Legends of Tomorrow (2016–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - Lowest Common Demoninator - full transcript
- Wait.
Did everybody make it?
- No. Bishop's dead.
- Well, we have to go back.
We can't leave a man
behind now.
We have to go back.
- Gwyn, he sacrificed himself
for us.
We cannot go back
or more of us could die.
[dramatic music]
- I need a moment.
♪
- Uh, are we in John's mansion?
- Yeah, in the pocket
dimension, I think.
- Does it still open
to the factory?
[flames roaring]
- Aah!
Not unless something terrible
happened to that factory.
- Oh, the portal
must have closed
when the last person
exited the manor.
So right now there's
no doorway back to Earth.
- It's okay.
We can still time-jump.
- No, we can't, not until
we know exactly where and when.
We can't afford
to have another mistake.
- What?
What do you mean?
- Well, we told her
to go home,
and this feels
like home to me.
- Home is 2022, not here.
- It was all really chaotic.
I-I just--
- Hey, Gidget.
A-are you okay?
You look a little--
Oh, she has a fever.
- Oh, man. Okay, well,
if Gideon is unwell,
it's definitely not safe
to jump,
so we are trapped
in the mansion.
- We know.
- More like trapped
three inches from home.
[all groan]
- It's gonna be
all right, guys.
Gideon probably
just needs a rest,
and, luckily, we landed
outside the timeline,
which means Evil Gideon
can't find us,
and now we have a chance
to come up with our game plan.
- That was the whole--
- Tactics.
We need to think tactics.
Give me ten minutes--
I'll have a murder board
drawn up
and we can do some planning.
♪
- It tolls for thee.
- [distantly]
Help me, please!
- Hello?
Is someone there?
- Gwyn!
- Hello?
- Help me! Gwyn!
- Alun?
[doors rattling]
♪
[flames roaring]
[pensive music]
♪
- Wow, babe, this is your most
complicated murder board yet.
- All right, bottom line is...
- Nice.
- Yeah, uh, Evil Gideon's
manufacturing robots
to hunt us down.
- After all we have done
to protect the timeline...
- So what we need--ideas,
good ideas--
how to defeat robots,
how to travel without
being detected by Evil Gideon.
- Hey, Gideon.
Didn't see you
at the murder board meeting.
You okay?
[somber music]
- I thought I was doing
the right thing coming here,
but they're all
so disappointed in me.
It all happened so fast,
I just went with my gut.
What if next time
I get confused
and I just jump us all
into a tornado?
I could kill us all.
- No.
No, you did good.
You brought us to safety.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
[smooches]
[chuckles]
♪
- So what did I miss
at the meeting?
- Oh, you know,
they were talking
about why Evil Gideon wants
to kill all the Legends.
- Oh, I'm sure she thinks
they're an unpredictable
and destructive force
that needs to be eradicated.
♪
Just a guess.
- Looks like someone
restocked the kitchen.
Have an apple.
- Oh.
♪
[crunching]
♪
- Is it getting hot in here,
or is it just me?
- Well, if you're referring
to the increasing temperature
in the house,
you're correct.
- Oh.
- If you're insinuating
we should go upstairs
and fool around,
also correct.
♪
- Oh.
[both giggling]
- Guys, I'm thinking
about maybe asking Astra out.
- [gasps] Oh.
- Our baby boy's
all growns up.
- I just feel, like, clarity,
you know?
Like, I haven't smoked weed
or done edibles
since we got time-stranded,
and I feel so present.
And now I just can't stop
thinking about her.
- That's great--
just be yourself
and, you know,
don't make it weird.
- Be myself.
Don't make it weird.
- You're Behrad--
you're the cool, chill guy
everyone wants
to hang out with.
- Be cool and chill.
That's why people like me.
- Exactly.
- All right.
Thanks, guys.
- We crushed that.
- Whoo.
- I love helping little bro.
- Oh, 'cause
you're time bros?
- No, 'cause I'm getting
so serious with my Zari.
He's like a future
little brother-in-law.
- I guess that makes us in-laws
in some weird way.
- Yeah, but you're,
like, my best bud,
so, like, a time bro-ette.
- Thank you,
but I hate that.
♪
- Is it hot in here?
It feels like
a million degrees.
- Yeah, something is not right.
[flames roaring]
- Gwyn!
[creatures snarling]
- Are we in hell?
- Uh...
- Oh, Lord and all you saints
and martyrs, aid me now.
- Okay, calm--calm--
calm down, Gwyn.
I mean, what's the worst
that can happen?
- The worst that can happen--
we are in the very bowels
of hell, Esperanza.
The horrors that await us
are beyond the limits
of our imaginations.
- Well, yeah, out there,
but, I mean, we--
we would have
seen something come in, right?
[electricity thuds, crackles]
[sinister music]
- [sighs] You might want
to keep praying, Gwyn.
- You left
the door to hell open?
- What were you thinking?
- Yes, I'm sorry.
You see,
I thought I heard voices,
and so I opened the door.
I'm a grand fool, I know.
- There's no telling
what nightmare got in.
[electricity thuds]
- Oh, where I come from,
the only thing worse than pests
are pests
that make themselves at home.
- Yeah. Okay, let's split up
and sweep the house.
We can't fight Evil Gideon
if we're all possessed.
Or can we?
No. No, bad idea.
Sweep the house.
Tell everyone.
Go ahead.
- Right.
[eerie music]
♪
- Hey, you ever feel like
someone's watching you?
- Well, as a child celebrity,
I feel weird
when I'm not being watched.
But, yeah,
I do know what you mean.
♪
Oh!
- Oh.
- Ew!
Oh, my--Ugh!
- Ugh.
- Disgusting.
Who knows what kind of magic
goo John is hoarding in here?
Ugh!
- Disgusting.
[clears throat]
There's, um--
there's--there's--
there's got to be something
to wear around here.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, somewhere in here.
Yeah.
- I don't like this.
You know, we didn't plan
for a hell detour.
- [sighs] Yeah, I know.
We got robots and
Evil Gideon and now ghosts?
I am at capacity.
- Mm.
[distant thudding]
[unsettling music]
Something's
definitely up there.
♪
[thudding continues]
- Did you hear that?
- Hear what?
Boo!
- Aah!
[growls]
Behrad!
Don't sneak up on people
in hell!
You idiot.
- Sorry.
[tender music]
[dramatic music]
♪
[thudding continues]
♪
- Whew.
- [exhales deeply]
- You look like John.
- You look like my Zari.
[tender music]
♪
What's happening?
[suspenseful music]
- [gasps] I think
we're being manipulated.
- No.
- Yes.
- [gasps]
♪
- Aah!
- [gasps]
- Aah!
- Why are you attacking us?
- Wha--
"Us"?
- Greetings.
- Oh, my--
- Oh, my--Damn.
- Why? Why? Why? Why?
- Oh! Whoa, whoa!
- You idiot!
[all shouting at once]
- Hi, everyone.
This is, uh, mortifying.
- This had better
be consensual, Gary,
or I'm gonna rip off your--
- It was entirely consensual.
In fact, I was the one
to instigate our first tryst.
- [chuckles]
- All right.
Well, how long
has this been going on?
- Uh, well, including
the foreplay, approximately--
[all groan]
- No, no. I mean, like--
Like, when did you guys,
like, first hook up?
- Oh.
- Uh, the Chernobyl nuclear
meltdown was our first date.
- Yeah.
- Oh, lovely.
Sounds very romantic.
I guess that's why Gideon's
been so unfocused.
- Yeah, and why
we ended up here.
Gary said that
the manor feels like home,
so that must be the reason
Gideon bought us here
instead of our actual home--
because of him.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
- Oh, wait, that's
such a nice thing to do.
- This is like
a bad reality show.
Thank you very much for that.
- That's it--I know
what's infesting the house.
- Well, enlighten us,
Miss Logue.
- It's the Cursed Crew,
and they're watching us,
trying to get a glimpse
of the real world.
- What are you talking about?
- Let me show you.
Lux et veritas.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Whoa.
