Little America (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Cowboy - full transcript
Good luck, son.
Remember, Cavanaugh?
Fifteen years ago at the Meceita ranch?
Sugar rots the teeth.
Take this, Iwegbuna.
But you forgot one thing.
To kill me.
Get up!
No more picture. Go home!
We'll catch another movie next month.
Your mother wants us
back at the shop soon anyhow.
Chioke.
Careful, my little cowboys.
This is a big horse.
Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So, it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Excuse me, is that seat taken?
No. And it is a shame.
This is the second-best seat in the room.
There's almost no glare
from the lights on the board.
The best seat, of course, is mine.
We can rotate.
Would you just mind moving?
'Cause we're all in a study group.
Sure.
Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee,
is there any reason you're standing?
Yes?
Can you extinguish your cigarette?
It's public space
and the smoke is not that pleasant.
Again, my sincere apologies for last week.
As all of you know, Ms. Jones
is having some personal issues.
So, we will be hiring a new TA.
Anybody interested,
come see me after class.
An exciting opportunity.
How much does it pay?
Again, see me after class.
Kenneth Arrow's theorem of
welfare economics. What do we think?
My mail finally came.
I hope there's good news in your box, too.
Sure.
Brother! I am rounding
everyone up to come talk to you.
How are you?
Fine. Fine.
Tell me the truth.
I am surviving.
You're the first Ikeji to touch America.
Must be lonely.
But remember the plan.
Go to school.
Get a degree.
Come back home.
You'll soon be back here where you belong.
Running Dad's shop beside me.
He's smiling at us from heaven.
Iwegbuna! Hello!
Gramma's talking.
Mma, you don't have to dress up
in order to send a tape.
I will dress for my son.
I sent you some cloth I wove!
It's been selling out in the store.
Know that God is keeping us well.
There has been some fighting
between soldiers and the president,
but it doesn't sound too bad.
I want to see you.
Save up faster so you can come home.
Move away from the recorder now.
I'm talking with...
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
was not shot,
or Nott was shot.
Okay. Good.
Good. Remember, the goal is one sound.
On to today's extemporaneous speech,
"What I Did This Weekend."
Leith.
I buried me dog.
Funeral an' all 'cause of me gal.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse
on that one, if you ask me.
Okay. What an improvement.
I lost my car in a parking lot.
Okay.
My mother dresses up
even though I cannot see her.
My nieces and nephews are out of control.
My brother is worried that I am lonely
and suggested that I visit
my Nigerian friends in Tulsa soon.
We are going to do...
Okay. Remember, we were supposed
to talk about our life here, not Nigeria,
what we did this weekend.
Yes, that is what I am doing.
Oh, I'm a little confused.
But why are you only confused with me?
My elocution is fine.
I don't have Karolina's
whisper-whisper problem,
and my accent is not as thick as Leith's.
Haud yer wheesht.
Okay.
Remember, we talked about
not alienating our "audience," right,
by pointing out their personal challenges.
But wasn't everything I said true?
No, I think people perhaps
are more forthright in Nigeria.
Good afternoon, Professor Robbins.
I filled my TA application weeks ago.
When do we hear?
The application window hasn't closed yet.
I see. Well, to refresh your memory,
I'm the best in class.
I have the most need, and the money
will help me to get back home this summer.
I'm trying to hire a student
who can teach in my stead.
- That is me.
- You're also extremely pushy.
How am I pushy?
Well, take for example how you're
going about trying to get this job.
Look, the truth is,
you make people a little uncomfortable.
And for someone
who wants to join the faculty,
you don't seem to try very hard to fit in.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
So, I says to him, "Sure, you can keep
your job. Long as I keep the paycheck."
Can I help you with sumpin'?
This... is a wonderful place.
Thank ya.
You know your hat size?
I do not. But I would like to.
- What you said this was for again?
- To wear.
Well, right, but to wear to where?
Well, every one's
for something different, see?
That's a Ten-gallon. The Cattleman. Gus.
Cutter, Brick, Gambler.
What you looking for?
I want the hat that is strongest.
Now, that's the one.
That's the one.
This is the price?
Well, that's a steal right there.
Who pays this amount for anything?
