Liza on Demand (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Smile - full transcript
Liza tackles sexism on Taskit. Liza intends to break the "task ceiling". Liza comes up with an outrageous plan, which Oliver and Harlow disagree with.
(upbeat music)
(Amanda): Look at you!
You're really moving!
- Yup!
I'll just put this tray in
and then when they cool,
I'll start frosting!
- Amazing. This bake sale is
gonna make a ton of money
for NASA.
- Ah, I've always loved space.
The far reaches of the unknown.
There's so much left
to discover.
- What?
- Space. NASA?
- Oh, no. NASA is the National
Association for Sleep Apnea.
- Oh, in space
no one can hear you snore!
- I don't get it.
- Wasn't my best work...
- Anyway, you wouldn't believe
how hard it was to find a Tasker
who could bake!
- Well, I'm working my way up
to elite status,
and in order to be elite,
you have to be skilled
in all sorts of jobs.
Yesterday, I was a Bruno Mars
impersonator for a bar mitzvah.
I'm the same height as him.
- Oh, I almost forgot. I need
to hire another one of you
to hang up this shelf
for my pottery.
- Why hire another one of
me when you can just hire me?
I mean I'm here, I can do that
as soon as I'm done
with the cookies.
- That's okay,
it's really high up.
- I can totally use a ladder.
- That's okay, you'd need tools.
- I have a tool bag.
- That's okay.
You are doing such a great job
with those cookies.
- That is true.
Like a five-star job,
but I could totally put up
that shelf as well--
(Amanda): That's okay!
(Amanda): It's right over here,
I want to put it there,
in between the stars.
(Hugh): Let's have a look!
Hmm.
Okay, standard shelf.
Shouldn't be too hard.
- That's what she said.
(laughing)
Okay. I'll be back.
(grunting)
- Just stretching my penis.
- What?
- What?
So, I work for TaskIt too.
You elite?
- You know it. Nice cookies.
- Nice cookies...
- Bam.
Check this out.
- It's a little tilted.
- No, it's not.
- Oh my God. It's already up?
- After an hour...
- It is hung.
- Wow.
(phone chiming)
Five stars.
(Liza scoffing)
Did you just cough
in the cookies?
- No. No, I was just... Well,
these are finished as well.
- Oh, thank you.
- You can just... rate me later.
- Uh-huh. I actually have
a stuck doorknob in my room,
if you wouldn't mind
having a look.
- You want me
to adjust your knob?
- That's what she said.
(laughing)
It's over this way.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Take care of that box,
would ya, hon?
- No, that's not my trash.
(phone chiming)
Three stars?
Are you kidding me?!
Okay...
(clearing throat and coughing)
That's what she said.
(theme music)
That guy's elite? Really?!
Because those were five-star
cookies. Five stars!
And that shelf was crooked!
God, I hope that shelf
just falls
right on
his perfectly waxed balls,
while they're having sex
on the counter!
Awesome. Great.
Perfect!
(man): Smile!
- What did you just say?
- Smile, baby! You're too pretty
to look so mad!
- Okay, look. I don't want
to make a big deal out of it,
but I don't really appreciate
you saying that.
See,
I don't want to smile,
'cause I'm actually having
a terrible day.
Which you would have
no way of knowing,
of course,
but you're also
a total stranger.
So why should I do anything
you say to begin with?
Because it would please you?
Because that's rather
presumptuous and also...
...sexist. I mean, when
you really break it down.
- (Bleep) you, you limpy bitch!
You're ugly anyway!
- Limpy bitch because
you wouldn't smile?
That's extreme!
- Oh my gosh, I have heard
so much worse.
Last week, this guy said to me,
"Hey, can I ask you a
question?", and I was like,
"No, thank you",
and he was like, "Blow me.
You're a fat slut
who eats at Red Lobster."
(Oliver): I don't even
understand that.
- I know, right?! I love Red
Lobster! Crabfest is the tit.
- This is the problem.
Men literally get away
with everything.
Even shit that doesn't
make sense. It is the tits.
- Mm-hmm.
- God. You guys should
have seen that shelf.
I could have hung up
ten shelves better.
And faster.
While eating crab legs.
- Butter and tools are not
a safe combo. Just saying.
- It's guys like that that are
keeping me from elite status.
Look. TaskIt requires you
to perform jobs
in all quadrants
in order to reach elite.
Delivery,
organization, manual labor.
I don't get any jobs
in manual labor
because they always hire
some big, jacked up guy.
