Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Earrings Milkshake Nanny Tent - full transcript
_
Greg speaks so fondly
about you taking care of
him when he was a child.
I got to admit, I had a big crush on you.
Yeah.
So I'm heading back to
work, and we're looking
just to find the right
person to take care of Lark.
And i don't know if you remember this,
but, uh... I found little Toot Toot.
Did I toot?
I'm sorry.
Uh, no, no.
Uh, little Toot Toot's his name.
You-you gave him to me.
- Remember?
- Okay.
Uh, so w-we'll just... we'll talk it over
and come to a decision,
and we will... telegram you.
Oh, you're so great with Lark.
- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
Um, and we'll just...
we'll, uh, be in touch.
Great, I'm doing a
humanitarian outreach trip
next week in Haiti,
but I'll be available
any time after that, so...
Great. How cool. Okay, wow.
- Thank you guys so much.
- Okay, all right.
Talk to you soon.
Bye.
Well?
I'm so sorry.
I cannot believe that
she would come on to me
in front of you like that.
Back up. What?
Yeah, did you see her?
She gave me one of these.
- She looked down and then up?
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Did you see it?
Maybe.
She also gave me one of these.
I could not believe she did this.
She went...
Yeah.
Well, that's sensual.
- And that was...
- Yeah.
- I mean...
- She had her eye on the prize.
I'm not gonna spend
the next three years
fighting that woman off.
No.
I didn't ask to look like this.
No, I didn't ask for you
to look like that either.
So excited about this one.
The agency said it's
their favorite candidate.
Okay.
- Hi... Oh, no, no, no, no.
- W-W-W-Wait...
- Wait, w-w-w-wait, please, please.
- No, no.
- Oh, hell, no...
- wait, wait, please.
Please, we heard through the grapevine
you're in need of expert child care.
And we are specialists in the field.
You're lactation specialists,
and the last time we saw you,
- you were stealing our baby formula.
- Yeah.
So you do concede that we're specialists.
- Uh, get out.
- No.
No, please, please, give us two minutes
to explain why we are the best
people to raise your child.
We need money.
We are very, very desperate for money.
We tried to sell my eggs.
But...
there... there were none.
Okay, well, not the strongest opener.
We're great with kids,
so... goo-goo-ga-ga.
We speak their language.
We actually...
we spend two hours a day as babies.
- Two hours?
- Mm-hmm.
Um, uh, you can definitely
- stop speaking tha-that language.
- Yeah.
Um, and we're not gonna hire you.
Uh, and that's obvious.
So you can just save your breath.
Not gonna happen.
We get it... we totally understand.
Just one small wrinkle.
Hmm?
Could we borrow a thousand dollars?
- No.
- No.
Could we sleep on your couch?
- No.
- I think we've given you a lot to chew on.
- Yep.
- So we'll leave you with that.
And... possibly see you Monday.
- No.
- No?
Tonita, thank you for coming.
Colleen speaks so highly of you.
We've just never left Lark with anyone
for more than a few hours,
so th-this is kind of a...
a big adjustment for us.
I promise I will treat her like my child.
Okay.
May I?
Um... yeah, okay.
Okay, come on, Lark.
I guess we-we'll just...
go run some errands
and let you two get to know each other.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right, and we're leaving.
Okay.
And come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Uh, come on.
Here we go, and we're walking.
Good.
Greg.
What's the matter? She seems great.
She smells like a rain forest.
How do I know she's gonna make
the same decisions I would make?
Would I make the same
decisions you would make?
- No.
- But you trust me with our kid?
Ye... yes.
- So let's just give her a shot, okay?
- Okay. All right.
- Give her a chance.
- Okay, I'm... yeah.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna trust her.
- Okay, we're leaving.
- Okay.
- We're leaving.
- Bye.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Lark.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Come on.
- Bye.
- Let's go.
- Oh, oh, oh.
I think I might have forgotten something.
No, you didn't, you didn't.
- It's my baby, y... okay.
- No, you didn't.
You're fine.
Ooh, boy.
I think we found our nanny.
Tonita was singing
little baby Lark to sleep,
- and I woke up two hours later.
- Oh, yeah?
Was she singing about
her time in the big house?
- What?
- Ran a background check on Tonita.
Turns out she was arrested.
Okay, come on. Look.
She-she was arrested decades ago,
protesting the Vietnam War at a sit-in.
Yeah, well, know what that means?
Lazy.
I mean, if she was a go-getter,
she would have been at a march.
We need to talk.
I run a background check on you,
and it says you've been arrested.
