Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Burn Vasectomy Milkshake Pong - full transcript

_

Honey, come on. Ok?

Heather said dinner was at 6,
you can do that in the morning.

What if in the morning I
forget to tell Tonita

where the back-up pads are and
she needs them and calls me at work.

But I'm locked in the handicapped
bathroom, cause I was pumping in there.

And that door sticks that
nobody walks down that hall,

because Sue's desk is there.

And Sue still thinks that
natural deodorant actually works.

Ok, I-I thought that you were
worried about going back to work.

But now I'm concerned you're having
some sort of medical emergency.



Reminds me I need to tell Tonita
where the first-aid kit is.

Okay, you know what?

Why don't we write that one in the car?

- What? Oh.
- Okay? Come on.

I think we can pop it off

- right before we go.
- Yeah. Absolutely.

- Do it.
- There we go. That's good. That's good.

Hey, hey, that brats are ready.

I could offer you the best...

but it'd still be the "werst".

Ah, you liked that one?

I didn't think anyone get that one,

because I used the German pronunciation.

Huh? Oh, no, I wasn't actually listening.



Oh.

She's a little preoccupied...

- going back to work tomorrow.
- Mmm-hmm.

These almonds in a cell...

I love a nut in the cell.

I just realized we have
an unlocked toilet seat.

Did she just leave?

Ah, she's just going to write
herself a Post-it note...

at home.

Is she gonna...

come back for that pasta salad?

- Cause I could... use an extra serve.
- Just have at it.

I've never seen her so crazy before...

- I-I...
- This is going back to work

after baby syndrome.

You feel guilty if you're excited,

- you feel guilty if you're not excited.
- Mmm-hmm.

- It's... it's like sex.
- What?

I just wish that there was some way

that I could help her through this.

You can. You take the hit.

A controlled burn.

You pick a fight with her...

she gets to release the tension on you.

The fire is contained.

And then she gets to work in peace.

Aah, the old rodeo clown.

Yeah, I've been in that barrel a few times.

Ok. Ok, so what do I pick a fight about?

What would you say if you
want to pick a fight with me?

Well, it doesn't really apply
to us 'cause you don't work.

Ok, I get it.

- A place to start, you know?
- Yeah.

Oh, I-I work.

Ok? I work!

So, what's going on here?

Oh, I'm just trying to
find something to wear

to work tomorrow that doesn't
make me look like Mr. Peanut.

Okay, what do you think of this?

I think you should lose

a little bit more baby
weight before you wear that.

I'm sorry, what?

I think you need to
lose a little baby weight

before you wear that-that
particular, uh, dress.

Okay.

So I'm... 'cause I'm seeing the words

come out of your mouth,

but when they reach my ears,
I just, I know that they,

they can't be right.

Oh, no, they're right.

They're right.

I just think you look a little, um, stuffed

in a shell like a

peanut.

It's your turn.

It's my turn? Sure, this is a fun game.

So I talk, I talk now?

No, you know what, let's
just forget I said anything,

'cause I am reevaluating
this whole thing...

I am literally dreading

the moment that I have to
say good-bye to Lark tomorrow

and leave her for the first
time in four months to go back

to my very demanding job
where I will try my hardest

to focus on work, but really
all I'll be thinking about is her

and feeling like I should be home

because I'm probably missing something

and wondering if she's okay

and if she's sad because
I'm not there holding her.

So I'm sorry if that's
what I'm worried about,

and you're worrying about,
uh, whether or not I look...

- Wh-What's the word?
- Not-not-not fat.

- Oh.
- I shouldn't have gone to fat.

I was, I was just trying to make you upset.

But now it seems like
you're really mad and...

Oh, so you were trying to make me upset?

For a very particular reason
and it's a good reason.

- Comes from a good place.
- Feels good.

- Yeah.
- Well, not right now.

- No. No, no, no, no.
- It's not feeling good right now.

But it started in, uh, from a well-meaning

- Uh-huh.
- place...

Of, uh, you know...

controlled burn?

Big mistake, big mistake.

I'm hiding in the bathroom now.

Yeah, I can't talk to you right now.

I got my own problems over here.

