Legends of Tomorrow (2016–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Satanist's Apprentice - full transcript

Look out, world.
I have arrived.

Twenty-five quid.

Oh... Uh...

I've got... two.

That will get you this.

No money, no ride.

Just get me to my house.
There's money there and I can...

Out.

Can I ask what your business is?

I reckon you're selling something
if you came all the way out this way.

I... came from over there.



Oh, I see...

Oh, I'm glad the owner
finally got a housekeeper.

If you've got reasonable rates,

me and the missus
could use a hand at ours.

I've a collection of Bethany fixtures
which need constant dusting...

- What's your name, sir?
- Robert Truss. From number 220.

Well, Robert.
I'm not the help. I live here.

We're neighbors.

Oh!

That's a good one, yes.

Oh, you're serious.

But, that can't be. I mean, you living
in an upstanding community such as this.

You don't know anything about me.

I know the kind of people who do
live here and you are not the type.



Oh, really?

So what "type" am I exactly?

What about me doesn't
fit in with you upstanding residents?

Is it because I'm tall?
Or female? Or Black?

You stay back. I'll not be threatened
this way in my own neighborhood.

And I won't be treated
like a criminal in mine.

There you are!

I have got a list
of things I need you to fix,

starting with punishing
your racist neighbor.

You'll have to be more specific, love,
and I am on the clock.

I got a bloke in an alien costume
with another alien inside him

and I've got to prep
my gut for a purging spell.

Damn it!

Please get me out of this
meat-fumed atrocity!

What do you mean? You don't want any
special sauce with that big bang burger?

Hold it right there.

- Hey, girl!
- Hey.

John, where's your washing machine?

I don't need one.

You see, my clothes are bewitched to
clean themselves whenever they see fit.

Your clothes
have thoughts, that's kind of hot.

Creepy...

I also need the Internet.

Yes... the Internet...

I will get right to that.

I will whip up a spell in no time.
I just...

- I've got to get...
- John...

Something with... Yeah.

You and your
empty promises, John.

Yes, I am a US citizen,
but my mother was from Northumberland

so I'm practically a local.

My background check says I'm only 15?

Okay, yeah, that's because I spent
my adolescence in another dimension

where time works differently so...

Hello?

Oh, God!

Oh, good, you're back.
I need you to fix the kitchen sink and...

What are you wearing?

Have you seen my emergency
pack of smokes?

I knew that
I left them here somewhere.

No. I still need the Internet
and a job and... food, apparently.

Living topside takes work, love.

- But you do everything with magic.
- Which is work!

Bollocks!

There you are.

Oh, thank you!

How about a spell to fix the sink?

Oh, come on,
you've got to be kidding me!

You try getting a job when your last
employers were the Triumvirate of Hell!

Give me my power back or I'll have your
blood drained to fill my swimming pool!

I miss my blood pool.

Sterling silver...

European enamelware.

Hundred-year-old designer luggage. Okay.

Huh. Bethany table lamp.

Sorry I never learned
to read music like you, Mom.

- My, how the mighty have fallen.
- Hello?

- Who said that?
- Back right corner, my lady.

Further right.

Almost there...

And now you've got it.

Who are you?

Aleister Crowley, at your service.

But enough about me.
My concern is for you, dear girl.

What's become
of the notorious Astra Logue?

- You know who I am?
- Of course I do.

You are the woman who clawed
her way to the tops of Tartarus.

Looks like you've
discovered the hard way

that you can't take
that power with you, eh?

In some ways, it's easier in Hell
because there aren't any rules.

But here there are so many and following
them isn't getting me anywhere. It's...

humiliating.

A powerful queen
has become a helpless princess

and Hell is lesser for it.

Look who's talking!

A renowned warlock, Satanist

and alien enthusiast
trapped in a portrait.

Touché, my lady.

That scoundrel, John Constantine,

summoned me from Hell
to learn my secrets.

And when he was done with me,

he banished me
into this blasted painting

and tossed me into
this rubbish heap. Hmph!

