Legends of Tomorrow (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Wet Hot American Bummer - full transcript

Previously on
"Legend's of Tomorrow"...

Mallus wasn't the only
prisoner to escape.

Now there's magic.

An unknown number of other
dangerous magical beings

got spat out across the timeline
and now must be sent to hell.

She's a shapeshifter.

- What did you do to me?
- Lobotomy of sorts.

Your shapeshifting days
are over, sweetheart.

No!

She definitely isn't Amaya.

Did you just hear that?



Judy, relax.

There's nothing out here.

Tonight it's just you and me, okay?

Wait a second.

Don't tell me that
the fearless Ms. Lance

is scared of a little horror film.

No, I love horror movies,

and I watched them
obsessively as a kid,

so how could I have missed this gem?

"Swamp Thaaaang."

Never heard of it.
And what's with all the As?

Okay, let me look.

Okay, "Swamp Thaaaang."

Apparently there
are four As in the name



because it's the fourth film
in the franchise.

The A.V. Club gave it
a D-plus, saying,

"The production design is as
lazy as the action staging."

- Harsh.
- Yeah.

"Based on real-life tragic
events that occurred

at Camp Ogawa, Maine,
in the summer of 1995"?

Gideon.

- We're in my room, babe.
- Right.

Speak of the devil.

Sorry to interrupt, Captain,
but I've detected

new magical events in the timeline.

It seems that a number of children

went missing from a summer camp...

Let me guess.
Camp Ogawa, Maine.

Precisely.

Looks like the handiwork
of one of our fugitives.

Shall I plot
a course to 1995, then?

And while you're at it,
fabricate a mess of bug spray.

I'm on my way.

Well, how about that?

We almost got to spend

two whole uninterrupted hours together.

How about...

you come with me?

Summer camp?

As in bug bites, bunk beds,
and mean girls?

No, summer camp, as in camp fires,

sing-alongs, and friendship bracelets.

Camp's the best.
You'll love it.

Pinkie swear.

What are you doing?

It's something
you do when you're a kid.

It's like a promise.

What?

Come on.
No, pinkie.

Yes!
Weird.

This will be a great way

for us to spend some more time together,

and, plus, we get to make sure
that doesn't happen in real life.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne
== https://subscene.com ==

I talked to Nate, and he's got
things covered at the Bureau.

He and Gary have their hands full with
all the magical creatures popping up.

Nate and Gary are in charge.

Well, anyways,
I'm glad that he's there

because we've got something I
really don't want him to see.

What's that?

Amaya.

It just looks like her.

- Did you say "it"?
- She's a shapeshifter.

We found her in London, 1977.

Hmm. Hello.

Not much of a talker, I see.
Oh, she talks.

Go to hell!

Just her way of saying "hello."

Oh, let me out of here, you bastards!

She's still adjusting to her new home.

Maybe it's the food.

But Constantine sent the other fugitives

you encountered to hell, so...

Well, she's not exactly
a bloodthirsty unicorn.

Or an evil fairy godmother.

But you decided to keep
the shapeshifter because...?

Oh. To exploit her for information

about the inter-dimensional prison

that she's been trapped in

to help us track down other fugitives.

That is...

exactly what we are doing.

100%.

Isn't that right, Zari?

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I'm... I'm gathering
that intel as we speak.

Hm. I love the initiative, team.

Yeah.

Gentlemen.

Ooh, Director Sharpe.
Joining us, are we?

- Is that a problem?
- Not for me, love.

Good, because we are
headed back to the '90s

to infiltrate a place called
Camp Ogawa.

Oh, sneaking into
a military facility, are we?

Actually, it's a summer camp for kids.

Oh, I loved summer camp.

Everyone used to call me, Kid Counselor.

Bet you took that

as a compliment, too, didn't you, mate?

Well, because of my
leadership skills, obviously.

Right?
That's why.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

So, uh, any idea of
what kind of foul beast

we're up against, then?

