Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 4 - Grumpy Old Man - full transcript
There we go. Uh‐huh.
What are you doin'?
I'm catching the dust
before it lands on anything.
Why do you even
bother to fake it?
Because it annoys you.
Good morning!
Don't even try tellin' me those
things followed you home.
I went to buy Kyle a
plant for his birthday.
I decided to adopt
these others as pets.
Oh, sure, they
don't kick their leg
when you scratch their belly
but the unconditional
love is the same.
Not to mention they don't lick
themselves in front of company.
You know, people live longer
when they're around plants.
‐ Really? ‐ I'm guessing.
Alright. So, anyway,
on my way home..
I got real acquainted
with these guys
and I'd like you two to tell
them a little about yourselves.
Come on! Come.
Regine?
It was dominating
the conversation.
Hi, I'm Khadijah.
And, uh, I'll be
taking care of you
after they cart
her off to Bellevue.
What's that?
What you worried about?
I'm the one that's
related to her.
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh in a nineties
kinda world ♪
♪ I'm glad I've got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up what ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪
♪ No free position ♪
♪ Ha‐aa ♪
Well, you're still here.
Oh, well, Max, look at you.
Up at the crack of lunch.
Do you see any gray hairs?
Believe me, you don't have
to worry about going gray.
‐ Really? ‐ No.
It's one of the benefits
of premature balding.
‐ Yeah. Oh.. ‐ Uhh..
Uh..
Um, y‐y‐you don't feel
any love handles
down there, do you?
No, I can't feel anything
through that roll of fat.
You should really think
about working for Hallmark.
Is all this funk about
you turnin' 30 tomorrow?
I have no problem with that.
Well, then why do you keep
saying that you're turning
twenty‐nine and three
hundred and sixty‐five days?
I work with numbers. Eh.
Well, then you've known
for some time that 30
is the number right after
29. What is the problem?
I'm never going to be
a pro ballplayer, okay?
There, now you know.
Oh, Kyle. Your
nickname is Shorty.
Maxine, I am older than almost
everybody on the Orlando Magic.
I'm older than most cops.
Hell, I'm older
than "Boyz II Men."
Look, c‐can we just
change the subject?
Uh, sure. Fine with me.
So, um, what are
you doin' tomorrow?
Continuing to enjoy my 20s.
Well, do you have any idea
what people that we may know
are planning on doing tomorrow?
Is there anything in particular
you would like them
to be doing tomorrow?
Well, I don't want a party.
What kind of party
don't you want?
Um, something
opulent, yet refined.
Something
dignified, yet jubilant.
Sort of like the
election of a Pope.
Exactly.
And whatever you do, make sure.
Overton doesn't throw
another bowlin' party.
I don't think I can take
another 21‐lane salute.
Does it ever bother you that you
goin' out with an older man?
Not at all. I've always
wanted a father figure. Now..
Let's celebrate the
last days of your 20s
by taking advantage of
your waning sexual ability.
Oh, you are going
to regret that.
This Dustbuster
manual is fascinatin'.
Did you know that dust mites
are distantly related
to sea monkeys?
Eat, eat! You're
looking so droopy.
What do you want, your leaves
should be eaten by ladybugs?
Your mother's getting upset.
You have sex with a man.
Decide to see him exclusively.
Let him set up a Waterpik
at your apartment.
And all of a sudden, he
thinks it's a relationship.
‐ Is this about Kyle? ‐ Yes.
I don't wanna hear it.
Oh, Khadijah,
that's not very nice.
Well, neither is
this relationship.
Kyle is like a brother to
me and Max is like a sister.
Oh, the whole thing
just turns my stomach.
Well, just the thought of Max
as a sister makes me sick.
The man keeps hinting around
about wanting a birthday party.
And he wants me to
put it together for him.
Well, you are his girl.
He's poisoned your mind too.
Look, this relationship
is just too much work.
You've got to be caring.
You've got to communicate.
You've got to throw a party.
‐ You've got to‐‐ ‐ Buy a gift.
Damn, does he expect
me to buy him a gift too?