Yeah, that sounds about right.

John made me promise to give living
like a normal human being an honest go.

But he did not prepare me
for how hard it would be up here.

This house is falling apart,
I'm completely broke.

And I don't know how to fix any of it.

Master Constantine
has neutered us both, hasn't he?

But your predicament
is easily rectified.

A simple set of spells will give you
the power to change things around here.

- I can teach you how, if you'd like.
- You're offering to teach me magic?

It would be my greatest honor.

The infamous Sara Lance.
I've been waiting a long time for you.

So you must be the all-powerful
space lord behind all of this.

When you put it that way,
I sound like a super-villain.

Such a bummer.

Not at all my speed.

Oh!

But I have been waiting
a long time to meet you, Sara.

Is it okay if I call you that?

I feel like I've known you
my whole life.

Like we're old friends.
Simpatico. Dancing to the same drummer.

Who the hell are you?

My name... is Bishop.

But that means literally nothing, right?

You've never heard of me.

There's no context
for that label, whatsoever, but...

Who am I to you?

Ooh, you were stung by a Zaguron.

Its venom has almost reached your heart.

You've got about
ten seconds before it's lights out.

You'll have come
all this way for nothing

and you'll die
with no answers as to why. So...

Who am I to you?

I'm the man who's
going to save all of humanity.

Starting with you and this antidote.

Five, four, three...

To you

To you

And to this great big universe
We're spiraling through...

We're spiraling through...
Through...

No, no, no, don't struggle.
Your muscles need time to adjust.

- What is that stuff?
- Medicine to vitalize your organs.

The transition can be tough.

- Bishop saved your life.
- I don't want anything from him.

Get me out of here.

How's our patient this morning,
Nurse Ava?

Pissed off and calculating
the different ways she can kill you.

- Back to her old self.
- Perfect.

I've got
the presentation all ready for her.

Let me go.

But you haven't even seen the pitch yet.

A/VAva worked on it for days.

She'll be crushed if you
don't give it even just a little peek.

Our planet was perfection.

It had everything
carbon-based life forms

needed to coexist in harmony with nature

and each other.

But humanity would not be satisfied.

Human greed destroyed Earth
and all who lived there.

Everyone perished.

Except for one man.

Me!

As a pioneer in bio-engineering,
the founder of A-V-A Corp

and the designer,
creator of the Ava clone,

I alone have the knowledge
and means to restart humanity...

in the stars.

The problem with Earth
wasn't its finite resources,

the problem was man, which is why
I'm creating a new version of mankind.

One with a body that can withstand
the harsh conditions of our new home

and with a spirit to adapt
and thrive under any circumstance.

That is a terrible plan.

You can't save humanity

by creating a bunch
of monster people like Amelia Earhart.

No one gets it right
out of the gate, okay?

But I have perfected a process

of enhancing human capabilities
by adding extraterrestrial DNA.

I just needed
the raw materials to work with.

That was what was in those other pods.

And that's why you
kidnapped me to be raw material?

Well, if that's the case
then here you go...

There's your raw material,
now take me home.

Ugh. Don't sell yourself
so short, sweet cheeks.

You're here... to be my partner.

These new humans need
to be taught to have a fighter spirit.

That's where you come in, Sara Lance.

You want me to teach
your hybrids to be badasses?

To be their trainer?

Who better to imbue those qualities
than you, the woman who can't be killed?

There you go.

- I know it's a lot to take in, sweetie.
- Don't call me that, ever.

Right. Because of the bossy Ava
you're attached to, back on Earth?

She's not "Bossy Ava."

She's Ava and she's human
and she has her own thoughts.

You may believe that,

but all Avas have
affinities and weaknesses

that I built into
their genetic blueprint.

Hey...

You found and fell in love
with one of my greatest accomplishments.

It's as though the
universe knew to bring us together.

You're a sick son of a bitch.

Think about my offer.

We've got all 15 seasons
of Wynonna Earp cued up for you, so...