Well, based on... research
Sarah and I have been doing,

we could be looking for
a swampy monster thing.

According to the timeline,
before the end of summer,

several kids went missing,
never to be seen again.

Well, I happen to know
a Swamp Thing.

But then again, Maine is way
too far North for that muppet.

Well, we used to
use the buddy system

to make sure everyone was safe.

And this is where Nate would say,
"I'm your buddy,"

and we'd do a fist bump
or a silly jig or...

Well, we are shorthanded,

so I need you to partner up with John.

Oh, don't worry, dreamboat.

I've had stranger bedfellows than you.

But just so you know,
I'm not one to get all

gussied up for a gig, all right?

Oh, they may take my coat,
but you will never take my...

Nope.
And lose the tie.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Fine.

One time,
but it's only for the kids.

Yeah, that's the camp spirit.

Are these outfits really necessary?

- Girl...
- Come on. Gideon made us

official Camp Ogawa counselor uniforms

using archival photos
so that we could fit in.

What are you guys doing
just standing around?

Hi, we are the new camp counselors.

Sorry to show up unannounced.

Well, Freckles,
the name's Paula Cooper.

I'm the director here.

Welcome to Camp Ogawa.

My right-hand man, Chad Stephens,

will show you around.

Chad!

Get over here.

What's up?

Chad, you marble cut of prime beef,

give these new counselors the tour.

Cool. All right, hey, let's
bounce over this way.

I'll give you the 411 on this place, huh?

Yeah.

What we need are snipers
on that ridgeline,

spotters on the ground,
and an exfil site

for when we bag the creature.

Not a bad plan, Sharpie.

I'll put a protection spell
around my perimeter

to keep out the nasties.

Best offense is
a strong defense.

- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

So, as you can see,

Camp Ogawa is a miserable place,

and Paula runs it like a POW camp.

Not!

Oh, God, not a '90s "not" joke.

It's like comic comfort food.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help
but admire your lanyard.

Did you make that yourself?

Oh, yeah.
Thank you.

Yeah, along with 21 required merit badges,

I also went on to get certification

in nuclear science and dentistry.

Oh, snap. I've got
some serious competition

for coolest counselor this summer, huh?

Ah...

What about you?
You got any special skills?

Martial arts.

Ah.

Hwah!

Sorry, it's just so fresh.

It's like, Jackie Chan, you know?

I prefer knives and swords.

Right, yeah.
Point taken.

Ha ha! "Point taken."
Good one, bro.

Anyway, let's head
over here, all right?

I'm gonna assign you your cabins.

It's gonna be
a heck of a summer.

Okay.
He'll grow on you.

Greetings, members of Newton Cabin

I am Counselor Ray,

and the mysterious gentleman
behind you is Counselor John.

Cheers, lads.

Well, today's subject
is wilderness survival,

which includes tracking
and orienteering.

Who's excited?

Well, you will be, okay?

Two words to remember
when tracking...

"displacement" and "direction."

Now, Counselor John will demonstrate

the kind of inadvertent markers
people leave behind

while walking in the woods.

And...

Counselor John is missing already.

See how easy it is to get
lost in the woods, gentlemen?

- What's up, Franklin Cabin?
- Whoo!

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

We are in the house.
I am Sara, and this is Ava.

We are your camp counselors.

Now, I was thinking,
we need a secret handshake.

Yeah.

Something really cool
that only we know.

- Yeah.
- So cool.

- What are you doing?
- Bonding.

How is that supposed to keep them safe

from what's in the woods?

It allows us to form
a meaningful connection

and them to feel like
they're part of a team.

They aren't gonna be a part
of anything if they're dead.

- Ava.
- We can go back

to the fun and games once we
catch the creature, yes?

All right, ladies...

change in plan.

Today we're going to celebrate
your first day of camp

by using safety and discipline, got it?

Now, when I blow this whistle,
you are to run... not walk...

To your respective beds.

But it's still daytime.

It will feel like nighttime
when your eyes are closed.

