Life with Lucy (1986): Season 1, Episode 9 - Lucy and the Guard Goose - full transcript
(theme music playing)
♪ Every day I'm better
than I ever was before ♪
♪ Every day I'm loving,
living more and more ♪
♪ Every day holds keys
to possibilities galore ♪
♪ Every day is better than before ♪
♪ How you feel depends on who you are ♪
♪ Who you are depends on what you do ♪
♪ What you do is mostly up to you ♪
♪ It's true ♪
I You can make a better you I
♪ Every day is a new world
that I'm eager to explore ♪
♪ Every day opportunity
knocks at my door ♪
♪ Every day I'm loving,
living more and more and more ♪
♪ And every day is better than ♪
♪ Keep on saying, "Yes, I can" ♪
♪ And every day is better than before ♪
(music plays)
Ah! So, there was Bruce Springsteen
sitting on our living room couch.
He had on Levi's and a leather jacket
and headband.
Oh, he looked so cute.
I said, "Bruce, I had a dream about you
last night."
See, in my dream, I told him about
the dream I was having.
Oh! Isn't that funny?
Then Bruce said he had to go
because he was giving a concert
and he couldn't stay to hear
the rest of my dream.
That Bruce knew what he was doing.
Well, if that's the way you're gonna be,
I won't tell you my dreams anymore.
Good.
Well, honey, your dreams do have
a tendency to go on and on and on.
And on... and on...
I think Mom's dreams are neat--
she has celebrities in them.
I like the one where she did the tango
with Tip O'Neill.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning, good morning.
Good morning.
Well. There!
- There you go, Curtis. Sunnyside up!
- Thank you, dear.
Fried eggs, fried eggs.
Are you actually going to eat those?
No, I'm going to rub them in my hair.
Do you know what eggs
do to your cholesterol level?
Will you kindly leave
my eating habits alone?
Okay, if you don't care
what happens to you.
My father
ate two fried eggs for breakfast
and a hard-boiled egg for lunch
every day of his life,
and he died at 96!
(chuckles)
Well, there you are-- too many eggs.
- Anybody want to hear a joke?
- No.
Well, I do, Kevin.
Go ahead.
Watch out, Kevin,
it's a tough audience.
You know what a "humbug" is?
Well, I give up.
What's a "humbug"?
A bug who can't
remember the words.
(laughing)
Sometimes I crack myself up.
(humming)
What in the world is all that?
Bran, granola, wheat germ,
and dried bananas.
You don't recognize it
because it doesn't come with French fries.
(telephone rings)
Hello?
Oh, just a minute.
Curtis, it's for you. It's Leonard.
Oh, oh, all right.
(humming)
Hello, Leonard, how are--
Leonard?
Leonard, get a hold of yourself!
They what?
You did! Did you?
You did!
Ah ha! I'll be right there.
The shop has been robbed!
-(gasps)
- You're kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding? Come on!
We've got to go and check up on this
robbery! Thievery!
Everything going! Gone!
Will you stop eating that stuff
and help me?
We've got to take inventory.
They may have stolen the whole store.
I don't know what--
He couldn't tell me, he was so--
Come on, let's go.
- Leonard! Leonard!
- Oh, Mr. McGibbon.
Leonard, what happened?
Well, Mr. McGibbon, I came in here
this morning at 7:00, like I always do,
and then I open up the store,
like I always do,
and then I made the coffee,
like I always do,
and then I--
I see the empty shelves.
And I say, "Oh! We've been ripped off!"
So, l-l-l... I go to the phone,
and I call the police,
then I call you, then you
come running in here,
grab me and say,
"What happened, Leonard?!"
Well, Leonard,
what did they take?
All the power tools.
Power tools!
Oh, that's good.
Good?!
Well, we won't lose as much
because they were on sale.
Iii
I've been in this business for 36 years
and I have never had a robbery
in my store.
Our store. Remember, we're partners.
We're in this thing together, Curtis.
Where are the police?
You called them, didn't you?
- The sergeant said--
- Oh, never mind, I'll call him myself.
They're never around when you want them.
Probably having coffee in some donut shop
while crime rages through the streets!
How in the--
How are you, Officer?
Good morning, folks.
Sergeant Green, Pasadena Police.
Morning.
L, uh, checked the back door, Leonard.
Same as the front.
No sign of breaking and entering.
Somebody had to have a key.
Looks like an inside job.