What?
I always check my families... I don't know
what you crazy white
people keep in your closets.
Okay, wait a minute, time-out.
You were arrested?
She show her boobies to police officer.
I was in college, I had too much to drink,
and, honestly, if you would
have seen them back then,
you would have shown 'em off, too.
The Internet never forgets.
Wait, so you ran a background check on me.
Wow.
That is the same decision I...
would have made if I were...
the type of person who did
background checks on people.
Tonita, we would love to offer you the job.
I mean, if you still want it.
- Oh, I would be honored.
- Oh.
Good.
Yay.
Aw...
_
That was a great show.
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
Now we get to sleep out here in a field.
Anything's better than the garage.
You guys want to try some
homemade apple and onion wine?
- No, I think I'm gonna pass, man.
- I'm good with my beer.
Secret ingredient is antacid tablets.
You put 'em in there
for a preemptive strike.
Doesn't really seem like it's working.
Ah, tell you something, guys,
I really love Tom Petty,
but he is starting to look more and more
like a lesbian scarecrow.
Look at you in that cool chair, man.
- You look cool.
- Yeah.
- Let me try that cool chair.
- You want in? Here you go.
- Let me try it.
- Go for it.
- All right, real quick.
- Yeah.
Best song of the night.
- Oh, by...
- Go.
Undoubtedly, "Won't Back Down."
- No, "Running Down a Dream."
- No way.
Come on, you guys got to put
aside your petty differences.
Oh, that's good.
Congratulations, you're officially a dad.
I've been sitting on that one
since the drive up yesterday.
I got it.
- I got it... ooh...
- Oh!
Oh, and we got a piper down.
It reclines!
Well, this dad is gonna get
his first full night's sleep
since he was arrested.
What? No. No, no, no,
no, this is boys weekend.
We are not going the whole weekend
without taking our shirts
off. Shirt off, Greg.
Tim, Tim, until we need a light
source, you keep your shirt on.
My arms and my neck are tan.
They're pink.
Well, they get tan next.
I'm like Neapolitan ice cream.
It's vanilla, then
strawberry, and then chocolate.
We got a tent dive!
Oh, no!
What are you doing?
You're right, we should go to bed.
- Yeah, getting late.
- Let's help each other up.
Come on.
Come on, Tim, stop goofing around.
Hey, we got any of that gorp left?
I don't know. Just get in, okay?
Double tent dive!
- Ow!
- Get off me.
This is the best night ever!
I'm gonna fight someone tonight!
Is that really how you sleep, man?
No, but you said I got to keep a shirt on.
Oh! I saw tip.
- I'm sorry.
- I saw tip.
Oh, my gosh, I think I forgot
my battery pack for my apnea machine.
- Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, no!
- I know, what am I gonna do?
- Just get in the...
- Just get in the sleeping bag, man.
That's all you got to do.
Don't worry about it.
I'm so glad you guys are my brothers.
In-law.
Who wants a tent dive?!
Yeah, let's get that tent!
Which tent? Which tent? Our tent?
- Whose tent? Whose tent?
- I don't know.
Tent dive!
Boom!
That sounded like it hurt.
Ow, that hurt!
I told you. It's the ear of a doctor.
- Yeah!
- Guys, get out of here.
Off the top rung!
Jerk!
Yeah, in your face!
- Greg.
- What?
It's the Franklin brothers all over again.
Totally.
Who are the Franklin brothers?
They were these bullies
from our neighborhood
that used to torture us.
They used to chase after us
when we'd ride our bikes
around the neighborhood.
I have flashbacks whenever
I go to a spin class.
They're the reason we're
so good at video games.
They made us indoor kids.
Up, up, down, down, left, right,
left, right, B, A, select, start.
Yeah, I get it, brothers.
Yeah, you know, I looked
exactly like this when I was 13,
so I got bullied a lot, too,
Balding kids got it rough
in middle school.
Tent dive!
Here comes the..
They're tormenting an entire campsite,
and nobody's doing anything.
Yes, I know.
Guys, we got to do something.
I do not want to go out
there and get in a fight.
I just want to sleep.
I've never been in a fight.
I have.
Yes, it was a dance fight. I won.
No one wins in a dance fight.
Well, if we're going out
there, I got a little something
in my medical kit that'll
stack the odds in our favor.
Heroin? Yeah, sure.
No, it's vitamin B12 shots.
It'll give us a nice natural boost,
like sending back a sandwich
or sleeping without pants on.
- Yeah, I'm in.
- Okay, yeah, me, too.
