Little Britain (2003–2006): Season 4, Episode 1 - Little Britain Abroad: Part 1 - full transcript

NARRATOR: Britain, Britain, Britain.

You're simply the best,
better than all the rest.

Better than any other country,

any other country that I have ever met.

There's no reason to ever leave,
unless you need to go to the loo.

And yet they go. Do they go?.
Yes, they do do go.

Let us see what happens when we take
Little Britain abroad.

Come on, Charlie.

We begin our journey in Britain,

where Lou Todd has some rather
exciting news for his friend Andy.

Trish has had her hair done.



Now, Andy, I've got a surprise for you.

Yeah, I know.

-No, you don't know. It's a surprise.
-I know.

You know the nice people from the church

-that we go to on Sundays?.
-Don't like them.

Well, they like you,
because they organised

a bring-and-buy sale especially for you.

They raised a lot of money.
And they asked me,

"Where would you most like to go to
in the whole world?. "

and I said,
"That's an easy one. Disney World."

Can I just have the money?.

So we have to get
your bag packed because, Andrew,

we are getting on a plane
this afternoon.

I'm gonna miss Bargain Hunt.



Yes, you are gonna miss Bargain Hunt.

But you're gonna be in Disney World.
Are you excited?.

Yes.

You're gonna go on
the Monorail Space Mountain

and all the characters
are gonna be there.

Who are you most excited about meeting?.

Gordon the Gopher.

Yeah.

NARRATOR: In Paris, Anne is
paying a visit to the Louvre.

At my age, I'm up all night
visiting the Louvre.

You may not know about Anne.
Have you met Anne?.

She's a keen admirer of Renaissance art,

and when I asked her if there was
anywhere she wanted to visit,

she said...

Meaning here,
the finest art gallery in the world.

And I think what you need to do with
somebody like Anne in a place like this

is just to let her roam free.

She's got to have
her own relationship with the art.

(ALARM BLARING)

(SCREAMING)

I'll see you by the Rembrandts.

NARRATOR: Along with France and Germany,

Spain is one of Europe's
Third World countries.

Here in Majorca,
Carol Beer is the friendly face

of Sunsearchers Holidays.

Sunsearchers. Thi s must be us, dear.

-Morning.
-Morning.

(MICROPHONE SQUEALING)

Hello, my name is Carol. I'm your rep.

Welcome to Spain.

Ifyou'll look to your left,
you'll see Spain.

If you look to your right,
you'll see Spain.

Now, I'm here to make sure your holiday
is fun, fun, fun.

Fun.

Any questions or problems, come to me.

MAN: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Yes, old man.

Sorry, sorry.
My wife's feeling rather nauseous.

Do you think it would be possible
just to stop the coach for a moment

so she can get out and get some air?.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

MAN: Thank you.

Thank you. Excuse me.

(GROANING)

Okay?. All right.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

-Okay?. Yeah?.
-I can't...

Must be something
you had on the plane or...

-Hey...
-My stomach...

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey, hey.

It's all right.

NARRATOR: Myfanwy has left
Llanddewi Brefi

to open a new bar here
on the Greek island of Mykonos.

I went to Mykonos once. I loathed it.

Full of gays. Me and my boyfriend
got the first plane home.

He should be here by now.

Dafydd! Welcome to Mykonos.

Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.

Coming right up.

I can't believe it.
You've actually left Llanddewi Brefi.

I've travelled, Myfanwy.

I went on a geography field trip
to Merthyr Tydfil in 1 987.

I'm so glad you're here.

Well, in the end,
I had to leave Llanddewi.

-It was no place for an out gay man.
-Don't be daft.

I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but the homophobes
there were very homophobic.

-Like who?.
-Father Hughes, Sergeant Evers.

They're bum chums.

Well, Mr Teal, the fireman.

He's always sliding down
some pole or other.

-My mother never accepted it.
-Your mother?.

Oh, she's been lezzing it up
with my Auntie Ruth for years.

-My own mother?.
-Yes!

She's mad for muff.

-Now, what do you think of my bar?.
-It's a bit poofy.

Well, it is a gay bar, Dafydd.

