Letterkenny (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Super Hard Easter - full transcript

This is gonna be
a Super Hard Easter.

She's a bit fucken' drafty
in here this morning, eh?

Why don't you guys just get a blanket?
It's really toasty in here.

Oh, it's not that fucken' cold.

No, it's not draftys
enough for a blankets.

Oh look, here comes Dary hopping in.

Bet he'd take a silk shawl
if you've got one for him, Katy.

Oh, wouldn't Dary look
so smart in a cashmere wraps?

Or maybe a pashmina afghans!

Attention one and all!

So you're just gonna
pretend you didn't hear us

talking about you
like that, don't you, eh?

Everything is in place for the
Super Hard Easter Egg Hunt.

Buck futter!

Oh, sure.
It's Dary's turn this year.

Yeah, it's my turn.

Feels like it hasn't been my turn in...

About four years?

Yeah, that's exactly
what it feels like.

'Cause it's been exactly four years.

Good enough.

D'ya wanna know what?
I know we all like a good tradition...

And you don't fuck with tradition,
big brother.

Not even for birthday parties
people don't especially love.

Well, I was just sayin',
I know that we all like a good tradition,

but this is the silliest
tradition that we got goin'.

Like I'd rather kick rocks.

- I'm gonna nip this in the...
- Just wait,

McMurray told me somethin'
I want to tell you guys,

so I'm gonna tell you guys
somethin' McMurray told me.

McMurray said he'd seen
a dude at the airport

in a washroom with his iPad
on top of the urinal,

and he's like workin' on it
when he was rockin' a piss.

- Whats could be so urgents?
- That's what I said!

I said, "what could be so urgent?"

I'm glad we got that sorted out.

Uh, Katy was about to
nip something in the butt.

Yes. I was, Dary, but...

It's "bud", Dary.
But, yes, I was.

As you guys know, it's tradition to have
an Easter egg hunt around the farm.

- But...
- No "buts"!

'Kay.

- But...
- But what?

Did I know that Easter
is a bastardized version

of a pagan holiday based on rebirth
'cause it's set in the spring?

I don't know. Did ya?

Did I know that it's a Christian version
of a Jewish holiday called Passover

that Jesus was actually probably
celebrating while has was getting taken

by the Romans
at the behest of the Pharisees?

Phariseems like you're being a little bit
of a smart aleck over there, Katy.

Then no more "buts"!

She sure right punched
your tickets on that one, bud.

I will not have you ruining
another perfectly good holiday

or tradition with your humbuggery.

Every year, same holiday,
same humbuggery.

- No, Wayne's not a humbug.
- Thank you, Dan.

No, I think you're
more of a curmudgeons.

Oh, is that what I am?

Hmm, he's a poopy-pants.

I will submits
that you have been guilty of

humbuggery,
curmudgeonry,

and, dare I says it,
poop-pantsery,

on more than ones occasion.

- Wayne.
- Katy.

- Do you like Puppers?
- Yeah, I like Puppers.

- Do you like Gus N' Bru?
- Yeah, I like Gus N' Bru.

- Well...
- But...

No "buts"!

We get to drink both all day.

So I say we just get this rig
rolling with the least amount

of humbuggery, curmudgeonry
or poop-pantsery as possible, shall we?

Poop-pantsery.

Yeah, I know.
You could put that on a t-shirt.

A pleasant reminder of the rules
for the traditional Easter Egg Hunt.

Dary, it's that kind of overexplaining
bring on a good case of chapped-assery.

Pitter-patter, Dary.

- As you know...
- Buck futter!

- Wayne!
- Well, if we already know it, Katy!

Each year one of us is tasked with painting
and hiding Easter eggs all around the farm.

Can confirm.

- The rules are as follows.
- 'Kay.

With the help of clues
provided by your host,

who is moi,

you find the eggs!

And if you find an egg you do a shot
of Gus N' Bru and you chug a Puppers.

But no drinking until you find an egg.

Dan, hey Dan. What a tradition.
What a tradition, eh?

Wayne!

But remember,

the hunting grounds are booby-trapped.

