Living Single (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 12 - To Catch a Thief - full transcript
Okay, um, uh, uh,
uh, uh. Well, well, well.
Look who came to visit
my crib on Boardwalk.
You know it's
gonna cost you $200
but we have a live in
masseuse with magic fingers.
Magic fingers, huh?
'Uh, huh, yeah yeah.'
Anyone I know?
'Maybe, maybe not.'
But why don't you spend
the night to find out. Hmm?
For the love of God!
Would you just take
your thimble over to
one of my hotels
and get it on already?
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
we are just friends.
I mean, Roni has a boyfriend.
Actually, we broke up.
‐ Really? ‐ No.
But I like your enthusiasm.
What? The dog! The dog, dog.
Big, big dog.
‐ B‐big ol' dog. ‐ Walter! Nein!
Where did my dog go?
Uh, hey, I don't know about
a dog but a T‐rex with spots
just trampled through here.
Max, when the hell
did you get a dog?
I picked him up this morning.
You know, I'm just teaching
him a few simple commands.
Walter! Kommen sie hier!
Now, I hope that was the command
for clean up the damn kitchen.
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ And in a nineties
kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Haaaa ♪
So, I see my mom and this bloke
with their bums
all out on the bed
and I say to her
"I don't care who
you're boinking
as long as I get me cheese."
'You guys are easy.'
Ooh, Synclaire, you are the
essence of a Gotham player.
You have truly
mastered the skill of..
Improvisation.
Mmm, yes, thank you.
I don't know.
I think your Cockney
had a bit too much
Manchester in it
for my taste, yeah.
Of course, you know I
lived there in the 70's.
Any chance you'll be
moving back in the 90's?
Gotham players, what
say we call it a day?
Oh, don't forget party at
my place next Saturday.
Bring your dance shoes,
I'll provide the music.
And of course, paella.
You know I love my paella,
you know I like my paella.
That's good stuff.
Alright, you all.
Take care. See you next week.
‐ Alright. Bye. ‐ Bye.
You know, Synclaire.
I'd like to do something..
Magnanimous for you.
I'd like to work with you
and help you to realize
the full extent of your talent.
Oh, Marco, you'd do that for me?
Wow, unselfish. How
generous. That's..
You're not trying to get
in my drawers, are you?
Now, I wouldn't cheapen
our relationship like that.
‐ Okay. ‐ Now..
The important thing is to
find the signature character
that all the great
ones have. Hmm?
‐ Flip Wilson had
Geraldine. ‐ Yeah.
Gilda had Roseanne,
Roseanna Danna.
And of course, I have Boogey,
the Russian candle maker.
Hmm..
Boogey's Russian?
Yes. Okay, well..
You sit down and I'm
gonna show you something.
Okay, let's see. Um..
How about Lucille
the embittered lounge singer?
♪ A one, a two, a
one, two, three ♪
♪ What the world needs
now is love sweet love ♪
Hey, hey you, table six!
Get your hooked‐nose out of
that Martini. It's all about me!
♪ That's the only
thing that there's ♪
♪ Just too little
of what the.. ♪
Hell are you doing?
Spotlight on me. Not that
bimbo with the fake boobs!
♪ Nah huh yeah ♪
Bill Marrion,
Saturday Night Live.
You know I gave him that
bit at a little improv theater
at SoHo back in '75.
Hmm. Hack.
Alright, sink your
comedy chops on this one.
Um, either we having
flash flood warnings or..
My baby about to launch
into my favorite character.
Well, my favorite
vertical character anyway.
Hello, I'm here to
speak on behalf of
our forgotten
segment of society.
You know that one out of ten
Americans has no
vowels in their last name?
It's true. "Hello,
I'm Grazilda Flnh.
F‐L‐N‐H, Flnh!"
See that, no vowels.
And I also drool.
Would you excuse me?
I hope I didn't
catch you out there.
My boyfriend, Bill
Prftk, is also a member.
And he spits when he
talks. And oh, it's scary.
When we have a fight,
we've to wear rain slickers.
Oh, I got you again.
Got you again.
Uh, what, what‐what's wrong?
Caught in a bad trap, Marco?