That's ridiculous.
Don't look at me. I spent the whole night
with my mother in Torrance.
No one's looking at you, Leonard,
and I can certainly give Curtis an alibi.
He never left home.
He kept me awake all night snoring.
I do not snore.
You do too.
I do not!
You do too! Last night you
made the windows rattle.
Please, please, don't quarrel.
Of all the things a cop
has to put up with,
the worst is being in the middle
of a domestic quarrel
between a husband and wife.
We're not married.
Don't... even... think it.
I get it. These days,
a lot of people live together.
Oh-ho-ho! Watch it, Sergeant.
Oh, wait. Wait, just a minute.
We haven't established where you were,
Lucille.
Yes, we have.
She had to be home,
or she wouldn't have heard you
snoring your head off.
Thank you, Leonard.
Well, I think that about wraps it up.
Here's a copy of the police report.
You'll need that
for the insurance company.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you, Officer.
- Yes, thank you, Officer.
- You're always on the alert.
- Lucy: Thank you very much.
- We're so happy you--
Yeah. And just for the record,
Mrs. Barker and I are strictly
business associates.
(Curtis groans)
(door slams)
I wonder how somebody got in here.
I mean, they had to have a key.
That cuts you out, Lucille.
You're always losing your keys.
Well, not anymore. You nag me so much,
I had a whole bunch of keys made,
and I put one in each purse.
Then I put another one
in one of our key rocks,
and I put it by the back door. Go check.
Go check for yourself.
You're supposed to hide those
in a rock garden.
Well, we don't have a rock garden
in the back alley.
And where did you put the sign that says,
"Key hidden here"?
Well, Mrs. B, it's gone.
No key in this rock.
Well, at least he didn't steal the rock.
We saved $4.95.
Oh, Goody, goody-.
We can apply that to the cost
of having all the locks changed.
Maybe you ought to think about getting
a burglar alarm.
Oh, no, that's much too expensive.
Well, what about a guard dog?
Oh, they cost a lot, too.
I know!
We can get a guard goose.
I beg your pardon?
Yeah.
I met this man while I was jogging.
His name is Charlie, uh, Zelman,
and he rents out geese to guard
your property.
The only goose I'm interested in
is the one they roast
for Christmas dinner.
No, no. Now, wait a minute.
I read an article about this,
and it said that the Army is using geese
instead of men in Europe.
Oh, I can see them marching now.
Doing the goose step, of course.
This article said that they have had
guard geese since 390 B.C.
The Romans used them to keep from being
conquered by the Gauls!
- Curtis, this really is a good idea.
- Yeah.
Now, Charlie Zelman
is just getting started,
so I bet that he would, you know,
let you have one cheap,
just for the publicity.
Cheap. Ah.
You have just caught my attention.
Wait a minute.
How can a goose
guard anything?
Well, they have sensitive hearing,
and when somebody comes sneaking around,
they honk,
and they hiss,
and they make an awful racket.
That wouldn't scare anybody away.
Well, they also pinch.
Aah!
Well, Lucille,
this goose idea better work.
Okay, here you are.
- Well.
- Here's... Oliver!
Oh, Charlie, he's cute.
-(honking)
- Hi there, Oliver.
Don't put your hand in there!
Geese like to pinch.
So do certain people.
I'll pick him up about 8:00
in the morning.
- You folks ready to go?
- Lucille: Yeah, we're ready.
All righty.
Okay, Oliver. There you go.
- See you tomorrow.
- Thanks, Charlie.
'Bye-bye!
'(honks)
Bye-bye, Oliver!
I left you some food and some water.
Be a good little goose.
Be a vicious little goose--
that's what we're paying you for!
Okay, Becky, so far so good. Go ahead.
Nine times 6 is 54.
Nine times 7 is 63.
Nine times 8 is 72.
Nine times 9 is...
I forget, Grandma.
What is 9 times 9?
Uh, 9 times 9 is, um...
Eighty-one.
I would have had it in a second.
Well, now, how did you know that, Kevin?
Just a wild guess.
There. All done.
Margo, I cannot believe
that you still iron shirts.
Haven't you heard of perma press?
- Ted doesn't like perma press shirts.
- Nope, they don't breathe.
(telephone rings)
I'll get it.
- Hello?
- Lucy!
Call Charlie Zelman and send him
to the store!
What happened?
Well, that stupid Oliver
attacked me.
What are you doing at the store, anyway?
