Living Single (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 3 - High Anxiety - full transcript
‐ Yeah. Here we are. ‐ Yay.
Crossing the threshold
into the humble abode
of Overton and Synclaire
Jones, the early years.
‐ Mmm. ‐ Mmm.
Man, come on. Can you
not do this every time?
I'm luggin' 40
pounds of trolls here.
Alright, alright. Ease up, now.
We're newlyweds.
Facin' our brave,
new world together.
Oh, stop the drama. You're
down one flight of stairs.
'Ah.'
‐ 'Hey!' ‐ Ooh.
You might wanna
wipe off his leg, uh..
A dog got a little
friendly out in the alley.
Oh, Trip, thank you
so much for pitching in.
I take back all the nasty
things I said about you
moving into my old room
and stealing all of my friends.
My goodness.
Oh, oh. I said that
behind your back, didn't I?
Sorry.
Oh God, this
place is depressing.
Whoo, you sure the
old bag who lived here
died of a heart attack?
Maybe she just killed
herself. Ooh! Yuck.
Hey, don't crack
on Miss Porchnick.
Kinda hard keepin'
the house cheery
when you're hooked
up to a iron lung.
So this is how
Regine sees the world.
Those are called feet, Max.
Oh, you know, those
things that Kyle used
to walk out of your life.
Oh. Oh, and those
feet are just nasty.
Eh, one word, sister! Pedicure!
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪
♪ No free position ♪
♪ Ha‐aa ♪
‐ Khadijah, check it out. ‐ Huh?
The Phoenix Suns are in town.
Now, what do you say,
we go down and hang
with your buddy, Cedric Ceballos
and his long‐legged friends?
‐ Oh, wow. Suns in town? ‐ Yes.
Uh, Max, Kyle's gone a few weeks
and already you are
trampin' around locker rooms?
Have you no shame?
I'll answer that.
Not a damn bit.
Maxine Shaw does
not pine over the past.
But if I can help
you satisfy your thing
for Ced the teddy bear..
Then everybody's the winner.
What thing? I
don't have no thing.
He is just a friend.
A friend you flirt with every
time you interview him.
I do not flirt with him.
I just use my people
skills to get him to open up.
Okay, it doesn't hurt that I
carry a little tape recorder
in my cleave, you see..
‐ Khadijah! ‐ What?
God did not bless
you with boobage..
So that you could
carry office supplies.
Girl, you better use
them things to get a date.
Well, he is kind of sexy.
I guess, I could, uh, approach
him about a follow‐up interview.
Uh, no. No, you
will not, alright?
That's the old Khadijah.
Now, the new Khadijah
needs to put down the
notepad and ask the brother out.
The new Khadijah
needs to get some
and tell us all
the dirty details.
The new Khadijah sound
like a big‐mouthed hooker.
'Now, come on,
Khadijah, hurry up.'
Gotta get in there before
they wash the sweat off.
‐ Press. ‐ Alright.
‐ Press. ‐ Alright.
‐ Excuse me. ‐ Yes. Yes, sir.
This looks like a
video rental card.
Excuse me, this is
my writing partner.
And I'm not goin' in
that room without her.
The exit is to the left.
See you later, Max.
Oh, w‐w‐wait, oh..
'Oh, I knew we had the game won'
when I saw Spike Lee courtside
crying in his popcorn.
So you're happy with
the win even though
you didn't score a
single free throw all night?
Oh, you'll have to excuse
me. My coach just arrived.
Hiya, girl. How you doin'?
You here for some interviews
or just peep out a little flesh?
Um, little bit of both.
Hmm, well, I'm
available for a little
one‐on‐one tomorrow night.
Alright, well, how about dinner?
Khadijah James, did
you just ask me out?
Depends. You sayin' yes?
Umm, yeah, if you're askin'.
Alright.
And just make
sure you wear that.
Okay.
Now you still have that
little crazy roommate?
The one who had me sign
that Styrofoam wig‐head.
‐ Oh. ‐ 'What was her name?
‐ Max. ‐ That's Regine.
Max is the sweet one.
Oh, hello. Oh,
okay, wait a minute.
Hey, partner.
'Ow!'
Well, if you don't like it,
cowboy, snap me back.
Oh, hello. I'm looking
for Mary Porchnick.
She does live here, doesn't she?
Lives?
Uh, uh, uh..
Well, well‐well, my
name is Mr‐Mr. McLay.
I'm a, I'm a friend of hers.