Take all the time you need

Season two's my favorite.

Here you go.

Transformation is the most vital
cornerstone of the dark arts.

To do this spell, twist your wrist
in the direction of the object

and visualize what you want
your object to change into.

Little more fluid...

That's almost it. Try again...

Just tell me the damn words.

Permuto!

Permuto!

My stars! You're a natural.

Well, my mother was a powerful witch.

Well, you've
made her proud, dear girl.

Smashing job. But that was an easy one.

You know, "permuto"
has several meanings in Latin.

One is "to transform,"
but the other is "to exchange."

If you provided an able body
with whom I could change places,

I'd be able to teach you
with greater expediency.

So, some poor fellow will be trapped
in the painting and you'd have a body

you could use to stab me in the back.

- Nice try.
- I wouldn't dream of it.

No, I promise the spell is easy to do
and easy to undo if you so wish.

So, it's the same spell,
just a different intention?

If I could nod,
that's what I'd be doing right now.

All we need is a body for me to borrow.

Astra? You home, love?

What's all this?
What the hell is he doing down here?

I'm teaching this
brilliant young lady how to use magic.

Like you said, John.

Life topside takes work
and this is me getting to it.

Magic is a slippery slope.
All right, love?

Your mother knew that
and that's why she got out of it.

I mean, she left me
because I wouldn't give it up.

She wouldn't want this
for you, all right?

You don't get to speak for her
or tell me how to live my life.

- Well, you are in my home, aren't you?
- Okay, so now this is your house.

I mean, how about
when it was falling apart

and the bills weren't being paid.
Was it your house then too?

God, you're such
an insufferable hypocrite.

She's got you there, old chap.

Sneaky old bastard,
preying on her desperation.

Whose fault was that?

- You're a vile old snake.
- Unhand me you fiend.

I should've locked you in the cellar
where no could've found you...

Put him down. Put him down!

Permuto!

What the bloody hell?

My word!

It actually worked.

- Brilliant job, dear girl.
- Astra, put us back!

Permuto!

Oh, damn!

Easy to do, easy to undo.

- Oh, Astra, don't...
- Permuto!

Astra!

Astra, undo this right now.

Crowley is dangerous.
He can't be trusted.

Bravo, dear girl! Bravo to you!

Here's the deal, you have 12 hours
to stretch your legs and teach me magic.

Twelve hours and then
back into the painting.

If you do
one unsanctioned spell, it is over.

You got me?

Like the clap, my lady.
Now, let's get to work, shall we?

While studying the secrets of Egypt,
I learned that sorcery requires a...

fruitful imagination.

One must find potential in the dullest
of things to be truly magnificent.

Mmm.

Finally!

Oh, my!

There you are, killer.

I have never seen anyone
take to the dark arts with such ease.

Your natural talents are unparalleled.

No one likes a kiss-ass, Aleister,
and I'm not extending your parole.

Understood, my lady.

What happened to my money?

Oh, dear girl, you didn't think
that treasure was real, did you?

These transformations
are but glamour, a trick.

They're effective in deception,
but temporary by nature.

So, everything I just made,
the money, these clothes...

Will disappear before your very eyes.

Such are the rules
of beginner-level magic.

What if I level up?

No, no, no, no, no. You're not ready.

It takes ruthlessness and concentration
unlike any you can muster.

Oh, Al, you clearly don't know me.

Time for your check-up.

Hmm.

Vitals are good.

Just gonna check your mobility.

So, are you an Earper for Life yet?

Oh, yeah, I'm digging it.
You were totally right about season two.

They really figured out
what the show was and they went with it.

Well, I really hope you are a WayHaught
shipper, because if you aren't...

Listen to me carefully.
You're gonna take me out of here

and help me find a power source
to fuel my ship. Understood?

I can't do that.
It's not in my DNA to disobey.

That's just what he wants you to think.

Look, the only thing
that's holding you back is you.

And you, with that thing at my throat.

Just promise
you'll help me escape.

Go ahead and kill me.