Well, on the way to the restaurant,
I remembered they don't take credit cards,
so I stopped at the store to get some
cash out of the safe.
L-- never mind about that.
Call Charlie Zelman right away!
Well, there's one good thing.
Yeah, what?
We know the guard goose works.
- Did you call Charlie Zelman?
- Yes, I did.
And?
I got his answering machine.
Before I could leave a message, I had to
listen to Frankie Laine singing,
"I must go where the wild goose goes."
Oh, great, great.
(loud honking)
Oliver, if we come down,
you won't attack us, will you?
Hey.
Wait a minute.
I didn't know we had a safe.
Where is it?
It's behind that picture of Sam and me
taken on the day we opened the store.
What's the combination?
(chuckles)
Wouldn't...
Wouldn't you like to know.
Curtis, half this store is mine.
All right, I'll give you half
the combination.
Now listen, Curtis, you give me all
the combination,
Why, so you can put it in a rock
outside the back door?
(honks)
(honking)
Oliver,
I've just about had it with you.
(honks)
(imitates honking)
...yourself!
(Oliver honks)
(continues imitation)
(grumbles)
(honk fading out)
Curtis!
You hit him!
Look, he's not moving.
You goose assassin!
Is he dead?
We don't know, dear.
Oliver, speak to me.
Say something, Oliver.
Oh, what I wouldn't give
for just one little honk.
What's going on?
Oliver's dead.
Grandpa hit him with a telephone.
It was self-defense.
Maybe I can give him mouth-to-beak
resuscitation.
Dad!
Hey.
That gives me an idea.
(gasps)
Look!
He's breathing.
- See that?
-(all exclaiming)
- That's a good sign.
- He's still breathing.
(sneezes)
Oh! I must be allergic to something.
Uh-oh, don't you remember?
You couldn't ever have feather pillows
when you were a child.
I forgot.
All right, maybe we better
come away from here, honey.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, kids.
- I wanna stay.
- Me, too.
All right, don't worry,
I'll get them to bed.
- All right, but not too late now.
- No, don't worry. Don't worry.
- Goodnight.
- All right. Goodnight.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
Well...
this has been a fun evening...
but I'm going to bed, too.
Well, uh, do you want me to wake you
if Oliver revives?
Only if he calls for me by name.
- Night, kids.
- Night, Grandpa.
Wake up, Oliver. Please.
Come on, Oliver.
Hold your beak up high
and waddle like a man!
(sickly honk)
Good boy, Oliver!
- Grandma, you did it!
- Hooray!
- Hi, Oliver!
- He's moving. Look at that.
Oh, he's so cute.
(loud honk)
No!
(honking continues)
What happened?
What's going on?
I was studying, I got hungry,
I went in the kitchen and got attacked!
That was Oliver.
Yeah, I gathered that, Kevin,
thank you.
(honking)
You! You woke me up!
I was having this great dream.
Mick Jagger came over and wanted
me to join his group,
and I said, "Mick, you can't always
get what you want."
Margo, stuff your dream!
I almost got my leg torn off.
Oh, will I never be free of that
infernal goose!
You should be glad that he's
alive and well.
- Well, I'm not.
-(honks)
Oh, is he gonna keep that up all night?
How can we get him to shut up?
I know.
Let's show him a roasting pan
and tell him how many days till Christmas.
- Curtis!
- Oh...
Well, we have to do something.
I have an exam in the morning.
(sneezes)
Why don't you try Zelman again?
He's got to come home sometime.
(Margo sighs)
(honking continues)
Just-- Just-- Just a minute.
Just a minute.
♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love sent to me ♪
♪ One roasted goose ♪
-(honking continues)
-(groans)
I give UP-
No. No Charlie Zelman.
He's still gone where the wild goose goes.
- Wait a minute. Mom.
- What?
Remember when I was little
and I had that---
(sneezes)
That parakeet?
And he wouldn't stop chattering
until we put the cover over him
so it was dark.
Yeah. You mean, turn out the light
in the kitchen.
- Yeah.
- Good thinking.
-(honking)
- Aah!
(shouting, honking)
Lucille: Oh!
Any more bright ideas, Margo?
Now, don't blame Margo.
You just aren't as fast as you used to be.
My reflexes are just as good
as they were--
-(shushing)
- He stopped.
(whispering)
(loud sneeze)
(honking resumes)
Okay, Oliver!
Okay, that's enough.
