London Irish (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Bronagh and Conor's parents are visiting and are horrified by London prices. Packy also gets a visit from his dim 'twin' brothers, who are concerned that youngest brother Aidan has gone off the rails, taken to drink, lost his job and - worst, wears an England football shirt. Packy goes round to talk sense into the lad but everybody else goes with him and throws a party. Aidan explains he drinks because his brothers are a pain to live with but he will not relinquish his shirt or the hat Conor swears is his. A fight breaks out between the two families, after Conor interrupts Bronagh and Aidan having sex, to reclaim his hat. Nothing is resolved and Niamh fails to get her planned escort agency off the ground as none of the men she knows want involvement.
I'm sure they have orgies
in Ireland. I don't see how.
You'd know everybody. You might
accidentally ride your own auntie.
I don't understand,
when does it become an orgy?
After a few bottles
of Jack Daniels, I imagine.
I mean, how many people do you need?
More than three.
You need a lot more than three.
No, it goes masturbation, sex,
threesome, orgy.
I don't think I'd do an orgy.
Me either.
I sort of get the appeal in theory,
but in reality, I think it'd be
an awful lot of work.
Aye, you'd be there all day. Yeah!
Is a gang bang different
from an orgy?
A gang bang has something
to do with a car.
Isn't it? No, you're thinking of
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
That's a different thing altogether.
Dogging -
that's the one they do in the car.
No, see, I wouldn't be into that.
Anything involving animals.
It doesn't involve animals.
Two people have sex in a car
while a crowd of lads watch them.
And pull the middle
out of themselves. Oh, God!
What will they think of next?!
I can't believe
you won't even consider it.
I mean, it's such a good cause.
Don't you want to give something
back, Packy?
Niamh, you're asking me
to have sex with women for money?
Yeah.
It's a no win, no lose situation.
You mean it's a win-win situation?
Exactly. So you'll do it, then.
I'm not joining your escort agency,
and that's final!
Oh, come on, Conor's up for it.
Right, that changes everything.
Does it? No! Seriously, Niamh,
you haven't thought this through.
Not thought it through?
What's this, then?
A receipt from Sainsbury's.
Other side.
"Rafferty's Rides!"
See, this isn't going to be
any old escort agency, Packy.
Oh, no. We're talking specialists
here. Irish men only.
Thoroughbreds.
Who the feck is Rafferty?
It was my grandmother's maiden name.
I'm sure she'll be very proud.
Oh, look, Packy, it's the twins.
Feck it!
All right, Matthew and Mark,
how's it going?
Not too bad, Niamh, you're looking
well. Aye, I know.
I don't suppose you've seen
that brother of ours?
He's just hiding behind the bar
there, boys.
All right, Packy!
What's going on down here, then?
Look, lads, seriously, I can't
have this conversation again.
I'm not moving back in with you,
I want to live with my friends.
Come on, who lives with
their friends? It's ridiculous.
It's weird. You're a grown man, you
should be living with your brothers.
Get your things,
we'll say no more about it.
It's not happening. If he saw
what we'd done with the place,
he'd change his mind.
Aye, I think he would, surely, Mark.
What have you done with the place?
Let's just say the magical
kingdom's come on leaps and bounds.
I've no interest in your ceramic
jungle, lads. BOTH: Forest!
Whatever. But, Packy,
we've loads more animals now.
We managed to get a unicorn.
That wasn't easy, Packy.
They're extinct, for Christ's sake.
No, they're not extinct,
they're fictional.
And extinction doesn't really apply
to ornaments, does it?
Yes, Packy, it does. Right. Boys,
you've nowhere to even put me.
Our Aidan's in my old room now.
We've thought about that. Me
and Mark don't mind sharing, do we?
We can top and tail.
Please don't top and tail, lads,
promise me you won't top and tail.
Ach, it's no bother.
We do it anyway sometimes.
For the craic.
OK, well, I don't want to talk about
that or... think about it. So...
Look, the truth is we could do
with having you about at the minute.
We need your help.
It's Aidan.
You might want to be
sitting down for this.
Great!
They're not bad-looking fellas.
Niamh, you're not asking me brothers
to join your escort agency.
You're right, it'd be too confusing.
I mean, how would you tell
which one's which?
Yeah, tricky one all right.
4.75?
For a scone?
For one scone?
Yep, that's what it says.
4.75, for a solitary scone, for
a singular scone, 4.75. I just...
I don't...
That couldn't be right, wee'un.
It's right, Da.
£4.75.
Bronagh, are the sandwiches
nice in this place?
I dunno, never been in here before.
No, I mean are the sandwiches
nice in England?
They're not as nice as
the sandwiches you make, Mammy.
Ach, son, stop it!
Aye, really, stop it. Do, seriously.
4.75! Like, who baked the thing,
God himself?
Look, Da, if you want a scone,
I'll buy you a scone.
Why would I want a scone?
Sure, I never eat scones.
As if that one would know
what we eat or what we didn't eat.
We could be sitting here dead,
and she wouldn't even notice.
Are you still huffing
about the Tube?
We didn't even get to do rush hour!
We'd been on it for ages.
I couldn't take any more!
Who in their right mind wants to
"do" fucking rush hour anyway?
Don't you swear at me,
you cheeky article.
