Little House on the Prairie (1974–1983): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Lake Kezia Monster - full transcript

Albert: Whoopee!

Laura, Albert, Andy:
No more pencils, no more books!

No more teacher's
dirty looks!

No school
till next fall!

Yay!

Free as
birds!

Oh, we got the
whole summer!

- No homework!
- No tests!

We got to see
kezia, come on!

Yeah!

Albert: Whoopee!



That should do it.

Yes.

Now, let's see
who's written what

to old prune-face
Harriet oleson.

Ah.

Now...

Oh.

Ain't that a shame?

They're all out of the French
cortel corsets she ordered.

The Venus model,
no less.

"Comfort and elegance
combined...

"a summer corset...

"sateen striped,

reinforced front steels
and two side steels."



She'd do just as well with
a roll of baling wire.

Laura: Hi, kezia!
Can we come in?

Oh! Come on in!

Hello.

Laura: There's no more
school till the fall, kezia.

We can come to your
place most every day now.

After we do our chores,
of course, if you'd like.

Like?

I'd love it!

You know the welcome
mat's always out

for you darlings
at lake kezia.

Oh, we'll have
a marvelous summer.

Kezia: We will,
the 4 of us.

How long are you going
to be filling in here

for Ms. Foster?

Oh, she comes
back tomorrow.

Andy: Then we can start
fishing and frogging tomorrow.

Yeah, and singing
sea chanties,

and listening to all the
stories about all your husbands.

Oh, yes, each of
them are rare men.

Whiskey Jake curry,
smiling Willy horne,

harpoon Harry Walsh,
and handsome Tommy bane.

Oh, don't forget
dancing Danny Ryan.

All of them
good sailors.

All of them gone.

Gone to the sea, never to come
back, but not forgotten.

Never forgotten.

Well, we know you've
got to get back to work.

We'll see
you tomorrow.

- See you tomorrow, kezia!
- Yeah, see you tomorrow!

Ohh... back to work.

Polly, fetch me
another letter.

This should be
a torrid one, Polly.

It's from Nancy.

What are you going to do this
summer, children?

I'm just going
to rest up.

I thought you were doing that during
the school year. What about you, Nellie?

Oh, I have no
plans, father.

I do.

It's a surprise
for all of you.

We're going to have
a summer place.

A summer place? Why?

Well, all wealthy people
have summer places...

To get away from the heat
and the bustle of the city.

Well, I'll Grant you the heat,
but what city? What bustle?

We've only had 3 people
in here all afternoon!

Ah. All the more reason for the
children and me to enjoy our advantages.

You can easily
handle the store.

Thanks.

Well, just where is this
place that you're considering?

I'm not considering, nels.

I've already set
the wheels in motion.

In fact, I've already
ordered the summer furniture.

How nice of you
to consult me.

But just where
is this house?

I told you.

It's a surprise!

Hey!
I got one!

I got one!

Ah! There
she blows!

Look
at that!

Oh!

- Oh, boy!
- Whopping big fish!

Look at the size
of it!

Kezia: Ha ha! I reckon
there's enough fish there

for a stomach-filling
supper. Ha ha!

Let's head for the shore
and the frying pan.

Polly: Time to eat.
Time to eat. Let's eat.

Oh! I'm so full,
I think I'm going to bust.

Me too.

Oh, I ate
like a horse.

There's nothing
better for a man

than to catch
his own supper.

Boy, that
sure is true.

I usually don't
like fish at home,

but when I catch it
myself, it's delicious.

I know what
you mean.

Tell us a story, kezia.

- Yeah. Tell us.
- All right, me pretties.

Now, did I ever tell you about
how harpoon Harry Walsh...

He was me third
husband, you know...

How he rode on the back
of the loch ness monster?

The what?

Kezia: The loch
ness monster.

A creature so frightening
that he became a legend.

It's true. I heard
about it at school.

Tell us
about it.

Well, you see
that harpoon there?

That's the very same harpoon
he put into the great beast.

He give it me as
a wedding present.

Yes, he said he'd...

He'd hooked me
good and proper,

and he wanted me
to have the harpoon

so that I'd
never forget.

Well, did he
kill the monster?

Kezia: Now, don't
interrupt, now.

Sorry.

