Letterkenny (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Ol' College Try - full transcript
Wayne tries on a new relationship. The Skids get deeper into the Dark Web. The Hockey Players meet their new team.
You're?having?a?conversation about?your?pal's?second?cousin.
The?other?day...
Who,?Jarret? No,?Garrets.
He's?a?good?guy.
He?took?me?to?the?movies in?grade?six,
and?he?wouldn't hold?my?hand.
A?young?man's?hands can?get?sweaty
in?that?sort?of?situation.
Then?put?your?arm?around?me, what's?the?problem?
Anywho,?Garrett's?movings?down to?Los?Angeles
to?try?to?be?an?actors.
He's?winning?for the?weather?alone.
Negative. ?lt?shouldn't be?warm?all?the?time.
Four?seasons?helps keep?a?man?regular.
Like?a?bowl?of?brans in?the?mornin'.
Huh.
Garrett's?moving?down?to?LA
to?be?an?actor.
Isn't?that?something you?just?kind?of?are?
It's?not?as?if?a?librarian
can?just?call?themselves
a?librarian?without collecting?a?paycheck.
They?got?to?work.
That's?correct,?Ms. ?Katys.
So?Garrett?is?moving?down to?Los?Angeles
to?try?to?earn?a?livings as?an?actor.
Can?you?do?that? Do?whats?
Well,?earn?a?living as?an?actor.
That's?a?thing? Sure?it?is.
So,?you?can?earn?a?living as?an?actor,?you?say?
Yeah. ?How?do?you?think?Brad?Pitt bought?all?those?paintings
and?became?so?passionates about?architecture?
I?would?smash?that?dude
with?a?category?five?hurricane ??off?the?coast.
Huh,?Garrett's?going to?LA?to?make?a?living as?an?actor?
What?a?time?to?be?alive.
LA?people?should shut?the?fuck?up. They?eat?tacos.
What's?this? What,?you've?never met?one?before?
That's?all?they fuckin'?talk?about.
"Hey,?you?like?tacos? Let's?get?some?tacos.
"You?know?who's?got?great?tacos?
"Well,?these?guys?have the?best?tacos.
"You?like?tacos,?right?
"Tacos,?tacos,?tacos.
"Venice?Beach?tacos."
It's?fuckin'?fish?steak or?carnitas ????wrapped?in?tortitas.
How?good?can?it?fucking?be?
He's?right. There!
LA?people?should ?????shut?the?fuck?up
about?hiking,?too.
What's?this?
What,?you?never?met one?of?them?before?
It's?all?they fuckin'?talk?about.
"Have?you?ever?been?on this?hike?before?
"This?is?the?best?hike I've?ever?been?on?before.
"Hiking,?hiking,?hiking.
"Runyon?Canyon. Hiking,?hiking,?hiking."
Just?an?asshole's?word for?"walkin'."
I?wasn't?born?yesterday.
It's?all?tacos?and?hikes, hikes?and?tacos.
Why?don't?you?ever?hike
while?you?have?a?taco, you?fuckin'?asshole?
But?how?are?youse?to?know
that?hikings?and?tacos aren't?better?in?LA?
They?are.
Aren't?they?
Everything's?better?in?"LA".
Says?who? People?in?LA.
Yeah,?didn't?you never?not?notice
that?people?from?up?here go?down?to?LA,
and?then?they?come?back up?here?calling?it,?"LA"?
Is?that?what?they?do?
LA.
Thank?you. ?LA.
And?everything's?better?in?"LA"?
What,?you?never?met ?????one?of?them?before?
That's?all?they?talk?about.
What,?you've never?even?been?to?LA?
You?have?to?come?to?LA, you'll?love?LA.
LA,?LA.?Toyota?Hybrid fucking?cars. ?LA.
Oh,?yeah,?you?think you?know?tacos,?eh?
I'll?tell?you, ??????you're?some?kind?of fucking?asshole
if?you?think?you?know?tacos, you?never?had?a?taco?in?"LA".
Think?you?know?hiking?
You've?never?seen?a?hike?until you've?had?a?hike?in?"LA".
Ugh, I?hate?the?weather?up?here
it's?so?much?warmer?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah, ?didn't?you?not?know it?gets?just?as?cold?in?"LA"?
It's?just?different kind?of?cold?in?"LA".
It's?a?desert,?you?know?
Pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
That's?exactly?what?I?says,
"Pull?your?finger ?????out?of?your?ass."
Now,?hold?your?horses?here.
Who's?do?youse?knows that's?ever?beens?to?LA?
What's?this?about?LA?
Whose?crib?is?it?anyways?
I?dealt,?my?crib.
I?loves?cribbage.
Run?of?three, that's?it?for?me.
Run?of?four, I'm?out?the?door.
Uh,?fifteen-two,
double?on?the?eight?for?ten,
and?jack?of?suits for?elevens,
which?is?a?pretty?hard?numbers to?rhymes?with.
Ooh!
What's?we?gettin' ????all?dressed?up?for, Mr. ?Saturday?Nights?
Are?you?sure?you're not?tryin'?too?hard,
with?that?button?done?up?there?
Now,?youse?know ??????Tanis?and?I?are?givin'?it
the?ol'?college?try.
You?know,?I?get ending?things?with?Rosie
because?you?have?feelings for?another?woman...
She?reads?too?much. She?up?to?somethin'.
and?I?back?that. Thank?you,?Katy.
But...
don't?you?think Tanis?is?a?little...
rough?around?the?edges?
How?do?you?mean?
Isn't?her,?uh,?soil?a?bit?rocky?