Clients look at my picture
and they think,
"Oh, she's so tiny, there's
no way she can lift a car."
- That's... mostly accurate,
though.
- I don't care. It's not right!
Look, I can do anything
a man can do, okay?
And I'm gonna prove it.
I'm gonna break through
the Task ceiling.
- Ooh, that's like t-shirt good!
- I know.
- You should really grab
the Twitter and Insta handle
for "Task Ceiling".
Actually, that's a really bad
idea, you shouldn't do that.
Never mind.
(Oliver):
It's fascinating really.
I just read an article where,
at this company,
just as an experiment,
a man and a woman switched
email signatures for two weeks.
Her sales went way up!
Where his started dropping.
Just from people thinking
she was a man.
- Yes! Oliver,
that's a great idea.
- What?
- I'm gonna dress up as a man
and put the picture
on my profile.
- I was not suggesting that
at all.
- Then I'll get jobs because
people will think I'm a man!
- One, because
it was just an experiment.
- Then I'll show up
to the job and kill it!
- And two, because if you do it,
it would be fraud.
- Ah! You have the best ideas,
always! Yes!
- No, not my idea!
(Liza): I love your idea!
- Hashtag:
"Taskceiling is trending!"
- Okay, time to be a man.
(upbeat music)
But which man?
Buy! Sell! Money! Cocaine!
Nah, I can't afford to eat this
month but check out these kicks!
"Scherenschnitte".
Could you please use that
in a sentence?
What's up, high? Wanna get bro?
S-C-H-E...
Jeeeeeet...
No, no one's gonna believe this.
I own both Boardwalk
and Park Place,
give me my money
so I may drive off in my shoe.
My shoes cost like
six hundred dollars. Each.
Sell the shoes, sell 'em!
E-N-S-C-H...
...N-I-T-T-E.
Scherenschnitte.
The art
of cutting decorative paper.
(laughing)
Oh, my God,
the Americans are crazy.
Damn. You even make basic
look good.
(phone chiming repeatedly)
What's up, bros?
Here for the moving job?
- What's up? Tim.
- 'Sup Tim?
- Pete.
- Yo, Pete.
Why we standing around
jacking our beanstalks?
Let's get her done.
- Okay. Tim and me
will get the chair.
- I'll get the lamp.
(Liza grunting)
Got it.
Nice.
(grunting and yelping)
(clearing throat)
Sorry... Threw out my back
last night.
(Bleep)... a woman.
- Doesn't he remind you
of Kevin?
- Totally. Totally Kevin.
Kevin II.
(Pete): Kevin II!
(chuckling)
The deuce! K-Deuce!
- K-Deuce!
- Hey, K-Deuce!
Yo, Kevin must be a real
masculine handsome guy, huh?
(clearing throat)
In a not homosexual way.
Let's get back to work!
(grunting)
- Yep?
- Yep.
- Got that?
- Yep, I got it.
Suck it, Task Ceiling.
- Okay so, tomorrow we'll drive
to the new place and unload.
- Copy that.
- Brew time. K-Deuce,
you down for some brews?
(Liza snorting)
- Does a camel shit in the sand?
- I don't know, I guess so.
- Never really thought about it.
- Is Nick the best Jonas
brother?
- What?
- Do girls all get their periods
at the same time
just to mess with us?
Hell yeah, they do,
let's get some booze!
- Brews!
- Brews!
(rock music playing)
- I'll have a Flat Tire.
- Let me get a Guinness.
- Oh, can I get
an apple martini--
... a beer?
Whichever beer will get me
the drunkest, am I right?
(crashing and groaning)
Whoa!
Still a little buzzed
from last night.
- Sorry, Deuce, my bad.
- Oh no, we good, we good, bro.
- Yo, K-Deuce, you see
that Kings game on Sunday?
- Totally. You know
I watch all the sports.
(Liza): You know, like...
LeBron.
- Oh. Pfft, love LeBron.
(Liza): Right?! I mean when
he, like... scores the points.
It's all like...
(making explosion noise)
Right?
- Yeah.
- Cheers to that.
- Yo.
- Yo, End of Days 4
this weekend, my place.
- You got it? You play it yet?
It looks sick!
- Nazi zombies
versus robot vampires!
- Eh, Deuce, you Day?
- What's up?
- End of Days 4,
the video game.
- Oh, hell ya, I Day.
Every day.
- You should come this weekend.
- Except for this weekend.