You can't just walk away

in the middle of an argument!

Hey, if I walk away,

it's not the middle of an argument.

Okay, look, Jen has thrown all of my jeans

in the dryer on high...

How do you like the corn chips now?

She's taking all the bags of chips

and crushing them because she knows

I don't like chip dust.

I love chip dust.

Most of the chewing's already done for you.

Tim, get off the phone!

Hello?

H-Heather?

Tim?

Are you there?

I am.

Mommy's here.

Quick "Q"... Heather,

did you tell Greg to call me fat?

I-I told him to-to do

a controlled burn, you
know, be-be a rodeo clown.

Okay, well, the burn is out of control.

So I want to thank you,
'cause I always wanted to be

uh, in a burning, burning rodeo.

Morning.

Morning.

So, uh, just a quick tip.

When you take advice from Heather,

you end up acting like Tim.

Yeah.

So maybe stop taking advice from Heather?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You don't deserve this.

Okay.

Be a good girl for Tonita, okay?

Come here.

Oh, gosh.

Want to take one last rip?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There you go.

Oh, that is the good stuff.

- Okay, whew!
- Yeah.

- So, uh, you're okay?
- Whew!

You know what?

I am.

Good, so, I mean, I guess

this all kind of worked.

Yeah, I only wrote one Post-it last night.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

Great.

- _
-Don't tell me what it says.

_

Well, I dropped them all
off at their sleepovers.

Tyler's at boy Julian's house.

Samantha's at girl Julian's house.

And Sophia is at Charisma's,

whose gender seems fluid.

It's kind of nice not having them here.

- Yeah.
- Hey, we should do that thing

that we've always talked about.

Are you serious?

You'd let me do that?

Let you? Listen, if I'm being honest,

I'd want you to do it.

That is so hot. This is a huge

game changer in our relationship.

That's what I'm hoping!

There's no way we're talking

about the same thing, is there?

I think that getting a
vasectomy is a very smart idea.

Yeah, well, just so you know, my idea

wouldn't have resulted
in pregnancy, either.

Oh, come on, everybody we know is doing it.

That's what you said about Club Med.

And then you almost lost a pinkie toe

and I wound up snorkeling
through someone else's diarrhea.

Yes, but to be fair, someone
had to snorkel through yours.

I know, I know.

Hey, hey, hey.

- I'm scared.
- I know.

I mean, look.

What if there's an earthquake

and he cuts the whole thing off?

I just think it deserves better.

Okay, well, this is your hospital.

You know all the doctors.

It's-it's going to be fine.

Hey!

Oh, hey, Dr. Changa.

Hey, you two. Heather?

- Hi.
- Hey, Jimmy.

- How are you?
- I'm, I'm...

Timmy, last chance to
feel the wind in your hair

before we shave your balls.

You guys ready?

- No.
- Yes.

I'll take that as a yes.

Um, hey, could we record it?

Yeah, we, uh, recorded the conception

and the birth, so this
way we'd have the trilogy.

- No, no.
- It's like a Star Wars...

There's no recording. It's a legal thing.

There's nothing to worry about.

Unless I cut the wrong cord

and then a bomb goes off... kaboom!

Ah...

- I'm kidding.
- Oh.

All right, how was last night?

Did you meditate?

Tanya?

Hello, Dr. Hughes.

I'm here to shave you.

Oh...

Wow, you look great.

Haven't seen you since...

- You fired me?
- Really?

I-I thought we bumped into each
other at the mall that one time

- and smoothed things over.
- No.

We made eye contact,

then you snuck into a Forever 21

and pretended to buy a blouse.

I only remember the good times.

Like when you said I was careless

and did sloppy work.

What? No.

Looks like I forgot the shaving cream.

We're gonna have to do this dry.

H-Heather!

Tim, you're going to feel a tiny prick,

followed by a good old fashioned
donkey kick to the nuts.

I'm going to make an
incision in your scrotum.

Whew!