No, I, uh, I get personally
offended by vowel bashing.
My mother's maiden
name happened to be Pfft.
Alright, let's..
Synclaire, uh, keep the faith.
You'll find that character
that'll take you to the top.
‐ Hmm, yeah. ‐ 'Right. Yeah.'
Yeah, well, only top he
gonna see is the big top
with all the rest of the clowns.
Oh, don't mind Marco.
He's just tryin' to
give me the benefit
of all those years of
bitterness, you know.
Hey, looks like one of your
thespian friends left her bag.
‐ Oh.. ‐ Let's see what we got.
Hmm, let's see. They got
Valium, Prozac, Old Spice.
My money is on Marco.
Oh, did you look at this?
See.
"Marco, the experience,
a one‐man show."
Tonight!
I wonder why he
didn't tell us about this.
Cause he's unfunny, talentless
and prefers to bomb in private.
I say we get some rotten
tomatoes and go down there
and show him our support.
Walter, herunter.
Herunter!
Max, you teaching
that beast German?
Yes, German is the
language of discipline.
Walter, herunter! Herunter!
He is a smart dog.
You know, we had him one day
and he already learned
how to ignore you.
What are you doin' with a dog?
You couldn't even keep
that gold fish alive for a week.
That fish was suicidal
when I bought him.
Besides, you know what?
I‐I need somebody.
You've got Scooter.
Overton and Synclaire,
they've got each other.
Why, even that diva midget
went off and found somebody.
Walter, herunter!
Herunter!
Okay, Walter, get down!
English!
Think you're on to somethin'.
'Ladies and gentlemen'
'the Majestic theatre is
proud and pleased to present'
'one of the greatest comedians
to ever grace our stage.'
Please, give a rousing
welcome to Mr. Marco McCulloch
in "Marco, huh, the experience."
Hi, how're you
doin'? Hi, hi, hi.
I'm here representing a‐a
forgotten segment of America.
Did you know that one
out of every ten Americans
have no vowels
in their last name.
'Hi, hello, I'm Bill Prftk.'
I'm the president of the
"No Vowel Foundation."
Did you get any? I'm here.
We'll clean you up later.
Obie, Marco stole my act.
Damn, by the looks of things,
took one of my belts, too.
'Thank you, thank
you, one and all.'
Tell a friend.
Hell, tell the world about.
"Marco, the experience."
Good night and God bless.
I love you right now.
Great show, Marco!
I really connected
with the material.
Now I'm gonna connect with your
two‐face character stealin' ass.
Come on, come on. Come
on, come on. Baby. Baby..
Baby, come on, now.
You know you're wrong.
You know you're wrong.
You got to lead
with you ring hand.
Do more damage that way.
‐ Here we go. ‐ Okay, okay.
Now it occurs to me that
I understand the reason
you might be tad angry tonight.
As I ratchet back
through tonight's show
I realize that I may have
subconsciously borrowed
one or two lines
from‐from your repertoire.
Borrowed? Borrowed?
You stole my whole..
Oh, you stole my whole act, man.
You pathetic lowdown, sleazy..
Backstabbing, snake, pathetic..
Oh you, you
already said pathetic.
I did, I did.
You forgot washed up.
Do you know, once
upon a time, I actually
was somebody in this town.
But that was many years
and many Martinis ago.
Anyway..
After my star fell
my wife took the
kids and left me.
So, I was hoping that if
this show was a success
possibly that
maybe I could begin
to pay child support.
Well..
Silly, silly Marco.
Boy.
Talk about tears of a clown.
You know I, I give you my
word Synclaire, that this will be
the last brilliant performance
of "Marco, the experience."
Alright, forget it, Marco.
You can keep my characters
as long as you need them.
I just suggest that you work
on the delivery of "Prftk."
I heard a vowel
distinctly in there.
‐ There's no vowels.
Get it? ‐ Yes, right. Yes.
Oh, thank you. Bless
you. Thank you, Synclaire.
Or should I say Saint Synclaire.
Yeah.
Hey, yo, bro, you wanna
give up that belt right quick?
Sorry, uh, get you the
socks in the next week.
No, you can keep it.
