Living Single (1993–1998): Season 1, Episode 2 - I'll Take Your Man - full transcript

Ah. Synclaire, sit still.

Are you absolutely
sure we have to do this?

I mean, the hair is so
fine, you can barely see it.

We either gonna wax
it or put it in corn rows.

Ow!

I don't know why we
go through this torture.

Every week, it's
yank this, shave that.

I can't wait to get married
so I can just let myself go.

All this for men
we don't even have.

You think there
are men out there

shaving their backs for us?



Well, now, ladies, to be fair

I'm sure there are guys
out there going through

as many grooming
rituals as we do.

Like what?

They trim their nails.

With their teeth.

I say we should stop
mutilating ourselves right now

and just be happy
the way God made us.

I couldn't agree more.

Ow!

♪ Check check check it out
Check check check it out ♪

♪ What you want
no free position ♪

♪ We are living single ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yes we're living
the single life yeah ♪



♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what ♪

♪ Keep your head
up That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough You got to fight with ♪

♪ My home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue and
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check, check it out ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ And in a nineties
kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Haa ♪

I don't know why you
rented Basic Instinct.

That woman was buggin'.

I mean, who would go
into somebody's office

in a business suit
with no drawers on?

I mean, besides you.

Hey, can I look now?

Synclaire, it's over.

Oh, good movie.

Oh. Regine is
home from her date.

Or you got rats.

It's a little early for her to be
home. I wonder what's wrong.

Only one way to find out.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

What? Is it good?

We got to be some lonely
heifers, spying on Regine.

Oh, okay.

So, now, the piano
would be right here.

Hey, guys, this is Charles.

The Assistant DA, Charles.

This is Synclaire and Khadijah

my two roommates.

And this is their friend Max,
who just thinks she lives here.

Maxine Shaw from
Evans Bell and Associates.

Yes.

You know, I saw you try a
case last week. You're tough.

I mean, I thought you was
gonna actually hit the judge.

So did I.

Well, it's good
to see you again.

Yes, yes.

I didn't recognize you at first.

Well, that peephole makes
everybody look a little warped.

Yes, well, Charles,
you should be goin'.

You've got a big trial in
the morning, remember?

The one you couldn't
stop talkin' about.

Now, go. Smooches.

Huh, are‐are we
still on for Saturday?

Saturday, Sunday,
Monday, whatever.

Night‐night.

Ooh, Regine, I like him.

He's sweet and thoughtful

and his nose hairs
were neatly trimmed.

Yeah, I got to
give it to you, girl.

Charles is a damn good attorney.

Mm‐hmm. I wouldn't
mind a peek at his briefs.

Yes, well, sorry
to disappoint y'all

but Charles ain't the one.

But, Regine, he's
got money and status.

Technically, you
should be in love.

I know, but Charles
has no je ne sais quoi.

No joie de vivre.

No... oomph.

Girl, that's what we're
for. To cultivate them.

You see, a good
man is like fine wine.

They all start out like grapes.

Our job is to stomp on them.

And then keep them in the dark
until they mature into something

we wouldn't mind
having dinner with.

Yes, well, I can't
wait that long.

I need my thirst quenched now.

Why you always
have to have a man?

Well, hey. Some people paint..

Now, to you, this may seem
like a simple burnt bagel.

But we know it as the
handyman's nightmare.

See, one minute,
just toasting a bagel.

Gets stuck, overheats,
shorts out the circuit.

Next thing you know,
you burn the building down.

Oh, well, I never
realized that toasting

was such a responsibility.

Not many people do.

Oh, Overton, is there
anything you can't fix?

Nope. That's why I
put an ad in the paper.

To expand my handyman empire
beyond this mere brownstone.

That's the last time I ask
you to go shopping with me.

You got to flirt with
every man at the market?

I got us this free
meat here, didn't I?

I'm telling you.

You and Regine are just alike.

Always trying to turn
some man's head.

