Lockie Leonard (2007–2010): Season 1, Episode 7 - Match of the Day - full transcript

- What a day, up to the soil

and the Lockie Leonard has taken

a pearl of a mark onn the soil at 50,

in what has been one
of the roughest matches

we've seen in Angeles
since the bloodbath of '92.

The injury toll is high.

Scores have been low, but
rest assured our Leonard

now is the chance to
kick Angeles in front,

in this, the final moments of finale game,

the championship final!

And you hero, take that!



We just made history here today folks,

this is one goal to remember.

Thank you Lockie Leonard!

You are a champion!

All rise for Lockie
Leonard, human torpedo!

- Lockie Leonard, man of the match.

You have to be pleased
with that outstanding

match winning performance today.

- Mate, it's all about the team!

- Lockie, you've been living
in Angeles for five weeks.

Moving here would have
to be the best decision

you've ever made, wouldn't it?

- Well that's right John,
after five weeks, I think it's

clear that just about
everybody sees my crazy family



as aliens, fruit loops,
and unrequited weirdos.

- And for you personally?

- Me personally, it's been brilliant.

Only last week I totally
offended the cutest

girl I've ever met.

And these guys make sure
I get a good thumping

each and every single day of the week.

- So it's official then,
Lockie Leonard is not

one of the gang?

- Exactly right John.

I'm an outsider, a lone wolf, renegade.

Doesn't get any better than this, does it?

Okay so maybe I'm a not a footie champion,

and I'm not a rebel either,
I'm good old Lockie,

who no one used to mind very much.

Who'd like nothing better
than to be one of the gang.

And then as if things
couldn't get any worse,

hello zits, horrible disfiguring zits!

- There are other people
who would like to use

the facilities you know.

- Did I mention that
Pop was still here?

- You're telling me that
there's no bran, no wheat germ,

and no prune juice?

- Sorry Pop, there's only
Candy O's, Fruity Loops,

and Loopy Puffs.

- I'm appalled, what am I supposed to eat.

I'm a self-funded retiree
who's bowels actually function.

That doesn't happen
without care, planning,

and hard work.

- Your grandfather's poos are the talk of

the retirement village.

Pop!

- Lockie, put your head in a bag,

you'll frighten your
grandmother half to death.

- He reminds me of zit
boy from the planet pus.

- Good morning all, glorious day outside.

Man can hardly wait to get off to work.

Talking of which I'll be
leaving the car at home

today for the exclusive
use of Nan and Pop.

So boys that means apart from
all her other myriad chores,

Mum will be driving you to school.

- How are you getting to the station?

- Paddy waggon, what do I
need, cuffs, hat, holster,

love sonnets of Percy B.
Shelly, yup I'm all set.

Lockie if I could have a word?

- Make an effort with Nan and
Pop, it'll help out your Mum.

- Yeah I know, it's just they're so...

- The word that you're
looking for is self-obsessed.

And I agree.

But they've made all the
effort to come and visit

so we should at least
make them feel welcome.

I'm depending on you son.

- I have it, Sarge.

- That'll be Lisa.

Alright I'll see you all tonight.

- Lisa, did someone say Lisa?

Here, now, why wasn't I told!?

Lisa, hi there, how's it hanging?

- Hey Phillip.

- That's right, it's me, Mr. Exclusive.

- Make an effort for Mum's
sake, engage with them,

say something, think up
an interesting question.

Sorry nothing coming
through, what's there to ask

two pensioners who are
hard-core, single-minded,

completely nuts-o golfers.

So I guess it's golf again today?

- Why, can you think of anything else?

- You know, doing stuff with your family?

You and Mum could maybe
head off for a nice drive,

share some quality moments together.

- I would actually really enjoy that.

- Joy, Nan and I are training for our

senior's golf intensive next week.

But if you'd like to come
to the club with Nan and me

today if that's what you'd really like.

- We could take Blob!

- Blob too, how lovely.

- Lovely, what fun.

- There we are, happy family.

Meanwhile the zit had doubled
in size since breakfast

and was still growing.

Was it human, was it from another world?

Will you survive the nightmare
of "The Attack of the

"50 Foot Pus Pimple!?"

- Lockie,
you're so nauseating!

- My zit was hideous, and
if I set foot into the

school I'd need a team
of paramedics to handle

the trauma counselling.

- I'm gonna go now Lockie,
don't be late for school.

- Solution, there was no solution.

I figured there so much
in the way of medication.

I needed to expose my zit to
the ocean's healing powers.

Teacher alert, teacher alert!

