Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 24 - Kiss of the Spider Man - full transcript
Hold up.
Conservative suit,
zero‐cleavage factor.
You droppin' that tired
brother Teddy tonight, huh?
I'll give you a 7.2
on the "All up in
my business" scale.
Oh, that's my cue
to be up out of here.
See, I don't wanna be here
when he starts making you guess
how many green lights
he made on the way over.
Hey, Teddy.
Guess where I found
a parking space?
Come on, guess.
Okay, across the street
and three spaces down.
Now, last time, it was across
the street and three spaces up.
Spooky, huh?
Yeah, I got a chill.
Listen, um, Teddy, come on
now, we need, uh, have a seat.
I think we need to talk..
Now, I need a favor, 'cause
my little sister, Marissa
well, her boyfriend
just broke up with her
and, well, she needs a
woman's point of view.
Alright, well, tell
her to call me.
Phones are so impersonal.
Come on, girl.
Marissa, this is my
lady friend Khadijah.
‐ Hi. ‐ She got
somethin' to tell ya.
Hey, Marissa.
So, uh, your boyfriend decided
he needed some air, huh?
I hate him.
Alright, now, just hold up now.
I know‐I know you're hurtin',
but then don't take it personal.
Listen, the important thing is
not to blame the other person.
‐ Oh. ‐ I mean, think about it.
He just made room
for the right guy
to come into your life.
Well, you know, I‐I never
thought about it like that.
Well, you should.
Shoot, everybody should.
See, Marissa, now gettin' dumped
is not the end of the world.
Sometimes it's the best
thing that can happen to ya.
Exactly.
Teddy, you got a minute?
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ And in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight with ♪
♪ My home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ What you want
no free position girl ♪
♪ Haa ♪
Woo‐hoo! Good morning, Bannon.
Yeah, say that to
my spastic colon.
Jackson Turner, huh?
The lady draws a killer.
Uh‐uh‐uh! Alleged killer.
Actually, my client is
known for preserving life
through his
organization Earth Rights.
Well, you've convinced me,
why don't I just turn my back
and slip you the key?
Jackson Turner?
Maxine Shaw, Public
Defenders Office.
Well, I am pleasantly surprised.
When they told me my lawyer
was somebody named Max Shaw
I expected a good
deal more testosterone.
Get to know me.
'Alright. Let's get started.'
The DA is looking for
a murder one conviction
on the poisoning of Clive
Winston, CEO of Richmond Mining.
Oh, this is crazy, I
wasn't even in town.
I was on the shuttle
for Washington.
Perfect, the credit card
receipts from tickets
will prove that and we can‐‐.
No, I paid cash.
Oh.
Well, did you talk to
anyone on the plane?
No, mostly I slept.
Well, I was up the whole
night before, draining mucus
from the blowhole of
a disoriented whale.
Here's what the DA's
gonna throw at you.
You threatened Winston
at a stockholder's meeting.
No, I did not threaten him.
He‐he called me a
stinkin' tree hugger
and I said I'd,
you know, kill him.
Mm‐hmm, and the police
found an engraved pen
belonging to you
at the crime scene.
No, that's impossible, I
only own one engraved pen
and I lost it.
This doesn't look good, does it?
Unh‐unh. But look..
Don't worry about your
case, that's my problem.
You just stay strong, that's
how the movement needs you.
Thank you.
I feel safe in your hands.
Oh.
Guard.
Well, you see, now, I‐I‐I‐I‐I'd
never have sex with a man
just because he offered
me a million dollars.
Hey, girl, that's
"Crimson Tide."
I know. I'm just sayin'.
‐ What's up, girl? ‐ Marissa.
Hey, what are you doin' here?
I'm bothering you.
I'm sorry, I'll just go home
and put a blanket over
my head and listen to Sade.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, come on in.
Everybody, this is Marissa.
‐ Hello. ‐ Hey, how you doin'?
Recently dumped sister
to recently dumped Teddy.
Khadijah, I brought
you a present
to thank you for helpin' me.
‐ Cornflakes? ‐ Uh‐huh.