Now move!

Very nice.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm creating a protective
barrier to catch monsters.

- "Monsters"?
- Yeah.

You know, the kind that
slice your stomach open

and eat your intestines
for supper.

Getting those kids to bed was
a lot easier than I expected.

You know,
I'm really glad I came.

I just feel bad... we're
ruining camp for these kids.

It's such an important time.

Well, I didn't realize
you were so gung-ho

about this whole camp thing.

I was even Color Captain one year.

Hmm?

Summer after eighth grade.

I really stuck it to Suzy Smith

and the Green Team that year.

- Sounds magical.
- It was.

Unfortunately, we're here
to stop magic, my love.

Well, with us
guarding their cabin

and Constantine's perimeter,
at least no Swampy Monster

is getting
into this camp tonight.

Who's there?

Relax, Lenise. It's just me.

Zack.

So what do you want to do?

Have you ever kissed
anyone before?

Zack?

Beautiful morning.

Yeah, sorry to burst your
summer-loving bubble, mate,

but we're missing one
of our young charges.

His name is Zack or something.

Well, are you sure
you counted right?

Because based on
your whiskey cologne,

I think you're still drunk.
No, he's right.

Yeah, a girl is missing
from our cabin, too,

even after I put the fear of God in them.

Obviously, there's something wrong

with Constantine's booby trap.

Are you off your trolley, mate?

My spell was designed to keep
the monsters from getting in,

not children getting out.

They must have snuck out
in the middle of the night.

Snuck out?
Why would they sneak out?

To make out, duh.

Well, I suppose we should
notify the camp director.

Okay, guys, so...

Oh, don't worry about those kids.

They're gonna be just fine.

Uh, shouldn't we mount
a search party or...

They couldn't have gotten too far.

Look, Freckles,
this happens every year.

Kids under the influence
of their hormones

go off into the woods at night.

Just watch. They'll eventually
get hungry and tired,

and they'll come back.

Now go out there and do some counseling.

Well, someone gives
precisely zero craps

about the safety of our campers.

I guarantee you one of these kids

knows where the other two went.

How can you be so sure?

Because when I was in camp,

we used to hide stuff from
the counselors all the time.

We just need to figure out
how to get them to talk.

Circle of trust creates a safe space

for us to share our secrets
without judgment.

Now, take each other's hands.

Now I want you...
Yeah, sorry to butt in, lads.

But, uh, can I have a word
with you for a second?

I want you to meditate
on the word "openness,"

and I'll be right back.

You're interrup...

You're interrupting the flow.

Yeah, well, apologies
to you and your flow,

but all of your psychobabble...

That ain't gonna cut the mustard

with the young ones, mate.

Let me show you how it's done.

Right, then, which one
of you whippersnappers

wants to be hypnotized?

Me, me, me, me!

Alexis, you and Lenise
are besties, right?

We were partners
in last year's talent show.

She didn't show up
at roll call this morning.

I'm worried. Do you know
where she might have gone?

All right, ladies, on your feet.

Report to the front of your
bed, arms by your sides, now.

What is with the police lineup?

This is summer camp,
not boot camp, remember?

You are too soft on these kids.

Children crave authority.

Besides, my way will be quicker.

That's it.
Look at my watch.

Now, where did your mate Zack
run off to last night?

He didn't say.

But I hope he didn't go
near the outdoor showers.

Why?

What's by the outdoor showers?

That's where I hid
my Victoria's Secret catalog.

Ah.

Your friend Lenise snuck
out of the cabin last night.

And no one's going anywhere

until I find out where she went.

But the ice cream social
is in, like, five minutes.

Well, then you better,
like, start talking, Kiana,

or you're gonna have to scrape
the bottom of the carton

for what's left.

Last night Zack said something

about meeting someone
in the woods.

Where in the woods exactly?

A baseball field.

Only, there's no baseball field
out there.

Well, that's all right.
Keep digging.

He kept talking about making
it to first base with a girl.

