Living Single (1993–1998): Season 4, Episode 7 - I've Got You Under My Skin - full transcript
ATTENTION, FREELOADERS!
THE DINER IS NOW CLOSED.
GET OUT!
DON'T EXPECT A TIP,
YOU MANGY LEPRECHAUN.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
TODAY IS MY FIRST SHOT
AT WEDDING COORDINATING.
MY CLIENTS HAVE USED
MY FAVORITE FOUR WORDS:
"MONEY IS NO OBJECT."
SO, WHEN THEY GET HERE
EVERYTHING HAS GOT TO
BE TASTEFUL AND ELEGANT.
FINE, REGINE.
I WILL GREET YOUR GUESTS.
JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT
TO APPLY SOME
WILDROOT TO MY GOATEE.
DO THE PEOPLE AT THE SOAP
KNOW YOU'RE MOONLIGHTING?
THAT, MY DEAR, IS
HOW I GOT THE JOB.
OUR STAR WAS FREAKING OUT
BECAUSE HER SISTER'S
WEDDING COORDINATOR QUIT.
SO I VOLUNTEERED
MY VAST EXPERIENCE.
WAIT.
SO YOU DEFINE EXPERIENCE AS
NEVER HAVING DONE IT BEFORE.
EXCUSE YOU.
BUT AT THE TENDER AGE OF TEN
I WAS COORDINATING THE
WEDDING OF MY CHRISTI DOLL
TO BLACK G.I. JOE.
AND THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER
DESPITE THAT SORDID
INCIDENT WITH WHITE KEN.
OVERTON, WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH THAT DOORBELL?
WELL, MAYBE THAT'S
HOW IT ALWAYS SOUNDS.
OF COURSE, YOU NEVER USE IT.
EDWIN? DAMIANA?
IN THE FLESH.
FOR NOW.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING
TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
DON'T LET RUSSELL TAKE HIS DATES
INTO THE PHOTOCOPY ROOM.
I DON'T CARE IF HE DOES
LIKE THAT STROBE EFFECT.
DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE TICKETY‐BOO
WHILE YOU'RE OUT HAVING
THAT HEMORRHOID OPERATION.
SHH!!
WE AGREED WE WOULD CALL
MY HEMORRHOIDS "THEM."
IT'S NOT AN OPERATION.
IT'S A CONFERENCE.
A CONFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, GUESS THIS IS IT.
I'M ALL SET.
ON MY WAY.
OH, THAT'S MY GIRL.
NEXT STOP, SNIPPETY‐SNIP.
OH, DON'T MAKE ME
GO SNIPPETY‐SNIP!
WHAT IF THEY KNOCK ME
OUT, AND I DON'T WAKE UP?
I NEVER BEEN UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE
EXCEPT FOR IN COLLEGE.
THAT WAS MY BAD, YOU KNOW.
WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT'S THIS?
IS THIS THE SAME
COUSIN WHO, LAST NIGHT
BEGGED ME TO FIND OUT
IF THERE WAS SUCH A THING
AS PREPARATION "I" OR "J"
BECAUSE YOU'D GONE WAY PAST "H"?
WHOA!
OKAY. OKAY, I'LL GO.
COME ON, NOW.
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOU DO HAVE A WILL, DON'T YOU?
TO BE HONEST, DAMIANA
I BELIEVE THE WEDDING
TRADITION IS TO RELEASE DOVES
NOT BATS.
BUT I WELCOME ANY OTHER
INPUT THAT YOU TWO MIGHT HAVE.
OH, VERY WELL.
I'D LIKE TO WEAR
MY GREAT‐GREAT‐GRANDMOTHER'S
WEDDING GOWN.
I DUG UP THE VEIL
JUST THE OTHER DAY.
SINCE SHE DIED
THE OLD GIRL'S
REALLY LET HERSELF GO.
DID SHE WEAR THAT ON HER WEDDING
OR TO HER FUNERAL?
BOTH, ACTUALLY.
IT WAS A DOUBLE CEREMONY.
ISN'T THE MATERIAL GORGEOUS?
WELL, TO BE HONEST
OOH, IT LOOKS A LITTLE SINGED.
DAMNED VILLAGERS.
OH, OBIE.
UH, UH...
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE DOORBELL, OBIE?
EITHER A SHORT CIRCUIT
ELSEWHERE IN THE BUILDING
HAS CAUSED A POWER SPIKE
OR SUPERNATURAL FORCES
HAVE INVADED THESE VERY WALLS.
OH, GOD.
I MEAN, THE CHURCH OF GOD.
I‐I‐I LOVE THE ONE
THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN‐‐
SAINT CHRISTINA'S.
WE HAD OUR HEARTS
SET ON GETTING MARRIED
ACROSS THE STREET
FROM THE CHURCH.
BUT THAT'S THE GRAVEYARD.
