Living Single (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 9 - Forgive Us Our Trespasses - full transcript

Come on, let's see this at 7:30.

‐ Then I want to see
this‐‐ ‐ 'So, ladies..'

Y'all..

Y'all picked the flick? Huh?

I'm with, I'm with anything
as long as it is not one of those

all men are dogs, burn his cot.

Denzel come and
save my life, chick flicks.

Like you didn't cry buckets

when Big Mama
died in "Soul Food."

Big Mama meant
everything to them girls.

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪



♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want
no free position ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Uh‐huh! So bunk my
3 o'clock to 1 o'clock

and then cancel
my lunch, alright?



Good. Okay.

Carol, you the woman. Alright.

Hey, people, what y'all
got planned for me tonight?

Uh, nothing. We're staying home.

Look, dinner and a movie.

Now you can come only

if you promise not to
talk back to the screen.

Last time, the
people can't hear you.

I just realized that
from 10:15 to 10:59

I'm meeting the Appellate
Judge online to review case law.

That is, if I can get him out
of a judge duty chat room.

I should be finished just in
time to be soaking in the tub

watching Cochrane
and Company by 11.

Look, let's skip the
movie, order takeout.

How about Thai? I got coupons.

Gee, you must be crazy.

You're not messing up
our night just because

of your hectic schedule.

I mean, what happened
to the Max that asked us

to move our refrigerator
next to the couch

so she wouldn't have to get up.

She woke up.

Kyle moving to London helped
me clean house emotionally

and streamline my life.

Now, at work, I'm a lean,
mean, plea bargain machine

setting records for
not tying up the courts

with those pesky trials.

So why go to trial
at all, then, huh?

Why not just flip a coin?

Heads you walk, tails you fry.

Khadijah, look

95 percent of the cases
don't even to go trial anyway.

Look, I'm just
going with the flow.

If I can keep up this
pace, by the time I'm 35

I'll be supreme court
justice, I'll be retired by 40

and be naked on the
beach in the Caribbean

by the time I'm 41.

Hey, Bannon,
how's life deep inside

the infested bowels of
the criminal wasteland.

Better now that you're
in the bowels with me.

Uh‐huh, not for long, pal.

All I've got is a shoplifter,
a trespasser and a spitter.

I can blow through
these losers in an hour

and make my 1 o'clock
braid‐tightening appointment.

Oh, good morning.

I am Maxine Shaw, your
court appointed attorney.

Lucky you.

Alright, Mr. Jackson.

Do you understand the
charges against you?

Yes, the hospital
thinks I was trespassing.

Yeah... they tend to think that
when somebody's harassing

patients after visiting hours
three fricking weeks in a row.

You know what, I like to call it

comforting people
in their time of need.

Right and a pickpocket just gets
rid of that bulge on your booty.

Okay, listen, here's the drill.

You plead guilty, we
get a reduced charge

with a minimum sentence
and fine and you'll be back

in the hospital, hittin' on
the sick and needy in no time.

I'm not interested
in a plea bargain.

I want to go to trial and
prove my innocence.

What planet are
you living on, man?

Look, I mean, they've
got videotape on you.

They've got four witnesses

and I've got a hair
appointment in less than an hour

so, come on, walk the walk.

But I haven't done
anything wrong.

I was just working
for my father.

Great, well..

Okay, if we can prove
that he put you up to this

we can probably get you off.

Who's your daddy?

The man upstairs.

Judge Cartwright?

A little higher.

The mayor? The governor?

President Clinton?

Higher.

Hillary?

All the way up.

So then that would make you..

I'm back.

Oh, I'm back..

Alright, I know, I know
what's going on here.

Bannon put you
up to this. Bannon!

Alright, the gloves are off.

Next time you show me
that picture of your fiance

I'm telling the
truth. She's a beast.

‐ Miss, Miss Shaw. ‐ Ohh!

Miss Shaw. Miss
Shaw, this is no joke.

I really am the son of God.

Yeah and I'm Joan of Arc.

Where were you when
they were burning me up?

That fire was a bear.

