Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Tattoo Valentine Guitar Pregnant - full transcript

_

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Uh, I was thinking about
getting a tattoo here.

All right.

It looks like you
already took all of them.

Well, I mean, we also do piercings,

branding, genital spearings...

I think I only have time
for the one mutilation today.

I gotta make a big splash with
my wife for Valentine's Day.

I was thinking

maybe something like that?



You sure you want to get that?

Tattoos are forever.

- I gave it a lot of thought.
- Okay.

Where do you want to get it?

Huh.

Good... good question.

Hey, brother.

In law.

Want to see something cool?

Check it out!

For Valentine's Day,

I got Heather's name tattooed

- on my shoulder.
- Aw... oh...

- "I heart Heater."
- Ha-ha.



No, it says "I heart Heather."

No, dude, that says "I heart Heater."

What?

- I can't...
- Okay.

Uh, uh, Timmy, I'm just
gonna take a picture of it.

I'm gonna want this in a frame anyway.

See?

No!

No! She held up a mirror,

but, you know, I mean,
it's like a haircut...

after an hour, you're
all out of conversation

and you just want to get out of there.

Your haircuts take an hour, do they?

Look. This is what I wrote down.

"I heart Heather."

No, "I heart Heater."

- That says "Heather"!
- It...

I'm a doctor! I have terrible penmanship.

Well...

Do you think if I go back in there,

she could squeeze an "H" in there?

I don't think that you got the room, man.

I mean, I think maybe she
could squeeze a "T" in front.

"I Heart... I Heart Theater."

Yeah, but I don't heart theater.

Not since that dude in
a catsuit sat in my lap.

Hey, Heater.

- "Heater"?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I was thinking you need a nickname,

so I'm gonna start calling you Heater.

Why Heater?

Well, because you keep me warm

and you're hot

and... portable.

So... Heater.

Yeah, I-I-I gotta say,

- I'm not loving it.
- No?

You know, maybe we just
stick to Honey or Pumpkin?

No, I don't want to call
you some kind of food.

I want to call you
something that gets food hot.

- Mmm.
- So get on over here, Heater.

Keep Daddy warm.

Okay, don't-don't call me that.

And don't call yourself Daddy.

Hey, Heater.

Hey! Look at that!

It's really catching on.

(gasping): Ah... he's a good kid.

Such a... good kid.

HEATHER: "If you can't take the Heater,

get out of her kitchen."

Yeah.

Huh.

Happy Valentine's Day.

(gasps)

You didn't have to do that.

Ah, no, yes, I did.

I wanted to. And do you know why?

Because, Heater, you
are the love of my life,

and I wanted to give you a gift that...

No, y-you got to stop
calling me that, okay?

I-it makes me feel like a truck driver.

It's weird and masculine and off-putting.

Yeah, but you'll be true to your nickname

- and you'll warm up to it, Heater.
- Okay.

Yeah, really. The more I hear it,
the more turned off I get.

Okay, no. You don't need
to take your robe off.

That's the wrong direction.

If you call me that one more time, I...

I don't have to.

"I heart Heater"?

That was supposed to
say "Heather," wasn't it?

I...

I feel like I really blew
it with the anniversary gift,

so I wanted to get you
something that was forever.

I-I love that you did this.

I love that you were willing

to disfigure your body
to prove that you love me.

(laughs)

I do love you, Heather.

I know you do.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?

For tonight...

- I'll let you call me Heater.
- All ri... aah!

- Don't touch it, don't touch it!
- I'm sorry, okay, I know.

- It's fresh, it's fresh.
- Ah...

Hey, what are you guys
doing for Valentine's Day?

Oh, we're babysitting Lark.

It's not babysitting if it's your kid.

Yeah, well, Greg likes calling it that.

He thinks it makes it more fun.

- Oh.
- He's not right.

Well, fortunately, Colleen
is not into Valentine's Day.

- Ah.
- Nah... I know what

you both are going to say:

that any woman whose
favorite color is pink,

has a dog named Princess

and wants to get married at Disneyland

loves Valentine's Day,
but she made it very clear.

- Yeah...
- Okay

so when you hear yourself say that,

do you think, (A) I'm an idiot.

(B) I'm an idiot.

(C) I'm an idiot.

or( D) All of the above?

I gotta make dinner reservations.

Mm-hmm.

- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.

Really?

You got nothing at 7:00?

Okay. Um... how about 8:00?

9:00? 11:00.

No, no. You're-you're absolutely right.

I should have planned better. Thank you.

You-you are, hands down,
her favorite restaurant.

Really? Nothing at 11:00?

Well, then, let's-let's
circle back around, shall we?

6:00? 5:00. 4:00.

Really? So you have no tables for two?

Do you have any tables?

Yeah, we'll take that.

