Lockie Leonard (2007–2010): Season 1, Episode 17 - Swamp Rat - full transcript

- Okay, so here I am,

being dragged towards almost
certain serious injury.

I'm a surfer, yeah.

Lockie Leonard is a grummer,

and I like being a grummer.

So why pretend to be anything else?

Why does anyone pretend?

Perhaps for different reasons.

Like to get what we want.

- Interesting piece this one.

It definitely speaks to me.



Yes, metal.

- Okay, what do you want?

- Rev wanted
Mrs. Egg to wear a dress.

Weird, I know, but he had his reasons.

- I only got a phone call today.

- Other people
pretend because they want

everyone to think their lives are perfect.

- Car!

- Like in a TV commercial.

When they're not.

Phillip was pretending to be
the happiest boy in the world.

Actually, he raised that.

He seemed happier than that boy.

But on the inside, his heart
was in a billion pieces.



And not even his proven
mood lifter, Jelly Babies,

could stick it back together again.

Not that he was about
to let anyone know that.

But I knew.

Update.

I'm being towed behind
a very powerful boat

moving very very quickly.

And the best bit, I'd never skied before.

So why did I pretend I could?

Water skiing?

Great, I love skiing.

- Really?

- Vickie had just invited me

to the Streeton Annual
Angelus Business Owner's

Family Skiing Day.

Yeah, it's just like surfing.

Only there's two boards instead of one.

And no waves.

- Yeah, and it's on the back of a boat,

with a really powerful motor,
going very, very quickly.

- Okay, maybe I
hadn't thought it through.

But how hard could it be?

- My parents take their water
skiing really seriously,

so this is your chance to win them over.

- Not a problem.

- Great.

- Okay, so
there was some pressure.

If I didn't impress Vicki's parents,

it could make things tricky.

Don't worry, I'll blow them away.

- Okay, well we'll pick you up at seven.

And don't be late, Dad hates
it when people are late.

- Tomorrow?

Don't you have a prior engagement?

RSVP no, ASAP.

- I'm sorry Sarge,

you know how much I love going to church.

But water skiing with Vicki
and her family is important.

- Lockie, small point.

You don't know how to water ski.

- I can surf.

It's not that different.

- Phillip, stop that.

You better not have eaten the whole bag.

- I wouldn't eat the whole bag.

- That would include
eating the green ones.

What kind of person do you take me for?

- A person who will be flossing tonight.

- What's wrong with green ones?

Heaps of people like them.

- Only old people, and rats.

Hungry, desperate rats.

- Now look, I meant what I said.

Don't spoil your dinner.

Either of you.

- What, um, culinary
delight awaits us tonight?

Salmon Mornay?

- It was meant to be pork
chops, but it has kind of

turned into a soup.

With, um, with turnips!

- Sure, Lisa and
I were a perfect match.

We loved exactly the same things.

Science, barbecues, all
the important things.

- Phillip
needed something to take

his mind off Lisa, so I suggested

he invent a new flavour
for green Jelly Babies.

- I was right,

green Jelly Babies do have
an evil secret ingredient.

Probably turnips.

If I can extract that I
could be on to something.

- Mission accomplished.

I could go to sleep knowing
my work here was done.

'Night Phillip.

- It's not even dark yet.

And why are you sleeping in your wetsuit?

Are you having those
dreams again about girls?

- No.

I had my reason for the wet suit.

- And don't be late.

Dad hates it when people are late.

- 'Night Phillip.

- Maybe this experiment
is just out of my reach.

- Phillip?

Remember how long it took you
to perfect the moon rover six?

You can't give up yet.

- Hear hear.

You never give up.

Floss.

Let me riddle you this.

Boys, did the Yeats ever doubt

that he'd captured the human condition

in one perfect stanza?

Did Einstein ever doubt

that he could solve the
mysteries of the universe?

So in conclusion,

doubt is the individual's
public enemy number one.

The message,

keep at it son.