All right, gentlemen, butts up.
Oh, come on...
- you can't give it to me in my arm...
- Do my arm.
- like an adult?
- Butts up.
I'm the doctor.
It's weird. I haven't gone
double-gun since medical school.
Yeah, do you really think it's
a good idea for you to do...
- Oh!
- Full moon fever.
Whew! Okay.
Who wants to do my butt?
Matt does.
All right.
Ah, that's it.
Whew, I feel good.
Is this how everyone feels all the time?
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I kind of feel like
taking my shirt off.
I won't back down.
Come on.
All right.
Let's save this tent city.
This is great.
I always wanted my first
fight to be with you guys.
Okay, we are gonna go out there
and we are gonna rewrite history.
Yeah, we're gonna go avenge
our younger wussie selves.
This happens right now!
I wish we had capes.
I wish I had pants.
I wish I had more B12.
There they are!
They're the guys that were tent diving!
Oh, no.
Let's get 'em!
Come on!
Greg!
Dance, Matt!
I don't have a beat!
Go!
I thought we agreed not to give him money.
He didn't give me money;
he gave me a belt buckle
he said was worth $75.
Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.
_
All right, I'm out of here.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's that?
It's just an emergency kit.
Anything you might need
on a senior camping trip.
There's matches, sunscreen,
one of those things that shatters glass,
in case your car goes into the lake
and you're trapped and can't get out.
Mom, stop.
Just take it so I don't worry.
If I took it, you'd still worry,
and I'd be the dweeb with
the mommy safety sack.
- Fine.
- Love you.
I love you.
See you later, Uncle Matt.
- Have fun camping.
- Hey.
You really going camping?
- No.
- Have fun camping.
Thank you so much for
letting me borrow your car.
No problem. I apologize for the smell.
Oh, and the stereo's not working.
Tim's Iron Maiden CD got stuck in there.
He tried to pry it out with a crayon.
- Okay.
- And, um,
just a little something extra.
Oh, no, Heather, no, no,
no, I don't need this.
You do, you do, you have
job interviews next week,
and you might need a new suit
or briefcase or something.
I didn't realize I was
interviewing for a job in 1985.
Just take it so I don't worry.
Okay.
Oh, and this, too, for emergencies.
Thank you.
And I couldn't press charges against them
because apparently, in
Florida it's not illegal
to put an alligator in someone's bed.
Oh, man, I love Florida.
The whole state's like one
of those restaurants where
- you can throw peanut shells on the floor.
- Yeah.
- Oh, your earrings are so pretty.
- Yeah.
Oh, thanks, Matt got 'em
for me this afternoon.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Oh, did he?
He got those for you today?
Like, noon?
And then after, he gave
you those big earrings. Wow.
Wow, must be getting serious.
I think so.
Unless he cheated.
But honestly, if he did, it's a fair trade.
I-I think a little more
wine, 'cause I like wine.
And you...
- can you help me in the kitchen right now?
- Okay.
- Please? Let's go. Come on.
- Okay.
I gave Matt some money this morning
to help him out with a job interview,
and now she has new earrings.
Wait, Matt asked you for money?
No, but I knew that he knew
that I knew he wanted to ask me.
It's a sister thing.
Does Greg give him money?
No, 'cause you won't let him.
Everybody knows that.
I never said that.
What else does Greg say I don't let him do?
Um, ride a tandem bicycle,
wear overalls and buy
a stormtrooper costume.
Only one of those things is true,
but two of them should be.
Interception!
Yes!
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, I-I can't do this. Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Did he tell you that I gave him the money
to buy you those earrings?
- Uh...
- No, he did not tell me that.
I-I don't care,
it's just that I-I need you to know that.
So, I, yeah, I guess
I do care a little bit.
Heather, I didn't use your money on those.
Did you use what I gave you?
I thought we agreed not to give him money.
You gave him money?
- N-No.
- No, he didn't give me money.
He gave me a belt buckle
he said was worth $75.
Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.
I didn't give him any money.
And why is that? And before you answer,
just know that I know.
Do you know that I want
a stormtrooper outfit?
I'm also aware of that, yes.
Heather, those are my earrings
from my Billy Idol phase.
Remember?
Oh, yes, I... now that you say it,
I remember, oh...
I don't take your money
because I need it.
I take your money because
you need me to take it.
That-that is not true.
- No, honey, that's true.
- Even I know that.
Okay, y-yes, that's true.
But it's only because I worry about you.
And I need to know that you're okay.
I'm gr... I'm great! Look, look, okay.