We come over here for two reasons -
to do rush hour
and spend time with our child.
Children.
Children, you have two of them!
Bronagh, keep your voice down.
Aye, come on, don't be a mouth now,
Bronagh, love, there's a good girl.
Ah, lads, come on now.
Aidan's young, he's just moved
to London. It's exciting,
he should be out having a good
time. It's nothing to worry about.
He's out of control, Packy.
You're over-reacting.
We think he has a serious drink
problem, and so does Mammy.
Mammy's very upset about it.
Beside herself, so she is.
She's never off the phone.
Crying her wee lamps out.
Well, how did she find out?
We told her.
Right, it's just, if you hadn't
told her, she wouldn't be upset,
she'd be none the wiser.
Mammy needed to know.
Mammy should know everything.
You can't keep things from Mammy.
Are you keeping things from Mammy?
No! God, no, of course not!
Listen, Matthew and Mark,
it sounds like the fella's just had
a couple of heavy nights.
It doesn't mean he has a problem.
He had to have his stomach pumped on
Thursday. Right, that's not great.
But maybe it'll have given him
the scare he needed.
He lost his job.
He pissed in his boss's office.
Which, again, isn't ideal,
but who hasn't had a bit of a piss
in their boss's office?
He's started wearing
an England shirt.
What?
It's true.
Football or rugby?
Football.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
He's refusing to take it off.
He's in the thing 24/7.
What are we going to do?
We think there's only one thing
we can do.
We need to have an intervention.
Jesus, that's a bit extreme!
I mean, he is your brother, boys.
No, I don't think you can...
Niamh, it's OK. It's not OK,
it's cold-blooded murder.
No, it's not. Oh, really?
Tell that to John Lennon.
That's assassination, Niamh.
Oh!
Oh, aye!
John Lennon was assassinated.
I am a buck eejit!
Ach, it's an easy mistake to make,
Niamh.
Aye, it's much of a muchness.
Give me strength.
How's the ma and da?
If I could catapult the bastards
back to Ireland right now, I would.
We've had such a great day, Niamh.
Mate, is that a doll?
Cracker, isn't it? Mammy got me it
cos I was well behaved.
Bronagh got... fuck-all squared.
You won't be smirking when I ram it
up your hole, cock features!
When are they leaving?
It's a total nightmare!
I can't...
Oh, hello, Mrs Lynch, hello,
Mr Lynch! Enjoying your stay?
Can I get you a cup of tea
or anything?
Stop being such a creeping Jesus,
Patrick!
OK. Wait till you see this, Packy.
You won't believe this, now.
Who does he look like?
Not me, the other fella.
Um... Prince Charles.
He's the absolute spit, isn't he?
He is, yeah.
I mean, he is his double,
do you not think he's his double?
Yeah... I do.
I mean, it's freaky.
It's uncanny. You'd think
I was standing there
with Prince Charles, wouldn't you,
wouldn't you now?
Yeah, but I think that's the whole
idea of Madame Tussaud's, Mr Lynch.
The waxworks, well, they're SUPPOSED
to look like famous people.
Mad altogether!
How's Rafferty's Rides coming along,
Niamh, love?
Oh, not too bad, not too bad.
I'm looking into some office space
at the minute.
So, what are the plans tonight,
Mr and Mrs Lynch?
Hit the tiles, are we,
paint the town red?
Is he always such a mouth?
Oh, I know what you should do -
go to this intervention
with me and Packy.
You are not coming.
An intervention?
Oh, aye, I don't know if I'd be
into that now, Niamh, love.
Seems in poor taste to me.
No, that'll be assassination
you're thinking of, Chris.
This is a slightly different thing.
Well, tell me this and tell me
no more, what is an intervention?
Well, it's basically
a surprise party, Ann,
only we all get to pick on someone,
call them a ballbag and stuff.
It's when you confront a loved one
about a serious addiction
like alcoholism, Mrs Lynch.
It's going to be great craic.
Sounds like a good wee night,
right enough.
Stopping an innocent fella
from enjoying a drink -
does sound like a good night.
While we're at it,
why don't we all do a bit of
a goose step and invade Poland?!
Stop trying to do us
out of an intervention.
I am going to clip
that hallion's ear.
Look, it's not like that -
this is serious, OK?
Aidan's going through
a really bad time right now.
Aidan?!
Well, well, well.
This'll be an interesting night.
This'll be an interesting night
indeed.
Conor, you're not coming.
Nobody's coming.
Oh, I've a thing or two
to say to Aidan.
Oh, Conor, not the fecking hat!
He didn't steal your hat,
he just forgot to give it back!
And it was three years ago.
Who borrows a hat
and just forgets to give it back?
I'd say it's common enough, mate.
Patrick, what do you bring
to an intervention?
Would a couple of cakes do or would
we be needing to make sandwiches?
Right, listen, everybody.
Now, I don't mean to be a buzzkill,
but this is a very sensitive,
very private matter.
It's... it's a family-only thing.
There is absolutely no way
any of you are coming.
Is that clear?
Boys, I am so sorry,
I asked them not to come, but...
Ach, not at all. The more
the merrier. Come on in, folks.
Hello, Mr Lynch, Mrs Lynch,
good to see you.
You too, Matthew or Mark.