Oh, Khadijah, I'm
so tired. Whoop!
Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell! Schnell.
Schnell.
'Yes.'
Hey. Alright, Walter's here.
Well, look, did he
pass my cellphone yet?
I'm expecting a call.
We got kicked out of
obedience class today.
This dog is killing me.
He mistook a
Chihuahua for a chew toy.
Roni and I could take him
off your hands for a little while.
Hey, Walter, how would you
like to go and pick up a pretty DJ
and go for a walk, huh?
Whoa, wait, hey, hey, hey.
What's the command for stop?
Walter, schnell, schnell!
Great, ha‐ha, that
mongrel is ruining my life.
Khadijah, what the
hell am I gonna do?
I say you rent a horse trailer
and take him back to the stable.
What kind of mother
would I be if I did that?
Well, last time I looked, uh,
Walter was a dog, not a baby.
What if he was a baby?
What if I was his mother?
What if I told you
I was pregnant?
Ooh, I'll pray for the
future of all mankind.
I'm pregnant.
Uh‐huh, yeah, right.
You stupid, yo.
Not a joke.
Doctor confirmed
it two days ago.
But.. Wha.. Wh..
Mine.
And donor number 432.
‐ You mean you‐‐ ‐ Yeah, yeah.
Artificial insemination.
No fuss, no muss, no man.
Well, how.. How far are you?
Three weeks.
Max, what the hell
is wrong with you?
Nothin'. I.. I don't know.
I was searchin' for fulfillment
and, you know,
something in my gut
told me that this was it.
See, that's your problem.
You always thinkin'
with your stomach.
Max, we're talking
about a child here.
Khadijah, look, I came
down here for some support.
Now, the least you can do is
tell me that I have no reason
to be scared to death right now.
Scared? Why?
Because you can't take a
baby back to the pet shop
when it doesn't schnell
because you told him to.
Or‐or maybe because you
can't put him on the backburner
like you did your career
when it stopped satisfying you.
Or maybe it's because you‐you
can't send it off to London
when it asks for more
than you are willing to give.
‐ Yeah, alright, yeah.. ‐ I
know why you're scared.
You know why you're scared, Max?
Yeah, why, why?
Because..
For the first time in your life
you gonna have to
deal with somethin'
that you can't control.
Somethin' that's
gonna control you, girl.
Oh, God! God!
Khadijah, what have I done?
Somethin' so impulsive
so typical, so Max‐like.
I'm doomed.
I can't even..
Get a full‐grown dog
to go on a newspaper.
How can I potty‐train a baby?
Well, first of all, I think
Walter is a little off.
From the door. You
know what I'm saying?
Besides, look, I know
you can't see it right now
but maybe this,
this is a blessing.
Okay?
Nine months from now..
You gonna have a
little person in your arms
who you can't put down,
that you can't run from.
Baby is gonna force
mommy to grow up.
You actually
think I can do this?
Oh, please. I know you can.
You know, it takes a
village to raise a child.
In your case, it's gonna
take about five boroughs.
But we got your back.
‐ Oh, thank you. ‐ Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
‐ You're pregnant.
‐ Yes, I'm pregnant.
Oh, God!
You know, it's just a
thought, just a thought.
You know, I.. Maybe, you know..
'Cause with all that,
you know, so much..
Maybe you'd consider
being a wet nurse.
No.
Salutations.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Synclaire.
I heard the devastating
news about Marco.
I just want to assure
you that Gotham players
do not condone
this type of behavior.
I'd fire him on the spot
if he didn't have those..
Pictures.
Don't worry, Phil,
everything's fine.
Once he explained to me
that he needed this break
to pay his child
support, I understood.
Poor dear.
That "poor dear"
is a far better actor
than I thought.
The man has no children.
And his ex‐wife pays him
six figures a year in alimony.
I'm sure you've heard of
her. Television's Joyce DeWitt.
From the classic small screen
farce "Three's Company?"
Ooh, man, I was only 12
but I knew Janet
had it goin' on.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, you mean that
man stole my act and he lied to me?
Oh, ho! Oh, my
ears are gettin hot.
Back it up, my
ears are get‐‐ Oh!
Fear not. Fear, fear not.