You know what? I was gonna wait until Greg
had some news that I
could one-up, but he's...
He's got nothing.
I might get a stormtrooper outfit.
Nothing. So, I got a job today.
It's at a graphic design company.
It's in my field, and you know,
for a group of nerds,
they actually seem like
they're pretty cool.
I'm so happy you got a job,
because it sounds like
there's no cute girls there.
In graphic design? None.
- To Matt!
- Yes! Yay!
May your new job
bring you great joy
and a new place to live.
Hear, hear!
All right.
There's somebody I want you to meet.
Uh, someone that I'm hoping
you'll welcome into the family.
_
Why did he call all of us here?
Do you think he's sick?
I don't know, it's big.
Mom has wine in her coffee mug.
So do I. Do you want some?
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Mm-hmm.
Kids, there's somebody I want you to meet.
Uh, someone that I'm hoping
you'll welcome into the family.
He's got another kid. I knew
it! I've always known it.
My dad makes the same announcement
every couple of years.
Christmas is getting very expensive.
Guys, stop it.
Do you have another kid, Dad?
What? Well, uh...
kind of.
I made a puppet!
Well, see you in a month, sleep.
His name is Cheeto.
Is he cute or what?
Retirement has been really
hard for your father.
And so we're just thrilled
that he found this wonderful new hobby.
Aren't we?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found
something I'm really good at.
- Ooh!
- Oh, whoa!
Uh, this just pops right back on.
Now, I'm gonna carve a
puppet for each one of you.
This one is for Baby Lark.
Oh, no, that's... but...
that's not fair to all of the...
puppet lovers here.
- Cheeto decides what's fair.
- I see.
I want to be with Lark!
It's talking.
But, you know, you can give him
any voice you want.
Oh, okay. There's options.
Oh!
Oh, now I can eat a goat.
Know what my dad's hobby is?
No, what?
I have no idea.
But I'll tell you what it's
not... building nightmares.
Your dad also booed our wedding dance.
Greg, she's not old enough for a blanket.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
She's here, she's here,
she's here, she's fine. It was just a joke.
You think it's funny screwing
with the only thing I love?
The only thing?
Yeah, now.
But did you see I-I put him in a...
diaper?
That is a fresh prank!
Well, she didn't want
him in the house anymore,
so can I bring him by later today?
Sure, he can live in the
closet like my brother.
I'll see you.
- Thanks, Tim.
- Sure.
Hey, how we feeling
today, Mrs. Abernathy... ?
Oh!
Oh, a new classic.
Hey, Cheeto.
Hey, honey?
Have you seen my... ?
Oh! Oh, my eye!
Oh, it's in my eye.
I mean, he won't have depth
perception for a few weeks.
But it was totally worth it.
Hey.
Somebody wake up Matt.
Kickoff in ten minutes.
Matt.
Make sure you can see his little hand,
so it looks like he's gonna
rip your face off and wear it as a mask.
Oh, that is so Cheeto.
Hey, guys.
Matt?
What?
Weren't you just... ?
- Dad, stop.
- Wait, it's a joke.
You went and picked the wrong house,
you piece of...
Cheeto?
Cheeto? Aw.
Well, you all think this
is a big joke, don't you?
Well, if everybody
thinks he's garbage, well,
then he's garbage.
No, John, just...
Honey, wait.
My kids,
listen.
Our house is filled with every pinch pot,
every slumped-over mug
that you ever made.
And we cherish them.
Because they came from
you and it doesn't matter
if they're grotesque.
Oh. You think he's grotesque?
- Did I say "grotesque"?
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't... it... he
makes me want to drink.
Well, I know he's ugly,
but I made him out of their tree.
What? You did?
Yeah, you said you wanted
a baby swing in the tree,
but then when we had to chop it down,
I figured the tree would
live on in-in Cheeto.
All right, go, go get him
out of the trash, Greg.
We love Cheeto, Dad.
Look how he's brought everybody together.
I mean, he's been more fun
than when you discovered
the Urban Dictionary.
Yeah, that was a pretty dope time.
Come on, Dad,
I mean, we had no idea
what Cheeto meant to you.
Do the Cheeto voice.
- Yeah!
- Oh, no, I got...
Cheeto! Cheeto! Cheeto!
Can I braid your hair?
That's our Cheeto.
We really do have
such a special family, don't we?
They are a good bunch, huh?
How can you do that to your own dear wife?!
You know what? That really is fun.
You know?
The laundry chute is right over Matt's bed.
What a good idea.
This is great.
