Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Babe Secret Phone Germs - full transcript

_

- Where's Tyler?
- Oh, he's picking up his girlfriend.

I can't believe I'm saying that.

I can't wait to meet her.

Do you remember when he used to
say that he wanted to marry me?

- No.
- Well, I do.

We were gonna take our honeymoon at Epcot.

There's something

so sweet about

your first little girlfriend.

- She's not that little.
- Oh, big one, huh?



Well, any port in a storm.

All right, guys, take it easy on him.

I'm sure the kid is nervous.

So everybody just be
cool, give him his space,

you know, when he walks in here

with a full-grown woman.

Hi, everyone, this is Clementine.

Hi.

Wow, wow.

Wow. Wo... Look at...

all of you. Just...

Hi.

So nice to finally meet you all.

And you as well.



That was loud.

We always enjoy welcoming a new person

- into our familial enclave.
- Thank you.

So, you two are fellow styoo-dents?

Why are you talking like that?

Don't interrupt your father, son.

You know, here, in the Clan Hughes,

we have a long history in our family...

I'm trying to find... What's the exact word

to articulate the-the sense, the real...

I-I-I... need to see you in
the kitchen for one second.

Ah, a brief recess
while I retrieve my pipe.

Be right...

I thought she was supposed to be fat.

Parts of her are.

- What is coming out of your mouth?
- Did I say boobs?

No, but you're talking like
you're Little Lord Fauntleroy.

I freaked out. I don't know,
I don't know what to say.

I was, I was expecting some
mousy little chest club girl.

- What's chest club?
- I don't know, but she's the president of it.

Look, I was just trying to sound impressive

so she thinks she's joining a good family.

Hey, hey, hey... we
are a good family.

It is her job to impress us.

Mission accomplished.

Well, listen, I got to go put
some pepper on the "potatas"?.

- Potatoes.
- I... It's contagious.

- All right.
- Just be normal.

I don't know... Well, I'm in my head now.

I'm just gonna avoid her.

- Good plan.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm not standing next to that.
- What?

Oh, wow.

She is...

not as pretty as you are.

Nope, not by a mile.

You really stuck the landing there.

Thanks.

So, nobody's saying anything.
Do you guys not like her?

She's really cool. She
gets Radiohead on, like,

a deep level. We're both really
into molecular gastronomy,

you know, even though
neither of us have tried it.

But it's like we're totally connected

even though she's older, you know?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- How old?
- 18.

Come here. Dude, that is,
like, a number ten body. 18?

- Proud of you, man.
- I knew it. You champion.

- I'm sorry.
- Um, so, uh,

Tyler tells me that you're a doctor?

He shouldn't... I'm-I'm a ear,
nose and throat doctor, yes.

Yes. Sometimes I-I do...
I like to say "troat"?,

though, like a 1930s bad guy.

Let me see you troat, see?

I do a lot of characters.

Well, uh, what's your
favorite kind of doctor?

- Regular?
- Regular doctor. Very good.

Good, regular doctor. Nurse, get in here!

That's a regular doctor. I
also do female characters.

I think I know who did it.

It's Angela Lansbury from

Murder, She Wrote.
That was a very dangerous town.

She was super hot when she was young, too.

Not that you're hot. I wasn't saying
that. I wasn't looking at that.

- 'Cause I took an oath.
- All right, let's go.

- Oh, I made a mess of that.
- Oh, yeah, you did.

Hi, I'm Greg.

- Nope.
- Wow, that was quick.

Where's his starter girlfriend?

You know? The freckly-faced nerd that he's

supposed to hold hands
with and make mix tapes for?

Oh, no, he went straight to
the "I sold an app"? girlfriend.

It's hard, it's hard.

You were only four years older than Tyler

when you got pregnant.

I'm not ready for this.

You never will be. So you do what I did.

You let the first two go

and you baby the third one until you die.

Here, honey. I pulled
out all the celery pieces.

- Oh. Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.

Oh, the fork.

Do us all a favor...

and don't do that.

I shan't.

- Dad, what did you do?
- Hmm?

Clementine said you were being weird.

What?! No.

All right, listen.

This'll probably come as
a bit of a surprise to you,

but your old man wasn't always
the smoothest with girls.

I was just trying to be
nice without being creepy.

Did you just wink at her?