WE'D LIKE TO PUT THE DEEJAY
NEAR THE MAUSOLEUM.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO GET MY HAMMER
AND A WOODEN STAKE.
DON'T‐DON'T GO.
I MEAN, I'M SERVING
REFRESHMENTS.
OKAY.
I'LL TAKE A SODA.
OR SOME HOLY WATER.
I'LL HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
DECAF, PLEASE.
WHERE THE HELL'S KHADIJAH?
I LEFT MY CAR PARKED
IN THE AMBULANCE ZONE.
YOU PARKED IN THE
AMBULANCE ZONE?
YEAH. THE HANDICAPPED
SPOT WAS TAKEN.
UH, SURGEON, 11:00.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
NAME TAG.
I CAN SPOT THE INITIALS
"M. D." FROM 45 PACES
AND A FINGER WITHOUT A RING
FROM HALF A BLOCK.
HEY, THERE SHE IS!
HEY, GIRL.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU FEELING?
CAN I DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOU?
PAGE DR. KEVORKIAN.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
I'M RIGHT BY YOUR
SIDE, NO MATTER WHAT.
Woman: Paging Synclaire
James to the children's ward.
OOP, THAT'S ME.
I VOLUNTEERED TO
ENTERTAIN THE TODDLERS.
MUMMENSHANTZ.
HEY, DON'T LET HER WATER
BREAK ON MY TRUCK, MAN!
I'M AN ALDERWOMAN.
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M KHADIJAH JAMES.
I WANT TO CHECK OUT.
THIS MUST BE EXPRESS CHECK OUT.
HERE, HERE, HERE.
USE MINE.
THANK YOU.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
YEAH!
OLD HAND IS AS GOOD AS NEW.
LET'S HOPE IT DON'T
MESS WITH MY BACKHAND.
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THESE.
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THESE THINGS
MORE DIFFICULT THAN NECESSARY.
SIGN HERE.
AND HERE.
OKAY.
AND HERE.
IS THAT IT?
AND INITIAL THIS FORM
SAYING YOU DIDN'T HURT YOURSELF
FILLING OUT THIS FORM.
OKAY.
VERY GOOD.
KANSAS CITY MONARCHS.
AH, ARE YOU A FAN OF THE
NEGRO BASEBALL LEAGUES?
I'M A BIG FAN.
SATCHEL PAIGE WAS MY MAN.
MY GRANDFATHER PLAYED
WITH SATCHEL PAIGE.
FOR REAL?
ABSOLUTELY.
HE EVEN CLAIMED HE GAVE
SATCHEL HIS NICKNAME.
UNTIL THEY MET
HE CALLED HIMSELF
"DUFFEL BAG" PAIGE.
OLD HAND AGAIN.
I HAVE A PRETTY WONDERFUL
PRESCRIPTION FOR HAND THERAPY.
IT INVOLVES POINTING
OUT ITEMS ON A MENU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HAVE DINNER SOME TIME?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME.
"CHARLES ROBERTS, M. D."
YES, I DO.
"KHADIJAH JAMES.
ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN."
THAT'S MISS PENICILLIN TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
SURE. CALL ME.
I WILL.
AND KEEP THE PEN.
THANK YOU.
WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?
SCRUB ROOM.
I MET THE RUDEST SURGEON.
BLEW ME OFF‐‐
BLEW ME OFF WITH
SOME STORY ABOUT
HAVING TO MASSAGE
SOMEBODY'S HEART.
ALL RIGHT, GIRL, DON'T
THINK ABOUT THE PAIN.
JUST BREATHE.
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS,
YOU CAN NAME IT MAX.
SOMEBODY GRAB HER DRAWERS.
WELL, IT'S 5:00.
GUESS THAT MEANS I'LL GO HOME
AND FIX ME A ONE‐PERSON PIZZA.
THEN I'LL LIGHT CANDLES
AROUND MY BATHTUB
AND SOAK AWAY MY LONELINESS.
FORGET IT, IVAN.
KHADIJAH HAS HER FIRST
DATE WITH A DOCTOR
SHE MET AT THE CONFERENCE.
WHAT?!
KHADIJAH, YOU GOT
TO GIVE ME A CHANCE.
I GOT THE BASEMENT ALL
TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND.
OH, MAN.
HI.
YOU'RE ON TIME, AND
YOU BROUGHT ROSES.
YOU WANT YOUR
PEN BACK, DON'T YOU?
MMM.
UH. OH. OW!
WHAT, TOO MUCH TROUBLE
TO DETHORN THEM, BROTHER?
THOSE'LL HURT HER, MAN.
ANY SPECIAL PLACE YOU'D
LIKE TO GO TO DINNER?
WELL, THERE'S THIS
NEW CAJUN RESTAURANT
CALLED TONY'S ETOUFE.
SYNCLAIRE, SEE IF YOU CAN
GET RESERVATIONS AT TONY'S.
SURE THING.
WHOA. THAT PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA.