Yeah, no, this weekend I'm
hooking up with a girl I met.
- Mmm.
- Online.
- Ah, the Deuce getting some!
- Yeah, you know!
I texted her, and I was like,
"Yo, what's up, girl?
Send nudes."
- That worked?
- Yeah, so many nudes.
And then I was like,
"Yo, girl. Are you winter?
'Cause you gonna
be coming soon!"
(laughing)
- Netflix and Deuce!
- Yeah, then I was all like,
"Yo, let me drink your dad's
milkshake to get a taste
of the recipe! Ahh!".
- That's, that's kind of
too much.
- Yeah, it was too much.
- Yeah...
- I didn't do that.
Yo, Imma go take a whiz.
- Alright.
- Gotta drain the little Kev.
Drop a K-Deuce.
(laughing)
Sup?
(phone ringing)
Yo, Oliver, it's me! I need
to know what men
talk about at bars!
- I don't know who this is.
(clearing throat)
- I just need like one topic,
okay? I'm freaking out!
- First of all, this is still
fraud. Second of all,
how the hell would I know
what men talk about in bars?
Straight bars.
- I already used up
my one sports reference!
- Liza. I have to-go sushi.
It is time sensitive.
- Okay, just one topic.
Like one.
- Fine. "Ballers", bye!
- No, no, no, no, I don't
watch that, you know
I'm afraid of The Rock!
(phone beeping)
Ah. It's disgusting in here.
(clearing throat)
- Wassup.
(urinal flushing)
Oh.
(man): Oh God.
(fly unzipping)
(groaning, farting)
Oh, Christ.
Hey, bro?
Are you still there?
- Mm-hmm.
- There's no paper in here, can
you pass me a couple of towels?
Hello?!
- Yup.
Here you go.
- Oh, I can't stand up, man, I'm
gonna smush it all together.
- I got you.
(clearing throat)
- Just pass it.
Thank you. Thanks.
Christ.
(toilet flushing)
- So uh... Ballers, huh?
- What?
- You watch Ballers this week?
- No.
- Yeah, me neither. Show sucks.
(Bleep) hate The Rock. So bald.
End of Days is pretty sick
though.
- Oh yeah, you Day?
(Liza scoffing)
- Do I Day?
Pfft. All day.
- I just hooked mine
up to my surround system.
- Must sound dope! I would kill
an endangered snow leopard
just to Day with surrounds.
- I put one of the speakers
right behind the couch,
so that when the Nazi's heads
explode,
you feel it right in your ass!
- I would kill two snow leopards
just to feel a Nazi's head
explode in my ass.
- Alright, let's go.
- What?
- I just got an eighth
of White Walker, let's smoke
out and kill some vampires.
Besides, this bar (bleep) sucks.
There's nothing,
but fat chicks in here.
- Alright, bro.
Let's Day.
- Esta mi casa fantastico.
(clearing throat)
You want a beer?
- You got Guinness?
- No. I got Coors.
- Alright.
Whoa.
Nice place.
Hey. Go Cubs.
- I'm gonna roll a doob.
(Liza): Doob it!
Soapy crotches.
Love soapy crotches.
Old ramen.
Love old ramen.
It's nice.
You know what else I love?
Telling women to smile.
You know?
Out on the street,
walking around.
"Smile, baby, come on,
you should smile!" Right?
Love doing that.
God, I love doing that.
Why do we love doing that?
- Pfft, who knows? I don't know.
I told this girl on the street
yesterday to smile,
and she was like,
"No! I'm a (bleep) bitch."
- That's... hard to believe.
- She had no tits, this girl.
Believe me. It's probably why
she was so mad.
It's like, you try and be nice
to bitches,
but they still just act
like bitches.
It really pissed me off.
I had to come back here and work
on my toothpick model of Wrigley
Field just to calm down.
- Wow! Would you look at that.
Looks like it took you
a long time to do this, huh?
- Yeah, like a full year.
- And it's really delicate...ly
detailed.
- It's like thousands of
toothpicks.
Alright, sweet!
Let's fire this up
and End of Days!
(smashing)
- Whoo!
- What the (bleep)?!
- Smile! Come on, babe, smile!
You're too pretty to be so mad!
Yeah, that's right.
Remember me? Limpy bitch?
- What?
- Remember how you told me
how to smile?
Do I look pretty now, huh?
Do you like this?
How do you like this?!
- What...
Why did you do that?!
I was building that for my dad!