I mean, I definitely got to
get rid of him by Christmas.
Okay, now, relax your
little green muscles.
Relax.
You know, uh, you
could pretend that
I'm a azalea just
starvin' for sunshine.
Overton, what are you
gettin' Kyle for his birthday?
Shorty and I have a system.
This year, I'm getting
him a heavy‐duty Sawzall.
And for my birthday, I can
look forward to a silk jacket
two sizes too small.
Well, can I get in on
that Sawzall with ya?
Max, you have to buy something
a little more
romantic than that.
Romantic.. A stripper.
Tell me something
that a man wants to see
more than a naked woman.
A naked woman with
Super Bowl tickets.
Naw, what Kyle needs
is something that'll
make him feel better
about turning the big three‐oh.
You know, studies
show that a man's grip
is stronger in his thirties
than any time in his life.
So, I say, we get
him one of those
Lou Ferrigno Incredible
Hulk master grip sets.
That way, he can
feel like a kid again
you know, from the
wrist down, anyway.
Well, I'm just gonna throw
him a party. That's gift enough.
Hey, well, look here,
you just say the word
and I'll whip up
one of my fantastic
bowling birthday parties.
He doesn't want one of those.
How do you know?
He told me.
Okay, y'all, so,
what kind of party
do you throw for somebody
who is dreading their birthday?
Don't ask me.
I haven't enjoyed my birthday
since I was eight years old.
Remember with the
Chuck E. Cheeses?
‐ Yeah! ‐ We ate some pizza.
And then we ripped the
costume off the mouse.
And that's when we found out
that Reverend Roberts
was moonlighting.
Come on, there's
nothing exciting
about birthdays anymore.
When you're a kid,
you get to look forward
to cake and musical chairs.
When you're 18, you get to vote.
When you're 21,
you get to drink.
After that, just pick yourself
up a box of laxatives
get your dentures at
the door and stop trippin'.
Hey! I got a good idea.
Why don't we throw a‐a party
for Kyle like when we were kids?
You know, with balloons
and Pin the Tail on the Donkey
and, and, and Chutes and
Ladders and Candy Land, and‐‐.
Candy Land?
A party like that for Kyle?
The man owns an ascot.
Don't be so focused on Kyle.
This could be a way for
us to relive our childhood.
Yeah, alright, good point.
And if this party
doesn't make him happy
it'll at least work his nerves.
Either way, my job is done.
Okay, check this out.
This is William
Shatner in "Star Trek I."
Two, three, four.
"T.J. Hooker."
Five. "Rescue 911."
You know, we at
least put the photo
of little Kyle in a bowtie
looking like he's about to
sell somebody a beanbag.
Oh, what is it, my
beautiful botanist?
My daisies.
They've gone to the big
macrame plant holder in the sky.
‐ Sorry to hear
that. ‐ Yeah, me too.
I was kinda hoping there'd
be no macrame in heaven.
Attention, everyone.
Thank you.
As you all can see, we
have suffered a terrible loss.
But it is Kyle's birthday.
And, um, you know,
the party must go on.
I believe the brothers Vladimir
would have wanted it that way.
Surprise!
Surprise, surprise.
Oh, alright. What do you think?
Yeah, well, when you
called me down here
for absolutely no
reason.. Hi, good to see ya.
Um, I suspected
it would be a party.
But, uh, what the hell is this?
Smile!
O‐or do that!
Hey, Mr. 30‐year‐old,
how ya doin'?
Woo‐ho‐oh‐oh. You could
hurt somebody with that grip, huh?
Thanks for the Sawzall, man.
And you know,
engraving your name on it
that was a nice touch.
Kyle! Hey, honey,
happy birthday.
Well, tha..
Happy birthday.
It's a money clip to
hold all of that dough
you're going to
make in your 30s.
Ah. Sweet.
And this is to get Regine back.
No. No. No, no!
Hey, Kyle, I mean, uh, I
pretended to enjoy puttin'
this, all of this together.
So, the least you can do is
pretend to enjoy being here.
You know, I'm
really not up for this.
I think Imma gonna
go back upstairs.