I did. I've never winked
at anybody in my life.

I don't know what's going on
here. I'm not ready for this.

Take some money. Go.

Okay, everybody. Thank
you so much for helping

warm up our new house.

We can't wait to make many memories here

with our family and-and our new people.

Clementine.

- So...
- Hear, hear!

- I should go.
- Yeah.

We're just, um...

You know, this is-is new for us.

I mean, we-we can't believe
that our little boy is dating.

Mom.

You remember when you
used to want to marry me?

- Mom.
- Those were... Sorry... good times.

Um, okay, so...

to boobs.

Oh, my God.

Did I just say "boobs"??

Oh, yeah, yeah, you did.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, I'm not sorry that you have them.

I'm sorry, uh...

What a lovely toast.

Cheers, honey.

_

You should take the stairs.

- Oh, no, I've been working out on Tim's Bowflex.
- No.

So nobody sees us walking
into the office together.

It's like 15 flights. Why can't I just

wait for the next elevator?

- No. There's a ban on interoffice dating.
- Right.

That's why there's no
restrictions on porn sites.

- There's not?
- Nope, not even the animal stuff.

- Really?
- Doris has a fetish.

That's not surprising.
- You can't date a coworker, though.

- Well, that's ridiculous.
- I know.

I mean, who are these people
to stand in the way of love?

- Love?
- Like.

That's not what you said.

- You don't have that on tape.
- You sure about that?

- Damn it.
- See?

- We have to be careful.
- Fine.

Okay. Stairs.

I got it.

And this, my man, is
how you beat the system.

Aha!

Aw, snoozytime tea.

Ow!

Hey, uh, you mind if I get
a second press off that?

Still good, right?

- It's all yours, man.
- All right.

My man.

Damn. Forget the coffee.

- I want to grind my beans on that.
- Okay.

- Well, I'll see you later.
- Hey,

what is your deal lately, Matt?

Did HR talk to you, too?

Oh, no, no, I'm just not into her.

- You're not?
- No.

Then, who's your fantasy office bang?

It's, uh...

Doris.

Doris?

Rock your world, man.

Huh.

So what are you getting for lunch?

I don't know. Something nasty.

Time cards.

Whoa.

Is there something
going on between you two?

- What?
- What?

Because I feel like there's

romance tension rising up in here,

and if you're dating, that's trouble.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Oh, my God, no.

- That's not... no, not it at all.
- That's absurd.

- No, no, wouldn't be possible. No way, no.
- That's like not even...

- It's, like, totally against the rules.
- No.

- We're not.
- Gross. He's a nobody.

Yeah, you don't think I
could do better than this?

Please, please, please.

Come here. Please come here.

Uh...

Is this the forbidden executive lounge?

Yeah, don't change the subject.

You could do better than this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

You said that I was a nobody.

- I was acting.
- Yeah, so was I.

You're always telling me that you want
to role-play, so I was role-playing.

Yeah, role-playing, like
period piece role-playing.

Like, wenches and innkeepers.

I'm freaking out.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

We can't let anyone know about any of this.

Okay, okay, okay.

- You're right.
- Okay?

And-and, you know,

- for the record...
- Mm-hmm.

I-I don't think that I
can do better than you.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh!

- Excuse me.
- Mm, sorry.

So, I, um...

will get back to you about that

- Mm-hmm.
- in just a...

- minute.
- Mm-hmm.

You guys are.

Breaking all the rules.
Breaking all the rules.

Knock, knock. Are you busy?

Uh, hello.

- Hey.
- Just...

have a seat.

- So, uh, Matt and I talked,
- Mm-hmm.

- And it's all g-g-g-g-g-g-good.
- Okay.

You know, I'm going to
keep it on the D-low.

- Mm-hmm.
- The down low. The down diggity low.

- Okay, I got it. Yeah.
- How low can you go?

Got it. Thanks.

- XXL. Extra, extra low.
- Thanks. Yeah. I got it.

Oh, I, uh, have those numbers

that you were asking Matt about.

Anyway, I got to split.

But, um, I like you two as a couple.

There's something real sexy about it.

Covertly sexy.

- I can't keep this up.
- What?

Everything feels so gross now,

like we've negotiated with a terrorist

which seemed fine until
the terrorist asked me

if you had dumped your
files on my work chest.

