Letterkenny (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - MoDeans 2 - full transcript

You were chorin' with
your pals the other day.

- Don't be a fuckin' degen, Dary.
- What?

Well, every time you snot rocket...

Or farmer spit...

You lick your lips after,
and it's fuckin' gross.

You act like yous got
it all your damn self.

I'm not a fuckin' snot
licker, that's for GD sure.

The last time I checked, nothin'
up there that can't hurt me.

Incorrect, big shooters.

Snots is actually your body's
garbage removal system.

When you breathe in,
your nose hairs collects

all sorts of dusts and debris,
including bacterias and viruses.

That's your body's way of
removing them from you.

That's what snots is.

Dust and debris and viruses and what?

Figure it out.

You're getting rid of that
dust and debris intranasallys

and then you just takes
it right back in orally.

Well, youse can both take it anally,
that's all I give a care about.

You better settle down over there,
or I'm gonna come talk to you.

- Speaking of taking things anallys...
- Moving on.

- I gots a question.
- Nope.

It's of the personal varietys.

There's such a thing
as too much butt talk,

and a fella oughta be
fuckin' aware of it.

Well, youse guys are my friends.
I relys on you for counsel.

I gots a problem and I need my friends.

If a man asks for help, you help him.

Pitter-patter.

Youse guys remembers that gal

- I took to the chip trucks last summer?
- Fuck's sake.

The one who put her finger in your bum?

- Mind your fuckin' beeswax, Dary.
- That's the one, Dary.

It's impolite to kiss and tell, Dan.

Well, I knows it's impolites
to kiss and tells,

- but...
- No butts.

Actually, this involves
a significant butt.

Hers or yours?

I'm gonna take a fuckin' migraine here.

Anyways,

she was askings me about...

Performings the anal sex on her.

Youse guys...

Youse guys ever do that?

You ever...

Takes the dirt road home?

- No.
- No.

Well, Professor Tricia from
my women's studies group,

she says it's quite commons to...

Enter through the back door. Uh...

Mind you she didn't stress
whethers that was naturals...

Well, but, like I've been
told, that where vagina sex

is like a total encasing
of the penis, like...

Like sticking a hot dog inside a pogo,

and then like, anal sex is a
partial encasing of the penis,

so it'd be more like

putting a hot dog in a beer bottle.

- Waynes?
- No.

- Dary?
- The answer's still no.

But I have been told
the same thing as Dary,

that whereas vagina sex provides
stimulation of the entire penis,

like a sausage inside a burrito,

but bum sex provides
stimulation only from like...

Well, like the rim of the butt hole

rather than inside the butt hole also.

So, what you're sayings is,

it's less like going inside
this Long John Silvers here,

and more like going inside
this honey cruller here.

Correct. It's less like going
inside this loaf of bread...

And more like going inside this bagel.

- Waynes?
- No.

- Dary?
- Answer's still no.

But I have been told that it's less like
going inside this wheel of Brie cheese

and more like going inside
this piece of Swiss cheese.

Oh, I love Swiss cheese.

I love honey crullers.

You don't like bagels.

Nope.

Subtitle by peritta

I need to borrow
your truck, big brother.

- What for?
- To take these two back to the city.

- For good?
- Yeah.

Why youse taking them
back to the city, Katy?

Why don't you ask them?

Okay. Shep. Kingsley,

why is Katy's taking you
backs to the citys?

Probably 'cause we're
big fat tubs of lard.

It's 'cause we're too tubby.

Does that answer your question, Dan?

Gotcha.

If I was a supporting character

in a Tom Hanks movie, I'd be Tubba Gump.

Oh, sure, sure.

And if youse were an early
Jake Gyllenhaal film,

you'd be Tubble Boy.

If I was a career resurrecting
Matthew McConaughey vehicle,

- I'd be Dallas Buyers Tub.
- Exactly.

And if you were an Original
NES two-player fighting game,

you'd be Tubble-Dragon.

I knew youse were tubble
when you walked in.

Let's go.

Don't forget to come back for
the opening of MoDean's 2.

Let's get hammered, boys.

Those is acceptable terms, Ms. Katy's.

'Bout time we had some
sort of bar in this town.

Gail called. She says she
needs a hand getting set up.

Yeah. We gotta go past Jivin' Pete's
You-Brew-Too to pick up the kegs.

Youse can do that without me.

Mmm. What's Jivin' to do now?

Besides hangin' out with
degens from up country?