- Thanks, Dad.

I feel so much better.

- And the award for the
most convincing performance

by a dumped ex-boyfriend

who wasn't really a
boyfriend anyway, goes to,

Phillip Leonard.

- I'd like to thank my imagination

for thinking I had a chance
with Lisa in the first place.

Special mention to John East,

thanks for ruining my life.

- Meanwhile,
the Rev was desperate

for his Sunday sermon to be a winner.

Some assessors from the
church were coming down

to give him a sort of report card.

Rev's subjects included
presentation, public speaking,

and family.

Egg was worried.

If Rev got bad marks for any
subject, he could get expelled.

- I'm not wearing a dress.

I don't even have one.

- If you don't help,
Dad will lose his job.

- Don't worry.

If your mother decides
not to wear a dress,

I'm sure she'll charm the
assessors, regardless.

But filing that, my opening
gag is an absolute corker.

Get this.

A polar bear and an apostle

walk into a bar.

Now wait, let's see.
- We're going

to need help, Mum.

- No, let's see.

A bar walks into the...
- Fine.

Find me a dress.

Nothing floral.

I refuse to look like a quilt cover.

It's 5:31 A.M.

That only gives me an hour
and a half to sneak out

the front door, walk down the street,

and wait for the Streetons.

Could be tight.

May need supplies.

Come on Lockie, time to focus.

Be impressive.

If I keep my embarrassing
moments to three, max,

I might just be okay.
- Every time

we get in this car together, we are late.

- Sorry we're late.

Mom and Dad have been arguing all morning.

Have you been waiting long?

What's with the wetsuit?

There's change rooms there, you know.

- Embarrassing moment number 1.

- I don't know how many
times I've told you

not to make that muck.

- A Lebanese salad, Barry.

- Vicki was right.

Her parents had been fighting all morning.

And they weren't about
to stop for my sake.

- And who likes parsley?

I'll tell you who, no one!

- Meanwhile, Vicki
and I had hardly said a word

to one another.

We didn't need to.

We totally got each other.

It was like we existed in our own world

and nothing could take us out of it.

Almost nothing.

- You mongrel!

- Barry!

- Cops.

- What?

- They're right behind
me and they've got me.

- Perfect.

- Dear God, please,
don't let it be Sarge.

Anyone but Sarge.

Hey man.

- Morning all.

- Sarge.

- Lovely day for it.

Hello Lockie,

having fun?

- I figured
this was God punishing me

for skipping church.

- There we go.

- While speed may be admired
in sports such as cricket,

this is an 80 zone, so
here be your ticket.

- And the award for best
performance by a father

in an embarrassing role goes to,

Sarge.

- It's hard to find the words

to describe how unworthy I feel.

Thankfully, Yeats has found them for me.

Against unworthy praise.

- Hey, wake up.

We're here.

- I fell asleep.

No, embarrassing moment number three.

Already!

Quick, saliva check.

Saliva check.

- Barry, will
you hurry up and help us?

- Good news, Vicki's
parents had stopped fighting

over the salad.

Bad news, thanks to Sarge,
they had something new

to fight about.

- Complaining about speeding,
if you hadn't spent so long

cutting up this rabbit food I--

- Don't forget the salad darling.

- Another flawless performance.

- Barry, how you going?

- Beautiful day for it.

- You're doing well, they like you.

- Where did you get that idea from?

- My parents only ever fight

in front of people they really like.

I can't wait for you to meet my friends.

- Haven't I met all your friends?

- Not the ones that go to boarding school.

- Vicki!

- Vicki's friends
were the type of kids

I used to see in the city on weekends.

They played sports like
croquet and lacrosse,

and ate at classy
restaurants on school nights.

Heidi was definitely one of those kids.

- Lockie goes to Angelus High.

With us.

- Yes, we all know why you go there.

Your dad's only a baker.

- Harsh.

Still, she's Vicki's friend, smile.

- Vicki's dad's the mayor.