My pop gave me this hat
on my 18th birthday, 50 years ago.
These ain't baseball caps, you understand?
These are investments.
Pick the right one
and you'll have a partner for life.
What's your shoe size?
You gonna need a pair of boots.
No, I don't have any more money.
Well, I didn't ask you about money.
I know it don't look like it now,
but I understand. I been there.
Vern, why don't you give him
them pair a boots
I brought in here and left last week.
Might be a bit big on ya.
They'll chafe them heels like crazy.
But if you soak 'em in a tub of water,
they'll draw up.
You are too kind.
And don't worry, boots cannot hurt me.
Hello.
Iwegbuna. I had to tape this immediately!
It is too funny.
Your cousin Eno's wedding is in three days
and I wanted to cook.
Your brother bought me
a live goat for stew.
But this goat is too smart.
It does not want to die.
It ran away from him into the house...
It's in here, Chioke!
I'm telling you!
Your brother is a herdsman!
Bad goat!
Nothing you're doing over there is as
crazy as what is happening here.
Mama.
I need some help.
No, not me.
I'm too old for goat games.
My son.
Listen to me.
I want you to experience something there
before you return home.
Yes, Mma.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee.
Why don't you...
find a seat and we'll get started.
So, picking up on the discussion
of advanced industrial development
as it relates to
the stabilization of exchange rates.
Move, cow.
Move, cow.
Bad cow!
Ah, shit.
Hey, what are you doing?
- I'll help you.
- You're gonna hurt your damn self.
Watch out.
All right, stay back, now. Stay back.
Settle.
That wasn't quite what I was looking for.
While you're here, give me a hand.
Come on, son. Grab her backside.
Easy, easy.
You wanna help? Come on, give me a hand.
You got to get a hold of it, son.
All right.
Now, dig them pretty boots of yours
into the ground like they're tree stumps.
Dig them boots in. Good. Good.
Now, settle.
Just be here with her.
That's good.
All right, you can let her go.
All right, girl. Go ahead.
Nice job, greenhorn. Get that gate.
Orange soda, please.
Put that on my tab.
That's a big toothpick.
Where you get something like that?
Nigeria.
Shucks. You don't have to.
First year in a pair of new boots
is always a doozy.
Pretty soon you won't remember
how you ever got along without 'em.
Those there will last you a lifetime.
Three pitches.
Three strikes. Three outs.
Only in America can
such a perfect game exist.
Baseball.
Only in America do you add tax
after you see the ticket price.
Only here do you...
smile but you don't mean it.
Karolina, such progress.
Thank you.
Here is something... only in America.
Hamburgers.
Cheeseburgers.
Bacon cheeseburgers.
Chili cheeseburgers.
Bacon chili cheeseburgers.
Why? Why do this?
Have other food on your plate if you must.
Have your bread, your tomato.
But why wet lettuce? Why put cheese?
Then bacon? A pig, too?
This stacking everything on
top of everything, it's a sickness.
What do you even taste?
You taste the wet ketchup.
The wet mustard.
The wet onions.
The wet pickles.
The wettest, most wet secret sauce.
When God made the meats,
do you think God said to Adam,
"This must have the sauce."
Why even have the cow?
You will not notice if I let it run free.
You will still say,
"What a delicious hamburger. Very wet."
This is something only in America.
Bravo.
- I was just dancing.
- Jackson Six.
Brothers. Sisters.
It's so nice to see my old friends again.
My legs fell asleep from four hours
of driving, but I made it.
Hey, hey, hey! Iwegbuna!
The African Howdy Doody has arrived.
Brother, I knew you are lonely,
but come see us more instead of this, huh?
We can pitch in for gas or drive to you.
I was lonely, but it is getting better.
- Victor, is there any more fufu left?
- Of course.
I have traveled all the way to Tulsa
so I can eat real food.
Don't get too excited.
It's made from Bisquick.
I call it "Okie fufu."
Iwegbuna, you're changing the subject.
Why are you dressed like that?
- Yes.
- You and your cowboy fetish.
Mr. Pony Express.
Just as the Igbo man
understands the importance of home...
Here we go.
So does a cowboy.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
We respect women and children.