I'm disposable. He'll have
another Nurse Ava ready by lunch.

You are a human being!

You have a soul!

You can decide for yourself
what's right and what's wrong.

Look, Bishop may have created you,
but he doesn't control you.

Well, at least I can verify
that your mobility is working very well.

Back to bed, you.

Ava...

Please, just think about what I said.

Astra, don't fall for his tricks.

He's too dangerous to be out and about.

Why do you think I trapped him
in a bloody painting,

instead of sending him back to Hell?

He will go back into the painting
as soon as I get what I want.

What, magic power?
Astra, you don't need it, love.

Start from the bottom
and work your way up

like everyone else.

I am not like everyone else, John.

My bottom was a little deeper
than everyone else's,

but at least down in Hell, I was a boss.

A ruler and richer than God.

Do you have any idea
how hard I worked to get there?

To go from being that traumatized,
terrified little girl with nothing

to a queen?

I won't go back to nothing, John.
I can't.

John, are you meddling?

Astra, please switch us back.

I didn't realize
how hard it was for you.

I thought you had everything in hand.
I promise, I'll help you.

John and his empty promises.

Shall I remove the distraction?

Be nice, hmm, ish.

Don't worry, I know exactly
where to place him.

You're a right bastard, Aleister.

Trapping you in a painting was merciful.

It should have been the loo.

You're not so tough now,
are you, my boy?

How does it feel to be powerless?

To find yourself stripped of
everything you ever worked for?

Astra and I have both felt that sting,
but now we will be unstoppable.

I can finally complete my search
for the Fountain of Imperium,

out there in the heavens.

Don't wrap her up in your mad theories
of alien magic.

The Fountain is real...

and with my loyal protege at my side,

I will finally possess it.

Now...

let's bring you up to your
final resting place, shall we, Johnny?

Oh, no!

Finally, we're here.

You'd think at least one of us
would have this address memorized.

What? John always zaps us
in and out of here.

Speaking of, where is he?

- John?
- What are you all doing here?

We're out of the Timeship
and we need a place to regroup.

Walking around Northumberland for hours
trying to find this house.

Now is really not a good time.

See, I'm in the middle of something
and I just...

- Ooh, are you expecting someone?
- Is it a date? Are you dating?

I'm starved, y'all.
What is there to eat?

I'll make something.

Astra, where's your Wi-Fi router?
I need to hook up Gideon.

Ooh, what you making?
Something with ferret liver extract?

- You all need to leave, now!
- And gangrene oil?

Astra, your router.

There's nothing in the fridge. It's sad.

You won't like me when I'm hangry.

You don't have your phone?

Permuto!

Wow!

Sorry, guys.

Astra,
what have you done?

I'll turn you back as soon as I'm done.

I promise.

- Let go!
- Am I a flip phone?

Hey, let go!

Astra!

Miss Logue, I've got that chatterbox
John Constantine up in the attic.

Distraction is the enemy
of accomplishment.

No distractions here.
Let's make some real power.

We'll first create a magical
energy-containing amulet.

Yes, yes.

Brilliant work, my lady.

Your amulet is ready to be charged.

There's only one thing powerful enough
to sustain this amulet...

- a human soul.
- Great.

I've got Christopher Columbus, Ed Gein.

No, we'll need a live human soul.
From a beating heart.

You conveniently left that off
the ingredient list.

As queen of Hell, you spent millions
of souls like they were pennies.

What's one more
before it goes down below, eh?

You said you wanted power.
This is the price.

Hi, Robert. It's Astra Logue,
your neighbor.

Anyway, I was cleaning out my attic,
and wouldn't you know it,

I uncovered a Bethany lamp.

I know you have a collection, so
why don't you come by and take a look?

Wonderful, see you soon.

Astra, are you really luring

an unsuspecting neighbor over
so you can steal his soul?

My unsuspecting racist neighbor?
Yeah, I sure am.

If y'all got a Proud Boy
who needs talkin' to, let me at him.

I'll fork his eyes out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No one is going to do anything.