I know it's not ideal, but we can...
What's happening, where are
you going? Drama club.
But you can't go to drama club.
Why not?
Firstly, you're adults,
but more important, we're meant
to be confronting our brother
about his fucking drink problem!
Look, we don't need
to feel guilty about this.
Packy should be the one
to deal with it.
Packy needs to start
showing more of an interest.
Lads, I'm standing right here -
why are you...?
Hold on, did Mammy say that?
Are you just repeating
what Mammy said?
Well, we'd better be heading on, so.
But I do show an interest. What makes
you think I don't show an interest?
We'll chat to you
a bit later, then, Packy?
We'll give you a bit of a buzz
tomorrow. Good luck to you now.
What have you been saying to Mammy?!
Jesus!
So, what's this about, Packy,
what's going on?
Nothing's going on.
I just... hadn't seen you in a while,
thought it'd be nice to catch up.
So, what are your mates
doing here?
And why did they bring their
parents?
Yeah, I'm not...
I'm not entirely...
Never mind.
How are you, Aidan, how have you been
keeping, how do you feel,
in... in yourself?
I...I'm fine.
- You're fine. You're sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.
Why do people keep asking
me that?
Because you've been getting wrecked
and acting the maggot, Aidan.
I don't know what all the fuss
is about.
OK, thank you, Bronagh.
The thing is, we're just a wee bit
concerned, mate.
Look, Aidan, enjoying a beer
or two is one thing, but once...
I've done a wee bit of
a selection.
There's cheese, cheese
and tomato, and tomato.
Here you go. You don't even want to
know what they cost me.
You could but a house in Belfast for
the price of a bun in this place.
Yeah.
So.
Having a beer or two is one thing,
but once you start thinking that without
alcohol you won't have a good time...
Right, let's crack this bad boy
open!
Niamh, we are not drinking!
But that means we won't have
a good time.
Aye, we have to have one
or two to be social, Packy.
Packy, we're on our holidays,
catch a grip of yourself, like.
Hello, Aidan.
Hello, Conor.
It's been a long time.
Indeed it has.
Nice hat.
Thank you.
No problem.
Right, you, kitchen, now!
Aidan, you might be beating the drink into
you, but you're looking well on it.
Thanks.
I have a proposition for you.
Two words. Rafferty's Rides!
He's still wearing it.
He's still fucking wearing it!
- That's enough now, Conor.
- No, Packy, he's enough.
Well... that doesn't make any
sense, but fair play.
I mean, I was good enough to lend it
to him because it was raining
- and he claimed to have
frizzy hair. - No.
Our Aidan's hair would get frizzy,
like, really, really frizzy.
How could he abuse my trust
like that, Packy?
It's my favourite hat!
It just looks like a plain black
cap to me, mate.
Oh, it's fucking stunning,
and I want it back!
No! Listen to me, Conor, you're not
to be mentioning that hat tonight.
But it's my hat, Packy!
It's not about the hat.
But it's just sitting there.
On his actual head!
Conor, he's also wearing a fucking England shirt.
There's more serious shit going on here.
But it's my...
Don't say hat again.
Hat.
Please, mate,
this is a really tricky situation.
Help me out here, don't make
this worse.
Bury the hat.
OK.
Good.
Because when I confront him about his
addiction he could get emotional.
He might even get angry.
I need to treat so carefully, he's
clearly in a very dark place right now.
Whoo-hoo!
Bollocks.
So now, you'd have to deduct
for expenses and stuff,
but for one night's work you're looking at
coming away with something like... that.
God, that's not bad at all.
And that's cash in hand, is it?
Yes.
- Love, I'm not sure about this.
- Don't you concern yourself, love.
Listen, Chris, it's perfectly
natural to feel nervous at first.
But you don't even have to go
the whole way.
It could be as simple as taking the
lady out for dinner and just, you know,
getting a bit of flirting pumping.
I don't want to get anything
pumping.
Now, I'm not just saying this,
Chris,
but you're not a bad looking
fella for your age.
If you got rid of thon beard and
undid a couple of buttons,
maybe lost the slipper shoes...
you'd fucking clean up,
I'm telling you.
You should listen to her, love.
Now, Aidan, before I say this,
I want you to know that the only reason
I'm saying it is because I have to say it.
I'm not saying it will mean I didn't
say it, which isn't to say...
that if it isn't said...
What was I saying?
Are you steaming?
No!
The thing about drink is, well,
it gets you drunk, Aidan.
It gets you drunk... drink.
Packy, come on, you know how hard it
is to live with the twins.
Sure, you have to be half cut just
to listen to them.
But that's not the real issue
is it, Aidan?
What's the real issue?
You're wearing an England shirt.
So?
We don't do that, mate.
We just don't do that.
English people wear England shirts
and Irish people wear Ireland shirts.
That's just the way it is.
Why does it have to be like that?
Look, I don't make the rules...
This fella's fond of wearing
things that he
shouldn't be wearing, aren't you,
Aidan?
Now, Conor, what did I say?
Sorry.
Just take that thing off.
Come on, now.
- I'm not taking it off.
- You are, mate.
You'll feel better once you do,
I promise.
You're going to take that one off
and you're going to put this one on.
What's going on?
Your da's thinking about joining
my escort agency.