Thank you. Thank you. (sighs)

Now, if you'll excuse me...

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey. Reservation for Short.

Oh. Table for four.

- Yeah.
- Is your entire party here?

They sure are.

All right, troops, let's go!

There's no one there, sir.

You're talking to a coat rack.

There were people in
those coats a second ago.

(both chuckle) No, they're
all in the bathroom.

We don't mind starting without them.

I'm sorry, I can't seat you

until your entire party is here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Why is that?
- You wouldn't believe it,

but sometimes couples
try and beat the system

on Valentine's Day by booking a four-top

when all the two-tops are gone.

Well, that is not us.

I don't know if you could tell,

but I fashion myself after Abraham Lincoln.

- Hmm.
- Old Honest Abe.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, in fact,

the president shows up from time to time.

He's moved out of his log cabin,

looking for a new place to live,

perhaps in your pants.

I'm not wearing pants.

- Perhaps in your...
- Of any kind.

Look, I'm sorry, but you
have a 15-minute grace period,

or I'm gonna have to give your table away.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Everything okay?

Uh-huh, yeah. It's great.
It's great. (giggles)

You know... there's actually a proposal

happening at our table right now.

- No. (gasps)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's taking a little long

because she can't find the ring
in the souffl?, but it's okay,

they're on it...

- they're helping her dig it out.
- Okay.

You know,

after all that time with Chad,

I just taught myself not to
expect special days like this.

But, honestly, you bringing me here tonight

restores my faith in love

and makes me feel like
I'm worth it, finally.

Wow, I'm really glad we're here.

Yeah.

Um, would you excuse me for a second?

(laugh track plays on TV, phone buzzes)

Hi.

MATT: Hey, hey.

Um, hey. Emergency.

So I need you guys to meet me

at a fancy dinner, like,
you know, right this moment.

Oh, yeah, well, we got a bunch
of nerds on our front lawn

taking pictures of a bird,

and I'm eating shredded
cheese with a baby spoon.

So, no can doozle.

There we go.

Heather, it's Matt. I, uh...

Yeah, I-I'm kind of busy over here.

Who is it, Heater?

Oh, my God, that worked?

Bye.

(groans)

This is such a surprise.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Thanks.

It's so sweet of you to include us

in your first Valentine's Day together.

Remember our first one, Joanie?

- We-we never even made it to dinner.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That was a long time ago.

Well, you're just as
beautiful now, darling.

Come here, sweetheart.

(both moaning)

(both groan)

Rib eye's looking tasty.

Yep, wonder if it's got the bone in?

- I shouldn't have said that.
- No.

(moaning)

This isn't as romantic

as I'd hoped it was gonna be.

I was just trying to give you

a Valentine's Day you'd remember.

(laughs) I'm gonna remember it.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

And not just because your dad

thinks that my foot is your mom's.

Hmm? Oh.

- Uh, sorry, sweetheart.
- Oh!

So sorry.

- No, no, no...
- No, no...

- That's...
- Are you guys hungry?

I want you to go back to that store

and I want you to get your guitar.

- Come on.
- Thanks.

- Go pretend to be the man you'll never be.
- I will.

_

This one's cool.

I have underwear this color.

Oh, I haven't seen those.

They like boy shorts or like...?

(Irish brogue): I can get
you a good deal on that.

Is it any good?

You tell me.

Nice.

That is the worst riff

I've ever played in my life.

I wouldn't sell it to you

even if you wanted me to.

Do you play?

Um, rhythm guitar.

It's actually for me.

May I?

Long nails on your right hand.

Short nails on your left because,

well, you finger with it.

Here's the hand I finger with.

You know, I think we should go.

Uh, I'm also considering a banjo.

(sputters)

(no accent): Oh, hey,
Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

Brian asked me to go get
burritos for everybody,

but can you do it, please?

(tuning guitar)

Hey, where's your new guitar?

Oh, the old one's fine.

Oh, that's not good.

All right, what's really going on here?

The guitar salesman started
hitting on Clementine,

so we left.

All right, look.

I got a little experience
in this area, okay?

Your mom was the hottest girl

in my college, and I was just

some bald guy whose mustache
connected to his sideburns.

Was that a thing?

Yeah, in the 1870s.

Look, the point is, I wasn't cool, Tyler.

But when I was with your mom, I acted cool,

and that's the trick.

Look, I want you

to go back to that store,

and I want you to get your guitar.

- Come on.
- Thanks.

Go pretend to be the man you'll never be.

I will.

You're not cool, Dad.

Neither are you, kid. Proud of you.

(door opens)

(Irish brogue): Well, welcome back.

I just wanted to stop by again

with my girlfriend.

Oh, did you want that plugged in?