And if you find a booby-trap,
you're out.

But if I stumbles upon a boobys-trap,
I can have as many drinks as I wants, right?

Well, I'm not a monster, Dan.
I'm not gonna tell you not to drink.

But if I finds an eggs, I only gets to have
one Puppers and one shots of Gus N' Brus.

So, what's my incentive
to finds an eggs?

I feel much more motivateds
to finds a boobys-traps,

'cause I wants to be doing
as many shots as I can, don'ts I?

You definitely do.

Not sures if that was
a compliments or not, Miss Katys,

but I'm gonna takes it as one.

So, if I finds an eggs,
I gets to have one drink.

And I can have as many drinks
as I want if I finds a boobys-traps.

- So...
- Yeah, I know.

You should be just looking
for a fucken' booby-trap.

Well no, then you won't see
how beautiful the eggs are.

You don't fuck with tradition.

Hooray!

Let the wild hunt begin!

Well, it's not technically
the wild hunt, it's like...

- Wayne!
- Fine.

- But...
- No "buts"!

Hi, boys.
I didn't see you there.

W- w- what're you doing here, buddy?

Are you working out?

Am I what?

You're in a gym, buddy.

Oh. Am I?

I ha... I hadn't even noticed.

Are you okay? You...
You look kind of bummed.

You bummed, Glen?

Is it that obvious?

Well, I mean, between the tears...

And the Kleenex...

And the pouty lip...

Yeah, I guess it's pretty obvious
that you're kind of...

Sad?

Oh, boys, I am sad.

Oh, my gourd, am I sad.

Well, why?
What's the problem?

Well, it's Easter weekend,
and I want to put on a Passion play.

Huh, we love theater, boys.

Smashed drama in high school, bud.

- Class participation...
- Ferda!

How 'bout, let's try this though.

I'll just explain it,
and then you don't talk for a while,

and we'll go faster, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

So, a Passion play
celebrates the life of the Christ

by depicting his suffering,
trial and death.

Sounds not that fun.

Yeah, it sounds like
it's not fun at all, really.

Oh, it's not.

But Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior,
is the role I was born to play.

But I can't do it alone.

I need people to...

yell at me and whip me
and tell me I'm terrible.

And I have no congregation to participate!

Well, I mean, do you want
us to help you, buddy?

We could help you, buddy.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

How would you boys like to be
my burly Roman centurions?

- Like in 300?
- No, that's Sparta.

Just like 300!

Wow, if that's
the only point of comparison,

I guess, it leaves 300...

This is Sparta!

- We are so in, buddy!
- So in, buddy!

But, if we're gonna be in 300...

No, no.
No, no, no, no.

You're gonna be in a Passion play
with your friend Glen!

We should do some
quick ab work to tighten up.

No! No time for that!

- Good call, buddy.
- Only call, buddy.

Ferda!

No, boys, there's no time for that.

I need you to help me find someone

who's gonna yell at me
and judge me and find me wanting.

So you need somebody to yell at you
and make you feel bad about yourself?

Yes.

You thinking about the guy
I'm thinking about?

I'm thinking about the guy
you're thinking about.

Ooh.
I like mystery man.

But first, abs.

Oh, no.

Okay, boys,
this is a real waste of time.

I mean, except that...

I can see the work on your bodies.
It's very...

I mean, it's not a waste of time
in that sense. It's working.

You look great.
You're both...

We're not doing this
for very long though!

I won't just...
This won't become a full workout!

I won't let it.
I don't wanna see anym...

Ooh, I like the twisty part.

Yeah!

Something is off.

Amiss.

Awry.

You got drips? Got really bad drips?
I've got bad drips?

Where are Connor and Darien?

With their families.

Families?

For Easter.

Easter?

Yes.

They're with their families for Easter.

I heard you, Roald!

- When will they be returning?
- I don't know.

But today is Zombie Jesus Day.

- I know that.
- Do you?

- Do you now?
- I do!

And how do I like to celebrate
Zombie Jesus Day, Roald?

A celebration
of all things zombie and Jesus.