Well, you can't leave now.
Um, you haven't
played with the Slinky.
I've slunk.
Hey, hey, hey, birthday
boy. How 'bout a drink?
I fear I'd never stop.
Now, now, no
birthday boy can resist
a game of Barnyard Twister!
Hey, you know you were the
Lafayette Elementary School.
Twister champion.
‐ Three years in a
row. ‐ That's right!
‐ Oh, alright, one
game. ‐ Alright.
Oh, good. I'll just
do the spinner
'cause ever since I
saw that movie "Babe"
I have a real problem
steppin' on barnyard animals
you know.
Go get the cake.
I hate getting the cake!
You've got to keep the candles
burning, lead the singing.
And you get that cake
line across your chest.
Then get your butt
down here on the mat.
I gotta get the cake.
Alright, players,
take your places.
‐ Alright. ‐ You
know I can handle it.
‐ Yeah! ‐ Alright, ready?
‐ Here we go! ‐ De‐bee‐dum‐dum.
‐ Right hand.. Cow. ‐ Alright.
Okay, okay. And,
now, left foot, rabbit.
Alrighty.
Not bad for an old fogey, huh?
Yeah, I'd be a lot
more impressed
if your butt wasn't
all up in my face.
‐ Okay! Left hand,
pig! ‐ Mm‐hmm.
Oink, oink, oink, go get
the one right next to you.
That's too easy.
This will make me the once
and future all‐time
Twister champion.
‐ Ahh! ‐ Oh..
Oh, my back.
Happy birthday to,
uh, what happened?
Oh, I'm old.
You ain't gotta tell me that.
This cake can light
up New York City.
Oh, it's a thing.
Kyle Barker felled
by Barnyard Twister.
Man, you shoulda known.
It's one of the unwritten
rules of the game.
Never pick the distant hog.
‐ Oww! ‐ Ow.
Oh! Yee, you really are in pain.
You're just not doin' this
to make me feel guilty.
Oh, that's a load off my mind.
Oh, come on, Shorty,
give me your arm.
Look, when‐when I
need help, I'll ask for it.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Oh!
See?
Okay. Bye‐bye, everyone.
Is there anything
that I can do for ya?
Yeah, you do any more
I'll need an ambulance.
See? We should've
thrown a 70s party.
Oh, but, no, no, no.
He would've fallen
off his platforms.
It's been almost
30 minutes, now.
I don't think
Kyle's comin' back.
Twenty minutes is
Shorty's usual sulkin' time.
After that, he starts to worry
that people might've
stopped talking about him.
Man, I should've
followed my heart
and gotten him a stripper.
Don't be so hard
on yourself, Max.
If Twister crippled him, a
stripper woulda killed him.
Well, you know, I think
somebody should go upstairs
and check on him.
It's one of 'em
girlfriend things, right?
I've definitely got to get
rid of him by Christmas.
Kyle has always been so secure..
Almost arrogant.
Okay, arrogant.
I don't know why
he's trippin' like this.
Turning 30 can
be very difficult.
That's why I simply refuse.
Well, personally, I'm
lookin' forward to turning 30.
Why is that, Obie?
'Cause I'm a optimist.
I look forward to
damn near anything.
Well, I know why I'm
lookin' forward to turnin' 30.
Twenty‐year‐old men..
Looking for Mrs. Robinson.
Gone.
They're all gone.
I managed to kill 15
plants in two days.
Well, it's a good thing
you can't kill a ca..
That's a nice pot, Synclaire.
You know, I'm like
the Charles Manson
of the plant world.
Synclaire, don't‐don't
think of the plants as dead.
Think of them as alive
in a brown, droopy..
Actually startin' to
smells kind of way.
Well, why me? What'd I do?
What didn't you do?
Look, if you weren't stuffin'
plant food down their roots
you were singin' to
them or trying to rap.
The things committed plant‐icide
to get away from you.
So cheer up, honey,
don't think of yourself
as the Charles Manson
of the plant world.
More like the Doctor
Kevorkian. Ha, ha.
You ingrates!
I gave you the best
48 hours of my life.