- Whoa. Ooh!
- We are on a reality show
from hell.
- You're saying there's just
creepers just watching us?
- Yeah, like, everywhere?
- Yeah.
They're following us around,
filming us.
- I don't like the idea
of creepers watching us
for their own amusement.
- Not for their amusement,
for their curse.
Back in the '90s,
there was this film crew
that were so desperate
for a hit show
they sold their souls to this
demon called Harris Ledes.
The terms of the deal state
that they can't leave
his employment
unless they capture something
authentic, something real.
- Ah, sounds like
a bunch of sad sacks.
- No, we need to be careful.
Through Harris' unholy magic,
they can twist emotions
to amplify conflict.
- They love drama.
- Unless we want
to vacate this place forever,
I have to confront Harris.
- You want to go out there?
- I can handle myself.
But you all need
to handle yourselves.
If you feel your emotions
getting amped up,
don't succumb.
And just keep your heads
till I get back,
and please don't turn
on each other.
- Oh, man, this is gonna be
just like "KUWTT."
- K-U-W-T-T.
"Keeping Up
with the Tarazis,"
the reality show
about my own family
that I was recast on.
- Oof.
- Oh, that's right.
I forgot what a bummer
you were on it.
I'm starting
to remember, though.
- Mm.
- I'm joking.
It's a jo--
- Huh.
- Wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Uh, Miss Spooner?
- Uh-huh?
- May I have a word?
I just...
[dramatic music]
Would you mind informing me
as to exactly
what this, uh, reality TV is?
- [chuckles] Don't worry.
Stick with me.
Look, I've watched, like,
40 seasons of "Survivor."
Hey, we should
form an alliance.
- I had an ally once.
And perhaps
being stuck in hell
is proof that I have strayed
too far from getting his back.
- Yep.
Uh, never mind.
Forget it.
Offer rescinded.
You're too weird
for an alliance.
You'd only hold me back.
♪
- Reality TV show or not,
we need to find a way
to deal with Evil Gideon
and her robots.
- Okay, plan, plan.
- Yes.
- Let's, uh, free-associate.
- Hmm, free-associate?
Okay, I guess
I'm listening.
- [sighs] Robots.
- Robots, yes.
- Robots don't like water.
- No.
- And water is on the ocean.
[gasps] We need to go to
our beach house on the ocean.
- What?
- What?
Babe, look, I'm--
I'm drained, okay?
I just--I need a break.
Just, like,
a little private island
with a-a yacht
for day trips.
I mean, is that so much
to ask for?
- Yes.
We don't have time for this.
I don't underst--okay.
- [groans]
- Do you not want
to do the work?
- Of course
I want to do the work.
All I do is work.
I'm Sara Lance.
I'm crazy about work,
but I am also crazy
about personal chefs
and hers-and-hers massages.
Hmm?
- Who are you?
[Nate blows raspberry]
- You know what?
I have this all figured out.
These super-basic,
lazy reality-show wannabes
are trying to foist the
friends-to-lovers trope on us.
- That's why they did the stunt
with the shirt goo.
- Yeah. Luckily, we are way
too TV savvy to fall for that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Especially me.
- It's, like--if we haven't
hooked up already,
why would we hook up now?
We got this.
- We're gonna be the friends
that never fight.
- [gasps]
- Hmm?
All we have to do is
not sleep with each other.
- You and me,
that's crazy.
Never in a million years.
- Yeah, I mean, you know,
because we're just friends,
'cause, obviously, I'm--
I'm genetically identical
to your girlfriend,
so I understand
why you would unconsciously
be drawn to me.
- To be honest,
just the idea of it
is, like,
kind of, like, blah.
- [laughing]
Okay. Okay.
Uh, not to, like, press
the issue, but look at me.
I dress better than her.
I live in your timeline.
In fact, the only
real difference between us
is our personalities.
And, surely,
you're not saying that I,
the person who you called
your time bro-ette
not 20 minutes ago,
have a bad personality.
Surely not.
- Did I say
"never in a million years"?
I meant to say
"never in ten million years"!
- Mm-hmm?
Yeah? Yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [growls]
- [clears throat]
Miss Lance.
When we first met,
we made a deal,
and I have fulfilled
my end of the bargain.
I gave you time travel.
But you have not upheld
your side
by helping me complete
my sacred mission.
Instead, you have brought me
to the burning inferno
of hell itself,
and, therefore, with
all due respect, Miss Lance,
I must remind you
of your obligations to me.
- I do not have time for this.
- But you promised me.
Please, we must save Alun.
- Yes, Gwyn. Okay?
I have not forgotten
about our deal.
I owe you one person to save.
No problem. You got it.
We'll talk about it later.
- I'm very sorry, Miss Lance,
but this is not good enough!
- What do you want, then?
Do you need me
to write it down?
Is that gonna make you happy?
Fine. Here.
"Gwyn can save one person
from the timeline,"
signed "Sara Lance."
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to plan.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
- [softly]
Plan a holiday.
- [giggles]
Oh, my--
[whistling]
Excuse me, young lady,
would you put some clothes on?
- No way.
It's called strategy.
- Being naked is strategy?
- You know, it psyches
the other players out.
You know,
everyone trusts the naked guy,
because
what could they be hiding?
Hmm?
But, Gwyn, what I'm hiding
is all in here.
- Very, very, very, very--
[piano keys echo]
[quirky music]
[people screaming]
[ominous music]
♪
- Lowest Common
Demoninator Productions,
how may I hel--
Astra Logue?
Uh, is that really you?
- Unlucky for you,
I'm back.
And you're gonna do
exactly as I say.
- Aah!
[groans, screaming]
[blows landing]
♪
- Astra Logue.
It's been too long.
Ooh, you look awful.
[laughs]
It's not your fault, though.
Being outside of hell's
bad for your pores,
bad for your karma.
- Harris.
Still negging like it's 2007?
- Oh, it's called trolling now.
And these souls
that I'm trolling
are gonna be ripping
each other apart by midseason.
[laughs]
- Those are my souls
you're messing with.
So hands off.
- Oh.
Astra, hey, I-I didn't know
you were still in the biz.
Hey, look, I would never want
to step on your toes,
scuff those gorgeous heels.
[trills tongue]
[chuckles]
Look, tell you what...
souls are yours.
I'll put the crew back
to "Kitchen Night Terrors."
- Good.
Then we don't have a problem.
[unsettling music]
♪
- Sir, we found this soul
lurking around outside,
following her.
- [grunts]
I made this weird,
didn't I?
- So what was the plan
with this one, huh?
Classic flaying?
Exsanguination?
[gasps]
Oh, puddling? Huh?
Oh, ho-ho!
Puddling is when
we--we remove all your bones.
You just turn into a human
puddle, and we splash in you.
[chuckles]
- Not that.
- [blows raspberry]
So what do you say?
Take this one together,
for old times, huh?
[tense music]
♪
Ah, no.
Astra.
You--ah, you've
become one of them!
Disgusting!
Next thing you know,
she's gonna be talking
about found family
and having a-a conscience.
- So what if she does have
a conscience?
That's part of
what makes her amazing.
She's come so far.
- Behrad, shut up.
- What?
- [chuckles]
Behrad, was it?
See, the thing that
you think makes her amazing
actually now makes her...
- Vulnerable.
- Down here,
she's any demon's plaything.
Oh, hoo,
she's really mad at you.
I'm not detecting
much pushback.
- Fight it, Astra.
But if you can't,
I totally get it.
- Oh, yuck.
So chill.
You're a nice guy? Yeah.
Here's the thing
about nice guys--
they are all over the place
down here in hell.
The nicer they are, the more
secrets they got buried.
So I wonder...
[chuckles]
What have you really got
all locked up in here?
[inhales deeply]
Or maybe, is it...
nothing?
You got--
Oh, it's so boring!
Boring. I'm bored.
[blows raspberry]
- Why did you follow me?
I had this handled.
- Yeah. No, duh.
I saw what you did
to that guy at the front desk.
I just wanted to make sure
you weren't triggered
by being back.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Save it for the cameras.