First we watch
The Last Temptation of Christ,

then 28 Days Later
followed by 28 Weeks Later,

which segues nicely into playing
The Last of Us till the meth runs out.

Exactly.

So, what do we do now?

Watch The Last Temptation of Christ.

Without Connor's crucial commentary
into Kazantzakis' oeuvre?

I remind you that
this is no Zorba the Greek!

We could still watch
the 28 Days movie.

Oh, can we?

Without Darien?

He's so obsessed with Danny Boyle.

He even likes Sunshine.

- Ghaa!
- That was just being mean.

We could play The Last of Us.

Just the two of us?

What a way to celebrate a game

famed for its sophistication
and complexity

by practically playing it alone!

And you don't count, Roald.

Thanks for nothing.

- I'll figure something out.
- I'm in a funk!

This is some pretty good work.

Yeah, it looks to scale.

I thinks it is to scales.

Pretty important quality
in a quality map.

Well, it's about the only
quality you need in a map.

Okay, let's read the first clue.

"I'm the way to your heart
and I'm made of art."

That's some fucken' serial killer
handwriting right there, isn't it?

Oh, that is the handwriting
of an unhappy mind.

You know, I only writes in block
letters for readability's sakes.

What do you mean, like all caps?

That's exactly what I means.

That's a little bit serial-killery too,
don't you think?

I think it's easiers to read.

Well, I write in cursive.

But not too cursivey,
'cause then it's really hard to read.

I agree, Miss Katys.

If the cursives is too strongs,
it just starts to look like scribbles.

I can hear my Grade 3
teacher saying that now.

- Who? Mrs. Roscoe?
- Yeah.

She gave me my first and only A++.

Oh, look at you.

But d'ya wanna know what?

I'm told they don't even teach
cursive in school anymore.

Really?

You think I'd fuck around
about something like that?

That's a shame.

You know, good handwriting is
the hallmarks of a good characters.

But, I thought you said
you write in block letters.

Just because I don'ts writes in cursives
doesn't mean I can'ts writes in cursives.

You know, Dan?

You've gone ahead
and called it a shame.

I'm gonna go ahead
and call it a goddammed shame.

Kids need to learn how to do
things the old-fashioned way.

Pull themselves up by the bootstraps.

Show some gumption.

Yeah, show some panache.

You know they used to say
that about me all the time?

They used to say
"kid's got panache".

Did they say that?

Well, they used to say that
about me all the time.

Okay, let's...
let's read that first clue again.

Katy...

"I'm the way to your heart
and I'm made of art."

Fuck's sake, Dary, your stupid clue!

It is pretty fucking stupid.

Dary, are all your clues
this fucken' stupid?

Well, they might be.

Hey, you're hammered, eh?

Hey, Dary, how hammered are ya?

Very to a lot.

# But I can drink all the day long #

# because I'm the host #

# and I know where the eggs are. #

Well, take 35 to 45 per cent
off her in there, bud,

'cause that's all the Gus N' Bru we have
and the liquor store is closed,

so we can't go back
to the well till to-morrey.

We gotta find some eggs soon,

'cause I can't be sober
around drunk Dary.

Oh, hunt for the eggsss!

Coach, have we got
a killer idea for you.

Best idea ever.
Ferda!

I doubt it.

We want you to meet the newest member
of the Letterkenny Irish coaching staff.

Ooh. Oh my.
It's sticky in here!

Oh.

- Who are you?
- I'm Glen! Let's coach some boys.

- Is this a joke?
- It is not.

I would like you

to determine whether or not
a humble sinner like myself

would have a place
on your coaching staff.

I want you to judge me,
Pontius Pilate.

Act I. Go!

- Just judging people, boys.
- It's his passion.

And this is a Passion play!

So, you wanna be a hockey coach?

Kind of.

I want you to judge

whether or not I'd be good
at coaching hockey-ball.

You shouldn't coach hockey-ball
'cause you called it 'hockey-ball'!

- Okay.
- All right? You wouldn't know

a face-off specialist
from a stay-at-home D-man.