Well, how would
you like wakin' up
in the dumpster tomorrow?
To the dumpster with ya.
She wonders why we
won't let her get a puppy.
Well, no sign of Kyle upstairs.
You think he could
be in my apartment?
Only if he's torching it.
Someone should
go and look for Kyle.
Me again.
Does my responsibility
for this man ever end?
Do you have four
quarters for a dollar?
What's the point, man?
My life is just like those
clothes spinnin' away
in that dryer, goin'
round and round..
Until they're all dried
out and their time is up.
Thirtieth birthday, huh?
How'd you know?
The "Kiss me, I'm 30"
hat kinda gave it away.
Yeah, it was tough on me too.
Yeah, but with a little time
you were able to
get some perspective
and realize that getting
older wasn't so bad, right?
Not at all.
'Thirty is the turning point.'
After that, it's just the
loss of one bodily function
after another..
As you make your slow
march toward death.
Yup, agein' is a bitch.
First, my eyesight went.
Then, my hearing, and..
Don't get me started
on my prostate.
Hey, it's as big
as a grapefruit.
I'll tell you.
‐ Liquids'll go in‐‐ ‐
Yea‐yea‐yea‐yeah.
‐ But they don't come out right.
‐ Yea‐yea‐yea‐hey‐hey‐hey!
Hey‐hey, hey!
You know, it's‐it's
really nice of you
to do your, your
wife's fine washables.
Oh, actually.. Wife
passed in '81, so..
‐ Oh. ‐ These are mine.
See, the one
benefit of getting old
is that you get to do
whatever you wanna do.
There you are!
Hey, what gives..
I didn't think I'd find you.
Yeah, I was kinda
hoping you wouldn't.
So, how's your back?
It still hurts a little, but
I'm more embarrassed
than anything else.
Alright, um, listen, um..
I have a feeling that
mocking you won't work
so, I have absolutely
no idea what to say.
But...
I really want to be with
you on your birthday.
Thanks, Max.
Now, what the hell
is wrong with you?
I don't‐I don't know, I..
I guess I just thought I'd be
in a different place by now.
So, you brought your
ass to a laundromat?
No, my goal was
to be vice president
of the brokerage firm
by the time I was 30.
I was vice president
of my ad agency at 28.
I was up for partner
at 26, alright?
‐ What's that. ‐ Oh,
sorry, I'm competitive.
Competitive. Competitive.
Okay. I'm listening.
I mean, you know, I've been
a wonder kid my whole life.
I mean, I was the youngest
in my class at business school.
I was the youngest broker to
get a multimillion‐dollar account.
Hell, I was doing my parent's
taxes by the time I was 14.
Now, I'm just a
moderately successful..
Impeccably dressed
middle‐aged man.
Well, what's wrong with that?
It's not Kyle Barker.
At least not the Kyle
Barker I wanna be.
I guess this'd be a good
time to give you your gift
so, close your eyes.
‐ C.. Wh.. ‐ No,
close them, close them.
Oh, goodness.
Okay, open 'em.
Alright, so, maybe you
haven't reached every goal
that you set for yourself
by 30. I'm sorry about that.
But, as for your personal life
you know you couldn't
be doin' better. You know?
I mean, if you were
the immature guy
the Kyle Barker that I first met
who couldn't handle dating
a woman with her own mind
you wouldn't be with me.
So, ta‐da!
Happy birthday.
Cheer the hell up.
Come here.
That was so sweet.
And so cheap. Woo!
That was cheap.
‐ Sweet and cheap,
huh? ‐ Yeah. Look at you.
Well, I guess there is
something to be said
about this gettin'
old thing, huh?
‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh, that's right!
Just promise me that
when you get to be his age
that you won't go
out in that outfit.
Without a good set of
pearls and some pumps.
We'll be right back.
More jars!
Someone bring me more jars.
Kyle, there are no
more jars in this city.
What?
But my aunt Pandora
sent over this box.
Can you open it
with your mighty grip?
She says there's
hope at the bottom.
Stand back, Overton.
Ain't nothin' in
the bottom there
but a little woman
on a windmill.