Now you listen to me, Oliver.
You listen to me.
People have to get some sleep
around here,
and you are making entirely too much...
(honking)
That... is one tough bird.
(doorbell rings)
Sergeant Green, Pasadena Police.
We've had a complaint from one of your
neighbors of possible goose abuse.
Oh... we can explain that, Officer.
Won't you come in?
Mr. McGibbon,
and Mrs. Barker,
your... business associate.
All right, never mind shooting your
eyebrows up like that.
We live here with my son.
- And my daughter.
- Yeah.
And their adorable grandchildren.
I was gonna call you in the morning.
We found that guy who took
your power tools.
- Nice work!
- Yeah, did you throw him in the slammer?
Yes, and he's gotten a lot of laughs with
that story about the key in the rock.
(goose honking)
Look, Sergeant,
now this is easily explained.
Because of our robbery,
we decided to get a guard goose.
So we hired Oliver and we put him
in the store,
and well... he... he fainted.
I don't know why, exactly.
Grandpa hit him with a telephone.
Iii
(mumbling)
Well, anyway, he revived,
and now he won't let anybody
in the kitchen,
-and we-- see?
-(honking)
And we can't get any sleep.
And I have an exam in law school
in the morning.
It seems to me... (sneezes)
Margo, do you have to do that?
Well, I'm not doing it on purpose.
- Try a little harder.
- How am I supposed to do that?
- Do you think that I like sneezing?
- Sergeant, Sergeant,
what are you gonna do
about this?
Nothing.
I told you how cops feel
about getting in the middle
of a domestic quarrel.
Not them, the goose.
(honks)
You've got to do something- he's vicious!
Yeah, and look what he did
to my pajamas.
And my robe.
All right, get me a blanket.
Oliver's not cold--
he's got Grandma's robe.
(laughing)
I'm gonna throw it over the bird's head
and subdue him.
Yeah. Okay, Oliver.
Okay, we're coming in,
and this time I've got the Law with me.
Okay, Oliver...
(loud honking)
Officer:
Stop that, you stupid bird! Let go--
oh!
- Oh, are you all right?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Lucy?
Are you all right?
We better go in there, Dad.
Lucy? I...
Honk, honk!
Honk, honk!
Honk, honk!
(music plays)
(theme music plays)
♪ Every day I'm better
than I ever was before ♪
♪ Every day I'm loving,
living more and more ♪
♪ Every day holds keys
to possibilities galore ♪
♪ Every day is better than before ♪
♪ How you feel depends on who you are ♪
♪ Who you are depends on what you do ♪
♪ What you do is mostly up to you ♪
♪ It's true ♪
I You can make a better you I
♪ Every day is a new world
that I'm eager to explore ♪
♪ Every day opportunity
knocks at my door ♪
♪ Every day I'm loving,
living more and more and more ♪
♪ And every day is better than ♪
♪ Keep on saying, "Yes, I can" ♪
♪ And every day is better than before ♪
(music plays)
Ah! So, there was Bruce Springsteen
sitting on our living room couch.
He had on Levi's and a leather jacket
and headband.
Oh, he looked so cute.
I said, "Bruce, I had a dream about you
last night."
See, in my dream, I told him about
the dream I was having.
Oh! Isn't that funny?
Then Bruce said he had to go
because he was giving a concert
and he couldn't stay to hear
the rest of my dream.
That Bruce knew what he was doing.
Well, if that's the way you're gonna be,
I won't tell you my dreams anymore.
Good.
Well, honey, your dreams do have
a tendency to go on and on and on.
And on... and on...
I think Mom's dreams are neat--
she has celebrities in them.
I like the one where she did the tango
with Tip O'Neill.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning, good morning.
Good morning.
Well. There!
- There you go, Curtis. Sunnyside up!
- Thank you, dear.
Fried eggs, fried eggs.
Are you actually going to eat those?
No, I'm going to rub them in my hair.
Do you know what eggs
do to your cholesterol level?
Will you kindly leave
my eating habits alone?
Okay, if you don't care
what happens to you.
My father
ate two fried eggs for breakfast
and a hard-boiled egg for lunch
every day of his life,
and he died at 96!
(chuckles)
Well, there you are-- too many eggs.
- Anybody want to hear a joke?
- No.
Well, I do, Kevin.
Go ahead.
Watch out, Kevin,
it's a tough audience.
You know what a "humbug" is?
Well, I give up.
