Life with Lucy (1986): Season 1, Episode 13 - World's Greatest Grandma - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ Every day I'm better
than I ever was before ♪

♪ Every day I'm loving,
living more and more ♪

♪ Every day holds keys
to possibilities galore ♪

♪ Every day is better than before ♪

♪ How you feel depends on who you are ♪

♪ Who you are depends on what you do ♪

♪ What you do is mostly up to you ♪

♪ It's true ♪

I You can make a better you I

♪ Every day is a new world
that I'm eager to explore ♪



♪ Every day opportunity
knocks at my door ♪

♪ Every day I'm loving,
living more and more and more ♪

♪ And every day is better than ♪

♪ Keep on saying, "Yes, I can" ♪

♪ And every day is better than before ♪

(music playing)

- Anything for me?
- Nope, not a thing.

Oh, come on, now.

Oh, no, that isn't for you, no.
No, no, no.

Oh, dear.

All right, I'm gonna get dinner started.

I have one of my nutritional
casseroles going.

You know, bulgur wheat and eggplant

and Brussels sprouts, and--



It won't be cooked in time.

Oh-ho, yes it will.
Before we left for work,

I set the timer on the oven.

Oh, before we left for work,
I turned it off. Ha!

Curtis, now we won't have
anything for dinner.

Yes, we will-- we're having pizza.

I do not recognize pizza as a food.

I know, I know, but while you were busy
with a customer at the store,

I went in back and called
the pizza parlor.

They're delivering it.

That was sneaky.

Well, that's because
I've been around you a lot.

Hip, hip, hooray!

Kevin's team won!

- Well!
- Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Yay, Wildcats!

Yeah! And Kevin scored
the winning goal.

- Oh, no!
- Good for you!

The Wildcats clobbered them!

That's terrific.

Look what I won, Grandma.

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

YMCA-- oh-ho-ho-- soccer match.

Excuse me.

We're here in the locker room
of the Wildcats,

and we're gonna talk to Kevin McGibbon,
who kicked the winning goal.

You must feel pretty, uh,
what, good, eh, Kev?

I didn't do it by myself, Len,

there were ten other guys on the field.

(laughing)

Well, that's great.
You're some kind of soccer player.

Listen, Kev,
at one point during the game,

the team was behind,
and you said something to your teammates.

Do you remember what it was
and can you tell us what you said?

I told 'em it ain't over
till the fat lady sings.

(Curtis laughing)

Well, congratulations, Kev.

Thanks, Len.

This is Leonard Stoner
in the locker room of the Wildcats.

Highlights at 11 :00.

Becky, where's your trophy?
The one you won for swimming

at camp last summer?

Oh, Becky won a trophy, too?

- Margo: Uh-huh.
- Here's mine.

And here's the one you won for tennis
in high school, Mom.

Oh, I haven't seen that in ages.

Neither have I.

Well, as long as we're all showing off.

What do you have?

My softball trophy.

And, oh, Dad, look.
Here's your old golf trophy, too.

Oh, well, my g-- Oh, my.

I remember the day I won that.

Three par, 160 yard.

I took my trusty six-iron and...

right onto the green.

The ball's right there, you missed it.

No, I didn't. I two-putted
and won the match.

We may have to build a special case
just to display them all.

Isn't it amazing?
Everyone in the family has a trophy.

Margo, Ted, Becky, Kevin, and--

Uh-- Oh, dear.

Margo: Oh, well.

Like they say, Mom,
it's not whether you win or lose,

it's how you play the game.

- Yeah.
- And how many trophies you have!

Oh, well, now, please don't worry.

There are millions of people in the world
who never win anything.

Leonard and I just never won a trophy,
that's all.

Uh, Mrs. B,

I have a trophy.

Look at that.

Leonard with a big silver loving cup.

That's nice.

High school wrestling team, all-city.

I can go home and get it
if you'd like to see it.

No, no, no.
We have enough trophies already.

-(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.