I wouldn't, but I'd like to.

This is probably the most time
you've spent in a gym locker room.

It isn't,
but let's not get into it.

You probably call
your asshole your penalty box.

That is personal, not true
and a good idea!

Thank you, coach.

Boys, I feel like I have been judged

and found wanting!

We're good to go.

Oh, I- I- I don't think so.

You don't get to float in here,

ruin my shvitz
with your funny little shits

and then just walk out the door.

We're just getting started, boys.

But...

Read it again.

"I'm the way to your heart"

Well, that's something
food-related for sure.

"and I'm made of art."

Fuck's sake!

Settle down.

Ow! Fuck!

Settle down.

Look who found a booby-trap.

Guess who gets to get
hammered now, boys.

Oh, bother.

Don't worry, big brother.
I'll help you look.

Read another clue.

"I'm soft and I'm hard.
I'm right in your yard."

Fucks that's stupid!

Dary, I'm so close to pulling the plug
on this entire fucken' thing.

If it wasn't tradition...

Where's Dan in all this?
Why isn't he helping?

Dan?
Who is this Dan you speak of?

For I'm known only as
The Winner.

And I found the first boobys-trap,

making me Mr. Champion.

Oh, bother.

Are you hammered?

How hammered are you,
Squirrely Dan?

A lot to verys.

Hey!

I ever tell you guys about
the first Easter?

It was a long time ago,
and Jesus invited his friends

to his house for dinner.

And he said,
"hey, whoy don't you guys

"hide these chocolate eggs
before the Romans come?

"And Judas, would you mind
feeding my pet rabbit?

"Amen."

Outstanding.

Now everybody's getting
hammered but me.

D'ya wanna know what? People
should only get hammered together,

so you never have to see
how obnoxious your friends actually are.

Right, Katy?

Sorry, big brother.

Joining the parade.

Find the eggsss.

Dary, there'd better be some fucken'
Gus N' Bru left at the end of all this.

Hello, Roald.

Hi, Glen

and hockey.

- 'Ssup, Roald.
- 'Ssup.

Where is your master, undercreature?

Resting.

Makes sense, it is daytime.

Correct.

Wait, are they vampires?

What are you doing here?

Together.

We, and now you,

are in the midst of a Passion play.

Act II. You're welcome!

- We're acting, buddy.
- We're killing it, buddy.

And it's such a pleasure
working with you.

You're so lovely and talented, bro.

Oh, my God.

So you need some sort of
Judas kiss and you thought of me.

Wrong!

Calm ourselves.

No.

What I need to do is suffer.

So I have come here,

to thee.

I'm not sure I know
what you mean by that, Glenjamin.

Don't thou?

Do I?

Doth thee?

What?

Exeunt.

Does the Resurrection
play a role in this

little ditty of yours?

She could be an encore...

I suppose.

I'm in then.

Do you want us to leave, boys?

'Cause we could just leave, or...

It's better because you're here.

Yeah, much better.

- Cool.
- Cool.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Wait... What?

Fucks, it's cold out here!

You should get yourself a blanket!

I am the winner!

Find the eggsss!

McMurray, how are y...

Well, good. And y...

Oh, not so b...

Fuck, but...

McMurray!

I'm trying to ask you if you like puzzles
even though I know you fucken' do,

so get over here
and help me solve one.

Pl...

But I was...

Ple...

I'm trying to say
please and thank you!

Get over here!

Hey! Guess what!

What?

Chicken butt!

- Whip sound!
- Ouch!

- Whip sound!
- Ooh, ouch!

This is Sparta!

No, no it's not.

For Sparta!

Ugh, this is not
how it went in the dream.

But, in the dream I was Mel Gibson.

Uh, ouch, Jonesy!
Ooh.

So, was it worth it,
undercreature?

I'm sorry again that I-
I roused you from your slumber.

The hubris.
The arrogance.

The third synonym
I would like to have though of.

You did not rouse me, Roald.

I rouse myself!

Only me, rousing myself.

Stewart, I- I just
think that you're...

