Living Single (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Best Laid Plans - full transcript

Oh.

Mmm, I'm sorry,
Khadijah, I gotta go.

I'm not Khadijah, but I
can give you a minute.

Who the hell are you?

A‐and what are you doing
with my Frutadella bubble bath?

♪ When I get that feelin' ♪

♪ I want sexual healing ♪

♪ Sexual oww ♪

Regine. I see
you've met Catherine.

I'll see you at breakfast.

What? Oh, no, you..



You are not about to kick me out

of my own bathroom,
so could you play frogman

with little Miss Thursday Night.

"Miss Thursday Night?"
Tripp, what is up with that?

B‐baby, that's just,
that's nothin', that no..

C‐come here.

Look, I'm not about to
let you mess up my flow.

Ey, you are not
flowin' in my bathroom.

With my bubble bath, my candles.

Is that my robe?

Uh, uh, you see,
Tripp, too much drama.

‐ 'Catherine, what‐‐' ‐ I'm out!

Catherine, I‐look, baby, look.

Where you running
out with my robe..



Come on, the kitchen is free.

I'll deal with you later.

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want
no free position ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

Make as much money as we
spend on these wedding photo

we look good in one of 'em.

God, I look drunk in this one.

Look at you, mama, your
eyes are shut in this one.

And, Lord, I don't know
what's going on in this one.

Kinda look like the flash
kinda binked off your head.

You know what I
mean, like a dome.

I know you guys aren't
still pouring over those

wedding proofs, when
a professional, moi

has already advised
you on your selections.

Well, advise this.

I'm not paying for any photos

where the wedding coordinator

looks better than the
bride and the groom, hear.

Okay, but you do
realize that's going to

severely limit your options.

Hmm.

‐ Hey. Oh! ‐ Oh, no.

Come on, hey, back
off. Open this door.

Hey! Alright.

Good news, good news, Khadijah.

My favorite law school
professor is in town

for a lecture series.

You remember him?
Clayton Simmons?

No.

I mean, no‐uh, no, not really.

I can't says I do.

Come on, I mean,
you had lunch when

that time you came to visit.

Um, h‐h‐he was, uh,
intelligent, sophisticated, sexy?

‐ My mentor. ‐ Ahh.

You know, that's so wonderful
to be in touch with the teachers

that stoked the flames
of knowledge, oh.

He stoked more than that, girl.

Yeah, but I never
acted on it, you know.

He was a professor and I
was just a little law student.

But now we're equals
and I'm going for it.

‐ Game freaking on.
‐ Game freaking on!

‐ Whoo! Alright. ‐ Whoo!

Going for it? Going for what?

Khadijah, goin'
for the professor.

Stay with us.

Alright, so what you gonna do?

Jump him behind the podium?

Would you get your
mind out of the gutter?

Please, I'm past
needing a man in my bed.

I need a man in my head.

Someone who can challenge
my mind as well as feed my soul.

Hello, why you
think I'm with Obie?

Yes.

Alright.

So, I'm off to a
stimulating lecture

on the tax credit incentive.

I'm feeling hot already.

I slept with Clayton.

I knew it!

Start from the top. Don't
miss any details, go.

Okay, look.

After we had lunch that
day, Max had to study.

So I checked out the campus.

I ran into Clayton and
the next thing I knew

we were signing a hotel
register, Mr. And Mrs. Horowitz.

‐ Mm. ‐ Well, Smith
seemed too easy.

You have got to tell her or
else this thing's gonna eat at you

and me, for the
rest of our lives.

I'm takin' this
one to the grave.

I mean, if I tell her now

she's never gonna
trust me again.

Oh, oh, sure she would.

Sure she would.

You were young
and impressionable

and a worldly older
man seduced you right?

‐ Well‐‐ ‐ Oh, my God!

You were on him,
like a, like‐like

salt on a margarita glass?

That man wore tweed
like nobody's business.

Wha‐what are you doing?

This living room
is a common area

not your personal counter
at the funk and fold.