I'm sorry. It sounded a bit like you
said my father
was thinking about joining
your escort agency.
- Look, Bronagh, if he wants to do
it... - I don't want to do it.
You might want to do it.
Look, Niamh, selling my da's body
is crossing a line, now.
Ach, Bronagh, don't be so dramatic.
He doesn't even have to go the whole way.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Has she been drinking white wine?
- She's had a bit, yeah.
- Bronagh, it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal!
It's a very big fucking deal!
Don't you raise your voice to Niamh!
- She's the daughter I never had.
- What are you talking about?
You do have a daughter!
I'm your daughter!
Oh, Christ. This again.
Oh...
Come on. Just put the top on.
Yeah, come on, Aidan. Just
put the top on and take the hat off.
I don't want to.
- You do.
- I don't.
- You do.
- I don't. I support England now.
- You don't!
- I do.
- You don't!
Aidan!
I'm trying to be patient here
because you're obviously not well.
- I'm fine.
- You're not.
- I am.
- You're not.
- I am...
- Stop it!
- Just swap shirts!
- No!
Piss off!
Get him, Conor! Grab him,
hold him down!
You sneaky bastard!
The shirt, Conor! The shirt!
For the love of God, forget the hat
and focus, man!
All right, Aidan.
Enjoying your intervention?
No, I'm not.
My whole family are fucking mental.
- Dry your eyes. Mine are worse.
- I'm serious.
Packy needs a good, hard
boot to the ball sack.
Listen, dickhead. Today, Conor asked
me if dolls feel pain.
So if you think you're gonna win
some sort of
Whose Brother Is The Biggest Bell End
Competition, you can think again!
Oh, no-no-no-no, I wasn't suggesting
that Conor isn't a cock.
I mean, he clearly is. I wasn't
trying to offend you, Bronagh.
- Good.
- It's hard to explain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not one
of them.
Sometimes I feel a bit like...
You know that fella in Broclough
who was raised by chickens?
This is mad.
Sometimes, I feel jealous of the fella in
Broclough who was raised by chickens.
Oh, sorry. Do you mind
if I keep this on?
You... you want to keep it on?
It's not so much that I want to.
I've just made such a song
and dance about never taking it off.
And it really annoys the brothers,
so...
Well, if I didn't fancy you
before...
What the fuck!
You dirty, filthy pervert!
What the hell do you think you're
doing?
I'm just reclaiming what is
rightfully mine, fucko!
I cannot believe the nerve of you.
The nerve of me?
I'm not the one who's been rocking
about in another man's headgear.
That's my hat, Conor!
It's my fucking hat!
- Are you for real?
- No, it's not.
I lent it to you, because of
your stupid, frizzy hair!
No! I lent it to you first.
The only way I could get it back
was to borrow it.
I had to borrow my own fucking
hat back.
Oh, a likely story!
It's not even a nice hat.
- It's lovely!
- It's lovely!
- Oh, great!
- What's going on?
I got my hat back, Packy,
that's what's going on.
Admit it. It looks far better on me.
Jesus, Bronagh,
this is supposed to be an
intervention. His intervention.
Are you trying to ride a man
at his own intervention?
No, of course not! Well, sort of.
A bit, maybe. Yeah.
Just getting him bucked there, are
you, Bronagh?
No, I'm not getting him bucked.
I was trying to get him bucked
but I couldn't because my brother
is king of the spastics!
Well, you may get stuck in while
you can.
For once he's on my books,
I'll have to charge you.
Give it back to me. I'm serious.
All right, Bronagh, love.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
This isn't what you think.
Mammy, he stole my hat.
And now he's trying to say it's his!
What a wee bastard!
Oh, is this not bothering you at all
then? Fair enough.
- It is mine!
- You're a liar, Aidan.
I bought him that hat. You
Kennedys have always been a bit fly.
Jesus Christ,
it's just a fucking baseball cap!
Rafferty's Rides will all wear hats.
- They'll be Pats in Hats!
- I'm taking it back.
Oh! Oh, you're gonna take it back,
are you?
Yeah, I'm gonna take it back.
I'm gonna take it off your very head.
You lay one finger on him and I'll
fucking floor you! Just try me!
Hmmm, no, Mammy, it looks like
Packy's made a complete balls of it.
And I think he might have
been drinking, Mummy.
Well, this has been a roaring
success.
Packy, stop being such a big pair
of knickers.
You shouldn't have done it, Bronagh.
He's not well. He's an alcoholic.
Ach, who isn't?
And he's my brother.
- You and my brother, it's...
- What?
- ...weird.
- Why's it weird?
Why's it weird, Packy?
Doesn't matter.
It was just so brilliant.
I had an absolute ball.
It was a cracking wee day, now.
So, when's the next one?
Intervention?
Soon, I imagine.
It's all bollocks.
Sure, everybody's an addict these days.
These dickheads who check themselves
into rehab cos they had a Tia Maria once
need a good, hard slap.
Aye, it wasn't like it was years ago.
No, like Georgie Best, Ollie Reed,
these lads had to earn their strips.
They didn't just wake up one day
and go, "I'm an addict."
They had to fucking work at it.
Everything comes too easy these
days.
It's disgraceful. People are trying to fix
themselves before they're even broken.
- It's like therapy.