Woo‐hoo!
What are you doin'?
I'm catching the dust
before it lands on anything.
Why do you even
bother to fake it?
Because it annoys you.
Good morning!
Don't even try tellin' me those
things followed you home.
I went to buy Kyle a
plant for his birthday.
I decided to adopt
these others as pets.
Oh, sure, they
don't kick their leg
when you scratch their belly
but the unconditional
love is the same.
Not to mention they don't lick
themselves in front of company.
You know, people live longer
when they're around plants.
‐ Really? ‐ I'm guessing.
Alright. So, anyway,
on my way home..
I got real acquainted
with these guys
and I'd like you two to tell
them a little about yourselves.
Come on! Come.
Regine?
It was dominating
the conversation.
Hi, I'm Khadijah.
And, uh, I'll be
taking care of you
after they cart
her off to Bellevue.
What's that?
What you worried about?
I'm the one that's
related to her.
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh in a nineties
kinda world ♪
♪ I'm glad I've got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up what ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪
♪ No free position ♪
♪ Ha‐aa ♪
Well, you're still here.
Oh, well, Max, look at you.
Up at the crack of lunch.
Do you see any gray hairs?
Believe me, you don't have
to worry about going gray.
‐ Really? ‐ No.
It's one of the benefits
of premature balding.
‐ Yeah. Oh.. ‐ Uhh..
Uh..
Um, y‐y‐you don't feel
any love handles
down there, do you?
No, I can't feel anything
through that roll of fat.
You should really think
about working for Hallmark.
Is all this funk about
you turnin' 30 tomorrow?
I have no problem with that.
Well, then why do you keep
saying that you're turning
twenty‐nine and three
hundred and sixty‐five days?
I work with numbers. Eh.
Well, then you've known
for some time that 30
is the number right after
29. What is the problem?
I'm never going to be
a pro ballplayer, okay?
There, now you know.
Oh, Kyle. Your
nickname is Shorty.
Maxine, I am older than almost
everybody on the Orlando Magic.
I'm older than most cops.
Hell, I'm older
than "Boyz II Men."
Look, c‐can we just
change the subject?
Uh, sure. Fine with me.
So, um, what are
you doin' tomorrow?
Continuing to enjoy my 20s.
Well, do you have any idea
what people that we may know
are planning on doing tomorrow?
Is there anything in particular
you would like them
to be doing tomorrow?
Well, I don't want a party.
What kind of party
don't you want?
Um, something
opulent, yet refined.
Something
dignified, yet jubilant.
Sort of like the
election of a Pope.
Exactly.
And whatever you do, make sure.
Overton doesn't throw
another bowlin' party.
I don't think I can take
another 21‐lane salute.
Does it ever bother you that you
goin' out with an older man?
Not at all. I've always
wanted a father figure. Now..
Let's celebrate the
last days of your 20s
by taking advantage of
your waning sexual ability.
Oh, you are going
to regret that.
This Dustbuster
manual is fascinatin'.
Did you know that dust mites
are distantly related
to sea monkeys?
Eat, eat! You're
looking so droopy.
What do you want, your leaves
should be eaten by ladybugs?
Your mother's getting upset.
You have sex with a man.
Decide to see him exclusively.
Let him set up a Waterpik
at your apartment.
And all of a sudden, he
thinks it's a relationship.
‐ Is this about Kyle? ‐ Yes.
I don't wanna hear it.
Oh, Khadijah,
that's not very nice.
Well, neither is
this relationship.
Kyle is like a brother to
me and Max is like a sister.
Oh, the whole thing
just turns my stomach.
Well, just the thought of Max
as a sister makes me sick.
The man keeps hinting around
about wanting a birthday party.
And he wants me to
put it together for him.
Well, you are his girl.
He's poisoned your mind too.
Look, this relationship
is just too much work.
You've got to be caring.
You've got to communicate.
You've got to throw a party.
‐ You've got to‐‐ ‐ Buy a gift.
Damn, does he expect
me to buy him a gift too?
I mean, I definitely got to
get rid of him by Christmas.