Well, the bathroom is a common
area too but there are at least

three bras drip
drying in the shower.

Those bras moved in
here long before you did.

And for as much
room as they take up

they need to be payin' rent.

I shall take that
as the compliment

I know it was meant to be.

Now, here is the dry‐cleaning
receipt for my bathrobe

and you still owe me
from my bubble bath.

W‐w‐w‐wait a minute. Yo‐you..

You ruined my date
and I foot the bill?

Nah, I don't think so.
Tripp don't play that.

Let me teach you a little
something about respect, Ira.

When you have roommates

you don't leave
your funky drawers..

Laying all over the living room.

And you don't entertain
in the bathroom.

When I have a gentleman caller

I at least take them
up to my bedroom.

Yeah, kickin' and screamin'.

Oh, looks like
someone was just licked

by the flames of knowledge.

The years have aged
Clayton like a fine cabernet.

And I think it's
time to pop the cork.

Oh, oh, oh, okay now.
Pop that cork, now.

What do you think
of that, Khadijah?

Do you think she
should... pop it?

Well, too bad he
doesn't live in town.

He's probably on that New York
to Philly express as we speak.

He would have been
but I invited him to stay

through the weekend to
my monthly law chat slash

cocktail party that
begins this month.

Hey, now.

Man‐trap party at Max's.

Nah, not this time.
My place is a mess.

I'm having this
party right here.

You can't have the party here.

Why not?

'Cause, uh, 'cause we
have a new roommate.

Have to be sensitive to him.

He's not comfortable chatting.

By law.

I know what this is about.

You afraid of losing me.

Oh, yeah, Khadijah, Khadijah,
come here, girl, come here.

You were always, you will
always be my girl. Alright?

Alright now, maybe next
weekend, you, me and Clayton

can get together for lunch.

Just the three of us.

I'd like to suggest a
different dessert this time.

Do you know what used to
be at the other end of this rope?

Hmm, judging by
the smell of things

I'm guessing a dead horse?

My soap on a rope.

But Miss Regine throws it
away because she said it was

both retro and
disturbingly phallic.

Then she give
me this list of, uh

four soaps that would meet
the diva cell of approval.

Go with Spring Garden, it seems
to have a calming effect on her.

Listen, Tripp, listen to me.

You are the new roommate.

She is just playfully
hazing you like she did me.

It'll be fine.

‐ Do you really
believe that? ‐ No, no.

Watch your back,
man, watch your back.

I don't see why you
trippin' on some soap, man.

She threw your
woman out butt naked.

Nah, I was planning on
breakin' up with her anyway.

But my soap is sacred.

I mean, it‐it defines who I am.

Strong, creative, determined.

With a hint of lime.

What do I do about Regine?

Well, you can't trap a badger

by slapping a
bunch of neck bones

out in the middle of the yard.

See, you gotta hide
'em behind a rock.

Preferably one with some
peat moss, but that's just me.

Next thing you know,
badger stew for everybody.

Yeah.

Max is buggin'. She
acts like I don't have a life.

I mean, I can't drop everything

and help her with
her damn party.

Hey, it's fine, alright.

I don't mind doing all of
the work for her dear friend

Maxine Shaw.

So..

Terrified?

Hell, yeah.

What if Clayton and
I make eye contact

and the magic is still there?

She‐booyi! I'm busted.

Hey, Khadijah.

I've typed up the un‐rehearsed
and un‐solicited compliments.

What?

I'm leaving nothing
to chance tonight.

Every word, every
nuance, every freaking detail

has been carefully choreographed
toward one glorious goal.

To convince Clayton that
Maxine Shaw is the answer

to all of his
dreams and desires.

Okay. Well, alright,
we're having a little play.

Very good, I'd like to
discuss with you my back story

my character, what's my
motivation, how do I move‐‐.

To get that line right
without screwing up.

‐ Now come on. ‐ Alright.

"Maxine is a
generous contributor.."

"To a variety of charities."

What? Max, dropping off
a bag of your sweaty bra's

at Goodwill doesn't count.

According to Uncle Sam it does.