- I...
You were...
- It's his birthday! My mom...
died when I was six!
He basically raised me
all by himself,
he took me to every single
Cubs game!
That's how we bonded!
I was building it to show him
how much I appreciate him,
and you just ruined it.
Why'd you do that?!
- I'm sorry! I, I, you were such
a dick to me yesterday!
- Whatever, you didn't have
to wreck my whole model!
I'm sorry I was rude to you
on the street, I'm sorry!
I'm really drunk right now!
You just turned into a woman,
you're making me...
- Hey, you're right,
you're right. I'm sorry.
(sniffling)
Okay, I'll help you fix it.
- You will?
- Yeah.
- Okay...
Okay, so let me make sure
I got all this.
When I tell a woman to smile,
I'm acting selfish and entitled,
because I'm expecting her
to be subservient
to my unsolicited instructions?
- Exactly.
- And I'm also being
sexually aggressive
by behaving like she exists
solely for my male gaze
and my personal pleasure?
- Yeah. Hundred percent.
- Geez, Liza.
I just... I never
thought about it that way,
but it makes total sense. What
if you don't feel like smiling?
- I know.
- I've never told another man
to smile.
- Exactly.
You taught me that both men
and women can see eye to eye
if they just... communicate
openly,
and try to see things
from one another's perspectives.
Your dad is really gonna
love this, though.
- He really will.
- You know, it was really great
meeting you.
- You too.
- And now, we're both gonna go
off into the world
as deeper,
more understanding human beings.
- I know I am.
Damn, girl.
You have a great ass!
You know where
that would look good?
My face.
Get home safe!
- Ah, great.
(upbeat music)
(indistinct chatter)
(Liza): Hello, boys.
Hey, so I have a confession
to make.
I know you guys are wondering,
"Whoa! What's this total,
pretty cute stranger
that's coming up to us?"
I'm actually not... a stranger.
You know me very well.
It's me! Kevin!
The K-Deuce, you know?
My real name is Liza.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Um, I just wanted to apologize
to you guys
for making you think
I was a dude.
- We knew you weren't a dude.
- But you said I reminded you
of your friend Kevin!
- Well yeah, Kevin, our friend
who's transitioning.
- Their cis-gender name is
Kelly.
- They just started
hormone therapy,
and we wanted
to be supportive friends,
so we educated ourselves
on the correct behavior.
We didn't want to be invasive
by questioning you yesterday
in order to respect
your journey.
- Wow. You two are really
evolved and supportive men.
- We gotta get this truck going.
- Yeah.
- You coming, Liza?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Where did you go last night,
you never came back.
- I went home with a man.
Yeah. Thanks, man.
- K-Deuce!
- It smells like my
grandmother's car in here.
- Moving is hard work.
Okay, my body is not used to
that sort of labor.
Or... labor.
- Hmm.
(Liza groaning)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch out.
But... I did get five stars.
And, I'm one step closer
to elite status.
- You broke the Task Ceiling!
- I shattered it, baby!
- Mmm!
- And, I'm officially
a woman again.
- That's questionable.
(laughing sarcastically)
You think you'll miss it?
Being a guy?
- I mean, it did have
its perks.
Man-spreading.
Man-splaining.
- Sure, yeah.
- And walking around at night
without fear.
Farting unapologetically.
- You do that already.
- Yeah, it's true. Having people
listen to my ideas.
Doing next to nothing,
but still getting
all the credit for it.
That extra 23 cents per hour.
Not having to think
about not getting pregnant.
- What?
- Just the feeling of it.
- Ah. Okay.
- All that said, I'm sticking
with my X chromosomes.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
I love being a woman!
I wouldn't trade that
for anything else.
- Mm-hmm.
- Although,
using a urinal was dope.
(Harlow): Ew! You guys!
Somebody peed in the sink!
(laughing)
- That's not funny.
- I'm not saying who.
- All because they thought
she was a woman.
(laughing)
- Yo, I'm gonna suck your--
oh, shit.
- You're a fat bitch
who eats at fat lobster.
(banging)
(indistinct chatter)
- S-C-H... Shit.
Wait... One more time!
I own both--
Both Boardwalk and Park Place,
pay me my...
Pay me my rent
so I may drive off in my shoe.
I have so much money!
Okay, that's all I got.
Yo, whaddup, it's Liza on the
bed, telling you to keep
watching Liza on Demand.