Jivin's not really a goods
guy anymore, is he?

Mmm, no. I wouldn't call
Jivin' a good guy anymore.

Jivin' honked his horn at Katy

when she was crossing the street uptown.

Jivin' shouldn't have done that.

Jivin' laughed at her,
too, when she jumped.

He scared her.

- To be fair...
- To be fair...

To be fair...

Jivin's pals laughed, too.

Jivin's pals shouldn't have done that.

Jivin' and his pals thinks
so much of themselves

they probably suck each other off.

We'll go pick up the kegs from Jivin's.

You want us to tell Jivin'
you're gonna come talk to him?

You know how he feels about talkin's.

He'll hear it from me.

- 10-4, good buddy.
- Over and out.

Hey, girl.

- Hey, boy.
- Superstar DJ.

Hey. Here we go!

- Who are you?
- Gae.

So am I.

I didn't ask what you were, girl.

I didn't tell you what I am, boy.

Who are you?

- I'm Gae.
- So am I.

No, you're not.

That's exactly what
my father said to me.

So you're in the business
of opening wounds, girl?

Stop calling me girl, boy.

- And what shall I call you?
- Gae.

I'm the only gay in this crew!

And I was born this way, Stewart!

I support you, remember?

Let me get this straight.
He's a homosexual?

That's exactly what
my mother said to me.

The exact same way.

You will delete yourself
from this dwelling, girl.

But not before you reveal your motive

behind your vexations streak!

- Fine.
- And after that, huh,

you better bizzounce!

My name is Gae.

That's your name?

Wow.

And I thought Roald's parents
never gave him a chance...

They didn't...

My parents banished me to
Letterkenny from the city

to live with my aunt
because of poor behavior.

- You're an outcast.
- I'm a deportee.

- You're a vagrant.
- I'm in exile.

Arresting.

Everyone here is some form of derelict.

I will hear you out...

Gae.

Dad... Yup. Still a homo...

But you're the one who named
me after the author of

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

- Listen up, you pilons.
- Grab a knee, plugs.

All right.

Now, I know you guys
may not want to hear this,

but getting rid of that puck bunny

is the first step towards
getting a W, boys.

We'll introduce you to a couple

of sporty little spices
down the road, boys.

But I like that sporty little spice.

Pardon?

Sorry. Sorry, man, my bad.

Boomtown!

But I like that sporty little spice!

Okay.

Well, you'd better learn to hate her

because she's the reason we have
zero W's on the season, boys.

- We need that W, boys.
- Gotta have that W, boys.

Gotta want that W, boys.

And the first step to getting it is...

Beating your opponent mentally.

Gotta get inside of his head, boys.

Hockey is 90% mental, 10% skill.

Unless you're a retired NHL
tough guy Basil McRae,

who says hockey is 50%
mental, 50% being mental.

Still not sure that's PC, buddy.

No. Baz makes his own
rules, though, buddy.

- Love Baz, bro.
- Baz for life, yo.

Now, the easiest way to get inside
your opponent's head, boys,

is by chirping from the bench.

Obviously, boys.

Talk is for Schmelts, you little bitch.

Do your talking on the
scoreboard, schmelts.

- Oh. Oh, okay.
- Hmm...

Have any of you guys been doing
any talking on the scoreboards lately?

- Hey? Hmm?
- Nice stats, no stats.

Fine, you little bitch.

We'll try it your way, schmelts.

Good.

Tonight, we will be taking you boys

through chirping from the bench 101.

- We can get this W, boys.
- We will get this W, boys.

You're not gonna get this
W, boys, not by yourselves.

But luckily for you pheasants,

someone in this room has got some jam.

Ready to meet your new
teammate? Come on!

Look at this tour de force.

This piece de resistance.

This masterpiece.

Huh?

Look at that hustle. Look at that jam.

Multitasking, pheasants.

Maxing every single second!

That's how you get the W, boys.

Well, fuck, boys,
I was already down here

ripping ass whilst figured
I'd rip some raps.

What the fuck are you
looking at, tit fucker?

- Give your balls a tug.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Reily. Fight me,
see what happens.

Yeah, what's gonna happen, Shoresy?

Three things, I hit you, you hit
the pavement, ambulance hits 60.

That's the worst chirp I've ever heard

in my entire life, Shoresy.

That's my slow-learning
Mennonite uncle's favorite chirp.

Yeah, it's your mom's
favorite chirp, too, buddy.

Ask her, see what happens.