‐ Is she up and
about? ‐ Well, uh..
Uh, uh, well,
she‐she‐she's‐she's moved on.
M‐moving, moving, m‐moving on.
Uh, wh‐wh‐where to?
A better place.
Oh, fiddlesticks. I'm‐I'm only
in town for a couple of days.
And I‐I‐I'm
desperate to see her.
Uh, will she, will
she be around later?
In one form or another.
Oh, tha‐thank you.
Uh, I‐I'll be back.
And, uh, don't tell her.
The old bird just
loves surprises.
And she got a pretty
good one last month.
Oh, yeah. Oh, buh‐bye.
Uh, who was that, babe?
Obie, it was this sweet old man.
He was, he was looking
for Mary Porchnick.
‐ Oh. ‐ Oh..
A‐a‐and I think I gave him
the impression that she was
living and breathing
and would be here later.
Oh. Oh, my.
Well, uh, don't fret, baby.
Uh, when he comes back,
I'll break the news to him.
See, look here, girl.
We're a team now.
And if one of us
fumbles the ball
the other one picks it
up, runs it to the end zone
and does the victory dance in
front of the whole dog pound.
Hm.
You still miss the
Browns, don't you?
Like a toddler
misses the nipple.
Okay!
Cinderella's ready for the ball.
Cinderella's havin'
second thoughts
about these nose
bleed stilettos.
Nose bleeds go away.
Loneliness is forever.
He's not even gonna
see my feet anyway.
He's gonna be too
busy lookin' at this
sweat moustache
over my upper lip.
Just keep dabbin' it with
the bread. You'll be fine.
What is wrong with me?
Oh, Khadijah,
you look beautiful.
Why are you so nervous?
I'll tell you why.
Old girl is out of practice.
Hasn't had a serious
date in months.
Regine, you been
tellin' my business?
Khadijah, men have a sixth
sense about this sort of thing.
I mean, we can
feel the desperation.
And I gotta tell you,
it's a real turn off.
‐ What? ‐ Alright, that's it.
I'm not goin'.
Let's get somethin'
straight, Ira.
You are a man living
with women. Okay?
There'll be moments when
you really don't belong.
This is two of those
moments put together.
Oh, I‐I understand.
You know, I‐I grew up
with, uh, three sisters.
I mean, you know, so let me
go on and get up out of here
before one of y'all start
chasin' me with a hot comb.
Look, when Cedric gets
here, why don't you just tell him
that I slipped in the tub
and I broke my ankle.
It's just a date.
It does not have to
end with a picket fence
and a freakin' dog in
your backyard, alright?
Come on.
For once in your
life, loosen up.
Relax. Have some fun.
Well, my head hurts
and I gotta vomit.
Alright, I'll get
you some aspirin
and a bucket, you big sissy.
Come on, honey,
now you sit down.
It's okay. You sit down.
Now, look.
If anybody should
be nervous, it's him.
You are Khadijah James.
You are different than any
other woman he's ever dated.
That's true.
I'm not 19, I'm not a
model and I'm not famous.
Oh, Khadijah. Listen.
Just let nature take its course.
Look at me and
Obie, it worked for us.
It took over a year and a
half just to get up the nerve
to ask you to the flea market.
Good point, stick your
tongue in his throat
the minute you see him, girl.
Alright, how many do you want?
Two will be fine.
Okay, give me two more.
Give me four. Come
on, hurry now. Hurry up.
Mr. Ceballos.
Well, hello.
I'm Synclaire. Remember me?
Why don't you just
come right on in?
Oh, look at me. I
can't invite you in.
I don't live here anymore.
But uninviting you
in would be rude.
Pretend I was never here. Okay.
‐ I'm sorry. Forgive
me. ‐ That's alright.
I kinda expect that
from your friends.
Oh, so then you must
remember Max and Regine.
We're getting late,
Antonio's not gonna hold
those reservations, come on.
Hey, umm, wh‐wh‐what
are you doin' with that bottle?
Well, I was going
to get the aspirin
but this one said "For
Regine's professional use only"
so I figured that this
was the good stuff..
That you were
holdin' out for yourself.
Max, I keep my herbal
tranquilizers in that bottle.
Tranquillizers.
I offer them to my brides.
Half if they're nervous
and a whole one if
their husbands are ugly.
I just gave Khadijah
four ugly husbands' worth.
Ow, girl, why didn't
you just knock the girl
on the head with a baseball bat?
We better get to
that restaurant.
Where you goin'?