We walk with confidence
even though our country spat on us.
That's right.
What are we if not cowboy?
Fire!
I watched Westerns with my father
before he died.
- Yeah.
- He was a cowboy, too.
And to our host
and the pounder of Okie fufu.
Thank you, Victor.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
- Yeah. You try it.
- I am so happy for this,
but I cannot wait until I get home
and eat some of my mother's yam and egusi.
Iwegbuna. When was the last time
you heard from your family?
It's been a while. The mail service
in Nigeria has been terrible. Why?
I had to cancel my plans
to go home this summer.
I did as well.
Things are getting bad again.
Why all this fear?
The country has survived the civil war.
What more can happen?
You are too smart to be this naive.
People are so scared right now,
they are moving all their money
out of Nigerian banks.
If I were you, I'd call home.
Operator.
- Operator?
- Yes?
Yes.
- International, please.
- What country?
- Nigeria, Abiriba.
- What's the number?
Just page me to their call center.
I need to leave a message.
- Do you accept the charges?
- Yes. I'll accept the charges.
Please hold.
Iwegbuna.
Chioke!
Chioke! Speak up!
You know the line is bad.
Brother,
it's so good to hear your voice.
I wish I could see your face.
What is happening?
Listen.
There's talk of a military takeover!
You hear me?
What are they doing now?
No one knows.
We are fine.
We're packing up the business...
just in case they try to take everything.
What? I should come home.
Tell him no.
How long now? Wrap it up.
I have just enough for a one-way.
- I am coming home.
- No!
- But the plan was...
- No, no, no!
Plans change!
There's no way to build anything
in Nigeria right now.
You are over there.
Make something of yourself where you can.
That's how you will help us.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
So, tell me, Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee...
why are you the best candidate
for this position?
I don't know. Maybe I'm not.
I don't even know
if I need this job anymore.
Really? I mean, you've been
harassing me about this for weeks.
What gives, Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee?
"Ikeji,"
not "Ah-Kee-Gee." Mr. Ikeji.
I needed this job
so I could save money to visit home.
My country has collapsed, and I will not
be going back for the foreseeable future.
Well, Mr. Ikeji,
Nigeria has oil,
so the economy will bounce back...
No. When the oil came,
it made us feel rich.
But it was just the beginning
of Dutch disease.
Well, I'm not sure the Corden-Neary model
really applies in this instance, but I...
It does. Nigeria basically functions
as a single-product economy.
Oil was discovered,
the value of the currency spiked,
but the broader economy stopped growing.
Now it is extreme poverty
and widespread corruption.
Now my country has been
overthrown by the military.
I did read about that. I'm sorry.
But I must say...
Mr. Ikeji, the notion of Corden-Neary
in West Africa is...
fascinating.
The model is a great predictor of
destabilization in developing countries.
Hello?
Family!
Chioke, how are you?
Mma, I hope you're still
dressing up for me.
Hello!
We can't even trust
what the newspaper tells us anymore.
Stop looking at that.
Come listen to your brother's tape.
I have been wanting to send you something
to cheer us all up.
Some goodgood, sweetsweet news.
Your pride and joy, Iwegbuna Ikeji,
has landed a job.
I am a teacher's assistant
to Professor Robbins
in the graduate economics department.
And next semester,
I will lead a course on understanding
economies of developing nation-states.
Hey!
Wow.
Chioke, you know
I've rediscovered something?
Cowboys.
Cowboys are real.
I've seen them.
In fact, I'm watching them now
while talking to you.
I want to see them myself. I wish I could.
One day
I will fly you all here
so you can meet them.
It's a hard life for cowboys,
but they survive it. Just like us.
Chioke.
The business may be gone,
but your brilliant mind
will come up with another plan.
Don't worry too much.
I'll be fine here. I promise.
I'm going to let
the tape record to the end.
So you can hear the cows.
But I think you can go
deeper into capital flow.
They say "follow the money," right?
- Thanks.
- Keep up the good work.
Mr. Ikeji.
Is everything okay?
There's a department custom to...
hand-deliver the first paycheck
to new faculty.
- We're happy to have you.
- We're happy to have you.
My advice:
Spend that on something special.
