Lockie Leonard (2007–2010): Season 2, Episode 4 - Pick a Winner - full transcript
("Worlds Away" by Jebediah)
So now that Vicki and I
were the it couple of
Angelus, we were big news.
We were the talk of the town.
It seemed we couldn't do anything
without making headlines.
Suddenly, everyone wanted
to know everything about us.
And when people got bored with the truth,
they started making stuff up.
Before we knew it, the lies
were spreading out of control.
And while we were hogging the front page,
- Sorry, didn't see ya.
- Not your fault.
- Mum
was struggling to get
a couple of lines down the
back near the crossword.
- Reports that mum has just washed her
5,017th pair of underpants,
cleaned the toilet 2,282 times
and hasn't had a holiday in 5,110 days.
- Sorry, mum, didn't see you there.
- Get me a sports uniform, mum.
- My lunchbox is cracked too by the way
and I need a note exempting
me from the English excursion.
- Socks are letting me down a bit, Joy.
I've got three pairs now
giving the old big toe
a little bit more liberty than I noticed.
What's that, Clark?
- Da-da.
- Well we can't have
that going on, can we?
Since you've got the
needle and thread out,
if you could have a look at that too.
Thanks, mum.
- And then there's the
shed for the chooks.
- The chooks?
- Passive soil, extensive use
of earth friendly materials.
Food scraps travel down from
the kitchen window here,
eggs released into there,
you can collect them without
actually entering the enclosure.
- And if I just add water,
it will spring up by itself.
- It is very advanced, but you're right,
it won't build itself.
That's where you'll need to get involved,
at least for the hardware store.
- I'll just leave the offending socks
on the ironing board, mum.
- Joy.
- Sorry?
- Well because strictly speaking,
I'm not actually your mum,
so you can call me Joy or
Mrs. Leonard, if you prefer,
but let's for the first time
in 5,110 days, give mum a rest.
Shall we?
Yes, I hear you, I'm coming!
Alright!
- Freeze, Leonard.
- What are you doing, Sarge?
- I think you need a
personal development day.
It's about 5,110 days
overdue, if you ask me.
- Goodness, it doesn't have to be today.
- Shh, no baby to take care of?
No, no, no.
No oven to clean, no, no.
Give me the apron.
Hand me the apron and step back.
Apron.
Now step back.
And it's not mum today, no, no, no.
It's Joy.
- Give 'em some room.
- Is it true you're a snot gobbler?
- Of course it's not true.
- Martin saw it, said it was
some serious booger munching.
- I do not eat snot.
Not even Lockie, it's disgusting.
- So you think Lockie's disgusting?
- Are you gonna break up with him?
- It's over.
- You're finished.
- Lockie's done!
- Just leave her alone!
- You know, the fastest way to get rid
of a lingering question is to do the quiz.
- The quiz?
- The Planet Girl Magazine
compatibility quiz.
All the significant Angelus
High couples have taken it.
It shows whether you're gold, silver,
bronze or aluminium foil.
How does it do that, you ask?
Let's face it, most friendships
start with a bit of a hunch.
You like the uniform.
You get the drift.
But the quiz takes away your uniform.
It strips you bare.
It'll tell us if, as a couple,
you'll go the distance.
You and Vicki answer these
multiple choice questions
and then we tally up the results.
If you score well enough,
it'll show you're really solid
and the rumours will stop.
That's what you want, isn't it?
- Alright, we'll do the quiz.
- We will?
- One for you and one for you.
Comparing answers will result
in immediate disqualification.
- We give up.
- Well, well, well, what
a happy turn of events.
- She's not, she's not
staying here, right?
- No, couldn't keep her here if I tried.
Nah, we'll be out on the beat in a flash.
- But policing is no place for a
- Baby?
- Fear not, she's been around
the block more than once.
Haven't you, Constable Blob?
- Unlike Blob,
mom didn't have a constable hat.
When Sarge took away mom's apron,
he sort of took away her uniform,
so she raided her wardrobe for a new one.
But nothing seemed the right fit.
And without a uniform,
mom felt totally exposed,
as if she were walking around naked.
- No arguments, Pamela!
Mrs. Leonard!