Oh, you don't expect
me to go to Antonio's
wearin' these rags, do you?
I can't believe I'm
sittin' across the table
from Khadijah James and she's
not scribblin' on her notepad.
Well, how do you
know I'm not hidin'
a tape recorder somewhere?
I see somebody tryin'
to get their flirt on.
Well. Hey.
You know, all work and
no play makes Khadijah..
Wow!
Did somebody dim
the lights in here?
Hmm, I don't think
so. Are you alright?
Mm, maybe I just need some food.
How about a toast?
To Ced, and of course to..
Umm..
Hey, that's funny I can't
remember my name.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Good
evening, name please.
Oops.
Thank you.
Yes, we are joining
the Kitsan party.
Kitsan, Kitsan.
Right this way.
Alright. Smooth move, you've
done this before, haven't you?
Oh, Chuck E. Cheese.
Private party. I was six.
Your table, ladies.
Oh. This is great.
Girl, where the hell did
you pick that up from?
Baby Hannah's private
party. I was twelve.
My doctor said my left foot
is bigger than my right foot.
Right? See? Now feet big.
Why are my shoes the same size?
You see what I'm sayin'?
Your purse.
Oh, man, listen..
Hello, I'm at dinner.
'Khadijah, it's Max.'
Get your butt in the coat
room. We've gotta talk to you.
Okay.
Okay, look, I gotta
go talk to the coat.
Ced, will you just
watch my shoes, okay?
Hello, lady, your
hair look nice like that.
Now, you know that's nasty. I
could tell by the way you eat.
You're hardly eating.
Okay.
‐ Oh, Khadijah. ‐ Oh, my God.
Wait, no, hold up.
Now, they could've got y'all
a better table than this.
Alright, Khadijah,
Khadijah, Khadijah.
Listen, I have to
tell you something
and I want to
preface this by saying.
Regine didn't mean to hurt you.
‐ Khadijah, Max
drugged you. ‐ No‐‐
‐ She.. Shut up. ‐ Okay.
She gave you tranquillizers.
Okay, you shut
your hole, midget.
I mean, it was an
accident. It was an accident.
You know tranquillizers,
Aspirins. To‐ma‐to, to‐mah‐to.
No, y'all is trippin'.
Oh.
You think I don't
know. I know what's up.
I know!
Y'all just tryin' to be jealous.
See, 'cause I'm gettin'
the man of your dreams.
Okay, honey,
honey, if we were lyin'
why is your size
12 on the table?
Now, see, I'm goin'
back over to my table.
Because my man is missin' me.
M‐m‐my m‐m‐man m‐m‐missin' m‐me.
That's a lot of M's in that.
‐ I like M's. M's.. ‐
O‐o‐okay, hold on.
We should be goin' home.
Back off y'all.
Back off, back off.
Get off of me.
Hey, y'all just stay
the hell away from me.
Imma call security.
Security.
Okay. Well, so much
for your brilliant plan.
I am going over there and I'm
telling Cedric what's goin' on.
Pardon me, Mr. Ceballos did not
come to world famous Antonio's
to be harassed by
common groupies.
Groupies, uh, th‐there's
that word again.
I got your.. Wa‐wa‐wait.
‐ You don't wanna.. ‐
Oh, wait! Wait a minute.
‐ You don't wanna do this.
‐ Unhand me, you brute!
I really like that.
Well, I was cold.
Oh, wingtips. Mr. McLay.
Alright, look, bad news
is best delivered straight.
Just like whiskey.
Well, what if Mrs. Porchnick
was his one true love
and he's travelled
here to find her?
What if "no
mountains high enough
"no valleys low enough
no rivers wide enough" to
keep him away from her, yeah?
What if he touched her
in the morning, I mean..
'What's goin' on here?'
No more Miss Ross
before bedtime. Okay?
Hi, Mr. McLay.
My husband, Overton, has
something to tell you. Come.
Oh, don't tell me
Mary's not here again.
That woman's a,
a whirling dervish.
When I got back
from World War II
it was months
before I found her.
Oh, oh, so you were
in the big one, huh?
‐ Yes. ‐ Yeah.
I‐I bet you learned
to look death
right in the eye
and laugh at it.
‐ Ha! ‐ Never.
Each loss is much
more painful than the last.
Umm, well, Mrs. Porchnick'll
be back in the mornin'. Eh‐eh..
Oh, my God, that‐that woman's
harder to trace
down than a ghost.
N‐n‐now you're gettin' it.