Phil..
How's the plan?
If I do say so
myself, it's diabolique.
De‐oblique.
Boy got a li'l Joan
Crawford in him.
A whole lot.
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Is love sweet love ♪
Oh, I can't believe it.
It's twelve years later,
and he is still doing that
schlock lounge singer act.
Actually, Miss DeWitt, it's my
schlock lounge singer act but..
Oh, Synclaire, I'm so sorry,
I'm sure it's very
funny when you do it.
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
Is a short intermission.
Everybody, please
stay in your seats.
Joyce, darling, you..
You look positively ravishing.
You're just as transparent
as you were when I met you.
Yeah.
And you said that
you weren't working.
But look, here you are,
dishing out the garbage.
I'm so sorry, I'm sure it's
much better when you do it.
'Joyce, trust me.'
I'm working here for free, okay.
So who's making all that money
that they are
charging at the door?
‐ That's your cue, Miss
DeWitt. ‐ Thank you, Overton.
Hey, it's television's
Joyce DeWitt.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
television's Joyce DeWitt.
We were formerly married, now
we're, we're just good friends.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank
you all very much.
Now..
According to the
terms of our divorce
and I quote.
"Failure to report any
income renders null and void
the entire alimony agreement."
And now, let's see..
What does that mean?
Synclaire honey, could
you help me out here?
Sure thing, Joyce. Love to.
I believe it means this.
Goodbye, gravy train.
Hello Government cheese.
Hang on, baby. I mean, what‐what
about the good times, huh?
Good times?
Far as I can tell
they've just begun.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Joyce, thank you.
Oh, thank you, Overton.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
Joyce DeWitt.'
'It's all part of the act now.'
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
No more manicure, no
more scotch, no more money.
Oh, God, he looks
so pathetic up there.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go help him
out, plus this crowd is hot.
Hey there, Boogey.
Uh‐huh.
Get up off your knees,
have you no Russian pride?
‐ Mother? ‐ Get up, Boogey.
Yes, it's your mother
from the Ukraine.
Boogedy, Boogedy.
Look at your face,
look at your face.
Yes, I came to visit
you, look at you.
America has stolen your accent.
You should be
home shapin' the wax.
Shaping the wax.
Yes, I am Boogedy,
Russian candle‐maker. Ah..
Yes, the Boogey, look
at that face, Boogey.
Listen, Boogey, I want you to
return with me to Mother Russia.
Or whatever the hell they
are calling it these days.
'But first'
we finish what we start.
Uh 1, uh 2, to the
beat y'all, to the beat.
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
Is more toilet paper.
Comrades, to get in line for
toilet paper, wipe your booties.
Thank you, thank you.
Baby, you stole the show
like a thief in the night.
Miss, I'm Tony Jonas.
President, Warner
Brothers Television.
Tony Jonas, wow!
I'm Synclaire James,
I'm‐I'm‐I'm an actress.
I can see that.
I came here to see Marco
for the role of the
renegade Rabbi
in one of our new shows.
But since he stinks
'and you light up the stage..'
I'm thinkin' maybe that
Rabbi is a renegade nun.
Tony, I can do a renegade nun.
Yeah, and you also could
be an actor, but tragically..
You're not.
Call my secretary,
about the auditions.
Alright, Mr. Jonas,
thank you so much.
Hey, Mr. Jonas, you think
you might have a show
for a home‐spun handyman maybe?
Home‐spun handyman?
Nah.
Khadijah.
Baby Shaw is hungry.
Alright, here's your,
uh, pepperoni pizza
your chili and your
two garlic pickles.
Mm, on second thought
baby Shaw is suddenly
craving Chinese.
Baby could drag his own
behind down to Tommy
if he wants to feed himself.
Oh, whoa! Oh, oh..
He's a demon dog.
Aah, and here's the name of
a man that will be calling you
about the damage to his Miata.
So, you wanna have a
nice candle light dinner?
Really?
No, but I like your enthusiasm.
See, that was just a..
See, that was just, uh‐uh..
That was a joke.
Oh, Walter, what am
I gonna do with you?
Oh, mm, look at that.
Baby loves mommy.