♪ Think I'm going down ♪

♪ To the well tonight ♪

♪ I'm gonna drink till I get my fill ♪

♪ I hope when I get older ♪

♪ I don't sit around
thinking about it ♪

♪ But I probably will ♪

♪ Just sittin' back ♪

♪ Tryin' to recapture ♪

- ♪ A little of the glory of ♪
- ♪ Glory of ♪

♪ Time slips by ♪

♪ And leaves you with
nothing, mister, but ♪

♪ Boring stories of ♪

♪ Glory days ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

♪ Well... ♪

So sorry.

♪ Glory days ♪

♪ Glory days... ♪

♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh ♪

- ♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh ♪
- ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

- ♪ Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪
- Wait.

- Tim?
- ♪ Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. ♪

Is it over?

- I did it, babe!
- Oh...

I've been spayed and/or neutered.

Bob Barker would be proud.

Yeah.

Well...

I'm proud of you.

- Aw.
- All right, come on.

Let's get you home.

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh. Wow.

That's, um...

that's stuck to you pretty good, there.

- I'll just put my shirt on over it.
- Okay.

Hey.

Looks like a little crime scene back there.

Blood was shed.

Ah!

I'm just so glad I never
have to do this again.

Hmm.

I mean, unless you want to get it reversed.

We could... just pick up
a pamphlet on the way out.

I did not purchase

Lovin' Lamb: the Sexy Inflatable Sheep.

Ask for his supervisor
and then just yell at him.

_

Customer service?

Fraud prevention.

- No... honey, don't open those.
- Hmm?

- We have to send them back.
- Oh.

Uh, representative?

Rep-re-sen-ta-tive.

Ask for his supervisor.

The first one that picks up

is always just practicing English.

Hello, Karishma.

Yeah, I told you.

Yeah, well, somebody has
stolen my credit card numbers

and they're making bizarre purchases

and they're sending them to my house.

Oh, yes.

I'm quite sure I did not purchase

Lovin' Lamb: the Sexy Inflatable Sheep.

Ask for his supervisor
and then just yell at him.

Oh, no, don't transfer me,

because I always get disconnect...

Customer service?

No, no...

Fraud prevention?

Human?

Ask for a supervisor.

Hu... man?

Don't transfer me!

Don't put me on hold!

Oh, no, please don't...

I need a milk shake.

Yeah. Get in the truck.

They said the wait time

would be five minutes... it's been 15!

You should have asked for a supervisor.

Hello. Fraud prevention.

With whom do I have the pleasure

- of speaking today?
- Joan Short!

Hello?

Hi! I'm here!

- Is there anyone on the line?
- I'm here!

Welcome to Big Joey's!

I'm here!

Congratulations.

Can I take your order?

She wants to talk

to the supervisor.

I am the supervisor,

until Gary gets out of the bathroom.

- Is there anyone there?
- Yes!

- I'm here!
- I'm here!

I'm ready for your order!

Ah, we-we'd like a couple of Big Joeys,

fries and a vanilla milk shake.

Can you hear me?

This is a bad connection.

Can you try calling back on a landline?

No. No, no, no...

$13.85, next window.

I want my milk shake.

And you're gonna get it.

I-I got a couple of years
of console change here,

and they gotta take it.

I know my rights.

- Here. There you go.
- Oh, boy.

- Oh, boy, that's oxidized.
- Oh.

Oh. Sorry.

There... that's your tip, down there.

- Oh, jackpot. Great.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, would you guys mind pulling forward?

It's gonna take a few minutes

to count all this change.

So, some bad news:

we just ran out of milk shakes.

That baseball team just cleaned us out.

But, um, here is a diet soda

and a free bottle of Big Joey cologne.

It's called Eau de Joe.

It keeps the bees away.

Have a Big Joey day.

Joanie...

Hey!

Joanie...

Ma'am, if you get out of the car,

I'm gonna have to blow my whistle.

Today is not the day for you
to run out of milk shakes,

because today I've had my identity stolen.

I spent 23 minutes listening

to a Muzak version of Jimi Hendrix, and

I was sent an inflatable sex sheep.

Ma'am, if you come any closer,
I'm gonna have to blow my whistle.

Now you come out here, and you tell me

there are no more milk shakes?

I'm afraid that won't do.

Joanie? Joanie, I got your milk shake.

Hey, you kids know the deal, huh?