Why is it whenever I tell people
who I really am, they overreact?

I.. I'm not overreacting. I'm..

I'm totally on board.

So we're going to need
some character witnesses.

How many of the
apostles can you round up?

People..

Yoda.

Sorry, I'm late.

I got stuck in lock‐up
with some crazy brother

who thinks he's the son of God.

Oh, I met a man
on the subway once

who had a sock puppet,
he said it was Gandhi.

I didn't buy it though
but he had a brown sock

that sounded just
like Luther Vandross.

Woow, woo, woo! It's fake.

'Well, at least you could
ditch him at the next stop.'

I mean, this clown
wants me to try his case.

Like, go to trial,
in a courtroom.

Well, maybe he
means son of God, like

you know, we're
all children of God.

Well, uh, all of
us but the termite.

I mean, if you ask me,
they just the demon's spawn.

So, what's the charge?

Wearing sandals and
sack cloth after Labor Day?

Trespassing.

He was caught in
the county hospital

after visiting hours

whispering words
of encouragement

to the sick and dying.

That heathen!

Why don't y'all just lock him
up and throw away the key?

Max, come on now, now
you are talking about this guy

as if you know for sure,
I mean, who is to say

that he's not the real thing?

Yeah, I don't know, wait,
'cause, you know he did say

he was going to come
back one day, you know.

And, and carpenter's
son don't lie.

All I'm saying is, he didn't
look like the savior to me.

Wha‐wha‐wha, wait,
wha‐what, what because

he didn't have blonde hair

and blue eyes and
a Hollywood smile?

I, for one believe
Jesus was a brother.

Yes, yes.

Well, now the Bible
does describe him

as having what hair of wool
and‐and‐and feet of clay.

Hair of wool, feet
of clay, that's what.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

I don't know why feet of
clay would make me think

that he's a brother though.

O‐o‐okay, okay.

See, I‐I‐I worked this out.

Clay meaning like dirt and
dust, it means he was ashen

that's how you know
he was a brother.

Jesus was a brother.
Jesus was a brother. I know.

But he didn't say
anything about him wearing

the jail jumpsuit,
cheap sneakers

and the trace of Polo cologne.

Well, uh, I‐I‐if he is the Lord,
he should be wearing Eternity.

That is a good one.
That is a good one.

'You..'

You know what, Max, you
should let me interview this guy.

I mean, there might
be a story here.

Jesus is back and
New York's got him.

Please, no, no, no, no.

It's bad enough the
screwball has thrown off

my rocket sledge to retirement.

Now you want to write about it.

Why do I get all the nut cases?

Food for thought, Max.

Wouldn't it be ironic if
you get to the pearly gates

and there's your client
saying, "Told you so."

Wait a minute,
M‐Max... in heaven?

Oh, I don't think this one
she got to worry about.

‐ You stop that now.
‐ She ain't going there.

'You just stop that now!'

'Please, stop that
now. Stop that..'

Bannon, aren't
there any rules about

who gets in to see my client?

Hey, she was packing
a black forest cake

still warm from the oven.

Sorry, Max, you
know, but sometimes

the first amendment
needs a little nudge.

A little fudge too, hey, Bannon?

Hey, I did a little
background check on this guy.

Guess what he did before
he took up this Messiah gig?

Oh, I don't know.

Travel with the touring
company of Godspell?

He was a corporate raider

but the pressure got
to him and he cracked.

So now he goes around
the hospitals, churches

and soup kitchens,
inspiring people.

And stirring up the soup.

Save the intimate portrait
for my replacement.

I'll talk to my boss into
getting me off this case.

I'm just here to tell him
good luck and good riddance.

B‐b‐but I was going to put
you on the cover of my magazine.

With a halo over your head.

Hey, I guess I got to
just change that halo

to a couple of red horns.

Um, look, dude.

I don't know why
I came down here

to tell you this in person but
I just wanted to let you know

that they'll be assigning
you a new attorney.

I'm out.

Fine.

Good, because I..

Just like that?

You're just going
to let me walk?

No begging me to stay?