- Please, no!
Aah!
No, no, no.
[shouts] I can't be here.
- So you either think
that I'm too weak to go solo
or I'm just gonna backslide
into being a monster.
I thought we were friends.
- We are!
But...I don't want to talk
in front of the cameras.
- Well, there's not
really another option.
They're still here
because you followed me.
- Mmm.
Well, I enjoyed
every bit of that.
And not just the chocolate.
The sex was great, too.
[inhales deeply,
sighs contentedly]
What's wrong?
- What are we doing?
Maybe they're right.
Maybe this thing between us
is clouding my judgment.
Or maybe it's all been
heightened by this hell house.
The last thing the Legends need
is for their time pilot
to be obsessed
with your sweet, little bottom.
- No, no. hell house or not,
our judgment isn't clouded.
You--you do genuinely admire
my sweet, little bottom,
and I do genuinely love you.
[dramatic music]
- I have to go.
- Uh, no, that--that that was
the reality show effect.
I-I know it's too soon
to talk about love.
You know, t-that's weeks away,
e-even a month.
- I'm sorry.
I just need some time to think.
[quirky music]
♪
[door closes]
[sighs]
You are in over your head
this time.
♪
- How so?
♪
- Hello?
- How are you
in over your head?
- Who's talking?
- Oh, you, hopefully.
- I don't want
to share my emotions
with a disembodied voice.
- Don't you, just a little?
- Well, I guess
it would be nice to unload.
This is just
between you and me?
- Of course.
♪
- This has all been
quite overwhelming.
My human side...
well, it's been developing
all sorts of new feelings,
and I particularly hate
this one called self-doubt.
- Your human side?
- Yes.
Sometimes I wish
I could turn off my emotions
and just approach things
more analytically,
like my CPU was designed.
That would be quite dangerous.
- Well, some people would say
in these peculiar circumstances
that unchecked emotions
could be much more dangerous.
- Maybe you're right.
[pensive jazz music]
Huh.
[punchy rock music]
- Gideon?
- I'm dumping you, Gary.
It's over.
- What?
- I need to devote
my full energy to my work.
- But--but--but my bottom.
- Please don't make a scene.
You'll only embarrass yourself.
♪
- [sobbing]
- You're not thinking
about what Nate said, are you?
- [scoffs]
Ten million years.
[scoffs] I'm just not as
laid-back as the other Zari.
I simply take advantage
of my genes
to utilize a little variety
in my appearance.
Tell me this--is it a crime
to admit that I am,
empirically speaking, very hot?
- Perhaps the mere sight of you
makes him,
I don't know, nervous
for some reason.
- You know what? You're right.
He's nervous.
But why?
We're just friends.
There's no reason for him
to be nervous around me.
- Maybe it's another Zari.
- Why would he be nervous
around her?
They're in love.
They're moving in.
That's a big step.
It's...
Oh, my God.
[gasps]
That's it.
- What?
- He doesn't want her
to move into the totem.
[gasps]
- Oh.
- How could he do this to her?
Gidget.
- Hmm?
- We have to protect
that little nerd.
You're on my team, right?
- Of course I am.
- Of course. Oh, my God.
- Of course.
Oh.
- I love you.
[ominous music]
[upbeat rock music]
- Yeah! Yep! Yep!
[grunts]
Hey, I saw you talking to Zari.
What'd she say?
- I shouldn't.
It was in confidence.
♪
I'll just say it's interesting
that she thinks
she utilizes her genes
better than your Zari.
[record scratches]
- What?
She thinks my Zari's ugly?
She thinks she's better
than her?
- I cannot say.
- Hey, good talk.
- Hmm.
- Spot buddies for life.
Nice.
- Ouch.
[dramatic music]
♪
Deep into planning--
refreshing.
The rest of the Legends
are concerned
with more trivial matters.
♪
I was thinking, though,
with this current plan...
- Mm.
- How are you going to prevent
any harm to Alun
throughout the rest of the war?
I mean, there is, after all,
four more years of it?
- [praying in Welsh]
- It's too bad you cannot
save them all...
those poor men.
- Perhaps we can
save all of them.
♪
- Why go back out there?
- Oh, you're talking to me now?
- I'm just wondering why
you want to go back out there
being that
it's the source of your trauma.
- My trauma?
Behrad, I grew up in hell.
It sucked, but I survived
by pushing through, not hiding.
What the hell
are you hiding from?
- Me?
I'm B. I'm chill.
I don't have trauma.
That's my whole thing.
Frankly,
I think you're projecting,
which I hear is quite common.
- Oh, please! Grow up!
Frange!
[grunts]
- [groans]
- Men are cowards.
- Yep! Yep!
- Nate...
[crying] I think there's
something wrong with Gideon.
- My boy Gary--
he's brokenhearted right now.
But Nate-y H still has
to drop these truth bombs.
[rock music]
Look, just when you think
you can trust a woman,
she turns around
and shows her true self.
That's why
you can't trust dames.
You can only trust...
gains.
- [sobbing]
Oh, no.
Nate...
he sucks to be around
right now.
I need to find someone
more levelheaded.
♪
- What do you mean
Gideon is different?
She just came to me
about an alliance.
♪
Want to start
a secret double alliance, hmm?
- [whimpering, sobbing]
- Ohh.
[chuckles] Gary's head
just isn't in the game.
If he can't get it together,
then he's out.
Of what?
I'm not sure yet.
But I know I'm ahead.
[chuckles]
- Co-Cap, once you're finished
coming up
with a brilliant plan,
we need to talk
about how Bro Nate is going to
ruin Flannel Zari's life.
- I have come up
with the perfect plan
to defeat Evil Gideon.
Pack your sunscreen
and your hangover remedies,
because the legends
are going to Cabo!
[gong sounds]
- That's her plan?
Of course a trip would be nice,
but we have business
to take care of.
We have messes to clean up.
We can't just go to the beach
every time life gets hard.
[scoffs]
Oh, no.
I'm turning into the implanted
memories of my mother.
[banging on pot]
Wash your hands!
It's time for dinner!
- These Legends are going
to have to listen to me now.
- If I had it my way,
the only Z we would
have at dinner is ziti. Oh!
- I mean, honestly,
and this is a true question,
did that self-tanner
seep into his brain?
- And that is how you make
a rabbit trap.
- Table's set,
and the knives are out.
- I hope everyone's hungry,
because they're about to get
a mouthful of the meal
I just cooked and my opinions.
[quirky music]
- Oh, crap.
♪
So I get down to dinner,
and the Legends have done
literally nothing I told them.
The place is a powder keg.
- Without human emotions
clouding my judgment,
I'll make sure the Legends
get exactly what they deserve.
- I don't think Behrad
will be joining us.
He is hiding in bed.
- Oh, just like he spent
most of his teenage years.
- Ew.
- No. Not like that.
He just didn't want
to be on camera.
So we had to recast him.
- You recast your own brother?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let us pray.
Our [bleep]
who art in [bleep],
hallowed be thy [bleep].
Thy [bleep] come,
thy [bleep] be done--
- [tapping on glass]
Beautiful words.
Uh, Aves,
I just want to say thank you
for this beautiful meal.
- You're welcome.
- Fake.
[tires screeching]
- Excuse me?
- You know, I think that this
is now a wonderful opportunity
to bring up the plan
with regards
to what Miss Lance promised me.
- What is he talking about?
- She promised me
that I could save one life,
and that life...
is Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
♪
By preventing the assassination
of Archduke Franz Ferdinand,
we shall prevent
the entire Great War.
♪
- How dare you misrepresent me?
You led me to believe
that you wanted to save
one inconsequential person
from the timeline,
not your entire generation.
No, thank you.
Babe, listen to me.
You know I would never promise
something like that,
and he is clearly a liar.
- I am not a liar.
- I am not talking to you.
- That's it!
I am done cleaning up
after you, after all of you!
I am not the den mother.
And would you put
some clothes on?
- Ah!
- Oh, my--
- Look what you did.
Ava, wait!
- But a promise is a promise.
- Perfect.