One mystery package for each milk shake.

No take backs, no tradesies.

You really know how to make a woman happy.

Fraud prevention.

Supervisor.

Ah.

You don't care about this
Ping-Pong rivalry, do you?

No. I'm an adult.

I know how to let things go.

_

I love Paris.

Sometimes I think people travel

just so they can talk about it later.

That was a great trip.
Remember at that restaurant?

You told the waiter you
had to take a crêpe.

You got to tell that one at my funeral.

Absolutely.

Ooh, someone's wedding.

Jen, you look so pretty.

I love that dress.

Thanks, yeah, it's Vera Wong.

You mean Wang.

No.

Greg, your smile looks a little weird here.

Mmm, no.

No? Did I... did I...
did I say something wrong?

Uh, you know, I'm actually not
allowed to answer that question.

Oh, but I'd love to hear the
answer to that question, Matt.

I'd love to hear the answer
to that particular question.

Not much to tell.

This ding-dong and that ding-dong

were being dum-dums.

You don't know this story?

Oh, it's awesome.

Oh, yeah, if attempted murder's awesome.

Oh, my... for the last time, it slipped.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- It slipped.

It's the night before the wedding,

Greg and Matt are playing Ping-Pong,

game gets a little competitive...

Greg gets hit in the face with a paddle

and he loses a tooth.

Or as he had to say on our honeymoon,

a "toof."

Did you just throw it at him?

- No.
- Yes.

What? No.

Oh, you knew that you were about to lose.

"About to lose"?

It was 19 to 20.

You have to win by two.

You know I was about to beat you.

Based on what evidence?

The fact that you've never beaten me

at anything in your life ever?

- That's not true.
- That's true.

- No. No, that's not true.
- Greg.

Will you two stop?

I mean, my wedding photographs were ruined

because of this stupid sibling rivalry.

I mean, literally, he smiled
at me during the ceremony,

I felt like I was marrying a first grader.

Come on, guys, it's just a game.

Says the man who takes only
the winner out to ice cream.

The world is a hard place.

So did you guys ever finish the game?

Oh, no, n-n-n-n-no.

They have not played since.

You know, I think it might
be time to let this go.

- Thank you.
- Oh, come on, Mom.

Yes, you're brothers.

Tell each other you love each other.

I love you.

Oh, honey.

Look him in the eye.

Come on.

I love you.

Yeah, see?

Wasn't that hard.

Loser.

- Ooh, snack!
- N-N-No.

I-It... it's "snap."

Really?

I've always said "snack"

You don't care about this
Ping-Pong rivalry, do you?

What?

No, I'm an adult.

I know how to let things go.

Honey, we got to get
the key back from Matt.

My whole life. Hmm?

I have never been better
than Matt at anything

- except losing.
- Honey.

You are successful.

You're a great father.

You have a beautiful,
intelligent, tolerant wife.

You don't need this stupid Ping-Pong game

to prove yourself.

Oh, yes, I do.

I need this.

We need this.

No, I don't need this.

I really need you to need this.

I just feel like my need
for you to "un-need" this

is kind of trumping your need to need it.

Well, I'm glad that we both understand

that we both need this.

So, I see you got a headband.

Oh, of course I have a headband.

What do you use to help you
wear an exfoliating mask?

All righty.

Let's do this.

Somebody's getting ice cream.

Compliments of this guy.

19-20.

- You ready?
- Born ready.

Ah...

20-20, just like my vision.

Unlike some people, I don't need glasses.

- I don't wear glasses.
- Sure about that?

You didn't see that little
ball go zooming right past you.

Stop trying to get in my head.

I'm already there, buddy.

I live there.

No, you live in this garage.

Ooh, snack!

Snap. Shoot!

Aah.

So what's that?

Match point?

21-20?

Huh?

I love you, baby.

This one's for Lark!

Oh!

Yes.

Yeah!

Oh!

- No!
- Yes!

Ow!

- Ooh!
- Oh!

No.

Please tell me that was the fake one.

It will be.

I'm gonna go leave a message
on Dr. Frankel's service.

Is it g... is it going?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Everybody smile.

Well, there's always next year.

Yeah.