This here is Lockie's mum.
Fancy a game, Joy?
- Three against one?
- How long since you did
something for yourself, Joy?
Name three things you bought
in the last month just for you.
- Well
- What's the last nice
thing your family organised
to make your life better?
- Renovations.
- Sauna, spa?
- My youngest, Phillip, has
designed me a chicken enclosure.
The eggs will be a
tremendous benefit to me.
- Well, thanks for the game,
but I have a few supplies
I need to pick up
for the renovations.
- The only nails that are getting
any attention today are these.
- Mum was trapped.
Without her uniform, she wasn't
sure who she was anymore.
- It's your time now.
It's Joy time.
And so when Vicki's mum
offered her a new uniform to try on,
- Here have this, I have plenty.
- She was tempted.
- You're walking along the street
and you see $100 fall
out of someone's pocket.
By the time you pick it
up, the person is gone.
- Is it in notes or coins?
- Do you A, take it to the
police, B, put your foot over it
and stand there 'til
everyone has gone home, or C,
pick it up and run like crazy?
- I'm just not sure why that's a question.
fish finger, basketball
- Um, Sasha, this compatibility quiz,
I'm not totally sure I get it.
- I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
It's not like you'll
ever need to answer one.
- Why not?
- Um, hello, look at you,
at how you present yourself.
Actually, with a milligramme of style,
you could do something with yourself.
- I could?
- But you don't have
it, so what can you do?
That's what he doesn't have.
- Certainly.
Constable Blob didn't
have any problem slipping
back into her old uniform.
She was having a fine old time.
- Four o'clock, male suspect,
dark hair, gym shoes.
- Sorry, you're gonna have to translate
your vision there, Constable Wattle.
- That is a jay walker waiting to happen.
Lowest of the low.
- Alright, there's no need for
the vitriol, Constable Blob.
Not unless crime actually is committed.
If it ever actually is.
Go and help the good
citizen there, Snowy, go.
- Hey you, hands in the air.
- Hang on a minute, Constable Wattle,
his foot was clearly on the line.
- No way.
- I believe it was and I also
believe in a case like this,
it's best to err on the side of caution.
What's that?
No, I do not need glasses, his
foot was clearly on the line.
- She's the one in the perch, Sarge.
Best vantage point to make the call.
- So you're sure?
- You're nicked.
- Hello, mum.
- Joy.
- Hello, boys.
- I'm sure you'll be very comfortable.
Um, um.
This is a bit embarrassing.
I'm sure there's a good
explanation for why
your home isn't quite ready yet.
- What's, um
What's happened to your nails, love?
- Do you like them?
- Well, they look a little--
- Weird.
Dangerous.
- Come inside, there's cake.
- It
was about to get weirder.
Mum had served up a cake
we could actually eat.
- Did you cook this?
- On your own?
- No, I bought it.
Mum doesn't buy cakes,
she bakes them.
And they're hard and
rubbery and full of love.
- So tomorrow some of the girls
are getting together again
and I thought that
It doesn't matter.
It's nothing.
I was just gonna see about
having another one tomorrow.
Another PDD.
Personal Development Day.
- No, I think that's a terrific idea, Joy.
In principle, I'm in full support.
- But?
- No big buts, it's just
I'm a little bit worried about
Blob's attitude down at the station.
- She's quite gung-ho.
Well, it really doesn't matter.
- Nah, I'm sure it was just nerves.
We'll be, we'll be fine.
You, you get on the phone
and let those ladies know
that you're going to
be part of their plans.
- What about the chook shed?
- That's just gonna have
to go in the backseat
for a little while, Phillip.
- Would you rather A, run down the street
in your underpants, B, sit on
a cactus, or C, kiss a baboon?
How about, D, go for a surf instead?
Woah!
- Look out, Lockie, they're
traumatised enough as it is.
I know, it's hardly five star, is it?
Seriously, Lockie, who is that woman?
And what has she done with my mum?
- I'm sure I could do this better
if I just had a quick surf.
I needed a serious break
and there was only place
guaranteed not to care
who I really, really was.
Only one place where it
didn't matter one bit
about every itch I ever scratched.
- Hey.
How'd it go with the quiz?