But who plays baseball
in the dark?

She probably went to the
same place your style went.

You could use a makeover,
like, head to toe.

Ms. Tomaz, the prisoner
is growing quite unruly.

Tell her to knock herself out.

Aw. I take that back.

Damn it, not on my watch.

Whoo! Ha ha!

Okay, I feel like we got
off on the wrong foot.

It's just that you're wearing
my friend's face,

and it's a little unsettling,
given your...

general demeanor.

Look...

I didn't love it at first
when I got here,

but I found my place.

You can too.

Take a look in the mirror,
sweetheart.

It's not my face
that should be unsettling.

You're the one
putting things in cages.

So how many girls

has the missus made cry so far,
or have you lost count?

Ava's interrogation techniques

aren't going to work on them.

They'd rather take their secrets

to the grave than squeal.

Anything with the boys?

Oh, those boys
aren't hiding a thing.

They're open books,

if those books were written
by hapless fools, that is.

If I could just
become one of them,

another 12-year-old camper,

I could get these girls
to talk like that.

I do believe
that you've just sparked

an idea there,
Ms. Lance.

End of the road, kid.

In your cage.

Bloke like you
doesn't strike me as a jailer.

I believe we're more alike
than you think.

You look like
you've been on the inside.

That's right.

And how do you sleep at night...

hanging out with these
jailer mates of yours?

Alcohol.

Oh, hey. I made an additional
list of suspects

I want to question.
Ava...

Look, I know that you just
want them

to have fun, all right?

But the fact of the matter is,

there is a monster out there
hunting down these kids,

and these girls
are stonewalling us, okay?

Counselor Ava?

Yes?

I'm ready to tell you
what's really going on.

Go on, honey.
Spill the beans.

It won't stop unless
you do something.

What won't stop?

The monster that lives under
the dock... the lake beast.

Who's the lake beast?

Years ago, at this very camp,

some mean kids played
a prank on a boy,

and he drowned in the lake.

And now every year he returns
to get his revenge.

And so you think the
lake beast took your friends?

They say the only way
to make him appear

is to go to the dock alone
and call his name three times.

Sweetie, you are so brave,
and I promise you,

the lake beast won't be getting
anyone tonight, okay?

Guys.

Guys, I think I see
a Northern Saw-whet Owl.

Ray, focus.

Fine. I'll save it
for my bird-watching journal.

Okay, you're in the clear, Ava.

Stupid bird.

Okay, let's get this over with.

Lake Beast,
Lake Beast, Lake Beast.

Hmm.

Guys, this feels
like a bust to me.

Ah, it was just a bloody prank.

- Oh!
- Go, go, go.

You okay?

Nice night for a swim,
though, eh, Sharpie?

Those girls are...

monsters!

After we left
the lake last night,

another one of our
campers went missing.

Another one
of ours is missing, too.

That makes four in total.

They must have snuck out
to meet up with each other

and never made it back.

Yeah, well, I don't know
about you lot,

but I'm not just sitting
around here

waiting for the monster
to go and get another kid.

We better split up.

All right, you two check the
woods for the missing kids.

Ava and I...
We'll stay watch here.

Hey, wait, buddy system!

I heard about last night.
It's majorly uncool.

Who knew kids could be so mean?

They've been calling me
Lake Beast

behind my back all day.

- Excuse me, Lake Beast.
- And to my face.

Okay. Hey,
that is enough, ladies.

The joke is over.

It's time for you to behave, or
else your cabin will be banned

from the July Jamboree.

The only way we are going to
get any information

from these girls
is to infiltrate their clique.

How are we supposed
to do that? We're not kids.

Funny you should say that.

Constantine gave me a potion
that would turn us into kids

only temporarily.

You're kidding, right?

Wha... Even if it works, Sara,

I wouldn't have any idea
how to act like a kid

because I've never been one.

All my childhood memories
are fake, remember?

How are we going to find the
kids with that dangly thing?