CAJUN FOOD IS SPICY
AND IT PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR...
YOU KNOW.
I KNOW WHAT?
YOUR HEMORRHOIDS.
KHADIJAH GOT HEMORRHOIDS?!
AND YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
AT THE CONFERENCE?
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
AH, NO, MY BROTHER. NO.
WHEN KHADIJAH CLOSES THAT DOOR
IT DOESN'T OPEN FOR ANYONE.
SHE'S SEALED IN THERE
LIKE AN INDIVIDUALLY
WRAPPED MOON PIE.
YOU... IN HERE.
DON'T GO, MAN.
IT'S A TRICK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT
TO TELL ME, BOO? HUH?
HEY, COME ON, WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
GIVE YOU A SPONGE BATH?
BRING YOU A PILLOW?
SERVE AS YOUR CUSHION?
IVAN, GET OUT.
SEE, I KNOW THAT'S
THE PAIN TALKING
SO I'M...
HOW DID YOU KNOW
ABOUT MY "THEM"?
DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?
"PLEASE COUNT
BACKWARDS FROM 100."
YOU'RE MY ANESTHESIOLOGIST?
I WASN'T GOING TO SAY A WORD
BUT THEN YOU BROUGHT
UP THAT SPICY FOOD
AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO
EAT THAT WHEN YOU'VE GOT THEM.
IT'LL GIVE YOU A
BAD CASE OF THOSE
AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT THAT.
YOU SEE MY BEHIND AND I DON'T
EVEN KNOW YOUR ZODIAC SIGN.
CANCER.
AND MY NAME IS CHARLES.
COME ON, COME ON.
KHADIJAH, IN THE OPERATING ROOM
ALL BACKSIDES LOOK
THE SAME TO ME.
EXCEPT FOR THAT OLD
GUY FROM PITTSBURGH.
NOW, HE...
BUT YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT
RIGHT BEFORE DINNER.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SKIP DINNER.
IN FACT, I DON'T THINK I'LL BE
HUNGRY FOR TWO TO THREE YEARS.
YOU KNOW, KHADIJAH,
JUST BECAUSE I'M AN EXPERT
AT MAKING PEOPLE
NUMB, DOESN'T MEAN I...
I DON'T FEEL PAIN.
YOU REALLY REACHED
OUT FOR THAT ONE.
YOU KEEP SAYING
NO, I'LL GET CORNY.
NO. I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE
THAT MUCH PAIN
TWICE IN ONE WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
GREAT.
NOW, HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE
WITHOUT RUNNING INTO
THAT LITTLE EAVESDROPPER?
Ivan: I HEARD THAT.
YEP, THERE'S DEFINITELY
SOMETHING SINISTER GOING ON
WITH THE BRIDE AND
GROOM OF DOOM.
FIRST OF ALL THE
DOORBELL'S WARPED.
THEN THE PHONE GOES OUT
AND ALL DAY LONG, I HAD A
HANKERING FOR DEVILED HAM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
OVERTON, THERE IS A
HUGE SPIDER IN MY BEDROOM
AND I COULD SWEAR IT
SPUN A WEB THAT SAID...
"GET OUT."
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO GO ON
UP AND CHECK THIS OUT.
NOW, IF YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING
I EITHER BRUISED MY
SHIN OR I GOT COCOONED.
MAN, THAT IS IT.
I'M NOT DOING THIS
COCKAMAMIE WEDDING FROM HELL.
HELLO.
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
THIS IS REGINE.
THANKS.
UH... YEAH.
MAY THE DEAD RISE
UP AND MEET YOU TOO.
THEY ARE TRIPLING MY FEE.
THEY LOVED MY IDEA OF THROWING
THE BOUQUET INTO AN OPEN GRAVE.
YEAH, REGINE, THAT WAS A
DIABOLICAL‐LOOKING SPIDER
BUT NEAR AS I CAN MAKE OUT,
THE WEB SAID, "BOSS HAWG."
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT PHONE?
YOU KNOW IT'S DISCONNECTED.
REGINE, LOOKS LIKE YOUR
CALLING CIRCLE INCLUDES SATAN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN
TO THE GREENWICH
VILLAGE HALLOWEEN PARADE.
I MUST HAVE COUNTED
ABOUT 15 LADY GODIVAS.
AT LEAST TWO OF THEM WERE WOMEN.
AH, MAN.
WELL, UM...
I, UH, HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
I DID.
I REALLY, REALLY DID.
WELL, UM... GOOD NIGHT.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU
AT THE HOSPITAL CHARITY
CARNIVAL THIS WEEKEND.
OH, COOL. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
OKAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YOU KNOW, KHADIJAH, I
JUST RAN INTO YOUR FRIEND
AND I'M ASTONISHED TO
SAY THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE HIM.
YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT YOUR
AVERAGE SCHLEPROCK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE AVERAGE SCHLEPROCK.