And I want this place to
be full tonight,

so I need you to get yourself
down the beach

and give out these fliers.

Well, I'll be very surprised if you
have any customers at all, Myfanwy.

Everybody knows I am the only gay...

You can say that any more, Dafydd.

You're in Mykonos now.
This town is teeming with todger.

Really?.

Yes. They'll be coming at you
from all angles tonight.

It's going to be a jism jamboree.

Oh, God.

NARRATOR: Aeroplanes were invented
in 1972 by Dr Peter Aeroplane.

He and his wife Susan Helicopter

invented many of the modes
of air travel we enjoy today.

-What are you watching, Andy?.
-Summat about a plane.

-Mr T odd?.
-Yes, air stewardess.

I've just spoken to the captain.
He said it's fine

for you and your friend
to visit the cockpit now if you'd like.

Oh, thanks for sorting that out for us.
It's very kind of you.

You're very lovely.

-Right, well, I better go and do the...
-Sorry. Where is the cockpit?.

-It's at the front.
-Yes, yes, of course it is, yes.

Okay.

We're getting off at Florida.

-I know you are.
-Are you going to Florida?.

Yes. We're all going to Florida.

Right, well, I'd better go
and do the duty free.

Can I just say you look very pretty
in all your make-up?.

Thank you.

You love her.

NARRATOR: Our next stop, Rome.
I do love Italian cuisine.

Alphabetti Spaghetti and a Cornetto.
Bellissimo!.

-Buonasera, signore.
-Not a word.

Well.

We certainly packed a lot into today,
didn't we?.

Yes, Judy.

Did you find
my tour of Rome informative?.

Oh, yes, Maggie.

Though I would have preferred
a little less emphasis on Mussolini.

He's a very misunderstood figure.

Yes, he was a fascist dictator,

but let he who is without sin
cast the first stone, Judy.

Yes.

Now, time for beddington.

What are you doing, Maggie?.

I thought we could
keep each other company.

It will be like being
back in Girls' Brigade.

(STUTTERING)

Well, I'll just go into the bathroom
and put my nightdress on.

Don't be silly, Judy.

You can get undressed here. Let me help.

(EXCLAIMS)

(PURRING)

You have very firm breasts
for a lady of your age, Judy.

Thank you, Maggie.

You can touch mine if you like.

(STUTTERING)

I think I'm all right, actually.

Kiss me.

-Good night, Maggie.
-No, Judy. Properly.

Like this.

What's the matter, Judy?.
You're stiff as a board.

Well, Maggie, I am very flattered,
but it's not really my sort of thing.

I have no issue with you being lesbian.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm chairwoman
of the local Conservative association.

Well, that doesn't mean
you're not lesbian.

Piffle. I'm not lesbian.

Now, lie down on the bed
and get those knickers off.

Maggie, if one desires
sexual relations with women,

one is lesbian.

-Really?.
-Yes.

You mean that I'm a...

(RETCHING)

Are you all right, Maggie?.

Maggie, get some air!
Maggie, this way, quick!

(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)

In English, please.

NARRATOR: After a continental breakfast
of Fizzy Fruit,

sweaty cheese and some other stuff
you don't know what it is,

Jerry and Evelyn are off
to see their holiday rep.

Good morning. Now...

It' s not 9: 00 yet.
I haven't started work.

Sorry.

Right. Well, we thought it might be
rather nice to book an excursion.

You're a bit late.
Most people booked theirs last night.

Well, if you hadn't driven off
without us...

Are there any tickets available
for the concert in the square tonight?.

Computer says no.

Well, what about the boat trip?.
Any places left on the boat trip?.

There's one place left.
Would you be prepared to swim alongside?.

-I'm not a very strong swimmer.
-No.

-What about the monastery?.
-There's a lot of steps.

-Oh, well, then...
-You're quite old.

I don't want you dropping down
dead on me.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Are there any trips still available?.

Legoland, Windsor.

Is there anyone you could call?.

I could try the Spanish rep.
See if she's any cancellations.

(PHONE RINGING)

She must be busy.

?S??.

?Tuvo alguno cancellation
para una excursi?n?.

