Living Single (1993–1998): Season 1, Episode 14 - Burglar in the House - full transcript
I know diet food
usually tastes bad
but this stuff tastes
like musty socks.
The woman on the packaging
was thin, so just eat it.
You know, as
tasteless as this stuff is
you girls should reach
your diet goals in no time.
Mmm. This fat‐free
meat roll ain't half bad.
Wait till you taste the fat‐free
chocolate‐style pudding.
It's delicious once you get
past the fat‐free skin on top.
Oh, I hope this is a pizza.
No, just the crust.
‐ Somebody snatched
my purse. ‐ What?
Oh, my God.
♪ Check check check it out
check check check it out ♪
♪ What you want?
No free position ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yes we're living
the single life yeah ♪
♪ We're living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
'90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Keep your head up what? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life
gets tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Haaa ♪
‐ Are you alright,
Regine? ‐ Yeah, I'm fine.
‐ I'm just mad as hell.
‐ What happened?
I'm coming out of
the subway, right?
And out of nowhere,
out of nowhere
this thug jumps out at me
and snatches my purse.
He got away with my Chanel bag.
Yes, girl, the gold one.
Regine, you got that thing
at a Jersey flea market.
And it wasn't Chanel,
it was Chanette.
It was the only purse
that went with these shoes.
Well, this shoe.
I clocked him in the back of
the head with the other one.
Same thing happened to me once.
You were mugged?
No. I got clocked in the
back of the head with a shoe.
The important thing
is you weren't hurt.
I don't know what
I'd do if I got robbed.
My life is in my purse.
Oh, is that where it is?
Regine, you should call and
cancel your credit cards, baby.
Oh, no need, that
jerk will be arrested
as soon as he tries to use 'em.
They're all maxed
out and overdue.
Well, now you can get new
cards and start from zero.
I wish I lived in your world.
You know, Regine, now you
have to get a new driver's license
and you hated your old picture.
There is a bright side to this.
Welcome to my world.
He's got your license.
Oh, girl, don't worry. I
lied about my weight.
No, no, that's not the point.
He has your address.
He knows where you live.
‐ Oh, no. ‐ Oh, no.
Overton, we gotta
change the locks.
I'll get right on it. Locksmith
is my middle name.
Well, not legally.
You're gonna call
the police, huh?
No. I'm callin' my mommy.
I'll tell her to pick me
up another Chanette bag
and a case of Mace.
Okay, I think..
Khadijah, I took time
off from work today
to collect the
security information.
The least you
could do is look at it.
I looked at it.
At these prices, it's
cheaper to get robbed.
You cannot put a
price tag on security.
Clearly, these people have.
I tell you, my mother
warned me about New York.
She said, "Synclaire,
you've got to protect yourself."
I thought she was
talking about sex.
I got a whole box of dusty
condoms sittin' upstairs.
You guys, we gotta wake up.
Every night, the
news is full of stories
of innocent people
being murdered or robbed.
I don't wanna be one of 'em.
Now we gotta start
taking our safety seriously.
I know, but you gotta chill.
I mean, Overton already
changed the locks.
Hello, people.
Then how did she get in?
I gave her a key.
Do you wanna get up
and answer the door
every time she comes
over to spread her sunshine?
No, I wanna let her
happy ass sit right outside.
Oh, so young and
short to be so bitter.
Oh, I know. We could
get a security dog.
They're cute, they're
lovable, they wag their tails‐‐.
They kill their owners.
How about a pot‐bellied pig?
Hey.
You know, my new locks
would work a hell of a lot better
if you ladies actually
kept the door closed.
Nice going, Max.
You left the door open.
And I paid for my
crime. Kyle's here.
And it's a good thing too.
I like havin' men
around to protect us.
And we're here for you, baby.
Regine, why do you always
look for men to protect you?
Criminals have guns, okay?
The only thing that
men have that we don't
isn't gonna stop a bullet.
And if it did, it'd
be mighty painful.
Max, as usual, you
are wrong again.
You see, men have
the natural body strength
and fighting instincts that make
us the guardians of the species.
The only thing
that we do not have
is that face to
scare off attackers.
Well, Kyle, I'm glad to
hear you feel that way
because I volunteered
you and Overton
for the neighborhood watch.
‐ Good speech, man. ‐ Yeah.
