London Irish (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

You're serious, you haven't heard
that before? Hold on.

He said that we all want to
ride our ma's and kill our da's?

That's putting it bluntly, but yeah.

For God's sake,
what's wrong with that fella?

No, I definitely don't want
to ride my ma.

I mean, she was a bit of a looker
20 years ago but she has lost it.

No, it's the other way
round for girls.

Girls want to kill their ma
and ride their da.

Oh, no, no, no, that's not better.

What does it mean if you don't want
to ride your ma or da

but you do want to kill
both of them?



That you're a sociopath.

This Freud laddy
sounds as mad as a bag of cats.

Do you know what
he said about the Irish? What?

That we're the only people immune
to psychoanalysis.

What did he mean?

That we're so fucking mental
that there's just no fixing us.

What would that wee pervert know?

Still no word from Connor.
Would you relax? He'll be back.

He only went to the chippy.
Seven days ago!

You don't think it's a bit worrying?

I think it's a long time to be
waiting on a battered sausage.

What if something's wrong,

what if he's had an accident
or been, kidnapped or something?

Kidnapped?



Come on, what are the chances of that
happening... again?

I hope you're right because that was
fucking awful. Aye, was it?

He had a great time. He hadn't a bad
word to say about those lads.

Didn't he invite them to his 21st?
I suppose. And they did make a cake.

Mm-hm.

It's nice this, isn't it?
Having a cuddle. Yeah.

Do you know what's even nicer?

Naked cuddling. Er, I can't, Niamh.

You can!

It's just like normal cuddling
only we don't have a stitch on.

It's class! But it could lead
to other things.

Come on, Marty.

Let's just have a quick roll around,
no one's going to know.

God will know. Will he, though?

The fella has an awful lot going on.

I'm sure we're none of his notion.
He's all seeing, Niamh.

Aye, so he is. The prick!

You said you cared about me. I do.

If you really cared about me
you'd ride me.

All right, what's happening?

Connor still hasn't come back.

It's grand,
I'm not even hungry anymore.

How's things with the Virgin Marty?

Still nothing! He won't even let me
have a bit of a shuffle.

Niamh, look,
I don't think it's going to happen.

You've tried your best,
nobody can fault you.

You've nothing to be ashamed of.

But I really want to bounce
on his balls, Packy. I know.

I know.

Oh, Christ! Look, an invitation to
Caoimhe Kavanagh's new exhibition.

Who? Went to school with her.
Absolute dose.

What are you talking about?
You loved Caoimhe Kavanagh.

You wanted to be Caoimhe Kavanagh.
No, I did not!

Come on, Bronagh,
your head was up her hole.

One Christmas she knit her
a leg warmer.

You knit her a leg warmer. What,
like... just the one leg warmer?

I don't want to talk about it.

You creeped the living Jesus
out of the poor girl,

I'm surprised she's even invited
you to this thing. Well, it's...

It's actually addressed to you.

"This haunting exhibition
is Belfast-born Kavanagh's

"most personal yet, drawing heavily
on her own traumatic childhood."

Oh, what a bag of balls!

Yeah, it does sound like
a shower of shite, in fairness.

Traumatic childhood?

She lived in this huge house in the
countryside and she had a horse,

an actual horse, you know,
with legs and everything!

Such a lovely fella.
When did you get to meet the horse?

When I went to her sleepover.

You went to Caoimhe Kavanagh's
sleepover?

Well, I think it sounds interesting.
She's lying, Packy.

She's lying about her past to sell
a few pishy paintings.

It's disgusting, unethical
and we're having no part in it.

Apparently she's got fat.

Who's got fat, Caoimhe's got fat?
How fat are we talking?

We're talking massive!

When is this thing
open, tonight, is it?

All right? Hola, como estas?

Sorry, who would you be?

..Keira Knightley.

Oh, I see.

Excuse me.

All right, how's it going?

I think these might be a bit cold.
Ah, it's only been a week,

I'm sure they'll be grand.
Do you think?

No, I don't think.
Where the fuck have you been?

Does that wee Spanish woman
belong to you? She's Mexican.

What's she doing in our bathroom?
Well, I think that's her business.

Connor, who is she?

OK, so I run into Jonjo Riley
at the chippy

and we decided that
we'd go for a pint.

So we headed into this bar in, erm...
What do you call that place again?

I don't know. You do know.

What is it it's called?
No idea. You do!

It's that place that exactly like
Ireland but it's totally different.

Scotland? That's it.

You went for a pint in Scotland?
Aye.

So Jonjo gets himself into a fight
with, do you know that fella Taggart?

The fella from the TV show? Aye.
The dead fella? Aye.

So Jonjo gets himself into a scrap
with him, and even though he wasn't

the one to start the fight, we were
the ones who got kicked out cos...

