Living Single (1993–1998): Season 4, Episode 20 - Living Single Undercover - full transcript

'With the sixth pick..'

Uh, the NFL Draft?

You don't even
care about football.

True, but I do care about

the next crop of
muscle‐bound millionaires

and where they're gonna live.

"LaShawn Wallace to Denver."

Oh, oh, I could live in Denver.

With his contract
you could buy Denver.

What's up, people, other
than my new en vume.

Check it out,
stand in line to feel



the velvet.

Go on, do it yourself.

Doesn't anybody read anymore?

Hey.

Hey, what's wrong, Obie?

You know how I haven't
been able to stomach football

since the Browns left Cleveland
and became the Baltimore Ravens.

Well, at least you
can say Browns now.

You know, I was getting
tired of you calling them.

"The team that was formerly
known as a paper bag color."

I mean, what
happened to the sport?

You know, all these
teams movin' around.

You got the Oakland Traitors

the Indianapolis
Bolts, what's next?



The Seattle See‐ya‐hawks?

If you want your
little team back

why don't you just start
a letter writing campaign?

They'll be so stunned to
learn a Browns' fan could write

they just might do somethin'.

Well, I've written
over 291 letters

without nary a response.

And next time your
Epilady breaks down

I ain't fixin' it, fuzzy.

You know, Overton,
there's strength in numbers.

Maybe you should put together
a group of people like you.

You know, Browns' fans.

No life!

Your, um, sarcasm aside

that's a pretty good idea.

Get a room full of Browns fans

man, there ain't
nothin' we can't do.

Uh, yes, there is, this time

there will be no
bobbing for dog biscuits

in the bathtub.

Woof! Woof! Bow‐bow!

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a
90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life
gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girl standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want,
girlfriend cause it's your world ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Hey, I thought you
had a date tonight.

What, no dress, no
jewelry, no cleave.

Well, according to "How To
Catch That Brother For Keeps"

a woman should not go
out of her way to impress

a man on the first date.

He on the sorry side, huh?

Yep.

But, hey, he's got tickets
to the Fugees concert, right?

Damn, dinggity,
damnitty, damn it!

Hey, I didn't know you could
conjugate the word "Damn."

Shut up, shorty‐by‐nature.

Now, somebody is
rippin' off the schools

and for some reason my
constituents seem to think

that Alderwoman Shaw
should get to the bottom of it.

The nerve of those voters.

Electing you to office
and actually expectin' you

to do somethin'.

Can you dig it, alright?

Now, they‐they just dropped a
whole load of dough down there

but no seems to know
where the shemangees went.

Now, what am I supposed to do

about there not
being enough books

chocolate milk or
condoms for the kiddies?

Tell 'em to share
books and not booty.

Let me get this right.

You sayin' the
money was allocated

but nobody knows where it went?

Yes.

Ah, I smell an
expose for "Flavor."

And I could help you, too.

Mm, that never occurred to me.

Okay, I'll need a
list of your contacts..

A copy of the city's budget..

And a great photo
for the cover..

Well, I bet that's my date.

That's a brand‐new Jaguar XJS!

Oh, no, I‐I got to
slap on some make‐up

and p‐put on some real clothes.

She's pretty good.

Only thing is the
Jaguar's driving off

and her date is gettin'
out of a Chevette

with a trash bag where
the window used to be.

What's happening there, dimples?

Oh, good morning,
may I help you?

Yes, you may, bam!

I'm Tyrone Richardson,
the new writer.

Well, how nice for you.

I'm Synclaire, the
old office manager.

Well, not really the
old office manager

because I'm not that old

and certainly it's
not an old office.

There's brand‐new
furniture, all very nice.. Oh.

Wild guess, wild guess.

You related to the boss?

Are you Ty Richardson?

We met at the National
Black Journalists Convention.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Who could forget a face
as beautiful as yours?

Could you tell Khadijah
James I'm here, please?

Certainly, Khadijah,
there's a Ty Richardson

here to see you.

You know what it is? You
went from beautiful to just fine!

Oh, my gorsch,
it's Ty Richardson!

What's up, homie? You get
the interviews nobody can get.

Nelson Mandela,
Castro, the Artist.

So, what brings you here?

Well, your partners
down at Global Publishing

met by salary demands and
they told me to start today.