- Pizza.
- Oh, yes.

And what did you win a trophy for?

Delivery boy of the month.

I knew it.

Where's Mom?
She working out in the vegetable garden?

Yes, she's taking out her frustration
on that poor gofer.

She's threatening to flood him
out of his hole.

She's not still upset about
that trophy business, is she?

She says she isn't, but boy
was she cranky at the store today.

She closed my hand
on the cash register drawer.

Not on purpose?

Twice.

- Well, hmm.
- Yes.

- I think that's it.
- Mmm.

Dinner!

-(whistles)
- Ah!

Ooh, we've got to get you a bell.

.Dad?
.Mm?

You haven't give us our allowance
this week.

Ah, that's right. Okay, well,

let's see if we can't find a little money
in those ears of yours.

Here... (laughs)

Fifty cents. And another one.

And look, another one.

-(Curtis laughing)
- Want one?

Let's see, have you cleaned
your ears this morning?

Let's see, there you go.
There's one for you. And another one.

How do you do that?

Who cares, just keep doing it!

Oh, boy, I wish that gopher
would grow his own carrots.

Do you believe that?

- Do you believe that?
- Did you hear my whistle?

Did I hear your whistle? Who didn't?

The gopher ran off holding his ears.

Thank you.

- I've got big news.
- What's that?

They're having a talent contest at school.

- Ooh, that sounds like fun.
- A talent contest?

It's for grandmas, and I entered you.

Honey, you shouldn't have done that
without asking me.

The winner gets a big trophy.

Well, tell me all about it.

Yes, I'd like to hear anything

that would get a smile
on that sour puss of yours.

- Oh, Curtis.
- Well, you've been...

When is it going to be, Becky?

In two weeks.

They're gonna charge admission,

and the money goes to buy
a new VCR for the school.

- Lucy: Oh.
- A video cassette recorder?

My, they didn't have things like that
when I was in school.

No, they sat in front of the fire

and made shadow puppets
on the walls of the cave.

What would you do
for the talent show, Mom?

Oh, well,

I could sing.

I didn't know you were a singer.

Oh, sure, I performed in high school.

Two other girls and I did

a really good imitation of
the Andrews Sisters.

Well, um...

(flatly)
♪ Don't sit under the apple tree ♪

♪ With anyone else but me ♪

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

No, no, no!

Mom, that doesn't sound
like the right tune.

No.

That's because I was singing
the harmony part.

I need two other people
to make me sound good.

Among other things.

Oh, well.

You know, maybe I could dance.

I took a tap dancing class once.

Let's see now, I need some music.

Do you know, uh--

Let's see, does anybody know, uh,
"Way down upon the Swanee River."

Oh, I know that. That goes, um...

(clears throat)

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh-- duh!

- ♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪
- Wait a minute. Start again.

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh-- duh!

♪ Way down upon the Swanee-- ♪

No. Uh-uh. I have to get started.

All right.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh-- duh!

♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪

I got it! I got it.

Family: ♪ Far, far away ♪

Margo: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.

Family:
♪ That's where the boys and girls-- ♪

- Oh! Oh!
- Curtis: Oh, what happened?

- I've got this trick knee.
- Here, here.

That's why I had to stop taking
tap dancing lessons--

this trick knee.

If you can't dance, then what
are you gonna do in the contest?

Well...

maybe I could be a stand-up comic.

Let's see now.
Good evening, ladies and germs.

There's a-- there's a lot of crime
going on these days.

I was walking down Colorado Boulevard
and a man came up to me and he said,

"Did you see a cop around here?"
And I said, "No."

- And he said--
- Family: Stick 'em up!

Oh, you heard that one.

A hundred million times.

Oh.

Face it, Lucille, you are not Joan Rivers.

No, I guess not.

Hey, how about being a magician?

Oh, no, I don't know anything about that.

- Dad does, he could teach you.
- Yeah, sure, Mom.

I'll be glad to.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

No, no, no, no, it's easy.