Click to the right right now
to have access to all
YouTube Originals
and keep watching your favourite
show, Liza on Demand.
(gasps)
It's your favourite show?
Thank you!
(Amanda): Look at you!
You're really moving!
- Yup!
I'll just put this tray in
and then when they cool,
I'll start frosting!
- Amazing. This bake sale is
gonna make a ton of money
for NASA.
- Ah, I've always loved space.
The far reaches of the unknown.
There's so much left
to discover.
- What?
- Space. NASA?
- Oh, no. NASA is the National
Association for Sleep Apnea.
- Oh, in space
no one can hear you snore!
- I don't get it.
- Wasn't my best work...
- Anyway, you wouldn't believe
how hard it was to find a Tasker
who could bake!
- Well, I'm working my way up
to elite status,
and in order to be elite,
you have to be skilled
in all sorts of jobs.
Yesterday, I was a Bruno Mars
impersonator for a bar mitzvah.
I'm the same height as him.
- Oh, I almost forgot. I need
to hire another one of you
to hang up this shelf
for my pottery.
- Why hire another one of
me when you can just hire me?
I mean I'm here, I can do that
as soon as I'm done
with the cookies.
- That's okay,
it's really high up.
- I can totally use a ladder.
- That's okay, you'd need tools.
- I have a tool bag.
- That's okay.
You are doing such a great job
with those cookies.
- That is true.
Like a five-star job,
but I could totally put up
that shelf as well--
(Amanda): That's okay!
(Amanda): It's right over here,
I want to put it there,
in between the stars.
(Hugh): Let's have a look!
Hmm.
Okay, standard shelf.
Shouldn't be too hard.
- That's what she said.
(laughing)
Okay. I'll be back.
(grunting)
- Just stretching my penis.
- What?
- What?
So, I work for TaskIt too.
You elite?
- You know it. Nice cookies.
- Nice cookies...
- Bam.
Check this out.
- It's a little tilted.
- No, it's not.
- Oh my God. It's already up?
- After an hour...
- It is hung.
- Wow.
(phone chiming)
Five stars.
(Liza scoffing)
Did you just cough
in the cookies?
- No. No, I was just... Well,
these are finished as well.
- Oh, thank you.
- You can just... rate me later.
- Uh-huh. I actually have
a stuck doorknob in my room,
if you wouldn't mind
having a look.
- You want me
to adjust your knob?
- That's what she said.
(laughing)
It's over this way.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Take care of that box,
would ya, hon?
- No, that's not my trash.
(phone chiming)
Three stars?
Are you kidding me?!
Okay...
(clearing throat and coughing)
That's what she said.
(theme music)
That guy's elite? Really?!
Because those were five-star
cookies. Five stars!
And that shelf was crooked!
God, I hope that shelf
just falls
right on
his perfectly waxed balls,
while they're having sex
on the counter!
Awesome. Great.
Perfect!
(man): Smile!
- What did you just say?
- Smile, baby! You're too pretty
to look so mad!
- Okay, look. I don't want
to make a big deal out of it,
but I don't really appreciate
you saying that.
See,
I don't want to smile,
'cause I'm actually having
a terrible day.
Which you would have
no way of knowing,
of course,
but you're also
a total stranger.
So why should I do anything
you say to begin with?
Because it would please you?
Because that's rather
presumptuous and also...
...sexist. I mean, when
you really break it down.
- (Bleep) you, you limpy bitch!
You're ugly anyway!
- Limpy bitch because
you wouldn't smile?
That's extreme!
- Oh my gosh, I have heard
so much worse.
Last week, this guy said to me,
"Hey, can I ask you a
question?", and I was like,
"No, thank you",
and he was like, "Blow me.
You're a fat slut
who eats at Red Lobster."
(Oliver): I don't even
understand that.
- I know, right?! I love Red
Lobster! Crabfest is the tit.
- This is the problem.
Men literally get away
with everything.
Even shit that doesn't
make sense. It is the tits.
- Mm-hmm.
- God. You guys should
have seen that shelf.
I could have hung up
ten shelves better.
And faster.
While eating crab legs.
- Butter and tools are not
a safe combo. Just saying.
- It's guys like that that are
keeping me from elite status.
Look. TaskIt requires you
to perform jobs
in all quadrants
in order to reach elite.
Delivery,
organization, manual labor.
I don't get any jobs
in manual labor
because they always hire
some big, jacked up guy.
Clients look at my picture
and they think,
"Oh, she's so tiny, there's
no way she can lift a car."