Isn't?her?grain?a?little?bit rough?for?the?lays?
Well...
only?one?way?to?find?out, super?chieftains.
So?many?off-season reps,?buddy.
So?many?preseason reps,?buddy.
Say?no?to?the?juice.
Ain't?fucking?baseball,?buddy.
We?dug?deep. Buried?down.
Time?to?show?the?boys some?gains.
Coach's?gonna?flip when?he?sees?these?gains.
Gain?Gretzky. Gain?"The?Rock"?Johnson.
Shania?Gain. Gains,?Trains and?Automobiles.
Let's?show?these?boys?that legends?walk?amongst?them.
Hashtag,?legend-life.
You?guys?wanna?go?back?out and?try?that?again?
Maybe?it's?the?lighting?in?here, but?I'm?not?seeing?any?gains.
But...
Doesn't?matter. Team?folded.
Why?
There's?not?enough?bodies. Why?
'Cause?it's?Senior?A whales-shit?hockey!
The?way?I?see?it, you?got?three?options.
You?can?go?to?the?next?town and?play?for?them.
Travel?for whale?shit?
Gains?for?whale?shit was?even?a?stretch.
You?didn't?get?gains.
Traveling?for?whale?shit, that's?a?stretch?too?far.
Hang?'em?up.
Well,?there's?good?rubber
left?in?these?wheels, ???????though,?boys.
Let's?do?power?skating,?bro. Oh,?good?call,?bro.
Join?a?championship?team right?here?in?Letterkenny...
Hmm.
as?coaches...
with?me.
Oh.
Team's?already?won back-to-back?ships.
We've?actually?never won?a?ship,?buddy.
On?track?to?win back-to-back-to-back?boats.
Love?to?win a?boat,?buddy. Yeah,?buddy.
Then?come?on,
let's?win?a?fuckin'?sea?liner.
Let's?win a?Great?Lakes?freighter.
Let's?win?a?cable?ferry.
Let's?win?a?cabin?cruiser.
Let's?win?a?Boston?whaler.
Let's?win a?recreational?trawler.
Let's?win?a?paddle?steamer!
Let's?win?a?pleasure?barge.
Let's?win?an?outrigger.
Let's?win?a?freshwater?vessel!
Let's?win?a?naval?drifter.
Let's?win?a?water?Rambo!
Let's?win?a?landing?craft!
Let's?win?a?saltwater?lugger!
Let's?win?a?sea?tugger!
Let's?win a?luxury-fuckin'- yacht!
Let's?go!
Yeah!
Wait!
You're?gonna?need an?ice-breaker.
Tanis,?how?are?you?now?
What?
What... What?
The?actual?fuck?was?that?
What? Well,?you're?standing,
breathing,?and?smoking, so?the?other?thing,
The?spitting?
Some?barefaced, uncultivated?version of?it,?yes.
What,?you?never?seen someone?spit?before?
Yes,?an?inexcusably?obese?man in?the?batter's?box
at?a?Blue?Jays?game.
But?you?never?seen a?girl?spit?before.
Yes,?a?six-year-old,?after
consuming?an?insect ?in?her?ice-cream?cone.
But?you?don't?think girls?should?spit.
I?don't?say?what?girls should?do.
But?you?don't?like?it when?girls?spit.
Preferably?not?within my?line?of?sight,?earshot,
and?in?a?perfect?world,?ever.
You?hungry? Am?I?hungry?
Yeah,?that's?what?I?said.
I'm?immediately?concerned
that?sensation?may?never ?reestablish?itself,
but?what?a?ride?it's?been.
Oh,?don't?be?so?dramatic.
What?is?this,?the?1950s?
You?want?me?to?go?borrow
an?ankle-length?skirt from?my?auntie?
Come?on. I?cooked?for?you.
Let's?go.
Come?on.
He?was?supposed?to?be?here over?an?hour?ago. ?Try?him?again.
Stewart,?I?just?tried?him.
And? Straight?to?voicemail.
Aggravating. Stewart!
Agitating. Stewart!
Alarming. Stewart.
Roald.
I?think...
I?may?have?a?problem.
No. ?No!
I'm?in?over?my?head! We?all?want?it.
I?have?no?control! We?all?need?it!
Then?where?is?it?
Right?here.
Get?it?out! Give?it?to?me.
I've?got?it! lt's?all?right?here.
But?you?guys?got?meth,?right?
Yes. ?Yes,?yes,?yes.
The?drugs?are all?over?there.
Just?bring?me?that?computer and?get?us?to?the?Dark?Web.
First?the?meth, then?the?Dark?Web.
Roald. You?want?some,?too?
I'm?good.
Bring?me?the?Dark?Web over?to?my?stand-up?desk.
Why?do?you?have a?stand-up?desk?
Because?sitting?is quietly?murdering?you.
Actually,?yes,?Roald,?I... I?will?have?some?meth.
And?here?we?are.
The?Dark?Web.
Why?do?you?guys?crave the?Dark?Web?so?much?
Because?the?Dark?Web is?exclusive.
The?Dark?Web is?only?accessible
using?special?software,
users?remain?untraceable
and?anonymous on?the?Dark?Web.
You?can?hire?a?hitman on?the?Dark?Web.
Purchase?illegal?contraband on?the?Dark?Web.
Sell?illegal?contraband on?the?Dark?Web.
Or?you?could?join a?rebel?army.
Or?you?could?build?a?bomb
for?your?own?rebel?army ???????on?the?Dark?Web.
The?thrill?of?having
all?of?that?at?your?fingertips ?is?so... metal!