Okay, now, relax your
little green muscles.
Relax.
You know, uh, you
could pretend that
I'm a azalea just
starvin' for sunshine.
Overton, what are you
gettin' Kyle for his birthday?
Shorty and I have a system.
This year, I'm getting
him a heavy‐duty Sawzall.
And for my birthday, I can
look forward to a silk jacket
two sizes too small.
Well, can I get in on
that Sawzall with ya?
Max, you have to buy something
a little more
romantic than that.
Romantic.. A stripper.
Tell me something
that a man wants to see
more than a naked woman.
A naked woman with
Super Bowl tickets.
Naw, what Kyle needs
is something that'll
make him feel better
about turning the big three‐oh.
You know, studies
show that a man's grip
is stronger in his thirties
than any time in his life.
So, I say, we get
him one of those
Lou Ferrigno Incredible
Hulk master grip sets.
That way, he can
feel like a kid again
you know, from the
wrist down, anyway.
Well, I'm just gonna throw
him a party. That's gift enough.
Hey, well, look here,
you just say the word
and I'll whip up
one of my fantastic
bowling birthday parties.
He doesn't want one of those.
How do you know?
He told me.
Okay, y'all, so,
what kind of party
do you throw for somebody
who is dreading their birthday?
Don't ask me.
I haven't enjoyed my birthday
since I was eight years old.
Remember with the
Chuck E. Cheeses?
‐ Yeah! ‐ We ate some pizza.
And then we ripped the
costume off the mouse.
And that's when we found out
that Reverend Roberts
was moonlighting.
Come on, there's
nothing exciting
about birthdays anymore.
When you're a kid,
you get to look forward
to cake and musical chairs.
When you're 18, you get to vote.
When you're 21,
you get to drink.
After that, just pick yourself
up a box of laxatives
get your dentures at
the door and stop trippin'.
Hey! I got a good idea.
Why don't we throw a‐a party
for Kyle like when we were kids?
You know, with balloons
and Pin the Tail on the Donkey
and, and, and Chutes and
Ladders and Candy Land, and‐‐.
Candy Land?
A party like that for Kyle?
The man owns an ascot.
Don't be so focused on Kyle.
This could be a way for
us to relive our childhood.
Yeah, alright, good point.
And if this party
doesn't make him happy
it'll at least work his nerves.
Either way, my job is done.
Okay, check this out.
This is William
Shatner in "Star Trek I."
Two, three, four.
"T.J. Hooker."
Five. "Rescue 911."
You know, we at
least put the photo
of little Kyle in a bowtie
looking like he's about to
sell somebody a beanbag.
Oh, what is it, my
beautiful botanist?
My daisies.
They've gone to the big
macrame plant holder in the sky.
‐ Sorry to hear
that. ‐ Yeah, me too.
I was kinda hoping there'd
be no macrame in heaven.
Attention, everyone.
Thank you.
As you all can see, we
have suffered a terrible loss.
But it is Kyle's birthday.
And, um, you know,
the party must go on.
I believe the brothers Vladimir
would have wanted it that way.
Surprise!
Surprise, surprise.
Oh, alright. What do you think?
Yeah, well, when you
called me down here
for absolutely no
reason.. Hi, good to see ya.
Um, I suspected
it would be a party.
But, uh, what the hell is this?
Smile!
O‐or do that!
Hey, Mr. 30‐year‐old,
how ya doin'?
Woo‐ho‐oh‐oh. You could
hurt somebody with that grip, huh?
Thanks for the Sawzall, man.
And you know,
engraving your name on it
that was a nice touch.
Kyle! Hey, honey,
happy birthday.
Well, tha..
Happy birthday.
It's a money clip to
hold all of that dough
you're going to
make in your 30s.
Ah. Sweet.
And this is to get Regine back.
No. No. No, no!
Hey, Kyle, I mean, uh, I
pretended to enjoy puttin'
this, all of this together.
So, the least you can do is
pretend to enjoy being here.
You know, I'm
really not up for this.
I think Imma gonna
go back upstairs.
Well, you can't leave now.
