Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 11 - Mommy Not Dearest - full transcript
'Government
scientists says a comet'
'is speeding towards earth.'
'The potentially
deadly projectile'
'is heading directly for..'
You are wasting
your mind on that fluff.
Synclaire, there are
more important things
going on in the world.
'Hollywood is
abuzz with reaction'
'to Johnny Depp's
decision to part his hair'
'on the left side.'
'Elsewhere in Tinseltown,
heartthrob Dean Cain'
'TV Superman is
super in real life'
'superstitious that is.'
Girl, I can't believe
I almost missed this.
Look what I found?
'Yesterday the sexy superhero'
'lost his wallet in a
New York City taxi.'
'Inside was the receipt
for the breakfast Cain ate'
'the morning he auditioned
to be the Man of Steel.'
'Without it, he won't
go on with the show.'
Alright, now, what're
you babbling about?
Oh, nothing much.
This is Dean Cain's wallet.
I found it in the cab
on the way home.
‐ Dean Cain's
wallet? ‐ Khadijah.
Are you that
desperate for attention?
It's real.
Dean Cain's driver's license?
His American Express card?
Oh, looks like Starbucks
owes him a free biscotti.
I'll just take this.
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep ya head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standin'
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪
♪ No free position girl ♪
♪ Ha‐aa ♪
Regine, if you are not helping
you're gettin'
thrown in the study
like the rest of this junk.
I am here to meet your mother
and confirm my theory
that you were raised
by wildebeests.
Hey, we didn't miss it, did we?
Oh, get the hell out. Come on.
Why is everybody so
hot to meet my mother?
Because we all wanted to
see what Rosemary looked like..
Twenty‐seven years
after having a baby.
Oh!
I think it's so sweet she's come
to visit her little Maxie Waxie.
Oh, please, she's only in town
to receive a Woman's Legal
Fund Lifetime Achievement Award.
Is the rest of your
family comin' too?
I haven't seen 'em in a while.
Nah, my brother is
getting a NAACP Award
and my dad's receiving
an honorary degree
from UPenn, so,
it's just mom and me.
The underachieving chore.
Uh, Maxine, during
your cleaning frenzy
did you remember to hide the..
No, Kyle, your mango
flavored body gel
is still on the nightstand.
No, you couldn't have
been raised by wildebeest
they have more class.
Yeah, personally, I was
leani' towards mountain people
who practice snake
handling as a religion.
Don't worry, mango man,
my mom isn't staying here.
She only drops by
for a few minutes
and then she goes and
checks into a four‐star hotel.
Oh, can't stand to be near
each other, huh? Tell me more.
You know, I hate
to disappoint you
you little crypt keeper..
But my mother and I enjoy a very
very civilized relationship.
We limit our conversations
to points of law.
She cross‐examines
me, she finds me guilty
we move on.
My mom and I talk
about everything
except Aunt Helen's
ambrosia recipe.
You know, we get to arguing
about the mini marshmallow
versus the big puffy one
that somebody always
runs off in tears.
Hey, hey, hey, come on,
come on, come on, come on
careful with that.
What, you use your
diploma as a dustpan
what's so special about these?
Those are the briefs
for the summation
I'm giving tomorrow.
I'm up against a
senior prosecutor.
This case means a lot to me.
So, shove it
underneath the couch.
Hey, man. She maybe a slob
but girlie does have a system.
Maxine's mommy's here.
Maxine's mommy's here.
Maxine's mommy's here. Come on.
‐ Maxine. ‐ Mom.
I suddenly feel like exhibit A.
Um, they want to see, if
like daughter, like mother.
Oh, 25 years of hard work
a tad more attention
to haircare and yes
Maxine will look like me.
Oh, you, you're a killer, yeah.
Everybody..
This is my mother, Nina Shaw.
‐ 'You remember
Khadijah?' ‐ 'Of course.'
From college editor to
independent publisher.
That's right, good to
see you, Mrs. Shaw.
And Synclaire.
Assistant slash
aspiring actress.