SO, KHADIJAH, IS DR. CHARLES
YOUR R. X. FOR LOVE?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, WE'VE GONE
OUT THREE TIMES
IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS,
AND IT'S ALWAYS GREAT
BUT WHEN HE MOVES
IN FOR THAT KISS
ALL I COULD THINK
ABOUT IS HOW WE MET.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T
EXACTLY SEE MY BEST SIDE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, GIRL.
I COULD NEVER DATE
MY GYNECOLOGIST.
IF WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
THE PEOPLE YOU COULD NOT DATE
ALLOW ME TO
RETRIEVE A PHONE BOOK.
SO CHARLES SAW YOU
WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN.
IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY
TIME I WAS EMBARRASSED
I COULD BUY A BIG HOUSE, A CAR,
ONE OF THOSE RIDING MOWERS.
MAYBE WITH A LITTLE
SIDECAR FOR OBIE, YOU KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'M PROUD TO SAY I DON'T.
OKAY. MAYBE IT WOULD
HELP IF YOU IMAGINE CHARLES
IN SOME EQUALLY
EMBARRASSING SITUATION.
UH, MAYBE‐MAYBE
SITTING ON THE JOHN
WEARING, UH... I DON'T
KNOW‐‐ ANTLERS, HIP BOOTS.
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S GOOD
BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED
SOMETHING EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS.
Maxine: KYLE.
TELL KHADIJAH WHAT KIND
OF DRAWERS YOU WEAR.
NOTHING FANCY.
JUST, UH, FRENCH BOXERS
WITH A FRONT PLEAT AND
ADJUSTABLE WAISTBAND.
SILK, OF COURSE.
WHY?
THAT JUST MAY WORK.
COME ON, COME ON.
AW...! OH...!
AH, MAN!
OH, MAN, ROBBED AGAIN.
YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
THIS IS THE STRANGEST CARNIVAL
I HAVE EVER BEEN TO.
I LIKE THE "GUESS YOUR
CHOLESTEROL" BOOTH
BUT I AM GLAD I PASSED
ON THAT MYSTERY
ORGANS SQUEEZE BOX.
TELL YOU WHAT,
YOU WANT TO GO VISIT
THE KISSING BOOTH?
THEY GOT A KISSING BOOTH?
NO. BUT GIVE ME A BUCK
AND WE COULD START ONE UP.
KHADIJAH, COME ON,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I MEAN, IF IT'S MY BREATH,
YOU KNOW, JUST TELL ME.
I'LL BREATHE AFTER THE DATE.
LOOK, LOOK, CHARLES
LET'S DEAL WITH THE REAL, OKAY?
NOW, THE FIRST TIME WE MET
IT WASN'T EXACTLY FACE TO FACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M HAVING A LITTLE
PROBLEM GETTING PAST THAT.
SO WOULD IT MAKE
YOU FEEL ANY BETTER
IF I DROP MY PANTS
AND PASSED OUT?
I TRIED THAT IN MY HEAD, BUT
THE ANTLERS GOT IN THE WAY.
THE...
I TELL YOU WHAT, W‐W‐WE
STILL GOT A LOT OF TICKETS.
WHY DON'T WE GO OVER THERE
AND COUNT THE EYEBALLS
OUT IN THE JAR, OKAY?
WELL, THE BATTING CAGE IS OPEN.
I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A FEW SWINGS?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GO AHEAD.
NOW, YOU KNOW I CAN'T...
GET IN THERE AND MAKE
YOUR GRANDDADDY PROUD.
OKAY.
SATCHEL PAIGE, LOOK OUT.
ALL RIGHT NOW, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
THAT MACHINE...
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
THE MACHINE WASN'T THROWING THEM
OVER THE PLATE.
I SAID A FAST BALL!
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRET, HUH?
I'M A LITTLE ATHLETICALLY
CHALLENGED.
I WANTED TO BE A SURGEON
BUT I KEPT DROPPING THE SCALPEL.
IT'S OKAY.
OH, MAN.
DANG. YOU KNOW WHAT?
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE A KLUTZ,
KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THE WAY WE STARTED OUT.
REALLY?
IN THAT CASE, I
SUCK AT FOOTBALL.
I CAN'T CHANGE A
FLAT TO SAVE MY LIFE
AND I ACTUALLY SPRAINED MY
ANKLE ONCE PLAYING DOMINOES.
WHAT'S NEXT?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A
HELMET TO MAKE TOAST?
WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU.
DAMN, YOU DON'T
KISS LIKE A KLUTZ.
I CAN ALWAYS USE A
LITTLE MORE PRACTICE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY! SO HOW WAS THE WEDDING?
FABULOUS.
I KNOCKED THEM EVEN DEADER.
SO WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
A GIFT FROM THE GHOULY‐WEDS.
AH... "TO REGINE, WITH THANKS"
FOR MAKING OUR
SPECIAL DAY A LIVING HELL."