Um, you haven't
played with the Slinky.
I've slunk.
Hey, hey, hey, birthday
boy. How 'bout a drink?
I fear I'd never stop.
Now, now, no
birthday boy can resist
a game of Barnyard Twister!
Hey, you know you were the
Lafayette Elementary School.
Twister champion.
‐ Three years in a
row. ‐ That's right!
‐ Oh, alright, one
game. ‐ Alright.
Oh, good. I'll just
do the spinner
'cause ever since I
saw that movie "Babe"
I have a real problem
steppin' on barnyard animals
you know.
Go get the cake.
I hate getting the cake!
You've got to keep the candles
burning, lead the singing.
And you get that cake
line across your chest.
Then get your butt
down here on the mat.
I gotta get the cake.
Alright, players,
take your places.
‐ Alright. ‐ You
know I can handle it.
‐ Yeah! ‐ Alright, ready?
‐ Here we go! ‐ De‐bee‐dum‐dum.
‐ Right hand.. Cow. ‐ Alright.
Okay, okay. And,
now, left foot, rabbit.
Alrighty.
Not bad for an old fogey, huh?
Yeah, I'd be a lot
more impressed
if your butt wasn't
all up in my face.
‐ Okay! Left hand,
pig! ‐ Mm‐hmm.
Oink, oink, oink, go get
the one right next to you.
That's too easy.
This will make me the once
and future all‐time
Twister champion.
‐ Ahh! ‐ Oh..
Oh, my back.
Happy birthday to,
uh, what happened?
Oh, I'm old.
You ain't gotta tell me that.
This cake can light
up New York City.
Oh, it's a thing.
Kyle Barker felled
by Barnyard Twister.
Man, you shoulda known.
It's one of the unwritten
rules of the game.
Never pick the distant hog.
‐ Oww! ‐ Ow.
Oh! Yee, you really are in pain.
You're just not doin' this
to make me feel guilty.
Oh, that's a load off my mind.
Oh, come on, Shorty,
give me your arm.
Look, when‐when I
need help, I'll ask for it.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Oh!
See?
Okay. Bye‐bye, everyone.
Is there anything
that I can do for ya?
Yeah, you do any more
I'll need an ambulance.
See? We should've
thrown a 70s party.
Oh, but, no, no, no.
He would've fallen
off his platforms.
It's been almost
30 minutes, now.
I don't think
Kyle's comin' back.
Twenty minutes is
Shorty's usual sulkin' time.
After that, he starts to worry
that people might've
stopped talking about him.
Man, I should've
followed my heart
and gotten him a stripper.
Don't be so hard
on yourself, Max.
If Twister crippled him, a
stripper woulda killed him.
Well, you know, I think
somebody should go upstairs
and check on him.
It's one of 'em
girlfriend things, right?
I've definitely got to get
rid of him by Christmas.
Kyle has always been so secure..
Almost arrogant.
Okay, arrogant.
I don't know why
he's trippin' like this.
Turning 30 can
be very difficult.
That's why I simply refuse.
Well, personally, I'm
lookin' forward to turning 30.
Why is that, Obie?
'Cause I'm a optimist.
I look forward to
damn near anything.
Well, I know why I'm
lookin' forward to turnin' 30.
Twenty‐year‐old men..
Looking for Mrs. Robinson.
Gone.
They're all gone.
I managed to kill 15
plants in two days.
Well, it's a good thing
you can't kill a ca..
That's a nice pot, Synclaire.
You know, I'm like
the Charles Manson
of the plant world.
Synclaire, don't‐don't
think of the plants as dead.
Think of them as alive
in a brown, droopy..
Actually startin' to
smells kind of way.
Well, why me? What'd I do?
What didn't you do?
Look, if you weren't stuffin'
plant food down their roots
you were singin' to
them or trying to rap.
The things committed plant‐icide
to get away from you.
So cheer up, honey,
don't think of yourself
as the Charles Manson
of the plant world.
More like the Doctor
Kevorkian. Ha, ha.
You ingrates!
I gave you the best
48 hours of my life.
Well, how would
you like wakin' up
in the dumpster tomorrow?
