Legends of Tomorrow (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Hell No, Dolly! - full transcript

Previously on
"Legends of Tomorrow"...

An unknown number of other
dangerous magical beings

got spat out across the timeline
and now must be sent to hell.

Your shapeshifting days
are over, sweetheart.

No!

Is that a Kaupe?

This is a prison, Mona.

And they are our prisoners.

Not our friends.

People around me
get hurt, killed,

or far, far worse.



But you can't mess
with your past.

Dez.

Order up.

Next one.

Oi, oi!

Wake up, John-O.

Piss off, will you?

Oh, not today, you lying geezer!

What the...

Now, you said that

my shapeshifting days were over.

You call that abomination
shapeshifting, do you?

Well, if I can shift at all,

that means that your spell
is reversible.



You see, that's where
you're wrong, sweetheart.

There's no taking it back.

Smart man like you, John-O,

you can figure it out.

Yeah, well...

mortal life is full
of disappointments.

Best get used to it, love.

It's all right.

That's all right.

You know how I survived
in the prison dimension?

Trading favors.

Now, sooner or later,

you're gonna need
something from me.

Then we'll talk, chum.

Thanks for staying
at my place this time.

Oh, I love sleeping next to you.

I just wish that your place
didn't mean

sharing a bathroom with...

Beer.

- Yes, Garima.
- Beer.

It's the only word
Rory taught her.

Wait, Rory's still using
Brigid's diary?

That thing is an ancient
magical artifact.

Yeah, but it keeps him happy.

Sara, be reasonable.

You can't let Rory
keep the diary.

I see you've met Garima.

What she lacks in vocabulary

she makes up for in personality.

And everyone knows
that a happy Mick

is better for the entire ship.

Whoa.

Oh.

- Killer 'stache.
- Interesting.

You think?

I had Gideon stimulate
my hair follicles

to grow it overnight.

I read in one of Nora's letters

that she had a thing
for mustaches, so I...

Sorry, but how are
we all being so blasé

about the diary?

What if Rory goes from writing
sci-fi to horror?

Do you want killer clowns
running around the ship?

The only killer on this ship

is the amount of sugar
in this cereal.

"Big Easy-O's"?

They taste like beignets.

So sweet it makes
your lips pucker.

- Oh!
- There's a quiz on the back.

Who is the most prolific
serial killer

in the United States?

Ted Bundy.

Although in my opinion
John Wayne Gacy

had way more victims
than he confessed.

What?

Everyone has their hobbies.

Well, sorry, Ava,
but according to

this not-so-kid-friendly cereal,

is answer is New Orleans' own
Marie Laveau.

What?

A high-profile
female serial killer?

No, I would have heard of her.

The box is wrong.

Unless...

Gideon?

You are correct, Captain.

It appears a Fugitive
is on the loose

in New Orleans in 1856.

According to local lore,

there were a series of murders

perpetrated by a criminal

who could walk through walls.

Sounds like we're
going mindhunting

in the Big Easy.

Gideon, plot a course.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne
== https://subscene.com ==

Ah...

Ow...

Ugh.

Unbelievable.

You just ran into my car,
earmuffs.

But your car...

This scratch will easily
cost you a couple hundos.

You want me to pay for it?

Yes.

No worries, sir.

I can have the money tomorrow.

They really need to stop

giving delivery girls drive-ons.

I'm actually
Assistant Coordinator

of Creature Upkeep.

Ahoy, matey.

It seem to be pirate day
once again, ya scurvy wench.

Argh.

Argh.

Don't be late again
or Ava will give you

another peg leg.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Catch-a-Predator,
what was that?

Well, that, my fellow
rebound artist,

- was flirting.
- Oh, Gary.

That was not flirting.

- No.
- What do you mean?

I mean, I made extended
eye contact,

picked up on some
personal information,

and then I negged her.

All right, don't tell me
you're falling for this, like,

Neanderthal misogynistic
dating advice.