What's?on?the?menu?today,?chef?
I?left?a?tab?open for?you?guys.
Something?I?thought you'd?dig.
It's?funny,?the?way you?last?liked?that ,
like the?Dark?Web?site?was?food.
'Cause...
"How?to?cook?human?meat!"
Oh,?fuck!
These?Hard?Right?mutts?again.
I?don't?like?these?mutts.
We?could?ignore ????????the?call. Oh,?Stewart!
Let's?ignore?the?call.
But?how?are?we?gonna ?find?cool?new?things
to?do?on?the?Dark?Web,
unless?we?make ???????cool?new?pals on?the?Dark?Web.
Fine,
anything?to?keep the?Dark?Web?sustainable.
But?we?should?sit?for?this.
What?are?you?doing?
What?
Well,?you're?sitting,?breathing, and?taking?your?boots?off,
so,?the?other?thing.
To?borrow?a?phrase?from my?stance?on?social?media,
I?don't?follow.
Crossing?your?legs.
Yeah,?for?a?hot?second, to?take?my?boots?off.
Boots?or?no?boots, ?don't?you?think?it's a?little?fruity?loops
for?a?man?to?be sitting?like?that?
On?the?contrary,
I'm?sitting?like?this?because
the?less?bending?over ?a?man?does,?the?better.
Hmm.
Sounds?homophobic?to?me.
Sounds?chiropractic?to?me.
Hmm. ?Just?checking.
I?swing?both?ways,?you?know?
So,?if?you?ever?wanted to?invite?a?girl?over...
or?a?guy...
Are?we?gonna?have a?problem?here,?Tanis?
Let's?just?stop?talking, food's?ready. ?Come,?eat.
What's?on?the?Dark?Web?menu today,?gentlemen?
Funny?you put?it?like?that?'cause...
We?were?about?to?enjoy some?Dark?Web?literature
about?how?to?cook human?meat?until...
our?friend?called.
Hmm. ?13%?of?human?beings are?can?
13%?sounds?right.
Wrong!?That's?what they?want?you?to?think.
The?truth,?100% of?human?beings?.
The... ?The?ones on?Earth,?anyway.
How?do?you know?that?
How?do?I?know?that?
Ha!?Well, let's?rewind?the?clock.
1840,?lreland,
the?potato?famine?forces
thousands?of?those?godless, heathen?bogtrotters
to?migrate?to?North?America.
No?potatoes,?you?say!
Well,?then?what?did ?those?paddy-t ?
Fast-forward,?1955, Des?Plaines,?lllinois,
McDonald's?restaurants opened?their?first?location.
Not?a?single?cow?was photographed?that?day,
and?yet?they're serving?burgers??Gotcha.
Now?McDonald's?openly...
Openly?boasts over?999?billion?served.
Fast-forward,?2016,?Donald?Trump ,
inherits?the?highest?percentage s
in?the?world.
The?left-wing,?fake?news, pinko?media
wants?you?to?think?that?he?spent
16?of?his?first?100?days in?office?golfing.
Wrong. ?Wrong!
Donald?J.?Trump?spent?16 of?his?first?100?days,
as?President?of the?United?States,
Commander-in-Chief,
leader?of?the?goddamned free?world,
getting?that?per?capita percentage?of?cannibals
down?from?100?to... ?Everett?
Uh... ?13%?
That's?right. ?Do?the?math.
No,?no,?actually?do... Actually?do?the?math.
Do?the?meth?
We?did?the?meth.
Listen,?uh,?friend.
We've?been?listening?to?you ramble?for?an?hour.
We?only?joined?the?Dark?Web to?see?cool?new?things,
and?join?cool new?movements.
And?make cool?new?pals.
Cool?new?pals,?you?say?
Yes. No.
Stewart.
I?know?how?you?can?make all?the?.
Spare?us?the?hyperbole.
How?
Join?the?Hard?Right!
I?said?that?like?that?was leadin,
but?it's?really?just... Just?joi.
But...
Do?you?like?our?flag? Oh,?you?probably...
couldn't... ?Do?you?like?it?
I... ?I?designed?it.
Mmm.
Eat?up. ?You're?gonna?need fuel?for?later.
What... What?
the?actual?fuck was?that?now?
What?now?
Well,?you're?sitting,?eating, and?breathing,
so,?the?other?thing.
Burping? Yes.
Some?primitive, distressing?version?of?it.
That?was?nothing. Terrific.
You?can?burp,?too. Outstanding.
You?can?fucking?fart, if?you?want.
You?know?why? Because?it's?normal.
But?is?it?fashionable?
It's?becoming...
It's?unbecoming.
Well,?your?boyfriend?Daryl
burps?and?spits.
Dary?also?chases?ducks,
draws?on?the?walls,
and?must?be?told not?to?taste?or?touch
everything?he?sees.
That's?true.
So,?is?it?because?I'm?a?lady?
Who's?a?lady?
So,?what,?you're?saying?that girls?shouldn't?burp,?too?
I?don't?say what?girls?should?do.
Well,?men?shouldn't shackle?women.
We?made?Prohibition?happen, watch?your?step.
Already?walkin'?on?eggshells.
Done?your?food?
That?ship's?clear across?the?pond.
Same. ?Let's?go?make?a?fire
'cause?it's?a?beautiful fucking?day.
Is?that?what?it?is? What?
Hmm?
Okay,?pheasants.
We?got?bact-to-back-to-back.
Coast?Guard?Zodiacs at?our?fingertips.
But?full?disclosure,
this?team's?got?a?bit?of an?attitude?problem,?all?right?