Hey, didn't we go to some
neighborhood watch meetin'
about six months ago?
Yeah, whatever happened?
Nobody in the neighborhood
watched a damn thing.
That's what happened.
See? See, Khadijah?
If we don't protect
ourselves, no one else will.
Let's buy somethin'.
Uh, obviously, you're not
gonna get off my back until we do.
Okay, let's go for the $25 deal.
Fake key pad,
fake alarm stickers
and the fake Doberman in a can.
Oh, great. Yeah,
we'll be real safe
as long as we get
robbed by a fake burglar.
Khadijah?
Khadijah.
Are you awake?
This is one of those dreams
where you turn into
Mario Van Peebles, right?
I'm scared.
I don't wanna go
back to my room.
Can I sleep in here with you?
Re, this is a queen‐size bed.
That mean there's just
enough room to fit a queen.
Well, move over, Your Highness.
I'm getting up in this bed.
You can act like you
don't want me up in here
but I'll be up in here.
Night‐night.
Oh, good, you're awake.
Oh, Wesley Snipes has arrived.
All that talk about
burglaries and alarms
and not havin' a dog
downstairs got me scared.
I don't wanna sleep alone.
Well, what about Mr. Jammers
your stuffed cow and
that family of trolls?
Those trolls scared
the hell out of me.
Isn't this cozy?
Just the three of us and
our Doberman in a can.
Shh. Y'all hear that?
‐ What? ‐ That.
That noise.
I think I heard it.
That was my stomach growling
from that damn diet food.
No. No, that's definitely
from downstairs.
There it goes again.
Oh, oh, suki suki now.
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Alright, call Kyle.
Call, call Kyle.
Call Overton, call 911.
A‐a‐aah.
Ooh, damn. I left
the phone downstairs.
Well, one more
thing for them to take.
Now what?
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, now the, now‐now
the smart thing to do
is just stay up here
until they leave.
Ssh. We should be quiet I think.
Oh, I can't take it no more.
Give me my nunchucks
from under the bed.
Alright, go ahead, go get them.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
I'm goin' down.
Shoot, I ain't sittin'
up here by myself.
'Come on, girl. Grab something.'
Oh, that's really
good, Synclaire.
What, what are
you gonna do, huh?
Beat him down with Isotoners?
What? Well, what
are you gonna do?
Hit him with the Bible?
Over and over again.
Damn! He's in the kitchen.
How do you know it's a he?
Would you two be quiet?
‐ What if there's more than
one? ‐ What if you shut up?
Alright, this is it.
Who's there? Who's in there?
It'll be okay, Khadijah.
Man, look at this place.
They took our stereo, our TV.
They took my computer.
I can't believe they took my
spoons of the world collection.
And just when you
updated the Eastern Bloc.
Oh. I hid my good
jewelry in the freezer.
Where are the cops? I called
them three times already.
I can't believe we were robbed
while we were in the house.
Actually, the majority
of burglaries occur
when people are at home.
‐ Really? ‐ I don't know.
I'm just trying to offer
something official sounding
in your time of need.
Look at this.
They didn't touch
my fake diamonds.
‐ Oh, that's great. ‐ Great?
If they're not foolin'
a burglar in the dark
they're not foolin' anybody.
And I have worn
these everywhere.
Where are the cops?
If we had a pot‐bellied pig
he'd be squealing
right about now.
Well, it's about
time you got here.
Sorry, there was a
pesky, little homicide
that required
our attention first.
Well, I've stabilized the
situation for you, officers.
You can take over now.
‐ Uh‐huh. And you
are? ‐ A complete idiot.
Excuse me, we've
been burglarized.
Okay. Uh, who lives here?
Me and my cousin Synclaire
and my friend Regine.
This one's just a gargoyle
they keep around for protection.
Can anybody
describe the suspect?
Yeah. He looked
like my TV with feet.
Did anybody happen to
see what he was wearing?
Can't be specific,
but it was tacky.
Look, while y'all standing
here talking fashion
some guy's out there
sellin' my stuff in the Bronx.
Go get him.
It doesn't exactly
work like that.
Yes, it does.
Oh, I know people who
have bought stuff up there.
‐ Y'all buggin'. ‐ Oh, really?
What was your full name again?
Well, I think we've
got everything we need
to file a report.