Remember, Cavanaugh?
Fifteen years ago at the Meceita ranch?
Sugar rots the teeth.
Take this, Iwegbuna.
But you forgot one thing.
To kill me.
Get up!
No more picture. Go home!
We'll catch another movie next month.
Your mother wants us
back at the shop soon anyhow.
Chioke.
Careful, my little cowboys.
This is a big horse.
Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So, it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Excuse me, is that seat taken?
No. And it is a shame.
This is the second-best seat in the room.
There's almost no glare
from the lights on the board.
The best seat, of course, is mine.
We can rotate.
Would you just mind moving?
'Cause we're all in a study group.
Sure.
Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee,
is there any reason you're standing?
Yes?
Can you extinguish your cigarette?
It's public space
and the smoke is not that pleasant.
Again, my sincere apologies for last week.
As all of you know, Ms. Jones
is having some personal issues.
So, we will be hiring a new TA.
Anybody interested,
come see me after class.
An exciting opportunity.
How much does it pay?
Again, see me after class.
Kenneth Arrow's theorem of
welfare economics. What do we think?
My mail finally came.
I hope there's good news in your box, too.
Sure.
Brother! I am rounding
everyone up to come talk to you.
How are you?
Fine. Fine.
Tell me the truth.
I am surviving.
You're the first Ikeji to touch America.
Must be lonely.
But remember the plan.
Go to school.
Get a degree.
Come back home.
You'll soon be back here where you belong.
Running Dad's shop beside me.
He's smiling at us from heaven.
Iwegbuna! Hello!
Gramma's talking.
Mma, you don't have to dress up
in order to send a tape.
I will dress for my son.
I sent you some cloth I wove!
It's been selling out in the store.
Know that God is keeping us well.
There has been some fighting
between soldiers and the president,
but it doesn't sound too bad.
I want to see you.
Save up faster so you can come home.
Move away from the recorder now.
I'm talking with...
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
was not shot,
or Nott was shot.
Okay. Good.
Good. Remember, the goal is one sound.
On to today's extemporaneous speech,
"What I Did This Weekend."
Leith.
I buried me dog.
Funeral an' all 'cause of me gal.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse
on that one, if you ask me.
Okay. What an improvement.
I lost my car in a parking lot.
Okay.
My mother dresses up
even though I cannot see her.
My nieces and nephews are out of control.
My brother is worried that I am lonely
and suggested that I visit
my Nigerian friends in Tulsa soon.
We are going to do...
Okay. Remember, we were supposed
to talk about our life here, not Nigeria,
what we did this weekend.
Yes, that is what I am doing.
Oh, I'm a little confused.
But why are you only confused with me?
My elocution is fine.
I don't have Karolina's
whisper-whisper problem,
and my accent is not as thick as Leith's.
Haud yer wheesht.
Okay.
Remember, we talked about
not alienating our "audience," right,
by pointing out their personal challenges.
But wasn't everything I said true?
No, I think people perhaps
are more forthright in Nigeria.
Good afternoon, Professor Robbins.
I filled my TA application weeks ago.
When do we hear?
The application window hasn't closed yet.
I see. Well, to refresh your memory,
I'm the best in class.
I have the most need, and the money
will help me to get back home this summer.
I'm trying to hire a student
who can teach in my stead.
- That is me.
- You're also extremely pushy.
How am I pushy?
Well, take for example how you're
going about trying to get this job.
Look, the truth is,
you make people a little uncomfortable.
And for someone
who wants to join the faculty,
you don't seem to try very hard to fit in.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
So, I says to him, "Sure, you can keep
your job. Long as I keep the paycheck."
Can I help you with sumpin'?
This... is a wonderful place.
Thank ya.
You know your hat size?
I do not. But I would like to.
- What you said this was for again?
- To wear.
Well, right, but to wear to where?
Well, every one's
for something different, see?
That's a Ten-gallon. The Cattleman. Gus.
Cutter, Brick, Gambler.
What you looking for?
I want the hat that is strongest.
Now, that's the one.
That's the one.
This is the price?
Well, that's a steal right there.
Who pays this amount for anything?
My pop gave me this hat
on my 18th birthday, 50 years ago.