- Good, you?
- Yeah, good.
- Struggling a bit with
what breed of dog I am.
- Me too.
- See how alike we are.
- Peas in a pod.
And we were the same.
We were both lying our backsides off.
Neither of us had done more
than the first three questions.
- Hey.
- Hey, Egg, how are you?
- Egg, this afternoon after school,
you're getting a makeover.
- This afternoon?
- Clean socks, no product in your hair.
Apparently, that was important
when you're about to renovate someone.
- Leonard.
- Yes, Mr. Squasher.
- Perhaps you'd care to share
your insights with the class.
This was so not a note
I was actually planning to give to Vicki.
- Come on now.
I'm sure they'll all be fascinated.
What's it going to be, Leonard?
Will you read it out or shall I?
And for a second there,
I thought about eating it.
It had started out as a note for her.
- Sometimes I think you're
as playful as a Pomeranian
- But then it
kind of turned into a doodle.
- But when your hair is wet,
I think you're more like a poodle.
- Should've eaten it.
- I do try.
- Back at home,
mom was having a great
time with her girls.
- Too true.
- The
other mums were here for a pedi.
Vicki told me that's
short for something you do
to make your toenails less ugly.
- Look at this, girls.
I've heard of free range chickens,
but this is taking
things a bit far, is it?
- Off with those sandals, Joy.
It's time to complete the makeover.
- Mum
decided her new uniform
didn't fit so well after all
and she preferred her old own.
- I'm sorry, I don't
think this is really me.
- Hello, mum.
You built the chook shed.
- The girls and I have had a riot.
- So mum
was back in her old uniform,
but meanwhile, Sasha was
determined to change Egg's.
- Don't make me come in there, Egg.
Alright.
- No, stop!
Sasha, that won't come off.
- Egg's boots,
and they wouldn't come off
because Egg had been wearing
his Bogen uniform for so long,
it was like his second skin.
- I don't think Jeffrey's home yet.
He shouldn't be too long.
Excuse me.
- Egg's
new uniform was so good,
no one even recognised him.
Mum and Sarge decided it was time for Blob
to hang up her hat for a while.
- Blob?
- Play date today.
But not without busting
Constable Wattle as being
a bit of a softy beneath her badge.
- G'day.
This thing's killing my back anyways.
- Which
just leaves Vicki and me.
- The poodle thing, it was meant
in the nicest possible way.
It was a doodle.
- Yeah, I could see that
like a poodle doodle.
- Okay,
I never said I was a genius,
but even I could sense
something weird was going on.
- Vick? It's not about the poodle, is it?
- And I don't know the answer, Lockie.
I don't know if I'm a
pumpkin or a turnip or
- I'm not sure how,
but we jumped from animal to vegetable.
- And if I say pumpkin and
I was meant to say turnip,
then the quiz is gonna say
that we're not compatible.
And I don't know, it's just, I mean,
what if the quiz says that
I'm not a pumpkin or a turnip?
What if it says that I'm
actually a fruit loop
and that I say weird things
and sometimes I do weird things
like messed up things, you know?
And I know it sounds completely stupid,
but that stuff's not really
for everyone to know.
It's just for you to know.
- Vick, I don't care what
the stupid quiz says.
- You don't care?
Then why did you suggest
we do the stupid quiz in the first place?
- Because I thought it would
make everyone go away for five minutes
just so things could go back
to being just the two of us.
- So basically you think the same as I do?
- And you know what else?
Right now, I think I like
you more than surfing.
- Don't be ridiculous, Lockie Leonard.
- But I kind of did.
- And you're the only pumpkin
or turnip or fruit loop
I wanna hang out with.
- Do you know how crazy that sounds?
- Completely fruity.
- Totally.
- Here, give me your quiz.
- I
finally had some homework
I didn't mind doing.
I'm not gonna string it
out like a bad game show,
no 25 commercial breaks
before you get the results.
- Wrong, wrong, dear.
This is not looking good.
So here's the scoop.
I ticked every opposite box there was.
If I ticked black for me,
for Vicki, I ticked white.
And it worked, people lost interest,
not that it took them long
to find something new to talk about.
Yep, we were yesterday's news
and I don't think we could've
been happier about it.