Shouldn't you be at school?

- I'm sick, what's your excuse.

Missing important studies
is a hell of a price to pay

for something that everyone
experiences from time to time.

- What, zits?

- No, feeling like a total outside.

- No that's because I am a total outsider.

- Maybe.

Maybe not, what's your
position on team sports?

- Funnily enough I hate them, why?

- In a small town like Angeles,
you find people respond

really well to who you
are once you've played

on a team with them.

- Wow that's scary.

- No mate, that zit is scary.

You're telling me people don't
know what your game is right?

I'm telling you, chose
a game that we all play.

Which in this town happens to be footie.

You'll break new ground socially

and I don't know if this
holds any interest to you

but girls love to stand
on the sidelines and

check out your bum.

- My God.

- Maybe he had a point, if
becoming a team player means

I could hook up with the
cutest girl on the planet,

it's worth thinking about.

- So where have you been?

Talking to your therapist about your

one disfiguring zit?

- Egg, let me run something past you.

The solution to daily
beatings and ridicule,

I'm thinking of taking up a team sport.

- What, are you mad?

- No, why?

- Do you know who play team sports,

who trains team sports?

Let me give you a clue.

Remember the last seven
times you got thumped?

- I'm going to see old
Squasher, I'm putting my hand

out for footie training.

- Footie, you see?

Foot-ie, it's already happening.

You're losing your ability
to say full length words.

- No wait!

I think it's gonna be tops.

Hey, why don't you come
along and do it with me.

- Okay, some way and
somehow this is about girls.

But I can't quite figure it out yet,

but I'm right, aren't I?

- Yeah, right.

What girl's gonna want
to look at me like this

without throwing up their breakfast.

- Well if it's Vicki
Streeting you're scared of

traumatising, don't be, she's not here.

- Reprieved!

If only for a day.

- And word is, she had a prior engagement

at the golf club.

- Golf club, as in the
same place as Nan and Pop.

It might not be so bad,
maybe Mum can put in

a good word for me.

- Sorry Dad, sorry.

Look, shh.

- Hi there, these are new faces.

I'm Sally, this is my daughter Victoria.

Though everyone says we
look much more like sisters.

My husband Barry is the mayor of Angeles.

- Joy Leonard, Nan and Pop
are visiting from Perth.

- And I know Vicki from school.

- You're Lockie Leonard's Mum.

- So what are his hobbies Joy?

Go-ahead young boy is he, ambitious?

- We don't really like to push him.

- Children, they had
to find their own way.

I told Victoria, as long
as her husband can make

a sweet $115,000 a year,
she can marry who she likes.

- So Victoria, you're not at school today.

- I refuse to let
Victoria miss her Home Ec

and jazz aerobics, but
this morning was only

math, English, and science.

Next hole?

- Join my elite footie squad?

- Yes sir.

- Is this one of your terribly
funny little jokes Leonard?

- No sir, I'm really keen.

I feel I have something to contribute.

- Very well then.

But do something about your
face, you look revolting.

- Your husband must carry
quite a responsibility.

- Well you can't just
take, take, take can you?

- Your Mum and Dad must lead very hectic

lives being the mayor and his wife.

- They're happy, they
decide what they want

and then everyone else fits in with them.

- It's okay Vicki, I know what you mean.

- When lunchtime arrived so did Vicki.

My reprieve had been cruelly cut short.

Just tell her I'll be at
footie training this afternoon,

how easy is that?

- You tell her, it's your bum!

- I can't let her see me like this.

- And Lockie,
you're not gonna look any

better by half past three.

- How do you know,
you've heard of miracle cures.

- That's sad, that's truly sad.

Hey, good day Vicki.

- Yeah, well I'll see ya later.

- Hey Vicki, Lockie's going
to be at footie training

this afternoon and he's
got nothing else to do.

- Lockie, football?

- Yeah what's wrong with that?

- Football?

- And he's gonna be wearing
these really cute shorts.

- Australia has been the
undisputed Aussie rules

footie world champions for
well over a century now.

That's because Australia
is the only country in the

world to play Aussie rules football.

Yeah yeah yeah!

- No way zit face!

- Hard push Leonard!

10 push ups, drop, that's everyone!

You can blame Leonard, 10 in a row!

Nine, eight, push, make it count!

Come on, three, two, one!

Okay go get changed.

Thank you, tomorrow same time.

Leonard if you decide not to come,

few of us here would mourn your absence.

- Quick, hide the pus, hide the pus!

- Are you alright?

Is it broken, let me see.