She has to go.

What's your excuse?

- Lockie's a majorly talented surfer.

The waves are so much better in Angelus,

so it makes sense for
him to go to school here.

- Go, Vicki.

- Wow.

Surfing, so how good are you?

- Well--

- He's brilliant.

He's had interest from America.

Sponsorship, video deals, the whole lot.

- So do you live up on the hill?

- No, I live more towards the bottom.

- Near the swamp?

You can't be serious.

You're dating a swamp rat?

- Yeah, but he won't be a
swamp rat for much longer.

Soon as that US deal comes through.

He'll be living in Hawaii.

You could come visit.

- Maybe what Vicki
said wasn't completely true.

But if it helped make a good impression,

did it really matter?

Meanwhile, Phillip hoped his
new green Jelly Baby flavours

would make a good impression on Egg.

- My previous 17 attempts
have been patchy.

- Man, you've got to stop that
before you poison somebody.

Find a new hobby.

Helping me, for an example.

- Doing what?

- Stuff I can't do.

Look, you're a smart guy.

You think outside the box.

- True.

- I only have two hours here,
and there's no one else.

I need you Phillip.

- Nice turn, Kitten.

- She's good.

- She's my daughter.

You can tell a lot about
somebody by the way they ski,

you know, whether they up to standard,

or not.

- Okay, the
pressure's officially on.

If I don't make a good impression here,

I'm gone.

So maybe it's time to rethink
the whole skiing thing.

Note to self, steer clear of situations

that could create embarrassing
moment number four.

Keep a low profile.

Avoid crowds, and anything
to do with skiing.

- Hello.

No, Lockie, wait.

We're dying to see you on the water,

being a professional sportsman and all.

You have been skiing before, right?

- Yeah, I'm all right.

- We go all the time.

Dad loves his boat.

What kind does your dad have?

- A small one.

80 footer, tiny.

- Yeah, tiny.

Just like the Titanic.

So, what does your dad do?

- I could pretend about some things,

like being able to ski,
or houses in Hawaii,

but there are some things
I could never lie about.

Well, Sarge is a Sarge.

- A policeman.

- Like writing parking tickets?

Saving kittens from trees?

A really important job.

There so, no boat.

And I'm getting there's no
interest from America either?

Do you lie all the time?

Or only on special occasions?

- Whatever.

I'm going to the toilet
to get some fresh air.

- Come on.

- The worst
thing about pretending,

people can find you out.

And then there's no
pretending what you are.

A big fat liar.

- Okay, first we have to make
Rev look like a proper Rev.

He's got to lose the
jacket, the earring too.

- I can't ask Dad that.

Things can get emotional.

- We don't have time for
people's feeling here!

- Shh.

- You wanted my help.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Here's his sermon, I've
made a few adjustments.

Say it would mean a lot to
you if he would read it out.

Blink a lot when you ask,
like you're about to cry.

Parents hate it when their kids cry.

And be quick.

After we finish with the
Rev, we're fixing you.

- Where have you been?

You okay?

- It was time to stop pretending
and start being honest.

I thought today was supposed to be about

me impressing your parents,
not Heidi and her clones.

- They're my friends you're talking about.

- I didn't think you were
someone who would make stuff up

just to impress people.

He's got interest from America.

What was that about?

Are you ashamed of me?

- No one's good enough for Heidi.

So what, you're saying you've
never stretched the truth

to try and impress somebody?

- No!

- Hey everyone,

it's Lockie's turn to ski next.

He can't wait to get behind that boat.

- Good luck, swamp rat.

- What have you done to your face?

- I cleaned myself up, just like you said.

Moisturiser.

Dad bought it for Mum before I was born.

Never been touched.

Can moisturiser go off?

- I feel naked without my earring.

- Dad, can you please not wear it,

just this once, for me?

- Yeah, all right, all right,

just don't cry again.

Please.

- Where's Mum?

- She's still getting ready.