These ain't baseball caps, you understand?
These are investments.
Pick the right one
and you'll have a partner for life.
What's your shoe size?
You gonna need a pair of boots.
No, I don't have any more money.
Well, I didn't ask you about money.
I know it don't look like it now,
but I understand. I been there.
Vern, why don't you give him
them pair a boots
I brought in here and left last week.
Might be a bit big on ya.
They'll chafe them heels like crazy.
But if you soak 'em in a tub of water,
they'll draw up.
You are too kind.
And don't worry, boots cannot hurt me.
Hello.
Iwegbuna. I had to tape this immediately!
It is too funny.
Your cousin Eno's wedding is in three days
and I wanted to cook.
Your brother bought me
a live goat for stew.
But this goat is too smart.
It does not want to die.
It ran away from him into the house...
It's in here, Chioke!
I'm telling you!
Your brother is a herdsman!
Bad goat!
Nothing you're doing over there is as
crazy as what is happening here.
Mama.
I need some help.
No, not me.
I'm too old for goat games.
My son.
Listen to me.
I want you to experience something there
before you return home.
Yes, Mma.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee.
Why don't you...
find a seat and we'll get started.
So, picking up on the discussion
of advanced industrial development
as it relates to
the stabilization of exchange rates.
Move, cow.
Move, cow.
Bad cow!
Ah, shit.
Hey, what are you doing?
- I'll help you.
- You're gonna hurt your damn self.
Watch out.
All right, stay back, now. Stay back.
Settle.
That wasn't quite what I was looking for.
While you're here, give me a hand.
Come on, son. Grab her backside.
Easy, easy.
You wanna help? Come on, give me a hand.
You got to get a hold of it, son.
All right.
Now, dig them pretty boots of yours
into the ground like they're tree stumps.
Dig them boots in. Good. Good.
Now, settle.
Just be here with her.
That's good.
All right, you can let her go.
All right, girl. Go ahead.
Nice job, greenhorn. Get that gate.
Orange soda, please.
Put that on my tab.
That's a big toothpick.
Where you get something like that?
Nigeria.
Shucks. You don't have to.
First year in a pair of new boots
is always a doozy.
Pretty soon you won't remember
how you ever got along without 'em.
Those there will last you a lifetime.
Three pitches.
Three strikes. Three outs.
Only in America can
such a perfect game exist.
Baseball.
Only in America do you add tax
after you see the ticket price.
Only here do you...
smile but you don't mean it.
Karolina, such progress.
Thank you.
Here is something... only in America.
Hamburgers.
Cheeseburgers.
Bacon cheeseburgers.
Chili cheeseburgers.
Bacon chili cheeseburgers.
Why? Why do this?
Have other food on your plate if you must.
Have your bread, your tomato.
But why wet lettuce? Why put cheese?
Then bacon? A pig, too?
This stacking everything on
top of everything, it's a sickness.
What do you even taste?
You taste the wet ketchup.
The wet mustard.
The wet onions.
The wet pickles.
The wettest, most wet secret sauce.
When God made the meats,
do you think God said to Adam,
"This must have the sauce."
Why even have the cow?
You will not notice if I let it run free.
You will still say,
"What a delicious hamburger. Very wet."
This is something only in America.
Bravo.
- I was just dancing.
- Jackson Six.
Brothers. Sisters.
It's so nice to see my old friends again.
My legs fell asleep from four hours
of driving, but I made it.
Hey, hey, hey! Iwegbuna!
The African Howdy Doody has arrived.
Brother, I knew you are lonely,
but come see us more instead of this, huh?
We can pitch in for gas or drive to you.
I was lonely, but it is getting better.
- Victor, is there any more fufu left?
- Of course.
I have traveled all the way to Tulsa
so I can eat real food.
Don't get too excited.
It's made from Bisquick.
I call it "Okie fufu."
Iwegbuna, you're changing the subject.
Why are you dressed like that?
- Yes.
- You and your cowboy fetish.
Mr. Pony Express.
Just as the Igbo man
understands the importance of home...
Here we go.
So does a cowboy.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
We respect women and children.
We walk with confidence
even though our country spat on us.