I'll just go fix some
for you the way I like.
With milk, sugar
and a dash of parmesan cheese.
Well, I remember the
first time I got dropped.
I cried all night,
couldn't sleep.
Every song on the radio
reminded me of him.
But then my mama made
me some mac and cheese
and I knew it was
gonna be alright.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You see, the problem with that
boy was that he was immature.
Now, you take
my first boyfriend.
Ah, he was 12 and a half
but he had the presence
of a 13‐year‐old.
And the allowance.
Oh, I just spent
the last 14 hours
at the Hall of Records.
There is nothing
more exasperating
than preparing a murder case.
You ever try to
fire up a barbeque
in the middle of a light drizzle
with everybody standin'
around tellin' me.
‐ "Where's my hot link?" ‐ Obie.
‐ "Where's my hot link?" ‐ Obie.
‐ Obie, Obie, Obie.
‐ Can I get a‐‐.
We apologized for that.
Now, let's just move on now.
Max, I ain't never seen you
this worked up over a case.
I mean, what's up with
this Earth Rights guy?
The man stands for something,
the fact that he's charismatic
incredibly handsome,
and an absolute turn on
has nothing to do with anything.
Then what you doin'
with this picture of him
strollin' up out the
water in a swimsuit?
That's for
identification purposes.
You know, Max, you know
you're not supposed to get
personally involved.
I mean, suppose he's guilty?
Impossible.
Let me tell you something,
I saw that guy on TV
protesting this
cosmetics company
for testing products on rabbits.
Anybody who loves bunnies
enough to punch out six cops
is not a violent man.
Hey, hey, people. Maxine.
I have a proposition for you
and I hope you will accept.
Sure, Kyle, but you'll
have to kill me first.
Let's table that intriguing
concept until later, shall we?
Now, when I first
heard of the poisoning
of Richmond Mining CEO
I immediately pushed my clients
into more competing stocks.
So, the more the
public perceives
Richmond to be crumbling,
the better it is for me.
So, if you can find
a way to prolong..
The trial, I promise to undress
with my shades up for a week.
Sure, Kyle, just paint
a bullseye on your ass.
There's my brilliant attorney.
‐ What can I say?
‐ Don't thank me.
‐ Alright, go ahead.
‐ You are incredible.
If you hadn't tracked
down the flight attendant
who remembered how
loudly I was snoring
I'd be in the shower
playing "Hard to get"
with a big guy named Lobo.
Ah, well, I just saved your
butt, you go save the planet.
Max, there's been
something I wanted to tell you
ever since we first met.
I, uh..
Well.. Oh, hell.
Ooh.
Jackson, um, uh.
This sort of behavior
isn't‐isn't appropriate
in a correctional facility.
Obviously, you haven't met Lobo.
Jackson.
Max, you Albert Peignor
executive director
of, uh, Earth Rights?
Of course, of course, you gave
me a nuclear winter snow globe.
Thank you, Miss Shaw.
I'm sure that even those
forms of life that have no face
would be smiling in
gratitude, if they could.
‐ Thanks, Albert. ‐ Jackson.
We really should be
getting back to the office.
Lisa wants to brief you on
the Shenandoah operation.
‐ That can wait. ‐ Uh.. Ahem.
But, uh, I brought the solar
car and it looks like rain.
I said it'll wait.
I've been known to make
an ecologically responsible
eggplant casserole
that'll knock your socks off.
I live upstate about an hour
from here. Care to join me?
Well, I, I mean, I
don't know, I mean.
I have cases that
I should be doing.
Ever been out with a guy
who just got out of prison?
Uh‐huh. Let's go.
Oh, goodness.
The air must really be thin
up here, I'm out of breath.
Well, now, we're even.
You've been taking
my breath away all day.
Hey!
What kind of
peekaboo freak are you?
Oh, oh, that's to
record the mating habits
of my little friends here.
Oh, damn, whoo.
Couldn't you just get a dog?
Arachnus Nimbius..
Aka Caracas sand spiders.
They're this close
to becoming extinct.