- Oh, no, no, no. It's fine, it's fine.
- I'm sorry, oh!

It's just, yeah...

- I was just shredding a little bit.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Making sure this thing can hold my sound.
- Sure.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I really like how old this one is.

Oh, you like older equipment, do you?

Actually, I think this one

is a little bit nicer.

And, uh, a few years newer.

This one's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah, no. You can't
go wrong with that one.

But when you're ready to
take it to the next level,

you can trade that one in for
something professionals use.

Unless

Hendrix wasn't a professional.

Looking cool, buddy.

Just like my dad.

- Want me to play drums?
- Nope.

Tim?

Did you charge something for $2,500?

- That was $2,500?!
- You told me to stand my ground!

Wasn't there some $100
ground you could've stood?

Hendrix played this. I mean,
I could be just like him now.

Dead and in estate battles
over who owns his rights?!

Okay, that is going back today.

We are driving you.

(no accent): I swear to God I was not

the last person to use the bathroom.

I don't even do that at work, okay?

- Hi, excuse me?
- (Irish brogue): Hello.

Um, my-my son needs

to return this guitar.

Well, it is against store policy.

But I suppose I could override it.

I'd have to check your I.D. to
make sure your his mom, though.

There's no way you could have a teenager.

Well, I-I was very young when I had him.

All right, thanks, buddy,
we really appreciate it,

from one musician to another, so...

Oh, yeah?

What did you play... the tuba?

Oh! No, the guitar.

And a little tuba in high school.

Tuba!

Compensating for a tiny horn, eh?

Oh, hardly!

Tuba's the biggest horn there is.

Wraps all the way around your body.

Just like this girl's gonna do tonight.

- Isn't that right, honey?
- Sure.

If you'd like to get back

into the guitar, uh, I could point you

to the beginner's section, but you know,

this area here's more for rock stars

and their groupies.

(chuckles)

So...

why did you buy that guitar?

(sighs)

Because that guy was hitting on you.

So?

So it bummed me out.

Look, I want you

to stay with me forever.

That sounds like I'm
gonna murder you, sorry.

Look, Tyler, everybody hits on me.

Like all the time.

I love that shirt.

Thanks.

She wasn't looking at my shirt.

Hmm?

Look, I am with you,

because I want to be with you.

Don't worry about it.

I'm your girlfriend.

Well, bad news is I
couldn't return your guitar.

But I did manage to pick up
a little something for myself.

It did set me back $4,000.

But that'll just encourage me

to learn how to play it.

You are insane.

Yeah, we really showed that Scotsman, huh?

I thought he was Irish.

Don't be racist.

You have the baby.

If you realize that it's too soon,

I'll take it. Yeah, I mean,

I'm your sister, so it's
like it's half mine anyway.

_

Uh, so I just got a, uh,
calendar alert on my phone.

Yeah, it's Valentine's Day.

Why do you think I matched
my underwear to my bra?

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not that.

Uh, today's the day that we said

we'd start trying for another baby.

Remember?

Valentine's Day, 10:00 a.m., make a baby.

Wait, what, that... that's... that's now?

- Yeah.
- That's... wow.

That-that-that-that
happened so soon.

I mean, how can we have a baby?

We... we already have a baby.

Uh, well, we said that we wanted
them to be two years apart,

and Lark is eight months old,

and it took seven months to
get pregnant last time, so...

Right, okay, but...

but-but-but-but-but-
but-but-but... but...

uh, that plan was devised
in a pre-Lark world,

and post-Lark world is very different.

It is... it's-it's darker, you know?

It's-it's grittier.

It's sleepier.

It's... saggier.

So you don't want to have another baby.

It's very saggy, Greg.

I have to go make a dinner reservation.

HEATHER: Yeah, buddy, yeah.

I'm an idiot.

Hey, Heater, question for you.

What was the bigger transition...

Going from one kid to two or two to three?

- Mmm... oh, my God.
- What?

- You're gonna have a baby.
- No.

- Baby!
- No!

- Baby! Baby!
- (coughing): No.

(coughing)

No. No, we're not having a baby;

we're thinking about having a baby.

We're trying to, you know,

zone in on the exact perfect time to...

You have the baby.

If you realize that it's too soon,

I'll take it. Yeah, I mean,

I'm your sister, so it's
like it's half mine anyway.

Intriguing proposition. Okay.

Well, uh...

- I'm gonna bring these facts to Jen.
- Yeah.

And, uh, I'll get back to you.

Hey, and I will carry it for
you, too, if that's the issue.

- Now I can get behind that.
- Oh.

You are so hot when you're pregnant.

Something about you and
I having the same profile

really gets me going.

Mmm.

JOAN: Oh, we just heard the great news.

My goodness.

My baby is having another baby.