Well, the bouncers are hardly going
to tackle that fella Taggart.

He's very high up in the police
force. Like, he's a detective.

He's not a detective, though.

He was an actor who played a
detective and who is now dead. Exactly.

So whoever Jonjo fought with in that
pub, it wasn't fucking Taggart.

Look, Packy, with all due respect
I was there, you weren't.

Who the feck is
the fecking Mexican woman

in the fecking bathroom?!
I'm getting to that!

Well, get there quicker, get there
much quicker, get there now!

Her name is Maria!

And she is my wife.

Come the fuck again?

He went to Scotland and he married
this wee Mexican lady.

This is a whole other
level of spastification,

and you, you could do a lot better.

Aye, well so you should be.

I know I ask you this a lot, mate,

but I'd genuinely like an answer
this time.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, OK, it's sudden. And, yes,
maybe we should have told you first.

But we just got
so caught up in the moment.

It just felt right, you know.

Connor, you only know what happened
cos you've found the marriage
certificate in your shoe!

..Keira Knightley.

Why is she banging on about
Keira Knightley? She's a big fan.

Seriously, you need to work out what
you're going to do about this.

Definitely have to start
looking for our own place.

We're thinking north London.
We've heard the schools are better.

Listen to me, mate.

You're not moving to North London.
You're not having kids.

You're getting this thing annulled.
No, Packy, there'll be no annulling.

Oh, there's going to be annulling,
Connor.

There's going to be
lots of fucking annulling.

Will we get to meet the Pope?
Look, Packy.

You're my best friend
but she is my wife.

Don't you make me choose.

Is this actually happening?

I tell you what you haven't
thought about, cock piss.

The ma and da, they are going to
kick your hole for this.

You are so, so, so dead.

Good man yourself.
Congratulations, son!

Really, seriously?

And she's a beautiful looking girl.

You're a beautiful looking girl,
Maria! Very exotic.

All right, folks,
she's Mexican, she's not deaf.

You have to take a run over to us,
Maria, love.

We'll have a bit of a do.
We'll get some tacos in.

Isn't that lovely,
not at all racist.

I tell you what,

we could do with a bit of good news
after the week we've had.

What's wrong, ma? It's all
kicking off on the estate.

What do you mean?

We're having an awful
lot of bother with a ghost.

Right, of course you are.
What's it up to?

Oh, what's it not up to!

It's knocking over bins,
digging up gardens.

Are you sure it's a ghost.
It wouldn't be like a dog or fox,

you know, something that actually
exists? No, it's definitely a ghost.

Maggie Gallagher caught him
floating above the garage.

I think it was trying to
nick our car. Crafty bastard!

What are you going to do, da?

We've spoken to Father Michael,

he said he'd call-up
after seven o'clock mass

and just zap the dirty
wee brute out of here.

Right. Well,
you seem to have that covered.

So, Bronagh, love, your wee brother
made it down the aisle before you.

How does that feel?

Sorry, I can't...
the connections a bit...

Eejits!

I've made a decision, a big decision.
I'm going to marry Marty.

No you're fucking not. Why not?
Connor got married.

It was the best day of my life. See!

Look, people need to stop marrying
people, it's getting out of hand.

It's not for good - just marry him, ride him
and divorce him. You can't divorce him.

How come? Hardline Christians
don't believe in divorce.

Oh, what do they believe in?
Being boring bastards mainly.

Seriously, Niamh,
just pack it in. No chance.

I've put far too much time
and effort into this.

I'm going to ride him, Packy,

so help me God, I'm going
to ride him sideways.

But how do I do it, lads...
How? Hold a gun to his head?

No, Niamh, just no.

Hmm. Me too.

Erm, Maria is really looking
forward to the exhibition,

she loves art.
We've so much in common.

Like you've ever set foot in an art
gallery before, ballroot!

Are we seriously going to go all
the way into town just to

stand in a room and stare at stuff?

The only thing I'm going to be
staring at the night

is Caoimhe's big fat hole.

Wankerville.

I can't see Caoimhe anywhere.

And she should be pretty
hard to miss!

Seriously, Bronagh,

the fact that this girl is
overweight now makes you happy?

Oh, yes, yes it does.

Lads, get yourself involved in this.

This table is coming down with
cheese, all kinds of cheese,

and it's free!

It's a table full of free cheese,
lads!

I'm all right for cheese, mate,
you fill your boots.

Aye, fair play to you, Maria.

She talks some amount of balls.

What are you doing?

There's a really hot woman
waving at me, look.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

You know her, who is she?

Caoimhe. She's not fat.

Nope. She's thin. Yep.

I'm going to decorate Niamh's face
with a nail gun.

Bronagh! Oh, my God!
How long's it been?

Eight years. Eight years.
Is it really that long?