- That's... mostly accurate,
though.
- I don't care. It's not right!
Look, I can do anything
a man can do, okay?
And I'm gonna prove it.
I'm gonna break through
the Task ceiling.
- Ooh, that's like t-shirt good!
- I know.
- You should really grab
the Twitter and Insta handle
for "Task Ceiling".
Actually, that's a really bad
idea, you shouldn't do that.
Never mind.
(Oliver):
It's fascinating really.
I just read an article where,
at this company,
just as an experiment,
a man and a woman switched
email signatures for two weeks.
Her sales went way up!
Where his started dropping.
Just from people thinking
she was a man.
- Yes! Oliver,
that's a great idea.
- What?
- I'm gonna dress up as a man
and put the picture
on my profile.
- I was not suggesting that
at all.
- Then I'll get jobs because
people will think I'm a man!
- One, because
it was just an experiment.
- Then I'll show up
to the job and kill it!
- And two, because if you do it,
it would be fraud.
- Ah! You have the best ideas,
always! Yes!
- No, not my idea!
(Liza): I love your idea!
- Hashtag:
"Taskceiling is trending!"
- Okay, time to be a man.
(upbeat music)
But which man?
Buy! Sell! Money! Cocaine!
Nah, I can't afford to eat this
month but check out these kicks!
"Scherenschnitte".
Could you please use that
in a sentence?
What's up, high? Wanna get bro?
S-C-H-E...
Jeeeeeet...
No, no one's gonna believe this.
I own both Boardwalk
and Park Place,
give me my money
so I may drive off in my shoe.
My shoes cost like
six hundred dollars. Each.
Sell the shoes, sell 'em!
E-N-S-C-H...
...N-I-T-T-E.
Scherenschnitte.
The art
of cutting decorative paper.
(laughing)
Oh, my God,
the Americans are crazy.
Damn. You even make basic
look good.
(phone chiming repeatedly)
What's up, bros?
Here for the moving job?
- What's up? Tim.
- 'Sup Tim?
- Pete.
- Yo, Pete.
Why we standing around
jacking our beanstalks?
Let's get her done.
- Okay. Tim and me
will get the chair.
- I'll get the lamp.
(Liza grunting)
Got it.
Nice.
(grunting and yelping)
(clearing throat)
Sorry... Threw out my back
last night.
(Bleep)... a woman.
- Doesn't he remind you
of Kevin?
- Totally. Totally Kevin.
Kevin II.
(Pete): Kevin II!
(chuckling)
The deuce! K-Deuce!
- K-Deuce!
- Hey, K-Deuce!
Yo, Kevin must be a real
masculine handsome guy, huh?
(clearing throat)
In a not homosexual way.
Let's get back to work!
(grunting)
- Yep?
- Yep.
- Got that?
- Yep, I got it.
Suck it, Task Ceiling.
- Okay so, tomorrow we'll drive
to the new place and unload.
- Copy that.
- Brew time. K-Deuce,
you down for some brews?
(Liza snorting)
- Does a camel shit in the sand?
- I don't know, I guess so.
- Never really thought about it.
- Is Nick the best Jonas
brother?
- What?
- Do girls all get their periods
at the same time
just to mess with us?
Hell yeah, they do,
let's get some booze!
- Brews!
- Brews!
(rock music playing)
- I'll have a Flat Tire.
- Let me get a Guinness.
- Oh, can I get
an apple martini--
... a beer?
Whichever beer will get me
the drunkest, am I right?
(crashing and groaning)
Whoa!
Still a little buzzed
from last night.
- Sorry, Deuce, my bad.
- Oh no, we good, we good, bro.
- Yo, K-Deuce, you see
that Kings game on Sunday?
- Totally. You know
I watch all the sports.
(Liza): You know, like...
LeBron.
- Oh. Pfft, love LeBron.
(Liza): Right?! I mean when
he, like... scores the points.
It's all like...
(making explosion noise)
Right?
- Yeah.
- Cheers to that.
- Yo.
- Yo, End of Days 4
this weekend, my place.
- You got it? You play it yet?
It looks sick!
- Nazi zombies
versus robot vampires!
- Eh, Deuce, you Day?
- What's up?
- End of Days 4,
the video game.
- Oh, hell ya, I Day.
Every day.
- You should come this weekend.
- Except for this weekend.
Yeah, no, this weekend I'm
hooking up with a girl I met.
- Mmm.
- Online.