What's a "humbug"?
A bug who can't
remember the words.
(laughing)
Sometimes I crack myself up.
(humming)
What in the world is all that?
Bran, granola, wheat germ,
and dried bananas.
You don't recognize it
because it doesn't come with French fries.
(telephone rings)
Hello?
Oh, just a minute.
Curtis, it's for you. It's Leonard.
Oh, oh, all right.
(humming)
Hello, Leonard, how are--
Leonard?
Leonard, get a hold of yourself!
They what?
You did! Did you?
You did!
Ah ha! I'll be right there.
The shop has been robbed!
-(gasps)
- You're kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding? Come on!
We've got to go and check up on this
robbery! Thievery!
Everything going! Gone!
Will you stop eating that stuff
and help me?
We've got to take inventory.
They may have stolen the whole store.
I don't know what--
He couldn't tell me, he was so--
Come on, let's go.
- Leonard! Leonard!
- Oh, Mr. McGibbon.
Leonard, what happened?
Well, Mr. McGibbon, I came in here
this morning at 7:00, like I always do,
and then I open up the store,
like I always do,
and then I made the coffee,
like I always do,
and then I--
I see the empty shelves.
And I say, "Oh! We've been ripped off!"
So, l-l-l... I go to the phone,
and I call the police,
then I call you, then you
come running in here,
grab me and say,
"What happened, Leonard?!"
Well, Leonard,
what did they take?
All the power tools.
Power tools!
Oh, that's good.
Good?!
Well, we won't lose as much
because they were on sale.
Iii
I've been in this business for 36 years
and I have never had a robbery
in my store.
Our store. Remember, we're partners.
We're in this thing together, Curtis.
Where are the police?
You called them, didn't you?
- The sergeant said--
- Oh, never mind, I'll call him myself.
They're never around when you want them.
Probably having coffee in some donut shop
while crime rages through the streets!
How in the--
How are you, Officer?
Good morning, folks.
Sergeant Green, Pasadena Police.
Morning.
L, uh, checked the back door, Leonard.
Same as the front.
No sign of breaking and entering.
Somebody had to have a key.
Looks like an inside job.
That's ridiculous.
Don't look at me. I spent the whole night
with my mother in Torrance.
No one's looking at you, Leonard,
and I can certainly give Curtis an alibi.
He never left home.
He kept me awake all night snoring.
I do not snore.
You do too.
I do not!
You do too! Last night you
made the windows rattle.
Please, please, don't quarrel.
Of all the things a cop
has to put up with,
the worst is being in the middle
of a domestic quarrel
between a husband and wife.
We're not married.
Don't... even... think it.
I get it. These days,
a lot of people live together.
Oh-ho-ho! Watch it, Sergeant.
Oh, wait. Wait, just a minute.
We haven't established where you were,
Lucille.
Yes, we have.
She had to be home,
or she wouldn't have heard you
snoring your head off.
Thank you, Leonard.
Well, I think that about wraps it up.
Here's a copy of the police report.
You'll need that
for the insurance company.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you, Officer.
- Yes, thank you, Officer.
- You're always on the alert.
- Lucy: Thank you very much.
- We're so happy you--
Yeah. And just for the record,
Mrs. Barker and I are strictly
business associates.
(Curtis groans)
(door slams)
I wonder how somebody got in here.
I mean, they had to have a key.
That cuts you out, Lucille.
You're always losing your keys.
Well, not anymore. You nag me so much,
I had a whole bunch of keys made,
and I put one in each purse.
Then I put another one
in one of our key rocks,
and I put it by the back door. Go check.
Go check for yourself.
You're supposed to hide those
in a rock garden.
Well, we don't have a rock garden
in the back alley.
And where did you put the sign that says,
"Key hidden here"?
Well, Mrs. B, it's gone.
No key in this rock.
Well, at least he didn't steal the rock.
We saved $4.95.
Oh, Goody, goody-.
We can apply that to the cost
of having all the locks changed.
Maybe you ought to think about getting
a burglar alarm.
Oh, no, that's much too expensive.
Well, what about a guard dog?
Oh, they cost a lot, too.
I know!
We can get a guard goose.
I beg your pardon?
Yeah.
I met this man while I was jogging.
His name is Charlie, uh, Zelman,
and he rents out geese to guard
your property.
The only goose I'm interested in
is the one they roast
for Christmas dinner.
No, no. Now, wait a minute.