Oh, woohoo.
The police are gonna
file a report, y'all.
Let's throw a parade.
They're gonna file a report.
What good is that gonna do?
Well, it'll help us compile
a statistical profile
of crime in this area.
Forget a compilation.
My stuff is gone!
There's a lot of
crime in this city.
We do what we can.
We're sorry we
couldn't do more for you.
Just keep your doors
and your windows locked.
It's not uncommon for
these people to come back
for the stuff they
didn't get the first time.
Thank you. We'll all sleep
real well knowing that.
The locks didn't help us.
Police can't help us.
Bump this. We gettin' a gun.
No, no, I'm not having
a gun up in my house.
First of all, one of
us could get hurt.
‐ I don't care‐‐
‐ Second of all.
‐ I could get hurt. ‐
Who even thinking‐‐.
Third, we live with Synclaire.
Enough said.
Overton, you're gonna
be finished installin'
that alarm tonight, aren't you?
Oh, yeah. And it's a beaut too.
Next time somebody try
to break into this apartment
this baby will scare
the bejesus out of them.
Hey, y'all got some Cell Block
H action goin' on over here.
What's up with these ugly bars?
They'll keep out criminals
unless they're really skinny.
Mace anyone?
Y'all are tripping up in here.
Well, you'd be trippin' too.
I mean, really, Max,
we were robbed.
We haven't been sleeping much.
What's the excuse for the
bags up under your eyes?
Warden, warden, the
prisoner's making fun of me!
Warden!
While you were busy
with your little girl talk
I took the liberty and
programmed in a panic code.
32 and 40, my
basketball jersey numbers
from junior high and
high school respectively.
Wow. Were you varsity?
Well, I don't want
to toot my own horn
but, uh, no.
Well, I'm glad
we got that alarm.
Now nobody's
gonna get up in here
without us knowing about it.
I'm glad we're finally gonna
get a good night's sleep.
I have not felt
this safe all week.
Scared the bejesus
out of you, didn't it?
Lucy looks so authentic on
a black and white TV, huh?
Listen. Let's watch
"The Honeymooners."
Oh, yeah. "The Honeymooners"
with my boy Norton.
Va‐va‐voom, Ralphie boy.
Get in up here!
Oh, no more reruns.
I have got to get to bed.
No, y'all can't leave.
You gotta stay here with us.
Regine, we have been
here for the past three nights.
We have lives, too, you know.
Obviously, you don't
if you've been here
for the past three nights.
And you have been here to count.
Touche.
You women need to just relax.
You know, if you
really think about it
what happened to you all
could have been a lot worse.
My friend Mustafah's cousin's
friend was one of the victims
in that triple murder
just down the block.
Oh, man. That's nothing.
I knew this man that used to
work for the Census Bureau
and he went over this
guy's house to take a poll.
The guy chopped him up and
ate his liver with fiber beans.
No, wait. That wasn't him.
That was Anthony Hopkins
in "Silence Of The Lamb."
Maybe we're not consoling
you ladies in the right direction.
Uh, maybe we should go home.
In fact, just occurred to me
that while we've been down here
in this alarmed fortress,
our place is very vulnerable.
You know, somebody could
be in our apartment right now.
Y'all ladies wanna
walk me upstairs?
Sleep tight, frauleins.
Hold up, Regine.
I'm headed out too.
You couldn't have
said that any sooner?
Oh, come on. Don't complain.
This is the closest you'll
ever come to real work.
Khadijah, you let me
know when you get paroled.
Who is it?
'Open up. I left
my purse in there.'
I'm sorry. Visitation
hours are over.
Trolls!
Khadijah, wake
up. Let's go to bed.
Alright.
Did you leave the
kitchen light on?
'No.'
What was that?
I think there's
somebody's in there.
Oh, not again. I
don't believe this.
Well, what are we
gonna do, Khadijah?
Where are my nunchuks?
Where are my nunchuks?
Oh, forget that.
The panic alarm.
Oh. What's the code?
What's the code?
Oh, I'm getting out of here!
Somebody's in the house!
That was you in the kitchen?
Girl, the alarm is going off!
Who's in the kitchen?
Nobody!
Is everything alright down here?
Ain't that a bitch?
That was a false alarm.
Synclaire set the alarm off
when she opened the door.