‐ And Regine. ‐
Uh, former buyer.
Current customer.
‐ And Overton. ‐ Ah!
Handyman and
three‐point shot maker.
Booyah. Hey, Ma.
Oh?
I'm Kyle.
How do you do?
The stockbroker?
Oh, good for you.
Wait, you‐you haven't
heard of me, Kyle Barker?
You certainly seem
very proud of yourself?
So‐so, where‐where
are you staying?
The Waldorf or the Pierre?
I thought I'd stay someplace
a little different this time.
Here, if that's okay?
Oh. Oh, that's fine
Lovely, lovely's what it is.
Is this some sort of bizarre
side effect of menopause?
Oh, well, will you
look at the time?
Hey. It's a pleasure
meeting you.
We really have to
run now. Bye‐bye.
Uh, you know, you will
you will really
love your stay here.
There's, uh, plenty
of mango body gel.
And you really don't
know who I am?
'Come on.'
Right, right, right,
about this hotel
if it's a question of money
there's some jewels I can hock‐‐
Maxine, receiving this award
has afforded me the
opportunity to take stock.
And I realized that
I'm quite pleased
about virtually
every area in my life
except our relationship.
And I've decided it's
time for us to get close.
And if we could
do it by Saturday
I'd greatly appreciate it.
Joking.
Laughing.
"And you really don't
know who I am?"
Ha, ha, ha!
You know, I just
figured out why Max
didn't tell her mother
about me, alright?
She's obviously worried that
if our relationship
doesn't work out
she'll have to spend
the rest of her life
listening to her mother ask
whatever happened to the guy
who had it all. You
know, Kyle Barker?
But why didn't tell
her mom about you
before you started dating?
Clearly, she was inebriated
by the Barker
magic from the start.
Even I didn't go for that one.
‐ Uh, pardon me? ‐ 'Yes.'
Does Khadijah James live here?
Well, yes, she does.
Right here. Come on.
Synclaire, who's that?
I don't know.
But he wants Khadijah.
Well, how do you know
he's not an axe murderer?
Do you see an axe?
Khadijah, you
spoke to my assistant
I'm Andy Oysterman,
vice president
of programing for
Warner Brothers television.
Dean Cain asked me to thank you
and tell you how anxious he is
to get back his wallet
so he can get back
to entertaining America.
Hold up, I'm not really
in a habit of giving things
to people that don't
belong to them.
Oh, I'm not just
anyone I'm the guy
who said who cares if he's 21.
Keep that Urkel in suspenders.
It's a good idea.
If you did that there's no
tellin' what you're gonna do
with that wallet.
I'm not givin' it
anyone but Dean Cain.
How about if I offer
you two passes
to the Hollywood Wax Museum?
Hm.
Let me tell you
that chamber of horrors,
much more exciting
than watching
Dean pretend to fly.
Wow.
Sorry. No Dean, no wallet.
Oh, come on!
I can't go back to
LA without the wallet.
♪ Well welcome to Brooklyn ♪
You're a mean lady.
I'll show you.
I'll show all of ya.
I'll create another
show with Dudley Moore.
Isn't this refreshing?
We're not out at
a fancy restaurant
not talking law?
Yeah, you know,
I've never felt closer..
It's like we're the Judds?
Come on, can we please
check you into the Waldorf
and grab a real meal Le Cirque.
Maxine, I'm not giving
up. I want us to bond.
Well, I watched you
ordered sesame noodles
and correct the
delivery man's Chinese.
What more do you want?
Uh, let's try confiding
in each other.
Uh, tell me something
you haven't told anyone.
Let me think.
My middle name is Felice.
I know that, I gave
you that name.
Well, it's something
I never tell people.
I hate that name.
Now, that I didn't know.
Oh.
We're making progress.
Now, okay, let me
share something with you.
I think the New
York criminal code
is far more pro‐defendant
than Pennsylvania's.
Oh, really? Alright, alright.
Got one for you.
I think the uniform
commercial code
is so bogged down in minutiae
it's completely ineffective.