Astra, using humans as currency
is wrong, remember?

Ow!

Captain,
what did you do with John?

Who's this weirdo possessing his body?

John is fine.
Just, leave me alone.

And let you backslide?
You've come a long way since Hell.

You're one of us now.

Yeah,
I don't think she wants to be

grouped with the household objects,

- Cheese.
- Not helping, Z.

Think about what you're doing,
Astra. That guy is a human being.

He is a jerk. His soul is going to
end up in Hell anyway.

I'm not worried about his soul.
I'm worried about yours.

Stay out of my way.

Astra, wait.

A little late for a check-up,
isn't it?

I would have come sooner,

but I had to wait until
Bishop danced himself to sleep.

I want to help you.

You do?

What you said to me earlier
really struck a nerve.

We are human, we do have souls,

and wants, and dreams, and opinions.

What Bishop is doing here...
is an abomination.

I knew there was some of that
real Ava spirit in you.

All right, the ship that I crashed in,
it isn't far from here.

We just need to find something
to power it up.

I brought you a fuel cell.

Look at you, thinking ahead.

Let's go.

It's much tidier in here
than I thought it would be.

You cleaned up well, too.

Charming how you changed for company.

Playing posh, eh?

Here's the lamp. What do you think?

Floral mosaic, favrile glass.

It's not in stellar condition...

Yo! You can still back out.

- You say something?
- No, must be a draft.

Really think about
what you're doing, Astra.

- Hey!
- There's that noise again.

He's a fussy grandpa,
he's not worth it.

Excuse me, while I'm just gonna
tidy up a little bit.

That condescending snob
is not helping his own case.

I think you've
left the telly on.

Maybe, I'm just gonna go check.

Hey, put me down.

What a splendid specimen.

His bitter soul will more than suit
our purposes.

Just tell me what to do!

Hold it up to his heart

and it will leech his very soul
from his mortal coil.

Great.

I hope Earl Grey is okay.

Hmm. Yes, that'll do.

Ah...
Let's talk about price, eh?

I was thinking 50 pounds
to take it off your hands.

Fifty? That lamp is an antique,
Mr. Truss.

Oh, I know. But what would someone
like you want with a dusty old lamp?

Fine, fine, 75 then.

But you better clean it up for me first.
It's filthy!

To be honest,

I was thinking of making you pay
a lot more than that.

What's all this, then?

Damn it. Get out of here,
Mr. Truss. Now.

All right, I'll go to 80.
But that's my last offer. I...

Who the bloody hell are you?

No!

That's it, Crowley.

Time for you
to go back to where you came from.

Permuto!

Those parlor tricks
are no match for my newfound power.

I'm terribly
disappointed in you, dear girl.

I'd hoped
that you'd make yourself a Queen again.

But all you really wanted was
a "Dark Prince" to come and save you.

Sadly...

you're just another "Helpless Princess."

Hello!

Why, oh, why
Must I be forced to sing

Ooh!

Pity.

You would've made a smashing evil witch.

Your very harsh words
They hold no sway!

Sure, you can run
But you won't get away!

And are you going to stop me
all by yourself?

Annoying Legends
I tried to hide

So glad they're here
They'll fight by my side!

Get him!

Charge!

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew! Pew! Pew!

Legends, roll out.

Num, num, num, num!

- Vámonos!
- This guy. Ho!

Hi-yah!

Impressive, my lady.

Transforming your friends into objects!

Lucky for me, their souls will infuse
even more power into my amulet.

Now, out of my sight.

Whoa!

Ugh.

Oh, how will I ever
Flee from...

Nope, sorry! No more singing!

Oi!
What the hell has Crowley done?

Since we're all trapped
in a bloody cartoon,

I'm guessing he's betrayed you
and is about to gain untold power.

Oh, John, whatever shall I do?

That evil wizard is much too powerful.

He has the Legends at his mercy!

He's got the Legends?

He'll kill them all.
They're doomed unless you stop him!