It was, uh... Yes,
it was November...

1832...

On a lovely morning.

Harry Walsh
was on the lake,

and, uh... He spies
a tremendous head

coming right out
of the water,

nearly touching
the sky!

"Ha! There she
blows!" He said.

"There she blows!"
Ha ha!

Oh.

There's someone
coming.

It's him again!

Oh.

I'll be back.

That's far enough!

That's far enough,
I said!

Kezia: You're wasting your
time, Mr. Flint.

I'm not paying
taxes on this land.

I told you that
the year before last

and the year before that
and the year before that!

I'm not here to
collect the taxes.

Oh, well, I'm happy
to hear that.

They've already
been paid.

Paid?

Who paid them?

The new owner.

Mr. Flint:
I warned you.

You had to pay your
taxes, but you wouldn't.

It's been
auctioned off.

What?

Well, I sent you
a letter about it.

I never read
me own mail.

Mr. Flint: You
should have read it.

Look, I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

The new owner is going to take
possession of the property tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

Always a castle,

and now they're going to
cast me off the place.

I wanted to spend
me last days.

They can't do this
to you, kezia.

We won't let them.

Well, there's nothing
we can do about it, lads.

Why didn't you pay
your taxes, kezia?

Well, I didn't
have the money.

I mean, taxes
is like jobs...

They're for the young.

Who would be mean enough to
go and buy your own property

right out from
underneath you like this?

I don't know, lad.

I don't know.

Ahh.

But I tell you,

I'm not going to give
up without a fight.

Harriet, you
can't do this!

Oh, for
heaven's sakes!

It is over.
I've done it, and that's enough.

But to evict an old woman?
She'll be homeless!

Oh, nels!
What I did was perfectly legal.

I am not talking
about the law.

I am talking about
a human being!

Well! I'm a human
being, too!

And I wanted
that lake!

Now, here, help me
with this thing.

It's not what I wanted,
but it will have to do.

Harriet, please,
if you'll just...

Oh, just
cinch me up.

The problem with you

is you don't have a
sense of business at all.

I mean, it was $50.
It was a steal!

I mean... oh!

It's too tight,
for heaven's sake.

There.
That's better.

Oh, nels.

Oh, I'll make it
a social center.

I'll bring
culture and grace

to the plebeian populace
of walnut grove.

Well, you won't
bring it to me.

Stealing that
old woman's home!

Oh!

You can go out there and spend the summer.
I'm staying in town.

Well, you'll be sorry, nels oleson.
You just stay right here in town.

You'll be miserable all
summer long... Alone.

Yes, alone.
The way I like it.

Oh, you...
Oh! Nels!

I see you're finally fit to be
tied, Harriet.

Nels!

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

What do you think
of it, Alice?

You know
what I think.

Come on. I'm really
proud of that moose head.

I'm sure the
moose was, too.

I didn't hear no complaints
when we had the meat.

The animal wasn't staring
at me while we ate.

Come on. Those eyes
are made out of glass.

You like it,
don't you, son?

I suppose.

I thought I'd get some
support out of you, anyway.

Well, I'm sorry.
I just...

Can't stop worrying
about kezia.

How come they make old
people pay taxes, anyway?

I... I don't know, son.

It ain't right.

Maybe they'll
change it sometime.

That won't help kezia.

Jonathan: Yeah, I'll tell you what, son.
Why don't you and I go frogging?

That will take your
mind off of it.

- Okay. Bye, ma!
- We won't be long, Alice.

Alice: Don't worry about me.

I'll just sit here and
talk to your friend.

Are you sure you wouldn't
like some more pie, reverend?

What I'd like and what I should have,
Caroline, are two different things.

Thank you,
but no.

I figured it would
be Mrs. Oleson

that would take poor old
kezia's property away from her.

Yeah, she could hardly
wait to tell me.

She wants me to come to tea
as soon as she gets settled.

I hope you said no.

Caroline:
Laura.

Alden: That's all
right, Caroline.

As a matter of fact,
I told her I had a very full schedule,

but I am going out there tomorrow when
Mrs. Oleson takes possession.

I'm just a little bit
afraid of kezia's temper.

Boy, she was
hopping mad today.

Well, I thought my presence
there might make things

a little more...
Christian, shall we say?