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
WOO‐HOO!
THE DINER IS NOW CLOSED.
GET OUT!
DON'T EXPECT A TIP,
YOU MANGY LEPRECHAUN.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
TODAY IS MY FIRST SHOT
AT WEDDING COORDINATING.
MY CLIENTS HAVE USED
MY FAVORITE FOUR WORDS:
"MONEY IS NO OBJECT."
SO, WHEN THEY GET HERE
EVERYTHING HAS GOT TO
BE TASTEFUL AND ELEGANT.
FINE, REGINE.
I WILL GREET YOUR GUESTS.
JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT
TO APPLY SOME
WILDROOT TO MY GOATEE.
DO THE PEOPLE AT THE SOAP
KNOW YOU'RE MOONLIGHTING?
THAT, MY DEAR, IS
HOW I GOT THE JOB.
OUR STAR WAS FREAKING OUT
BECAUSE HER SISTER'S
WEDDING COORDINATOR QUIT.
SO I VOLUNTEERED
MY VAST EXPERIENCE.
WAIT.
SO YOU DEFINE EXPERIENCE AS
NEVER HAVING DONE IT BEFORE.
EXCUSE YOU.
BUT AT THE TENDER AGE OF TEN
I WAS COORDINATING THE
WEDDING OF MY CHRISTI DOLL
TO BLACK G.I. JOE.
AND THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER
DESPITE THAT SORDID
INCIDENT WITH WHITE KEN.
OVERTON, WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH THAT DOORBELL?
WELL, MAYBE THAT'S
HOW IT ALWAYS SOUNDS.
OF COURSE, YOU NEVER USE IT.
EDWIN? DAMIANA?
IN THE FLESH.
FOR NOW.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING
TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
DON'T LET RUSSELL TAKE HIS DATES
INTO THE PHOTOCOPY ROOM.
I DON'T CARE IF HE DOES
LIKE THAT STROBE EFFECT.
DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE TICKETY‐BOO
WHILE YOU'RE OUT HAVING
THAT HEMORRHOID OPERATION.
SHH!!
WE AGREED WE WOULD CALL
MY HEMORRHOIDS "THEM."
IT'S NOT AN OPERATION.
IT'S A CONFERENCE.
A CONFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, GUESS THIS IS IT.
I'M ALL SET.
ON MY WAY.
OH, THAT'S MY GIRL.
NEXT STOP, SNIPPETY‐SNIP.
OH, DON'T MAKE ME
GO SNIPPETY‐SNIP!
WHAT IF THEY KNOCK ME
OUT, AND I DON'T WAKE UP?
I NEVER BEEN UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE
EXCEPT FOR IN COLLEGE.
THAT WAS MY BAD, YOU KNOW.
WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT'S THIS?
IS THIS THE SAME
COUSIN WHO, LAST NIGHT
BEGGED ME TO FIND OUT
IF THERE WAS SUCH A THING
AS PREPARATION "I" OR "J"
BECAUSE YOU'D GONE WAY PAST "H"?
WHOA!
OKAY. OKAY, I'LL GO.
COME ON, NOW.
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOU DO HAVE A WILL, DON'T YOU?
TO BE HONEST, DAMIANA
I BELIEVE THE WEDDING
TRADITION IS TO RELEASE DOVES
NOT BATS.
BUT I WELCOME ANY OTHER
INPUT THAT YOU TWO MIGHT HAVE.
OH, VERY WELL.
I'D LIKE TO WEAR
MY GREAT‐GREAT‐GRANDMOTHER'S
WEDDING GOWN.
I DUG UP THE VEIL
JUST THE OTHER DAY.
SINCE SHE DIED
THE OLD GIRL'S
REALLY LET HERSELF GO.
DID SHE WEAR THAT ON HER WEDDING
OR TO HER FUNERAL?
BOTH, ACTUALLY.
IT WAS A DOUBLE CEREMONY.
ISN'T THE MATERIAL GORGEOUS?
WELL, TO BE HONEST
OOH, IT LOOKS A LITTLE SINGED.
DAMNED VILLAGERS.
OH, OBIE.
UH, UH...
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE DOORBELL, OBIE?
EITHER A SHORT CIRCUIT
ELSEWHERE IN THE BUILDING
HAS CAUSED A POWER SPIKE
OR SUPERNATURAL FORCES
HAVE INVADED THESE VERY WALLS.
OH, GOD.
I MEAN, THE CHURCH OF GOD.
I‐I‐I LOVE THE ONE
THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN‐‐
SAINT CHRISTINA'S.
WE HAD OUR HEARTS
SET ON GETTING MARRIED
ACROSS THE STREET
FROM THE CHURCH.
BUT THAT'S THE GRAVEYARD.
WE'D LIKE TO PUT THE DEEJAY
NEAR THE MAUSOLEUM.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO GET MY HAMMER
AND A WOODEN STAKE.