- Don't even start me about therapy.
I went to therapy once.
No, that was a job interview, mate.
Oh, that's right.
See, as far as I'm concerned, this -
what we're doing right here, right now,
this is the only therapy
anybody ever needs.
People should just talk to each
other. You know, listen to each other.
That's so true.
And I also think if...
Fuck up, Conor. It's your round.
in Ireland. I don't see how.
You'd know everybody. You might
accidentally ride your own auntie.
I don't understand,
when does it become an orgy?
After a few bottles
of Jack Daniels, I imagine.
I mean, how many people do you need?
More than three.
You need a lot more than three.
No, it goes masturbation, sex,
threesome, orgy.
I don't think I'd do an orgy.
Me either.
I sort of get the appeal in theory,
but in reality, I think it'd be
an awful lot of work.
Aye, you'd be there all day. Yeah!
Is a gang bang different
from an orgy?
A gang bang has something
to do with a car.
Isn't it? No, you're thinking of
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
That's a different thing altogether.
Dogging -
that's the one they do in the car.
No, see, I wouldn't be into that.
Anything involving animals.
It doesn't involve animals.
Two people have sex in a car
while a crowd of lads watch them.
And pull the middle
out of themselves. Oh, God!
What will they think of next?!
I can't believe
you won't even consider it.
I mean, it's such a good cause.
Don't you want to give something
back, Packy?
Niamh, you're asking me
to have sex with women for money?
Yeah.
It's a no win, no lose situation.
You mean it's a win-win situation?
Exactly. So you'll do it, then.
I'm not joining your escort agency,
and that's final!
Oh, come on, Conor's up for it.
Right, that changes everything.
Does it? No! Seriously, Niamh,
you haven't thought this through.
Not thought it through?
What's this, then?
A receipt from Sainsbury's.
Other side.
"Rafferty's Rides!"
See, this isn't going to be
any old escort agency, Packy.
Oh, no. We're talking specialists
here. Irish men only.
Thoroughbreds.
Who the feck is Rafferty?
It was my grandmother's maiden name.
I'm sure she'll be very proud.
Oh, look, Packy, it's the twins.
Feck it!
All right, Matthew and Mark,
how's it going?
Not too bad, Niamh, you're looking
well. Aye, I know.
I don't suppose you've seen
that brother of ours?
He's just hiding behind the bar
there, boys.
All right, Packy!
What's going on down here, then?
Look, lads, seriously, I can't
have this conversation again.
I'm not moving back in with you,
I want to live with my friends.
Come on, who lives with
their friends? It's ridiculous.
It's weird. You're a grown man, you
should be living with your brothers.
Get your things,
we'll say no more about it.
It's not happening. If he saw
what we'd done with the place,
he'd change his mind.
Aye, I think he would, surely, Mark.
What have you done with the place?
Let's just say the magical
kingdom's come on leaps and bounds.
I've no interest in your ceramic
jungle, lads. BOTH: Forest!
Whatever. But, Packy,
we've loads more animals now.
We managed to get a unicorn.
That wasn't easy, Packy.
They're extinct, for Christ's sake.
No, they're not extinct,
they're fictional.
And extinction doesn't really apply
to ornaments, does it?
Yes, Packy, it does. Right. Boys,
you've nowhere to even put me.
Our Aidan's in my old room now.
We've thought about that. Me
and Mark don't mind sharing, do we?
We can top and tail.
Please don't top and tail, lads,
promise me you won't top and tail.
Ach, it's no bother.
We do it anyway sometimes.
For the craic.
OK, well, I don't want to talk about
that or... think about it. So...
Look, the truth is we could do
with having you about at the minute.
We need your help.
It's Aidan.
You might want to be
sitting down for this.
Great!
They're not bad-looking fellas.
Niamh, you're not asking me brothers
to join your escort agency.
You're right, it'd be too confusing.
I mean, how would you tell
which one's which?
Yeah, tricky one all right.
4.75?
For a scone?
For one scone?
Yep, that's what it says.
4.75, for a solitary scone, for
a singular scone, 4.75. I just...
I don't...
That couldn't be right, wee'un.
It's right, Da.
£4.75.
Bronagh, are the sandwiches
nice in this place?
I dunno, never been in here before.
No, I mean are the sandwiches
nice in England?
They're not as nice as
the sandwiches you make, Mammy.
Ach, son, stop it!
Aye, really, stop it. Do, seriously.
4.75! Like, who baked the thing,
God himself?
Look, Da, if you want a scone,
I'll buy you a scone.
Why would I want a scone?
Sure, I never eat scones.
As if that one would know
what we eat or what we didn't eat.
We could be sitting here dead,
and she wouldn't even notice.
Are you still huffing
about the Tube?
We didn't even get to do rush hour!
We'd been on it for ages.
I couldn't take any more!
Who in their right mind wants to
"do" fucking rush hour anyway?
Don't you swear at me,
you cheeky article.
We come over here for two reasons -
to do rush hour
and spend time with our child.
Children.
Children, you have two of them!
Bronagh, keep your voice down.
Aye, come on, don't be a mouth now,
Bronagh, love, there's a good girl.
Ah, lads, come on now.
Aidan's young, he's just moved
to London. It's exciting,
he should be out having a good
time. It's nothing to worry about.