I had no idea you felt that way.
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
Alright. Okay, you go.
Let's see..
A few years after you were born
I had a brief
affair with this man
in my law school
class. Now, you go.
Wow!
You had an affair?
Well, it was a long time ago.
Your father was
always at the hospital.
I was trying to raise
two small children
make law review and
find rhyming slogans
for Jesse Jackson.
The pressure got to me
and, so, for a few weeks
I lean on somebody else.
Please. It's hard
enough to imagine
you leaning with dad.
It was a mistake
but the affair forced
your father and me
to face our problems head on.
Our marriage has
been the stronger for it.
Good for you.
Now, unless you're about
to tell me that my real father
is the mailman
why are we having
this conversation?
I was hoping it
would draw us closer.
Psychology Digest says that
this is the sort of personal thing
a mother and daughter
ought to be able to share.
Well, you might have
read somewhere that
you can't improve your
relationship with your daughter
by treating it like it's
something on your to‐do list.
‐ Maxine Felice‐‐
‐ Nah, Felice, Felice.
Nah, nah, nah. I like
the distance between us.
So, getting close is gonna
be one of the few things
that great Nina Shaw
does not accomplish.
Now, if you will excuse me
I have to prepare
a closing argument
for very important case.
Maxine, now, you listen to me
as long as you're
under my roof..
Damn.
‐ Morning, people. ‐ Oh, Maxine.
Look, um, I understand why
you didn't tell your
mother about me
and I'm touched, you
insecure little moppet.
Ta!
Yeah, well, I gotta
get out of here myself
promised the people up in 2A
that I'd fix that
squeaky floorboard.
Maybe I can come with
you and step on the boards
make that little squeaking
sound like Jingle Bells.
Where's Khadijah?
She's doing a "Where
are they now?" piece
on Vanilla Ice.
But she's got to wait
till the end of a shift
at Burger King.
Something wrong?
My mother wants us to get close.
Why?
You know, it's like
they‐they give birth
they look at the stretchmarks
and they just start trippin'.
I mean, okay, so,
so, maybe my mom
isn't the warmest
most affectionate
woman in the world
but she left me the hell alone
to go my own way.
That taught me
independence self‐reliance
initiative.
Thanks to her I'm the
woman the maverick
you see before you.
Really? Then I'm mad at her too.
Ugh. I wish she'd take
her award and go home.
I wish she'd go home.
I wish she'd go home.
I wish she'd go home.
Ah, well. Forget it.
I've got a tough
case to worry about.
Seems my client
stumbled into a convenient store
accidently drew a gun
and mistakenly
held up 12 people.
Hey, mom?
No, I‐I was just
thinking about you.
No, I'm not, I'm not engaged.
No, I'm not seein' anybody, uh..
Yeah, I'm a lesbian, that's it.
Hold it.
Uh!
Hi, I'm looking for
Khadijah James.
I'm Khadijah James but‐‐.
That's right, it's me,
Burt Ward, TV's Robin.
Wow!
Batman's partner
in crime‐fightin'.
The Boy Wonder
in the house, hey.
Well, listen. The fellows
over at Warner Brothers
told me that you wanted to meet
a television superhero.
So, here I am.
Uh, well, if you wouldn't
mind, uh, the wallet?
Hey, could you do a "holy
cape crusader" for me?
You can't just do one of those
you have to be in the moment.
Overton Wakefield
Jones, bat‐o‐phile.
Uh, I remember, uh, one show
when Catwoman, uh,
turned you into her love slave
and made you fight Batman.
I was traumatized..
Yet, uh, intrigued.
Hm. Me too.
Uh, now, about that wallet?
Oh, about the wallet,
nobody gets it but Dean.
Why, because Superman can fly?
Because bullets bounce off him?
Well, any pansy can change
clothes in a phone booth
but it takes a special kinda man
who can change while
sliding down a pole.
Listen, Burt, I‐‐.
Sorry, I wasn't born on Krypton.
I mean, I had to deal
with pesky little things
like gravity and that
30‐pound utility belt
and don't get me started
on those elf shoes.