But there was
somebody in the kitchen.
It was just Regine.
Well, all this bein'
scared made me hungry.
Yeah, Max.
No, everything is
cool. Go back to sleep.
The one time she should
rush her behind over here
she opts to call instead?
This is crazy.
I mean, all these
locks and these bars
this arming and disarming.
Y'all hidin' under my
covers. I can't live like this.
Khadijah, we
don't have a choice.
How else are we
supposed to be safe?
We could all move
to Minneapolis.
Isn't that where
that guy with 'em
purple butt‐less
pants come from?
No. That ain't for me.
We ain't movin' anywhere.
We're not goin' anywhere.
We're gonna stay right
here and stop livin' scared.
You know what we all should do?
We ought to get that
neighborhood watch
going for real.
Yeah, I'm with you. Sign me up.
Well, look at Miss Thing.
Gettin' involved with
somethin' other than herself.
I'm growin'.
Well, if you ladies are alright,
our manly work here is done.
Yeah, and, Synclaire, I hope
you didn't misunderstand
my comments earlier
'cause if you really wanted
to move to Minneapolis
I'd move too
even if my cheeks
did get a little frostbite.
That's very sweet, Overton.
Well, that's..
Just the way I was born.
Mack on.
Well, I'm goin' to bed alone.
And I'm goin' to
sleep if it kills me.
I'm no fool.
I'll sleep tomorrow.
Yeah, Max?
Yeah, we hear the siren.
No, no need for
you to come over.
Besides, we just set the alarm.
Alright. Alright.
See you in a minute.
'Come on, kill, Lily, kill.'
'Synclaire, what is that
and what are you doin'?'
'I'm trainin' our
new attack pig, Lily.'
'Uh‐huh.'
'No, really. Watch this.'
'Sic 'em, Lily. Sic 'em. Ha!'
'Oh, take that side
of bacon back.'
'Oh, but she's,
oh, so very cute.'
'Give her another chance.'
'Synclaire, get that
lazy pork chop out..'
'Oh, not the shoes, honey.'
'Get it up out of here.'
'Wait, you haven't
seen her best trick yet.'
'Sit, Lily, sit.'
'Okay. Eat, Lily, eat.'
Work with me, pig.
usually tastes bad
but this stuff tastes
like musty socks.
The woman on the packaging
was thin, so just eat it.
You know, as
tasteless as this stuff is
you girls should reach
your diet goals in no time.
Mmm. This fat‐free
meat roll ain't half bad.
Wait till you taste the fat‐free
chocolate‐style pudding.
It's delicious once you get
past the fat‐free skin on top.
Oh, I hope this is a pizza.
No, just the crust.
‐ Somebody snatched
my purse. ‐ What?
Oh, my God.
♪ Check check check it out
check check check it out ♪
♪ What you want?
No free position ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yes we're living
the single life yeah ♪
♪ We're living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
'90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Keep your head up what? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life
gets tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Haaa ♪
‐ Are you alright,
Regine? ‐ Yeah, I'm fine.
‐ I'm just mad as hell.
‐ What happened?
I'm coming out of
the subway, right?
And out of nowhere,
out of nowhere
this thug jumps out at me
and snatches my purse.
He got away with my Chanel bag.
Yes, girl, the gold one.
Regine, you got that thing
at a Jersey flea market.
And it wasn't Chanel,
it was Chanette.
It was the only purse
that went with these shoes.
Well, this shoe.
I clocked him in the back of
the head with the other one.
Same thing happened to me once.
You were mugged?
No. I got clocked in the
back of the head with a shoe.
The important thing
is you weren't hurt.
I don't know what
I'd do if I got robbed.
My life is in my purse.
Oh, is that where it is?
Regine, you should call and
cancel your credit cards, baby.
Oh, no need, that
jerk will be arrested
as soon as he tries to use 'em.
They're all maxed
out and overdue.
Well, now you can get new
cards and start from zero.
I wish I lived in your world.
You know, Regine, now you
have to get a new driver's license
and you hated your old picture.
There is a bright side to this.
Welcome to my world.
He's got your license.
Oh, girl, don't worry. I
lied about my weight.
No, no, that's not the point.
He has your address.
He knows where you live.
‐ Oh, no. ‐ Oh, no.
Overton, we gotta
change the locks.