He's out of control, Packy.
You're over-reacting.
We think he has a serious drink
problem, and so does Mammy.
Mammy's very upset about it.
Beside herself, so she is.
She's never off the phone.
Crying her wee lamps out.
Well, how did she find out?
We told her.
Right, it's just, if you hadn't
told her, she wouldn't be upset,
she'd be none the wiser.
Mammy needed to know.
Mammy should know everything.
You can't keep things from Mammy.
Are you keeping things from Mammy?
No! God, no, of course not!
Listen, Matthew and Mark,
it sounds like the fella's just had
a couple of heavy nights.
It doesn't mean he has a problem.
He had to have his stomach pumped on
Thursday. Right, that's not great.
But maybe it'll have given him
the scare he needed.
He lost his job.
He pissed in his boss's office.
Which, again, isn't ideal,
but who hasn't had a bit of a piss
in their boss's office?
He's started wearing
an England shirt.
What?
It's true.
Football or rugby?
Football.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
He's refusing to take it off.
He's in the thing 24/7.
What are we going to do?
We think there's only one thing
we can do.
We need to have an intervention.
Jesus, that's a bit extreme!
I mean, he is your brother, boys.
No, I don't think you can...
Niamh, it's OK. It's not OK,
it's cold-blooded murder.
No, it's not. Oh, really?
Tell that to John Lennon.
That's assassination, Niamh.
Oh!
Oh, aye!
John Lennon was assassinated.
I am a buck eejit!
Ach, it's an easy mistake to make,
Niamh.
Aye, it's much of a muchness.
Give me strength.
How's the ma and da?
If I could catapult the bastards
back to Ireland right now, I would.
We've had such a great day, Niamh.
Mate, is that a doll?
Cracker, isn't it? Mammy got me it
cos I was well behaved.
Bronagh got... fuck-all squared.
You won't be smirking when I ram it
up your hole, cock features!
When are they leaving?
It's a total nightmare!
I can't...
Oh, hello, Mrs Lynch, hello,
Mr Lynch! Enjoying your stay?
Can I get you a cup of tea
or anything?
Stop being such a creeping Jesus,
Patrick!
OK. Wait till you see this, Packy.
You won't believe this, now.
Who does he look like?
Not me, the other fella.
Um... Prince Charles.
He's the absolute spit, isn't he?
He is, yeah.
I mean, he is his double,
do you not think he's his double?
Yeah... I do.
I mean, it's freaky.
It's uncanny. You'd think
I was standing there
with Prince Charles, wouldn't you,
wouldn't you now?
Yeah, but I think that's the whole
idea of Madame Tussaud's, Mr Lynch.
The waxworks, well, they're SUPPOSED
to look like famous people.
Mad altogether!
How's Rafferty's Rides coming along,
Niamh, love?
Oh, not too bad, not too bad.
I'm looking into some office space
at the minute.
So, what are the plans tonight,
Mr and Mrs Lynch?
Hit the tiles, are we,
paint the town red?
Is he always such a mouth?
Oh, I know what you should do -
go to this intervention
with me and Packy.
You are not coming.
An intervention?
Oh, aye, I don't know if I'd be
into that now, Niamh, love.
Seems in poor taste to me.
No, that'll be assassination
you're thinking of, Chris.
This is a slightly different thing.
Well, tell me this and tell me
no more, what is an intervention?
Well, it's basically
a surprise party, Ann,
only we all get to pick on someone,
call them a ballbag and stuff.
It's when you confront a loved one
about a serious addiction
like alcoholism, Mrs Lynch.
It's going to be great craic.
Sounds like a good wee night,
right enough.
Stopping an innocent fella
from enjoying a drink -
does sound like a good night.
While we're at it,
why don't we all do a bit of
a goose step and invade Poland?!
Stop trying to do us
out of an intervention.
I am going to clip
that hallion's ear.
Look, it's not like that -
this is serious, OK?
Aidan's going through
a really bad time right now.
Aidan?!
Well, well, well.
This'll be an interesting night.
This'll be an interesting night
indeed.
Conor, you're not coming.
Nobody's coming.
Oh, I've a thing or two
to say to Aidan.
Oh, Conor, not the fecking hat!
He didn't steal your hat,
he just forgot to give it back!
And it was three years ago.
Who borrows a hat
and just forgets to give it back?
I'd say it's common enough, mate.
Patrick, what do you bring
to an intervention?
Would a couple of cakes do or would
we be needing to make sandwiches?
Right, listen, everybody.
Now, I don't mean to be a buzzkill,
but this is a very sensitive,
very private matter.
It's... it's a family-only thing.
There is absolutely no way
any of you are coming.
Is that clear?
Boys, I am so sorry,
I asked them not to come, but...
Ach, not at all. The more
the merrier. Come on in, folks.
Hello, Mr Lynch, Mrs Lynch,
good to see you.
You too, Matthew or Mark.
I know it's not ideal, but we can...
What's happening, where are
you going? Drama club.
But you can't go to drama club.
Why not?
Firstly, you're adults,
but more important, we're meant
to be confronting our brother
about his fucking drink problem!
Look, we don't need
to feel guilty about this.
Packy should be the one
to deal with it.
Packy needs to start
showing more of an interest.