You know, this ritual
usually works best

when someone
isn't yammering in my ear hole.

Well, you want to find the kids,

we got to do it
the old-fashioned way.

Study their tracks.

It's a good thing
I came prepared,

because one step
in the wrong direction here,

and you'll be traveling
for miles in the wrong...

Damn it, you Nandy Pandy,
I said I need silence.

Oh, you meant right now.

I'm sorry, I thought you meant...

Why are you being such a jerk?

Because you shouldn't
even be out here

chasing a magical creature,
all right?

It's too dangerous.

Too dangerous?

You're lucky
you're out here with me,

because I can keep us alive
on bugs and berries alone.

You know, this has nothing
to do with survival in the wild

and everything to do with
surviving magical creatures

and those who dabble
in the dark arts.

I'll have you know, I am no
stranger to the world of magic.

Yeah.

Oh, don't think I haven't
heard how Nora Darhk had you

eating out of the palm
of her wicked little hand.

Oh, I bet she didn't
even have to ask

for the time stone, did she?

No, you just gave it away
like biscuits at tea time.

Nora and I have a mutual
respect for each other.

It's not like
I was tripping over myself...

What is that?

No doubt left behind
by the magical beast.

Who sheds its skin
after it eats the kids?

What are we looking for?
Some sort of snake monster?

The answer is in this book.

Is that a magical Audubon guide?

Neat-o.

Mmm.

It's good.
What is it?

Hooch. I spent a little time
in a Siberian gulag.

Got a taste for it.

Where I was
it felt like 500 years.

Time worked differently
in that realm.

Oh, I've been in a lot of
cages, but not a magical one.

What was it like?

The inside of my cage
was a constant battle

between creatures
from your worst nightmare.

I, uh, got to know some of them
better than I wanted to.

It was a dismal
and a dark dimension,

like nothing here on Earth.

And I'll be damned
if I'm ever going back.

Well, cheers to that.

Friendship bracelet?

No, it's an "I'm sorry"
bracelet.

I shouldn't
have run off like that.

It's just that
you know I'm not normal,

and I think you hit
a nerve or something.

No, I'm sorry.

I never even thought
about the fact

that you'd never been a kid.

- Yeah.
- But this is really good.

Ugh. I confiscated
it from Alexis.

See, I'm weird. I...

Do you know that those two
actors who are my parents...

I keep a picture of them
on my desk in my office

just so I can try to feel
a little bit normal.

Yeah, that is anything
but normal.

Yeah.

Guys. I think
we've ID'd our monster.

Constantine and I found
a skin suit

shed by something
called a shtriga.

- Come again?
- A shtriga.

It's a vampiric witch.

It feeds off the life force
of children.

Bloody brilliant
setting up shop at summer camp.

Ah, there's some good news,
sort of.

Uh, it says here the shtriga
feeds slowly off its prey

draining its life energy
over a course of days,

which means the missing kids
could still be alive.

Then it's on you guys
to find them.

All right.

Okay, and it's on us
to protect these girls.

Now, I know you think I'm crazy,

but what if the best way
to protect them

is by becoming one of them
and lure the creature out?

We'll be the bait.

What if Constantine's
potion doesn't work on me?

There's only one way
to find out.

And if it does, I'll be
with you every step of the way.

Show you the ropes.
Teach you how to be a kid.

Pinkie swear?

Pinkie swear.

All right, lights out, everyone!

Hey, that means you, too,
Hopper Cabin.

Don't make me come in there.

- Do you feel anything yet?
- Mm...

No.

Maybe it doesn't work.

The pretty lights
tell me otherwise.

Hey, what are
you two doing in here?

Oh, snap.

Where did you guys come from
out of the blue?

Got kicked out of Clark Cabin

for putting a frog under
Christi Donovan's pillow.

You should
have heard her scream.

Cool.

And you?

I was kicked out

'cause I was caught reading
after lights out.

Reading?
Lame.

Uh, her counselors only
thought she was reading,

but really she was writing
a letter to her boyfriend.