I'll get right on it. Locksmith
is my middle name.
Well, not legally.
You're gonna call
the police, huh?
No. I'm callin' my mommy.
I'll tell her to pick me
up another Chanette bag
and a case of Mace.
Okay, I think..
Khadijah, I took time
off from work today
to collect the
security information.
The least you
could do is look at it.
I looked at it.
At these prices, it's
cheaper to get robbed.
You cannot put a
price tag on security.
Clearly, these people have.
I tell you, my mother
warned me about New York.
She said, "Synclaire,
you've got to protect yourself."
I thought she was
talking about sex.
I got a whole box of dusty
condoms sittin' upstairs.
You guys, we gotta wake up.
Every night, the
news is full of stories
of innocent people
being murdered or robbed.
I don't wanna be one of 'em.
Now we gotta start
taking our safety seriously.
I know, but you gotta chill.
I mean, Overton already
changed the locks.
Hello, people.
Then how did she get in?
I gave her a key.
Do you wanna get up
and answer the door
every time she comes
over to spread her sunshine?
No, I wanna let her
happy ass sit right outside.
Oh, so young and
short to be so bitter.
Oh, I know. We could
get a security dog.
They're cute, they're
lovable, they wag their tails‐‐.
They kill their owners.
How about a pot‐bellied pig?
Hey.
You know, my new locks
would work a hell of a lot better
if you ladies actually
kept the door closed.
Nice going, Max.
You left the door open.
And I paid for my
crime. Kyle's here.
And it's a good thing too.
I like havin' men
around to protect us.
And we're here for you, baby.
Regine, why do you always
look for men to protect you?
Criminals have guns, okay?
The only thing that
men have that we don't
isn't gonna stop a bullet.
And if it did, it'd
be mighty painful.
Max, as usual, you
are wrong again.
You see, men have
the natural body strength
and fighting instincts that make
us the guardians of the species.
The only thing
that we do not have
is that face to
scare off attackers.
Well, Kyle, I'm glad to
hear you feel that way
because I volunteered
you and Overton
for the neighborhood watch.
‐ Good speech, man. ‐ Yeah.
Hey, didn't we go to some
neighborhood watch meetin'
about six months ago?
Yeah, whatever happened?
Nobody in the neighborhood
watched a damn thing.
That's what happened.
See? See, Khadijah?
If we don't protect
ourselves, no one else will.
Let's buy somethin'.
Uh, obviously, you're not
gonna get off my back until we do.
Okay, let's go for the $25 deal.
Fake key pad,
fake alarm stickers
and the fake Doberman in a can.
Oh, great. Yeah,
we'll be real safe
as long as we get
robbed by a fake burglar.
Khadijah?
Khadijah.
Are you awake?
This is one of those dreams
where you turn into
Mario Van Peebles, right?
I'm scared.
I don't wanna go
back to my room.
Can I sleep in here with you?
Re, this is a queen‐size bed.
That mean there's just
enough room to fit a queen.
Well, move over, Your Highness.
I'm getting up in this bed.
You can act like you
don't want me up in here
but I'll be up in here.
Night‐night.
Oh, good, you're awake.
Oh, Wesley Snipes has arrived.
All that talk about
burglaries and alarms
and not havin' a dog
downstairs got me scared.
I don't wanna sleep alone.
Well, what about Mr. Jammers
your stuffed cow and
that family of trolls?
Those trolls scared
the hell out of me.
Isn't this cozy?
Just the three of us and
our Doberman in a can.
Shh. Y'all hear that?
‐ What? ‐ That.
That noise.
I think I heard it.
That was my stomach growling
from that damn diet food.
No. No, that's definitely
from downstairs.
There it goes again.
Oh, oh, suki suki now.
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Alright, call Kyle.
Call, call Kyle.
Call Overton, call 911.
A‐a‐aah.
Ooh, damn. I left
the phone downstairs.
Well, one more
thing for them to take.
Now what?
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, now the, now‐now
the smart thing to do
is just stay up here
until they leave.
Ssh. We should be quiet I think.
Oh, I can't take it no more.
Give me my nunchucks
from under the bed.
Alright, go ahead, go get them.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
I'm goin' down.
Shoot, I ain't sittin'
up here by myself.
'Come on, girl. Grab something.'
Oh, that's really
good, Synclaire.