No placard, no party.

Alright, Khadijah, your
turn, let's go, sell it, baby.

‐ Max, I can't do this. ‐ What?

You want Synclaire's line?

‐ Here. ‐ No.

No.

I need to get some sleep.

But, uh, it's 7 o'clock!

But I'm tired.

No, you're not. Khadijah,
why are you acting like this?

Alright, fine!

You wanna hear it?

Fine.

This is about me and Clayton
and that day we had lunch.

‐ Okay. ‐ Break it down.

Well, that day, after lunch..

I..

I..

I..

I noticed I had toilet
paper under my shoe

and I think he saw it too.

Oh, come on, wait a minute.

You've had more
embarrassing moments than that.

Like, that time when you slipped

on the horse
patty at the parade.

Now, come on, let's go.

This lying, it's a
sickness with you.

‐ I tried. ‐ I know.

Come here, come here. Come here.

What's up, girl? Let's party.

Whoo! Heh! Whoo! Hey.

Oh, ew, what,
what is that smell?

You know that might be me.

You know, I did play some
ball and you know, I'd be like

ya, ya, ya, ya, boo ya!

And then, just
for the hell of it

I played a little Frisbee.

‐ And then I.. ‐ Whoa!

And I landed in
the dumpster twice.

And I had to dig de‐e‐ep for it.

You know, Overton and Synclaire
must've had catfish last night.

You think?

Ugh!

Alright, now look, Tripp.

Guests are starting to arrive

so you might want to
get with that shower.

I can't. No soap.

Oh, I see.

So, uh, you stank on purpose.

Okay, well you just go
ahead on and be funky, hear.

See if I care.

Oh, but you will.

Alright, he's here, he's here.

That's Clayton, that's Clayton.

Shh! Be cool.

Be cool.

Oh, why, hello,
Professor Simmons.

Oh, Clayton.

Welcome. Welcome to my law chat.

Thank you, Maxine, I'm
here and ready to chat.

Oh.

Okay, alright.

I'd like to introduce you

to some of my
intriguing friends.

Overton.

Um, oh, my!

Out of pressure to say
something intriguing..

Um, might have to
get back to you, okay.

‐ That‐that's, Synclaire.
‐ Hello, professor.

Maxine, regularly donates her
sweat and bras to charity, no.

She regularly
donates her sportin..

I forgot what I was
supposed to say, I'm sorry.

And you remember,
Khadijah. Uh, get over here, girl.

I'm sorry, I don't recall
meeting you but, uh

it's nice to see you again.

Oh, good to see you too.

‐ Alright. ‐ Oh, great.

Okay, so, I might
as well introduce to

a few of the lawyers
I beat in court.

Oh, so many to choose from.

Okay.

He doesn't even
remember me. I was trippin'.

He has totally
forgotten you, girl.

Like that sex thing
never happened.

Poof! It's gone,
great. Phew! Whew.

Hey, hold up.

He doesn't remember my goodies?

Oh, no, hells no,
that is not acceptable.

Oh, he will remember me.

So, is this how you interpreted
my insightful parable?

By coming in here and
stinkin' up the whole party?

I don't know man, it's, it's
all good, it's‐it's working

I mean, you're brilliant.

No, I was trying to
help you bag one badger

not destroy a whole ecosystem.

By the by, did I mention
that I have one of the

top acquittal rates in the
public defenders office.

Oh, yes, my career
is blossoming.

And so am I.

I can see that.

Can you, now?

Absolutely. You're
quite a lawyer.

‐ Oh. ‐ But I'm not surprised.

You took down the
whole administration

in that mock trial.

You were good that day.

And I wasn't?

Gentleman, uh,
shrimp tempura? Huh?

Yes and don't forget to try
some of my fabulous dipping‐‐.

Oh, Regine, let me
help you with that there.

I mean, she works
so hard. Alright, yeah.

Would you stop it?

You are ruining business

and you're starting
to sprout fungus!

Starting? I've got a
mushroom growin' in my armpit.