Overton, if I fumble
and you fumble
who picks up the ball?
I guess we're gonna have
to have some kids, baby.
We need a few more
players on this squad.
My nana used to grate
cheese just like that.
Oh, nana.
Oh, I'm sorry.
When did she pass?
She's not dead, she in Jersey.
Hey, what's wrong?
I kill your buzz?
Well, come on.
Come on. Let's
dance, Ced‐a‐doodle.
They don't got no
dance floor here.
Oh, please. Come on, now.
Excuse me, harp lady.
How about a little Wu Tang?
How about a little Bach?
Okay, kick it.
Khadijah, I think it's
time to take you home.
Take me home?
Oh‐oh‐oh, somebody got
a little crush on me, huh.
Somebody need to sober up.
Oh, please.
Big guy like you.. Holdin'
your liquor just fine.
Okay, alright, I got it.
What if I dress up
like Mrs. Porchnick?
Then Mr. McLay will think that
the woman he
loves is still alive.
Now, was her hump on
the left or on the right?
Look, baby, we can't
run from this forever.
I mean, let's just face the man
like two mature adults, okay?
‐ That's him. Hide. ‐ Hide.
'I know you're in there.'
'Stop sneakin' that freak
and come open the door.'
‐ It's Maxine. ‐ Yeah, thanks.
Khadijah's got a hangover
and I gotta get some stuff
to help her out, you know.
Wait a minute, now.
How's all that food gonna
help Khadijah's hangover?
I'm much less
abrasive when I'm full.
How many people live here?
Uh, where can I
find Mary Porchnick?
Got a shovel?
That old prune
croaked weeks ago.
Alright, y'all.
Thanks for the beef.
'Alright.'
Mary's dead?
Sorry, Mr. McLay. We just
didn't know how to tell you.
Woo‐woo‐woo.
Mary's gone on to a fine
resting place at Pristine Hills.
Her memory will live on forever.
Oh, to Hades with her memory.
That cheap old bag
owes me 500 bucks.
‐ What? ‐ Yeah.
She, she stiffed me
a‐at a poker game ten years ago.
I‐I'm half a mind to kill myself
and get her on the other side.
Last night was the most
humiliatin' night of my life.
Do you think he'll call?
Yeah, sure, girl. I
don't see why not.
What world are y'all livin' in?
I mean, that brother
is never callin' again.
I mean, I wouldn't be
surprised if he hasn't changed
his phone number already.
You are a first‐class
pain in the butt.
I mean, ha‐ha‐have you
ever heard of a little thing
called sparing
someone's feelings?
But, uh, I‐I just did.
I mean, I could've mentioned
how he's probably on the phone
right now callin' up all his
NBA buddies and tellin' 'em
how Khadijah James
do up on the maitre d'.
Well, fine. The truth
is leavin' the room.
Oh, forget Mars.
That one is from Pluto.
Well, at least he's
being straight with me.
If this is what happens
when I put myself out there..
I drink so much, I don't
even remember doin' it.
Well, no more.
Hey, cut yourself a break, girl.
You didn't drink anything.
It was those tranquillizers
that did you in.
What tranquillizers?
You're right, girl.
You were pretty drunk.
Oh, hold up, hold up.
It's all comin' back to me now.
That was your face
under the raccoon coat.
Y'all drugged me.
Is that really relevant?
The important thing is..
Is that you're back
in the dating game.
Okay?
Oh, I'm gettin' into it,
just without your help.
Because for a few
minutes last night
before the headache
and the sweating
and the sudden coma,
I was really into it.
I mean, that boy was cute.
Khadijah, is there anything
anything Max can do
to make this up to you?
Yeah.
You can call Cedric
and explain everything.
Maybe at least I can
get my dignity back.
And maybe another date.
'That's a big, fat maybe!'
Okay, we gotta teach
that brother how to lie.
Now, hold on.
Just take it easy
on Mrs. Porchnick.
It's not easy to keep a house
cheery when you luggin' around
a oxygen tank.
Come on, lighten
up on Mrs. Porchnick.
It's not easy to
keep a house cheery
when the Grim Reaper's
at your doorstep.
Come on now, don't‐don't
crack on Mrs. Porchnick.
It's not easy to
keep a house cheery
when you're fallin'
and you can't get up.
Hey, don't crack
on Mrs. Porchnick.
Kinda hard keepin'
the house cheery
when you hooked
up to a iron lung.
Y'all‐y'all got to
give me some love.