He lives in France.

This year's counselors
are the worst.

Especially Lake Beast.

Yeah, I heard she smells bad.

Hey...

Um, yeah, I heard
she looked really funny

when she fell into the water.

But you're lucky
she didn't catch pneumonia.

That's a very serious illness.

Uh, sure.

You must have had balls
to survive that hellhole.

Did what I had to...

Shapeshifted
into whatever monster

would keep the others
off my back.

But you know
exactly what it's like

pretending to be something
worse than you are to survive.

Well, there's that.

And there's
finding someone you trust.

I did time in supermax
with my old partner.

It's harder to plot
against a team.

I spent all my time
shapeshifting and running.

I never stuck around
one place long enough

to find anyone
that I could trust.

Well, you got to start
somewhere.

Hey, it's me, Sara.
You guys still out there?

Sara? Potion actually worked?

You didn't know
if it was going to work

before you gave us the potion?

Well, of course I didn't.

I never tested it on humans,
have I?

Damn it, John.

Well, just see it like this...
You two have now

turned yourselves into
irresistible shtriga bait.

So any suggestions
on how a couple of kids

can take on
a magical child-eating hag?

Well, if you're in a pinch,

you can always
try capsicum annuum...

More commonly known
as cayenne pepper.

Witches hate the stuff.

But you'll be fine.
Cheers, love.

Great.

But where are we going to get
cayenne pepper?

Follow my lead.

The shtriga's lair
can't be far now.

Look, a camper must have tried

to hide from the shtriga here.

What are you doing?
Oh, a spell?

Yep.

Ah, will-o the wisp.

Little bugger will lead us
to whoever owns that shirt.

Well, go on then, light the way.

Ha! Look at us...
A pair of magical detectives.

Oh, and I was beginning
to think you were all right

till you went and said that.

You know, there are other
dabblers of the dark arts

out there who think
that I'm all right.

Referring to Nora Darhk, are we?

You best stay away
from that witch, mate.

Not even your big heart can
keep you safe from someone

who's wrestled
with literal demons.

What about you?
You're one of us now.

You even dressed up
for a little while.

You've wrestled with demons,
and you're good.

Just listen to me, all right?

You know,
I had a friend like you.

Someone good,
someone who trusted me.

Be smarter than him, all right?

Save yourself, Ray Palmer,

because people like me
and Nora Darhk...

we're bloody hell
for people like you.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

I... think you meant dare.

Dare?

Dare.
I mean dare.

I dare you to sneak
out of the cabin

and break into the mess hall.

But to prove that
you didn't chicken out,

you have to bring us something
back from the kitchen.

Ooh.

Well, this must be the place.

Alexis, who would you
rather have babies with?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas
or Mario Lopez?

Mm...

I ran into some trouble.

I knew it.
She chickened out.

I tried to carry more,

but I could only sneak out
with two of these.

I know you missed
the ice cream social, so...

ice cream social
is coming to you.

Rocky road
and mint chocolate chip...

You're the best ever.

And I have something
just for us.

That's my girl.

Oh, I've seen enough
horror movie trailers

to know this won't end well.

Those films are nothing
compared to the horrors

you might see in real life.

Are we too late?

Uh, we'll need an incantation,

a crystal, and a conduit

to draw their pilfered
life force from the shtriga

and back into their bodies.

Now, just, uh, follow my lead
and do everything I say.

We really needed this.

Camp's been
kind of rough this year.

What do you mean?

It's okay.
You can talk to us.

We're super worried
about Lenise and Meredith.

We didn't want to say anything
for the longest time.

We thought we'd get in trouble
and ruin everything.

Ruin what?

The midnight meet-up.
It's a tradition.

Every summer, girls take turns

choosing guys they like
to meet up with in the woods.

There's a string
that starts near the flagpole,

and it leads out into
the meeting spot.

It changes every year.

So they meet up, and what's
supposed to happen next?

Well, you're supposed to have
your first kiss and come back.