- Ah, the Deuce getting some!
- Yeah, you know!
I texted her, and I was like,
"Yo, what's up, girl?
Send nudes."
- That worked?
- Yeah, so many nudes.
And then I was like,
"Yo, girl. Are you winter?
'Cause you gonna
be coming soon!"
(laughing)
- Netflix and Deuce!
- Yeah, then I was all like,
"Yo, let me drink your dad's
milkshake to get a taste
of the recipe! Ahh!".
- That's, that's kind of
too much.
- Yeah, it was too much.
- Yeah...
- I didn't do that.
Yo, Imma go take a whiz.
- Alright.
- Gotta drain the little Kev.
Drop a K-Deuce.
(laughing)
Sup?
(phone ringing)
Yo, Oliver, it's me! I need
to know what men
talk about at bars!
- I don't know who this is.
(clearing throat)
- I just need like one topic,
okay? I'm freaking out!
- First of all, this is still
fraud. Second of all,
how the hell would I know
what men talk about in bars?
Straight bars.
- I already used up
my one sports reference!
- Liza. I have to-go sushi.
It is time sensitive.
- Okay, just one topic.
Like one.
- Fine. "Ballers", bye!
- No, no, no, no, I don't
watch that, you know
I'm afraid of The Rock!
(phone beeping)
Ah. It's disgusting in here.
(clearing throat)
- Wassup.
(urinal flushing)
Oh.
(man): Oh God.
(fly unzipping)
(groaning, farting)
Oh, Christ.
Hey, bro?
Are you still there?
- Mm-hmm.
- There's no paper in here, can
you pass me a couple of towels?
Hello?!
- Yup.
Here you go.
- Oh, I can't stand up, man, I'm
gonna smush it all together.
- I got you.
(clearing throat)
- Just pass it.
Thank you. Thanks.
Christ.
(toilet flushing)
- So uh... Ballers, huh?
- What?
- You watch Ballers this week?
- No.
- Yeah, me neither. Show sucks.
(Bleep) hate The Rock. So bald.
End of Days is pretty sick
though.
- Oh yeah, you Day?
(Liza scoffing)
- Do I Day?
Pfft. All day.
- I just hooked mine
up to my surround system.
- Must sound dope! I would kill
an endangered snow leopard
just to Day with surrounds.
- I put one of the speakers
right behind the couch,
so that when the Nazi's heads
explode,
you feel it right in your ass!
- I would kill two snow leopards
just to feel a Nazi's head
explode in my ass.
- Alright, let's go.
- What?
- I just got an eighth
of White Walker, let's smoke
out and kill some vampires.
Besides, this bar (bleep) sucks.
There's nothing,
but fat chicks in here.
- Alright, bro.
Let's Day.
- Esta mi casa fantastico.
(clearing throat)
You want a beer?
- You got Guinness?
- No. I got Coors.
- Alright.
Whoa.
Nice place.
Hey. Go Cubs.
- I'm gonna roll a doob.
(Liza): Doob it!
Soapy crotches.
Love soapy crotches.
Old ramen.
Love old ramen.
It's nice.
You know what else I love?
Telling women to smile.
You know?
Out on the street,
walking around.
"Smile, baby, come on,
you should smile!" Right?
Love doing that.
God, I love doing that.
Why do we love doing that?
- Pfft, who knows? I don't know.
I told this girl on the street
yesterday to smile,
and she was like,
"No! I'm a (bleep) bitch."
- That's... hard to believe.
- She had no tits, this girl.
Believe me. It's probably why
she was so mad.
It's like, you try and be nice
to bitches,
but they still just act
like bitches.
It really pissed me off.
I had to come back here and work
on my toothpick model of Wrigley
Field just to calm down.
- Wow! Would you look at that.
Looks like it took you
a long time to do this, huh?
- Yeah, like a full year.
- And it's really delicate...ly
detailed.
- It's like thousands of
toothpicks.
Alright, sweet!
Let's fire this up
and End of Days!
(smashing)
- Whoo!
- What the (bleep)?!
- Smile! Come on, babe, smile!
You're too pretty to be so mad!
Yeah, that's right.
Remember me? Limpy bitch?
- What?
- Remember how you told me
how to smile?
Do I look pretty now, huh?
Do you like this?
How do you like this?!
- What...
Why did you do that?!
I was building that for my dad!
- I...
You were...
- It's his birthday! My mom...
died when I was six!