Hey, I got the bat.
Woo‐hoo!
Crossing the threshold
into the humble abode
of Overton and Synclaire
Jones, the early years.
‐ Mmm. ‐ Mmm.
Man, come on. Can you
not do this every time?
I'm luggin' 40
pounds of trolls here.
Alright, alright. Ease up, now.
We're newlyweds.
Facin' our brave,
new world together.
Oh, stop the drama. You're
down one flight of stairs.
'Ah.'
‐ 'Hey!' ‐ Ooh.
You might wanna
wipe off his leg, uh..
A dog got a little
friendly out in the alley.
Oh, Trip, thank you
so much for pitching in.
I take back all the nasty
things I said about you
moving into my old room
and stealing all of my friends.
My goodness.
Oh, oh. I said that
behind your back, didn't I?
Sorry.
Oh God, this
place is depressing.
Whoo, you sure the
old bag who lived here
died of a heart attack?
Maybe she just killed
herself. Ooh! Yuck.
Hey, don't crack
on Miss Porchnick.
Kinda hard keepin'
the house cheery
when you're hooked
up to a iron lung.
So this is how
Regine sees the world.
Those are called feet, Max.
Oh, you know, those
things that Kyle used
to walk out of your life.
Oh. Oh, and those
feet are just nasty.
Eh, one word, sister! Pedicure!
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪
♪ No free position ♪
♪ Ha‐aa ♪
‐ Khadijah, check it out. ‐ Huh?
The Phoenix Suns are in town.
Now, what do you say,
we go down and hang
with your buddy, Cedric Ceballos
and his long‐legged friends?
‐ Oh, wow. Suns in town? ‐ Yes.
Uh, Max, Kyle's gone a few weeks
and already you are
trampin' around locker rooms?
Have you no shame?
I'll answer that.
Not a damn bit.
Maxine Shaw does
not pine over the past.
But if I can help
you satisfy your thing
for Ced the teddy bear..
Then everybody's the winner.
What thing? I
don't have no thing.
He is just a friend.
A friend you flirt with every
time you interview him.
I do not flirt with him.
I just use my people
skills to get him to open up.
Okay, it doesn't hurt that I
carry a little tape recorder
in my cleave, you see..
‐ Khadijah! ‐ What?
God did not bless
you with boobage..
So that you could
carry office supplies.
Girl, you better use
them things to get a date.
Well, he is kind of sexy.
I guess, I could, uh, approach
him about a follow‐up interview.
Uh, no. No, you
will not, alright?
That's the old Khadijah.
Now, the new Khadijah
needs to put down the
notepad and ask the brother out.
The new Khadijah
needs to get some
and tell us all
the dirty details.
The new Khadijah sound
like a big‐mouthed hooker.
'Now, come on,
Khadijah, hurry up.'
Gotta get in there before
they wash the sweat off.
‐ Press. ‐ Alright.
‐ Press. ‐ Alright.
‐ Excuse me. ‐ Yes. Yes, sir.
This looks like a
video rental card.
Excuse me, this is
my writing partner.
And I'm not goin' in
that room without her.
The exit is to the left.
See you later, Max.
Oh, w‐w‐wait, oh..
'Oh, I knew we had the game won'
when I saw Spike Lee courtside
crying in his popcorn.
So you're happy with
the win even though
you didn't score a
single free throw all night?
Oh, you'll have to excuse
me. My coach just arrived.
Hiya, girl. How you doin'?
You here for some interviews
or just peep out a little flesh?
Um, little bit of both.
Hmm, well, I'm
available for a little
one‐on‐one tomorrow night.
Alright, well, how about dinner?
Khadijah James, did
you just ask me out?
Depends. You sayin' yes?
Umm, yeah, if you're askin'.
Alright.
And just make
sure you wear that.
Okay.
Now you still have that
little crazy roommate?
The one who had me sign
that Styrofoam wig‐head.
‐ Oh. ‐ 'What was her name?
‐ Max. ‐ That's Regine.
Max is the sweet one.
Oh, hello. Oh,
okay, wait a minute.
Hey, partner.
'Ow!'
Well, if you don't like it,
cowboy, snap me back.
Oh, hello. I'm looking
for Mary Porchnick.
She does live here, doesn't she?
Lives?
Uh, uh, uh..
Well, well‐well, my
name is Mr‐Mr. McLay.
I'm a, I'm a friend of hers.
‐ Is she up and
about? ‐ Well, uh..