Can we go with you?

Well, I'm sure that reverend
Alden can handle it, half-pint.

Alden: Well, I know
I can handle it, Charles,

but you know how kezia
feels about the young ones.

It might be good for her
to have them out there.

Whatever you
say, reverend.

I will pick you
two up at 7:00.

I won't. I won't leave
the ship without a fight!

Now, kezia, violence never
did accomplish anything.

Begging your
pardon, reverend,

you're wrong there.

It would give me
a heap of satisfaction

to run this through
that old sea cow

like a pig on a spit!

I am positive you
don't mean that, kezia.

Positive means wrong
from the top of your voice!

Here she comes now.

Here she comes.

She's coming to
take my property!

All right, children...
Come along.

I ain't getting out as long
as she's got that harpoon.

Now, kezia...

I've come to take
possession of my property.

Possession is 9 points of the
law, they say,

and I am the one
possessing this property

and this harpoon.

You keep that old
crow away from me.

Who are you calling
an old crow?

You... you beached
whale, you!

Oh, you little silly toad!
Get off my property!

- A toad?
- Yes!

This is my
property!

Don't worry.
I'll handle it.

Kezia: You get
off my property!

Alden: Ladies, this is
no way to be acting,

either one of you.
This is not Christian.

I'll tell you what's Christian!

Alden: Wait!
Stop this!

Harriet: Get away!
Get off! Get off!

Alden: Ladies!

Harriet: She's
an animal! Oh!

Get her away
from me! Oh!

Looks like the reverend was wrong
about being able to handle it.

Harriet: Oh!

Alden: Stop it!

Kezia:
You animal!

Oh! Let me up!

Yeah! Oh, boy!

Polly: Fight.
Fight. Fight.

Oh!

Stop it!
Stop it!

Now, stop it before I forget I'm
a minister and lose my temper!

Reverend
Alden, please.

Now, that's better.

Now, we are talking
about kezia's home.

Surely we can work out some kind of
reasonable and charitable compromise.

Why, like what?

Like some way that kezia
could stay on here.

Well...

Uh, I don't know
about that.

Alden: It is the Christian thing to
do, Mrs. Oleson.

Nellie: Mother, someone's got
to do the cooking and cleaning.

Willie: And all
the chores, too.

That's very true, children,
and as the reverend says,

it is the Christian
thing to do.

Very well.

She can stay,

but I'm afraid there's
nowhere for her to sleep

except in the shed.

Kezia?

Reckon I've got
no choice, reverend.

I love this place.

I've been moving
on for 80 years.

Now I've got
nowhere to go...

Except me grave.

Alden: All right,
it's settled.

Yes.

We're sorry, kezia.

Well, anyway, I've got
a roof over me head.

Some roof...

On a tool shed.

Well, beggars
can't be choosers.

You will come and see
me sometime, won't you?

We will.

Polly! Come on.

All right,
children...

Come along,
let's get the bags out.

All right, now,
Muriel, watch me,

because this can't be all
that difficult, I'm sure.

Now, yellow
bull's-eye...

Oh!

Good heavens!

Well, only an Indian can
shoot these things, anyway.

- Honestly.
- Harriet, might I try that?

- Oh. Yeah.
- Thank you.

Of course.

Kezia!

Bring refreshments
for my guests!

I thought it
was rather fun.

Harriet: Kezia!

Kezia: Oh.

Harriet:
Kezia!

"Kezia! Kezia!"
Day and night.

I'm getting sick of
hearing me own name.

What has been
keeping you?

You are as slow
as molasses!

Oh, for
heaven's sakes,

will you please
serve the guests

and make some
more lemonade?

And start supper
right away,

because we're going
to have 12 guests.

Yes, ma'am.

And hurry up!

Why, for
heaven's sakes!

She's going to kill poor old
kezia making her work like that.

Just wish we could
do something for her.

Yeah, but what?

I don't know.

Caroline: "Then brer
rabbit, he squalls out,

"dis de way
a big man spit!

"And with that,
he tilts over the big tub of slop water,

"and when the other
creatures heard it come

"a-sloshin' down
the stair steps,

"by jingo, they all
heisted themselves

"out of that house
lickety-split.