Alright, look, I will replace
your damn soap on a rope

but you will pay me back for my
bubble bath and my dry‐cleaning.

‐ It's a deal. ‐ Fine.

Here you go. Whoo!
I'm glad that's over.

I was starting to feel myself.

These are some great
courtroom action shots of you, Max.

Thank you.

Swaying the jury.

Oh.

Showing passion
for your defendant.

Wearing a string
bikini on some beach.

Oh! Ooh!

Uh, now how did
that get in there?

How embarrassing,
oh, look, look.

Oh, oh, excuse me, one
moment, Clayton, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, isn't he beautiful?

Alright. You guys keep
pumping me up to him.

I gotta run across the
street to get that picture of me

and my cousin's bratty
little kid, you know

work the motherhood
angle, alright, alright.

Excuse me, Professor Clayton.

Can I speak to
you in the kitchen

about a little legal matter?

A wise man once said, "There
are no little legal matters."

Just little settlements."

Excuse me, I, um,
here's a little known fact.

The stop light was invented
by Garret A. Morgan.

A black man.

It's intriguing.

That's me.

How could you forget
the Ritz Carlton?

It was the Four Seasons.

And I'll never
forget, Mrs. Horowitz.

Okay. So, why did you
play dumb out there?

Because I didn't
know if you told Max.

And I didn't want
to be the first.

‐ Was I wrong? ‐ No.

'I sure as hell couldn't
tell her I had a fling'

'with her college professor.'

"Fling?" Ow, you and you?

I was only gone three minutes.

Oh, Max, hi.

I can't believe you
slept with my mentor.

Former mentor.

No, look, listen

we didn't want to distract
you from your finals.

I mean, who knows, if
we hadn't kept it from you

you might not be a lawyer today.

So, I owe my career
to two sneakin' freaks?

It was only one time.

Yeah, maybe two, three.

Or four, five?

Hours. Times.

Insignificant, nothing really.

Excuse you?

I know what you're doing.

You're playing down your
tawdry little affair with Khadijah.

So that you can advantage
of me. Oh‐ho‐ho.

‐ Maxine.. ‐ 'Mm‐hmm.'

I'm not trying to take
advantage of you.

In fact, I could never date you.

Oh, so..

Khadijah's okay,
but I'm just squat.

No, no, you're a beautiful,
intelligent, amazing woman.

But you were my student.
I don't date my students.

Former or otherwise.

But I‐I‐re, I really didn't
learn much in your classes.

Come on, you
were one of my best.

And I take pride in thinking
that I may have something

to do with the type of
lawyer you've become.

You're just trying to get
back on my good side.

It could work.

I hope we can still be friends.

Yeah, pff.

But, uh..

Right now, I think you
and Khadijah should talk.

It was good seeing you both.

I wouldn't want to do it every
weekend but... take care.

'Freeze, Judas.'

Oh, Max, look‐‐

I can't believe you
didn't tell me this.

But then again, you knew that
my college roommate was a lesbian

and you didn't
tell me that either.

Then the guy I chased my entire
sophomore year was Republican.

‐ Jay's a Republican? My
God‐‐ ‐ Don't change the subject!

Why, why, why

do you keep such
huge secrets from me?

Because you react like this.

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't tell
you, Max, but I felt stupid.

You know, one night
stands are not my style.

What about Rick from Vegas?

Now, see, that's another
reason why I tell you nothing.

'Cause you're always
throwing it back up my face.

Okay, now look..

If I would have known
you had a thing for Clayton

I would never have
hooked up with him.

Well, you obviously
did, why wouldn't I?

He still got it, doesn't he?

Hello!

Oh, argh, God.

‐ So.. ‐ Huh!

You still my girl?

Yeah, I would never let
some man ruin our friendship.

Unless, I was pushing
40 and desperate.

‐ One more question. ‐ Hmm?

How was the professor?

‐ Not that great. ‐ Oh, good.

The first and second time.

The third time he
was pretty good.

Fourth time he
really got a rhythm..

Oh, I hate you!

Whoo‐hooo.