Uh, uh, well,
she‐she‐she's‐she's moved on.
M‐moving, moving, m‐moving on.
Uh, wh‐wh‐where to?
A better place.
Oh, fiddlesticks. I'm‐I'm only
in town for a couple of days.
And I‐I‐I'm
desperate to see her.
Uh, will she, will
she be around later?
In one form or another.
Oh, tha‐thank you.
Uh, I‐I'll be back.
And, uh, don't tell her.
The old bird just
loves surprises.
And she got a pretty
good one last month.
Oh, yeah. Oh, buh‐bye.
Uh, who was that, babe?
Obie, it was this sweet old man.
He was, he was looking
for Mary Porchnick.
‐ Oh. ‐ Oh..
A‐a‐and I think I gave him
the impression that she was
living and breathing
and would be here later.
Oh. Oh, my.
Well, uh, don't fret, baby.
Uh, when he comes back,
I'll break the news to him.
See, look here, girl.
We're a team now.
And if one of us
fumbles the ball
the other one picks it
up, runs it to the end zone
and does the victory dance in
front of the whole dog pound.
Hm.
You still miss the
Browns, don't you?
Like a toddler
misses the nipple.
Okay!
Cinderella's ready for the ball.
Cinderella's havin'
second thoughts
about these nose
bleed stilettos.
Nose bleeds go away.
Loneliness is forever.
He's not even gonna
see my feet anyway.
He's gonna be too
busy lookin' at this
sweat moustache
over my upper lip.
Just keep dabbin' it with
the bread. You'll be fine.
What is wrong with me?
Oh, Khadijah,
you look beautiful.
Why are you so nervous?
I'll tell you why.
Old girl is out of practice.
Hasn't had a serious
date in months.
Regine, you been
tellin' my business?
Khadijah, men have a sixth
sense about this sort of thing.
I mean, we can
feel the desperation.
And I gotta tell you,
it's a real turn off.
‐ What? ‐ Alright, that's it.
I'm not goin'.
Let's get somethin'
straight, Ira.
You are a man living
with women. Okay?
There'll be moments when
you really don't belong.
This is two of those
moments put together.
Oh, I‐I understand.
You know, I‐I grew up
with, uh, three sisters.
I mean, you know, so let me
go on and get up out of here
before one of y'all start
chasin' me with a hot comb.
Look, when Cedric gets
here, why don't you just tell him
that I slipped in the tub
and I broke my ankle.
It's just a date.
It does not have to
end with a picket fence
and a freakin' dog in
your backyard, alright?
Come on.
For once in your
life, loosen up.
Relax. Have some fun.
Well, my head hurts
and I gotta vomit.
Alright, I'll get
you some aspirin
and a bucket, you big sissy.
Come on, honey,
now you sit down.
It's okay. You sit down.
Now, look.
If anybody should
be nervous, it's him.
You are Khadijah James.
You are different than any
other woman he's ever dated.
That's true.
I'm not 19, I'm not a
model and I'm not famous.
Oh, Khadijah. Listen.
Just let nature take its course.
Look at me and
Obie, it worked for us.
It took over a year and a
half just to get up the nerve
to ask you to the flea market.
Good point, stick your
tongue in his throat
the minute you see him, girl.
Alright, how many do you want?
Two will be fine.
Okay, give me two more.
Give me four. Come
on, hurry now. Hurry up.
Mr. Ceballos.
Well, hello.
I'm Synclaire. Remember me?
Why don't you just
come right on in?
Oh, look at me. I
can't invite you in.
I don't live here anymore.
But uninviting you
in would be rude.
Pretend I was never here. Okay.
‐ I'm sorry. Forgive
me. ‐ That's alright.
I kinda expect that
from your friends.
Oh, so then you must
remember Max and Regine.
We're getting late,
Antonio's not gonna hold
those reservations, come on.
Hey, umm, wh‐wh‐what
are you doin' with that bottle?
Well, I was going
to get the aspirin
but this one said "For
Regine's professional use only"
so I figured that this
was the good stuff..
That you were
holdin' out for yourself.
Max, I keep my herbal
tranquilizers in that bottle.
Tranquillizers.
I offer them to my brides.
Half if they're nervous
and a whole one if
their husbands are ugly.
I just gave Khadijah
four ugly husbands' worth.
Ow, girl, why didn't
you just knock the girl
on the head with a baseball bat?
We better get to
that restaurant.
Where you goin'?
Oh, you don't expect
me to go to Antonio's
wearin' these rags, do you?