Lads, I'm standing right here -
why are you...?
Hold on, did Mammy say that?
Are you just repeating
what Mammy said?
Well, we'd better be heading on, so.
But I do show an interest. What makes
you think I don't show an interest?
We'll chat to you
a bit later, then, Packy?
We'll give you a bit of a buzz
tomorrow. Good luck to you now.
What have you been saying to Mammy?!
Jesus!
So, what's this about, Packy,
what's going on?
Nothing's going on.
I just... hadn't seen you in a while,
thought it'd be nice to catch up.
So, what are your mates
doing here?
And why did they bring their
parents?
Yeah, I'm not...
I'm not entirely...
Never mind.
How are you, Aidan, how have you been
keeping, how do you feel,
in... in yourself?
I...I'm fine.
- You're fine. You're sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.
Why do people keep asking
me that?
Because you've been getting wrecked
and acting the maggot, Aidan.
I don't know what all the fuss
is about.
OK, thank you, Bronagh.
The thing is, we're just a wee bit
concerned, mate.
Look, Aidan, enjoying a beer
or two is one thing, but once...
I've done a wee bit of
a selection.
There's cheese, cheese
and tomato, and tomato.
Here you go. You don't even want to
know what they cost me.
You could but a house in Belfast for
the price of a bun in this place.
Yeah.
So.
Having a beer or two is one thing,
but once you start thinking that without
alcohol you won't have a good time...
Right, let's crack this bad boy
open!
Niamh, we are not drinking!
But that means we won't have
a good time.
Aye, we have to have one
or two to be social, Packy.
Packy, we're on our holidays,
catch a grip of yourself, like.
Hello, Aidan.
Hello, Conor.
It's been a long time.
Indeed it has.
Nice hat.
Thank you.
No problem.
Right, you, kitchen, now!
Aidan, you might be beating the drink into
you, but you're looking well on it.
Thanks.
I have a proposition for you.
Two words. Rafferty's Rides!
He's still wearing it.
He's still fucking wearing it!
- That's enough now, Conor.
- No, Packy, he's enough.
Well... that doesn't make any
sense, but fair play.
I mean, I was good enough to lend it
to him because it was raining
- and he claimed to have
frizzy hair. - No.
Our Aidan's hair would get frizzy,
like, really, really frizzy.
How could he abuse my trust
like that, Packy?
It's my favourite hat!
It just looks like a plain black
cap to me, mate.
Oh, it's fucking stunning,
and I want it back!
No! Listen to me, Conor, you're not
to be mentioning that hat tonight.
But it's my hat, Packy!
It's not about the hat.
But it's just sitting there.
On his actual head!
Conor, he's also wearing a fucking England shirt.
There's more serious shit going on here.
But it's my...
Don't say hat again.
Hat.
Please, mate,
this is a really tricky situation.
Help me out here, don't make
this worse.
Bury the hat.
OK.
Good.
Because when I confront him about his
addiction he could get emotional.
He might even get angry.
I need to treat so carefully, he's
clearly in a very dark place right now.
Whoo-hoo!
Bollocks.
So now, you'd have to deduct
for expenses and stuff,
but for one night's work you're looking at
coming away with something like... that.
God, that's not bad at all.
And that's cash in hand, is it?
Yes.
- Love, I'm not sure about this.
- Don't you concern yourself, love.
Listen, Chris, it's perfectly
natural to feel nervous at first.
But you don't even have to go
the whole way.
It could be as simple as taking the
lady out for dinner and just, you know,
getting a bit of flirting pumping.
I don't want to get anything
pumping.
Now, I'm not just saying this,
Chris,
but you're not a bad looking
fella for your age.
If you got rid of thon beard and
undid a couple of buttons,
maybe lost the slipper shoes...
you'd fucking clean up,
I'm telling you.
You should listen to her, love.
Now, Aidan, before I say this,
I want you to know that the only reason
I'm saying it is because I have to say it.
I'm not saying it will mean I didn't
say it, which isn't to say...
that if it isn't said...
What was I saying?
Are you steaming?
No!
The thing about drink is, well,
it gets you drunk, Aidan.
It gets you drunk... drink.
Packy, come on, you know how hard it
is to live with the twins.
Sure, you have to be half cut just
to listen to them.
But that's not the real issue
is it, Aidan?
What's the real issue?
You're wearing an England shirt.
So?
We don't do that, mate.
We just don't do that.
English people wear England shirts
and Irish people wear Ireland shirts.
That's just the way it is.
Why does it have to be like that?
Look, I don't make the rules...
This fella's fond of wearing
things that he
shouldn't be wearing, aren't you,
Aidan?
Now, Conor, what did I say?
Sorry.
Just take that thing off.
Come on, now.
- I'm not taking it off.
- You are, mate.
You'll feel better once you do,
I promise.
You're going to take that one off
and you're going to put this one on.
What's going on?
Your da's thinking about joining
my escort agency.
I'm sorry. It sounded a bit like you
said my father
was thinking about joining
your escort agency.
- Look, Bronagh, if he wants to do
it... - I don't want to do it.
You might want to do it.
Look, Niamh, selling my da's body
is crossing a line, now.
Ach, Bronagh, don't be so dramatic.
He doesn't even have to go the whole way.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Has she been drinking white wine?