Aah, son of a bitch!
Greg speaks so fondly
about you taking care of
him when he was a child.
I got to admit, I had a big crush on you.
Yeah.
So I'm heading back to
work, and we're looking
just to find the right
person to take care of Lark.
And i don't know if you remember this,
but, uh... I found little Toot Toot.
Did I toot?
I'm sorry.
Uh, no, no.
Uh, little Toot Toot's his name.
You-you gave him to me.
- Remember?
- Okay.
Uh, so w-we'll just... we'll talk it over
and come to a decision,
and we will... telegram you.
Oh, you're so great with Lark.
- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
Um, and we'll just...
we'll, uh, be in touch.
Great, I'm doing a
humanitarian outreach trip
next week in Haiti,
but I'll be available
any time after that, so...
Great. How cool. Okay, wow.
- Thank you guys so much.
- Okay, all right.
Talk to you soon.
Bye.
Well?
I'm so sorry.
I cannot believe that
she would come on to me
in front of you like that.
Back up. What?
Yeah, did you see her?
She gave me one of these.
- She looked down and then up?
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Did you see it?
Maybe.
She also gave me one of these.
I could not believe she did this.
She went...
Yeah.
Well, that's sensual.
- And that was...
- Yeah.
- I mean...
- She had her eye on the prize.
I'm not gonna spend
the next three years
fighting that woman off.
No.
I didn't ask to look like this.
No, I didn't ask for you
to look like that either.
So excited about this one.
The agency said it's
their favorite candidate.
Okay.
- Hi... Oh, no, no, no, no.
- W-W-W-Wait...
- Wait, w-w-w-wait, please, please.
- No, no.
- Oh, hell, no...
- wait, wait, please.
Please, we heard through the grapevine
you're in need of expert child care.
And we are specialists in the field.
You're lactation specialists,
and the last time we saw you,
- you were stealing our baby formula.
- Yeah.
So you do concede that we're specialists.
- Uh, get out.
- No.
No, please, please, give us two minutes
to explain why we are the best
people to raise your child.
We need money.
We are very, very desperate for money.
We tried to sell my eggs.
But...
there... there were none.
Okay, well, not the strongest opener.
We're great with kids,
so... goo-goo-ga-ga.
We speak their language.
We actually...
we spend two hours a day as babies.
- Two hours?
- Mm-hmm.
Um, uh, you can definitely
- stop speaking tha-that language.
- Yeah.
Um, and we're not gonna hire you.
Uh, and that's obvious.
So you can just save your breath.
Not gonna happen.
We get it... we totally understand.
Just one small wrinkle.
Hmm?
Could we borrow a thousand dollars?
- No.
- No.
Could we sleep on your couch?
- No.
- I think we've given you a lot to chew on.
- Yep.
- So we'll leave you with that.
And... possibly see you Monday.
- No.
- No?
Tonita, thank you for coming.
Colleen speaks so highly of you.
We've just never left Lark with anyone
for more than a few hours,
so th-this is kind of a...
a big adjustment for us.
I promise I will treat her like my child.
Okay.
May I?
Um... yeah, okay.
Okay, come on, Lark.
I guess we-we'll just...
go run some errands
and let you two get to know each other.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right, and we're leaving.
Okay.
And come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Uh, come on.
Here we go, and we're walking.
Good.
Greg.
What's the matter? She seems great.
She smells like a rain forest.
How do I know she's gonna make
the same decisions I would make?
Would I make the same
decisions you would make?
- No.
- But you trust me with our kid?
Ye... yes.
- So let's just give her a shot, okay?
- Okay. All right.
- Give her a chance.
- Okay, I'm... yeah.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna trust her.
- Okay, we're leaving.
- Okay.
- We're leaving.
- Bye.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Lark.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Come on.
- Bye.
- Let's go.
- Oh, oh, oh.
I think I might have forgotten something.
No, you didn't, you didn't.
- It's my baby, y... okay.
- No, you didn't.
You're fine.
Ooh, boy.
I think we found our nanny.
Tonita was singing
little baby Lark to sleep,
- and I woke up two hours later.
- Oh, yeah?
Was she singing about
her time in the big house?
- What?
- Ran a background check on Tonita.
Turns out she was arrested.
Okay, come on. Look.
She-she was arrested decades ago,
protesting the Vietnam War at a sit-in.
Yeah, well, know what that means?
Lazy.
I mean, if she was a go-getter,
she would have been at a march.
We need to talk.
I run a background check on you,
and it says you've been arrested.
What?