I can't believe I'm
sittin' across the table
from Khadijah James and she's
not scribblin' on her notepad.
Well, how do you
know I'm not hidin'
a tape recorder somewhere?
I see somebody tryin'
to get their flirt on.
Well. Hey.
You know, all work and
no play makes Khadijah..
Wow!
Did somebody dim
the lights in here?
Hmm, I don't think
so. Are you alright?
Mm, maybe I just need some food.
How about a toast?
To Ced, and of course to..
Umm..
Hey, that's funny I can't
remember my name.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Good
evening, name please.
Oops.
Thank you.
Yes, we are joining
the Kitsan party.
Kitsan, Kitsan.
Right this way.
Alright. Smooth move, you've
done this before, haven't you?
Oh, Chuck E. Cheese.
Private party. I was six.
Your table, ladies.
Oh. This is great.
Girl, where the hell did
you pick that up from?
Baby Hannah's private
party. I was twelve.
My doctor said my left foot
is bigger than my right foot.
Right? See? Now feet big.
Why are my shoes the same size?
You see what I'm sayin'?
Your purse.
Oh, man, listen..
Hello, I'm at dinner.
'Khadijah, it's Max.'
Get your butt in the coat
room. We've gotta talk to you.
Okay.
Okay, look, I gotta
go talk to the coat.
Ced, will you just
watch my shoes, okay?
Hello, lady, your
hair look nice like that.
Now, you know that's nasty. I
could tell by the way you eat.
You're hardly eating.
Okay.
‐ Oh, Khadijah. ‐ Oh, my God.
Wait, no, hold up.
Now, they could've got y'all
a better table than this.
Alright, Khadijah,
Khadijah, Khadijah.
Listen, I have to
tell you something
and I want to
preface this by saying.
Regine didn't mean to hurt you.
‐ Khadijah, Max
drugged you. ‐ No‐‐
‐ She.. Shut up. ‐ Okay.
She gave you tranquillizers.
Okay, you shut
your hole, midget.
I mean, it was an
accident. It was an accident.
You know tranquillizers,
Aspirins. To‐ma‐to, to‐mah‐to.
No, y'all is trippin'.
Oh.
You think I don't
know. I know what's up.
I know!
Y'all just tryin' to be jealous.
See, 'cause I'm gettin'
the man of your dreams.
Okay, honey,
honey, if we were lyin'
why is your size
12 on the table?
Now, see, I'm goin'
back over to my table.
Because my man is missin' me.
M‐m‐my m‐m‐man m‐m‐missin' m‐me.
That's a lot of M's in that.
‐ I like M's. M's.. ‐
O‐o‐okay, hold on.
We should be goin' home.
Back off y'all.
Back off, back off.
Get off of me.
Hey, y'all just stay
the hell away from me.
Imma call security.
Security.
Okay. Well, so much
for your brilliant plan.
I am going over there and I'm
telling Cedric what's goin' on.
Pardon me, Mr. Ceballos did not
come to world famous Antonio's
to be harassed by
common groupies.
Groupies, uh, th‐there's
that word again.
I got your.. Wa‐wa‐wait.
‐ You don't wanna.. ‐
Oh, wait! Wait a minute.
‐ You don't wanna do this.
‐ Unhand me, you brute!
I really like that.
Well, I was cold.
Oh, wingtips. Mr. McLay.
Alright, look, bad news
is best delivered straight.
Just like whiskey.
Well, what if Mrs. Porchnick
was his one true love
and he's travelled
here to find her?
What if "no
mountains high enough
"no valleys low enough
no rivers wide enough" to
keep him away from her, yeah?
What if he touched her
in the morning, I mean..
'What's goin' on here?'
No more Miss Ross
before bedtime. Okay?
Hi, Mr. McLay.
My husband, Overton, has
something to tell you. Come.
Oh, don't tell me
Mary's not here again.
That woman's a,
a whirling dervish.
When I got back
from World War II
it was months
before I found her.
Oh, oh, so you were
in the big one, huh?
‐ Yes. ‐ Yeah.
I‐I bet you learned
to look death
right in the eye
and laugh at it.
‐ Ha! ‐ Never.
Each loss is much
more painful than the last.
Umm, well, Mrs. Porchnick'll
be back in the mornin'. Eh‐eh..
Oh, my God, that‐that woman's
harder to trace
down than a ghost.
N‐n‐now you're gettin' it.
Overton, if I fumble
and you fumble
who picks up the ball?