No, "My father's
not going to like this."

You coming off a really rough
time in your life, you know.

You put your heart out
there, you got stepped on.

I understand why you
wouldn't want to take any risk.

Wait, wait, how do..
How do you know that?

Khadija.

Khadija told you my
business, didn't she?

Well, here's a little something
you should know about her.

For two whole years,
she didn't go to church.

She slept in every Sunday

sometimes with somebody.

Khadija didn't tell me anything.

Insight, kinda comes
with the territory.

Uh, eh. Hey, do I make
you uncomfortable?

Uh, no. Of course not.

Don't flatter yourself.

Alright, you all that!

Perform a miracle.

Here, levitate this
desk. Bust out of here.

Make Bannon smell better.

Miss Shaw, I am not
David Copperfield.

Although I do enjoy his work.

Did you see him make
that 747 disappear?

How does he do that?

Like this. "Now you
see me, now you don't."

You really don't belong
in this case anyway.

You've become
too afraid of losing.

I'm not afraid of losing.

This case is un‐winnable.

Yeah, but that never
bothered you before.

Remember when
you were a little girl?

You know, no matter
how many dirty tricks

your brother played on you

you were so determined
to win at Monopoly‐‐.

Oh, yeah, he used to hide
money underneath the board

and short change me on rent

and he'd never let
me roll with both dice

and how did you know that?

Don't tell me.

Don't wanna know.

Good luck and goodbye.

Alright, I'm back on the case..

And I'm gonna figure
out a way to win.

You were looking for a miracle?

Ooh! There it is.

Cookies!

Hey, so how did the holy
man take you dumping him?

How you kicked off the
Church softball team?

No, I'm still on the case.

Oh, looked into
his eyes, didn't you?

Yes, Khadija, and I saw

the mysteries of
the universe in there.

Please? Come on.

The guy needed a lawyer
and I'm the best. Case closed.

So you really think you
could prove his innocence?

What's that got to
do with anything?

Look, trial law in the 90s is
not about arguing the case

based on it's merits, it's about

smoke and mirrors, baby.

It's about temporary
freaking insanity.

Your Honor, my, my
client didn't shoot anybody.

The 16 Twinkies he had for
breakfast pulled that trigger.

So what's next, you're going to
come up with some catchy phrase

for your defense like, uh..

"If he heals the sick,
you must acquit."

You know if that rhymed a
little bit better, I could use that.

Nah! Nope. I'm going
for hospital negligence.

I'm going to point the
finger at the accuser.

I'm going to the night
nurse on the stand

and reduce her to a
weeping mass of jelly.

God! I miss this.

Max, where is your heart?

What? My heart? Oh, please.

They make you get rid of that
the minute you pass the bar.

Miss Fitzgerald..

Do you recognize
the burnt out light bulb

I hold in my hand?

Uh, no.

Really?

It is the very bulb that
was supposed to be

illuminating the
visiting hour sign

next to your desk in the ICU.

Now, I ask again. Do
you recognize this bulb?

I‐I guess.

You‐you‐you‐you guess?

You guess?

Oh, I'm sure your
patients would be thrilled

to know that when called
to the task, you guess.

"Is that the right
dose of medicine?"

"I guess."

"Is that flat line on the
monitor a good sign?"

"I guess."

Why are you doing this to me?

I'm a good nurse.

I was nurse of the month, twice.

You were or you guess you were?

Oh!

Objection, Your Honor

she's badgering the witness.

Sustained.

Miss Shaw, in a span
of a few short hours

you've turned my court
room into bad dinner theater.

We're gonna take
a, a short recess

so you can reflect
on your career.

'Five minute recess. You may
step down, Miss Fitzgerald.'

Does anyone have a Valium?

The witness is
trembling and dizzy.

Shaw's on a roll.

That nurse was
tougher than I expected

but the candy striper,
she's going to crack

like a window pane.

Listen, Miss
Shaw, you're losing.

Well, what kind of
strategy do you suggest?

Turn a little water into wine
and get the judge drunk?

A wise man once said.