Okay, look, the guy is an
idiot. We can ignore him.

- I don't know.
- Right?

Ah, if it isn't Romeo and Juliet.

Hey, I was just thinking.

I'm sitting on a gold mine here.

So, I want your parking space

and... I want,

I don't know, your tie.

I mean, I don't even like it,
but I'll do something with it.

I'll wrap it around my head
like the Karate Kid, or whatever.

And if you do that,
we'll keep it on the XXL.

The extra, extra low.

Ya follow?

We're so screwed.

No...

Ten years of kissing ass at this place

and I have to go fall
in like with a coworker.

An ex-coworker.

Excuse me.

Um, excuse me, everyone.

I quit.

So there's that.

What are you doing?

I will see you Saturday.

Okay.

I like this.

If I can't have a cell phone,

you guys should at least put down yours

so we can eat like a family.

_

I want a phone.

You can't have a phone until
you're 12. You know that.

Why 12? That's so arbitrary.

'Cause that's when you're old
enough to be responsible for it.

You guys lose your phone every
time you go to wine tastings.

For real?

It's just a lady trapped in a lawn chair.

Forward me that.

if I can't have a cell phone,

you guys should at least put down yours

so we can eat like a family.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Yes...

we should do...

Yeah.

She can't get out of there.

Give it.

So they want you to be 12, huh?

Seems like a long time to wait.

And the worst part is, it
won't be magical when I'm 12.

It'll just be another thing to shrug at.

'Cause the little girl
inside me will be dead.

She's gonna die?

She's already dying.

Get in the car.

I cannot believe this is happening.

I'm going to be able to
text you now, Pop-Pop.

Don't you dare ever grow up.

I won't have to, now.

I'll be happy forever.

Pop-Pop's little honey bunny.

- Boop, boop.
- Ha.

Who's texting you so late?

Huh? Oh, I think it's more fun
if we have our little secrets,

don't you?

Oh, you're right.

I shouldn't ask if I don't want to tell.

Tell what?

Joanie?

How do you type a firework?

Oh, hey there, little Ms. Pocketbook.

Such a lady.

Yup.

Excuse me. Ripped one.

That's what happens when
you make me eat vegetables.

Little crop duster.

Okay, I'm calling you right now.

Ha! Look at that.

Your sweet little face pops up.

It'll do it every time I call.

Isn't that so cool?

Ooh, I love that.

All right, who's up for some ice cream?

I'm going to go call you from my backyard.

But ice cream?

I just love the Price Club.

I mean, they got everything there.

- They even had a book signing last week.
- Oh...

- The Diary of a Wimpy Kid guy.
- That's so cute.

- You read those...
- Oh, my gosh...

- uh, those Wimpy Kid books?
- I have to forward that.

Sophia?

Uh-oh.

I-Is something bothering you, sweetheart?

I think I really screwed up, Joanie.

I'm too embarrassed to even tell you.

Well, use the hypothetical, if that helps.

Oh, yeah.

A friend of mine...

went and bought his
granddaughter a cell phone.

You dumb son of a bitch!

I said it was a friend of mine.

You have to tell Heather. You have to.

- She has rules about these things.
- I didn't fly

in two wars to have my
daughter tell me what to do.

Now, you tell her for me.

Uh, she gets really scary when she's mad.

Oh, please. Honey,

it just is so dumb.

I'm sorry.

I just love seeing her happy,

and I-I made a mistake.

So just

take it easy on her, you know,

like, give her a toy or a cookie.

Ice cream. Bring her some ice cream

and then tell her.

Oh. Oh, you-you think
that I'm gonna tell her.

What?

Oh, no.

You bought her the cell phone,

so you can take it away.

Have fun with that.

Maybe you get her some ice cream,

a really nice toy.

Should be a good time.

Oh, no. Please.

No, she's so scary when she's mad.

Heather. Heather?

Anyway, it seems that Pop-Pops

make mistakes, too, I guess.

I'm so sorry, angel.

I thought you were different.

- Soph...
- It's okay.

I guess you have to be sad sometimes

to know what happy feels like.

I got an idea.

Um...

you want to get your ears pierced?

Really?!

Can we go right now?

Um... Mmm.

Now?

_

Nope. Higher, higher, higher.

- The light fixture. The light fixture.
- Ah, got him. Got him.