You're a modern man
surfing the sexual spectrum.

Just be cool and ask her out.

Or, and I'm just
spitballing here,

you can ask her out for me.

This isn't high school.

Oh, sorry.

High school's a bit
of a trigger word for me.

Wow. You are really broken.

Okay, look, I will...

I'm not gonna ask her out.

But I will do some recon.

You'll be my time-bro wingman?

See, you do things like that,

and it makes it very hard
to help you, Gary.

All right, Legends.

Next stop, "N'awlins."

We have a Fugitive serial
killer, and it's a weird one.

Yeah, it says here
that all of the victims

were wealthy blonde ladies

stabbed to death
inside their locked bedrooms.

Spooky.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Blondes killed in locked rooms.

That's the MO of Mike the Spike.

Am I gonna find
a murder board in your closet?

New Orleans is a crap town.

Although anything's
better than that tush tickler.

This?

Well, the cops pinned it

on voodoo priestess
Marie Laveau,

one of the only women of color
with power living in 1856.

Surprise, surprise.

You stole my diary, weasel.

Oh, you mean the one
that you nicked from my trunk?

That one, eh?

- Gentlemen.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I "mustache" you both
to calm down.

Get out of my way,

otherwise I'll knock
that fur ball

off your lip.

I confiscated the diary.

It's Time Bureau property now.

Don't worry, Rory.

Garima will always be
right where she belongs.

In your imagination.

Garima...

Rory, look.

I'm sorry.

Ava was just doing her job,

which is exactly what
the rest of us need to do.

Ray, Mick, we're gonna protect

the Fugitive's first victim,

Miss Didi Charbonnet.

She's hosting a party
this afternoon.

John, I need you
to talk to Laveau.

Find out how she's mixed up
in all this.

I'll go with him. Yeah.

I love me some voodoo.

- Great.
- Zari, you're on their mission.

You can just say the B-team.

No, there's no...

There's no such thing as B-team.

But there is such thing
as an A-team.

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Belles calas, toutes chaudes!

Wow, this doesn't even
look like America.

Oh, it's not.

This is New Orleans, baby.

You've been here before?

After London,
best city in the world.

I mean, just look at this
hodgepodge of humanity.

It's the perfect place
to pick a face

and just have some fun.

John?

You okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just, uh...

This city just brings back
memories, is all.

Monsieur Constantine.

Would you come with me, please?

Yeah, I'm not really
in the habit

of going home
with strangers, mate.

At least not recently.

Ugh. Not again.

Oh, what...

Oh, no.

This is not good.

Bloody New Orleans!

Ah, Priestess Laveau.

Oh, cheers, love.

You saved me the trouble
of finding you.

That was a little
bit theatrical,

to be honest with you,
but then again,

I do appreciate a flair
for the dramatic.

Arretez.

You have something of mine.

Oh, I have no idea
what you're on about.

I felt its presence as soon
as you arrived in New Orleans.

This medallion honors
Saint Marron,

the patron saint
of runaway slaves.

Now, what do you know
about bondage, mon cher?

Buy me a pint at the local pub,

and I'll tell you
all about it, love.

You don't have to say a thing.

I am back, and it is time

for me to cook you breakfast.

One full English coming up.

Hey, Johnny.

Dez, you, uh...

you have to leave town.

This thing that's after me,

it's no ordinary demon.

This medallion has been
in my family for generations.

It's imbued with
a protection spell.

Take it, Johnny.

As long as you promise

to leave town.

It's just until I get this mess
sorted out, all right?

- All right.
- All right.

My great-great-grandson.

He must have loved you
to give you my medallion.

Did you love him?

Does anyone have eyes on
the Fugitive's first victim?

Annoying blonde in the middle.

That's Didi Charbonnet.

Good. Stay with her.

According to Gideon, the murder

is going to happen
within the hour.

What kind of Fugitive
stabs a woman?

I know a woman I could stab.

Rhymes with Shava.