He basically raised me
all by himself,
he took me to every single
Cubs game!
That's how we bonded!
I was building it to show him
how much I appreciate him,
and you just ruined it.
Why'd you do that?!
- I'm sorry! I, I, you were such
a dick to me yesterday!
- Whatever, you didn't have
to wreck my whole model!
I'm sorry I was rude to you
on the street, I'm sorry!
I'm really drunk right now!
You just turned into a woman,
you're making me...
- Hey, you're right,
you're right. I'm sorry.
(sniffling)
Okay, I'll help you fix it.
- You will?
- Yeah.
- Okay...
Okay, so let me make sure
I got all this.
When I tell a woman to smile,
I'm acting selfish and entitled,
because I'm expecting her
to be subservient
to my unsolicited instructions?
- Exactly.
- And I'm also being
sexually aggressive
by behaving like she exists
solely for my male gaze
and my personal pleasure?
- Yeah. Hundred percent.
- Geez, Liza.
I just... I never
thought about it that way,
but it makes total sense. What
if you don't feel like smiling?
- I know.
- I've never told another man
to smile.
- Exactly.
You taught me that both men
and women can see eye to eye
if they just... communicate
openly,
and try to see things
from one another's perspectives.
Your dad is really gonna
love this, though.
- He really will.
- You know, it was really great
meeting you.
- You too.
- And now, we're both gonna go
off into the world
as deeper,
more understanding human beings.
- I know I am.
Damn, girl.
You have a great ass!
You know where
that would look good?
My face.
Get home safe!
- Ah, great.
(upbeat music)
(indistinct chatter)
(Liza): Hello, boys.
Hey, so I have a confession
to make.
I know you guys are wondering,
"Whoa! What's this total,
pretty cute stranger
that's coming up to us?"
I'm actually not... a stranger.
You know me very well.
It's me! Kevin!
The K-Deuce, you know?
My real name is Liza.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Um, I just wanted to apologize
to you guys
for making you think
I was a dude.
- We knew you weren't a dude.
- But you said I reminded you
of your friend Kevin!
- Well yeah, Kevin, our friend
who's transitioning.
- Their cis-gender name is
Kelly.
- They just started
hormone therapy,
and we wanted
to be supportive friends,
so we educated ourselves
on the correct behavior.
We didn't want to be invasive
by questioning you yesterday
in order to respect
your journey.
- Wow. You two are really
evolved and supportive men.
- We gotta get this truck going.
- Yeah.
- You coming, Liza?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Where did you go last night,
you never came back.
- I went home with a man.
Yeah. Thanks, man.
- K-Deuce!
- It smells like my
grandmother's car in here.
- Moving is hard work.
Okay, my body is not used to
that sort of labor.
Or... labor.
- Hmm.
(Liza groaning)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch out.
But... I did get five stars.
And, I'm one step closer
to elite status.
- You broke the Task Ceiling!
- I shattered it, baby!
- Mmm!
- And, I'm officially
a woman again.
- That's questionable.
(laughing sarcastically)
You think you'll miss it?
Being a guy?
- I mean, it did have
its perks.
Man-spreading.
Man-splaining.
- Sure, yeah.
- And walking around at night
without fear.
Farting unapologetically.
- You do that already.
- Yeah, it's true. Having people
listen to my ideas.
Doing next to nothing,
but still getting
all the credit for it.
That extra 23 cents per hour.
Not having to think
about not getting pregnant.
- What?
- Just the feeling of it.
- Ah. Okay.
- All that said, I'm sticking
with my X chromosomes.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
I love being a woman!
I wouldn't trade that
for anything else.
- Mm-hmm.
- Although,
using a urinal was dope.
(Harlow): Ew! You guys!
Somebody peed in the sink!
(laughing)
- That's not funny.
- I'm not saying who.
- All because they thought
she was a woman.
(laughing)
- Yo, I'm gonna suck your--
oh, shit.
- You're a fat bitch
who eats at fat lobster.
(banging)
(indistinct chatter)
- S-C-H... Shit.
Wait... One more time!
I own both--
Both Boardwalk and Park Place,
pay me my...
Pay me my rent
so I may drive off in my shoe.
I have so much money!
Okay, that's all I got.
Yo, whaddup, it's Liza on the
bed, telling you to keep
watching Liza on Demand.
Click to the right right now
to have access to all
YouTube Originals
and keep watching your favourite
show, Liza on Demand.
(gasps)
It's your favourite show?
Thank you!