I always check my families... I don't know
what you crazy white
people keep in your closets.
Okay, wait a minute, time-out.
You were arrested?
She show her boobies to police officer.
I was in college, I had too much to drink,
and, honestly, if you would
have seen them back then,
you would have shown 'em off, too.
The Internet never forgets.
Wait, so you ran a background check on me.
Wow.
That is the same decision I...
would have made if I were...
the type of person who did
background checks on people.
Tonita, we would love to offer you the job.
I mean, if you still want it.
- Oh, I would be honored.
- Oh.
Good.
Yay.
Aw...
_
That was a great show.
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
Now we get to sleep out here in a field.
Anything's better than the garage.
You guys want to try some
homemade apple and onion wine?
- No, I think I'm gonna pass, man.
- I'm good with my beer.
Secret ingredient is antacid tablets.
You put 'em in there
for a preemptive strike.
Doesn't really seem like it's working.
Ah, tell you something, guys,
I really love Tom Petty,
but he is starting to look more and more
like a lesbian scarecrow.
Look at you in that cool chair, man.
- You look cool.
- Yeah.
- Let me try that cool chair.
- You want in? Here you go.
- Let me try it.
- Go for it.
- All right, real quick.
- Yeah.
Best song of the night.
- Oh, by...
- Go.
Undoubtedly, "Won't Back Down."
- No, "Running Down a Dream."
- No way.
Come on, you guys got to put
aside your petty differences.
Oh, that's good.
Congratulations, you're officially a dad.
I've been sitting on that one
since the drive up yesterday.
I got it.
- I got it... ooh...
- Oh!
Oh, and we got a piper down.
It reclines!
Well, this dad is gonna get
his first full night's sleep
since he was arrested.
What? No. No, no, no,
no, this is boys weekend.
We are not going the whole weekend
without taking our shirts
off. Shirt off, Greg.
Tim, Tim, until we need a light
source, you keep your shirt on.
My arms and my neck are tan.
They're pink.
Well, they get tan next.
I'm like Neapolitan ice cream.
It's vanilla, then
strawberry, and then chocolate.
We got a tent dive!
Oh, no!
What are you doing?
You're right, we should go to bed.
- Yeah, getting late.
- Let's help each other up.
Come on.
Come on, Tim, stop goofing around.
Hey, we got any of that gorp left?
I don't know. Just get in, okay?
Double tent dive!
- Ow!
- Get off me.
This is the best night ever!
I'm gonna fight someone tonight!
Is that really how you sleep, man?
No, but you said I got to keep a shirt on.
Oh! I saw tip.
- I'm sorry.
- I saw tip.
Oh, my gosh, I think I forgot
my battery pack for my apnea machine.
- Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, no!
- I know, what am I gonna do?
- Just get in the...
- Just get in the sleeping bag, man.
That's all you got to do.
Don't worry about it.
I'm so glad you guys are my brothers.
In-law.
Who wants a tent dive?!
Yeah, let's get that tent!
Which tent? Which tent? Our tent?
- Whose tent? Whose tent?
- I don't know.
Tent dive!
Boom!
That sounded like it hurt.
Ow, that hurt!
I told you. It's the ear of a doctor.
- Yeah!
- Guys, get out of here.
Off the top rung!
Jerk!
Yeah, in your face!
- Greg.
- What?
It's the Franklin brothers all over again.
Totally.
Who are the Franklin brothers?
They were these bullies
from our neighborhood
that used to torture us.
They used to chase after us
when we'd ride our bikes
around the neighborhood.
I have flashbacks whenever
I go to a spin class.
They're the reason we're
so good at video games.
They made us indoor kids.
Up, up, down, down, left, right,
left, right, B, A, select, start.
Yeah, I get it, brothers.
Yeah, you know, I looked
exactly like this when I was 13,
so I got bullied a lot, too,
Balding kids got it rough
in middle school.
Tent dive!
Here comes the..
They're tormenting an entire campsite,
and nobody's doing anything.
Yes, I know.
Guys, we got to do something.
I do not want to go out
there and get in a fight.
I just want to sleep.
I've never been in a fight.
I have.
Yes, it was a dance fight. I won.
No one wins in a dance fight.
Well, if we're going out
there, I got a little something
in my medical kit that'll
stack the odds in our favor.
Heroin? Yeah, sure.
No, it's vitamin B12 shots.
It'll give us a nice natural boost,
like sending back a sandwich
or sleeping without pants on.
- Yeah, I'm in.
- Okay, yeah, me, too.