You know, you have had
a lot of sick
relationships, Max.
But this one might work.
uh, uh. Well, well, well.
Look who came to visit
my crib on Boardwalk.
You know it's
gonna cost you $200
but we have a live in
masseuse with magic fingers.
Magic fingers, huh?
'Uh, huh, yeah yeah.'
Anyone I know?
'Maybe, maybe not.'
But why don't you spend
the night to find out. Hmm?
For the love of God!
Would you just take
your thimble over to
one of my hotels
and get it on already?
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
we are just friends.
I mean, Roni has a boyfriend.
Actually, we broke up.
‐ Really? ‐ No.
But I like your enthusiasm.
What? The dog! The dog, dog.
Big, big dog.
‐ B‐big ol' dog. ‐ Walter! Nein!
Where did my dog go?
Uh, hey, I don't know about
a dog but a T‐rex with spots
just trampled through here.
Max, when the hell
did you get a dog?
I picked him up this morning.
You know, I'm just teaching
him a few simple commands.
Walter! Kommen sie hier!
Now, I hope that was the command
for clean up the damn kitchen.
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ And in a nineties
kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Haaaa ♪
So, I see my mom and this bloke
with their bums
all out on the bed
and I say to her
"I don't care who
you're boinking
as long as I get me cheese."
'You guys are easy.'
Ooh, Synclaire, you are the
essence of a Gotham player.
You have truly
mastered the skill of..
Improvisation.
Mmm, yes, thank you.
I don't know.
I think your Cockney
had a bit too much
Manchester in it
for my taste, yeah.
Of course, you know I
lived there in the 70's.
Any chance you'll be
moving back in the 90's?
Gotham players, what
say we call it a day?
Oh, don't forget party at
my place next Saturday.
Bring your dance shoes,
I'll provide the music.
And of course, paella.
You know I love my paella,
you know I like my paella.
That's good stuff.
Alright, you all.
Take care. See you next week.
‐ Alright. Bye. ‐ Bye.
You know, Synclaire.
I'd like to do something..
Magnanimous for you.
I'd like to work with you
and help you to realize
the full extent of your talent.
Oh, Marco, you'd do that for me?
Wow, unselfish. How
generous. That's..
You're not trying to get
in my drawers, are you?
Now, I wouldn't cheapen
our relationship like that.
‐ Okay. ‐ Now..
The important thing is to
find the signature character
that all the great
ones have. Hmm?
‐ Flip Wilson had
Geraldine. ‐ Yeah.
Gilda had Roseanne,
Roseanna Danna.
And of course, I have Boogey,
the Russian candle maker.
Hmm..
Boogey's Russian?
Yes. Okay, well..
You sit down and I'm
gonna show you something.
Okay, let's see. Um..
How about Lucille
the embittered lounge singer?
♪ A one, a two, a
one, two, three ♪
♪ What the world needs
now is love sweet love ♪
Hey, hey you, table six!
Get your hooked‐nose out of
that Martini. It's all about me!
♪ That's the only
thing that there's ♪
♪ Just too little
of what the.. ♪
Hell are you doing?
Spotlight on me. Not that
bimbo with the fake boobs!
♪ Nah huh yeah ♪
Bill Marrion,
Saturday Night Live.
You know I gave him that
bit at a little improv theater
at SoHo back in '75.
Hmm. Hack.
Alright, sink your
comedy chops on this one.
Um, either we having
flash flood warnings or..
My baby about to launch
into my favorite character.
Well, my favorite
vertical character anyway.
Hello, I'm here to
speak on behalf of
our forgotten
segment of society.
You know that one out of ten
Americans has no
vowels in their last name?
It's true. "Hello,
I'm Grazilda Flnh.
F‐L‐N‐H, Flnh!"
See that, no vowels.
And I also drool.
Would you excuse me?
I hope I didn't
catch you out there.
My boyfriend, Bill
Prftk, is also a member.
And he spits when he
talks. And oh, it's scary.
When we have a fight,
we've to wear rain slickers.
Oh, I got you again.
Got you again.
Uh, what, what‐what's wrong?
Caught in a bad trap, Marco?
No, I, uh, I get personally
offended by vowel bashing.