He's playing with you.

- He's playing with your mind.
- I know.

Oh. Ooh.

Messing with you. He thinks he's bad.

He thinks he's bad to the bone. Here we go.

- Superfly, I got you. I got you. I got...
- Okay.

Oh, God.

What do we do?

Um... You know what?

You know what? No, I-I refuse to be

one of those

germophobic, new,

high-strung parents. Like,

why? For why?

- Okay. I don't want to do it.
- You know?

- So lame. No.
- Who wants to be that guy?

- Not me. Cool parents.
- No. You know?

We're cool. We're not those people.

- We're not.
- Let's leave this to the crazy parents.

- Yes.
- Crazy parents can disinfect that

in some, you know, organic soap,

chant a prayer over it, you know, boil it.

- Me, I'm not giving it one more thought.
- Great.

- Great. Done. Fabulous.
- Great. Right? Out of sight, out of mind.

Be right back.

Not thinking about it. I'm
still not thinking about it.

That's how much I don't care.

I've never even thought about it since.

What? What is it?

That skunk is back. He almost got me again.

The skunk is back?

We looked each other

right in the eye, and then
he turned his ass on me.

- He let you look at his other eye.
- Yeah. Winked at me.

- He cock the trigger?
- Locked and loaded.

Yeah, so it's-it's pretty
much just been running around

the front yard every night.

Oh, yeah. They's creatures of habit.

Once he got hisself a routine,
he hardly break from it.

But don't you worry... we'll catch him.

And, uh, what kind of bait

is...

- the, uh... is that?
- That's

Elegant Kitty cat food.

- Uh, oh.
- It's the good stuff.

This is expired, though.

Yeah, it's a good thing skunks
can't read no sell-by date.

If he could, probably be too
smart for me to catch him.

You mind if I use your john?

Uh...

- W...
- Uh...

"John" means "turlet".

- Y-Yeah.
- Right. Right.

I wouldn't ask, 'cept it's an emergency.

Sure.

Right. Um...

I'd like to do that now.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Uh, uh... aah.

Just, uh, come on in.

Uh, it's just right down the hall,

- second door on your right. Yeah.
- Thank you.

I-I'm sorry, uh, can
you take your boots off?

We just... We have a little baby.

I got nine kids,

all boys and girls.

I cannot believe you let
that man into our house.

His socks are leaking.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no,

- wrong door!
- No, no, no, no!

I went in the wrong door.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Looks like he was getting up anyway.

She.

Oh, God.

She smell like... Japanese candy.

You know, with the tic-tac-toe
game on the outside.

Found it.

What is taking so long?

Took me less time to give birth.

Yeah, and you made less noise.

Well, you-you might want to
have a plumber look in there.

Having some trouble going down.

I'd've pushed it if I had my boots on.

But y'all are fussy.

Uh, yeah, that's...

that's okay. We were... we
were gonna get a new toilet

- tomorrow anyway, so...
- New baby, new toilet, like they say.

- That's what they say.
- That's a real cute boy you got there.

Yeah. We have to get
some bows for her hair.

- Oh.
- Ooh! I got it.

No, please... No, no, no.

Five-second rule.

It's scientific.

No. Oh, please. Oh-oh, my God.

Germs can't live if they
only got five seconds

to attach themselves.

I know.

Is this cleanser too strong?

Uh, I hope so.

I bought it at the Mexican market.

There are no rules there.

No, no. I mean the fumes.

Is it too strong for the baby?

I mean, I'm-I'm sure...

I'm sure it's fine, right?

Is it?

No.

I'll get the windows.

Got it. I'm just gonna open this door

- a little bit, just air her out.
- Okay.

- It's happening, isn't it?

- We're the crazy parents?
- Yeah.

Yeah. But our baby is
going to live forever.

She'll be like the Highlander.

Oh, yeah. People will travel from thousands

of miles just to touch
the hem of her garment.

- As long as they wash their hands.
- Oh, I love you so much.

I love you. I'm gonna get the back door.

Yeah, I'll get the bedroom.

- Hey, did you get the baby's room?
- Nope, not yet.

Smell that? The neighbors
are having a party.

It's the good stuff. You can tell.

Yeah. Seriously.

Oh, look, she's so cute, asleep in her...

Skunk!