"Some went sailing
out the back door,

"some out
the front door.

Some fell
out the window."

"Then brer rabbit,

"he just took and shut
himself up in the house

"and fastened
all the windows,

"and then he went
to bed, he did,

"and pulled the covers
up about his ears.

"If the other creatures
were going to get scared

"and run away from
their own house,

"what business was
that of brer rabbit?

"Brer rabbit, he went
to sleep, he did.

The end."

I love uncle Remus.

Read another
story, ma, please?

Not tonight,
young lady.

You're going to do
what brer rabbit did...

Go to sleep.

And sleep, he did.

You best get
to bed, too.

Not unless you tuck me
in and read me a story.

I was speaking
to the children.

Charles: Your ma's right.
Come on.

- Good night, pa.
- Good night, love.

- Good night, pa.
- Good night, darling.

Albert: It sure
was a good story.

Laura: Yeah.

The way brer rabbit scared
them out of their own house.

Yeah.

First, he shot
off his gun. Bang!

Then he shot off
his Cannon. Boom!

Albert, I already
heard the story.

Now, could you please be
quiet so I can get some sleep?

Maybe there is a way we can
help kezia get her house back.

How?

By scaring Mrs. Oleson
off the property.

Yeah. But how?

I don't
know yet.

Maybe kezia can help us
figure something out.

Yeah, she knows lots
of scary stories.

Yeah. Let's see if we
can talk to her tomorrow.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Darn!

What?

Well, now I
can't sleep.

Good.

Now your snoring
won't keep me awake.

You think,
and I'll sleep.

There she...

Blows.

She swims like a pregnant
penguin, she does.

Psst.
Kezia.

Kezia!

You're a sight for
sore eyes, dearies.

Wherever have you been
keeping yourselves?

The olesons don't
want us here.

And we don't want them
here on your land,

making you work your
fingers to the bone.

Oh, there's nothing much
we can do about it, loves.

Maybe there is, kezia.

Maybe we can scare
them off the property.

Andy: But we
don't know how.

Albert: Yeah, we were figuring
maybe you'd have an idea.

Yeah, you've
been everywhere,

seen everything
there is.

Could you think
of something

that would scare the
pants off of them?

Oh, I wish I knew.

Albert: Hey,
wait a minute.

Remember what you told
us about the monster?

Uh, what was
his name?

Loch ness.

Yeah.

The loch ness.

What if there was a
monster in this lake?

What if
there was?

Oh.

Oh, nels.

Stop that snoring.

Nels, stop!

Oh. Oh, nels
is not here.

Mother,
what is that horrible noise?

Oh...

Oh, I
don't know.

But I'm
going to...

I'm going
to find out.

Don't just stand there, come on.

It's him!

Who "him"?

I call him the
lake kezia monster.

Uh, it's
lake Harriet.

What monster?

Oh, something like them monsters
they have in the Scottish lakes.

They call them lochs.

Ah!

Nonsense!
There's no such thing as a monster.

I read about those
monsters in school.

There's one in loch ness.
A lot of people saw him.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Like the terrible,
fearsome thing

that lurks in these
waters out there.

Did you ever
see him?

Kezia: Shiver me
timbers, child.

I seen him every month
since I been here.

Yes, like clockwork,

he starts that
infernal bellowing,

getting ready to rise on
the night of the full moon.

Yes...

Seeking human fodder,
so the story goes,

in revenge for a mate

who was killed
over 100 years ago.

Do you expect me to believe
such an outlandish tale?

Kezia: You can
believe it or not.

It's your
monster now.

What do you mean
it's my monster now?

Well, it goes
with the property...

And its curse.

It's probably why the
Clarks pulled up stakes

and went to
California.

Kezia: Abandoned the place
before they was devoured.

Oh! Poppycock! Ha ha!

Why didn't he
come after you?

He did...

Slathering
and slurping...

Every month!

Why'd you stay?

Harriet: Yeah.

Kezia: Well, I had
no place else to go,

not like you,

with a fine place of
your own in walnut grove.

Besides, he didn't like this
harpoon, he didn't.

Well, you want to know
what I think, kezia?

I think you are
a monumental liar,

and you're just saying
all this nonsense

to try and scare me off
my property and my lake.

So do I.

Me too.