Oh, I hate spiders,
ever since one bit me
and my checks swelled
up like Dizzy Gillespie's.
Be glad it wasn't one of these.
You would have been
dead in 15 minutes.
Listen, I better get the
groceries out of the truck.
Coyotes have been known
to go through a windshield
for bean curd.
Oh, my God!
Spiders, coyote.
Sasquatch.
‐ Max Shaw here. ‐ Hey, Max.
It's, uh, Robin,
over at forensics.
We nailed down which
poison took Winston out.
Oh, yeah? I thought you said
Winston was killed by arsenic.
It looked like arsenic,
but it turned out
to be the venom of a
rare poisonous spider
found only in Venezuela.
The Ca..
The C‐Caracas the
Caracas sand spider?
Hey, how did you know?
Just a feelin' in the
pit of my stomach.
Get out.
No. Another way in.
Oh, my God, no sign of madness.
Oh!
What are you doing?
Oh, okay.
Uh, uh, didn't you
didn't you yell fire?
‐ What? ‐ Well, nothing.
Look, look, look, look,
Jackson, you know.
I, I have to go, um,
this, this, this whole thing
is just moving,
moving way too fast.
Alright, you've done it now.
The truth is I'm a virgin.
And I have to go to church now.
Well, no, no, Max, we
don't have to do anything
but eat dinner.
What do you mean "Eat dinner?"
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
Khadijah, your little
friend has been holed up
in the bathroom for
the last 45 minutes
chattin' on the
phone about Coolio.
Hey, get off my phone
and out of my john.
‐ She got to go. ‐ Oh, Regine.
Go easy on her. You've
got kicked to the curb before.
You'll be there again.
Y'all out of toilet paper again.
And if I may make a
suggestion, two‐ply.
Honestly, that's it.
You don't just
come up in my house
dissin' my toilet paper.
She is outta here.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm gonna die.
How could I've been such a fool?
Max, you haven't
been moonin' the guys
on the prison bus
again, have you?
She thinks that Jackson Turner
might be the murderer after all.
Oh, God, the bast‐that bastard.
He used me.
Didn't you prove that
he was on an airplane
at the time of the murder?
Oh, all he had to do was
plant the poisonous spider
catch a flight to DC,
and let the creepy crawler
do the killing for him.
He played me, Khadijah. No.
Max, look on the bright side.
You finally found somebody
who isn't too good for you.
Why? Why do I keep
pickin' all the wrong men?
First Kyle, now a killer.
What next, Callaghan?
No!
I mean, look, what does
it say about our society
when a man who's not even
rich can elude our justice system?
Listen, Max.
Before this guy
shows up with a..
With a mean look on his
face and a bag full of spiders
I think we should
give the cops a jingle.
Wait a minute, what for?
I mean, anybody,
anybody doin' any good?
I mean, all I‐all
I've got is a theory.
Well, no one runs a
game on Maxine Shaw.
I'm going back up to that cabin
and get something
to nail him with.
Come on, Overton, let's go.
Um.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, Max, you go
get your, uh, lasso of truth
and I'll go, uh, warm up
the invisible Obie plane.
Hey, look, Obie,
there's no danger.
Jackson told me he was flying
to the Shenandoah Valley tonight.
I just need you for good luck.
Well, might sound
a trifle overblown
but I know why God gave
me these lifesaving abilities.
Let's do this.
Alright, now, look here, Missy,
I got somethin' to say to you.
Well, make it quick,
'cause I'm about to be out.
Oh, no, girl. It's too soon.
Well, look, here's your kicks.
And is this your coat?
Well, keep it anyway. Bye.
Say, one hour on
the Coolio chat line
and you back in
circulation, huh?
That's not it all.
Y'all are crazy.
Poisonous spiders,
killers on the loose.
I hope I'm not as crazy as
y'all when I hit middle age.
Um, Khadijah.
My mother hates for me
to ride the train after dark.
Can‐can you drop me off at home?
Sure, you just keep that
door on your side unlocked.
When we get near your
house, I'll slow down to about 40.