Oh, let's really
turn the heat up.
I want to see them rip
each other's limbs off.
- So, Spooner...
- Mm?
- Whose faction
did you decide to join--
Nate or Zari's?
- Mm.
- Oh, my gosh.
You're trying
to team up against me?
Well, good luck getting anyone
on your side.
- Oh, my God,
you're such a backstabber.
Nobody wants to be
on your side.
- Everyone's on my side.
- No.
All you ever do is talk crap
about my Zari.
and that woman's a saint!
- They both make good points,
but just know that
whichever alliance I join,
I promise I will betray it.
- You know what?
Since we're already in hell,
there's only one way
to settle this.
- This is
the weirdest vibe yet.
What--what's going on?
- Well, Nate doesn't want
to move into the totem.
- She called you ugly.
That's not true.
I totally want to live
in the totem with you.
And also, I believe
she's trying to sleep with me.
- Oh, my God.
- Upstairs she said that to me.
- Hey.
Are we in hell right now?
- Uh, yeah,
and we're all under the effects
of a demon's reality show.
- Huh. Okay.
That, uh--that makes sense.
- It does?
- Yeah, because I have the
uncontrollable urge to do this.
- Oh!
How could I?
- Babe, I'm really sorry.
Okay?
I just really needed a break
and have a reset
and swim with dolphins, babe.
- Would you stop
with the vacation?
- This is divine punishment!
- Enough!
This is exactly what he wants!
You're all complete idiots!
We're getting out of here!
Gideon, I need your brain!
Put on the colander!
We will figure out
an exorcism topside!
- Excellent.
You should all simply pile
into Gwyn's
ramshackle time contraption,
and I'll take you out of here.
It'll be a breeze.
- A breeze? No!
She'll kill us all!
[dramatic music]
♪
I've been trying to tell you
s-she's not herself.
She'll time jump us
into a tornado.
- Gary,
don't do anything crazy.
- I'm trying to save your life,
so help me [bleep].
I'll eat this.
- Eat?
♪
all: No!
- Get back here!
Gary! Gary!
[all shouting]
[ethereal whooshing]
♪
[all shouting]
- [growling]
- Get him.
[all shouting]
♪
[indistinct arguing]
- Wow, sounds really tense
down there, huh?
- Back off.
Those are my friends.
- Yeah, of course.
Your friends who love you.
You know, they sure could use
a chill and cool Behrad
right about now
to calm things down.
- So I'm just gonna be
that guy forever?
- Well, the real question is,
who are you without this?
And who would want to hang out
with this mess?
♪
- [groans softly]
- Let's slice him open.
- [screams]
[indistinct shouting]
[upbeat music]
- Get him!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go!
♪
- Aah!
- [squeals]
- [gasps]
- You guys want to make asses
of yourselves for the cameras?
Is that what you want?
[dramatic music]
- Because I know
what it gets you.
I have countless memories
of cameras in my face,
every time I was scared,
every time I cried.
You want to know about
the first time I ever failed?
Don't worry.
"Keeping Up With The Tarazis"
had a whole episode about it!
I figured out the way
to beat it
was to be unflappable, chill.
Pop a gummy, lay low,
relax.
If they don't see
it get to you,
they don't have the power.
But...
it gets to me.
A lot of things do.
I'm sad sometimes.
I'm scared a lot.
I died,
and I never talked about it...
♪
Because maybe I'm afraid
if I'm honest with anyone,
they'll end up hating me.
♪
All I wanted to do
was ask you out,
and now I'm crying
for all of hell to see
and laugh at me...
for my friends to realize
they never knew the real me...
♪
And for the girl I like
to run far away from me.
But I'm done now.
Here's the honest truth.
When it comes to you, Astra...
I lose all my cool.
♪
I'm just B.
- [laughs] Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Whoa.
[shouts]
♪
- Oh! Oh.
- Aah!
It's gone.
Ah, my shows!
[remote thuds loudly]
What happened?
♪
- He got real.
- Is it over?
- The curse is lifted.
Your contract with Harris
is terminated.
Get the hell out of here.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Gideon?
Are you in there?
♪
- Gary, I'm so sorry.
♪
- Here, babe, let me do this.
- No. It's all right.
- It's not,
and I know it's not.
Look, even when my brain
was on a vacation episode
of "The Real Housewives,"
I knew you were right.
♪
- Go on.
♪
- I let you take on
too much responsibility
for the mission,
and it's not fair.
You are not the house mom,
you are the co-captain...
and a very beautiful, sexy...
co-captain.
♪
- So when were you going to
tell me about this promise
that you made to Gwyn, hmm?
- Pardon the intrusion, ladies.
But, uh, if you are attending
the, uh, mea culpas,
then I have to admit that I got
a little carried away.
I'm not very well acquainted
with the rules
of time travel yet,
but even I know
that one cannot simply stop
the Great War.
- [sighs] I'm sorry, Gwyn.
But I will uphold my promise,
all right?
We're gonna find a way
to save your guy...
as cleanly as possible.
No timeline explosions.
- [exhales deeply]
- I guess it is sweet
you were both looking out
for me.
- Girl, of course.
- Look, I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you, and I cannot wait
to live with you.
- I know. Besides, you know
how many aunties
are very psyched
for your arrival?
- Mm.
- Mm.
Which reminds me, I, uh--
I got to get back.
You are going to stay
and apologize to each other.
Yeah? By the way, sorry about
the whole wine thing.
Okay, bye.
both: I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Is it--
Honestly, the voice was a lot--
- My voice?
You can't be serious right now
with what--
both: All is forgiven.
[soft music]
♪
- How did you know that would
work with the camera guys?
- Uh, didn't, just wanted
to say how I felt.
- Right. Yeah, the reality show
made everyone say crazy things.
- Not me.
That was genuine--
a genuine full-blown freak-out
in front of the hot girl
I've had a crush on forever.
♪
- Well, who knows?
Maybe that girl
has a little crush on you, too.
♪
- I'm sorry.
I'm just in my own head.
- Is, uh, something wrong?
Don't you want to?
- Oh, I want to, really bad.
But I might need a minute
to figure out what being
unchill and sober is like
before I'm the best boyfriend
you ever had.
[both chuckle]
- If you want to go slow,
that's cool.
♪
- You know you guys
are so dorky?
- Oh.
- Spooner, the cameras
are gone.
- Oh. You know,
I got so comfortable,
I didn't even realize it.
- House meeting!
- Just--
Clothes, Spooner, clothes.
- House meeting, everyone!
- Sure, why not?
- Gary,
the reality show's over.
- Yes, and I, for one,
am very pleased.
You call that entertainment?
- No, I don't.
No, we're having
this house meeting
because there are apologies
that need to happen.
- Gary, it's okay.
Gwyn and Sarah and I
talked it out.
- Yeah, and Nate and I
are besties again.
- No, apologies to me
and Gideon, you jerks.
She wouldn't have had to switch
over to robo mode
if you guys didn't make
her second-guess herself
and then make her feel guilty
about our relationship!
- Thank you, Gary.
[serious music]
I've noticed
that you've all found love
in some of the most chaotic
of times,
and you've still done your jobs
with terrific aplomb.
So, you know,
the fact that you think
that Gary and I
cannot find comfort
in each other's sweet embrace,
it's a bit hypocritical.
♪
- Um...
yeah, actually, you're--
you're completely right.
And we're sorry.
- Yeah. We're sorry.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- We're sorry.
- It's quite nice
feeling emotional again.
It's like a warm
and gooey feeling
as opposed to a cold
and calculated urge to murder.
- Say what?
- I'm just kidding.
I'm quite funny, actually.
[laughter]
- So funny.
- But, hey, since you are
a part of this team
and a supercomputer,
so you tell us,
where do you think
we should go?
- I'm glad you asked, Captain,
because I've given it
much tactical
and emotional consideration,
and I think I want to trust
my gut, as us humans say,
and my gut is telling me
to plot a course
for Sarajevo in 1914.
We need to save
Archduke Franz Ferdinand
and stop World War I.