All right, gentlemen, butts up.
Oh, come on...
- you can't give it to me in my arm...
- Do my arm.
- like an adult?
- Butts up.
I'm the doctor.
It's weird. I haven't gone
double-gun since medical school.
Yeah, do you really think it's
a good idea for you to do...
- Oh!
- Full moon fever.
Whew! Okay.
Who wants to do my butt?
Matt does.
All right.
Ah, that's it.
Whew, I feel good.
Is this how everyone feels all the time?
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I kind of feel like
taking my shirt off.
I won't back down.
Come on.
All right.
Let's save this tent city.
This is great.
I always wanted my first
fight to be with you guys.
Okay, we are gonna go out there
and we are gonna rewrite history.
Yeah, we're gonna go avenge
our younger wussie selves.
This happens right now!
I wish we had capes.
I wish I had pants.
I wish I had more B12.
There they are!
They're the guys that were tent diving!
Oh, no.
Let's get 'em!
Come on!
Greg!
Dance, Matt!
I don't have a beat!
Go!
I thought we agreed not to give him money.
He didn't give me money;
he gave me a belt buckle
he said was worth $75.
Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.
_
All right, I'm out of here.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's that?
It's just an emergency kit.
Anything you might need
on a senior camping trip.
There's matches, sunscreen,
one of those things that shatters glass,
in case your car goes into the lake
and you're trapped and can't get out.
Mom, stop.
Just take it so I don't worry.
If I took it, you'd still worry,
and I'd be the dweeb with
the mommy safety sack.
- Fine.
- Love you.
I love you.
See you later, Uncle Matt.
- Have fun camping.
- Hey.
You really going camping?
- No.
- Have fun camping.
Thank you so much for
letting me borrow your car.
No problem. I apologize for the smell.
Oh, and the stereo's not working.
Tim's Iron Maiden CD got stuck in there.
He tried to pry it out with a crayon.
- Okay.
- And, um,
just a little something extra.
Oh, no, Heather, no, no,
no, I don't need this.
You do, you do, you have
job interviews next week,
and you might need a new suit
or briefcase or something.
I didn't realize I was
interviewing for a job in 1985.
Just take it so I don't worry.
Okay.
Oh, and this, too, for emergencies.
Thank you.
And I couldn't press charges against them
because apparently, in
Florida it's not illegal
to put an alligator in someone's bed.
Oh, man, I love Florida.
The whole state's like one
of those restaurants where
- you can throw peanut shells on the floor.
- Yeah.
- Oh, your earrings are so pretty.
- Yeah.
Oh, thanks, Matt got 'em
for me this afternoon.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Oh, did he?
He got those for you today?
Like, noon?
And then after, he gave
you those big earrings. Wow.
Wow, must be getting serious.
I think so.
Unless he cheated.
But honestly, if he did, it's a fair trade.
I-I think a little more
wine, 'cause I like wine.
And you...
- can you help me in the kitchen right now?
- Okay.
- Please? Let's go. Come on.
- Okay.
I gave Matt some money this morning
to help him out with a job interview,
and now she has new earrings.
Wait, Matt asked you for money?
No, but I knew that he knew
that I knew he wanted to ask me.
It's a sister thing.
Does Greg give him money?
No, 'cause you won't let him.
Everybody knows that.
I never said that.
What else does Greg say I don't let him do?
Um, ride a tandem bicycle,
wear overalls and buy
a stormtrooper costume.
Only one of those things is true,
but two of them should be.
Interception!
Yes!
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, I-I can't do this. Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Did he tell you that I gave him the money
to buy you those earrings?
- Uh...
- No, he did not tell me that.
I-I don't care,
it's just that I-I need you to know that.
So, I, yeah, I guess
I do care a little bit.
Heather, I didn't use your money on those.
Did you use what I gave you?
I thought we agreed not to give him money.
You gave him money?
- N-No.
- No, he didn't give me money.
He gave me a belt buckle
he said was worth $75.
Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.
I didn't give him any money.
And why is that? And before you answer,
just know that I know.
Do you know that I want
a stormtrooper outfit?
I'm also aware of that, yes.
Heather, those are my earrings
from my Billy Idol phase.
Remember?
Oh, yes, I... now that you say it,
I remember, oh...
I don't take your money
because I need it.
I take your money because
you need me to take it.
That-that is not true.
- No, honey, that's true.
- Even I know that.
Okay, y-yes, that's true.
But it's only because I worry about you.
And I need to know that you're okay.
I'm gr... I'm great! Look, look, okay.