But Lenise and Meredith
never came back.

We got to be
getting close, right?

What was that?

It's way past lights out.

What punishment
should I cook up for you?

Come here, you two.

Get off me,
you crusty old witch!

My eyes!

Is she dead?

All right, our team's dealing

with something called a shtriga.

Do you know anything
that could help them fight it?

Oh, a shtriga.

Very intelligent
and very deadly.

If you want my help,
it's going to cost you.

Great. Will that come
in the form of another haiku,

or can we expect something
a little more detailed?

What's that?
What was that eye thing?

According to legend,
shtrigas are nasty old women,

but the one
that I met in prison...

The one
that you're looking for...

Is beautiful.

And he's a bloke.

Hmm.

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, you don't have another
bathroom break

for, oh, that's right, never,

since you tried
to break my face.

It is now or never.

Fine. Whatever.

Guys, this shtriga
thing is not an old woman.

What's going on out here?

You are looking
for a young, handsome dude.

Are you ready, big man?

On with the show, then.

What did you guys do to her?

We didn't do anything.

Look, it's not safe
for you guys out here.

Okay?
You're coming with me.

We can take care of ourselves.

You're coming with me
whether you like it or not.

You think you're so tough?

I don't think it.
I know it.

It's working.

It worked.

Ooh, that was worse
than a hangover.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, lad, wake up.

Wake up, lad.
Wake up. Come on, son.

Damn it.

Bollocks.

I'm not losing another kid.

What are you doing?

John!

John.
Come on.

John? Come on, John.

John.

Ugh.

Damn it.

Any of you got... got a light?

What happened?
You saved him.

You saved Randall.

Ah, that's good.

I'm gonna get you
back to the ship.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna
get the rest of you out.

We found you guys.

We got worried when you
didn't show up for dinner.

Those kids look famished.

Get them water
and electrolytes, stat.

And that gurney we just made
out of rope and wood...

Bring it in.

Had a hunch it
would come in handy.

How did you find us?

Displacement and direction,
just like you taught us.

Good job, Toby.

John's potion
will be wearing off soon,

and it's back
to our normal lives,

where we're only responsible
for babysitting Rory and Gary.

I'd like to thank you

for giving me
real childhood memories.

To be honest, these memories
have been kind of awful...

mostly awkward, but...

totally awesome.

I mean, it wouldn't be childhood

without all of the above.

I'm happy it was with you.

And considering all the trouble

those kids
went through for a kiss...

I'm guessing no childhood
would be complete without one.

Couldn't help but notice
our magical friend

is not where
she's supposed to be.

Oh, she's not?

Rory, do you know
anything about that?

You don't pay me enough

to be a stinkin' prison guard.

I don't pay you anything.

Well, I let the fake Amaya go.

Why would you do that?

Oh, in order to...

have an extreme makeover.

Thanks for the shtriga tip.

Well, if you had your hands
full with a shtriga,

I figured you'd need my help

with whatever
you plebs face next.

Sounds like a mutually
beneficial partnership.

One condition, though...

I never set foot
in that cage ever again.

Got it?

Mr. Constantine's body
is rejecting my treatments.

His odds of survival are bleak.

John, what you did
out there was pretty selfless.

I told you you were good.

That's not good for you.

Get some rest, John.

Gideon, give him the good stuff.

Oh, Gideon.

That's nice, love.
We should party...

He's getting worse.

The magic he used to save that
camper was pretty powerful.

Well, if magic
has him on death's door,

then maybe magic can save him.

I think I know
someone who can help.

But I have no idea
how to find her.

Just one final ingredient.

I trust you'll find
that my potion is magical.

Ugh.
You call that soup?

Oh, I-I can start over.

The Ren Fair opens in an hour.

You know what?
Forget it.

It's not like folks come to
this tent for the food anyways.

I'm sorry?

They come for the lusty wenches.

I'm...

I'm a witch.

Okay, well, as long
as it's a lusty witch, okay?