It's more like eight years and three
months. The last time I saw you

was prize giving night. You were
wearing your blue dress, remember?

No, not really. Below the knee,
sleeveless, very figure hugging.

How did you cope with the VPL?
I suppose you wore a thong.

Or maybe nothing. I'm not sure
what your knicker situation was.

Well, it's good to see you anyway. We
came with Niamh. Niamh got invited.

I didn't get invited.

Didn't get invited to this, didn't
get invited to your sleepover.

You look great.
So do you. You look great.

And you look small.

You look great and small!

So um... what do you
make of the exhibition? Well...

We are just absolutely loving it.

It's just so thought
provokingly...

..thought... provoking.

Yeah, I'm sort of preoccupied with
that space between childhood

and adulthood, the end of innocence.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Me three. Are you? Yeah.

The end of innocence
and just endings generally

because there are so many
endings in life. Oh, absolutely.

So many endings, yes. But also
so many beginnings. Of course.

And so many endings
that are beginnings

and beginnings that are endings.
That's a very good point. Is it?

Is it really?

Like when a relationship ends,
yes, something is over,

but something new is about to start.

That's a great way to look at it.

I think so, especially now that
I am single, you know, unattached,

completely available.

Patrick by the way. Caoimhe.
I'm writing a book, Caoimhe.

Are you? Are you?! Yes, Packy.

Amazing! Is it fiction, nonfiction?
Well, I'm not sure what it is yet.

I'm at a very early stage
in the creative process,

but I've got a few ideas
and I've bought some pens.

Brilliant. Yeah, I think it will be.

Cool.

Well, look,
I should probably mingle for a bit,

but don't go anywhere,
do you hear me?

Loud and clear!

Bye!

What?! Do you want to ride
her or something?

Do you want to ride her
or something?

There is something so sad about it.
She just looks lost.

It's a bit half-hearted.
It's not even coloured in.

I think it's deliberately stark
because... Yeah, yeah. Course.

I see that now.
Listen, I need to tell you something.

What's wrong, Niamh?

I'm dying, Marty. You're dying?

I'm on my way out. Right,
and when did you find this out?

I got the test results this
afternoon.

I was with you this afternoon.
Yesterday afternoon. The thing is,

before I go, I want to...

I need to get the buck one last time.

Yeah, I thought you might.

Well, we should probably head home
and get cracking in that case, so...
Niamh, are you lying to me?

Oh! Do you seriously think I would
lie about something like this?

Well, um... yeah. I think
you might actually.

Fine! Let's go and look at some more
dicky drawings then!

I'm not too sure, actually.

Camembert, maybe?

Tell you what though,
it is fucking lovely!

Bronagh, this is probably
why she never took to you.

You should have knitted a pair. One
leg warmer's no use to anyone like!

You told me she was fat. Yeah.
I don't know where I got that from.

She should be fat, Niamh. She had
a horse. Where's the justice?

Yeah. I'm still having no joy
with frigid features.

Just going to cut your losses?
Maybe, but first I might try this...

Have you heard of this Rohypnol
stuff? It's supposed to be great!

Aye. So I believe. I think it's
important I explore all my options.

Maria, look...
It's all right. Just calm down.

I don't know what's wrong with her.

Wind your neck in.

Is everything OK?
She's lost the run of herself.

Maria, seriously, lot of baldies.
Do you need me to translate?

I speak Spanish.

I speak a bit of French. Which is
shite all to do with anything.

She would like her husband to
look at the pictures with her.

But he is only
interested in the cheese.

He doesn't care for her.
He only cares for the cheese.

She now realises...

..that fame has taught him
to be selfish.

Fame?! She thinks Conor's famous.

Famous for what?

Jack Sparrow.

She says he plays Captain Jack
Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Oh, really? Does he now?

Maria, Conor is many things,
but he is not Captain Jack Sparrow.

No. No.

Did he play anybody in Pirates
of the Caribbean?

Not as far as I'm aware.
Did he fuck!

No.

What does that mean?

She prays he gets fucked
hard by a pig.

Aw, I'm really starting to like her.

Oh, look. It's Edward Fucking
Scissorhands! What?

You told that wife of yours
that you were Johnny Depp.

I did not. Then why does
she think you're Johnny Depp, Conor?

Oh. I get that a lot.

Dickhead!

Jesus Christ! What?

Have you seen my wee virgin
anywhere? I was sure I put him here.

Do you like this one? I do.

I love all the use of colour
and the use of... paint.

I had the idea for it in a dream.
Really?

I just woke up one night and just
leapt out of bed.

It was still pitch black outside,

but I knew I just had to get it
out of my head right there and then.

I didn't even stop to get
dressed or anything.

I mean, standing in my studio, naked,
painting through the night.