I read an article about this,
and it said that the Army is using geese
instead of men in Europe.
Oh, I can see them marching now.
Doing the goose step, of course.
This article said that they have had
guard geese since 390 B.C.
The Romans used them to keep from being
conquered by the Gauls!
- Curtis, this really is a good idea.
- Yeah.
Now, Charlie Zelman
is just getting started,
so I bet that he would, you know,
let you have one cheap,
just for the publicity.
Cheap. Ah.
You have just caught my attention.
Wait a minute.
How can a goose
guard anything?
Well, they have sensitive hearing,
and when somebody comes sneaking around,
they honk,
and they hiss,
and they make an awful racket.
That wouldn't scare anybody away.
Well, they also pinch.
Aah!
Well, Lucille,
this goose idea better work.
Okay, here you are.
- Well.
- Here's... Oliver!
Oh, Charlie, he's cute.
-(honking)
- Hi there, Oliver.
Don't put your hand in there!
Geese like to pinch.
So do certain people.
I'll pick him up about 8:00
in the morning.
- You folks ready to go?
- Lucille: Yeah, we're ready.
All righty.
Okay, Oliver. There you go.
- See you tomorrow.
- Thanks, Charlie.
'Bye-bye!
'(honks)
Bye-bye, Oliver!
I left you some food and some water.
Be a good little goose.
Be a vicious little goose--
that's what we're paying you for!
Okay, Becky, so far so good. Go ahead.
Nine times 6 is 54.
Nine times 7 is 63.
Nine times 8 is 72.
Nine times 9 is...
I forget, Grandma.
What is 9 times 9?
Uh, 9 times 9 is, um...
Eighty-one.
I would have had it in a second.
Well, now, how did you know that, Kevin?
Just a wild guess.
There. All done.
Margo, I cannot believe
that you still iron shirts.
Haven't you heard of perma press?
- Ted doesn't like perma press shirts.
- Nope, they don't breathe.
(telephone rings)
I'll get it.
- Hello?
- Lucy!
Call Charlie Zelman and send him
to the store!
What happened?
Well, that stupid Oliver
attacked me.
What are you doing at the store, anyway?
Well, on the way to the restaurant,
I remembered they don't take credit cards,
so I stopped at the store to get some
cash out of the safe.
L-- never mind about that.
Call Charlie Zelman right away!
Well, there's one good thing.
Yeah, what?
We know the guard goose works.
- Did you call Charlie Zelman?
- Yes, I did.
And?
I got his answering machine.
Before I could leave a message, I had to
listen to Frankie Laine singing,
"I must go where the wild goose goes."
Oh, great, great.
(loud honking)
Oliver, if we come down,
you won't attack us, will you?
Hey.
Wait a minute.
I didn't know we had a safe.
Where is it?
It's behind that picture of Sam and me
taken on the day we opened the store.
What's the combination?
(chuckles)
Wouldn't...
Wouldn't you like to know.
Curtis, half this store is mine.
All right, I'll give you half
the combination.
Now listen, Curtis, you give me all
the combination,
Why, so you can put it in a rock
outside the back door?
(honks)
(honking)
Oliver,
I've just about had it with you.
(honks)
(imitates honking)
...yourself!
(Oliver honks)
(continues imitation)
(grumbles)
(honk fading out)
Curtis!
You hit him!
Look, he's not moving.
You goose assassin!
Is he dead?
We don't know, dear.
Oliver, speak to me.
Say something, Oliver.
Oh, what I wouldn't give
for just one little honk.
What's going on?
Oliver's dead.
Grandpa hit him with a telephone.
It was self-defense.
Maybe I can give him mouth-to-beak
resuscitation.
Dad!
Hey.
That gives me an idea.
(gasps)
Look!
He's breathing.
- See that?
-(all exclaiming)
- That's a good sign.
- He's still breathing.
(sneezes)
Oh! I must be allergic to something.
Uh-oh, don't you remember?
You couldn't ever have feather pillows
when you were a child.
I forgot.
All right, maybe we better
come away from here, honey.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, kids.
- I wanna stay.
- Me, too.
All right, don't worry,
I'll get them to bed.
- All right, but not too late now.
- No, don't worry. Don't worry.
- Goodnight.
- All right. Goodnight.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
Well...
this has been a fun evening...
but I'm going to bed, too.
Well, uh, do you want me to wake you
if Oliver revives?
Only if he calls for me by name.