Excuse me, Regine
and I are nothing alike.

I'm just looking
for a good time.

She's looking for a sponsor.

Hey, what's up? I got the paper.

‐ Hey, Kyle. ‐ Damn.

These paper boys are
getting older and uglier.

Max, Max, yet another
thinly‐veiled attempt

to deny your animalistic
attraction towards me.

You right about the
animal part, Fido.

‐ You want me so
bad.. ‐ Oh, my gosh.

It hurts, don't it?

Hey, man, you check out the ad?

Yeah, man, but I don't
think it's gonna get you

the response you wanted.

"Expert handyman
will service your needs."

Tell me that ain't good.

Good for a laugh.

Man, they put it
in the personals.

Your beeper number is
in the "Swingles" section.

Right next to "Big,
buxom blonde"

seeks same for fun and frolic."

I'm scared, Kyle.

So, what is Mr. Lover Man doing

perusing the personals?

Baby, I was looking for
a much‐needed date.

For you.

Yep, expert handyman
will service your needs.

You want me to what?

I'm sorry, but shouldn't your,
uh, husband be fixing that?

Maybe her husband's
not handy like you.

I said I'm sorry, lady,
but the ad was misplaced.

And I'm sure we violating
some kind of FCC rule

by talking like this.

Goodbye.

Hey, Regine. What's up?

You look tired.

Oh, I just gave Charles
his walking papers.

Ooh, it is such a drain

breaking up with
someone delicately.

You know the routine.

"It's me. It's not you.

Of course, we'll
still be friends."

Blah, blah, blah. Cry,
cry, cry. Hug, hug, hug.

"Okay. Bye."

You dumped him?

Yep.

Any hard feelings?

Not on my part.

‐ So Charles is
free? ‐ Max, stop.

‐ What? ‐ I know that look.

That's the same look you
gave the butcher two hours ago.

‐ Ouch! ‐ Don't
go after Charles.

Khadijah, relax.
Regine doesn't care.

Regine, do you care
if I give Charles a call?

No, girl. Go ahead and call.

Why we got so much meat?

Uh, ma'am, you
breathing kind of hard.

You wanna call me back
after you catch your breath?

Girl, I am ready
for church today.

Take it from me, Khadijah.

Never try to expand
your business

by putting an ad in the paper.

Still popular with
the pervs, huh?

As ever.

Why don't you just turn
your beeper off, Overton?

Oh, sure.

The second I do that

that's when somebody's
tub overflows.

Water drips through the
floor, lands on the stove

puts somebody's pilot light out.

Next thing you know the whole,
damn building done blowed up.

This is okay for church, huh?

That's between you and your God.

Max. Alright, let's go.

Actually, I'm not
going with y'all today.

I'm going to church and Sunday
brunch in the park with Charles.

Charles?

Hey!

Both of you are dating
men named Charles.

You're just destined to be
a step behind, aren't you?

Regine, you are okay
with this, aren't you?

I'm fine with it.

Cool. Who's got the stockings?

Here you go. But can
I get the egg back?

I make Christmas ornaments.

Okay. I'll see you.

Hey, Max, I thought
I'd find you here.

Hello, Regine.

Hi, Charles.

Awkward moment, huh?

No.

Mm‐mm. No. Not at all.

Well, Max, uh..

You ready to go?

Sure. If you are. Let's go.

Say a prayer for me, huh?

Smooches.

Tramp.

♪ We are living single ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Hey!

Alright, girls. What we
got going on for tonight?

Uh, wait a minute.

You think you can just sashay

your man‐stealing
behind up in my house

you are sadly mistaken.

Is this about Charles?

Regine is pretty upset
with you, Miss Missy.

So you just couldn't
wait to sink your claws

into my man, huh?

Your man?

Regine, you chewed
him up, spit him out

and told me to call him.

No, I did not tell
you to call him.

I said you could call him.
Khadijah, you were there.