I guess we're gonna have
to have some kids, baby.
We need a few more
players on this squad.
My nana used to grate
cheese just like that.
Oh, nana.
Oh, I'm sorry.
When did she pass?
She's not dead, she in Jersey.
Hey, what's wrong?
I kill your buzz?
Well, come on.
Come on. Let's
dance, Ced‐a‐doodle.
They don't got no
dance floor here.
Oh, please. Come on, now.
Excuse me, harp lady.
How about a little Wu Tang?
How about a little Bach?
Okay, kick it.
Khadijah, I think it's
time to take you home.
Take me home?
Oh‐oh‐oh, somebody got
a little crush on me, huh.
Somebody need to sober up.
Oh, please.
Big guy like you.. Holdin'
your liquor just fine.
Okay, alright, I got it.
What if I dress up
like Mrs. Porchnick?
Then Mr. McLay will think that
the woman he
loves is still alive.
Now, was her hump on
the left or on the right?
Look, baby, we can't
run from this forever.
I mean, let's just face the man
like two mature adults, okay?
‐ That's him. Hide. ‐ Hide.
'I know you're in there.'
'Stop sneakin' that freak
and come open the door.'
‐ It's Maxine. ‐ Yeah, thanks.
Khadijah's got a hangover
and I gotta get some stuff
to help her out, you know.
Wait a minute, now.
How's all that food gonna
help Khadijah's hangover?
I'm much less
abrasive when I'm full.
How many people live here?
Uh, where can I
find Mary Porchnick?
Got a shovel?
That old prune
croaked weeks ago.
Alright, y'all.
Thanks for the beef.
'Alright.'
Mary's dead?
Sorry, Mr. McLay. We just
didn't know how to tell you.
Woo‐woo‐woo.
Mary's gone on to a fine
resting place at Pristine Hills.
Her memory will live on forever.
Oh, to Hades with her memory.
That cheap old bag
owes me 500 bucks.
‐ What? ‐ Yeah.
She, she stiffed me
a‐at a poker game ten years ago.
I‐I'm half a mind to kill myself
and get her on the other side.
Last night was the most
humiliatin' night of my life.
Do you think he'll call?
Yeah, sure, girl. I
don't see why not.
What world are y'all livin' in?
I mean, that brother
is never callin' again.
I mean, I wouldn't be
surprised if he hasn't changed
his phone number already.
You are a first‐class
pain in the butt.
I mean, ha‐ha‐have you
ever heard of a little thing
called sparing
someone's feelings?
But, uh, I‐I just did.
I mean, I could've mentioned
how he's probably on the phone
right now callin' up all his
NBA buddies and tellin' 'em
how Khadijah James
do up on the maitre d'.
Well, fine. The truth
is leavin' the room.
Oh, forget Mars.
That one is from Pluto.
Well, at least he's
being straight with me.
If this is what happens
when I put myself out there..
I drink so much, I don't
even remember doin' it.
Well, no more.
Hey, cut yourself a break, girl.
You didn't drink anything.
It was those tranquillizers
that did you in.
What tranquillizers?
You're right, girl.
You were pretty drunk.
Oh, hold up, hold up.
It's all comin' back to me now.
That was your face
under the raccoon coat.
Y'all drugged me.
Is that really relevant?
The important thing is..
Is that you're back
in the dating game.
Okay?
Oh, I'm gettin' into it,
just without your help.
Because for a few
minutes last night
before the headache
and the sweating
and the sudden coma,
I was really into it.
I mean, that boy was cute.
Khadijah, is there anything
anything Max can do
to make this up to you?
Yeah.
You can call Cedric
and explain everything.
Maybe at least I can
get my dignity back.
And maybe another date.
'That's a big, fat maybe!'
Okay, we gotta teach
that brother how to lie.
Now, hold on.
Just take it easy
on Mrs. Porchnick.
It's not easy to keep a house
cheery when you luggin' around
a oxygen tank.
Come on, lighten
up on Mrs. Porchnick.
It's not easy to
keep a house cheery
when the Grim Reaper's
at your doorstep.
Come on now, don't‐don't
crack on Mrs. Porchnick.
It's not easy to
keep a house cheery
when you're fallin'
and you can't get up.
Hey, don't crack
on Mrs. Porchnick.
Kinda hard keepin'
the house cheery
when you hooked
up to a iron lung.
Y'all‐y'all got to
give me some love.
Hey, I got the bat.
Woo‐hoo!