DON'T‐DON'T GO.
I MEAN, I'M SERVING
REFRESHMENTS.
OKAY.
I'LL TAKE A SODA.
OR SOME HOLY WATER.
I'LL HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
DECAF, PLEASE.
WHERE THE HELL'S KHADIJAH?
I LEFT MY CAR PARKED
IN THE AMBULANCE ZONE.
YOU PARKED IN THE
AMBULANCE ZONE?
YEAH. THE HANDICAPPED
SPOT WAS TAKEN.
UH, SURGEON, 11:00.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
NAME TAG.
I CAN SPOT THE INITIALS
"M. D." FROM 45 PACES
AND A FINGER WITHOUT A RING
FROM HALF A BLOCK.
HEY, THERE SHE IS!
HEY, GIRL.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU FEELING?
CAN I DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOU?
PAGE DR. KEVORKIAN.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
I'M RIGHT BY YOUR
SIDE, NO MATTER WHAT.
Woman: Paging Synclaire
James to the children's ward.
OOP, THAT'S ME.
I VOLUNTEERED TO
ENTERTAIN THE TODDLERS.
MUMMENSHANTZ.
HEY, DON'T LET HER WATER
BREAK ON MY TRUCK, MAN!
I'M AN ALDERWOMAN.
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M KHADIJAH JAMES.
I WANT TO CHECK OUT.
THIS MUST BE EXPRESS CHECK OUT.
HERE, HERE, HERE.
USE MINE.
THANK YOU.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
YEAH!
OLD HAND IS AS GOOD AS NEW.
LET'S HOPE IT DON'T
MESS WITH MY BACKHAND.
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THESE.
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THESE THINGS
MORE DIFFICULT THAN NECESSARY.
SIGN HERE.
AND HERE.
OKAY.
AND HERE.
IS THAT IT?
AND INITIAL THIS FORM
SAYING YOU DIDN'T HURT YOURSELF
FILLING OUT THIS FORM.
OKAY.
VERY GOOD.
KANSAS CITY MONARCHS.
AH, ARE YOU A FAN OF THE
NEGRO BASEBALL LEAGUES?
I'M A BIG FAN.
SATCHEL PAIGE WAS MY MAN.
MY GRANDFATHER PLAYED
WITH SATCHEL PAIGE.
FOR REAL?
ABSOLUTELY.
HE EVEN CLAIMED HE GAVE
SATCHEL HIS NICKNAME.
UNTIL THEY MET
HE CALLED HIMSELF
"DUFFEL BAG" PAIGE.
OLD HAND AGAIN.
I HAVE A PRETTY WONDERFUL
PRESCRIPTION FOR HAND THERAPY.
IT INVOLVES POINTING
OUT ITEMS ON A MENU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HAVE DINNER SOME TIME?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME.
"CHARLES ROBERTS, M. D."
YES, I DO.
"KHADIJAH JAMES.
ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN."
THAT'S MISS PENICILLIN TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
SURE. CALL ME.
I WILL.
AND KEEP THE PEN.
THANK YOU.
WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?
SCRUB ROOM.
I MET THE RUDEST SURGEON.
BLEW ME OFF‐‐
BLEW ME OFF WITH
SOME STORY ABOUT
HAVING TO MASSAGE
SOMEBODY'S HEART.
ALL RIGHT, GIRL, DON'T
THINK ABOUT THE PAIN.
JUST BREATHE.
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS,
YOU CAN NAME IT MAX.
SOMEBODY GRAB HER DRAWERS.
WELL, IT'S 5:00.
GUESS THAT MEANS I'LL GO HOME
AND FIX ME A ONE‐PERSON PIZZA.
THEN I'LL LIGHT CANDLES
AROUND MY BATHTUB
AND SOAK AWAY MY LONELINESS.
FORGET IT, IVAN.
KHADIJAH HAS HER FIRST
DATE WITH A DOCTOR
SHE MET AT THE CONFERENCE.
WHAT?!
KHADIJAH, YOU GOT
TO GIVE ME A CHANCE.
I GOT THE BASEMENT ALL
TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND.
OH, MAN.
HI.
YOU'RE ON TIME, AND
YOU BROUGHT ROSES.
YOU WANT YOUR
PEN BACK, DON'T YOU?
MMM.
UH. OH. OW!
WHAT, TOO MUCH TROUBLE
TO DETHORN THEM, BROTHER?
THOSE'LL HURT HER, MAN.
ANY SPECIAL PLACE YOU'D
LIKE TO GO TO DINNER?
WELL, THERE'S THIS
NEW CAJUN RESTAURANT
CALLED TONY'S ETOUFE.
SYNCLAIRE, SEE IF YOU CAN
GET RESERVATIONS AT TONY'S.
SURE THING.
WHOA. THAT PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA.
CAJUN FOOD IS SPICY
AND IT PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR...