So, congratulations,
everybody, here I is!

Really?

Well, did the people at
Global say anything to you

about tellin' my ass?

Jeremy Mills, please.

Oh, there's confusion

and for once I'm not involved.

Yeah, Jeremy

where do you get
off hirin' my staff?

I know he's good.

Look..

Okay, he's exceptional.

Well..

Okay, well, he's hired

and don't you dare
fight me on this.

Alright, then

let's welcome our new reporter.

Give him a pencil and
clear off the donut table.

Alright, well,
welcome aboard, Ty.

Just don't be thinking about
pushin' up our Khadijah.

We already got the
wedding planned.

Listen, Ty, regardless
to who hired you

this is my magazine, okay?

See this pencil? Mine.

This paper? Mine.

This troll here?

You can have this.

Hey, look, Khadijah,
I'm just here

to add a little bit of
funk to "Flavor." Okay?

Alright, let's get
you an assignment

so, you can get
hell out of here.

This is mine, this is mine.

I got this one, I
gotta do this one‐‐.

Hey, check this
out, check this out.

How 'bout a article
on the misappropriation

of public school funds?

Well, that's my cover story, I
already have a couple of calls

into the city's
purchasing director.

‐ Wallace Doolittle? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ You called him? ‐ Yeah.

That's cute. That's real cute.

You see, you shoulda tracked
him down at his favorite bar

and bought him
tequila all night like I did.

That brother spilled his guts.

Then he staggered
to the bathroom

and he spilled his guts again!

Okay, the story's yours.
Let me just get you my notes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, if I take your notes

that means I have
to share the byline.

Tyrone Richardson
flies solo, baby.

Alright, I need that
article by Friday at five.

Oh, that's a no‐can‐do, I
promised Naomi Campbell

a foot massage at five.

I'll have it at four.

Ooh, Naomi Campbell, ooh, uh..

I could come along
and hangout, huh?

I could bring some peppermint
foot lotion, you know?

Uh, I don't know, kid

I think you should stay
here with your fiance.

‐ Fiance? ‐ Khadijah.

Uh, since you gonna have my baby

um... I think it's proper
that we get married.

You want some coffee?

Well, sweet pea,
since the meetin'

was supposed to start a hour ago

I guess nobody really cares
about the Browns anymore.

'Cept Kyle, my best buddy.

I knew you'd make it, man.

Overton, man, I was delayed

and I missed your
little get‐together.

How unfortunate.

Well, actually, you're
the first to arrive.

Oh, how unfortunate.

‐ Hey. ‐ Alright. Hey, man.

Oh, dear God

the Avon Lady
has let herself go.

Eclipse, I'm glad you
could make it, dude.

Where the rest of the crew?

Well, Red Rash and the
boys aren't gonna make it

they're watching "The
White Shadow" marathon.

Tsh, some fans they are, man.

They could've popped
in a tape like I did.

Well, Overton,
The Eclipse is here

and that's as good as having
a couple of Browns' fans, right?

Yeah, homeboy.

I don't care about no Browns.

I just want the
Ravens out of Baltimore

so my Colts can move back.

Well, let's just, um,
kick this off, shall we?

Greetings, Browns' fan.

'Colt's fan and...
person who really'

'doesn't want to be here.'

In today's mail I
received a letter

from the Ravens themselves

and I'm opening it now so
that we can all experience

the good news... together.

Hell, I'm all
goose‐pimply. Uh‐hh‐hh.

"Mr. Jones.." Tsk.

"In response to your 291 letters

"be advised that you will be
served with an harassment suit.."

"Unless you cease
and desist immediately."

"We strongly suggest
you seek therapy."

"Best wishes, the damn Ravens."

Oh, man, what a day, what a day.

I had lunch with TLC

and I played ball with BBD.

Which reminds me

Sunday I have church
with Run‐D. M. C.

Well, you had a message
from CP, Colin Powell.

He wants to know if he
can bring his four alarm

potato salad to your picnic.

Well, he can bring it, but
nobody eats it but James Brown.

James love stuff
that makes him go..

Hey!

Ty! Hey, everybody, Ty's here.

Listen, man, we've been waiting
all morning for you to tell us

how you got that exclusive
interview with Heidi Fleiss.