Yeah? What's gonna happen, Shoresy?

Three things, I hit you, you hit the
pavement, I fuck your mom again.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy. Your mom
just liked my Instagram post

from two years ago in Puerto Vallarta.

Tell her I'll put my swim trunks
on for her anytime she likes.

Fuck you, Shoresy!

Fuck you, Reilly.

Your mom keeps trying to
slip a finger in my bum,

but I keep telling her I only let
Jonsey's mom do that, you fuckin' loser.

My mom would never put
a finger in your bum!

Mum's a fuckin' saint.

Fuck your entire fuckin'
life, you piece of shit.

Gail, how're ya now?

- Good, 'an you?
- Not bad.

To MoDean's 2!

Ah.

It's a hell of a space you got.

Thanks for the help, boys.

You're welcome, Gails.

Wasn't Jivin' Pete supposed
to deliver those himself?

- Yeah.
- What happened with that?

My cousin said she seen him with
some degens from up country.

Anywho, Old Gail's all sorts
of jazzed about MoDean's 2.

So are we, Gails.

I'm so jazzed
I couldn't sleep last night.

I was up flickin' more bean
than a Starbucks barista.

- Good enough, Gail.
- I mean it.

Handled more dime than a homeless man.

- Where do these go?
- Back door...

Where you know you're
always welcome, Wayne.

Okay.

There someone else here?

Yeah. I hired a couple waitresses.

Oh...

Bonnie McMurray.

I thought you said there
was two, uh, waitresses.

- Glen?
- Wayne!

Well,

I guess the kitten's out
of the clutch, again.

Glen's back to waitressing.

Well, you look...

Ordinary.

Did you hear that? That's
some hot praise coming

from Mr. Extraordinary.

Gave him a little makeover.

Figured if you guys get some eye candy,

old Gail is gonna help
herself to a fistful too.

Mmm. Gail got me the Lasik so...

Hi, Bonnie.

- Hi, Wayne.
- How're ya now?

Bonnie, kegs are coming in, so
make sure the lines are clean.

Glen, go throw some ice in the urinals.

I know it's like a little
video game for you guys.

Can confirm.

Bye, Bonnie.

Bye, Wayne.

No, I was going to say it first.

You don't want to go
toe-to-toe with me, darlin'

Anyway, back to Jivin'.

He's turned into a bit
of a tit, hasn't he?

Yeah, his pals too.

Well, if you've got
something to say about Jivin',

you should say it to his face.

Bad gas travels fast in a small town.

You don't want him hearin'
that from somebody else.

- It's dishonorable.
- It's a true story.

Saddle up to the bar when you're done.

I'll show my new Haitian taco.

Well, I don't know
if that's foods or not,

but if it is, I'm lookin' forward to it.

It's only for Wayne.

Well, then I guess it's not foods.

But I'm gonna pencil you
in for a chats, Gail,

'cause Haitian tacos, that sounds
like we got something there.

You guys remember when Jivin
was pissing down the hay mow

and Alexander was climbing up and
he got a bit of pee in his mouth?

Enough talk about Jivin'

And then, you remember the same night

Alexander fell face first
into the cow paddy

and got a bit of poop up nose?

That's pretty much par for
the course with Alexanders.

So, what would you rather have then,

a bit of pee in your mouth or
a bit of poop up your nose?

Well...

Well, fuckin' neither.

Well,

but it's hypothetical, it's a game.
It's called, "Would You Rather."

So, you got to pick one or the
other is what you're saying.

Yes. It's hypothetical.

Kinda feels like you did pot.

Well, how much pee's
are we talking about?

Yeah, and how much poop?

Okay, so if we're talking about,

like an eyedropper, be like, mmm...

Four or five drops of pee,
right in your mouth.

Or, let's call it like,

the end of the pinkie fingernail,

full poop, up your nose.

For the rest of your life.

Oh, so it's for the rest
of your fuckin' life now?

Yeah. Would you rather have

a bit of pee in your mouth,
or a bit of poop up nose?

And you... You can't spits
the pee's out your mouth

or blows the poops out of your nose?

Well, see, Dary would just lick it off
his lips after blowin' it out anyway.

That's correct, Dan.

I think I'd take the poops in my nose.

But then you'd be smelling poop
for the rest of your life.

And poop is potent, pal.

Yeah, but if you had pee's in your mouth

and every time you takes
a bites of food, you...

You're gonna be tasting pee's.