All it takes is a little bit of...

practice. (chuckles)

How'd you do that?

You won't have to teach her knee--
it already knows how do to tricks.

(laughter)

Hurry up, Grandpa.

Grandma's gonna break in
her magic act.

Oh, I'm sorry to be late.
I wouldn't miss a minute of it.

And now, direct for her record-breaking
engagement in Las Vegas,

we bring you that Paragon
of Prestidigitation,

that First Lady of Illusion,

Grandma the Great!

(all cheering)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls.

Before we start the show,
would anyone like a glass of cold milk?

I would!

Good for you, young man,
you know your nutrition.

Ah, we have here--
we do not have a glass,

but we do have a paper cone.

And a pitcher of milk.

Now then.

Grandma, it's leaking.

(Lucy chuckles)

Just give me a chance.

It's getting a little out of hand now,
yes, yes.

- Oh!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh!

(cheering)

And now Grandma the Great

will attempt to attract spirits
from the other world.

The audience must be very quiet,

and perhaps the spirits will appear.

Now, we have here,

a tambourine.

A feather duster.

And a bell.

All good things for attracting spirits.

If...

If there are any spirits...

present, please...

make yourself known.

Are there any spirits?

Are there any spirits?

(bell rings)

(ringing continues)

- I think there are.
-(tambourine rattles)

I think we have...

Yes.

I think we have spirits.

I think we have attracted the spirits.

Ooh!

I think we have attracted the spirits.

Oh!

Grandma!

You have three hands!

Oh, well you know what they say.
Three hands are better than one.

Uh, now,

does anyone in the audience have a watch?

A gold pocket watch.

Surely someone has a gold watch.

How about you, sir?

Well... what are you going to do with it?

Grandma the Great
does not give away her secrets.

Well, Curtis the Cautious

doesn't give away his watch.

Come on, Curtis.

- Oh...
- Come on.

You're not going to make it
disappear, are you?

- I promise not to make it disappear.
- Curtis: Oh, well...

I will place the watch
in this magic bag.

There we are.

(whistles)

And...

Oh! What have you done, woman?!

Don't worry, Dad,
it's all part of the trick.

(jangles)

Sounds broken, doesn't it?

Yes!

Well, I haven't said the magic words yet.

Abracadabra.

Abracadabra!

Your watch is completely restored.

Just pick it right out.

There you are!

Whew!

Thank you, thank you.

That's a great relief. Boy, that--

Wait a minute.

This isn't my watch!

(jangling)

Oh, uh...

Oh, uh...

Oh! Oh, I got them...

- Oh, my beautiful watch!
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Curtis, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry. I'll have it fixed.

I've carried that watch for 40 years!

I'm sorry.

You better get a new one,

a modern one, you know,
with a digital, and a--

I don't want digital!
I don't want Quartz.

I want a watch that winds,
with a big hand and a little hand.

Oh, Curtis!
Now, don't yell at her.

-(shouts)
- She didn't--

She didn't mean to.

(crying)
No, I didn't mean to break it.

I'm-- I'm no good.
I'll never be a magician.

Now, don't say that, Mom. Sure you will.

No, I won't.

If I can't even do the watch trick,

how am I ever gonna saw
the school principal in half?

Oh, heck.

I wanted to see that.

Lucy: Yeah, well...

It'll just take
a little more practice, Mom.

Yeah, you have two whole days
before the contest.

No, forget it.

Does this mean you're not gonna be
in the Grandma contest?

Oh, Becky, I'd like to, honey,
but it's no use.

I can't sing, I can't dance,

I can't tell jokes, I can't do magic.

I'm a well-rounded flop.

But I thought you wanted to win a trophy.

I just wish I could say abracadabra
and disappear myself.

- Abracadabra!
- Ah!

Well!

What do we do today?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Right. I work hard all week.

On Sunday, I deserve some rest.

You're just gonna sit there
all day and rest?