You could do a tuck and roll.
How the hell did you
get the key for this door?
Actually, none of
these fit. It was open.
What exactly are
we lookin' for, girl?
I don't know.
Yeah, that's a good plan.
This dude got some nice
stuff up in through here.
Two hundred power
stereo microscope.
High resolution security camera.
Big hairy ass spiders.
Max, if, uh, if we
were in a movie
it'd be right about now
we start screaming.
"Get the hell out of the house."
Shh!
Wait a minute. Look.
If Jackson took a spider to
plant in Winston's apartment
it would be on video tape.
You've got to find the
tapes before the murder.
Max?
What the hell is goin' on?
I come all the way up
here in the dead of night
just to see you and this is
the warm welcome I get?
Well, forget you. Come
on, Overton, let's go.
Just a second. Who are you?
Uh, I'm Overton Wakefield Jones.
I just broke out of Sing
Sing, ain't got nothin' to lose.
Don't start nothin',
won't be nothin', okay?
Oh, I know why you're
here, you think I did it.
Hey, look, I'm on your
side, but the toxicologist said
that Winston was killed
by the bite of a sand spider.
Oh, that's
impossible, these eight
are the only ones
in the country and..
Itsy?
Where's Itsy?
Probably in some hideaway
down on the Cayman Islands
sippin' a Bloody Mary.
I hope that's Domino's.
Who are you?
We'll ask the questions
around here, buddy.
We were worried,
so we followed you.
Oh.
Now, that I know
that you're alright
I have to tinkle in the
worst way, excuse me.
You were worried about me?
Yeah, well, you do owe me $6.
Jackson, who else knows
about these spiders?
Just Peignor.
You know he could have planted
the pen at the crime scene?
Jackson, your
bathroom is occupied.
‐ Shut up! ‐ Oh, okay, okay.
Gun!
‐ Albert, give me
the gun. ‐ Shut up!
Give me the tape.
You big dodo‐head!
The movement needs someone
with guts to do what's necessary.
Including murder?
It's better than empty rhetoric.
Photo opportunities.
Excuse me, Mr. Peignor.
I had a ginger ale
on the drive here
and I have really got to‐‐.
Shut up!
Oh.
'Nobody move!'
They react to sudden movement.
Peignor, heads up.
Oh.
Oh, that was silly.
Ow!
Don't worry.
He won't die if we get
him to the clinic right away.
Well, I'm sure if you
explain that to the spiders
maybe they'll go outside
and warm up the car for you.
Just wish we had some
meat to distract them.
How 'bout a turkey jerky?
No, actually I try to keep them
away from processed food.
Would you throw that thing?
‐ 'Come one, shorty.' ‐ Oh.
‐ Gimme a hand. ‐ Oh.
Oh. Hey, Regine?
Quit frettin', the
danger's over.
‐ Come on, girl.
‐ Honestly, girl.
‐ You know I'm playin'.
‐ I know you are, girl.
Come on.
Jackson, from the very
start, my lawyer's gut
it told me you must be innocent.
It said, "No man with pecs
like that could be guilty."
You could make it up to me.
Any chance of us
getting better acquainted
on a working vacation
in New Mexico?
Oh, the land of enchantment.
We're rappelling
into a remote canyon
to gather an endangered
species of giant scorpion.
Pick me up a t‐shirt, okay?
See ya!
We'll be right back.
'Dag, I tore the web.'
"'Was a better weave than
the one on little Richard's head."
'Why you wanna make
fun of the man's hair?'
'He bought it.'
'Hey, why don't I
barbecue some flies'
'so, we can have a good
old fashioned web rasin'?'
'Good idea, my lethal love bug.'
'As my Uncle Seven
Legs used to say'
'"All it takes is stomach
acid, silk and, uh"'
'"of course, a valid
building permit."'
'Count me out.'
'I've just made
it and I'm still'
'bathing in my afterglow.'
'Ah, bite me.'
'Shut up, shut up, humans.'
Oh.
Look at those industrious
marvels of nature.
I wonder what they're thinkin'?