Little?battle?of?leadership going?on?in?here.
All?right??Sure,?they?got?their center?console?skiffs,
but?they?went?through?a?lot of?coaches?in?the?process.
Mundane?details,?boys.
We?want a?twin?engine?jet?boat.
We?want?that?cruise?ship.
That's?the?attitude,?pylons. Now?get?in?there.
All?right.
What?the...
What?are?you?two?doing?
Sorry,?boys... ?Ladies.
We?didn't?know you?were?ladies,?boys.
Um... ?Not?ladyboys. ?We?didn't know?you?were?ladies.
Do?you?think?the?door?is?open to?everyone?here?
Just?because?Mary-Anne looks?like?she's?homeless,
doesn't?mean?you?can treat?it?like?a?shelter.
Fuck?you,?Betty-Anne.
But?she's?right.
Door?isn't?open to?everybody?here.
Just?because?our?mitt?looks like?the?back?of?Christ's?head,
doesn't?mean?you?can?treat it?like?a?church.
Fuck?you,?Mary-Anne.
Your?mitt?looks?like?Babe?Ruth's ball?glove?from?the?dirty?'30s
if?20?more?dudes?spat chewing?tobacco?in?it.
Your?mitt's?actually a?work?of?art,?Betty-Anne.
Like?Salvador?Dali's melting?clocks,
but?instead?of?melting?clocks, it's?melting?salad?bowls
of?off-pink?ice-cream.
Hmm. ?I?love?ice-cream, Mary-Anne.
I?love?all?frozen?treats.
Your?mitt?looks?like?I?squeezed
a?cherry-red?popsicle?with ?a?handful?of?dryer?lint.
Meet?your?new?team,?pheasants.
You?serious?with that?turtleneck?
You?could?lose a?lot?of?heat?in?the?neck,
as?I?like?to?say.
You?mean,?cold?
I?wouldn't?say I'm?hot,?but...
Ugh. ?Most?men?I?know
wouldn't?complain?about something?like?that.
You?see?the?elephant?
You?mean?next?to the?bus?crash?
That's?the?one. Yeah,?I?see?it.
You?wanna?talk?about?it?
Let's?talk?about?it.
A?woman?can?be?what?she?wants.
That?is?so?nice?of?you to?allow?that.
Not?what?I?meant. I'm?kidding.
A?woman?should?be what?she?wants.
Better.
There's?no?definition of?a?woman.
It's?the?same?as?a?man, there's?no?definition...
No?need?to?womansplain, I'm?aware.
But?a?woman?should?be?with a?man?she?finds... desirable.
And?vice?versa.
Like,?long-term, like?in?a?relationship.
Can't?confirm.
I?don't?think you're?it,?cowboy.
Oh,?you?think? I?know.
Good?enough. Good?stuff.
A?short-term...
on?the?other?hand...
How?short?
A?night. A?night?
An?hour?
Maybe?more?than?an?hour.
A?night. A?night.
Maybe?even?a?morning.
Maybe?even?a?morning.
'Cause?we?didn't?do all?the?things?I?wanted?to?do.
Well,?we?talked, we?ate... lt?was?good,?right?
Thank?you?for?supper. My?pleasure.
We?talked,?we?ate,
we?sat?by?the?fire.
So,?then?the?other?thing.
Good?enough. Good?stuff.
Just?kiddin'!
Fifteen-two, the?rest?won't?do.
Fifteen-four, the?rest?don't?score.
Runs?of?threes, that's?its?for?me's.
Youse?been?playin' all?fuckin'?night?
How'd?it?go,?big?brother?
Do?you?all?know?what,
aside?from?the?end?there,
so?fuckin'?poorly.
Called?it. How?poorly?
So?poor.
He?said,?so?fuckin'?poor.
Talkin'?about?ultra?poor.
Called?it. What?did?I?miss?
Taco?night.
But?not?just any?taco?night.
LA?taco?night.
Oh,?there's?no?taco?night like?an?"LA"?taco?night.
Oh,?yeah. You've?never?had?taco?night
unless?you've?had an?"LA"?taco?night.
Oh,?yeah. ?Well, if?it's?taco?night?in?"LA",
then?you?must?have?had?a?hike. Did?youse?have?a?hike?
Oh,?yeah.
You?can't?have?taco?night in?"LA"?without?havin'?a?hike.
Oh,?yeah. We?had?an?LA?hike,
but?it?was?so?cold, it?gets?so?cold?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah. It's?a?deserts,?don't?you?know?
Oh,?yeah. lt?gets?just?as?cold?in?"LA".
It's?just?a?different?kind of?cold?in?"LA".
Pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
That's?what?I?say, I?said?pull?your?finger ?out?of?your?ass,
you're?from?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. You've?got?to?take?La?Cienega to?La?Tijera
if?you're?going?to?LAX?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ????I?will?have?another cold-pressed?juice
'cause?we're?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah. ??I'm?just?poppin'?down to?Trader?Joe's
to?load?up?on?kombuchas?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ?You?can ???stick?your?Hybrid?Toyotas
straight?up?your?ass,
it's?all?about?Teslas now?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ???lt's?like?you?could?never usually?get?a?pizza
that?was?that?good in?"LA"?until?now.
Oh,?yeah. We're?gonna?have?a?winter?brunch
outside?on?Melrose.
'Cause?you?can?do?that?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah. ?I'm?taking improv?classes?at?the?UCBs,
but?only?until?the?groundlings figure?it?out?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ?You?better get?joined?in?a?burlesque?troupe
if?you're?going?to?"LA."
"LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA"? "LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA"...
Pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
That's?what?I?say,
I?said?pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
The?other?day...
Who,?Jarret? No,?Garrets.
He's?a?good?guy.
He?took?me?to?the?movies in?grade?six,
and?he?wouldn't hold?my?hand.
A?young?man's?hands can?get?sweaty
in?that?sort?of?situation.
Then?put?your?arm?around?me, what's?the?problem?
Anywho,?Garrett's?movings?down to?Los?Angeles
to?try?to?be?an?actors.
He's?winning?for the?weather?alone.
Negative. ?lt?shouldn't be?warm?all?the?time.
Four?seasons?helps keep?a?man?regular.
Like?a?bowl?of?brans in?the?mornin'.
Huh.
Garrett's?moving?down?to?LA
to?be?an?actor.
Isn't?that?something you?just?kind?of?are?
It's?not?as?if?a?librarian
can?just?call?themselves
a?librarian?without collecting?a?paycheck.
They?got?to?work.
That's?correct,?Ms. ?Katys.
So?Garrett?is?moving?down to?Los?Angeles
to?try?to?earn?a?livings as?an?actor.
Can?you?do?that? Do?whats?
Well,?earn?a?living as?an?actor.
That's?a?thing? Sure?it?is.
So,?you?can?earn?a?living as?an?actor,?you?say?
Yeah. ?How?do?you?think?Brad?Pitt bought?all?those?paintings
and?became?so?passionates about?architecture?
I?would?smash?that?dude
with?a?category?five?hurricane ??off?the?coast.
Huh,?Garrett's?going to?LA?to?make?a?living as?an?actor?
What?a?time?to?be?alive.
LA?people?should shut?the?fuck?up. They?eat?tacos.
What's?this? What,?you've?never met?one?before?
That's?all?they fuckin'?talk?about.
"Hey,?you?like?tacos? Let's?get?some?tacos.
"You?know?who's?got?great?tacos?
"Well,?these?guys?have the?best?tacos.
"You?like?tacos,?right?
"Tacos,?tacos,?tacos.
"Venice?Beach?tacos."
It's?fuckin'?fish?steak or?carnitas ????wrapped?in?tortitas.
How?good?can?it?fucking?be?
He's?right. There!
LA?people?should ?????shut?the?fuck?up
about?hiking,?too.
What's?this?
What,?you?never?met one?of?them?before?
It's?all?they fuckin'?talk?about.
"Have?you?ever?been?on this?hike?before?
"This?is?the?best?hike I've?ever?been?on?before.
"Hiking,?hiking,?hiking.
"Runyon?Canyon. Hiking,?hiking,?hiking."
Just?an?asshole's?word for?"walkin'."
I?wasn't?born?yesterday.
It's?all?tacos?and?hikes, hikes?and?tacos.
Why?don't?you?ever?hike
while?you?have?a?taco, you?fuckin'?asshole?
But?how?are?youse?to?know
that?hikings?and?tacos aren't?better?in?LA?
They?are.
Aren't?they?
Everything's?better?in?"LA".
Says?who? People?in?LA.
Yeah,?didn't?you never?not?notice
that?people?from?up?here go?down?to?LA,
and?then?they?come?back up?here?calling?it,?"LA"?
Is?that?what?they?do?
LA.
Thank?you. ?LA.
And?everything's?better?in?"LA"?
What,?you?never?met ?????one?of?them?before?
That's?all?they?talk?about.
What,?you've never?even?been?to?LA?
You?have?to?come?to?LA, you'll?love?LA.
LA,?LA.?Toyota?Hybrid fucking?cars. ?LA.
Oh,?yeah,?you?think you?know?tacos,?eh?
I'll?tell?you, ??????you're?some?kind?of fucking?asshole
if?you?think?you?know?tacos, you?never?had?a?taco?in?"LA".
Think?you?know?hiking?
You've?never?seen?a?hike?until you've?had?a?hike?in?"LA".
Ugh, I?hate?the?weather?up?here
it's?so?much?warmer?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah, ?didn't?you?not?know it?gets?just?as?cold?in?"LA"?
It's?just?different kind?of?cold?in?"LA".
It's?a?desert,?you?know?
Pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
That's?exactly?what?I?says,
"Pull?your?finger ?????out?of?your?ass."
Now,?hold?your?horses?here.
Who's?do?youse?knows that's?ever?beens?to?LA?
What's?this?about?LA?
Whose?crib?is?it?anyways?
I?dealt,?my?crib.
I?loves?cribbage.
Run?of?three, that's?it?for?me.
Run?of?four, I'm?out?the?door.
Uh,?fifteen-two,
double?on?the?eight?for?ten,
and?jack?of?suits for?elevens,
which?is?a?pretty?hard?numbers to?rhymes?with.
Ooh!
What's?we?gettin' ????all?dressed?up?for, Mr. ?Saturday?Nights?
Are?you?sure?you're not?tryin'?too?hard,
with?that?button?done?up?there?
Now,?youse?know ??????Tanis?and?I?are?givin'?it
the?ol'?college?try.
You?know,?I?get ending?things?with?Rosie
because?you?have?feelings for?another?woman...
She?reads?too?much. She?up?to?somethin'.
and?I?back?that. Thank?you,?Katy.
But...
don't?you?think Tanis?is?a?little...
rough?around?the?edges?
How?do?you?mean?
Isn't?her,?uh,?soil?a?bit?rocky?
Isn't?her?grain?a?little?bit rough?for?the?lays?
Well...
only?one?way?to?find?out, super?chieftains.