La computadora dice que no.

NARRATOR: When British people
travel abroad,

they always behave
in an exemplary fashion.

That a Briton is awaiting trial
in this Thai prison

must be a miscarriage of justice.

Oh, no, it's her.

(SPEAKING IN THAI)

(SPEAKING IN THAI)

Hello, Vicky. I'm Charles Tate
from the British Embassy here.

I came as quickly as I could.
Now, you hardly need me to tell you

that drug smuggling
is a very serious offence.

And if you're found guilty, you could
spend the rest of your life in prison.

All right!

Vicky, I'm here to try and help.

Now, can you please explain to me
how you came to have

ten kilos of heroin in your luggage?.

God, this is like being back at school.
I've never even done nothing or nothing.

Let me tell you the whole thing, right.

'Cause we was all at
the ice-skating rink.

Only Kerry Maynard never came
because she burnt her foot

on one of
Shazney Lowe's hair straighteners.

But, anyway, good,
'cause she wasn't even invited anyway.

She's like well gay,
'cause she's only got three Asbos

and one of them was only for going "uh"
at a social worker.

Right, but that doesn't explain how you
came to have the drugs in your luggage.

I'm getting there!

God, I was just about to tell you
if you had just waited.

So rude.

So, anyway, this whole other thing
happened summat or nothing,

because we was all at the ice rink,

and it was playing
this really old song that was like...

# Informer you know say daddy me snow
me-a gonna blame

# A licky boom-boom down #

And this bloke came up to me.
He was like, "You are well fit."

I was like, "Shut up."
He's like, "You well are."

I was like, "No, I'm not. Get a life."
He's like, "You well are."

I was like, "Yeah, you're right.
I'm the fittest girl in Bristol."

And that is true,
apart from Denise Kilcannon.

But then everyone knows Denise Kilcannon

had a backstreet boob job for 1 00 quid,

and now her tits look like
the Mitchell Brothers.

Did this man offer you money
to take the suitcase through customs?.

Yeah, he just said,
"Go to Thailand or summat or nothing

"and bring this bag back."

And then when I get home,
he's gonna give me 30 quid

and he's going to get me in the VIP room
at Slappers in Fishponds.

But did he tell you that you were going
to be transporting an illegal substance?.

No, but yeah.
But no, he just told me it was heroin.

Well, it's not going to be easy,

but I'm going to do my best
to get you out of here.

Yeah, well, you better.

'Cause if you don't, my posse
are well gonna give you beatings

'cause I, like, totally hate this place.
'Cause it's full of perverts.

Like, see that one over there
with the gammy eye?.

Last night I was in the showers
and she spent the whole time

totally staring at my chicken satay.

Well, Vicky, the trial is scheduled
to start on Thursday.

Have you thought yet about
how you're going to plead?.

What's the one you say when you done it?.

Guilty.

And what's the one you say
when you done it,

but you don't want anyone
to know you done it?.

-Not guilty.
-Not guilty.

NARRATOR: In Mykonos, bald back-botherer
Dafydd is handing out leaflets.

In your dreams.

Not gay.

No.

Straight as a die.

Oh, am I to be the only gay
on this island?.

What have you got there, dear?.

It's just a flier for a new bar
that's opening.

It wouldn't interest you.

Let's have a varda.

(EXCLAIMS)

Myfanwy's Place. Looks fab.

I'm seeing the boys later.
We'll pop down.

I should warn you
this is a gay bar for gays.

I had gathered, dear.

You would need to be a gay to get in.

I am a gay.
I'm as gay as a gay can be gay.

-I'm a gay. A gay gay.
-Really?.

-Have you ever seen a man naked?.
-Yes.

Totally naked?. In the nude?.

-No clothes on?.
-Yes.

-Not even socks?.
-Yes.

-Really?. What was it like?.
-Good.

Yes, well, I don't...
Have you ever touched a man's winkle?.

Yes, of course I have.

-What was that like?.
-Nice.

Yes, well, I still don't...
What about a man's bottom?.

-Have you stroked one of those?.
-Yes.

-What was that like?.
-Very nice, too.

Also nice. What about...