Yeah. And you're gonna have
to swallow a bit of that pee

with every time you take a bite of food.

Do you wanna know what,
I'd take the poop.

Yes, I would take the poop.

Well, there's no chance
of ingesting's the poop?

Well, I'm not a scientist or anything,
that's not really my forte,

but say you had the sniffles, right?

And you honk one back, and
you get a piece of that poop

right in the back of your
throat, that's down the hatch.

Well, see that's changing
the fuckin' rules, Dary.

Before you said you're either
taste the pee or smell the poop.

Now you're saying you're
tasting and smelling poop.

Well, the pee is in your mouth
and the poop is in your nose.

What happens after that
is beyond my control.

Well, he's right there, Wayne.

So?

'Kay, just...

'Kay, you wanna know what...

'Kay, let's all answer
at the exact same time.

And a one and a two and
a one, two, three...

- Poop... Pee.
- What the fuck was that shit?

- That is shameful, Dary.
- That is... Shame on you.

Know what? I'd have a fuckin' spit!

Now before we proceed,

dost thou knoweth where Devon is?

- Who?
- Devon.

- No.
- No.

- Yes.
- Yes?

No!

You appear...

Felonious.

You appear erroneous.

How are we to know that
you are not responsible

for Devon's disappearance?

I don't know, how are you?

Still a little hurt and fragile

from speaking with my father.
But thank you for asking.

That's not what she's saying, Roald.

What are you saying, Stewart?

I'm just saying, as Devon fades,

you materialize.

Simple math.

Child's play.

Cool movie. Though I
prefer Problem Child.

Same.

What's with the clown costume?

Sit.

Stay.

Speak.

What's with the clown costume?

Don't you watch the news?

There are clowns inflicting apprehension

on the general public
via sheer terrorism,

or petty vandalism all
over North America.

So, you've coalesced with
some sort of continental,

inter-colonial clown posse?

I'm a bad seed.

Staying out late, missing
curfew, you know...

I know.

- Kissing boys.
- Hmm. I know.

- What is it you seek, Gae?
- Asylum.

Remember Soul Asylum?

Cool band. Though I prefer Soulfly.

Same.

- Collective Soul?
- Or Soulwax.

- Wondrous.
- soulDecision?

- Asylum granted!
- Domo.

- Arigato.
- I'm here to rebel.

Give me three good reasons
why you feel you must rebel.

I hate the world.

I hate my parents.

I hate myself.

As you were.

My parents banished me
here for poor behavior.

It is my goal to behave
even worse in Letterkenny,

so they have no choice
but to bring me back.

Formidable. Jocular.

Allow us to assist.

To aid.

To be your asset.

- Oui.
- C'est bon.

- Prodigious.
- First rate.

- Boss.
- Incroyable.

Hooray.

But first...

Our wardrobe craves alteration.

What... What does that...

Okay, boys let's keep it simple, ferda.

KISF principle, buddy.
Keep it simple, ferda.

Repetition is the key.

Pick a topic. Beat the
shit out of it, ferda.

Topic is "ugly."

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth and lips.

- Fuck, are you ugly, 2-2.
- You're fuckin' ugly, 2's.

Your ugly requires a sign, 22.

"Caution. Fuckin' ugly."

Your ugly requires a disclaimer, 2-2.

"Parental Advisory. Explicit ugly."

- You're up.
- Hey.

Ugly.

You little bitch. Yorkie.

Look at you, ugly. Scholtzy.

You're ugly.

Pussy.

Fisky.

Wow. Ugly.

Boomtown!

Oh, man...

Ugly.

Keep practicing, boys.

Dig deep. Bare down, boys.

That was a piss-poor start, buddy.

Delicious pun, buddy,
since we're pissing.

That was ugly.

Well, you gotta work through
adversity, find a way to win.

Fore check. Back check.
Pay check, buddy.

Cross check.

- Hip check.
- Stick check?

No, waving your stick's
a free ticket to sit.

Hate sittin' buddy.

The boys'll figure it out in no time.

The boys'll get the mental W,
we'll get the scoreboard W.

- Ferda.
- Ferda.

What are you pissing so close

to the urinals for, you piece of shit?

This is how a real man rocks a piss.

Give your balls a tug, tit fucker.

I'm coming, Shoresy!

I heard the same thing from your
mum last night five to seven times.

And that's not even my
record, you fuckin' loser.

What the fuck, man!

Sorry you had to do this, fellas.