Right, right,
right, look, I think
it's about that
time that you go.
Holy strawberries,
Batman, are we in a jam.
Come on, man.
Eh, you almost had them.
Fred, the prosecution
had 14 eyewitnesses
a videotape and a
signed confession
from our client.
The jury found him guilty
in less than five minutes.
I know, but your
closing argument
was so stirring
I started thinking, hey,
maybe he didn't do it.
I'm outraged by what just
took place in that courtroom.
Mom, what are you doing here?
It's inexcusable.
I know, I know, I should've
better prepared but you know‐‐.
Oh, no, I wasn't talking
about your performance.
That was one of the
finest closing arguments
I've ever heard
comparing the policeman
who made the
arrest to Mussolini?
Stroke of genius.
Really, well, I..
I can't believe the instructions
that judge gave the jury
they had no choice but
to find your client guilty.
Nobody does that to my
baby and gets away with it
I'll have him thrown
off the bench.
What did you just say?
I'll have him thrown
off the bench.
No, what was that
nobody does that to
my baby thing you said?
Well, well, well..
I can't remember every
word I say verbatim.
That's why God gave
us court reporters.
Oh, well, you don't have to
make a big deal on my account.
I'll start on the
appeal tomorrow.
There must be
something I can do?
Well, it, it might be
nice if you could..
It'd be really nice if I could..
Oh!
Ew!
Well..
What brought you
down here anyway?
I missed your high
school graduation
your volleyball state
championship game
and your performance
in the "Nutcracker"
as the Rat King.
I wanted not to miss something.
Yeah, believe me
the "Nutcracker" was better.
How 'bout a consolation dinner?
Well, alright.
Do you wanna try takeout
at my apartment again?
Are you sure you wanna risk it?
I might attempt
to open up again.
Well, if you promise not to
I'll do the Rat Thing, you know.
My pirouette around
a piece of cheese
is still quite impressive.
‐ Ah! ‐ Ha!
♪ Tak tak ♪
Yes, yes, yes.
It's uncanny.
My horoscope says
you'll read something
that'll predict how
your day will go.
Hi, I'm Dean Cain.
‐ Hey. ‐ How you doing?
Hey. Wow.
I'm Khadijah James, I
can't believe you came‐‐
I can't believe he really came.
Well, as soon as I heard you
had my wallet I flew right out.
Flew? Like
Superman flies. I get it.
You're good. You're good.
No, really, I flew on a plane.
‐ Oh. ‐ Well,
here's your wallet.
I'm sorry, I made you
come all the way out here
but I'm telling you,
there's something funny
about that Oysterman guy.
And you would not
believe who they sent next.
Burt Ward.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah,
they always send Burt.
So, tell me the truth
you really won't work
without that receipt?
Well, I am a little
bit superstitious.
You know, I'm so
careful with this thing that I
that I haven't out in
almost three years
and here it is.
"Turkey sausage, Hash browns."
"Wheat toast"
I didn't order wheat toast.
They overcharged me.
Well, I guess, it's not
so lucky after all, huh?
Thanks a lot. I
appreciate it very much.
Bye‐bye.
Oh, man.
He forgot his lucky rabbit's
foot. I'm gonna go get him.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's wait till he
gets back to LA.
I wanna see Burt Ward again.
We'll be right back.
I'll tell you who
gets on my nerves.
Spiderman.
‐ Spiderman? ‐ Exactly.
He can do whatever a spider can.
Big deal, unless you're a fly.
And what about the thing?
Uh, to tell you the
truth, I haven't really
thought that much about it.
Who would, he's
just a pile of rocks
with a chip on his shoulder.
And Aquaman, I
had him over once.
Ha, what a whiner.
"I need more water.
I need more water."
Burt, do you think,
playing that TV superhero
sort of distorted your
perception of reality?
I don't know. Maybe.
So, uh, do you ever
use your X‐Ray vision
to check out Wonder Woman?
Waiter, can I get
the check, please?