Okay, okay, okay, it all
started when I called her

and disguised my voice as
Charlie Sheen and said‐‐.

Get back to work.

Hey, listen, if anybody
is looking for this reporter

I'mma be out on a
dangerous assignment.

You just make sure they put
mustard on my turkey pastrami.

See, the deli's in
a very rough hood.

What's up with you, man? I
mean, y‐you're partying all night.

You roll up in here at 1
o'clock in the afternoon.

Man, you got a
story due tomorrow.

Come on, baby, don't
sweat it, I got you.

Now, if it help
you sleep at night

here's my notes.

Dry‐cleaning receipt?

Candy wrapper?

Okay, before I was
worried, now I'm scared.

Wait a minute, you took notes

on the wrapper of a
king‐sized peanut butter cup?

What's wrong with that?

I'm sayin' break a sister

off a peanut butter cup.

So, it turns out

Herman isn't some broke weirdo

he is actually quite wealthy.

And I'm actually quite busy.

The Chevette,
see, that's just a car

that he uses to drive
to his Rolls Royce.

So, you definitely
goin' to see him again?

Tsh, well, now my book says

that I shouldn't, you know,
call him for another week or so

but it doesn't say nothin'
about drivin' by his house.

Max, that means you
ain't in my apartment.

See ya.

Alright, girl, hey

I know you be workin'
all night on our story

so I brought you
a little din‐din.

It's half gone.

If traffic were any heavier

you'd be suckin' crust.

Khadijah, can you
please forgive me?

I've been swayed
by false prophets.

Ty and I were chillin'
at McGillicuddy's, right?

Now, he clocked this dude for
eating peanuts out of his bowl.

That kid has got a cover story

and he's out buck
wildin' at a bar?

You gave my story
to some peanut freak?

What the hell were
you thinking, man?

Max, just chill,
we have 18 hours

before we got to press.

Ivan, get down to that bar

and drag that fool back here.

Oh, you know, I'd do
anything for you, Khadijah

but Ty in jail.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah, well, see..

The cop that he punched
turned out to be a cop

'cause he was a, he was a
cop when he punched him.

Well, what's gonna
happen to my cover story?

More importantly

what going to happen
to Alderwoman Shaw?

Damn, dinggity,
damnitty, damn it!

Mm‐hmm. Uh‐huh.
Alright, thanks, pigeon.

I owe you one.

Well, your boy Tyrone
is definitely in lockdown

awaiting arrangement,
and that means

he'll miss the deadline
and Maxine Shaw

the Maverick will ride no more.

Whoop that, I'll write
the story my damn self.

Good, good, good.

Alright, that's what
I'm talkin' about.

What do we got?

Well, I‐I haven't been
on this thing for three days

I mean, I got a quote
from an anonymous source

and I got a possible lead from
the city's purchasing director.

‐ But.. ‐ You got squat.

Actually, I'll kill for squat.

Alright, okay, okay

it's time for Maxine Shaw

defender of the people

to spring into action.

What, are you supposed
to be, a superhero?

To some.

My cunning legal mind
will devise a scheme

to turn over the
rock of bureaucracy

exposing the worms underneath.

Let's go.

This is your plan, Max

sneaking into
city hall at night?

What's your brilliant
plan? Nothin'.

Shoot.

Janet Kirby.

Now, see my sources told me

she vacationed in the
south of France last year.

Oh, God. Yes.

Shoot, it's locked.

Oh, don't worry.

The city issued me a master key

that gets me in everywhere.

‐ Alright. ‐ We're in.

We're in.

Now, if I were a
scandalous document

where would I hide?

I wonder which one of
these desks is Janet Kirby's?

Ah! Bingo!

Let's see, maybe there's
somethin' on this computer.

You can't get to her
files with a password.

Well, maybe we
can figure it out.

Ooh, what an ugly poodle.

Poodle.

Try "Butt ugly poodle."

Come on, Max.

‐ Dog. ‐ Yeah,
brilliant, Khadijah.

The woman's embezzling
thousands of dollars

and she'd be that stupid.

Like I said,
brilliant, brilliant!

‐ Alright. ‐ Yeah.

Look at this, looks like
a second set of books.

‐ PS‐751, $10,000. ‐ Yes, yes.