[laughter]
all:
What?
- Greg, move your head.
Did everybody make it?
- No. Bishop's dead.
- Well, we have to go back.
We can't leave a man
behind now.
We have to go back.
- Gwyn, he sacrificed himself
for us.
We cannot go back
or more of us could die.
[dramatic music]
- I need a moment.
♪
- Uh, are we in John's mansion?
- Yeah, in the pocket
dimension, I think.
- Does it still open
to the factory?
[flames roaring]
- Aah!
Not unless something terrible
happened to that factory.
- Oh, the portal
must have closed
when the last person
exited the manor.
So right now there's
no doorway back to Earth.
- It's okay.
We can still time-jump.
- No, we can't, not until
we know exactly where and when.
We can't afford
to have another mistake.
- What?
What do you mean?
- Well, we told her
to go home,
and this feels
like home to me.
- Home is 2022, not here.
- It was all really chaotic.
I-I just--
- Hey, Gidget.
A-are you okay?
You look a little--
Oh, she has a fever.
- Oh, man. Okay, well,
if Gideon is unwell,
it's definitely not safe
to jump,
so we are trapped
in the mansion.
- We know.
- More like trapped
three inches from home.
[all groan]
- It's gonna be
all right, guys.
Gideon probably
just needs a rest,
and, luckily, we landed
outside the timeline,
which means Evil Gideon
can't find us,
and now we have a chance
to come up with our game plan.
- That was the whole--
- Tactics.
We need to think tactics.
Give me ten minutes--
I'll have a murder board
drawn up
and we can do some planning.
♪
- It tolls for thee.
- [distantly]
Help me, please!
- Hello?
Is someone there?
- Gwyn!
- Hello?
- Help me! Gwyn!
- Alun?
[doors rattling]
♪
[flames roaring]
[pensive music]
♪
- Wow, babe, this is your most
complicated murder board yet.
- All right, bottom line is...
- Nice.
- Yeah, uh, Evil Gideon's
manufacturing robots
to hunt us down.
- After all we have done
to protect the timeline...
- So what we need--ideas,
good ideas--
how to defeat robots,
how to travel without
being detected by Evil Gideon.
- Hey, Gideon.
Didn't see you
at the murder board meeting.
You okay?
[somber music]
- I thought I was doing
the right thing coming here,
but they're all
so disappointed in me.
It all happened so fast,
I just went with my gut.
What if next time
I get confused
and I just jump us all
into a tornado?
I could kill us all.
- No.
No, you did good.
You brought us to safety.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
[smooches]
[chuckles]
♪
- So what did I miss
at the meeting?
- Oh, you know,
they were talking
about why Evil Gideon wants
to kill all the Legends.
- Oh, I'm sure she thinks
they're an unpredictable
and destructive force
that needs to be eradicated.
♪
Just a guess.
- Looks like someone
restocked the kitchen.
Have an apple.
- Oh.
♪
[crunching]
♪
- Is it getting hot in here,
or is it just me?
- Well, if you're referring
to the increasing temperature
in the house,
you're correct.
- Oh.
- If you're insinuating
we should go upstairs
and fool around,
also correct.
♪
- Oh.
[both giggling]
- Guys, I'm thinking
about maybe asking Astra out.
- [gasps] Oh.
- Our baby boy's
all growns up.
- I just feel, like, clarity,
you know?
Like, I haven't smoked weed
or done edibles
since we got time-stranded,
and I feel so present.
And now I just can't stop
thinking about her.
- That's great--
just be yourself
and, you know,
don't make it weird.
- Be myself.
Don't make it weird.
- You're Behrad--
you're the cool, chill guy
everyone wants
to hang out with.
- Be cool and chill.
That's why people like me.
- Exactly.
- All right.
Thanks, guys.
- We crushed that.
- Whoo.
- I love helping little bro.
- Oh, 'cause
you're time bros?
- No, 'cause I'm getting
so serious with my Zari.
He's like a future
little brother-in-law.
- I guess that makes us in-laws
in some weird way.
- Yeah, but you're,
like, my best bud,
so, like, a time bro-ette.
- Thank you,
but I hate that.
♪
- Is it hot in here?
It feels like
a million degrees.
- Yeah, something is not right.
[flames roaring]
- Gwyn!
[creatures snarling]
- Are we in hell?
- Uh...
- Oh, Lord and all you saints
and martyrs, aid me now.
- Okay, calm--calm--
calm down, Gwyn.
I mean, what's the worst
that can happen?
- The worst that can happen--
we are in the very bowels
of hell, Esperanza.
The horrors that await us
are beyond the limits
of our imaginations.
- Well, yeah, out there,
but, I mean, we--
we would have
seen something come in, right?
[electricity thuds, crackles]
[sinister music]
- [sighs] You might want
to keep praying, Gwyn.
- You left
the door to hell open?
- What were you thinking?
- Yes, I'm sorry.
You see,
I thought I heard voices,
and so I opened the door.
I'm a grand fool, I know.
- There's no telling
what nightmare got in.
[electricity thuds]
- Oh, where I come from,
the only thing worse than pests
are pests
that make themselves at home.
- Yeah. Okay, let's split up
and sweep the house.
We can't fight Evil Gideon
if we're all possessed.
Or can we?
No. No, bad idea.
Sweep the house.
Tell everyone.
Go ahead.
- Right.
[eerie music]
♪
- Hey, you ever feel like
someone's watching you?
- Well, as a child celebrity,
I feel weird
when I'm not being watched.
But, yeah,
I do know what you mean.
♪
Oh!
- Oh.
- Ew!
Oh, my--Ugh!
- Ugh.
- Disgusting.
Who knows what kind of magic
goo John is hoarding in here?
Ugh!
- Disgusting.
[clears throat]
There's, um--
there's--there's--
there's got to be something
to wear around here.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, somewhere in here.
Yeah.
- I don't like this.
You know, we didn't plan
for a hell detour.
- [sighs] Yeah, I know.
We got robots and
Evil Gideon and now ghosts?
I am at capacity.
- Mm.
[distant thudding]
[unsettling music]
Something's
definitely up there.
♪
[thudding continues]
- Did you hear that?
- Hear what?
Boo!
- Aah!
[growls]
Behrad!
Don't sneak up on people
in hell!
You idiot.
- Sorry.
[tender music]
[dramatic music]
♪
[thudding continues]
♪
- Whew.
- [exhales deeply]
- You look like John.
- You look like my Zari.
[tender music]
♪
What's happening?
[suspenseful music]
- [gasps] I think
we're being manipulated.
- No.
- Yes.
- [gasps]
♪
- Aah!
- [gasps]
- Aah!
- Why are you attacking us?
- Wha--
"Us"?
- Greetings.
- Oh, my--
- Oh, my--Damn.
- Why? Why? Why? Why?
- Oh! Whoa, whoa!
- You idiot!
[all shouting at once]
- Hi, everyone.
This is, uh, mortifying.
- This had better
be consensual, Gary,
or I'm gonna rip off your--
- It was entirely consensual.
In fact, I was the one
to instigate our first tryst.
- [chuckles]
- All right.
Well, how long
has this been going on?
- Uh, well, including
the foreplay, approximately--
[all groan]
- No, no. I mean, like--
Like, when did you guys,
like, first hook up?
- Oh.
- Uh, the Chernobyl nuclear
meltdown was our first date.
- Yeah.
- Oh, lovely.
Sounds very romantic.
I guess that's why Gideon's
been so unfocused.
- Yeah, and why
we ended up here.
Gary said that
the manor feels like home,
so that must be the reason
Gideon bought us here
instead of our actual home--
because of him.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
- Oh, wait, that's
such a nice thing to do.
- This is like
a bad reality show.
Thank you very much for that.
- That's it--I know
what's infesting the house.
- Well, enlighten us,
Miss Logue.
- It's the Cursed Crew,
and they're watching us,
trying to get a glimpse
of the real world.
- What are you talking about?
- Let me show you.
Lux et veritas.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Whoa.
- Whoa. Ooh!
- We are on a reality show
from hell.