So?many?off-season reps,?buddy.
So?many?preseason reps,?buddy.
Say?no?to?the?juice.
Ain't?fucking?baseball,?buddy.
We?dug?deep. Buried?down.
Time?to?show?the?boys some?gains.
Coach's?gonna?flip when?he?sees?these?gains.
Gain?Gretzky. Gain?"The?Rock"?Johnson.
Shania?Gain. Gains,?Trains and?Automobiles.
Let's?show?these?boys?that legends?walk?amongst?them.
Hashtag,?legend-life.
You?guys?wanna?go?back?out and?try?that?again?
Maybe?it's?the?lighting?in?here, but?I'm?not?seeing?any?gains.
But...
Doesn't?matter. Team?folded.
Why?
There's?not?enough?bodies. Why?
'Cause?it's?Senior?A whales-shit?hockey!
The?way?I?see?it, you?got?three?options.
You?can?go?to?the?next?town and?play?for?them.
Travel?for whale?shit?
Gains?for?whale?shit was?even?a?stretch.
You?didn't?get?gains.
Traveling?for?whale?shit, that's?a?stretch?too?far.
Hang?'em?up.
Well,?there's?good?rubber
left?in?these?wheels, ???????though,?boys.
Let's?do?power?skating,?bro. Oh,?good?call,?bro.
Join?a?championship?team right?here?in?Letterkenny...
Hmm.
as?coaches...
with?me.
Oh.
Team's?already?won back-to-back?ships.
We've?actually?never won?a?ship,?buddy.
On?track?to?win back-to-back-to-back?boats.
Love?to?win a?boat,?buddy. Yeah,?buddy.
Then?come?on,
let's?win?a?fuckin'?sea?liner.
Let's?win a?Great?Lakes?freighter.
Let's?win?a?cable?ferry.
Let's?win?a?cabin?cruiser.
Let's?win?a?Boston?whaler.
Let's?win a?recreational?trawler.
Let's?win?a?paddle?steamer!
Let's?win?a?pleasure?barge.
Let's?win?an?outrigger.
Let's?win?a?freshwater?vessel!
Let's?win?a?naval?drifter.
Let's?win?a?water?Rambo!
Let's?win?a?landing?craft!
Let's?win?a?saltwater?lugger!
Let's?win?a?sea?tugger!
Let's?win a?luxury-fuckin'- yacht!
Let's?go!
Yeah!
Wait!
You're?gonna?need an?ice-breaker.
Tanis,?how?are?you?now?
What?
What... What?
The?actual?fuck?was?that?
What? Well,?you're?standing,
breathing,?and?smoking, so?the?other?thing,
The?spitting?
Some?barefaced, uncultivated?version of?it,?yes.
What,?you?never?seen someone?spit?before?
Yes,?an?inexcusably?obese?man in?the?batter's?box
at?a?Blue?Jays?game.
But?you?never?seen a?girl?spit?before.
Yes,?a?six-year-old,?after
consuming?an?insect ?in?her?ice-cream?cone.
But?you?don't?think girls?should?spit.
I?don't?say?what?girls should?do.
But?you?don't?like?it when?girls?spit.
Preferably?not?within my?line?of?sight,?earshot,
and?in?a?perfect?world,?ever.
You?hungry? Am?I?hungry?
Yeah,?that's?what?I?said.
I'm?immediately?concerned
that?sensation?may?never ?reestablish?itself,
but?what?a?ride?it's?been.
Oh,?don't?be?so?dramatic.
What?is?this,?the?1950s?
You?want?me?to?go?borrow
an?ankle-length?skirt from?my?auntie?
Come?on. I?cooked?for?you.
Let's?go.
Come?on.
He?was?supposed?to?be?here over?an?hour?ago. ?Try?him?again.
Stewart,?I?just?tried?him.
And? Straight?to?voicemail.
Aggravating. Stewart!
Agitating. Stewart!
Alarming. Stewart.
Roald.
I?think...
I?may?have?a?problem.
No. ?No!
I'm?in?over?my?head! We?all?want?it.
I?have?no?control! We?all?need?it!
Then?where?is?it?
Right?here.
Get?it?out! Give?it?to?me.
I've?got?it! lt's?all?right?here.
But?you?guys?got?meth,?right?
Yes. ?Yes,?yes,?yes.
The?drugs?are all?over?there.
Just?bring?me?that?computer and?get?us?to?the?Dark?Web.
First?the?meth, then?the?Dark?Web.
Roald. You?want?some,?too?
I'm?good.
Bring?me?the?Dark?Web over?to?my?stand-up?desk.
Why?do?you?have a?stand-up?desk?
Because?sitting?is quietly?murdering?you.
Actually,?yes,?Roald,?I... I?will?have?some?meth.
And?here?we?are.
The?Dark?Web.
Why?do?you?guys?crave the?Dark?Web?so?much?
Because?the?Dark?Web is?exclusive.
The?Dark?Web is?only?accessible
using?special?software,
users?remain?untraceable
and?anonymous on?the?Dark?Web.
You?can?hire?a?hitman on?the?Dark?Web.
Purchase?illegal?contraband on?the?Dark?Web.
Sell?illegal?contraband on?the?Dark?Web.
Or?you?could?join a?rebel?army.
Or?you?could?build?a?bomb
for?your?own?rebel?army ???????on?the?Dark?Web.
The?thrill?of?having
all?of?that?at?your?fingertips ?is?so... metal!
What's?on?the?menu?today,?chef?
I?left?a?tab?open for?you?guys.
Something?I?thought you'd?dig.