My mother's maiden
name happened to be Pfft.
Alright, let's..
Synclaire, uh, keep the faith.
You'll find that character
that'll take you to the top.
‐ Hmm, yeah. ‐ 'Right. Yeah.'
Yeah, well, only top he
gonna see is the big top
with all the rest of the clowns.
Oh, don't mind Marco.
He's just tryin' to
give me the benefit
of all those years of
bitterness, you know.
Hey, looks like one of your
thespian friends left her bag.
‐ Oh.. ‐ Let's see what we got.
Hmm, let's see. They got
Valium, Prozac, Old Spice.
My money is on Marco.
Oh, did you look at this?
See.
"Marco, the experience,
a one‐man show."
Tonight!
I wonder why he
didn't tell us about this.
Cause he's unfunny, talentless
and prefers to bomb in private.
I say we get some rotten
tomatoes and go down there
and show him our support.
Walter, herunter.
Herunter!
Max, you teaching
that beast German?
Yes, German is the
language of discipline.
Walter, herunter! Herunter!
He is a smart dog.
You know, we had him one day
and he already learned
how to ignore you.
What are you doin' with a dog?
You couldn't even keep
that gold fish alive for a week.
That fish was suicidal
when I bought him.
Besides, you know what?
I‐I need somebody.
You've got Scooter.
Overton and Synclaire,
they've got each other.
Why, even that diva midget
went off and found somebody.
Walter, herunter!
Herunter!
Okay, Walter, get down!
English!
Think you're on to somethin'.
'Ladies and gentlemen'
'the Majestic theatre is
proud and pleased to present'
'one of the greatest comedians
to ever grace our stage.'
Please, give a rousing
welcome to Mr. Marco McCulloch
in "Marco, huh, the experience."
Hi, how're you
doin'? Hi, hi, hi.
I'm here representing a‐a
forgotten segment of America.
Did you know that one
out of every ten Americans
have no vowels
in their last name.
'Hi, hello, I'm Bill Prftk.'
I'm the president of the
"No Vowel Foundation."
Did you get any? I'm here.
We'll clean you up later.
Obie, Marco stole my act.
Damn, by the looks of things,
took one of my belts, too.
'Thank you, thank
you, one and all.'
Tell a friend.
Hell, tell the world about.
"Marco, the experience."
Good night and God bless.
I love you right now.
Great show, Marco!
I really connected
with the material.
Now I'm gonna connect with your
two‐face character stealin' ass.
Come on, come on. Come
on, come on. Baby. Baby..
Baby, come on, now.
You know you're wrong.
You know you're wrong.
You got to lead
with you ring hand.
Do more damage that way.
‐ Here we go. ‐ Okay, okay.
Now it occurs to me that
I understand the reason
you might be tad angry tonight.
As I ratchet back
through tonight's show
I realize that I may have
subconsciously borrowed
one or two lines
from‐from your repertoire.
Borrowed? Borrowed?
You stole my whole..
Oh, you stole my whole act, man.
You pathetic lowdown, sleazy..
Backstabbing, snake, pathetic..
Oh you, you
already said pathetic.
I did, I did.
You forgot washed up.
Do you know, once
upon a time, I actually
was somebody in this town.
But that was many years
and many Martinis ago.
Anyway..
After my star fell
my wife took the
kids and left me.
So, I was hoping that if
this show was a success
possibly that
maybe I could begin
to pay child support.
Well..
Silly, silly Marco.
Boy.
Talk about tears of a clown.
You know I, I give you my
word Synclaire, that this will be
the last brilliant performance
of "Marco, the experience."
Alright, forget it, Marco.
You can keep my characters
as long as you need them.
I just suggest that you work
on the delivery of "Prftk."
I heard a vowel
distinctly in there.
‐ There's no vowels.
Get it? ‐ Yes, right. Yes.
Oh, thank you. Bless
you. Thank you, Synclaire.
Or should I say Saint Synclaire.
Yeah.
Hey, yo, bro, you wanna
give up that belt right quick?
Sorry, uh, get you the
socks in the next week.
No, you can keep it.
Oh, Khadijah, I'm
so tired. Whoop!
Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell! Schnell.