'Idiots.'
Woo‐hoo.
Conservative suit,
zero‐cleavage factor.
You droppin' that tired
brother Teddy tonight, huh?
I'll give you a 7.2
on the "All up in
my business" scale.
Oh, that's my cue
to be up out of here.
See, I don't wanna be here
when he starts making you guess
how many green lights
he made on the way over.
Hey, Teddy.
Guess where I found
a parking space?
Come on, guess.
Okay, across the street
and three spaces down.
Now, last time, it was across
the street and three spaces up.
Spooky, huh?
Yeah, I got a chill.
Listen, um, Teddy, come on
now, we need, uh, have a seat.
I think we need to talk..
Now, I need a favor, 'cause
my little sister, Marissa
well, her boyfriend
just broke up with her
and, well, she needs a
woman's point of view.
Alright, well, tell
her to call me.
Phones are so impersonal.
Come on, girl.
Marissa, this is my
lady friend Khadijah.
‐ Hi. ‐ She got
somethin' to tell ya.
Hey, Marissa.
So, uh, your boyfriend decided
he needed some air, huh?
I hate him.
Alright, now, just hold up now.
I know‐I know you're hurtin',
but then don't take it personal.
Listen, the important thing is
not to blame the other person.
‐ Oh. ‐ I mean, think about it.
He just made room
for the right guy
to come into your life.
Well, you know, I‐I never
thought about it like that.
Well, you should.
Shoot, everybody should.
See, Marissa, now gettin' dumped
is not the end of the world.
Sometimes it's the best
thing that can happen to ya.
Exactly.
Teddy, you got a minute?
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ And in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight with ♪
♪ My home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ What you want
no free position girl ♪
♪ Haa ♪
Woo‐hoo! Good morning, Bannon.
Yeah, say that to
my spastic colon.
Jackson Turner, huh?
The lady draws a killer.
Uh‐uh‐uh! Alleged killer.
Actually, my client is
known for preserving life
through his
organization Earth Rights.
Well, you've convinced me,
why don't I just turn my back
and slip you the key?
Jackson Turner?
Maxine Shaw, Public
Defenders Office.
Well, I am pleasantly surprised.
When they told me my lawyer
was somebody named Max Shaw
I expected a good
deal more testosterone.
Get to know me.
'Alright. Let's get started.'
The DA is looking for
a murder one conviction
on the poisoning of Clive
Winston, CEO of Richmond Mining.
Oh, this is crazy, I
wasn't even in town.
I was on the shuttle
for Washington.
Perfect, the credit card
receipts from tickets
will prove that and we can‐‐.
No, I paid cash.
Oh.
Well, did you talk to
anyone on the plane?
No, mostly I slept.
Well, I was up the whole
night before, draining mucus
from the blowhole of
a disoriented whale.
Here's what the DA's
gonna throw at you.
You threatened Winston
at a stockholder's meeting.
No, I did not threaten him.
He‐he called me a
stinkin' tree hugger
and I said I'd,
you know, kill him.
Mm‐hmm, and the police
found an engraved pen
belonging to you
at the crime scene.
No, that's impossible, I
only own one engraved pen
and I lost it.
This doesn't look good, does it?
Unh‐unh. But look..
Don't worry about your
case, that's my problem.
You just stay strong, that's
how the movement needs you.
Thank you.
I feel safe in your hands.
Oh.
Guard.
Well, you see, now, I‐I‐I‐I‐I'd
never have sex with a man
just because he offered
me a million dollars.
Hey, girl, that's
"Crimson Tide."
I know. I'm just sayin'.
‐ What's up, girl? ‐ Marissa.
Hey, what are you doin' here?
I'm bothering you.
I'm sorry, I'll just go home
and put a blanket over
my head and listen to Sade.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, come on in.
Everybody, this is Marissa.
‐ Hello. ‐ Hey, how you doin'?
Recently dumped sister
to recently dumped Teddy.
Khadijah, I brought
you a present
to thank you for helpin' me.
‐ Cornflakes? ‐ Uh‐huh.