- No one is allowed to speak.

If anyone speaks I'm going home
and not coming out all day.

- I have to say, you two look fabulous.

- Looks like we're both wearing dresses.

- The assessors.

They're an hour early.

- So here I am, again.

Being dragged towards serious injury.

- Wow, your swamp rat really is great.

- He's just had a bumpy start, that's all.

- Yeah, no, he'll be fine,

after he gets out of intensive care.

- Despite everything,

turned out Vicki did have
faith in me, after all.

- Sasha, is it just me, or
does something really stink?

Go Lockie Leonard!

Human torpedo!

- Vicki was right,

I'm Lockie Leonard,human torpedo.

I could do this.

It was amazing, like flying,

like walking on water.

It was like, well, a lot
like surfing, really.

This had to be impressing Vicki's parents.

My embarrassing moments were
fast becoming a distant memory.

I was back.

- He is good.

- He's my boyfriend.

- What the blazes does
he think he's doing?

- I think he's asking
the driver to speed up.

- This next bit's
a little hard to watch.

So here's some calming music.

This moment coming up,
I reckon it counts as

embarrassing moment four through to 57.

Maybe even 58.

On the way home,

Vicki and I didn't say
a word to each other,

only this time it wasn't a good thing.

- Jelly Baby, anyone?

- Maybe you could just drop
me off at the police station?

- Yep, okay, just stay calm,

I'm on my way.

Okay, we've got a moggy
caught up a wottle.

Lisa, can you drive Lockie to church?

And feel free to stay and
listen to the good word.

- What, um, yeah, sure.

Thanks, Sarge.

Are they Jelly Babies?

- Green?

You like the green ones?

- Yeah, they're my favourite.

Why is there parsley in your hair?

- Hello, it's nice to
see all your faces here.

Beautiful weather we're
experiencing lately.

- I wouldn't usually
be this happy going to church,

especially in my wetsuit,
but after the day I'd had,

I was looking forward to being with people

who weren't pretending.

Or so I thought.

It was like I'd stepped
into a parallel universe.

Everyone looked familiar,
but at the same time,

totally different.

- Let me riddle you this.

- Things even
sounded kind of familiar.

- Did Yeats ever doubt he could
capture the human condition

in one perfect stanza?

Did Einstein ever doubt that
he could solve the mysteries

of the universe?

And so, in conclusion,

doubt is the individual's
public enemy number one.

- Suddenly, Rev
realised that somethings are more

important than getting a good report card.

- No one's allowed to speak.

- So what this all means,
friends, if you have self belief,

and respect for others,
why pretend to be anything

but who you are, and
your dress or moisturiser

won't make you a better person.

After all, only when you
are at peace with yourself

will you be at peace with the world.

- The assessors
gave Rev top marks.

The only had one suggestion.

Throw in more jokes.

- Why did you bring her here?

- Lisa brought me.

- Well, get her to take
you back right now.

- Phillip.

How you going?

- Yes, good.

- Face to face with Lisa,

it was impossible for
Phillip to pretend anymore.

His heart broke into a billion pieces

all over again, and I
knew what I had to do.

Lisa, would you like another Jelly Baby?

What was your favourite colour again?

- I told you before, it's green.

Is there any other colour?

- Things had turned
weird between Vicki and me,

and I was determined to fix it.

- You've reached

the Streeton residence,
please leave a message

after the beep. ****

- Um, hi, Vicki.

It's Lockie.

I just wanted to say,

thing was, I didn't know what to say.

And I didn't want to pretend that I did.

I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Sometimes you have to pretend,

like when you're being polite.

- So, how does everybody like the soup?

I've added a little
cinnamon and some beet root.

- It's great.
- Delicious!

- Or, when you need
to make yourself feel better.

- I still can't believe Lisa
likes green Jelly Babies.

What did I ever see in her?

- But the times when
you don't have to pretend

at all, when you can
be exactly who you are,

those are the best times.