"The truth shall set you free."

Hey, that was me.

Look, I'm the lawyer here. I
know how to work the system.

Oh, yes. Smoke and
mirrors, baby. Right.

Oh, by the way, I'm
not a Twinkies man

but if it'll help, I've been
known to have nacho or two.

Quit telling him my stuff.

I didn't.

Creepy, huh?

What do you want from me, man?

Miss Shaw, I want you
to look inside yourself

and tell me who you are.

‐ Maxine Shaw.
‐ Attorney at law.

I know it rhymes really nice

but there's got to be
more to you than that.

What do you stand for?
What do you care about?

What drives you to get
out of bed in the morning?

Besides breakfast?

I don't know!

Finally..

We're getting to some truth.

Your Honor, four witnesses
and 20 minutes of videotape

confirms the defendant's
presence in intensive care

after visiting hours during
the weeks in question.

He's guilty of trespassing,
Your Honor. Prosecution rests.

'Thank you, Mr. Rose.'

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

I say that for your
benefit, Miss Shaw.

Anybody ever seen one
of these shermangies?

It's an electronic organizer.

Schedules your whole life
right down to the minute.

Meetings, court dates.

"American Gladiators"
face off of the century.

'And you know what?'

I'd be one lost puppy without it

because my whole
damn life is run by it.

Max, what the..

How will she live? Let's watch.

Miss Shaw, I would caution you

that the insanity plea

is meant for the
defendant, not counsel.

Oh, I‐I'm crazy, Your
Honor. I'm‐I'm certifiable.

I'm‐I'm‐I'm off the
freaking deep end.

I‐I call myself to the stand.

I swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the
truth, so help me God.

Everything in here is backwards.

It's the lawyers that
should be taking that oath.

Can you imagine what
kind of legal system we have

if the lawyers
would take that oath?

Miss Shaw, you're
bordering on contempt.

Oh, you know what
I find contemptible?

Nobody is
interested in the truth.

Everybody is just trying
to win at‐at any cost.

Larry, babe, congratulations
on putting away

that good Samaritan,
you remember the one

that was feeding everybody
else's parking meters?

Yeah, yeah, you know,
I‐I'm sure we're all sleeping

real easy at night knowing
that menace to society

is off the streets,
aren't we, folks?

Your Honor.

No, we'll let her have
a little bit more rope.

Thank you, Your Honor.

My client, Walter
Jackson is guilty.

Guilty, guilty, guilty
according to the law.

'He was found wandering'

after visiting
hours in a hospital.

But who did he really hurt?

These people were
patients in the ICU

when my client made his rounds.

Mr. Olsen had a
massive heart attack.

Thought he was going to die.

Walter kept him company
into the wee hours of the night.

Mrs. Hanley, she contracted
Salmonella poisoning.

She wanted to die.

Walter held her hair while
she puked into a bedpan.

And, uh, Mr. Taylor here,
he was in a coma, right?

'Yeah.'

Then he heard Walter's
voice telling him to come back

because he was
still needed here.

Well, here he is.

Coincidence? You tell me.

The truth is Walter
Jackson helped these people

and we wanna punish him

because he didn't
look at his watch?

Is that the kind of
system that works for you?

Because they sure as
hell don't work for me.

You tell them.
You tell them, Max.

Truth is in the house.

Whatever, let's see
how far it gets us.

Is it my turn now?

I'm ready to rule.

In the case of the
City of New York

versus Walter Jackson

I find the defendant
guilty as charged.

$1500 and 14 days in
jail. Court is adjourned.

So how do you feel?

Exhilarated, confused,
pissed, nauseous, constipated

just to damn lost.

Good. Then the
journey can begin.

Journey, what journey?

Would you stop
speaking in riddles.

You see that man there.

He's about to haul
your butt off to jail.

That's my pass.
I'll walk it proudly.

You're a strange man, Walter.

You're a good man,
but you're strange.

I just wish I could
have done more for you.

You still don't
understand, do you?

These last few days,
they weren't for me.

They were for you.

And Lord knows you needed it.