I'm afraid I don't know how!

Astra, listen to me.

Years ago, your mum created
a powerful cleansing spell.

Like an enema for magic.

It expels all sorcery from the vicinity.

There wasn't any reason to use it...
until now.

Goodness me,

why would she ever create such a spell?

For me.

If I ever went too far.

Those days, I was reckless.

She was afraid I'd overdose,
so she created the spell as a failsafe.

I reckon it's somewhere
among her things.

You don't suppose it's in
this charming little book, do you?

Of course, Natalie's music notebook.

The spell must be a song.

Goodness gracious, I found it!

Oh, fiddlesticks!

My mother never taught me
how to read music.

Wait, I can read the music.

But how? I never could before.

Because every cartoon princess
knows how to sing, love.

You unlocked the door.

That ain't the first lock
I've ever picked.

Now come on, Princess,
we've got some saving to do.

You won't
get away with this.

Oh, I think I will.

Hold still my friend.
This won't hurt... much.

Rest your head

Astra?

It's time to sleep

Dreams are calling

Count the sheep

Lie in bed

Turn off the lights

So we can spy

That spell.

The starry night

It's making me weak.

The moon is bright

In the sky

Close your eyelids

Say goodbye

Put your troubles

In the ground

You'll be with me

Safe and sound

Oh, no!

Rest your head

It's time to sleep

Dreams are calling

Count the sheep

No!

- It worked.
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I never thought I'd be so happy
to see this coat again.

You guys okay?

So glad to have my arms back.

So over being cheese.
That smell was getting aggressive.

Yeah, I was gonna say something.

Yo, why was I a fork?

- So... How about that Bethany lamp?
- Get out!

Who are these people?

These are my friends,
and this is my house.

Now, get out.

You can't just leave me here, John.

I know what that spell did to you...
and I can help.

Out there in the cosmos,
in the Great Beyond,

there's an unlimited source of power.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go again,

yammering on about
the Fountain of Imperium.

The Fountain is out there.

It's a well of unexplored,
untapped and unstoppable magic.

We could work together,
brothers in arms.

Just don't put me away again.

Yeah, so long, Master Crowley.

No, I ask you to reconsider.
I'll do anything,

I'll do the dusting,
I'll polish your boots.

I don't think that's gonna be enough.

Well, it was enough

until you set him free
with your bloody meddling.

If you had helped out with the house,
and the bills, and the damn Internet,

then Crowley wouldn't have been able
to get his hooks in.

You know, you're right.

It was my fault you
sought out Crowley's help.

I should have listened, rather than
being stuck in my own bloody world.

And I wasn't ready for how hard
it would be up here.

I felt like that lost the little girl in
Hell all over again,

completely powerless.

You wouldn't understand.

Actually, I do.

Your mom's expulsion spell,

let's just say that
it was... pretty effective.

It didn't just strip Crowley
of his powers.

John, I...

I knew very well what the spell
would do. It had to be done.

Listen, Astra,
magic takes a lot of patience.

There are no shortcuts, love.

But seeing as I have

to start from the bottom,
and work my way up,

how's about you and I do it together?

All right, see you later, study buddy.

You're right. We just need to connect
the fuel cell to the ship's mainframe.

What did you do?

What I had to... He's my maker.

Sara.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm not only disappointed
because our time together

obviously meant nothing to you,

but also because you didn't realize
that this fuel cell

is just my sleepy wakey nightlight.

So soothing, right?

I'm gonna be honest.

I actually needed you to lead me
to the location of this ship

so I could retrieve
the rest of my cargo.

Good luck with that
because I ejected all of them

into the deep void of outer space.

Sara Lance.

It's called data redundancy.

Those capsules not only kept you safe
during transport,

they also extracted DNA samples...

from each and every one of you.

I prefer to have live creatures
to work with but this...

is the next best thing.

What the mother...

That was quite an adventure
we had out in the woods.

I think we had a real breakthrough,
you and I.

We are closer than ever, now.

Some may even say... inseparable.