You know what? I was gonna wait until Greg
had some news that I
could one-up, but he's...
He's got nothing.
I might get a stormtrooper outfit.
Nothing. So, I got a job today.
It's at a graphic design company.
It's in my field, and you know,
for a group of nerds,
they actually seem like
they're pretty cool.
I'm so happy you got a job,
because it sounds like
there's no cute girls there.
In graphic design? None.
- To Matt!
- Yes! Yay!
May your new job
bring you great joy
and a new place to live.
Hear, hear!
All right.
There's somebody I want you to meet.
Uh, someone that I'm hoping
you'll welcome into the family.
_
Why did he call all of us here?
Do you think he's sick?
I don't know, it's big.
Mom has wine in her coffee mug.
So do I. Do you want some?
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Mm-hmm.
Kids, there's somebody I want you to meet.
Uh, someone that I'm hoping
you'll welcome into the family.
He's got another kid. I knew
it! I've always known it.
My dad makes the same announcement
every couple of years.
Christmas is getting very expensive.
Guys, stop it.
Do you have another kid, Dad?
What? Well, uh...
kind of.
I made a puppet!
Well, see you in a month, sleep.
His name is Cheeto.
Is he cute or what?
Retirement has been really
hard for your father.
And so we're just thrilled
that he found this wonderful new hobby.
Aren't we?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found
something I'm really good at.
- Ooh!
- Oh, whoa!
Uh, this just pops right back on.
Now, I'm gonna carve a
puppet for each one of you.
This one is for Baby Lark.
Oh, no, that's... but...
that's not fair to all of the...
puppet lovers here.
- Cheeto decides what's fair.
- I see.
I want to be with Lark!
It's talking.
But, you know, you can give him
any voice you want.
Oh, okay. There's options.
Oh!
Oh, now I can eat a goat.
Know what my dad's hobby is?
No, what?
I have no idea.
But I'll tell you what it's
not... building nightmares.
Your dad also booed our wedding dance.
Greg, she's not old enough for a blanket.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
She's here, she's here,
she's here, she's fine. It was just a joke.
You think it's funny screwing
with the only thing I love?
The only thing?
Yeah, now.
But did you see I-I put him in a...
diaper?
That is a fresh prank!
Well, she didn't want
him in the house anymore,
so can I bring him by later today?
Sure, he can live in the
closet like my brother.
I'll see you.
- Thanks, Tim.
- Sure.
Hey, how we feeling
today, Mrs. Abernathy... ?
Oh!
Oh, a new classic.
Hey, Cheeto.
Hey, honey?
Have you seen my... ?
Oh! Oh, my eye!
Oh, it's in my eye.
I mean, he won't have depth
perception for a few weeks.
But it was totally worth it.
Hey.
Somebody wake up Matt.
Kickoff in ten minutes.
Matt.
Make sure you can see his little hand,
so it looks like he's gonna
rip your face off and wear it as a mask.
Oh, that is so Cheeto.
Hey, guys.
Matt?
What?
Weren't you just... ?
- Dad, stop.
- Wait, it's a joke.
You went and picked the wrong house,
you piece of...
Cheeto?
Cheeto? Aw.
Well, you all think this
is a big joke, don't you?
Well, if everybody
thinks he's garbage, well,
then he's garbage.
No, John, just...
Honey, wait.
My kids,
listen.
Our house is filled with every pinch pot,
every slumped-over mug
that you ever made.
And we cherish them.
Because they came from
you and it doesn't matter
if they're grotesque.
Oh. You think he's grotesque?
- Did I say "grotesque"?
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't... it... he
makes me want to drink.
Well, I know he's ugly,
but I made him out of their tree.
What? You did?
Yeah, you said you wanted
a baby swing in the tree,
but then when we had to chop it down,
I figured the tree would
live on in-in Cheeto.
All right, go, go get him
out of the trash, Greg.
We love Cheeto, Dad.
Look how he's brought everybody together.
I mean, he's been more fun
than when you discovered
the Urban Dictionary.
Yeah, that was a pretty dope time.
Come on, Dad,
I mean, we had no idea
what Cheeto meant to you.
Do the Cheeto voice.
- Yeah!
- Oh, no, I got...
Cheeto! Cheeto! Cheeto!
Can I braid your hair?
That's our Cheeto.
We really do have
such a special family, don't we?
They are a good bunch, huh?
How can you do that to your own dear wife?!
You know what? That really is fun.
You know?
The laundry chute is right over Matt's bed.
What a good idea.
This is great.
Aah, son of a bitch!