- No no, it's okay, I'm fine.

- Okay, I'll see you later then.

- What are you doing to yourself?

- It's great, I think it's really working

for me socially.

- Yeah, well no one said it was gonna be

a risk-free strategy.

Come on, come on.

- Hi Nan.

- Sh!

- How was your day with Mum?

- How was school Philly?

- Lockie.

- Whatever.

That's pathetic, I've
never seen him drop a shot

like that in his entire career!

- What have you done to your eye?

- Footie training.

Mum, it's alright, won't I
look even more repulsive.

- Footie to you.

- Mum.

- Lockie.

You will always be beautiful to me.

- So how was your day
out with Nan and Pop?

- You know, they decide
what they want to do

and the rest of us just fit in.

- Did you happen to see anyone
while you were down there?

No one in particular, I'm
just wondering really.

- We did as it happens.

We ran into a little friend
of yours, Vicki from school.

She knows all about you,
she's obviously taken

quite an interest.

Little did I realise while
sleeping, I was receiving

intense focus enhancement,
brainwashing's another

word for it.

- Yes indeed, he can whack a ball!

Whack a ball, whack a ball!

- No more ridicule, no more abuse!

Lockie Leonard, human torpedo!

- Miraculous Leonard, you're on the team!

- May I suggest a non-contact sport.

We bumped into your Mum and
her folks at golf yesterday.

Your Mum said did you
guys wanna come for a hit

of tennis after school today.

- Quick, say something!

Hide the pus, but say something!

Nice one Lockie.

Three days of team sports
and I was being invited

into the home of the
cutest girl on the planet.

But...

I can't go Mum, not looking like this.

- He's right Joanne,
he gets more revolting

every time you look at him.

- I must say he scares me.

I've been having dreadful nightmares.

- But Lockie you and Vicki
would get along so well.

She's sensitive and thoughtful and I think

she needs a friend.

- What on earth are you doing boy?

- I'm practising, I want
Lisa to check out my bum.

- Evening all.

- Lisa hi there, fancy meeting you here.

- Phillip, you
feeling completely well?

- Sarge, I couldn't feel any better!

- Glad to hear it.

Lockie.

- Mum honestly, nobody wants
to go to the Straightons

more than me, but can you
make up some excuse, please?

- Alright I suppose Sarge could use a hand

looking after Blob.

- Thanks Mum.

- What a pity poor Lockie
had to take his pet goldfish

to the vet for an emergency check up.

- Yes, he was so disappointed.

- An emergency.

- What with Victoria
spending all afternoon

in her room getting ready.

- If Vicki needed
a friend, she'd find the

best one she could have in Mum.

- Now who's for a hit?

- Joy look at your stance!

Have you forgotten everything
I've ever taught you?

How do you expect to serve like that?

- Out!

Phillip, our point, love 15.

- But it was in.

- It was in by a mile.

- Victoria, remember your manners please.

- But it was good, umpire are you blind?

- Don't argue with your father, Joy.

He worked all the hours
God sent to put food

on the table when you were young.

- Be very careful Mum or
I might have to impose

a bad behaviour penalty.

- Love 15, your serve.

- 15 old, our serve.

- So I missed the tennis.

But next morning I awoke to a miracle.

Who knows how, who
knows where, but finally

the zit had disappeared and I was ready to

face the world again.

But first Nan and Pop had to
leave for their golf intensive.

- Pity we always seem to
be rushing off somewhere.

After all there's nothing more important

than family, right Pop?

- Bye Joy, thank you for having us.

- We're just so sorry it
couldn't have been for longer.

- Right, let's go.

- What about my bribe, for tennis?

- Right.

- There you go, Pop.

Enjoy the golf.

- Pick it up!

When Handle gets the ball,
comes tearing out of the

backline, I don't want
you just standing around

looking at him!

Spread out!

Spread out where Mr. Leonard, where?

- Anywhere?

- Correct, anywhere.

You drag your opponents along with ya

which will give Buff room to
employ his awesome skills.

Now get out there an pulverise them!

- Angeles, Angeles, Angeles!

- I can whack a ball, I can whack a ball,

I can whack a ball!

- Good move Lockie.

If you hadn't contributed,
Buff would have had

no hope of snapping that goal.

Come on, up on your feet.

You know, I can see what
you've been trying to do

these past couple of days.

I really admire you for it.

- Status report, another miracle.

This is the best moment of my life.

The cutest girl in the
planet had just put her arm

around my waist.

Exactly right John, it
doesn't get any better

than this, does it?