'Woo‐hoo!'
scientists says a comet'
'is speeding towards earth.'
'The potentially
deadly projectile'
'is heading directly for..'
You are wasting
your mind on that fluff.
Synclaire, there are
more important things
going on in the world.
'Hollywood is
abuzz with reaction'
'to Johnny Depp's
decision to part his hair'
'on the left side.'
'Elsewhere in Tinseltown,
heartthrob Dean Cain'
'TV Superman is
super in real life'
'superstitious that is.'
Girl, I can't believe
I almost missed this.
Look what I found?
'Yesterday the sexy superhero'
'lost his wallet in a
New York City taxi.'
'Inside was the receipt
for the breakfast Cain ate'
'the morning he auditioned
to be the Man of Steel.'
'Without it, he won't
go on with the show.'
Alright, now, what're
you babbling about?
Oh, nothing much.
This is Dean Cain's wallet.
I found it in the cab
on the way home.
‐ Dean Cain's
wallet? ‐ Khadijah.
Are you that
desperate for attention?
It's real.
Dean Cain's driver's license?
His American Express card?
Oh, looks like Starbucks
owes him a free biscotti.
I'll just take this.
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep ya head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standin'
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪
♪ No free position girl ♪
♪ Ha‐aa ♪
Regine, if you are not helping
you're gettin'
thrown in the study
like the rest of this junk.
I am here to meet your mother
and confirm my theory
that you were raised
by wildebeests.
Hey, we didn't miss it, did we?
Oh, get the hell out. Come on.
Why is everybody so
hot to meet my mother?
Because we all wanted to
see what Rosemary looked like..
Twenty‐seven years
after having a baby.
Oh!
I think it's so sweet she's come
to visit her little Maxie Waxie.
Oh, please, she's only in town
to receive a Woman's Legal
Fund Lifetime Achievement Award.
Is the rest of your
family comin' too?
I haven't seen 'em in a while.
Nah, my brother is
getting a NAACP Award
and my dad's receiving
an honorary degree
from UPenn, so,
it's just mom and me.
The underachieving chore.
Uh, Maxine, during
your cleaning frenzy
did you remember to hide the..
No, Kyle, your mango
flavored body gel
is still on the nightstand.
No, you couldn't have
been raised by wildebeest
they have more class.
Yeah, personally, I was
leani' towards mountain people
who practice snake
handling as a religion.
Don't worry, mango man,
my mom isn't staying here.
She only drops by
for a few minutes
and then she goes and
checks into a four‐star hotel.
Oh, can't stand to be near
each other, huh? Tell me more.
You know, I hate
to disappoint you
you little crypt keeper..
But my mother and I enjoy a very
very civilized relationship.
We limit our conversations
to points of law.
She cross‐examines
me, she finds me guilty
we move on.
My mom and I talk
about everything
except Aunt Helen's
ambrosia recipe.
You know, we get to arguing
about the mini marshmallow
versus the big puffy one
that somebody always
runs off in tears.
Hey, hey, hey, come on,
come on, come on, come on
careful with that.
What, you use your
diploma as a dustpan
what's so special about these?
Those are the briefs
for the summation
I'm giving tomorrow.
I'm up against a
senior prosecutor.
This case means a lot to me.
So, shove it
underneath the couch.
Hey, man. She maybe a slob
but girlie does have a system.
Maxine's mommy's here.
Maxine's mommy's here.
Maxine's mommy's here. Come on.
‐ Maxine. ‐ Mom.
I suddenly feel like exhibit A.
Um, they want to see, if
like daughter, like mother.
Oh, 25 years of hard work
a tad more attention
to haircare and yes
Maxine will look like me.
Oh, you, you're a killer, yeah.
Everybody..
This is my mother, Nina Shaw.
‐ 'You remember
Khadijah?' ‐ 'Of course.'
From college editor to
independent publisher.
That's right, good to
see you, Mrs. Shaw.
And Synclaire.
Assistant slash
aspiring actress.
‐ And Regine. ‐
Uh, former buyer.