Rory, play nice.

Don't worry, I can handle myself

against the cretin.

Whatever, man-pants.

Hey.

Look, I know you're mad
at Ava right now,

but she's right.

The diary is not a toy.

Garima helped me write.

Would you just try
to be nice to her, please?

For me?

Guys, keep an eye on
the creepy ginger by the door.

Copy that.

We have a possible
Fugitive alert.

Gideon, we can't find John,
and he's not on comms.

Mr. Constantine
has refused to wear

his communications device.

Stupid blighter.

However, Captain Lance requested

I fabricate a tracker

in every pair
of his undershorts.

That cheeky little minx.

Okay, great.

As soon as you trace him,
send us his location.

Tell me what happened
to my Desmond.

A demon.

Neron.

Dez was collateral damage.

Just go ahead and curse me,
all right?

'Cause I bloody deserve it.

Why would I curse the man

who could save the last
of my line?

You don't understand.

Dez is gone.

No amount of magic
can bring him back.

Save my kin.

Let him go!

Hey, hey,
that's a nice rescue, loves,

but, uh, Priestess Laveau and I

were just, uh, just having
a little chat, weren't we?

Now to our business.

Have you sensed any other magic
in your city

besides my own and theirs?

- I've sensed a spirit.
- A Dybbuk.

And, like you,
from another time.

What's a Dybbuk?

It's the dislocated soul
of a dead person.

Someone so wicked that their
spirit never crossed over.

- Sara?
- I don't think he's a Fugitive.

I think this guy's just
looking for the bathroom.

What's going on?

This doll...

is going to kill my mama.

This doll?

Sara, is it possible

that our Fugitive killer
is a possessed doll?

Horror movie 101.

Well, hello, dolly.

Wrong doll, ya dick!

Well, we'd best be going, then.

If we don't catch this Dybbuk

then the good people
of New Orleans

will blame you for its mayhem.

I believe...

this belongs to you,
Monsieur Constantine.

Guys, this Fugitive

we're looking for
is an evil spirit.

Crap.

Damn it, Ray,
where the hell are you?

Ray?

What happened?

Sara, any sign of the Fugitive?

I think we may have
a Chucky situation here.

What does that mean?

I reckon the Dybbuk
is in a doll.

Rory, Ava, Sara needs backup.

A word.

I'm all ears.

You, uh, still want
your powers back, yeah?

Come on then.

- All right.
- Come on, big guy.

Sara...

Oh, I had the weirdest dream.

I dreamed that

I was attacked by a... doll!

I'm gonna kill you, Goldilocks!

Agh!

You're late.

Still moving. Kill it!

No, no, no, no, no.

We need to question it
and find out

if it's really Mike the Spike.

Who are you?

Your worst nightmare.

Aloha.

I brought you some meat.

Oh, my cut.

Um...

I stupidly ran my bike

straight into
this guy's car door.

No.

No, he didn't look
before he opened the car door.

I know, I know.

I shouldn't have to pay, but...

I don't want to lose
the world's best job.

You're a really good
listener, you know that?

What happened?

Did someone hurt you?

So how does helping you
make me a shapeshifter again?

Well, it's simple, really.

If I never meet Desmond,

then this demon scum that's

after me doesn't hurt him,

which means that
my guilt-ridden ass

never joins the Legends
and doesn't turn up to London

to give you a magical lobotomy.

- Now...
- Simple.

Now, the me from five months ago

is having a drink in there.

Now, I'll recognize you
as Amaya.

All you have to do
is play the part, all right?

American accent,
stick up my bum,

and in love with Nate.

Do me a favor, just...

Make sure I get out of there

before I meet Dez, all right?

- All right.
- Okay.

I'll meet you back
on the jumpship, John-O.

All right, Charlie-O.

Good luck.

John?

As I live and breathe.

Amaya.

- Nice bonnet, love.
- Thank you.

Last I heard you were in,
uh, Zambesi.