To the dumpster with ya.
She wonders why we
won't let her get a puppy.
Well, no sign of Kyle upstairs.
You think he could
be in my apartment?
Only if he's torching it.
Someone should
go and look for Kyle.
Me again.
Does my responsibility
for this man ever end?
Do you have four
quarters for a dollar?
What's the point, man?
My life is just like those
clothes spinnin' away
in that dryer, goin'
round and round..
Until they're all dried
out and their time is up.
Thirtieth birthday, huh?
How'd you know?
The "Kiss me, I'm 30"
hat kinda gave it away.
Yeah, it was tough on me too.
Yeah, but with a little time
you were able to
get some perspective
and realize that getting
older wasn't so bad, right?
Not at all.
'Thirty is the turning point.'
After that, it's just the
loss of one bodily function
after another..
As you make your slow
march toward death.
Yup, agein' is a bitch.
First, my eyesight went.
Then, my hearing, and..
Don't get me started
on my prostate.
Hey, it's as big
as a grapefruit.
I'll tell you.
‐ Liquids'll go in‐‐ ‐
Yea‐yea‐yea‐yeah.
‐ But they don't come out right.
‐ Yea‐yea‐yea‐hey‐hey‐hey!
Hey‐hey, hey!
You know, it's‐it's
really nice of you
to do your, your
wife's fine washables.
Oh, actually.. Wife
passed in '81, so..
‐ Oh. ‐ These are mine.
See, the one
benefit of getting old
is that you get to do
whatever you wanna do.
There you are!
Hey, what gives..
I didn't think I'd find you.
Yeah, I was kinda
hoping you wouldn't.
So, how's your back?
It still hurts a little, but
I'm more embarrassed
than anything else.
Alright, um, listen, um..
I have a feeling that
mocking you won't work
so, I have absolutely
no idea what to say.
But...
I really want to be with
you on your birthday.
Thanks, Max.
Now, what the hell
is wrong with you?
I don't‐I don't know, I..
I guess I just thought I'd be
in a different place by now.
So, you brought your
ass to a laundromat?
No, my goal was
to be vice president
of the brokerage firm
by the time I was 30.
I was vice president
of my ad agency at 28.
I was up for partner
at 26, alright?
‐ What's that. ‐ Oh,
sorry, I'm competitive.
Competitive. Competitive.
Okay. I'm listening.
I mean, you know, I've been
a wonder kid my whole life.
I mean, I was the youngest
in my class at business school.
I was the youngest broker to
get a multimillion‐dollar account.
Hell, I was doing my parent's
taxes by the time I was 14.
Now, I'm just a
moderately successful..
Impeccably dressed
middle‐aged man.
Well, what's wrong with that?
It's not Kyle Barker.
At least not the Kyle
Barker I wanna be.
I guess this'd be a good
time to give you your gift
so, close your eyes.
‐ C.. Wh.. ‐ No,
close them, close them.
Oh, goodness.
Okay, open 'em.
Alright, so, maybe you
haven't reached every goal
that you set for yourself
by 30. I'm sorry about that.
But, as for your personal life
you know you couldn't
be doin' better. You know?
I mean, if you were
the immature guy
the Kyle Barker that I first met
who couldn't handle dating
a woman with her own mind
you wouldn't be with me.
So, ta‐da!
Happy birthday.
Cheer the hell up.
Come here.
That was so sweet.
And so cheap. Woo!
That was cheap.
‐ Sweet and cheap,
huh? ‐ Yeah. Look at you.
Well, I guess there is
something to be said
about this gettin'
old thing, huh?
‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh, that's right!
Just promise me that
when you get to be his age
that you won't go
out in that outfit.
Without a good set of
pearls and some pumps.
We'll be right back.
More jars!
Someone bring me more jars.
Kyle, there are no
more jars in this city.
What?
But my aunt Pandora
sent over this box.
Can you open it
with your mighty grip?
She says there's
hope at the bottom.
Stand back, Overton.
Ain't nothin' in
the bottom there
but a little woman
on a windmill.
Woo‐hoo!