Oh. Oh, well, um, thank you,

but, no, no, I'm not... I'm not pregnant.

- No, we're waiting.
- Oh.

Maybe. Or not.

- W-w-w-we don't know.
- Okay.

I think you're supposed to
cut down on the sauce a little

during this time, darling, but you do you.

- She's not pregnant.
- Not pregnant.

Think you should wait.

- Yeah?
- When kids are too close in age,

you know, it strains the relationship,

and the younger one always
ends up sucking at sports.

Greg, heads up.

JOAN: You know, I think
you two are making this

much too complicated.

When it's time to have
another baby, you'll know.

We-we will?

Yes, there'll be a sign.

Just like there was when
we got pregnant with Greg.

There was a sign?

We were all around the table,

and somehow a chair from the dining room

had made its way into the kitchen.

I looked at that empty chair,

and I knew something was missing.

And that something was another baby.

What about me, Mom?

What was the sign you should have me?

Oh.

Remember what that sign was?

I do.

"Ten minute loading zone."

(laughs)

(sighs) Finally, some peace of mind.

It's not up to us, you know?

If it was up to us, we
wouldn't know what to do.

- But it's not up to us.
- No.

- No, it's up to fate.
- Yeah.

So we don't have to find the answer,

- it'll find us.
- That's right.

- (bird squawking)
- (gasps)

- Is that...
- A stork?

Yes, it is.

Wow.

Thought we'd have, like,
at least an hour or two

before we saw a sign.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Let's go make a baby.

Happy Valentine's Day.

That's no stork. It's a crane.

- What? Really?
- Yeah.

Storks are not indigenous

- to this area. And are silent.
- No.

That thing was squawking.

- I mean, you heard it.
- Squawk, squawk, squawk.

- I mean, it's a crane. It's a crane.
- That's a crane. That's a crane.

Oh, that is a crane.
So-so-so it's not a stork.

- So it's not a sign.
- Mm-mm.

So we shouldn't be trying

- for a baby.
- No.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

I'm okay with that. Are you okay with that?

- It's not up to us. You know?
- No.

I mean, it's a... it's a crane.

- It's a dang crane.
- Dang it.

- (groans)
- Yeah.

- Universe. So mad.
- Yeah.

(chuckling): You know?

All right, I'm gonna put on sweatpants.

(quietly): You can stay in the outfit.

(knocking)

Hi there! I'm, uh, Chip Baggins

from SoCal Bird Watchers.
And if you don't mind,

I'd like to document
that stork on your lawn.

- Oh, that's no stork. It's a crane.
- No,

it's a stork. Genus
Ciconia, species Ciconia.

- Yeah, I don't know what that is.
- What is that?

But I Wikipedia'd the hell out
of that, and that's a crane.

It's got a chip in it.
That's how we tracked it here.

It's a white stork that's broken

from its normal migratory patterns.

It's a pretty big deal, actually.

Oh, this is tough news
to break to you, Chip,

but it's not a big deal.
It's a very tiny baby deal,

because it's not a stork.

Yeah, if it was a stork, it would be

- a big deal, because then...
- Big deal.

- we can get busy making baby number two.
- Yeah.

That's a fairy tale, actually.

Well, for you, maybe, Chip,

but, for us, making
love is very, very real.

- GREG: Yeah. We take it very seriously.
- But, uh,

alas, Mommy's in sweatpants

'cause it's a crane. So... (chuckles)

- boo-hoo. But bye-bye. (chuckles)
- Take care. Bye-bye.

But it just... what...
it would be... but...

(gobbling sounds)

- (vehicle approaching)
- Ooh.

Hi.

MAN: Guys, there it is, guys.

MAN 2: Let's set up over here.

MAN 1: I'll back up the truck.

Oh. I'm gonna put you back down.

(indistinct chatter)

WOMAN: In three, two...

The appearance of a stork
has a Mar Vista couple asking,

what the flock?

It's a crane! Leave us alone!

- Honey.
- Yeah, I know.

- It's a stork.
- Okay,

you know what, give me
a 30-minute head start.

I'm gonna climb back into that lingerie.

We're gonna knock dem boots, okay?

Let's wait.

Wait, what?

Let's wait.

Lark is so amazing right now.

And I know whoever is
gonna come around next

is gonna be just as amazing.
But right now I'm not ready

to give up this special time

that we have with just us and Lark.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I love just us.

You know? We can, like, each take

one of her hands and
swing her in between us.

We couldn't do that if
there was another kid.

Okay. New plan.

- You ready?
- Mm-hmm.

The new plan is no plan.

I like that plan.

You do?

Mm-hmm. And I love you.

I love you, too.

(pecking)

What's that sound?

That's the stork pecking at our window.

- I'm gonna go turn on the sprinklers.
- Yeah.