It's?funny,?the?way you?last?liked?that ,
like the?Dark?Web?site?was?food.
'Cause...
"How?to?cook?human?meat!"
Oh,?fuck!
These?Hard?Right?mutts?again.
I?don't?like?these?mutts.
We?could?ignore ????????the?call. Oh,?Stewart!
Let's?ignore?the?call.
But?how?are?we?gonna ?find?cool?new?things
to?do?on?the?Dark?Web,
unless?we?make ???????cool?new?pals on?the?Dark?Web.
Fine,
anything?to?keep the?Dark?Web?sustainable.
But?we?should?sit?for?this.
What?are?you?doing?
What?
Well,?you're?sitting,?breathing, and?taking?your?boots?off,
so,?the?other?thing.
To?borrow?a?phrase?from my?stance?on?social?media,
I?don't?follow.
Crossing?your?legs.
Yeah,?for?a?hot?second, to?take?my?boots?off.
Boots?or?no?boots, ?don't?you?think?it's a?little?fruity?loops
for?a?man?to?be sitting?like?that?
On?the?contrary,
I'm?sitting?like?this?because
the?less?bending?over ?a?man?does,?the?better.
Hmm.
Sounds?homophobic?to?me.
Sounds?chiropractic?to?me.
Hmm. ?Just?checking.
I?swing?both?ways,?you?know?
So,?if?you?ever?wanted to?invite?a?girl?over...
or?a?guy...
Are?we?gonna?have a?problem?here,?Tanis?
Let's?just?stop?talking, food's?ready. ?Come,?eat.
What's?on?the?Dark?Web?menu today,?gentlemen?
Funny?you put?it?like?that?'cause...
We?were?about?to?enjoy some?Dark?Web?literature
about?how?to?cook human?meat?until...
our?friend?called.
Hmm. ?13%?of?human?beings are?can?
13%?sounds?right.
Wrong!?That's?what they?want?you?to?think.
The?truth,?100% of?human?beings?.
The... ?The?ones on?Earth,?anyway.
How?do?you know?that?
How?do?I?know?that?
Ha!?Well, let's?rewind?the?clock.
1840,?lreland,
the?potato?famine?forces
thousands?of?those?godless, heathen?bogtrotters
to?migrate?to?North?America.
No?potatoes,?you?say!
Well,?then?what?did ?those?paddy-t ?
Fast-forward,?1955, Des?Plaines,?lllinois,
McDonald's?restaurants opened?their?first?location.
Not?a?single?cow?was photographed?that?day,
and?yet?they're serving?burgers??Gotcha.
Now?McDonald's?openly...
Openly?boasts over?999?billion?served.
Fast-forward,?2016,?Donald?Trump ,
inherits?the?highest?percentage s
in?the?world.
The?left-wing,?fake?news, pinko?media
wants?you?to?think?that?he?spent
16?of?his?first?100?days in?office?golfing.
Wrong. ?Wrong!
Donald?J.?Trump?spent?16 of?his?first?100?days,
as?President?of the?United?States,
Commander-in-Chief,
leader?of?the?goddamned free?world,
getting?that?per?capita percentage?of?cannibals
down?from?100?to... ?Everett?
Uh... ?13%?
That's?right. ?Do?the?math.
No,?no,?actually?do... Actually?do?the?math.
Do?the?meth?
We?did?the?meth.
Listen,?uh,?friend.
We've?been?listening?to?you ramble?for?an?hour.
We?only?joined?the?Dark?Web to?see?cool?new?things,
and?join?cool new?movements.
And?make cool?new?pals.
Cool?new?pals,?you?say?
Yes. No.
Stewart.
I?know?how?you?can?make all?the?.
Spare?us?the?hyperbole.
How?
Join?the?Hard?Right!
I?said?that?like?that?was leadin,
but?it's?really?just... Just?joi.
But...
Do?you?like?our?flag? Oh,?you?probably...
couldn't... ?Do?you?like?it?
I... ?I?designed?it.
Mmm.
Eat?up. ?You're?gonna?need fuel?for?later.
What... What?
the?actual?fuck was?that?now?
What?now?
Well,?you're?sitting,?eating, and?breathing,
so,?the?other?thing.
Burping? Yes.
Some?primitive, distressing?version?of?it.
That?was?nothing. Terrific.
You?can?burp,?too. Outstanding.
You?can?fucking?fart, if?you?want.
You?know?why? Because?it's?normal.
But?is?it?fashionable?
It's?becoming...
It's?unbecoming.
Well,?your?boyfriend?Daryl
burps?and?spits.
Dary?also?chases?ducks,
draws?on?the?walls,
and?must?be?told not?to?taste?or?touch
everything?he?sees.
That's?true.
So,?is?it?because?I'm?a?lady?
Who's?a?lady?
So,?what,?you're?saying?that girls?shouldn't?burp,?too?
I?don't?say what?girls?should?do.
Well,?men?shouldn't shackle?women.
We?made?Prohibition?happen, watch?your?step.
Already?walkin'?on?eggshells.
Done?your?food?
That?ship's?clear across?the?pond.
Same. ?Let's?go?make?a?fire
'cause?it's?a?beautiful fucking?day.
Is?that?what?it?is? What?
Hmm?
Okay,?pheasants.
We?got?bact-to-back-to-back.
Coast?Guard?Zodiacs at?our?fingertips.
But?full?disclosure,
this?team's?got?a?bit?of an?attitude?problem,?all?right?
Little?battle?of?leadership going?on?in?here.
All?right??Sure,?they?got?their center?console?skiffs,
but?they?went?through?a?lot of?coaches?in?the?process.