Current customer.
‐ And Overton. ‐ Ah!
Handyman and
three‐point shot maker.
Booyah. Hey, Ma.
Oh?
I'm Kyle.
How do you do?
The stockbroker?
Oh, good for you.
Wait, you‐you haven't
heard of me, Kyle Barker?
You certainly seem
very proud of yourself?
So‐so, where‐where
are you staying?
The Waldorf or the Pierre?
I thought I'd stay someplace
a little different this time.
Here, if that's okay?
Oh. Oh, that's fine
Lovely, lovely's what it is.
Is this some sort of bizarre
side effect of menopause?
Oh, well, will you
look at the time?
Hey. It's a pleasure
meeting you.
We really have to
run now. Bye‐bye.
Uh, you know, you will
you will really
love your stay here.
There's, uh, plenty
of mango body gel.
And you really don't
know who I am?
'Come on.'
Right, right, right,
about this hotel
if it's a question of money
there's some jewels I can hock‐‐
Maxine, receiving this award
has afforded me the
opportunity to take stock.
And I realized that
I'm quite pleased
about virtually
every area in my life
except our relationship.
And I've decided it's
time for us to get close.
And if we could
do it by Saturday
I'd greatly appreciate it.
Joking.
Laughing.
"And you really don't
know who I am?"
Ha, ha, ha!
You know, I just
figured out why Max
didn't tell her mother
about me, alright?
She's obviously worried that
if our relationship
doesn't work out
she'll have to spend
the rest of her life
listening to her mother ask
whatever happened to the guy
who had it all. You
know, Kyle Barker?
But why didn't tell
her mom about you
before you started dating?
Clearly, she was inebriated
by the Barker
magic from the start.
Even I didn't go for that one.
‐ Uh, pardon me? ‐ 'Yes.'
Does Khadijah James live here?
Well, yes, she does.
Right here. Come on.
Synclaire, who's that?
I don't know.
But he wants Khadijah.
Well, how do you know
he's not an axe murderer?
Do you see an axe?
Khadijah, you
spoke to my assistant
I'm Andy Oysterman,
vice president
of programing for
Warner Brothers television.
Dean Cain asked me to thank you
and tell you how anxious he is
to get back his wallet
so he can get back
to entertaining America.
Hold up, I'm not really
in a habit of giving things
to people that don't
belong to them.
Oh, I'm not just
anyone I'm the guy
who said who cares if he's 21.
Keep that Urkel in suspenders.
It's a good idea.
If you did that there's no
tellin' what you're gonna do
with that wallet.
I'm not givin' it
anyone but Dean Cain.
How about if I offer
you two passes
to the Hollywood Wax Museum?
Hm.
Let me tell you
that chamber of horrors,
much more exciting
than watching
Dean pretend to fly.
Wow.
Sorry. No Dean, no wallet.
Oh, come on!
I can't go back to
LA without the wallet.
♪ Well welcome to Brooklyn ♪
You're a mean lady.
I'll show you.
I'll show all of ya.
I'll create another
show with Dudley Moore.
Isn't this refreshing?
We're not out at
a fancy restaurant
not talking law?
Yeah, you know,
I've never felt closer..
It's like we're the Judds?
Come on, can we please
check you into the Waldorf
and grab a real meal Le Cirque.
Maxine, I'm not giving
up. I want us to bond.
Well, I watched you
ordered sesame noodles
and correct the
delivery man's Chinese.
What more do you want?
Uh, let's try confiding
in each other.
Uh, tell me something
you haven't told anyone.
Let me think.
My middle name is Felice.
I know that, I gave
you that name.
Well, it's something
I never tell people.
I hate that name.
Now, that I didn't know.
Oh.
We're making progress.
Now, okay, let me
share something with you.
I think the New
York criminal code
is far more pro‐defendant
than Pennsylvania's.
Oh, really? Alright, alright.
Got one for you.
I think the uniform
commercial code
is so bogged down in minutiae
it's completely ineffective.
I had no idea you felt that way.