What, what are
you gonna do, huh?
Beat him down with Isotoners?
What? Well, what
are you gonna do?
Hit him with the Bible?
Over and over again.
Damn! He's in the kitchen.
How do you know it's a he?
Would you two be quiet?
‐ What if there's more than
one? ‐ What if you shut up?
Alright, this is it.
Who's there? Who's in there?
It'll be okay, Khadijah.
Man, look at this place.
They took our stereo, our TV.
They took my computer.
I can't believe they took my
spoons of the world collection.
And just when you
updated the Eastern Bloc.
Oh. I hid my good
jewelry in the freezer.
Where are the cops? I called
them three times already.
I can't believe we were robbed
while we were in the house.
Actually, the majority
of burglaries occur
when people are at home.
‐ Really? ‐ I don't know.
I'm just trying to offer
something official sounding
in your time of need.
Look at this.
They didn't touch
my fake diamonds.
‐ Oh, that's great. ‐ Great?
If they're not foolin'
a burglar in the dark
they're not foolin' anybody.
And I have worn
these everywhere.
Where are the cops?
If we had a pot‐bellied pig
he'd be squealing
right about now.
Well, it's about
time you got here.
Sorry, there was a
pesky, little homicide
that required
our attention first.
Well, I've stabilized the
situation for you, officers.
You can take over now.
‐ Uh‐huh. And you
are? ‐ A complete idiot.
Excuse me, we've
been burglarized.
Okay. Uh, who lives here?
Me and my cousin Synclaire
and my friend Regine.
This one's just a gargoyle
they keep around for protection.
Can anybody
describe the suspect?
Yeah. He looked
like my TV with feet.
Did anybody happen to
see what he was wearing?
Can't be specific,
but it was tacky.
Look, while y'all standing
here talking fashion
some guy's out there
sellin' my stuff in the Bronx.
Go get him.
It doesn't exactly
work like that.
Yes, it does.
Oh, I know people who
have bought stuff up there.
‐ Y'all buggin'. ‐ Oh, really?
What was your full name again?
Well, I think we've
got everything we need
to file a report.
Oh, woohoo.
The police are gonna
file a report, y'all.
Let's throw a parade.
They're gonna file a report.
What good is that gonna do?
Well, it'll help us compile
a statistical profile
of crime in this area.
Forget a compilation.
My stuff is gone!
There's a lot of
crime in this city.
We do what we can.
We're sorry we
couldn't do more for you.
Just keep your doors
and your windows locked.
It's not uncommon for
these people to come back
for the stuff they
didn't get the first time.
Thank you. We'll all sleep
real well knowing that.
The locks didn't help us.
Police can't help us.
Bump this. We gettin' a gun.
No, no, I'm not having
a gun up in my house.
First of all, one of
us could get hurt.
‐ I don't care‐‐
‐ Second of all.
‐ I could get hurt. ‐
Who even thinking‐‐.
Third, we live with Synclaire.
Enough said.
Overton, you're gonna
be finished installin'
that alarm tonight, aren't you?
Oh, yeah. And it's a beaut too.
Next time somebody try
to break into this apartment
this baby will scare
the bejesus out of them.
Hey, y'all got some Cell Block
H action goin' on over here.
What's up with these ugly bars?
They'll keep out criminals
unless they're really skinny.
Mace anyone?
Y'all are tripping up in here.
Well, you'd be trippin' too.
I mean, really, Max,
we were robbed.
We haven't been sleeping much.
What's the excuse for the
bags up under your eyes?
Warden, warden, the
prisoner's making fun of me!
Warden!
While you were busy
with your little girl talk
I took the liberty and
programmed in a panic code.
32 and 40, my
basketball jersey numbers
from junior high and
high school respectively.
Wow. Were you varsity?
Well, I don't want
to toot my own horn
but, uh, no.
Well, I'm glad
we got that alarm.
Now nobody's
gonna get up in here
without us knowing about it.
I'm glad we're finally gonna
get a good night's sleep.
I have not felt
this safe all week.
Scared the bejesus
out of you, didn't it?
Lucy looks so authentic on
a black and white TV, huh?
Listen. Let's watch
"The Honeymooners."
Oh, yeah. "The Honeymooners"
with my boy Norton.
Va‐va‐voom, Ralphie boy.