Harriet: Now,
I think that it is nothing more

than a sick cow
making that noise,

and if I hear any more
nonsense about monsters,

you will be fired.

Children, to bed.

You can stop
now, loves.

Her ladyship
wouldn't buy it.

Darn.

But thanks for
trying all the same.

Well, I best
get to bed now.

I got a big
day tomorrow.

Good night, all.

Children:
Good night, kezia.

Aw, gee.
What are we going to do now?

Well, you know what they
say... seeing is believing.

So?

So we'll make a
monster she can see.

What kind of monster?

Oh, one that will really scare
Harriet oleson out of her pants.

That I'd love to see.

Well, we best be getting home now.
I'll tell you on the way.

Are you sure there's no
such thing as monsters?

Go to sleep,
Willie.

What's that?

It's only mother.

Oh, yeah.

Good morning,
Mr. Oleson.

Well, good morning, Laura.
What can I do for you?

How much glue and tacks
could I buy for 15 cents?

Glue and tacks?
What are you working on?

Well, it's a special project,
sort of an invention.

Well, I'll tell you
what... I like to encourage

children's educational projects.

I'll just donate
whatever you need.

Thanks, Mr. Oleson!
I'll need about a gallon of glue

and about a couple
pounds of tacks.

Mmm, must be quite
a big project.

Oh, the bigger, the
better, I always say.

Well,
anything else?

Well, could
you spare

about 10 yards of
burlap sacking?

10 yards of burlap...
Well, let's see.

We got, uh...
Well, why don't you take what's left here?

It's at least
10 yards.

Is that all?

Let me think.

I know it's an awful lot,
but a couple of Roman candles?

Roman candles?

Well, that sounds
very interesting.

Uh, how about
3 of them?

Never know when you
might need a spare.

Gee, I don't know how to thank
you, Mr. Oleson.

Oh... think
nothing of it.

Glad to help.

I just hope the
project works.

If it does, you'll
hear about it.

- Good.
- Thanks again!

All right. Good luck!

- Hi, pa. Hi, pa.
- Oh, hi, boy.

Hey, what you
up to, fellows?

We've come to get
some scrap wood.

There's a whole stack of it over there.
Take what you need.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

Building something?

- Yes, sir.
- Like what?

We haven't
decided yet.

Albert: You sure were
lucky at oleson's.

We can make the monster
as big as we want now.

Andy: How long do
you think it'll take?

Well, we have to get
it done in 3 days.

That's when the
moon will be full.

In the meantime,
we'll just keep scaring them a little bit,

keep them thinking
about the monster.

Laura: Oh,
I can't wait until that full moon.

We'll work on it
at our clubhouse.

We don't want our
folks finding out.

Right.

Well, pa
wouldn't mind.

We can't take
that risk.

Albert's right, Laura.

The only thing worrying
me is building that head.

It's got to
look real scary.

Yeah.

Hey! I got
an idea.

You guys
go ahead.

I'll meet you at the clubhouse.

Come on.

Hi, ma!

You're home
early today.

Is pa home?

No, he's making a
delivery to sleepy eye.

That old moose head sure
looks ugly up there.

Sure does.

Pa shouldn't have
put it in the house.

I told him that.

Why don't we
take it down?

He probably won't even miss it.

Mmm, I'd love to.

Well, why
don't we?

We can always put
it back up later.

After all, ma,
it's your house, too.

You're absolutely right.

Andrew,
take it down.

Willie:
You're all wet!

Nellie: Get in
all the way!

Oh, no, darling,
not today.

I don't want to get my hair wet.

Oh, in that bathing suit,
she looks like a hot air balloon.

What did you say, kezia?

Oh. Oh,
nothing, ma'am,

just that I'll have snapped
all these beans by noon.

Uh... well, you'd better.

All right...

Now, I'll
get Willie.

And, Andy, you get Nellie.

Mrs. Oleson's all yours, Laura.

Let's go.

Aah! Oh! Oh!
Oh, my, oh!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! What
was that?

Ow! Aah!

Aah! Oh, my! Oh,
what was that?

Aah! Oh,
my toe!

Willie: Ouch!

Come on, darlings. Come on.

Oh, careful.

My leg!

Oh! Nellie, what
did I tell you?