("Worlds Away" by Jebediah)
So now that Vicki and I
were the it couple of
Angelus, we were big news.
We were the talk of the town.
It seemed we couldn't do anything
without making headlines.
Suddenly, everyone wanted
to know everything about us.
And when people got bored with the truth,
they started making stuff up.
Before we knew it, the lies
were spreading out of control.
And while we were hogging the front page,
- Sorry, didn't see ya.
- Not your fault.
- Mum
was struggling to get
a couple of lines down the
back near the crossword.
- Reports that mum has just washed her
5,017th pair of underpants,
cleaned the toilet 2,282 times
and hasn't had a holiday in 5,110 days.
- Sorry, mum, didn't see you there.
- Get me a sports uniform, mum.
- My lunchbox is cracked too by the way
and I need a note exempting
me from the English excursion.
- Socks are letting me down a bit, Joy.
I've got three pairs now
giving the old big toe
a little bit more liberty than I noticed.
What's that, Clark?
- Da-da.
- Well we can't have
that going on, can we?
Since you've got the
needle and thread out,
if you could have a look at that too.
Thanks, mum.
- And then there's the
shed for the chooks.
- The chooks?
- Passive soil, extensive use
of earth friendly materials.
Food scraps travel down from
the kitchen window here,
eggs released into there,
you can collect them without
actually entering the enclosure.
- And if I just add water,
it will spring up by itself.
- It is very advanced, but you're right,
it won't build itself.
That's where you'll need to get involved,
at least for the hardware store.
- I'll just leave the offending socks
on the ironing board, mum.
- Joy.
- Sorry?
- Well because strictly speaking,
I'm not actually your mum,
so you can call me Joy or
Mrs. Leonard, if you prefer,
but let's for the first time
in 5,110 days, give mum a rest.
Shall we?
Yes, I hear you, I'm coming!
Alright!
- Freeze, Leonard.
- What are you doing, Sarge?
- I think you need a
personal development day.
It's about 5,110 days
overdue, if you ask me.
- Goodness, it doesn't have to be today.
- Shh, no baby to take care of?
No, no, no.
No oven to clean, no, no.
Give me the apron.
Hand me the apron and step back.
Apron.
Now step back.
And it's not mum today, no, no, no.
It's Joy.
- Give 'em some room.
- Is it true you're a snot gobbler?
- Of course it's not true.
- Martin saw it, said it was
some serious booger munching.
- I do not eat snot.
Not even Lockie, it's disgusting.
- So you think Lockie's disgusting?
- Are you gonna break up with him?
- It's over.
- You're finished.
- Lockie's done!
- Just leave her alone!
- You know, the fastest way to get rid
of a lingering question is to do the quiz.
- The quiz?
- The Planet Girl Magazine
compatibility quiz.
All the significant Angelus
High couples have taken it.
It shows whether you're gold, silver,
bronze or aluminium foil.
How does it do that, you ask?
Let's face it, most friendships
start with a bit of a hunch.
You like the uniform.
You get the drift.
But the quiz takes away your uniform.
It strips you bare.
It'll tell us if, as a couple,
you'll go the distance.
You and Vicki answer these
multiple choice questions
and then we tally up the results.
If you score well enough,
it'll show you're really solid
and the rumours will stop.
That's what you want, isn't it?
- Alright, we'll do the quiz.
- We will?
- One for you and one for you.
Comparing answers will result
in immediate disqualification.
- We give up.
- Well, well, well, what
a happy turn of events.
- She's not, she's not
staying here, right?
- No, couldn't keep her here if I tried.
Nah, we'll be out on the beat in a flash.
- But policing is no place for a
- Baby?
- Fear not, she's been around
the block more than once.
Haven't you, Constable Blob?
- Unlike Blob,
mom didn't have a constable hat.
When Sarge took away mom's apron,
he sort of took away her uniform,
so she raided her wardrobe for a new one.
But nothing seemed the right fit.
And without a uniform,
mom felt totally exposed,
as if she were walking around naked.
- No arguments, Pamela!
Mrs. Leonard!
This here is Lockie's mum.
Fancy a game, Joy?
- Three against one?