Get in up here!
Oh, no more reruns.
I have got to get to bed.
No, y'all can't leave.
You gotta stay here with us.
Regine, we have been
here for the past three nights.
We have lives, too, you know.
Obviously, you don't
if you've been here
for the past three nights.
And you have been here to count.
Touche.
You women need to just relax.
You know, if you
really think about it
what happened to you all
could have been a lot worse.
My friend Mustafah's cousin's
friend was one of the victims
in that triple murder
just down the block.
Oh, man. That's nothing.
I knew this man that used to
work for the Census Bureau
and he went over this
guy's house to take a poll.
The guy chopped him up and
ate his liver with fiber beans.
No, wait. That wasn't him.
That was Anthony Hopkins
in "Silence Of The Lamb."
Maybe we're not consoling
you ladies in the right direction.
Uh, maybe we should go home.
In fact, just occurred to me
that while we've been down here
in this alarmed fortress,
our place is very vulnerable.
You know, somebody could
be in our apartment right now.
Y'all ladies wanna
walk me upstairs?
Sleep tight, frauleins.
Hold up, Regine.
I'm headed out too.
You couldn't have
said that any sooner?
Oh, come on. Don't complain.
This is the closest you'll
ever come to real work.
Khadijah, you let me
know when you get paroled.
Who is it?
'Open up. I left
my purse in there.'
I'm sorry. Visitation
hours are over.
Trolls!
Khadijah, wake
up. Let's go to bed.
Alright.
Did you leave the
kitchen light on?
'No.'
What was that?
I think there's
somebody's in there.
Oh, not again. I
don't believe this.
Well, what are we
gonna do, Khadijah?
Where are my nunchuks?
Where are my nunchuks?
Oh, forget that.
The panic alarm.
Oh. What's the code?
What's the code?
Oh, I'm getting out of here!
Somebody's in the house!
That was you in the kitchen?
Girl, the alarm is going off!
Who's in the kitchen?
Nobody!
Is everything alright down here?
Ain't that a bitch?
That was a false alarm.
Synclaire set the alarm off
when she opened the door.
But there was
somebody in the kitchen.
It was just Regine.
Well, all this bein'
scared made me hungry.
Yeah, Max.
No, everything is
cool. Go back to sleep.
The one time she should
rush her behind over here
she opts to call instead?
This is crazy.
I mean, all these
locks and these bars
this arming and disarming.
Y'all hidin' under my
covers. I can't live like this.
Khadijah, we
don't have a choice.
How else are we
supposed to be safe?
We could all move
to Minneapolis.
Isn't that where
that guy with 'em
purple butt‐less
pants come from?
No. That ain't for me.
We ain't movin' anywhere.
We're not goin' anywhere.
We're gonna stay right
here and stop livin' scared.
You know what we all should do?
We ought to get that
neighborhood watch
going for real.
Yeah, I'm with you. Sign me up.
Well, look at Miss Thing.
Gettin' involved with
somethin' other than herself.
I'm growin'.
Well, if you ladies are alright,
our manly work here is done.
Yeah, and, Synclaire, I hope
you didn't misunderstand
my comments earlier
'cause if you really wanted
to move to Minneapolis
I'd move too
even if my cheeks
did get a little frostbite.
That's very sweet, Overton.
Well, that's..
Just the way I was born.
Mack on.
Well, I'm goin' to bed alone.
And I'm goin' to
sleep if it kills me.
I'm no fool.
I'll sleep tomorrow.
Yeah, Max?
Yeah, we hear the siren.
No, no need for
you to come over.
Besides, we just set the alarm.
Alright. Alright.
See you in a minute.
'Come on, kill, Lily, kill.'
'Synclaire, what is that
and what are you doin'?'
'I'm trainin' our
new attack pig, Lily.'
'Uh‐huh.'
'No, really. Watch this.'
'Sic 'em, Lily. Sic 'em. Ha!'
'Oh, take that side
of bacon back.'
'Oh, but she's,
oh, so very cute.'
'Give her another chance.'
'Synclaire, get that
lazy pork chop out..'
'Oh, not the shoes, honey.'
'Get it up out of here.'
'Wait, you haven't
seen her best trick yet.'
'Sit, Lily, sit.'
'Okay. Eat, Lily, eat.'
Work with me, pig.