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
Alright. Okay, you go.
Let's see..
A few years after you were born
I had a brief
affair with this man
in my law school
class. Now, you go.
Wow!
You had an affair?
Well, it was a long time ago.
Your father was
always at the hospital.
I was trying to raise
two small children
make law review and
find rhyming slogans
for Jesse Jackson.
The pressure got to me
and, so, for a few weeks
I lean on somebody else.
Please. It's hard
enough to imagine
you leaning with dad.
It was a mistake
but the affair forced
your father and me
to face our problems head on.
Our marriage has
been the stronger for it.
Good for you.
Now, unless you're about
to tell me that my real father
is the mailman
why are we having
this conversation?
I was hoping it
would draw us closer.
Psychology Digest says that
this is the sort of personal thing
a mother and daughter
ought to be able to share.
Well, you might have
read somewhere that
you can't improve your
relationship with your daughter
by treating it like it's
something on your to‐do list.
‐ Maxine Felice‐‐
‐ Nah, Felice, Felice.
Nah, nah, nah. I like
the distance between us.
So, getting close is gonna
be one of the few things
that great Nina Shaw
does not accomplish.
Now, if you will excuse me
I have to prepare
a closing argument
for very important case.
Maxine, now, you listen to me
as long as you're
under my roof..
Damn.
‐ Morning, people. ‐ Oh, Maxine.
Look, um, I understand why
you didn't tell your
mother about me
and I'm touched, you
insecure little moppet.
Ta!
Yeah, well, I gotta
get out of here myself
promised the people up in 2A
that I'd fix that
squeaky floorboard.
Maybe I can come with
you and step on the boards
make that little squeaking
sound like Jingle Bells.
Where's Khadijah?
She's doing a "Where
are they now?" piece
on Vanilla Ice.
But she's got to wait
till the end of a shift
at Burger King.
Something wrong?
My mother wants us to get close.
Why?
You know, it's like
they‐they give birth
they look at the stretchmarks
and they just start trippin'.
I mean, okay, so,
so, maybe my mom
isn't the warmest
most affectionate
woman in the world
but she left me the hell alone
to go my own way.
That taught me
independence self‐reliance
initiative.
Thanks to her I'm the
woman the maverick
you see before you.
Really? Then I'm mad at her too.
Ugh. I wish she'd take
her award and go home.
I wish she'd go home.
I wish she'd go home.
I wish she'd go home.
Ah, well. Forget it.
I've got a tough
case to worry about.
Seems my client
stumbled into a convenient store
accidently drew a gun
and mistakenly
held up 12 people.
Hey, mom?
No, I‐I was just
thinking about you.
No, I'm not, I'm not engaged.
No, I'm not seein' anybody, uh..
Yeah, I'm a lesbian, that's it.
Hold it.
Uh!
Hi, I'm looking for
Khadijah James.
I'm Khadijah James but‐‐.
That's right, it's me,
Burt Ward, TV's Robin.
Wow!
Batman's partner
in crime‐fightin'.
The Boy Wonder
in the house, hey.
Well, listen. The fellows
over at Warner Brothers
told me that you wanted to meet
a television superhero.
So, here I am.
Uh, well, if you wouldn't
mind, uh, the wallet?
Hey, could you do a "holy
cape crusader" for me?
You can't just do one of those
you have to be in the moment.
Overton Wakefield
Jones, bat‐o‐phile.
Uh, I remember, uh, one show
when Catwoman, uh,
turned you into her love slave
and made you fight Batman.
I was traumatized..
Yet, uh, intrigued.
Hm. Me too.
Uh, now, about that wallet?
Oh, about the wallet,
nobody gets it but Dean.
Why, because Superman can fly?
Because bullets bounce off him?
Well, any pansy can change
clothes in a phone booth
but it takes a special kinda man
who can change while
sliding down a pole.
Listen, Burt, I‐‐.
Sorry, I wasn't born on Krypton.
I mean, I had to deal
with pesky little things
like gravity and that
30‐pound utility belt
and don't get me started
on those elf shoes.