- Night, kids.
- Night, Grandpa.
Wake up, Oliver. Please.
Come on, Oliver.
Hold your beak up high
and waddle like a man!
(sickly honk)
Good boy, Oliver!
- Grandma, you did it!
- Hooray!
- Hi, Oliver!
- He's moving. Look at that.
Oh, he's so cute.
(loud honk)
No!
(honking continues)
What happened?
What's going on?
I was studying, I got hungry,
I went in the kitchen and got attacked!
That was Oliver.
Yeah, I gathered that, Kevin,
thank you.
(honking)
You! You woke me up!
I was having this great dream.
Mick Jagger came over and wanted
me to join his group,
and I said, "Mick, you can't always
get what you want."
Margo, stuff your dream!
I almost got my leg torn off.
Oh, will I never be free of that
infernal goose!
You should be glad that he's
alive and well.
- Well, I'm not.
-(honks)
Oh, is he gonna keep that up all night?
How can we get him to shut up?
I know.
Let's show him a roasting pan
and tell him how many days till Christmas.
- Curtis!
- Oh...
Well, we have to do something.
I have an exam in the morning.
(sneezes)
Why don't you try Zelman again?
He's got to come home sometime.
(Margo sighs)
(honking continues)
Just-- Just-- Just a minute.
Just a minute.
♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love sent to me ♪
♪ One roasted goose ♪
-(honking continues)
-(groans)
I give UP-
No. No Charlie Zelman.
He's still gone where the wild goose goes.
- Wait a minute. Mom.
- What?
Remember when I was little
and I had that---
(sneezes)
That parakeet?
And he wouldn't stop chattering
until we put the cover over him
so it was dark.
Yeah. You mean, turn out the light
in the kitchen.
- Yeah.
- Good thinking.
-(honking)
- Aah!
(shouting, honking)
Lucille: Oh!
Any more bright ideas, Margo?
Now, don't blame Margo.
You just aren't as fast as you used to be.
My reflexes are just as good
as they were--
-(shushing)
- He stopped.
(whispering)
(loud sneeze)
(honking resumes)
Okay, Oliver!
Okay, that's enough.
Now you listen to me, Oliver.
You listen to me.
People have to get some sleep
around here,
and you are making entirely too much...
(honking)
That... is one tough bird.
(doorbell rings)
Sergeant Green, Pasadena Police.
We've had a complaint from one of your
neighbors of possible goose abuse.
Oh... we can explain that, Officer.
Won't you come in?
Mr. McGibbon,
and Mrs. Barker,
your... business associate.
All right, never mind shooting your
eyebrows up like that.
We live here with my son.
- And my daughter.
- Yeah.
And their adorable grandchildren.
I was gonna call you in the morning.
We found that guy who took
your power tools.
- Nice work!
- Yeah, did you throw him in the slammer?
Yes, and he's gotten a lot of laughs with
that story about the key in the rock.
(goose honking)
Look, Sergeant,
now this is easily explained.
Because of our robbery,
we decided to get a guard goose.
So we hired Oliver and we put him
in the store,
and well... he... he fainted.
I don't know why, exactly.
Grandpa hit him with a telephone.
Iii
(mumbling)
Well, anyway, he revived,
and now he won't let anybody
in the kitchen,
-and we-- see?
-(honking)
And we can't get any sleep.
And I have an exam in law school
in the morning.
It seems to me... (sneezes)
Margo, do you have to do that?
Well, I'm not doing it on purpose.
- Try a little harder.
- How am I supposed to do that?
- Do you think that I like sneezing?
- Sergeant, Sergeant,
what are you gonna do
about this?
Nothing.
I told you how cops feel
about getting in the middle
of a domestic quarrel.
Not them, the goose.
(honks)
You've got to do something- he's vicious!
Yeah, and look what he did
to my pajamas.
And my robe.
All right, get me a blanket.
Oliver's not cold--
he's got Grandma's robe.
(laughing)
I'm gonna throw it over the bird's head
and subdue him.
Yeah. Okay, Oliver.
Okay, we're coming in,
and this time I've got the Law with me.
Okay, Oliver...
(loud honking)
Officer:
Stop that, you stupid bird! Let go--
oh!
- Oh, are you all right?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Lucy?
Are you all right?
We better go in there, Dad.
Lucy? I...
Honk, honk!
Honk, honk!
Honk, honk!
(music plays)
(theme music plays)