There's a monster
out there!

Oh, darling,
I'm sure it's just nothing but a crab.

Some little crab!
It almost bit my leg off!

You know what
it is tomorrow.

Do I know what
tomorrow is?

Of course I know what tomorrow is.
It's Thursday.

Yeah, and the next day?

Well, obviously
it's Friday.

The moon will be full.

Oh, get back
to work.

Now, Willie, darling,
I'm sure that there is no monster.

Now, I'll tell you
what I want you to do.

I want you to go
into town tomorrow

and tell your father
to give you the shotgun.

But if there's
no monster...

Oh, don't
argue with me!

Just do it!

Polly: Monster's coming.
The monster's coming.

Oh, for heaven's
sake, that awful bird!

I'm going to shoot
it with a shotgun.

Land sakes! I thought
you'd never get home.

I'll, uh, heat
up some supper.

Never mind,
I'm too tired to eat.

I'm just going to go on and get some sleep.
Where's Andy?

He went frogging again
with Laura and Albert.

Yeah, well,
I'm going to get me some rest.

Where's my
moose head?

Full moon
tonight.

Harriet: Oh! I'm tired
of listening to that!

What are
you doing?

Honing me harpoon, ma'am.

Why?

I does it every month.

Force of habit,
as you might say.

Polly: Full
moon tonight.

Full moon tonight.
Full moon tonight.

Oh! You trained that
bird to say that.

- Me, ma'am?
- Yes.

No, ma'am.

Polly has a
mind of his own.

You've heard
the old saying...

You can't teach an old
parrot new tricks.

That is not a parrot!

What are we having
for supper tonight?

Fish...

A very large fish...

An enormous fish.

Oh. Well, start
preparing it.

Any guests?

Harriet:
No, no guests.

No one will come
out here anymore.

Someone has been telling
them about our monster.

There are no
monsters here!

Oh, for
heaven's sakes!

Full moon
tonight.

Absolutely not!

I am not going to
give you that shotgun.

But if you don't give it to me,
ma will just come here and get it herself.

All right, all
right, I'll get it.

Absolutely ridiculous,
this monster business.

It serves her right for
taking that old lady's land!

What you doing
here, Willie?

I thought you'd
be swimming today.

Not me. I'm not
going in that lake.

The monster bit me!

You're kidding.

Here's the
shotgun.

Thanks.

What does he need
a shotgun for?

His mother thinks she's
going to shoot a monster.

But isn't that
kind of dangerous?

Not really.

Just between you and me,

I loaded it with blanks.

Fullest moon
I ever seen.

Be quiet.
I'm eating!

I imagine he
will, too...

Tonight.

Laura: Is
everybody ready?

Albert: All set.

Andy: Fine
back here.

You told kezia
not to worry

about the shotgun,
didn't you?

Laura: Yeah.
Let's go.

- Oh! My goodness!
- He's coming, he is!

- Mother!
- The shotgun!

Get the gun,
Willie!

Mother!

Shut up! Shut up! Be quiet!

We'll just see how
brave this monster is.

Aren't you
coming?

Oh, no, ma'am.

I'll just stay here
and pray for you.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

- Mother!
- Shh! Quiet. Shh!

Get off my skirt.

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! It... it...

Harriet: It is... it
is... it is... it is...

It is a monster!
Oh!

Shoot it!

Yes!
Shoot it!

Kill it!
Kill it!

You've got
the gun!

Oh!

Oh! Yes! Yes!

Oh, lord!
Oh, lord!

It's no use!
It won't stop!

Oh! Run, children!

Run for your lives!

Oh, my god!

Laura:
It's all right.

They're halfway to
walnut grove by now.

Albert: Come on.
Let's go see kezia.

We did it!
We did it!

Kezia: Oh, I know! I know!

Albert: They'll never come back!
Never!

Andy: And your taxes
are all paid up!

Oh, hallelujah!

All: Hallelujah!

I came out to see what
all the fuss was about,

and I got to laughing so
hard, I fell in the lake!

You won't tell
on us, will you?

Never!

Ho ho ho!

Never!

Now, uh...

Why don't you
clean yourself up

and stay and
have some supper?

We're having
a large fish...

An enormous fish.

I don't mind if I do!