- She's had a bit, yeah.
- Bronagh, it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal!
It's a very big fucking deal!
Don't you raise your voice to Niamh!
- She's the daughter I never had.
- What are you talking about?
You do have a daughter!
I'm your daughter!
Oh, Christ. This again.
Oh...
Come on. Just put the top on.
Yeah, come on, Aidan. Just
put the top on and take the hat off.
I don't want to.
- You do.
- I don't.
- You do.
- I don't. I support England now.
- You don't!
- I do.
- You don't!
Aidan!
I'm trying to be patient here
because you're obviously not well.
- I'm fine.
- You're not.
- I am.
- You're not.
- I am...
- Stop it!
- Just swap shirts!
- No!
Piss off!
Get him, Conor! Grab him,
hold him down!
You sneaky bastard!
The shirt, Conor! The shirt!
For the love of God, forget the hat
and focus, man!
All right, Aidan.
Enjoying your intervention?
No, I'm not.
My whole family are fucking mental.
- Dry your eyes. Mine are worse.
- I'm serious.
Packy needs a good, hard
boot to the ball sack.
Listen, dickhead. Today, Conor asked
me if dolls feel pain.
So if you think you're gonna win
some sort of
Whose Brother Is The Biggest Bell End
Competition, you can think again!
Oh, no-no-no-no, I wasn't suggesting
that Conor isn't a cock.
I mean, he clearly is. I wasn't
trying to offend you, Bronagh.
- Good.
- It's hard to explain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not one
of them.
Sometimes I feel a bit like...
You know that fella in Broclough
who was raised by chickens?
This is mad.
Sometimes, I feel jealous of the fella in
Broclough who was raised by chickens.
Oh, sorry. Do you mind
if I keep this on?
You... you want to keep it on?
It's not so much that I want to.
I've just made such a song
and dance about never taking it off.
And it really annoys the brothers,
so...
Well, if I didn't fancy you
before...
What the fuck!
You dirty, filthy pervert!
What the hell do you think you're
doing?
I'm just reclaiming what is
rightfully mine, fucko!
I cannot believe the nerve of you.
The nerve of me?
I'm not the one who's been rocking
about in another man's headgear.
That's my hat, Conor!
It's my fucking hat!
- Are you for real?
- No, it's not.
I lent it to you, because of
your stupid, frizzy hair!
No! I lent it to you first.
The only way I could get it back
was to borrow it.
I had to borrow my own fucking
hat back.
Oh, a likely story!
It's not even a nice hat.
- It's lovely!
- It's lovely!
- Oh, great!
- What's going on?
I got my hat back, Packy,
that's what's going on.
Admit it. It looks far better on me.
Jesus, Bronagh,
this is supposed to be an
intervention. His intervention.
Are you trying to ride a man
at his own intervention?
No, of course not! Well, sort of.
A bit, maybe. Yeah.
Just getting him bucked there, are
you, Bronagh?
No, I'm not getting him bucked.
I was trying to get him bucked
but I couldn't because my brother
is king of the spastics!
Well, you may get stuck in while
you can.
For once he's on my books,
I'll have to charge you.
Give it back to me. I'm serious.
All right, Bronagh, love.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
This isn't what you think.
Mammy, he stole my hat.
And now he's trying to say it's his!
What a wee bastard!
Oh, is this not bothering you at all
then? Fair enough.
- It is mine!
- You're a liar, Aidan.
I bought him that hat. You
Kennedys have always been a bit fly.
Jesus Christ,
it's just a fucking baseball cap!
Rafferty's Rides will all wear hats.
- They'll be Pats in Hats!
- I'm taking it back.
Oh! Oh, you're gonna take it back,
are you?
Yeah, I'm gonna take it back.
I'm gonna take it off your very head.
You lay one finger on him and I'll
fucking floor you! Just try me!
Hmmm, no, Mammy, it looks like
Packy's made a complete balls of it.
And I think he might have
been drinking, Mummy.
Well, this has been a roaring
success.
Packy, stop being such a big pair
of knickers.
You shouldn't have done it, Bronagh.
He's not well. He's an alcoholic.
Ach, who isn't?
And he's my brother.
- You and my brother, it's...
- What?
- ...weird.
- Why's it weird?
Why's it weird, Packy?
Doesn't matter.
It was just so brilliant.
I had an absolute ball.
It was a cracking wee day, now.
So, when's the next one?
Intervention?
Soon, I imagine.
It's all bollocks.
Sure, everybody's an addict these days.
These dickheads who check themselves
into rehab cos they had a Tia Maria once
need a good, hard slap.
Aye, it wasn't like it was years ago.
No, like Georgie Best, Ollie Reed,
these lads had to earn their strips.
They didn't just wake up one day
and go, "I'm an addict."
They had to fucking work at it.
Everything comes too easy these
days.
It's disgraceful. People are trying to fix
themselves before they're even broken.
- It's like therapy.
- Don't even start me about therapy.
I went to therapy once.
No, that was a job interview, mate.
Oh, that's right.
See, as far as I'm concerned, this -
what we're doing right here, right now,
this is the only therapy
anybody ever needs.
People should just talk to each
other. You know, listen to each other.
That's so true.
And I also think if...
Fuck up, Conor. It's your round.