No, no, no, no. I ain't
got nothing to do with it.

Your exact words were,
"Go ahead, call him."

And you took that as a "yes"?

Now, what are you
getting so worked up about?

You didn't even like him.

Well, that is not the point.

The point is, you
broke the rules.

You're supposed
to let it cool off

at least one‐third of
the total dating time

or one month for each
year, whichever's shorter.

If only you used
your powers for good.

Regine, this is New
York in the '90s.

The only rules about dating
are five locks on the door

and keep the stun gun
on your side of the bed.

Please. Well, that's just the
dumbest logic I ever heard.

No wonder you can't win a case.

I win plenty!

And at least I got a job.
What kind of job do you have?

Shopping.

I am a buyer for a boutique.

Shopping.

Well, somebody needs to shop
for your non‐dressing behind.

‐ Oh! This is
ridiculous. ‐ Yeah!

I can't believe you're gonna
let a man affect our friendship.

No, I'm not, 'cause we
don't have a friendship!

And the woman in
3‐B thinks Max is right.

Khadijah, can you
believe the way

Max is running behind
me, pickin' up my leftovers?

I said can you believe Max

up there running behind
me, picking up my scraps?

Yes, well, I cannot believe it.

She is obviously a
desperate, desperate woman.

So you're saying

what she's doing is
okay and that I'm wrong?

I ain't sayin' a damn thing.

Yeah, well, somebody
has to talk to her.

You're right. Go ahead.
I'm eating my breakfast.

Oh, come on, Khadijah,
she'll listen to you.

I'm not the one with
the problem here.

It's never stopped
you any other time.

Mornin'. I just had
the best night's sleep.

No coffee for me.
Thanks, don't need it.

Shut up.

Regine, are you still
worrying over Charles?

Mm‐mm! No! Not at all. Know why?

'Cause when Khadijah
talks to Max, it will all be over.

Uh‐uh. I told you,
I'm not getting in this.

Oh, come on, Khadijah.

Don't you see how this
is making me unhappy?

Don't you care how
it's affecting me?

Nope.

Come on, Khadijah.

How would you feel if Max
were dating your old boyfriend?

She knows better.

See?

Exactly. Exactly my point.

Max, she wouldn't
do this to you.

And what is wrong with me?

I mean, why is it that
every time I let go of a guy

he turns out to be
Mr. Right for somebody else?

Regine, Charles has not changed.

It's just that you always
want what you can't have.

And maybe this whole thing
is bothering you so much

because you're being
selfish and self‐centered.

Mm‐hmm.

I know what this is
about. It's all about me.

Uh‐huh. See, Max?

She don't care
nothing about Charles.

She is using him to get to me.

She always wants what I have!

‐ Like what? ‐ Make a list.

Start with these.

Her hands?

Overton, you alright?

Huh.

Alrighty, now, sip
it slowly and tell us

everything that happened.

Well, what happened
was I went on that call.

Miss Harper?

The one with that
broken furnace?

I get over there and she
lead me down into a basement.

Then she kicked off her
shoes, took off her robe

and start talking 'bout,
"Light my fire, daddy."

Good morning. Yo, Overton,
man, you know Miss Harper?

I've seen her naked. Can't
say that I know her, though.

Well, she certainly knows you.

She called with a list of odd
jobs she like you to take care.

And she said, if you don't
come to her, she's coming to you.

Um, just bury me
in my blue suit, man.

So, you're saying
that I am self centered.

And self absorbed.

Well, I am not! I happen
to have a problem.

And nobody and I mean
nobody sleeps in this house

until my problem is solved!

I don't want to talk about
Charles no more, Regine.

I understand, Regine.

Get off the phone, Regine.

I am your friend!

Look, just go blow your
nose, stuff your face

and get over it, okay?

Geez.

Synclaire, what are you doing?

I'm shredding those
files like you asked me to.

Those files are on my desk.

Oh.