- How long since you did
something for yourself, Joy?
Name three things you bought
in the last month just for you.
- Well
- What's the last nice
thing your family organised
to make your life better?
- Renovations.
- Sauna, spa?
- My youngest, Phillip, has
designed me a chicken enclosure.
The eggs will be a
tremendous benefit to me.
- Well, thanks for the game,
but I have a few supplies
I need to pick up
for the renovations.
- The only nails that are getting
any attention today are these.
- Mum was trapped.
Without her uniform, she wasn't
sure who she was anymore.
- It's your time now.
It's Joy time.
And so when Vicki's mum
offered her a new uniform to try on,
- Here have this, I have plenty.
- She was tempted.
- You're walking along the street
and you see $100 fall
out of someone's pocket.
By the time you pick it
up, the person is gone.
- Is it in notes or coins?
- Do you A, take it to the
police, B, put your foot over it
and stand there 'til
everyone has gone home, or C,
pick it up and run like crazy?
- I'm just not sure why that's a question.
fish finger, basketball
- Um, Sasha, this compatibility quiz,
I'm not totally sure I get it.
- I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
It's not like you'll
ever need to answer one.
- Why not?
- Um, hello, look at you,
at how you present yourself.
Actually, with a milligramme of style,
you could do something with yourself.
- I could?
- But you don't have
it, so what can you do?
That's what he doesn't have.
- Certainly.
Constable Blob didn't
have any problem slipping
back into her old uniform.
She was having a fine old time.
- Four o'clock, male suspect,
dark hair, gym shoes.
- Sorry, you're gonna have to translate
your vision there, Constable Wattle.
- That is a jay walker waiting to happen.
Lowest of the low.
- Alright, there's no need for
the vitriol, Constable Blob.
Not unless crime actually is committed.
If it ever actually is.
Go and help the good
citizen there, Snowy, go.
- Hey you, hands in the air.
- Hang on a minute, Constable Wattle,
his foot was clearly on the line.
- No way.
- I believe it was and I also
believe in a case like this,
it's best to err on the side of caution.
What's that?
No, I do not need glasses, his
foot was clearly on the line.
- She's the one in the perch, Sarge.
Best vantage point to make the call.
- So you're sure?
- You're nicked.
- Hello, mum.
- Joy.
- Hello, boys.
- I'm sure you'll be very comfortable.
Um, um.
This is a bit embarrassing.
I'm sure there's a good
explanation for why
your home isn't quite ready yet.
- What's, um
What's happened to your nails, love?
- Do you like them?
- Well, they look a little--
- Weird.
Dangerous.
- Come inside, there's cake.
- It
was about to get weirder.
Mum had served up a cake
we could actually eat.
- Did you cook this?
- On your own?
- No, I bought it.
Mum doesn't buy cakes,
she bakes them.
And they're hard and
rubbery and full of love.
- So tomorrow some of the girls
are getting together again
and I thought that
It doesn't matter.
It's nothing.
I was just gonna see about
having another one tomorrow.
Another PDD.
Personal Development Day.
- No, I think that's a terrific idea, Joy.
In principle, I'm in full support.
- But?
- No big buts, it's just
I'm a little bit worried about
Blob's attitude down at the station.
- She's quite gung-ho.
Well, it really doesn't matter.
- Nah, I'm sure it was just nerves.
We'll be, we'll be fine.
You, you get on the phone
and let those ladies know
that you're going to
be part of their plans.
- What about the chook shed?
- That's just gonna have
to go in the backseat
for a little while, Phillip.
- Would you rather A, run down the street
in your underpants, B, sit on
a cactus, or C, kiss a baboon?
How about, D, go for a surf instead?
Woah!
- Look out, Lockie, they're
traumatised enough as it is.
I know, it's hardly five star, is it?
Seriously, Lockie, who is that woman?
And what has she done with my mum?
- I'm sure I could do this better
if I just had a quick surf.
I needed a serious break
and there was only place
guaranteed not to care
who I really, really was.
Only one place where it
didn't matter one bit
about every itch I ever scratched.
- Hey.
How'd it go with the quiz?
- Good, you?
- Yeah, good.
- Struggling a bit with
what breed of dog I am.