That's right.
I have my paper, my TV remote,

and I am proud to be a couch potato.

Boy, school was tough this week.

Am I glad it's Sunday.

Another couch potato.

He's a tater tot.

Hi, kids.
You wanna stay for lunch, Patty?

Thanks, Mrs. Barker,
but I have to go home.

She's gonna watch her grandmother
practice with her Dixieland band.

For the Grandma contest.

Boy, they're terrific.

I'm sorry you're gonna be out of town,
Mrs. Barker.

What?

I really hope your sick brother
in Seattle gets better.

I'll see you in school tomorrow, Patty.

Bye.

My sick brother in Seattle, Becky?

- I had to tell the kids something.
- Mm-hmm.

I always bragged about you at school,

and told everybody how neat you are.

And now you're not even gonna show up.

But I don't know how to do anything!

You could think of something
if you really cared how I feel!

Well, I've rested enough.

I'll go out and play.

Don't worry, Grandma.
Becky will get over it.

Yeah, but I won't.

What am I gonna do, Curtis?

I can't let Becky down.
I just have to be in that contest.

Doing what?

I don't know.

You don't do magic,
you don't tell jokes,

you don't dance,
and you don't sing.

It is a challenge, isn't it?

Well, I may have a thought.

Of course, it might not work.

It'll work.

I haven't told you what it is yet.

- Whatever it is, it's got to work.
- Well...

remember on TV
a couple of weeks ago

when we saw Rex Harrison
in "My Fair Lady"?

Yeah.

You remember how he talked

the lyrics to the song?

He didn't sing a note.

That's right, he didn't and he was great.

Maybe I could do that?

Well, if ever there was anyone
who cannot sing a note, it's you.

Oh, well, thank you.

That's all right.

Now all I have to do is pick out a song

for me not to sing.

(cheers and applause)

Now, our next contestant
for Best Grandma

is the world's only all-female
Dixieland band,

led by the grandmother of
our own 5th-grader, Patty Durrell.

Peggy Gilbert and her Dixie Belles.

("When the Saints Go Marching In" begins)

(tempo quickens)

(plays drum solo)

(cheers and applause)

Boy, they're really good.

I'll be my grandma
and her band win the trophy.

You haven't heard my grandma yet.

Our next contestant is Becky and Kevin
McGibbon's grandmother,

Lucille Barker.

(cheering and applause)

I would like to dedicate this
to my children

and my grandchildren.

(music begins)

(spoken word)
♪ ls this the little girl I carried? ♪

♪ ls this the little boy at play? ♪

♪ I don't remember growing older ♪

♪ When did they? ♪

♪ When did she get to be a beauty? ♪

♪ When did he grow to be so tall? ♪

♪ Wasn't it yesterday ♪

♪ When they were small? ♪

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

♪ Swiftly flow the days ♪

♪ Seedlings turn overnight
to sunflowers ♪

♪ Blossoming even as we gaze ♪

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

♪ Swiftly fly the years ♪

♪ One season following another ♪

♪ Laden with happiness ♪

♪ And tears ♪

(applause)

Well, if it makes you feel
any better, Mom,

I think you should have won.

Well, you're just prejudiced,
Ted, but thanks.

But since you didn't win,
I can't believe

-they didn't give it to the Dixie Belles.
- Yeah.

Even they couldn't beat
that 90-year-old grandmother

playing "Do You Think I'm Sexy"
on the bagpipes.

(laughing)

So I didn't win a trophy. So, what?

(chattering)

Lucy: What's happening?

Well, we stopped on the way home
and got ice cream.

- For what?
- To celebrate!

Well, celebrate what? I didn't win.

Well, you did your best,
like you always told us.

Thank you.

You're a winner in my book, Grandma.

Well, thank you.

Here you go, Grandma.

Oh!

Look at this!

"World's Greatest Grandmother."

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

Oh, boy, am I a winner.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, you guys.

(music playing)

(theme music playing)