That's a laugh.

You? Thinking?

The hubris!
The arrogance!

That third one!

I just...

You're gonna like
where this is going.

I had better.

Fucks sake, McMurray,
we found all the eggs.

That's a lot of drink tickets.

Time to play catch-up.

Thanks for the help, good buddy.

Well, I do like a good
crotchword puzzle too, Wayne,

if you got any of those.

Not being cryptic, no,
thank you very much.

Just a good old-fashioned
crotchword puzzle

with the appropriate amount
of clues/space available ratio.

I am, however, above word searches.

I'm a simple man.

McMurray...

Mrs. McMurray and I actually
got ourselves into sudoku

action down 'Minican.

Group sudoku action.

Something about
those numbers games.

All the symmetry and
the rationale and the groups...

- McMurray!
- Wait!

It wasn't down 'Minican.
It was down 'Pulco.

McMurray, we finally
found all the eggs,

so she's time to get hammered.

Pitter-patter!

Let's get at 'er!

Well, you're welcome
for finding all the eggs, Wayne.

And you were right to call.

I love clues and I love puzzles.

I love games.
I love everything.

So they tell me.

Hey. So I told you about that feller
I'd seen at the airport

who was hanging a piss out
working on his iPad

on top of the urinal, right?

What could be so urgent?

That is exactly what I said, Wayne!

I said "what in the fuck
could be so urgent?"

Thanks for the help, good buddy.

Anything I can do, Wayne.

When a friend asks for help,
you help 'em.

Especially on Easter.

Well, that appears to be all the eggs.

Time to find the rest of the gang
and tie one right on.

Your terms are acceptable, Wayne.

I am dying!
This is the third act!

What the actual fuck
are we looking at, McMurray?

I don't know, Wayne.

I'd seen something like this
down 'Caicos once but,

there were a lot less dudes.

Do you see?

Do you see
what I have given thee?

I do not.

Extrapolate.

Jesus is dying,
yet he continues to march.

We've skipped many details,

but basically he is ressurected,

- therefore he is...
- Not constrained by mortality.

- By time.
- Stewart!

He is the one who cannot be buried.

What the religious call the "ente".

What the simple call the "undead".

- But what you and I call, Roald...
- Stewart!

A zombie!

We're out of Gus N' Bru, boys.

Nooo!

This is our time, McMurray.

Good enough.

We're out of Puppers too.

- Oh, we got Puppers.
- And Gus N' Bru.

Oh, I guess I'm following
you boys home then.

It's a zombie walk, Stewart.

Just like you wanted.

March.

Zombie march.

Never have I loved thee more.

Let's just catch up
to the others, okay?

Yeah, Stewart.

- Cool.
- That's cool.

Well, she's no Gus N' Bru...

But I do love some Pup...

How 'bout we...

- You go.
- No, no, no, go ahead, Wayne.

This is your kitchen.

Well, I was just gonna say that like...

How beautiful goddammed
these egg are.

Well, fuck, McMurray.

Wait, what?

Well, that's exactly
what I was gonna say.

I was just gonna say how beautiful

and immaculately crafted
those Easter eggs are.

That's exactly what
I was gonna fucken' say.

D'ya wanna know what,
McMurray?

- Man to man?
- Man to man.

- I really wish it wasn't so difficult...
- ...talking to you all the time.

That's exactly
what I was gonna say.

And I know you were.

And I know about you were.

- What?
- What?

What, did you just say
"and I know about you were?"

No.

Well, I'm pretty sure
it's what I just heard you say.

Don't think so.

- Okay, let's start over...
- Start right from the beginning...

Stop talkin'.

I got somethin' I wanna say to ya

at the count of three.

So, at the count of three
I'm gonna say it and you don't talk.

I'm right with ya.

So, once again,

I'll say somethin'
at the count of three...

and then you don't talk...

All right?

I'm just gonna do what you say.

And then I don't talk.

Fucks sake, McMurray.
I'm joining the fucken' zombie walk.

Good stuff, Wayne!

We made some real progress there!

Probably gonna be
best friends soon.