YOU KNOW.
I KNOW WHAT?
YOUR HEMORRHOIDS.
KHADIJAH GOT HEMORRHOIDS?!
AND YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
AT THE CONFERENCE?
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
AH, NO, MY BROTHER. NO.
WHEN KHADIJAH CLOSES THAT DOOR
IT DOESN'T OPEN FOR ANYONE.
SHE'S SEALED IN THERE
LIKE AN INDIVIDUALLY
WRAPPED MOON PIE.
YOU... IN HERE.
DON'T GO, MAN.
IT'S A TRICK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT
TO TELL ME, BOO? HUH?
HEY, COME ON, WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
GIVE YOU A SPONGE BATH?
BRING YOU A PILLOW?
SERVE AS YOUR CUSHION?
IVAN, GET OUT.
SEE, I KNOW THAT'S
THE PAIN TALKING
SO I'M...
HOW DID YOU KNOW
ABOUT MY "THEM"?
DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?
"PLEASE COUNT
BACKWARDS FROM 100."
YOU'RE MY ANESTHESIOLOGIST?
I WASN'T GOING TO SAY A WORD
BUT THEN YOU BROUGHT
UP THAT SPICY FOOD
AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO
EAT THAT WHEN YOU'VE GOT THEM.
IT'LL GIVE YOU A
BAD CASE OF THOSE
AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT THAT.
YOU SEE MY BEHIND AND I DON'T
EVEN KNOW YOUR ZODIAC SIGN.
CANCER.
AND MY NAME IS CHARLES.
COME ON, COME ON.
KHADIJAH, IN THE OPERATING ROOM
ALL BACKSIDES LOOK
THE SAME TO ME.
EXCEPT FOR THAT OLD
GUY FROM PITTSBURGH.
NOW, HE...
BUT YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT
RIGHT BEFORE DINNER.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SKIP DINNER.
IN FACT, I DON'T THINK I'LL BE
HUNGRY FOR TWO TO THREE YEARS.
YOU KNOW, KHADIJAH,
JUST BECAUSE I'M AN EXPERT
AT MAKING PEOPLE
NUMB, DOESN'T MEAN I...
I DON'T FEEL PAIN.
YOU REALLY REACHED
OUT FOR THAT ONE.
YOU KEEP SAYING
NO, I'LL GET CORNY.
NO. I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE
THAT MUCH PAIN
TWICE IN ONE WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
GREAT.
NOW, HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE
WITHOUT RUNNING INTO
THAT LITTLE EAVESDROPPER?
Ivan: I HEARD THAT.
YEP, THERE'S DEFINITELY
SOMETHING SINISTER GOING ON
WITH THE BRIDE AND
GROOM OF DOOM.
FIRST OF ALL THE
DOORBELL'S WARPED.
THEN THE PHONE GOES OUT
AND ALL DAY LONG, I HAD A
HANKERING FOR DEVILED HAM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
OVERTON, THERE IS A
HUGE SPIDER IN MY BEDROOM
AND I COULD SWEAR IT
SPUN A WEB THAT SAID...
"GET OUT."
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO GO ON
UP AND CHECK THIS OUT.
NOW, IF YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING
I EITHER BRUISED MY
SHIN OR I GOT COCOONED.
MAN, THAT IS IT.
I'M NOT DOING THIS
COCKAMAMIE WEDDING FROM HELL.
HELLO.
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
THIS IS REGINE.
THANKS.
UH... YEAH.
MAY THE DEAD RISE
UP AND MEET YOU TOO.
THEY ARE TRIPLING MY FEE.
THEY LOVED MY IDEA OF THROWING
THE BOUQUET INTO AN OPEN GRAVE.
YEAH, REGINE, THAT WAS A
DIABOLICAL‐LOOKING SPIDER
BUT NEAR AS I CAN MAKE OUT,
THE WEB SAID, "BOSS HAWG."
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT PHONE?
YOU KNOW IT'S DISCONNECTED.
REGINE, LOOKS LIKE YOUR
CALLING CIRCLE INCLUDES SATAN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN
TO THE GREENWICH
VILLAGE HALLOWEEN PARADE.
I MUST HAVE COUNTED
ABOUT 15 LADY GODIVAS.
AT LEAST TWO OF THEM WERE WOMEN.
AH, MAN.
WELL, UM...
I, UH, HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
I DID.
I REALLY, REALLY DID.
WELL, UM... GOOD NIGHT.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU
AT THE HOSPITAL CHARITY
CARNIVAL THIS WEEKEND.
OH, COOL. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
OKAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YOU KNOW, KHADIJAH, I
JUST RAN INTO YOUR FRIEND
AND I'M ASTONISHED TO
SAY THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE HIM.
YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT YOUR
AVERAGE SCHLEPROCK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE AVERAGE SCHLEPROCK.