So where's Nate and the rest
of the crew, then?

Oh, Nate, my boyfriend.

And my crazy gang
of best friends.

- Yeah.
- Oh, it is such a long story.

- Right.
- But a really good one.

How about I tell you
all about it

over a glass of chardonnay?

Chardonnay, eh?

All right, barkeep!

Uh, no, no, not here.

I... I know a better place.

All right, well,
you owe me dinner.

That is a fair price.

All right, go on.

Order up!

Hey, Mona.

How's life?
Liking the Time Bureau?

Settling in?
Dating anyone?

Uh, good, great, yes.

I mean, there is someone.

Lay it on Nate.

I think it might
be inappropriate.

'Cause I work here.

And he's here too?

Wow.

Exactly.

Yeah, I think I know
who you're talking about,

and trust me,
he has a crush on you too.

- He does?
- Mm-hmm.

I swore I was just imagining it.

We don't even, like,
speak the same language.

Well, he does have a unique way

of expressing himself.

I'm afraid people
would think it was weird.

I mean, that hair.

Well, he just needs
the right product.

What about the man meat?

- Um, well, what...
- What about it?

I think he's, you know...

Had some.

It wouldn't surprise me.

I mean, it's 2018.
I don't judge.

Mm, I should probably
forget about it.

No. Carpe datum.

What do you got to lose?

My job.

I will make sure
you're not fired

for following your heart.

Okay. I'll do it.

I'm gonna let him know
how I feel.

One thing I learned
from the Chucky movies

is the doll always comes back.

Gideon, how's the timeline?

History is on track,
and Marie Laveau

lived a long
and celebrated life,

inspiring an Emmy-nominated
portrayal

by Angela Bassett.

See? Rory killed the Dybbuk.

Which is unfortunate because

now I have to explain
to Mr. Heywood

why I'm bringing him
a seared doll

instead of a magical creature.

Well, at least
we get to find out

why they call it the Big Easy.

Did you happen to notice that
Rory robbed that party blind?

I believe it.

I don't understand why

you enable his bad behavior.

At the Bureau,
we would fire people

for lesser offenses.

Well, at the Bureau,

you don't have to eat, drink,
and sleep with your team.

Point taken.

It's just...
this is supposed to be

a professional operation, babe.

Look, deep down,
Rory's a good guy.

And, honestly, a friend.

I get it.

You run your team,
I'll run mine.

- Thank you.
- Speaking of,

I should get back to the Bureau.

How 'bout you stay for dinner?

I could use a shower.

Hmm.

It's not like that thing's
going anywhere.

So?

When are these changes
to history gonna set in?

'Cause you know I've got
some big plans.

I'm actually thinking
of Vegas first.

Well, time takes a moment
to cement,

or so I'm told enough by Sara.

But don't worry, love,

we'll have you shapeshifting
again in no time.

John-O? You all good?

We stopped me
from meeting Dez tonight,

but now I meet him
a few days later instead.

We have to go back.

I'm afraid returning
to New Orleans

is impossible,
Mr. Constantine.

And why is that?

Because I know you two
are up to something.

And as much as
I hate babysitting,

I hate being played even more.

Gideon, bring them back
to the Waverider.

They have some serious
explaining to do.

Here's one thing you need
to understand,

is that I don't go in
for all that love crap.

Romance is for little girls
crying into their pillows,

not for a devious tosser like me

who knows the score.

But then...

six months ago, I met him.

Desmond.

And that first night was like

a second line had marched
into my useless heart

and breathed some life
into it again.

Desmond knew who I was,

exactly what I'd done, and...

he didn't care.

So I was all in.

Rented an apartment.

And then this demon shows up.

Neron.

Wanted me to help him usurp

the triumvirate ruling hell.

Well, he must have had
something on you

to expect that.

The deed to my soul.

When I die, the bastard owns me.

And he's already
worked out lots of...

excruciating torments
for yours truly in the inferno.