Mundane?details,?boys.
We?want a?twin?engine?jet?boat.
We?want?that?cruise?ship.
That's?the?attitude,?pylons. Now?get?in?there.
All?right.
What?the...
What?are?you?two?doing?
Sorry,?boys... ?Ladies.
We?didn't?know you?were?ladies,?boys.
Um... ?Not?ladyboys. ?We?didn't know?you?were?ladies.
Do?you?think?the?door?is?open to?everyone?here?
Just?because?Mary-Anne looks?like?she's?homeless,
doesn't?mean?you?can treat?it?like?a?shelter.
Fuck?you,?Betty-Anne.
But?she's?right.
Door?isn't?open to?everybody?here.
Just?because?our?mitt?looks like?the?back?of?Christ's?head,
doesn't?mean?you?can?treat it?like?a?church.
Fuck?you,?Mary-Anne.
Your?mitt?looks?like?Babe?Ruth's ball?glove?from?the?dirty?'30s
if?20?more?dudes?spat chewing?tobacco?in?it.
Your?mitt's?actually a?work?of?art,?Betty-Anne.
Like?Salvador?Dali's melting?clocks,
but?instead?of?melting?clocks, it's?melting?salad?bowls
of?off-pink?ice-cream.
Hmm. ?I?love?ice-cream, Mary-Anne.
I?love?all?frozen?treats.
Your?mitt?looks?like?I?squeezed
a?cherry-red?popsicle?with ?a?handful?of?dryer?lint.
Meet?your?new?team,?pheasants.
You?serious?with that?turtleneck?
You?could?lose a?lot?of?heat?in?the?neck,
as?I?like?to?say.
You?mean,?cold?
I?wouldn't?say I'm?hot,?but...
Ugh. ?Most?men?I?know
wouldn't?complain?about something?like?that.
You?see?the?elephant?
You?mean?next?to the?bus?crash?
That's?the?one. Yeah,?I?see?it.
You?wanna?talk?about?it?
Let's?talk?about?it.
A?woman?can?be?what?she?wants.
That?is?so?nice?of?you to?allow?that.
Not?what?I?meant. I'm?kidding.
A?woman?should?be what?she?wants.
Better.
There's?no?definition of?a?woman.
It's?the?same?as?a?man, there's?no?definition...
No?need?to?womansplain, I'm?aware.
But?a?woman?should?be?with a?man?she?finds... desirable.
And?vice?versa.
Like,?long-term, like?in?a?relationship.
Can't?confirm.
I?don't?think you're?it,?cowboy.
Oh,?you?think? I?know.
Good?enough. Good?stuff.
A?short-term...
on?the?other?hand...
How?short?
A?night. A?night?
An?hour?
Maybe?more?than?an?hour.
A?night. A?night.
Maybe?even?a?morning.
Maybe?even?a?morning.
'Cause?we?didn't?do all?the?things?I?wanted?to?do.
Well,?we?talked, we?ate... lt?was?good,?right?
Thank?you?for?supper. My?pleasure.
We?talked,?we?ate,
we?sat?by?the?fire.
So,?then?the?other?thing.
Good?enough. Good?stuff.
Just?kiddin'!
Fifteen-two, the?rest?won't?do.
Fifteen-four, the?rest?don't?score.
Runs?of?threes, that's?its?for?me's.
Youse?been?playin' all?fuckin'?night?
How'd?it?go,?big?brother?
Do?you?all?know?what,
aside?from?the?end?there,
so?fuckin'?poorly.
Called?it. How?poorly?
So?poor.
He?said,?so?fuckin'?poor.
Talkin'?about?ultra?poor.
Called?it. What?did?I?miss?
Taco?night.
But?not?just any?taco?night.
LA?taco?night.
Oh,?there's?no?taco?night like?an?"LA"?taco?night.
Oh,?yeah. You've?never?had?taco?night
unless?you've?had an?"LA"?taco?night.
Oh,?yeah. ?Well, if?it's?taco?night?in?"LA",
then?you?must?have?had?a?hike. Did?youse?have?a?hike?
Oh,?yeah.
You?can't?have?taco?night in?"LA"?without?havin'?a?hike.
Oh,?yeah. We?had?an?LA?hike,
but?it?was?so?cold, it?gets?so?cold?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah. It's?a?deserts,?don't?you?know?
Oh,?yeah. lt?gets?just?as?cold?in?"LA".
It's?just?a?different?kind of?cold?in?"LA".
Pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
That's?what?I?say, I?said?pull?your?finger ?out?of?your?ass,
you're?from?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. You've?got?to?take?La?Cienega to?La?Tijera
if?you're?going?to?LAX?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ????I?will?have?another cold-pressed?juice
'cause?we're?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah. ??I'm?just?poppin'?down to?Trader?Joe's
to?load?up?on?kombuchas?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ?You?can ???stick?your?Hybrid?Toyotas
straight?up?your?ass,
it's?all?about?Teslas now?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ???lt's?like?you?could?never usually?get?a?pizza
that?was?that?good in?"LA"?until?now.
Oh,?yeah. We're?gonna?have?a?winter?brunch
outside?on?Melrose.
'Cause?you?can?do?that?in?LA.
Oh,?yeah. ?I'm?taking improv?classes?at?the?UCBs,
but?only?until?the?groundlings figure?it?out?in?"LA".
Oh,?yeah. ?You?better get?joined?in?a?burlesque?troupe
if?you're?going?to?"LA."
"LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA"? "LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA"...
Pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
That's?what?I?say,
I?said?pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.