Then we're gonna
need a little tape.

Hey, what are you up to?

The usual.

Max, my mellow, my
ace, check this out.

Lemme talk to you.

What's up with you and Charles?

Nothing. I like the
guy, we have fun.

You got a problem with that?

No. Not at all.

Break up with him.

For Regine?

No way.

I am not gonna let you
indulge that spoiled child.

I'm having fun and I'm not
gonna stop having fun just for her.

Regine is not
going to get her way.

Not this time, no way! Uh‐uh!

I'm gonna be the grown‐up here.

'...three, and four,
and five, and squeeze'

'and seven, and squeeze.'

'One more, now squeeze.'

'And squeeze, and
squeeze, and burn!'

'Good workout. And exhale!'

'Next week, thighs.'

I'll get it.

Oh. Y'all pretending
to work out again?

Well, we can't all
be scrawny like you.

Snipe away.

You're gonna feel real small

after I tell you
what I just did.

Did you start dating
somebody else's boyfriend?

You won't believe how
small you're going to feel.

For your information, I
just broke up with Charles.

Have a seat, girl.

My girl, I knew I got to you.

Hey, well, it was
the right thing to do.

This is just wonderful.

All this time,
Khadijah's been saying

that you were petty, and evil

and too selfish to
ever work this thing out.

I guess you proved
her wrong, huh?

Well, Max, I am shocked.

I mean, it's not
often that a woman

does something nice for me.

So, when it happens,
it really stands out.

Well, hey, it was nothing.

Now, can we get
on with our lives?

I am so sorry

that I made such a
big deal out of all this.

But when Charles
took you to church

that really hurt.

I mean, it meant that
he took you seriously.

The men in my life, they
never take me that seriously.

Maybe it's because
I'm a little superficial.

Immature.

Petty.

Anyway..

I just want you to know
that I respect you, girl

and I respect the
way you handled this.

I mean, the way you were
able to just let Charles go.

And the way you
came over here‐‐.

And lied through my teeth!

What?

Charles dumped me.

He gave me some tired,
"baby‐it's‐me‐not‐you" crap.

"We could still be friends."

Oh, Max, I'm sorry.

Girl, you must be in
such pain right now.

Is there anything that I can do?

You can start by wiping
that silly grin off your face.

Well, girl, look
at the bright side.

At least, now, you
don't have to endure

those sloppy kisses of his

where both of his lips
are on the outside of yours.

I liked those.

What I couldn't stand was
that goo he put in his hair.

He ruined my velvet sofa.
I'm sending the brother a bill.

Well, I, for one, am glad
that Charles dumped you.

I mean, what would have
happened if he hadn't?

I would have probably
kept seein' him.

I would probably
have stole him back.

I would have had to marry
him to keep him from you.

I would have had to‐‐.

No, wait, wait, wait,
wait, yo. Hold on.

We not going to go
down this block again.

Alright, alright.
You're right, Khadijah.

I'll tell you what, let's
make a rule right now

that we will never
do this again.

Okay, from this point onward,
no occupant of this house..

Or friend of an
occupant of this house

will date the ex or current
boyfriend of said others.

‐ Cool. ‐ Well,
that about covers it.

But what if he really fine?

‐ Then all bets are off.
‐ Okay! Yes, yes, yes!

‐ Overton! ‐ Miss Harper!

Khadijah!

You didn't finish
the job, Overton.

Synclaire!

Now, what kind of
handyman are you?

Mama!

'Hello, James, Hunter,
and James residence.'

'Yes, this is Synclaire James.'

'Oh, thank you, but
we already subscribe.'

'Yes, we get that one, too.'

'No, I'm really sorry
but we have no use'

'for "Modern Bride"
at the moment.'

'Yes, Mom, I've been flossing.'

'Now, see, girl, that's just
what I was talking about!'

'Ooh!'

'Another burnt bagel
disaster averted.'

'Oh, Overton!'