I'll just go fix some
for you the way I like.
With milk, sugar
and a dash of parmesan cheese.
Well, I remember the
first time I got dropped.
I cried all night,
couldn't sleep.
Every song on the radio
reminded me of him.
But then my mama made
me some mac and cheese
and I knew it was
gonna be alright.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You see, the problem with that
boy was that he was immature.
Now, you take
my first boyfriend.
Ah, he was 12 and a half
but he had the presence
of a 13‐year‐old.
And the allowance.
Oh, I just spent
the last 14 hours
at the Hall of Records.
There is nothing
more exasperating
than preparing a murder case.
You ever try to
fire up a barbeque
in the middle of a light drizzle
with everybody standin'
around tellin' me.
‐ "Where's my hot link?" ‐ Obie.
‐ "Where's my hot link?" ‐ Obie.
‐ Obie, Obie, Obie.
‐ Can I get a‐‐.
We apologized for that.
Now, let's just move on now.
Max, I ain't never seen you
this worked up over a case.
I mean, what's up with
this Earth Rights guy?
The man stands for something,
the fact that he's charismatic
incredibly handsome,
and an absolute turn on
has nothing to do with anything.
Then what you doin'
with this picture of him
strollin' up out the
water in a swimsuit?
That's for
identification purposes.
You know, Max, you know
you're not supposed to get
personally involved.
I mean, suppose he's guilty?
Impossible.
Let me tell you something,
I saw that guy on TV
protesting this
cosmetics company
for testing products on rabbits.
Anybody who loves bunnies
enough to punch out six cops
is not a violent man.
Hey, hey, people. Maxine.
I have a proposition for you
and I hope you will accept.
Sure, Kyle, but you'll
have to kill me first.
Let's table that intriguing
concept until later, shall we?
Now, when I first
heard of the poisoning
of Richmond Mining CEO
I immediately pushed my clients
into more competing stocks.
So, the more the
public perceives
Richmond to be crumbling,
the better it is for me.
So, if you can find
a way to prolong..
The trial, I promise to undress
with my shades up for a week.
Sure, Kyle, just paint
a bullseye on your ass.
There's my brilliant attorney.
‐ What can I say?
‐ Don't thank me.
‐ Alright, go ahead.
‐ You are incredible.
If you hadn't tracked
down the flight attendant
who remembered how
loudly I was snoring
I'd be in the shower
playing "Hard to get"
with a big guy named Lobo.
Ah, well, I just saved your
butt, you go save the planet.
Max, there's been
something I wanted to tell you
ever since we first met.
I, uh..
Well.. Oh, hell.
Ooh.
Jackson, um, uh.
This sort of behavior
isn't‐isn't appropriate
in a correctional facility.
Obviously, you haven't met Lobo.
Jackson.
Max, you Albert Peignor
executive director
of, uh, Earth Rights?
Of course, of course, you gave
me a nuclear winter snow globe.
Thank you, Miss Shaw.
I'm sure that even those
forms of life that have no face
would be smiling in
gratitude, if they could.
‐ Thanks, Albert. ‐ Jackson.
We really should be
getting back to the office.
Lisa wants to brief you on
the Shenandoah operation.
‐ That can wait. ‐ Uh.. Ahem.
But, uh, I brought the solar
car and it looks like rain.
I said it'll wait.
I've been known to make
an ecologically responsible
eggplant casserole
that'll knock your socks off.
I live upstate about an hour
from here. Care to join me?
Well, I, I mean, I
don't know, I mean.
I have cases that
I should be doing.
Ever been out with a guy
who just got out of prison?
Uh‐huh. Let's go.
Oh, goodness.
The air must really be thin
up here, I'm out of breath.
Well, now, we're even.
You've been taking
my breath away all day.
Hey!
What kind of
peekaboo freak are you?
Oh, oh, that's to
record the mating habits
of my little friends here.
Oh, damn, whoo.
Couldn't you just get a dog?
Arachnus Nimbius..
Aka Caracas sand spiders.
They're this close
to becoming extinct.