‐ PS‐804.. ‐ 804..

$10,000.

PS‐804, that's in my district.

We were supposed
to get that ten grand.

All we got were a
box of used erasers

and a map of the
old Soviet Union.

Well, let's just copy this file
and get the hell out of here.

‐ Oh, hide. ‐ Hide.

Alright, freeze!

Oh..

Oh!

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

We have been up and through
this mug for over two minutes.

Officer Coleman.

What?

I am Shaw..

And this is James.

And we are from
Security Security.

Security Security.

And every arbitrary period

we do a surprise check.

Surprise!

I didn't hear anything about

any surprise check.

Hence, the word "Surprise."

Is that liquor I smell
on your breath?

Well, just a little birthday
celebration, you know.

We passed around a 40.

Oh, so you're all inebriated?

Well, I want the whole shift

in the break room
in ten minutes.

Oh, man, this
is my third strike.

Did she stutter?

Move it!

This is the tray from my
very first Browns foot long.

Ah.

Well, at least you were
able to let the dog go.

Fresh as the day..

That there is fresh
as the day I bought it.

Okay, Overton, you know what?

This Browns thing is
turning into an obsession

and I think it's
time to move on.

Aw, baby girl, I'm not
obsessed or nothin'.

I just can't stop
talkin' 'bout it.

Look, baby, I know it's
hard for you to understand

but Cleveland Municipal Stadium

was like the Mecca
of my childhood.

Everything good and
holy happened there.

Even the drunken fistfights with
the Steeler fans were magical.

But, do I have to
listen to your whining?

Oh, I'm whinin'?

Who took three days off when
they cancelled "Full House?"

Hey, man I grew
up with those twins

but I moved on.

Mm, Khadijah

I got some of
your favorite coffee

in my favorite mug

for my favorite journalist.

Too bad your favorite
journalist doesn't drink coffee.

Well, look who made bail.

Sorry for cuttin' it so close but
Todd Bridges was on "Cops."

Here's my story on disk.

You can send it right to layout.

You know, before I fire
you, I just have one question.

Who the hell do
you think you are?

Didn't you get a copy of my bio?

Look, work was bein' done
here while you were in jail

braidin' some guy's head.

Okay, look, Khadijah

that cop that I pretended
to hit, we go way back.

You see, I got locked up

so, that I can talk to
Kirby's partner in crime

who was locked
up for shopliftin'.

Well, how'd you get
anything out of him?

I convinced him that Kirby

was cuttin' him
out of the profits.

Pfft, my man opened up
like my grandfather's pants

during Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, good.

Add a couple of your quotes

and it'll make our article

that much better.

Wait a minute, what do
you mean "Our article?"

I told you, Ty Richardson
don't share no byline.

Fine, I'll take your
name off altogether.

Do we always have
to go at it like this?

Not if you give in.

Alright.

Why don't we get
started on our story?

I decide when we get started.

Okay, let's start.

Overton, there's somebody
I'd like you to meet.

'Oh!'

What the hell, Jim
Brown, how you doin'?

‐ Oh, better than
ever, baby. ‐ Alright.

I tracked Mr. Brown
down at a collectible show.

When I told him your
story, he had to come.

And I know what you're
going through, man.

I was a consultant
for the Browns

but I had to walk away
from those Ravens, man.

It just wouldn't be the same.

Yeah, I guess you understand
why the little sports fan inside me

is coughin' up blood now.

Come on, my man,
it's just a game.

I quit in my prime
pursuin' another dream

and that dream came true.

Have you seen "The
Dirty Dozen," man?

Are you kiddin'? I watch
it every New Year's Eve

with tears in my eyes.

What Mr. Brown is saying

is that I'm your new dream.

I'm your dirty dozen, Obie.

Before I go I have
something I want you to have.

Oh, man, a boxset
of all your movies

including "Slaughter,
The Director's Cut."

How can I thank you, man?

Well, just give the lady all
the love that she deserves.

‐ Okay? ‐ Thank you, Jim.

‐ 'Alright.' ‐ Oh, alright.

Hey, Overton

from now on I want you to watch.

"Original Gangstas"
on New Year's Eve.

OG.

Alright, but who wants
to wait till New Year's Eve

uh, let's go watch this now.

Come on, let's go then.

Woo‐hoo!