Can you imagine?

Yeah, I can!

I can imagine all right.

Bronagh, can you lend me L100?
Get to fuck! Please.

What for? I might have
accidentally bought a painting.

Are you seriously going to pay L100
for one of these pieces of pish?

500, I have to use my rent money
as well. L500?! Are you deranged?!

She started talking about painting
in the nip and before I knew it,
it had all gone too far.

There's no backing out now.
She's put a wee sold sticker on it.

Well, tell her to take the wee
sold sticker off!

I don't think that's how it works!
Tell her you can't afford it.

I fancy the arse off her! Jesus
Christ, fine, I'll fucking tell her!

Tell who what?

No, it's not important.
It's nothing. Um...

Cheese?

No, I'm good for cheese, thanks.

Patrick, this will probably be
wrapped up in about an hour.

I was just wondering... Yeah.

I was wondering if you fancied
going for a drink afterwards.

She was wondering
if you fancied a drink afterwards.

I would definitely fancy that.

He doesn't want your
stupid painting!

You are taking the piss!

I'm so sorry.

She was really upset
and I was just comforting her

and one thing led to another.

She was upset?! I'm upset!

Two weeks without betting poked,
that's upsetting, Marty!

Will you pipe down for two seconds?
We're trying to have a conversation.

I couldn't fight it.
She's just so...

..exotic and that accent...

What?! And I'm not exotic?
My accent's not sexy?

I'll have you know my accent was
voted the sexiest in the world.

In the world!

Voted by who?

People!

There was a poll!

I'm really sorry.
I was weak. Please forgive me.

No. I won't forgive you.
And do you know who else won't? God!

I know for a fact he is absolutely
fucking fuming about this!

You said you loved it.
You said it spoke to you.

Well, he was talking shite.

Conor! Your wife is out there
fucking my virgin!

Maria? No. It can't be true.

She's bouncing on his bar
as we speak!

What can you do?
Get out there and pull her off him!

I put all the hard work in and
she's out there riding my reward!

Come on, guys. People are looking.

What? You're embarrassed?
We're embarrassing you, are we?

No, it's just...

We are the ones who should be
embarrassed for coming here

and for taking part in this sham.
Sham? Traumatic childhood?!

What the fuck was
traumatic about your childhood?!

Didn't you live in a mansion?

Didn't you have people knitting you
legwarmers? One legwarmer.

Jesus Christ! I ran
out of fucking wool!

Bronagh, just calm down.
You calm down! I am calm.

I'm Caoimhe and I'm calm,
even though

I suffered terrible hardships
like having my very own horse.

It was so stressful feeding it
fucking sugar lumps!

Seriously, Bronagh, I think
you need to stop talking now.

Well,
do you know what I think, Caoimhe?

I think you should stick your horse
right up your skinny hole!

Are you trying to be deliberately
offensive, Bronagh? Yeah, clearly.

Trixy was shot dead! Trixy?!
The horse.

All right. Shot dead, was it? Yeah.

In front of my very
eyes by my own father!

I see.

Did not know that.

He didn't mean to...

He thought it was intruders but...

..in the darkness
and in the confusion, he fired.

By the time he realised,
it was too late.

Trixy was lying
there on the kitchen floor.

Your horse was in the kitchen?
He looked as though he was sleeping.

How does a horse get into a kitchen?

I still can't
look my father in the eye.

Did your house just
have like massive doors?

I thought that this exhibition
might put it to rest, but...

..it hasn't.

It won't.

Now, now. It's OK.

You're OK.

Oh, really?

Trixy!

You've got a firm grip on you there.

That's starting to hurt.

I loved her!

Yeah, I know, but we really need
to catch the last Tube, so...

Fuck me!

No!

Come on, Niamh. Come on, Conor.

What about the...?
Leave the cheese, mate.

It's enough cheese for one night.

And you didn't think to tell me
that her dad shot her horse?

I didn't think it was a big deal.
People's pets die all the time.

Yeah, that's true.
I had a hamster once.

Libby. How many times?
I didn't kill your hamster, Conor!

Well, you certainly didn't make her
feel very welcome.

So Maria left, did she? Yeah, yeah.
I really thought she was the one.

Conor, she couldn't speak English
and she thought you were

Captain Jack Sparrow.
Aye, it wasn't meant to be, mate.

I can see where she got it from.

You do look a bit like Johnny Depp,
Conor. Aye, after a stroke, maybe.

People always say I've got a touch
of the Angelina Jolie about me.

About your where exactly?

I don't look like anybody.
That's not true.

You're the spit of your Tommy.

OK, I don't look like anybody
who isn't my brother.

Do you know who you've always
reminded me of, Bronagh?

Who? Rainbow Brite.

That is freaky.

I'll take that.
She's not a bad looking doll.