- You're saying there's just
creepers just watching us?
- Yeah, like, everywhere?
- Yeah.
They're following us around,
filming us.
- I don't like the idea
of creepers watching us
for their own amusement.
- Not for their amusement,
for their curse.
Back in the '90s,
there was this film crew
that were so desperate
for a hit show
they sold their souls to this
demon called Harris Ledes.
The terms of the deal state
that they can't leave
his employment
unless they capture something
authentic, something real.
- Ah, sounds like
a bunch of sad sacks.
- No, we need to be careful.
Through Harris' unholy magic,
they can twist emotions
to amplify conflict.
- They love drama.
- Unless we want
to vacate this place forever,
I have to confront Harris.
- You want to go out there?
- I can handle myself.
But you all need
to handle yourselves.
If you feel your emotions
getting amped up,
don't succumb.
And just keep your heads
till I get back,
and please don't turn
on each other.
- Oh, man, this is gonna be
just like "KUWTT."
- K-U-W-T-T.
"Keeping Up
with the Tarazis,"
the reality show
about my own family
that I was recast on.
- Oof.
- Oh, that's right.
I forgot what a bummer
you were on it.
I'm starting
to remember, though.
- Mm.
- I'm joking.
It's a jo--
- Huh.
- Wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Uh, Miss Spooner?
- Uh-huh?
- May I have a word?
I just...
[dramatic music]
Would you mind informing me
as to exactly
what this, uh, reality TV is?
- [chuckles] Don't worry.
Stick with me.
Look, I've watched, like,
40 seasons of "Survivor."
Hey, we should
form an alliance.
- I had an ally once.
And perhaps
being stuck in hell
is proof that I have strayed
too far from getting his back.
- Yep.
Uh, never mind.
Forget it.
Offer rescinded.
You're too weird
for an alliance.
You'd only hold me back.
♪
- Reality TV show or not,
we need to find a way
to deal with Evil Gideon
and her robots.
- Okay, plan, plan.
- Yes.
- Let's, uh, free-associate.
- Hmm, free-associate?
Okay, I guess
I'm listening.
- [sighs] Robots.
- Robots, yes.
- Robots don't like water.
- No.
- And water is on the ocean.
[gasps] We need to go to
our beach house on the ocean.
- What?
- What?
Babe, look, I'm--
I'm drained, okay?
I just--I need a break.
Just, like,
a little private island
with a-a yacht
for day trips.
I mean, is that so much
to ask for?
- Yes.
We don't have time for this.
I don't underst--okay.
- [groans]
- Do you not want
to do the work?
- Of course
I want to do the work.
All I do is work.
I'm Sara Lance.
I'm crazy about work,
but I am also crazy
about personal chefs
and hers-and-hers massages.
Hmm?
- Who are you?
[Nate blows raspberry]
- You know what?
I have this all figured out.
These super-basic,
lazy reality-show wannabes
are trying to foist the
friends-to-lovers trope on us.
- That's why they did the stunt
with the shirt goo.
- Yeah. Luckily, we are way
too TV savvy to fall for that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Especially me.
- It's, like--if we haven't
hooked up already,
why would we hook up now?
We got this.
- We're gonna be the friends
that never fight.
- [gasps]
- Hmm?
All we have to do is
not sleep with each other.
- You and me,
that's crazy.
Never in a million years.
- Yeah, I mean, you know,
because we're just friends,
'cause, obviously, I'm--
I'm genetically identical
to your girlfriend,
so I understand
why you would unconsciously
be drawn to me.
- To be honest,
just the idea of it
is, like,
kind of, like, blah.
- [laughing]
Okay. Okay.
Uh, not to, like, press
the issue, but look at me.
I dress better than her.
I live in your timeline.
In fact, the only
real difference between us
is our personalities.
And, surely,
you're not saying that I,
the person who you called
your time bro-ette
not 20 minutes ago,
have a bad personality.
Surely not.
- Did I say
"never in a million years"?
I meant to say
"never in ten million years"!
- Mm-hmm?
Yeah? Yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [growls]
- [clears throat]
Miss Lance.
When we first met,
we made a deal,
and I have fulfilled
my end of the bargain.
I gave you time travel.
But you have not upheld
your side
by helping me complete
my sacred mission.
Instead, you have brought me
to the burning inferno
of hell itself,
and, therefore, with
all due respect, Miss Lance,
I must remind you
of your obligations to me.
- I do not have time for this.
- But you promised me.
Please, we must save Alun.
- Yes, Gwyn. Okay?
I have not forgotten
about our deal.
I owe you one person to save.
No problem. You got it.
We'll talk about it later.
- I'm very sorry, Miss Lance,
but this is not good enough!
- What do you want, then?
Do you need me
to write it down?
Is that gonna make you happy?
Fine. Here.
"Gwyn can save one person
from the timeline,"
signed "Sara Lance."
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to plan.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
- [softly]
Plan a holiday.
- [giggles]
Oh, my--
[whistling]
Excuse me, young lady,
would you put some clothes on?
- No way.
It's called strategy.
- Being naked is strategy?
- You know, it psyches
the other players out.
You know,
everyone trusts the naked guy,
because
what could they be hiding?
Hmm?
But, Gwyn, what I'm hiding
is all in here.
- Very, very, very, very--
[piano keys echo]
[quirky music]
[people screaming]
[ominous music]
♪
- Lowest Common
Demoninator Productions,
how may I hel--
Astra Logue?
Uh, is that really you?
- Unlucky for you,
I'm back.
And you're gonna do
exactly as I say.
- Aah!
[groans, screaming]
[blows landing]
♪
- Astra Logue.
It's been too long.
Ooh, you look awful.
[laughs]
It's not your fault, though.
Being outside of hell's
bad for your pores,
bad for your karma.
- Harris.
Still negging like it's 2007?
- Oh, it's called trolling now.
And these souls
that I'm trolling
are gonna be ripping
each other apart by midseason.
[laughs]
- Those are my souls
you're messing with.
So hands off.
- Oh.
Astra, hey, I-I didn't know
you were still in the biz.
Hey, look, I would never want
to step on your toes,
scuff those gorgeous heels.
[trills tongue]
[chuckles]
Look, tell you what...
souls are yours.
I'll put the crew back
to "Kitchen Night Terrors."
- Good.
Then we don't have a problem.
[unsettling music]
♪
- Sir, we found this soul
lurking around outside,
following her.
- [grunts]
I made this weird,
didn't I?
- So what was the plan
with this one, huh?
Classic flaying?
Exsanguination?
[gasps]
Oh, puddling? Huh?
Oh, ho-ho!
Puddling is when
we--we remove all your bones.
You just turn into a human
puddle, and we splash in you.
[chuckles]
- Not that.
- [blows raspberry]
So what do you say?
Take this one together,
for old times, huh?
[tense music]
♪
Ah, no.
Astra.
You--ah, you've
become one of them!
Disgusting!
Next thing you know,
she's gonna be talking
about found family
and having a-a conscience.
- So what if she does have
a conscience?
That's part of
what makes her amazing.
She's come so far.
- Behrad, shut up.
- What?
- [chuckles]
Behrad, was it?
See, the thing that
you think makes her amazing
actually now makes her...
- Vulnerable.
- Down here,
she's any demon's plaything.
Oh, hoo,
she's really mad at you.
I'm not detecting
much pushback.
- Fight it, Astra.
But if you can't,
I totally get it.
- Oh, yuck.
So chill.
You're a nice guy? Yeah.
Here's the thing
about nice guys--
they are all over the place
down here in hell.
The nicer they are, the more
secrets they got buried.
So I wonder...
[chuckles]
What have you really got
all locked up in here?
[inhales deeply]
Or maybe, is it...
nothing?
You got--
Oh, it's so boring!
Boring. I'm bored.
[blows raspberry]
- Why did you follow me?
I had this handled.
- Yeah. No, duh.
I saw what you did
to that guy at the front desk.
I just wanted to make sure
you weren't triggered
by being back.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Save it for the cameras.
- Please, no!
Aah!