Schnell.
'Yes.'
Hey. Alright, Walter's here.
Well, look, did he
pass my cellphone yet?
I'm expecting a call.
We got kicked out of
obedience class today.
This dog is killing me.
He mistook a
Chihuahua for a chew toy.
Roni and I could take him
off your hands for a little while.
Hey, Walter, how would you
like to go and pick up a pretty DJ
and go for a walk, huh?
Whoa, wait, hey, hey, hey.
What's the command for stop?
Walter, schnell, schnell!
Great, ha‐ha, that
mongrel is ruining my life.
Khadijah, what the
hell am I gonna do?
I say you rent a horse trailer
and take him back to the stable.
What kind of mother
would I be if I did that?
Well, last time I looked, uh,
Walter was a dog, not a baby.
What if he was a baby?
What if I was his mother?
What if I told you
I was pregnant?
Ooh, I'll pray for the
future of all mankind.
I'm pregnant.
Uh‐huh, yeah, right.
You stupid, yo.
Not a joke.
Doctor confirmed
it two days ago.
But.. Wha.. Wh..
Mine.
And donor number 432.
‐ You mean you‐‐ ‐ Yeah, yeah.
Artificial insemination.
No fuss, no muss, no man.
Well, how.. How far are you?
Three weeks.
Max, what the hell
is wrong with you?
Nothin'. I.. I don't know.
I was searchin' for fulfillment
and, you know,
something in my gut
told me that this was it.
See, that's your problem.
You always thinkin'
with your stomach.
Max, we're talking
about a child here.
Khadijah, look, I came
down here for some support.
Now, the least you can do is
tell me that I have no reason
to be scared to death right now.
Scared? Why?
Because you can't take a
baby back to the pet shop
when it doesn't schnell
because you told him to.
Or‐or maybe because you
can't put him on the backburner
like you did your career
when it stopped satisfying you.
Or maybe it's because you‐you
can't send it off to London
when it asks for more
than you are willing to give.
‐ Yeah, alright, yeah.. ‐ I
know why you're scared.
You know why you're scared, Max?
Yeah, why, why?
Because..
For the first time in your life
you gonna have to
deal with somethin'
that you can't control.
Somethin' that's
gonna control you, girl.
Oh, God! God!
Khadijah, what have I done?
Somethin' so impulsive
so typical, so Max‐like.
I'm doomed.
I can't even..
Get a full‐grown dog
to go on a newspaper.
How can I potty‐train a baby?
Well, first of all, I think
Walter is a little off.
From the door. You
know what I'm saying?
Besides, look, I know
you can't see it right now
but maybe this,
this is a blessing.
Okay?
Nine months from now..
You gonna have a
little person in your arms
who you can't put down,
that you can't run from.
Baby is gonna force
mommy to grow up.
You actually
think I can do this?
Oh, please. I know you can.
You know, it takes a
village to raise a child.
In your case, it's gonna
take about five boroughs.
But we got your back.
‐ Oh, thank you. ‐ Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
‐ You're pregnant.
‐ Yes, I'm pregnant.
Oh, God!
You know, it's just a
thought, just a thought.
You know, I.. Maybe, you know..
'Cause with all that,
you know, so much..
Maybe you'd consider
being a wet nurse.
No.
Salutations.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Synclaire.
I heard the devastating
news about Marco.
I just want to assure
you that Gotham players
do not condone
this type of behavior.
I'd fire him on the spot
if he didn't have those..
Pictures.
Don't worry, Phil,
everything's fine.
Once he explained to me
that he needed this break
to pay his child
support, I understood.
Poor dear.
That "poor dear"
is a far better actor
than I thought.
The man has no children.
And his ex‐wife pays him
six figures a year in alimony.
I'm sure you've heard of
her. Television's Joyce DeWitt.
From the classic small screen
farce "Three's Company?"
Ooh, man, I was only 12
but I knew Janet
had it goin' on.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, you mean that
man stole my act and he lied to me?
Oh, ho! Oh, my
ears are gettin hot.
Back it up, my
ears are get‐‐ Oh!
Fear not. Fear, fear not.
Phil..
How's the plan?