SO, KHADIJAH, IS DR. CHARLES
YOUR R. X. FOR LOVE?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, WE'VE GONE
OUT THREE TIMES
IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS,
AND IT'S ALWAYS GREAT
BUT WHEN HE MOVES
IN FOR THAT KISS
ALL I COULD THINK
ABOUT IS HOW WE MET.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T
EXACTLY SEE MY BEST SIDE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, GIRL.
I COULD NEVER DATE
MY GYNECOLOGIST.
IF WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
THE PEOPLE YOU COULD NOT DATE
ALLOW ME TO
RETRIEVE A PHONE BOOK.
SO CHARLES SAW YOU
WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN.
IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY
TIME I WAS EMBARRASSED
I COULD BUY A BIG HOUSE, A CAR,
ONE OF THOSE RIDING MOWERS.
MAYBE WITH A LITTLE
SIDECAR FOR OBIE, YOU KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'M PROUD TO SAY I DON'T.
OKAY. MAYBE IT WOULD
HELP IF YOU IMAGINE CHARLES
IN SOME EQUALLY
EMBARRASSING SITUATION.
UH, MAYBE‐MAYBE
SITTING ON THE JOHN
WEARING, UH... I DON'T
KNOW‐‐ ANTLERS, HIP BOOTS.
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S GOOD
BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED
SOMETHING EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS.
Maxine: KYLE.
TELL KHADIJAH WHAT KIND
OF DRAWERS YOU WEAR.
NOTHING FANCY.
JUST, UH, FRENCH BOXERS
WITH A FRONT PLEAT AND
ADJUSTABLE WAISTBAND.
SILK, OF COURSE.
WHY?
THAT JUST MAY WORK.
COME ON, COME ON.
AW...! OH...!
AH, MAN!
OH, MAN, ROBBED AGAIN.
YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
THIS IS THE STRANGEST CARNIVAL
I HAVE EVER BEEN TO.
I LIKE THE "GUESS YOUR
CHOLESTEROL" BOOTH
BUT I AM GLAD I PASSED
ON THAT MYSTERY
ORGANS SQUEEZE BOX.
TELL YOU WHAT,
YOU WANT TO GO VISIT
THE KISSING BOOTH?
THEY GOT A KISSING BOOTH?
NO. BUT GIVE ME A BUCK
AND WE COULD START ONE UP.
KHADIJAH, COME ON,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I MEAN, IF IT'S MY BREATH,
YOU KNOW, JUST TELL ME.
I'LL BREATHE AFTER THE DATE.
LOOK, LOOK, CHARLES
LET'S DEAL WITH THE REAL, OKAY?
NOW, THE FIRST TIME WE MET
IT WASN'T EXACTLY FACE TO FACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M HAVING A LITTLE
PROBLEM GETTING PAST THAT.
SO WOULD IT MAKE
YOU FEEL ANY BETTER
IF I DROP MY PANTS
AND PASSED OUT?
I TRIED THAT IN MY HEAD, BUT
THE ANTLERS GOT IN THE WAY.
THE...
I TELL YOU WHAT, W‐W‐WE
STILL GOT A LOT OF TICKETS.
WHY DON'T WE GO OVER THERE
AND COUNT THE EYEBALLS
OUT IN THE JAR, OKAY?
WELL, THE BATTING CAGE IS OPEN.
I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A FEW SWINGS?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GO AHEAD.
NOW, YOU KNOW I CAN'T...
GET IN THERE AND MAKE
YOUR GRANDDADDY PROUD.
OKAY.
SATCHEL PAIGE, LOOK OUT.
ALL RIGHT NOW, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
THAT MACHINE...
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
THE MACHINE WASN'T THROWING THEM
OVER THE PLATE.
I SAID A FAST BALL!
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRET, HUH?
I'M A LITTLE ATHLETICALLY
CHALLENGED.
I WANTED TO BE A SURGEON
BUT I KEPT DROPPING THE SCALPEL.
IT'S OKAY.
OH, MAN.
DANG. YOU KNOW WHAT?
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE A KLUTZ,
KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THE WAY WE STARTED OUT.
REALLY?
IN THAT CASE, I
SUCK AT FOOTBALL.
I CAN'T CHANGE A
FLAT TO SAVE MY LIFE
AND I ACTUALLY SPRAINED MY
ANKLE ONCE PLAYING DOMINOES.
WHAT'S NEXT?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A
HELMET TO MAKE TOAST?
WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU.
DAMN, YOU DON'T
KISS LIKE A KLUTZ.
I CAN ALWAYS USE A
LITTLE MORE PRACTICE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY! SO HOW WAS THE WEDDING?
FABULOUS.
I KNOCKED THEM EVEN DEADER.
SO WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
A GIFT FROM THE GHOULY‐WEDS.
AH... "TO REGINE, WITH THANKS"
FOR MAKING OUR
SPECIAL DAY A LIVING HELL."
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
WOO‐HOO!