No, no, no.
[shouts] I can't be here.
- So you either think
that I'm too weak to go solo
or I'm just gonna backslide
into being a monster.
I thought we were friends.
- We are!
But...I don't want to talk
in front of the cameras.
- Well, there's not
really another option.
They're still here
because you followed me.
- Mmm.
Well, I enjoyed
every bit of that.
And not just the chocolate.
The sex was great, too.
[inhales deeply,
sighs contentedly]
What's wrong?
- What are we doing?
Maybe they're right.
Maybe this thing between us
is clouding my judgment.
Or maybe it's all been
heightened by this hell house.
The last thing the Legends need
is for their time pilot
to be obsessed
with your sweet, little bottom.
- No, no. hell house or not,
our judgment isn't clouded.
You--you do genuinely admire
my sweet, little bottom,
and I do genuinely love you.
[dramatic music]
- I have to go.
- Uh, no, that--that that was
the reality show effect.
I-I know it's too soon
to talk about love.
You know, t-that's weeks away,
e-even a month.
- I'm sorry.
I just need some time to think.
[quirky music]
♪
[door closes]
[sighs]
You are in over your head
this time.
♪
- How so?
♪
- Hello?
- How are you
in over your head?
- Who's talking?
- Oh, you, hopefully.
- I don't want
to share my emotions
with a disembodied voice.
- Don't you, just a little?
- Well, I guess
it would be nice to unload.
This is just
between you and me?
- Of course.
♪
- This has all been
quite overwhelming.
My human side...
well, it's been developing
all sorts of new feelings,
and I particularly hate
this one called self-doubt.
- Your human side?
- Yes.
Sometimes I wish
I could turn off my emotions
and just approach things
more analytically,
like my CPU was designed.
That would be quite dangerous.
- Well, some people would say
in these peculiar circumstances
that unchecked emotions
could be much more dangerous.
- Maybe you're right.
[pensive jazz music]
Huh.
[punchy rock music]
- Gideon?
- I'm dumping you, Gary.
It's over.
- What?
- I need to devote
my full energy to my work.
- But--but--but my bottom.
- Please don't make a scene.
You'll only embarrass yourself.
♪
- [sobbing]
- You're not thinking
about what Nate said, are you?
- [scoffs]
Ten million years.
[scoffs] I'm just not as
laid-back as the other Zari.
I simply take advantage
of my genes
to utilize a little variety
in my appearance.
Tell me this--is it a crime
to admit that I am,
empirically speaking, very hot?
- Perhaps the mere sight of you
makes him,
I don't know, nervous
for some reason.
- You know what? You're right.
He's nervous.
But why?
We're just friends.
There's no reason for him
to be nervous around me.
- Maybe it's another Zari.
- Why would he be nervous
around her?
They're in love.
They're moving in.
That's a big step.
It's...
Oh, my God.
[gasps]
That's it.
- What?
- He doesn't want her
to move into the totem.
[gasps]
- Oh.
- How could he do this to her?
Gidget.
- Hmm?
- We have to protect
that little nerd.
You're on my team, right?
- Of course I am.
- Of course. Oh, my God.
- Of course.
Oh.
- I love you.
[ominous music]
[upbeat rock music]
- Yeah! Yep! Yep!
[grunts]
Hey, I saw you talking to Zari.
What'd she say?
- I shouldn't.
It was in confidence.
♪
I'll just say it's interesting
that she thinks
she utilizes her genes
better than your Zari.
[record scratches]
- What?
She thinks my Zari's ugly?
She thinks she's better
than her?
- I cannot say.
- Hey, good talk.
- Hmm.
- Spot buddies for life.
Nice.
- Ouch.
[dramatic music]
♪
Deep into planning--
refreshing.
The rest of the Legends
are concerned
with more trivial matters.
♪
I was thinking, though,
with this current plan...
- Mm.
- How are you going to prevent
any harm to Alun
throughout the rest of the war?
I mean, there is, after all,
four more years of it?
- [praying in Welsh]
- It's too bad you cannot
save them all...
those poor men.
- Perhaps we can
save all of them.
♪
- Why go back out there?
- Oh, you're talking to me now?
- I'm just wondering why
you want to go back out there
being that
it's the source of your trauma.
- My trauma?
Behrad, I grew up in hell.
It sucked, but I survived
by pushing through, not hiding.
What the hell
are you hiding from?
- Me?
I'm B. I'm chill.
I don't have trauma.
That's my whole thing.
Frankly,
I think you're projecting,
which I hear is quite common.
- Oh, please! Grow up!
Frange!
[grunts]
- [groans]
- Men are cowards.
- Yep! Yep!
- Nate...
[crying] I think there's
something wrong with Gideon.
- My boy Gary--
he's brokenhearted right now.
But Nate-y H still has
to drop these truth bombs.
[rock music]
Look, just when you think
you can trust a woman,
she turns around
and shows her true self.
That's why
you can't trust dames.
You can only trust...
gains.
- [sobbing]
Oh, no.
Nate...
he sucks to be around
right now.
I need to find someone
more levelheaded.
♪
- What do you mean
Gideon is different?
She just came to me
about an alliance.
♪
Want to start
a secret double alliance, hmm?
- [whimpering, sobbing]
- Ohh.
[chuckles] Gary's head
just isn't in the game.
If he can't get it together,
then he's out.
Of what?
I'm not sure yet.
But I know I'm ahead.
[chuckles]
- Co-Cap, once you're finished
coming up
with a brilliant plan,
we need to talk
about how Bro Nate is going to
ruin Flannel Zari's life.
- I have come up
with the perfect plan
to defeat Evil Gideon.
Pack your sunscreen
and your hangover remedies,
because the legends
are going to Cabo!
[gong sounds]
- That's her plan?
Of course a trip would be nice,
but we have business
to take care of.
We have messes to clean up.
We can't just go to the beach
every time life gets hard.
[scoffs]
Oh, no.
I'm turning into the implanted
memories of my mother.
[banging on pot]
Wash your hands!
It's time for dinner!
- These Legends are going
to have to listen to me now.
- If I had it my way,
the only Z we would
have at dinner is ziti. Oh!
- I mean, honestly,
and this is a true question,
did that self-tanner
seep into his brain?
- And that is how you make
a rabbit trap.
- Table's set,
and the knives are out.
- I hope everyone's hungry,
because they're about to get
a mouthful of the meal
I just cooked and my opinions.
[quirky music]
- Oh, crap.
♪
So I get down to dinner,
and the Legends have done
literally nothing I told them.
The place is a powder keg.
- Without human emotions
clouding my judgment,
I'll make sure the Legends
get exactly what they deserve.
- I don't think Behrad
will be joining us.
He is hiding in bed.
- Oh, just like he spent
most of his teenage years.
- Ew.
- No. Not like that.
He just didn't want
to be on camera.
So we had to recast him.
- You recast your own brother?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let us pray.
Our [bleep]
who art in [bleep],
hallowed be thy [bleep].
Thy [bleep] come,
thy [bleep] be done--
- [tapping on glass]
Beautiful words.
Uh, Aves,
I just want to say thank you
for this beautiful meal.
- You're welcome.
- Fake.
[tires screeching]
- Excuse me?
- You know, I think that this
is now a wonderful opportunity
to bring up the plan
with regards
to what Miss Lance promised me.
- What is he talking about?
- She promised me
that I could save one life,
and that life...
is Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
♪
By preventing the assassination
of Archduke Franz Ferdinand,
we shall prevent
the entire Great War.
♪
- How dare you misrepresent me?
You led me to believe
that you wanted to save
one inconsequential person
from the timeline,
not your entire generation.
No, thank you.
Babe, listen to me.
You know I would never promise
something like that,
and he is clearly a liar.
- I am not a liar.
- I am not talking to you.
- That's it!
I am done cleaning up
after you, after all of you!
I am not the den mother.
And would you put
some clothes on?
- Ah!
- Oh, my--
- Look what you did.
Ava, wait!
- But a promise is a promise.
- Perfect.
Oh, let's really
turn the heat up.