Right, right,
right, look, I think
it's about that
time that you go.
Holy strawberries,
Batman, are we in a jam.
Come on, man.
Eh, you almost had them.
Fred, the prosecution
had 14 eyewitnesses
a videotape and a
signed confession
from our client.
The jury found him guilty
in less than five minutes.
I know, but your
closing argument
was so stirring
I started thinking, hey,
maybe he didn't do it.
I'm outraged by what just
took place in that courtroom.
Mom, what are you doing here?
It's inexcusable.
I know, I know, I should've
better prepared but you know‐‐.
Oh, no, I wasn't talking
about your performance.
That was one of the
finest closing arguments
I've ever heard
comparing the policeman
who made the
arrest to Mussolini?
Stroke of genius.
Really, well, I..
I can't believe the instructions
that judge gave the jury
they had no choice but
to find your client guilty.
Nobody does that to my
baby and gets away with it
I'll have him thrown
off the bench.
What did you just say?
I'll have him thrown
off the bench.
No, what was that
nobody does that to
my baby thing you said?
Well, well, well..
I can't remember every
word I say verbatim.
That's why God gave
us court reporters.
Oh, well, you don't have to
make a big deal on my account.
I'll start on the
appeal tomorrow.
There must be
something I can do?
Well, it, it might be
nice if you could..
It'd be really nice if I could..
Oh!
Ew!
Well..
What brought you
down here anyway?
I missed your high
school graduation
your volleyball state
championship game
and your performance
in the "Nutcracker"
as the Rat King.
I wanted not to miss something.
Yeah, believe me
the "Nutcracker" was better.
How 'bout a consolation dinner?
Well, alright.
Do you wanna try takeout
at my apartment again?
Are you sure you wanna risk it?
I might attempt
to open up again.
Well, if you promise not to
I'll do the Rat Thing, you know.
My pirouette around
a piece of cheese
is still quite impressive.
‐ Ah! ‐ Ha!
♪ Tak tak ♪
Yes, yes, yes.
It's uncanny.
My horoscope says
you'll read something
that'll predict how
your day will go.
Hi, I'm Dean Cain.
‐ Hey. ‐ How you doing?
Hey. Wow.
I'm Khadijah James, I
can't believe you came‐‐
I can't believe he really came.
Well, as soon as I heard you
had my wallet I flew right out.
Flew? Like
Superman flies. I get it.
You're good. You're good.
No, really, I flew on a plane.
‐ Oh. ‐ Well,
here's your wallet.
I'm sorry, I made you
come all the way out here
but I'm telling you,
there's something funny
about that Oysterman guy.
And you would not
believe who they sent next.
Burt Ward.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah,
they always send Burt.
So, tell me the truth
you really won't work
without that receipt?
Well, I am a little
bit superstitious.
You know, I'm so
careful with this thing that I
that I haven't out in
almost three years
and here it is.
"Turkey sausage, Hash browns."
"Wheat toast"
I didn't order wheat toast.
They overcharged me.
Well, I guess, it's not
so lucky after all, huh?
Thanks a lot. I
appreciate it very much.
Bye‐bye.
Oh, man.
He forgot his lucky rabbit's
foot. I'm gonna go get him.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's wait till he
gets back to LA.
I wanna see Burt Ward again.
We'll be right back.
I'll tell you who
gets on my nerves.
Spiderman.
‐ Spiderman? ‐ Exactly.
He can do whatever a spider can.
Big deal, unless you're a fly.
And what about the thing?
Uh, to tell you the
truth, I haven't really
thought that much about it.
Who would, he's
just a pile of rocks
with a chip on his shoulder.
And Aquaman, I
had him over once.
Ha, what a whiner.
"I need more water.
I need more water."
Burt, do you think,
playing that TV superhero
sort of distorted your
perception of reality?
I don't know. Maybe.
So, uh, do you ever
use your X‐Ray vision
to check out Wonder Woman?
Waiter, can I get
the check, please?
'Woo‐hoo!'