Oh, I hate spiders,
ever since one bit me
and my checks swelled
up like Dizzy Gillespie's.
Be glad it wasn't one of these.
You would have been
dead in 15 minutes.
Listen, I better get the
groceries out of the truck.
Coyotes have been known
to go through a windshield
for bean curd.
Oh, my God!
Spiders, coyote.
Sasquatch.
‐ Max Shaw here. ‐ Hey, Max.
It's, uh, Robin,
over at forensics.
We nailed down which
poison took Winston out.
Oh, yeah? I thought you said
Winston was killed by arsenic.
It looked like arsenic,
but it turned out
to be the venom of a
rare poisonous spider
found only in Venezuela.
The Ca..
The C‐Caracas the
Caracas sand spider?
Hey, how did you know?
Just a feelin' in the
pit of my stomach.
Get out.
No. Another way in.
Oh, my God, no sign of madness.
Oh!
What are you doing?
Oh, okay.
Uh, uh, didn't you
didn't you yell fire?
‐ What? ‐ Well, nothing.
Look, look, look, look,
Jackson, you know.
I, I have to go, um,
this, this, this whole thing
is just moving,
moving way too fast.
Alright, you've done it now.
The truth is I'm a virgin.
And I have to go to church now.
Well, no, no, Max, we
don't have to do anything
but eat dinner.
What do you mean "Eat dinner?"
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
Khadijah, your little
friend has been holed up
in the bathroom for
the last 45 minutes
chattin' on the
phone about Coolio.
Hey, get off my phone
and out of my john.
‐ She got to go. ‐ Oh, Regine.
Go easy on her. You've
got kicked to the curb before.
You'll be there again.
Y'all out of toilet paper again.
And if I may make a
suggestion, two‐ply.
Honestly, that's it.
You don't just
come up in my house
dissin' my toilet paper.
She is outta here.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm gonna die.
How could I've been such a fool?
Max, you haven't
been moonin' the guys
on the prison bus
again, have you?
She thinks that Jackson Turner
might be the murderer after all.
Oh, God, the bast‐that bastard.
He used me.
Didn't you prove that
he was on an airplane
at the time of the murder?
Oh, all he had to do was
plant the poisonous spider
catch a flight to DC,
and let the creepy crawler
do the killing for him.
He played me, Khadijah. No.
Max, look on the bright side.
You finally found somebody
who isn't too good for you.
Why? Why do I keep
pickin' all the wrong men?
First Kyle, now a killer.
What next, Callaghan?
No!
I mean, look, what does
it say about our society
when a man who's not even
rich can elude our justice system?
Listen, Max.
Before this guy
shows up with a..
With a mean look on his
face and a bag full of spiders
I think we should
give the cops a jingle.
Wait a minute, what for?
I mean, anybody,
anybody doin' any good?
I mean, all I‐all
I've got is a theory.
Well, no one runs a
game on Maxine Shaw.
I'm going back up to that cabin
and get something
to nail him with.
Come on, Overton, let's go.
Um.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, Max, you go
get your, uh, lasso of truth
and I'll go, uh, warm up
the invisible Obie plane.
Hey, look, Obie,
there's no danger.
Jackson told me he was flying
to the Shenandoah Valley tonight.
I just need you for good luck.
Well, might sound
a trifle overblown
but I know why God gave
me these lifesaving abilities.
Let's do this.
Alright, now, look here, Missy,
I got somethin' to say to you.
Well, make it quick,
'cause I'm about to be out.
Oh, no, girl. It's too soon.
Well, look, here's your kicks.
And is this your coat?
Well, keep it anyway. Bye.
Say, one hour on
the Coolio chat line
and you back in
circulation, huh?
That's not it all.
Y'all are crazy.
Poisonous spiders,
killers on the loose.
I hope I'm not as crazy as
y'all when I hit middle age.
Um, Khadijah.
My mother hates for me
to ride the train after dark.
Can‐can you drop me off at home?
Sure, you just keep that
door on your side unlocked.
When we get near your
house, I'll slow down to about 40.
You could do a tuck and roll.