I want to see them rip
each other's limbs off.
- So, Spooner...
- Mm?
- Whose faction
did you decide to join--
Nate or Zari's?
- Mm.
- Oh, my gosh.
You're trying
to team up against me?
Well, good luck getting anyone
on your side.
- Oh, my God,
you're such a backstabber.
Nobody wants to be
on your side.
- Everyone's on my side.
- No.
All you ever do is talk crap
about my Zari.
and that woman's a saint!
- They both make good points,
but just know that
whichever alliance I join,
I promise I will betray it.
- You know what?
Since we're already in hell,
there's only one way
to settle this.
- This is
the weirdest vibe yet.
What--what's going on?
- Well, Nate doesn't want
to move into the totem.
- She called you ugly.
That's not true.
I totally want to live
in the totem with you.
And also, I believe
she's trying to sleep with me.
- Oh, my God.
- Upstairs she said that to me.
- Hey.
Are we in hell right now?
- Uh, yeah,
and we're all under the effects
of a demon's reality show.
- Huh. Okay.
That, uh--that makes sense.
- It does?
- Yeah, because I have the
uncontrollable urge to do this.
- Oh!
How could I?
- Babe, I'm really sorry.
Okay?
I just really needed a break
and have a reset
and swim with dolphins, babe.
- Would you stop
with the vacation?
- This is divine punishment!
- Enough!
This is exactly what he wants!
You're all complete idiots!
We're getting out of here!
Gideon, I need your brain!
Put on the colander!
We will figure out
an exorcism topside!
- Excellent.
You should all simply pile
into Gwyn's
ramshackle time contraption,
and I'll take you out of here.
It'll be a breeze.
- A breeze? No!
She'll kill us all!
[dramatic music]
♪
I've been trying to tell you
s-she's not herself.
She'll time jump us
into a tornado.
- Gary,
don't do anything crazy.
- I'm trying to save your life,
so help me [bleep].
I'll eat this.
- Eat?
♪
all: No!
- Get back here!
Gary! Gary!
[all shouting]
[ethereal whooshing]
♪
[all shouting]
- [growling]
- Get him.
[all shouting]
♪
[indistinct arguing]
- Wow, sounds really tense
down there, huh?
- Back off.
Those are my friends.
- Yeah, of course.
Your friends who love you.
You know, they sure could use
a chill and cool Behrad
right about now
to calm things down.
- So I'm just gonna be
that guy forever?
- Well, the real question is,
who are you without this?
And who would want to hang out
with this mess?
♪
- [groans softly]
- Let's slice him open.
- [screams]
[indistinct shouting]
[upbeat music]
- Get him!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go!
♪
- Aah!
- [squeals]
- [gasps]
- You guys want to make asses
of yourselves for the cameras?
Is that what you want?
[dramatic music]
- Because I know
what it gets you.
I have countless memories
of cameras in my face,
every time I was scared,
every time I cried.
You want to know about
the first time I ever failed?
Don't worry.
"Keeping Up With The Tarazis"
had a whole episode about it!
I figured out the way
to beat it
was to be unflappable, chill.
Pop a gummy, lay low,
relax.
If they don't see
it get to you,
they don't have the power.
But...
it gets to me.
A lot of things do.
I'm sad sometimes.
I'm scared a lot.
I died,
and I never talked about it...
♪
Because maybe I'm afraid
if I'm honest with anyone,
they'll end up hating me.
♪
All I wanted to do
was ask you out,
and now I'm crying
for all of hell to see
and laugh at me...
for my friends to realize
they never knew the real me...
♪
And for the girl I like
to run far away from me.
But I'm done now.
Here's the honest truth.
When it comes to you, Astra...
I lose all my cool.
♪
I'm just B.
- [laughs] Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Whoa.
[shouts]
♪
- Oh! Oh.
- Aah!
It's gone.
Ah, my shows!
[remote thuds loudly]
What happened?
♪
- He got real.
- Is it over?
- The curse is lifted.
Your contract with Harris
is terminated.
Get the hell out of here.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Gideon?
Are you in there?
♪
- Gary, I'm so sorry.
♪
- Here, babe, let me do this.
- No. It's all right.
- It's not,
and I know it's not.
Look, even when my brain
was on a vacation episode
of "The Real Housewives,"
I knew you were right.
♪
- Go on.
♪
- I let you take on
too much responsibility
for the mission,
and it's not fair.
You are not the house mom,
you are the co-captain...
and a very beautiful, sexy...
co-captain.
♪
- So when were you going to
tell me about this promise
that you made to Gwyn, hmm?
- Pardon the intrusion, ladies.
But, uh, if you are attending
the, uh, mea culpas,
then I have to admit that I got
a little carried away.
I'm not very well acquainted
with the rules
of time travel yet,
but even I know
that one cannot simply stop
the Great War.
- [sighs] I'm sorry, Gwyn.
But I will uphold my promise,
all right?
We're gonna find a way
to save your guy...
as cleanly as possible.
No timeline explosions.
- [exhales deeply]
- I guess it is sweet
you were both looking out
for me.
- Girl, of course.
- Look, I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you, and I cannot wait
to live with you.
- I know. Besides, you know
how many aunties
are very psyched
for your arrival?
- Mm.
- Mm.
Which reminds me, I, uh--
I got to get back.
You are going to stay
and apologize to each other.
Yeah? By the way, sorry about
the whole wine thing.
Okay, bye.
both: I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Is it--
Honestly, the voice was a lot--
- My voice?
You can't be serious right now
with what--
both: All is forgiven.
[soft music]
♪
- How did you know that would
work with the camera guys?
- Uh, didn't, just wanted
to say how I felt.
- Right. Yeah, the reality show
made everyone say crazy things.
- Not me.
That was genuine--
a genuine full-blown freak-out
in front of the hot girl
I've had a crush on forever.
♪
- Well, who knows?
Maybe that girl
has a little crush on you, too.
♪
- I'm sorry.
I'm just in my own head.
- Is, uh, something wrong?
Don't you want to?
- Oh, I want to, really bad.
But I might need a minute
to figure out what being
unchill and sober is like
before I'm the best boyfriend
you ever had.
[both chuckle]
- If you want to go slow,
that's cool.
♪
- You know you guys
are so dorky?
- Oh.
- Spooner, the cameras
are gone.
- Oh. You know,
I got so comfortable,
I didn't even realize it.
- House meeting!
- Just--
Clothes, Spooner, clothes.
- House meeting, everyone!
- Sure, why not?
- Gary,
the reality show's over.
- Yes, and I, for one,
am very pleased.
You call that entertainment?
- No, I don't.
No, we're having
this house meeting
because there are apologies
that need to happen.
- Gary, it's okay.
Gwyn and Sarah and I
talked it out.
- Yeah, and Nate and I
are besties again.
- No, apologies to me
and Gideon, you jerks.
She wouldn't have had to switch
over to robo mode
if you guys didn't make
her second-guess herself
and then make her feel guilty
about our relationship!
- Thank you, Gary.
[serious music]
I've noticed
that you've all found love
in some of the most chaotic
of times,
and you've still done your jobs
with terrific aplomb.
So, you know,
the fact that you think
that Gary and I
cannot find comfort
in each other's sweet embrace,
it's a bit hypocritical.
♪
- Um...
yeah, actually, you're--
you're completely right.
And we're sorry.
- Yeah. We're sorry.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- We're sorry.
- It's quite nice
feeling emotional again.
It's like a warm
and gooey feeling
as opposed to a cold
and calculated urge to murder.
- Say what?
- I'm just kidding.
I'm quite funny, actually.
[laughter]
- So funny.
- But, hey, since you are
a part of this team
and a supercomputer,
so you tell us,
where do you think
we should go?
- I'm glad you asked, Captain,
because I've given it
much tactical
and emotional consideration,
and I think I want to trust
my gut, as us humans say,
and my gut is telling me
to plot a course
for Sarajevo in 1914.
We need to save
Archduke Franz Ferdinand
and stop World War I.
[laughter]
all:
What?
- Greg, move your head.