Actually, I don't think
there is anything else, is there?.

That would be about it, wouldn't it?.

Oh, you poor thing.
Well, I'll see you later, pet.

I don't think so.

-What is your problem?.
-What do you mean?.

I've watched you trolling up and down
this beach for the past half hour now.

You haven't given a flier out
to anybody.

I haven't seen anybody
I can be sure is gay yet.

When I do, they will receive a leaflet.
Good day.

And this here, that's our ground speed.

-That's the ground speed, is it?.
-That's the ground speed.

The ground speed. The old ground speed.

So, Andy, your friend Lou tells me
you've always wanted to be a pilot.

Yeah.

Well, you need to work very hard.
In fact, you need a science degree.

Do you have a science degree?.

-Have I got a science degree?.
-No.

-No.
-No.

Well, one thing a pilot has to do
is make announcements to the cabin.

-Would you like to do that, Andy?.
-Oh, he'd love to, Captain.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.

I'd like to hand you over
to our new co-pilot,

who has a message for you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

-Well, thank you so much, Captain.
-You're welcome.

Wanna press a button.

No. Let's leave the nice captain to it.

-Wanna press that red one.
-No. That switches the engines off.

We only press that
when the aircraft has landed.

-Yeah, I know. Wanna press it.
-It's been very nice meeting you.

Thanks again, Captain. Come along now.

-Oh, my God!
-Sorry.

(ALARM BLARING)

NARRATOR: As part of
a new Fat Fighters' initiative,

Marjorie Dawes has been sent
to take a class here in America,

which is a small, shy, retiring country.
You don 't hear very much about it.

They like to keep themselves
to themselves and not get involved.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Hello, fat fighters.

Blimey, they told me
America was full of fat people.

They were not wrong, were they?.

My fatties may be big,
but you are something else.

Look at you. I'll see what I can do.

Okay, so, my name is Marjorie.

-ALL: Hello, Marjorie.
-Oh, we're lively.

And I work at Fat Fighters in Britain.

Now, the first thing I always do is
find out if we've got any new members.

-Have we got any new members?.
-Hey, I'm new.

Blimey, you are big.

And you're the sheriff of this town,
are you?.

-That's correct, ma'am.
-Oh, better watch what I say.

Okay, do you want to join me
at the front, my sweetness?.

Yes?. And we can try and find out
just why you are the size of a house.

-Okay, so what's your name, my love?.
-Judy, ma'am.

And, Judy ma'am, why do you think
you are so fat?.

It's comfort eating. I've been through
a very difficult time of...

Just got divorced and I'm on my own now.

-Have you thought about lesbianism?.
-What?.

There's a lot of fat lezzers.

-No.
-No.

And tell me, my sweetness,
how old are you?.

-Forty-seven.
-You look older, okay?.

I do mean that kindly.

So what advice have we got
for a woman who is 47,

her husband's left her,

and she's so big
she can't wipe her own arse?.

-Excuse me.
-Yes.

When I was little,
nobody told me I was beautiful.

Obviously.

Judy, I'm gonna tell you something,
and I want you to keep it in your heart.

Oh, get to the point, dear.
It's not Falcon Crest.

No matter what people say,
you are beautiful.

You're not, but...

So, anyone else got any advice for Judy?.

To stop her becoming
one of these super-fatties.

You know, the ones you see on the telly,
lying naked in a room

as a team of people wash and feed them.

-This is too much.
-It's for your own good.

Yes, my Latino friend.

Quit snacking.

-Sorry?.
-Quit snacking.

-Do it again.
-Quit snacking.

-Do it again.
-Quit snacking.

-Do it again.
-Quit snacking.

-Oh, quit... No, say it again.
-She said, "Quit snacking."

Oh, that's a good one.

Yes, tell her thank you.

-Yes, what's your name?.
-Phil.

You took that literally, didn't you?.

Yes. So, Phil, what would you like
to say to Judy?.

There's a lot of
great diet books out there.

I think the best one I've read
is Oprah's book.

It really helped me.
I can lend you a copy if you like.

-No, don't. She'll only eat it.
-That's enough.