Jivin' Pete was supposed to be
around with the sidewalk plow.

Jivin's full of shits.

Yeah, him and his pals are probably
suckin' each other off right now.

What did I say? Bad gas
travels fast in a small town.

You don't want him hearin'
this from somebody else.

It's dishonorable.

Okay. Would you rather
have a penis for a nose,

or a vagina for a mouth?

Hand me another horn 100% of the time...

...all the time.

Well, can you use them as
functioning sex organs

or are they just sorts of there?

Mmm.

No, they are not functional,

so you can't have an orgasm through 'em

and you can't take a piss through 'em.

So then you're eatin'
from a vagina mouth

or sniffin' through a penis nose?

Correct.

All this vagina eating talk
is getting this old goat

all sorts of fired up, Wayne.

- Fair warning.
- 'Kay.

I think I'd just have to
say the vagina's mouth.

It's just less intrusives.

Well, it's gotta be the vagina mouth.

Who wants a dink hangin' down
bouncing off their lips all fuckin' day?

Mmm. You're just walking me
right into it at this point, cowboy.

'Kay. Let's... 'Kay, you know what?

'Kay. Let's all answer at the same time.

And a one, and a two,
and a one, two, three...

- Vagina mouth
- Penis nose.

Oh, that's fuckin' gross, Dan.

That's fuckin' disgusting, Dan.

Walking around with a mouthful
of roast beef all day.

Youse have never had a dick
bouncing off your lips.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Fuck's sake...

From this moment forward,
we are a collective.

A confab.

- A conclave.
- A clambake.

We are...

FAK-U.

Freaks Acting Krayzee...

United.

Roald. Have you prepared
the final accessory?

FAK-U!

One Gino tonight, but no W, ferda.

One Gino too, ferda,
but no W tonight, boys.

Gotta focus on the
small victories, boys.

Size matters, bro.

All right boys, two seconds left.

Let's show us what you got.

Remember what we taught you, boys.

Talk is for schmelts, you little bitch.

We ain't schmelts. Schmelts.

Okay, boys, we're running out of time

on the scoreboard to do any talking.

Try it our way, boys.

Pick a topic.

Beat the shit out of it. Yorkie?

Topic is "skate"!

Scholtzy.

Fuckin' skate, 2-7.

Pussy.

Fisky.

Skate, you fuckin' pylon.

Boomtown!

Come on, you fuckin' plug, skate!

All right boys, now add
a little English on it.

Add a little hot sauce, boys.

Add a little habanero pepper, ferda.

Add a little ghost pepper, ferda!

Come on, 2-7,

you fuckin' sea salt
sprinkling sally, skate!

Yorkie?

You think you're Chuck Galchenyuk?

Nice microns, you fuckin' hipster dandy.

Skate!

Scholtzy.

Skate! Pussy!

Fisky.

What's wrong with you,
you fuckin' cement boot,

no legs, cupcake cocksman?

Skate!

Boomtown!

I hate you like I hate
puck bunnies, bitch.

Skate!

Oh!

Yeah, fuckin' loved that move
when I was in the third grade.

What else can you do, you ugly fuck?

Can you suck my knob?

You're a knob sucker, 27.

Whoo!

Would you guys rather be surrounded by

three bed bugs every night of your life,

or three mosquitoes
every day of your life?

You're an idiot, Daryl.

Are you allowed to kill the
bed bugs or the skeeters?

No.

So, they're immortal
bed bugs or skeeters?

Would you rather be surrounded

by three bed bugs
every night of your life,

or three mosquitoes
every day of your life?

No ostrich fuckers here, hicks.

I hear you're going around
town saying I'm full of shit.

Jivin' Pete.

Bad gas travels fast in a small town.

Yes, I did say that.

And that my friends and
I are so into ourselves

we probably suck each other off?

Yes, I did say that too.

Would you say it to my face?

I'm embarrassed this got to you
before you heard it from me.

You should be.

I'm not the type of prick
to take the side door.

I'll come right up front and knock.

Good.

- Knock-knock.
- Who's...

You're at Jivin' Pete's.

I think you're full of shit
and you and your pals think

so much of yourselves you
probably suck each other off.

Are you fuckin' serious?

What's anybody gonna do about it?

Say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

Don't honk at girls,
and don't holler at girls.

And don't talk to them when they're
not interested in talking to you.

And don't talk to 'em unless

they're interested in talking to you.

10-4?

Over and out.

Subtitle by peritta