So, naturally,
I told Neron to piss off.

Naturally.

I begged Dez to run.

I knew that Neron
would use him against me.

Johnny?

The bloody fool didn't listen.

So Neron...

dragged Dez to hell
because of me.

I didn't think there was a way
I could save him.

That's the thing
about time travel, right?

There's always a way.

I joined the Legends thinking
I could outrun my guilt,

but being back in New Orleans,
I realize...

I was just taking
the coward's way out.

So I had to save him.

So.

Now that you, uh,
know what we was up to,

uh, do you mind explaining
why it didn't work?

Some points in history
are fixed.

Maybe John and Desmond
were supposed to meet.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna do everything I can

to find a loophole
to save Desmond

and keep history intact.

You do that, love.

I know.

Um, an unscheduled visit.

It's good to see you too.

I brought you something.

Mm.

O...

Uh, "O... o mona...

ko'u inoa Mona."

O wai kou inoa?

Konane.

Konane.

Um...

"Shining like the moon."

That's a really pretty name.

Mona.

Yep. Yep.

That's me.

E holo a huna!

A huna!

Well, "a huna"...

Uh...

"Run and hide."

Is someone coming?

Mona.

Hello?

Is someone there?

Compelling story back there.

Still, you're hardly
the kind of guy to open up,

unless, of course,
you were stalling.

Well, you see,

magic has rules,
just like time travel,

and I just so happen
to write the book

on breaking them.

So, if meeting Desmond
is a fixed point in time,

then I need to go back
to after I met him.

Stop him from falling for me.

That's how I save
Desmond's life.

History be bloody damned.

Well, you went all-out.

What the hell is he doing here?

Leaving.

Wait.

Wait. Both of you.

Please look.

I roasted a roast.

Technically, Captain,
I fabricated...

Shut up, Gideon.

Ava, you are my love,

and Mick, you are my family,

and it would mean
the world to me

if both of you
would try to get along.

Please.

So I was thinking...

maybe you two could find
some common ground.

For example...

Ava, you love to read.

Mick here is an author.

Oh. Well, that's something.

Though I would be shocked
if his novel

wasn't sexist and derivative.

It is.

Okay, well,

Mick, you love to eat.

Ava is a fantastic baker.

She makes one mean
snickerdoodle.

Fancy sugar cookies.

Snickerdoodles are actually
completely different.

It's a cream of tartar base,
but...

- Garbage cookies.
- That's rich,

coming from a man who's
so lacking in personal hygiene

that he had to resort
to sleeping with

a three-breasted alien sex toy.

Well, at least Garima
isn't a clone.

Only I get to use the C word.

- Too far, Mick.
- Too far.

Why do you get to have
a fake girlfriend,

and I don't?

Clone.

Dick.

Hey.

Any luck?

I'm sorry, John.

Sometimes with history,
if you change one thing,

it creates a whole
domino effect.

It's all right.

Listen, I...

I get being tempted

to save someone you love.

The anger and frustration.

It's...

John?

Yep.

Turn around.

I... I'd rather not.

That is the last time
that I try that.

I thought you couldn't...

You know what,
it doesn't matter.

Where is John?

The last time we did
something like this,

we almost destroyed
the entire world.

- All right, all right.
- Okay, enough.

How are you planning
to find John?

Well, his tracker...

- Which you told him about.
- Yep.

Old John-O's changing
history commando.

You know, I understand
why John's being

so colossally stupid,
but what's your excuse?

I'm dying.

What?

Look, every time
that I shapeshift,

it's like I'm born
all over again.

But stuck in this body

for the first time in centuries,

I'm getting older.

But if John saves Desmond,

then he never joins the Legends,

and I'm immortal again.

Let me get this straight.

You helped John risk

a catastrophic
rupture to history

because you're afraid of aging?

Okay.

Maybe John succeeds and you go

on your immortal, merry way.