-You're a very rude woman.
-What are you gonna do, arrest me?.

I've got grounds to, ma'am.

Racial discrimination of this lady here,
violation of my civil rights.

Make one more offensive comment, ma'am,

I'm gonna have to take you
down to the station.

All right, Boss Hogg.

That's it. I'm placing you under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up that right,
anything you say

can and will be used as evidence.
You have the right to an attorney

and to have an attorney present.

(SIREN BLARING)

MARJORIE: Still fat, though.

NARRATOR: In Mykonos, it's opening night
for Myfanwy's bar.

Look at those two.
He's a gay, she's a lezzer.

They're both morbidly obese.
Is this entertainment?.

I' ll have another Bacardi and Coke,
please, Myfanwy.

Where is everyone?. It's nearly midnight.

You didn't give any fliers out, did you?.

-How dare you?. Of course I did.
-How many?.

-Two.
-Two?.

Yes. One to a five-year-old girl

and one to a very nice nun
I met in the village square.

Great. Just the right crowd
for a gay bar.

-They might pop in.
-Thanks a lot, Dafydd.

An empty bar on my opening night.

Well, I'm sorry, Myfanwy,
but it looks like

I am the only gay on the Greek island
of Mykonos.

(SPEAKING IN GREEK)

NARRATOR: It's halfpast
4 Poofs at a Piano,

and Carol Beer is on the warpath.

I had a call from head office
this morning.

Yeah?.

Apparently you've made
a complaint about me.

That's right.

Saying that I've been rude
and unhelpful.

-Well, we have been...
-A little disappointed.

A little disappointed
with your attitude so far.

(SOBBING)

I've trained so hard to make sure
people have a good holiday.

That's all I want.

And for someone to say that
I've been rude and unhelpful

is like a dagger through my heart.

I can never forgive myself.
I'd rather die.

Look, we certainly
didn't mean to upset you like this.

We'll withdraw the complaint.

Good.

CAROL: Dirty shitters.

NARRATOR: Bubbles Devere
spends the summer months

jetting between the capitals of Europe.

This must be the one.

I'm here, darling.

Today she has entered Monte Carlo.

I entered Monte Carlo once.
He was furious.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

-Is Ronnie baby in?.
-And you are?.

Mrs Devere. But call me Bubbles,
darling, everybody does.

-Is he expecting you?.
-Of course, darling.

We're old friends.
He's invited me to stay for the season.

Well, if madam could
wait here one moment.

Ferrero Rocher. He is doing well.

Do I... Do I know you?.

Excuse me,
I'm just finishing a Ferrero Rocher.

-I'll just have one more.
-Please, madam.

What are you doing here?.

Now don't say
you don't remember me, darling.

Oh, he's always been so naughty
with his jokie-jokies.

It's me, darling, Bubbles.

-We met at Phil Cool's.
-I've never met him.

-Phil Cool. You must know Philly Cool.
-No. I don't know him.

That's right.
Leave the little people behind.

Well, what are we waiting for?.
Champagne! Champagne for everyone!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.

But why?. Your wife's not here.

I thought we could have a bit of
"How's your father been?. "

-Pierre, call the police.
-Oui, Monsieur.

Alone at last. Very clever, darling.

The Ferrero Rocher,

a chilled bottle of Appletiser
on the drinks trolley.

You've certainly set the scene
for seduction.

If you leave now,

I promise I won't press charges.

Ever since I saw you
as Timothy Lumsden on Sorry,

I knew I had to have you.

Just bloody leave.

Language, Timothy.

Oh, you're so sexy.

# Everything about you's so sexy

# You don't even know what you've got

# Mr Ronnie Corbett

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# And work it a little

# Get hot just a little

# And meet in the middle

# Let go just a little bit more

# And you've made your fanny
move it more #

More.

Monsieur, the police will be here
in five minutes.

Could they make it 1 0?.

(GROANS)

Where's Mickey Mouse?.

NARRATOR: And so,
we conclude our journey abroad.

I'm not sure I enjoyed abroad,

and I don't think
I'll be going there again.

Oh, there's another episode.

Well, I suppose I'll have to then.

Till next time, good bad.