- Me too.
- See how alike we are.
- Peas in a pod.
And we were the same.
We were both lying our backsides off.
Neither of us had done more
than the first three questions.
- Hey.
- Hey, Egg, how are you?
- Egg, this afternoon after school,
you're getting a makeover.
- This afternoon?
- Clean socks, no product in your hair.
Apparently, that was important
when you're about to renovate someone.
- Leonard.
- Yes, Mr. Squasher.
- Perhaps you'd care to share
your insights with the class.
This was so not a note
I was actually planning to give to Vicki.
- Come on now.
I'm sure they'll all be fascinated.
What's it going to be, Leonard?
Will you read it out or shall I?
And for a second there,
I thought about eating it.
It had started out as a note for her.
- Sometimes I think you're
as playful as a Pomeranian
- But then it
kind of turned into a doodle.
- But when your hair is wet,
I think you're more like a poodle.
- Should've eaten it.
- I do try.
- Back at home,
mom was having a great
time with her girls.
- Too true.
- The
other mums were here for a pedi.
Vicki told me that's
short for something you do
to make your toenails less ugly.
- Look at this, girls.
I've heard of free range chickens,
but this is taking
things a bit far, is it?
- Off with those sandals, Joy.
It's time to complete the makeover.
- Mum
decided her new uniform
didn't fit so well after all
and she preferred her old own.
- I'm sorry, I don't
think this is really me.
- Hello, mum.
You built the chook shed.
- The girls and I have had a riot.
- So mum
was back in her old uniform,
but meanwhile, Sasha was
determined to change Egg's.
- Don't make me come in there, Egg.
Alright.
- No, stop!
Sasha, that won't come off.
- Egg's boots,
and they wouldn't come off
because Egg had been wearing
his Bogen uniform for so long,
it was like his second skin.
- I don't think Jeffrey's home yet.
He shouldn't be too long.
Excuse me.
- Egg's
new uniform was so good,
no one even recognised him.
Mum and Sarge decided it was time for Blob
to hang up her hat for a while.
- Blob?
- Play date today.
But not without busting
Constable Wattle as being
a bit of a softy beneath her badge.
- G'day.
This thing's killing my back anyways.
- Which
just leaves Vicki and me.
- The poodle thing, it was meant
in the nicest possible way.
It was a doodle.
- Yeah, I could see that
like a poodle doodle.
- Okay,
I never said I was a genius,
but even I could sense
something weird was going on.
- Vick? It's not about the poodle, is it?
- And I don't know the answer, Lockie.
I don't know if I'm a
pumpkin or a turnip or
- I'm not sure how,
but we jumped from animal to vegetable.
- And if I say pumpkin and
I was meant to say turnip,
then the quiz is gonna say
that we're not compatible.
And I don't know, it's just, I mean,
what if the quiz says that
I'm not a pumpkin or a turnip?
What if it says that I'm
actually a fruit loop
and that I say weird things
and sometimes I do weird things
like messed up things, you know?
And I know it sounds completely stupid,
but that stuff's not really
for everyone to know.
It's just for you to know.
- Vick, I don't care what
the stupid quiz says.
- You don't care?
Then why did you suggest
we do the stupid quiz in the first place?
- Because I thought it would
make everyone go away for five minutes
just so things could go back
to being just the two of us.
- So basically you think the same as I do?
- And you know what else?
Right now, I think I like
you more than surfing.
- Don't be ridiculous, Lockie Leonard.
- But I kind of did.
- And you're the only pumpkin
or turnip or fruit loop
I wanna hang out with.
- Do you know how crazy that sounds?
- Completely fruity.
- Totally.
- Here, give me your quiz.
- I
finally had some homework
I didn't mind doing.
I'm not gonna string it
out like a bad game show,
no 25 commercial breaks
before you get the results.
- Wrong, wrong, dear.
This is not looking good.
So here's the scoop.
I ticked every opposite box there was.
If I ticked black for me,
for Vicki, I ticked white.
And it worked, people lost interest,
not that it took them long
to find something new to talk about.
Yep, we were yesterday's news
and I don't think we could've
been happier about it.
("Worlds Away" by Jebediah)