But if he fails,

I will personally make sure

you spend the rest of your
short, dreary, human life

in the deepest, darkest
prison cell

the Bureau has to offer.

Let's move.

- Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
- This is my fault.

I shouldn't have forced it
on you and Mick.

No. He was just stating
a fact, you know.

I am a... clone.

Hey.

No, it's okay.

Sometimes I just wish I could

be more like you
and the Legends, you know.

Loosen up. I...

When did that happen?

What?

Oh, no.

I'll get a broom.

Ava, wait.

Are those tiny
little footprints?

The Dybbuk is alive.

What?

Okay, we shouldn't split up.

Classic horror-movie mistake.

Well, we're not
exactly helpless.

- Fine.
- I'll go fix Gideon.

And I'm gonna go
catch a serial killer!

You are way too excited
about this.

What the hell?

John.

How the bloody hell
did you find me?

John, you have to stop this.

If Desmond isn't dragged to hell

and you don't join the Legends,

the effects could be
cataclysmic.

Neron didn't drag Dez to hell.

I did.

What do you mean?

When I told Dez to run,
he went behind my back.

Made a deal to protect me.

In exchange for sparing my life,

Dez had to bind his soul
to Neron's.

I couldn't send Neron to hell

without sending Dez down
with him.

Johnny?

Johnny.

Johnny!

No!

I killed the man I loved,
and for what?

To buy New Orleans
a little more time?

Neron needs souls
to take over hell,

and mark my words, he is coming
back to Earth to get them.

John, we can help you.

Yeah, spare the team bit,
all right?

I work alone.

- You back already?
- Yeah.

Dez, I'm, ah, back already.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, Dez.

I'm gonna get some clothes on.

It's dead.

The Dybbuk must have
found another vessel.

Is there another doll
on the ship somewhere, Rory?

What the hell was that?

Block the exit.

Okay, so whatever it is,
it has tiny little feet,

so it's not that big.

Ow.

Ya dumb blonde!

It's not size that matters,

it's how you use it!
Agh!

Agh! Agh!

Ragh!

Professor Stein?

No! It's Mikey, you dick!

Here.

Thank you.

Where is he?

It really is Mike the Spike.

Stop!

Where are you taking him?

You.

I am the Assistant Coordinator
of Creature Upkeep.

It's my job to take care
of magical beings.

- Not for long.
- Let him go!

I'm warning you.

Konane, no!

Agh!

You have to go.

They'll kill you...

- You okay?
- Shh.

- Mike's up there.
- Mike the Spike?

Yeah, and he's
found a new vessel.

Much, much worse.

Hold on.

What could be worse than
a creepy antebellum doll?

Where are the eggs?

Thought you said
you were gonna cook.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

I'll finish getting dressed,
and we can go out to eat.

You know, it's, uh...

it's not about
the breakfast, Dez.

Mm. Kay.

I see what you're doing.

You know what
your problem is, Johnny?

You don't think
you deserve to be happy.

Dez, your feelings for me
are a bloody lie, all right?

See, I just wanted
to get you into my bed,

but I couldn't be bothered
to put the work in, so...

I used a love spell on you.

This a joke?

Afraid not, mate.

Hey, uh...

I really care about you.

If there's something
going on in your life,

just be honest with me.

Yeah, do you know what?

This thing between us?
It isn't real.

It never was.
It doesn't exist.

I put myself
out there like this,

and you're playing games?

You should go.

- Yeah, you're right.
- I should.

But this...

this thing between us?

This was real, Johnny.

Sara, do you read me?

John's done something awful.

Well, he hasn't
done anything yet.

I'm still stuck in this form.

Uh...

What's that?

- Guys!
- Guys, guys, guys!

I have a real emergency here.

Oh!

Marty!

Die, you putz!

I hate puppets!

Suck my...

Blast...

Oi, Z! Check this out!

I got my powers back!

Don't be mad, I'm myself again.

Whoo!

Where's Zari?

Zari?

Oh, blimey.