How the hell did you
get the key for this door?
Actually, none of
these fit. It was open.
What exactly are
we lookin' for, girl?
I don't know.
Yeah, that's a good plan.
This dude got some nice
stuff up in through here.
Two hundred power
stereo microscope.
High resolution security camera.
Big hairy ass spiders.
Max, if, uh, if we
were in a movie
it'd be right about now
we start screaming.
"Get the hell out of the house."
Shh!
Wait a minute. Look.
If Jackson took a spider to
plant in Winston's apartment
it would be on video tape.
You've got to find the
tapes before the murder.
Max?
What the hell is goin' on?
I come all the way up
here in the dead of night
just to see you and this is
the warm welcome I get?
Well, forget you. Come
on, Overton, let's go.
Just a second. Who are you?
Uh, I'm Overton Wakefield Jones.
I just broke out of Sing
Sing, ain't got nothin' to lose.
Don't start nothin',
won't be nothin', okay?
Oh, I know why you're
here, you think I did it.
Hey, look, I'm on your
side, but the toxicologist said
that Winston was killed
by the bite of a sand spider.
Oh, that's
impossible, these eight
are the only ones
in the country and..
Itsy?
Where's Itsy?
Probably in some hideaway
down on the Cayman Islands
sippin' a Bloody Mary.
I hope that's Domino's.
Who are you?
We'll ask the questions
around here, buddy.
We were worried,
so we followed you.
Oh.
Now, that I know
that you're alright
I have to tinkle in the
worst way, excuse me.
You were worried about me?
Yeah, well, you do owe me $6.
Jackson, who else knows
about these spiders?
Just Peignor.
You know he could have planted
the pen at the crime scene?
Jackson, your
bathroom is occupied.
‐ Shut up! ‐ Oh, okay, okay.
Gun!
‐ Albert, give me
the gun. ‐ Shut up!
Give me the tape.
You big dodo‐head!
The movement needs someone
with guts to do what's necessary.
Including murder?
It's better than empty rhetoric.
Photo opportunities.
Excuse me, Mr. Peignor.
I had a ginger ale
on the drive here
and I have really got to‐‐.
Shut up!
Oh.
'Nobody move!'
They react to sudden movement.
Peignor, heads up.
Oh.
Oh, that was silly.
Ow!
Don't worry.
He won't die if we get
him to the clinic right away.
Well, I'm sure if you
explain that to the spiders
maybe they'll go outside
and warm up the car for you.
Just wish we had some
meat to distract them.
How 'bout a turkey jerky?
No, actually I try to keep them
away from processed food.
Would you throw that thing?
‐ 'Come one, shorty.' ‐ Oh.
‐ Gimme a hand. ‐ Oh.
Oh. Hey, Regine?
Quit frettin', the
danger's over.
‐ Come on, girl.
‐ Honestly, girl.
‐ You know I'm playin'.
‐ I know you are, girl.
Come on.
Jackson, from the very
start, my lawyer's gut
it told me you must be innocent.
It said, "No man with pecs
like that could be guilty."
You could make it up to me.
Any chance of us
getting better acquainted
on a working vacation
in New Mexico?
Oh, the land of enchantment.
We're rappelling
into a remote canyon
to gather an endangered
species of giant scorpion.
Pick me up a t‐shirt, okay?
See ya!
We'll be right back.
'Dag, I tore the web.'
"'Was a better weave than
the one on little Richard's head."
'Why you wanna make
fun of the man's hair?'
'He bought it.'
'Hey, why don't I
barbecue some flies'
'so, we can have a good
old fashioned web rasin'?'
'Good idea, my lethal love bug.'
'As my Uncle Seven
Legs used to say'
'"All it takes is stomach
acid, silk and, uh"'
'"of course, a valid
building permit."'
'Count me out.'
'I've just made
it and I'm still'
'bathing in my afterglow.'
'Ah, bite me.'
'Shut up, shut up, humans.'
Oh.
Look at those industrious
marvels of nature.
I wonder what they're thinkin'?
'Idiots.'
Woo‐hoo.