If I do say so
myself, it's diabolique.
De‐oblique.
Boy got a li'l Joan
Crawford in him.
A whole lot.
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Is love sweet love ♪
Oh, I can't believe it.
It's twelve years later,
and he is still doing that
schlock lounge singer act.
Actually, Miss DeWitt, it's my
schlock lounge singer act but..
Oh, Synclaire, I'm so sorry,
I'm sure it's very
funny when you do it.
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
Is a short intermission.
Everybody, please
stay in your seats.
Joyce, darling, you..
You look positively ravishing.
You're just as transparent
as you were when I met you.
Yeah.
And you said that
you weren't working.
But look, here you are,
dishing out the garbage.
I'm so sorry, I'm sure it's
much better when you do it.
'Joyce, trust me.'
I'm working here for free, okay.
So who's making all that money
that they are
charging at the door?
‐ That's your cue, Miss
DeWitt. ‐ Thank you, Overton.
Hey, it's television's
Joyce DeWitt.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
television's Joyce DeWitt.
We were formerly married, now
we're, we're just good friends.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank
you all very much.
Now..
According to the
terms of our divorce
and I quote.
"Failure to report any
income renders null and void
the entire alimony agreement."
And now, let's see..
What does that mean?
Synclaire honey, could
you help me out here?
Sure thing, Joyce. Love to.
I believe it means this.
Goodbye, gravy train.
Hello Government cheese.
Hang on, baby. I mean, what‐what
about the good times, huh?
Good times?
Far as I can tell
they've just begun.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Joyce, thank you.
Oh, thank you, Overton.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
Joyce DeWitt.'
'It's all part of the act now.'
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
No more manicure, no
more scotch, no more money.
Oh, God, he looks
so pathetic up there.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go help him
out, plus this crowd is hot.
Hey there, Boogey.
Uh‐huh.
Get up off your knees,
have you no Russian pride?
‐ Mother? ‐ Get up, Boogey.
Yes, it's your mother
from the Ukraine.
Boogedy, Boogedy.
Look at your face,
look at your face.
Yes, I came to visit
you, look at you.
America has stolen your accent.
You should be
home shapin' the wax.
Shaping the wax.
Yes, I am Boogedy,
Russian candle‐maker. Ah..
Yes, the Boogey, look
at that face, Boogey.
Listen, Boogey, I want you to
return with me to Mother Russia.
Or whatever the hell they
are calling it these days.
'But first'
we finish what we start.
Uh 1, uh 2, to the
beat y'all, to the beat.
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
Is more toilet paper.
Comrades, to get in line for
toilet paper, wipe your booties.
Thank you, thank you.
Baby, you stole the show
like a thief in the night.
Miss, I'm Tony Jonas.
President, Warner
Brothers Television.
Tony Jonas, wow!
I'm Synclaire James,
I'm‐I'm‐I'm an actress.
I can see that.
I came here to see Marco
for the role of the
renegade Rabbi
in one of our new shows.
But since he stinks
'and you light up the stage..'
I'm thinkin' maybe that
Rabbi is a renegade nun.
Tony, I can do a renegade nun.
Yeah, and you also could
be an actor, but tragically..
You're not.
Call my secretary,
about the auditions.
Alright, Mr. Jonas,
thank you so much.
Hey, Mr. Jonas, you think
you might have a show
for a home‐spun handyman maybe?
Home‐spun handyman?
Nah.
Khadijah.
Baby Shaw is hungry.
Alright, here's your,
uh, pepperoni pizza
your chili and your
two garlic pickles.
Mm, on second thought
baby Shaw is suddenly
craving Chinese.
Baby could drag his own
behind down to Tommy
if he wants to feed himself.
Oh, whoa! Oh, oh..
He's a demon dog.
Aah, and here's the name of
a man that will be calling you
about the damage to his Miata.
So, you wanna have a
nice candle light dinner?
Really?
No, but I like your enthusiasm.
See, that was just a..
See, that was just, uh‐uh..
That was a joke.
Oh, Walter, what am
I gonna do with you?
Oh, mm, look at that.
Baby loves mommy.
You know, you have had
a lot of sick
relationships, Max.
But this one might work.