That's right.
What are we if not cowboy?
Fire!
I watched Westerns with my father
before he died.
- Yeah.
- He was a cowboy, too.
And to our host
and the pounder of Okie fufu.
Thank you, Victor.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
- Yeah. You try it.
- I am so happy for this,
but I cannot wait until I get home
and eat some of my mother's yam and egusi.
Iwegbuna. When was the last time
you heard from your family?
It's been a while. The mail service
in Nigeria has been terrible. Why?
I had to cancel my plans
to go home this summer.
I did as well.
Things are getting bad again.
Why all this fear?
The country has survived the civil war.
What more can happen?
You are too smart to be this naive.
People are so scared right now,
they are moving all their money
out of Nigerian banks.
If I were you, I'd call home.
Operator.
- Operator?
- Yes?
Yes.
- International, please.
- What country?
- Nigeria, Abiriba.
- What's the number?
Just page me to their call center.
I need to leave a message.
- Do you accept the charges?
- Yes. I'll accept the charges.
Please hold.
Iwegbuna.
Chioke!
Chioke! Speak up!
You know the line is bad.
Brother,
it's so good to hear your voice.
I wish I could see your face.
What is happening?
Listen.
There's talk of a military takeover!
You hear me?
What are they doing now?
No one knows.
We are fine.
We're packing up the business...
just in case they try to take everything.
What? I should come home.
Tell him no.
How long now? Wrap it up.
I have just enough for a one-way.
- I am coming home.
- No!
- But the plan was...
- No, no, no!
Plans change!
There's no way to build anything
in Nigeria right now.
You are over there.
Make something of yourself where you can.
That's how you will help us.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
So, tell me, Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee...
why are you the best candidate
for this position?
I don't know. Maybe I'm not.
I don't even know
if I need this job anymore.
Really? I mean, you've been
harassing me about this for weeks.
What gives, Mr. Ah-Kee-Gee?
"Ikeji,"
not "Ah-Kee-Gee." Mr. Ikeji.
I needed this job
so I could save money to visit home.
My country has collapsed, and I will not
be going back for the foreseeable future.
Well, Mr. Ikeji,
Nigeria has oil,
so the economy will bounce back...
No. When the oil came,
it made us feel rich.
But it was just the beginning
of Dutch disease.
Well, I'm not sure the Corden-Neary model
really applies in this instance, but I...
It does. Nigeria basically functions
as a single-product economy.
Oil was discovered,
the value of the currency spiked,
but the broader economy stopped growing.
Now it is extreme poverty
and widespread corruption.
Now my country has been
overthrown by the military.
I did read about that. I'm sorry.
But I must say...
Mr. Ikeji, the notion of Corden-Neary
in West Africa is...
fascinating.
The model is a great predictor of
destabilization in developing countries.
Hello?
Family!
Chioke, how are you?
Mma, I hope you're still
dressing up for me.
Hello!
We can't even trust
what the newspaper tells us anymore.
Stop looking at that.
Come listen to your brother's tape.
I have been wanting to send you something
to cheer us all up.
Some goodgood, sweetsweet news.
Your pride and joy, Iwegbuna Ikeji,
has landed a job.
I am a teacher's assistant
to Professor Robbins
in the graduate economics department.
And next semester,
I will lead a course on understanding
economies of developing nation-states.
Hey!
Wow.
Chioke, you know
I've rediscovered something?
Cowboys.
Cowboys are real.
I've seen them.
In fact, I'm watching them now
while talking to you.
I want to see them myself. I wish I could.
One day
I will fly you all here
so you can meet them.
It's a hard life for cowboys,
but they survive it. Just like us.
Chioke.
The business may be gone,
but your brilliant mind
will come up with another plan.
Don't worry too much.
I'll be fine here. I promise.
I'm going to let
the tape record to the end.
So you can hear the cows.
But I think you can go
deeper into capital flow.
They say "follow the money," right?
- Thanks.
- Keep up the good work.
Mr. Ikeji.
Is everything okay?
There's a department custom to...
hand-deliver the first paycheck
to new faculty.
- We're happy to have you.
- We're happy to have you.
My advice:
Spend that on something special.