Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 6, Episode 26 - Uncle Billy's Visit - full transcript

June isn't sure it's a good idea when eccentric Uncle Billy comes to stay with the boys while she and Ward spend the week-end at the lake with friends. But when Beaver is caught trying to sneak his friend Gilbert through the back door of the movie theater, he's glad that it's his good-natured uncle who gets the call from the theater manager and not his parents.

Starring...

and...

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Beaver.

What are you doing?

I'm keeping the
soup from burning

and keeping an eye on the roast.

Where's your mother?

She's upstairs, packing.

Packing for what?

I don't know. She just told me
to keep the soup from burning



and keep an eye on the roast.

June?

What's this about your packing?

Oh, Gladys Miller called up and invited
us to spend the weekend up at the lake.

Great. Who's going to stay
with the boys? Ms. Parker?

No. You know she moved to Omaha.

I'm going to call
Mrs. Donaldson.

I'm sure she can come.

Wait a minute, isn't she the
one who took the steady job?

Ward, that's right.

I hope we can get
someone at the last minute.

Do you think we
should call the Millers?

Hello?

Oh, hi Uncle Billy.



It's my uncle Billy.

Say Ward, I'm going to
be in Mayfield tomorrow,

and I thought I'd spend the weekend
with you and June and the boys.

Well, Billy, June and I, we're
planning to go up to the lake

with some friends,
but we can call that off.

We were having trouble getting
someone to stay with the boys, anyway.

Listen, you go
ahead and have fun.

I'll stay with the boys. We'll
have a great time together.

My last trip to the Orient, I picked up
some souvenirs for Wally and Beaver.

Well, Bill, that would certainly
solve our problem, but I...

Yeah. Well, all right then.

He says he'll
stay with the boys.

Well, fine, Billy.

Thanks very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Right. Bye.

Ward, I don't know about
Uncle Billy staying with the boys

for the whole weekend.

He doesn't mind, dear. He says
he'd be glad to keep an eye on them.

I know he's your
uncle and everything,

but he's sort of a kid himself.

Who's going to keep
an eye on Uncle Billy?

Hey Beav, you've been looking out
that window ever since you got home.

It's not going to make Uncle
Billy get here any faster.

I know. The last time he came, he was
driving a German car and wore a cowboy hat.

I wouldn't want to
miss anything like that.

Yeah. He sure is a
character, all right.

You know, it's kind of
hard to figure a guy like him

being a member of our family.

Yeah. You know, I'll bet
I'm the only kid in school

who has an uncle who
ever lived with the Indians.

Well, I think Billy just lived in a
hotel that had some Indians living in it.

That's still living
with the Indians.

What are you trying to
do, wreck a neat story?

I wonder where Uncle Billy is.

The Millers wanted
to get an early start.

I hope we're doing
the right thing,

leaving the boys with him.

June, what do you have
against my Uncle Billy,

besides his being a
member of my family?

You know I love Billy.

It's just that I can't forget
the last time he was here...

He took the boys fishing.
Beaver fell out of the boat.

They had to bring him
home wrapped in a blanket.

June, Beaver loved it. He never
got so much attention in his life.

Yes, Ward, but
don't forget that...

Hey Mom, hey Dad. He's here.

Yeah, it's Uncle Billy.

Yeah, and this time, he's
driving an American car,

but he's wearing a German hat.

Well, Billy, come in.

Ward, my boy.

Hello, Billy.

June, you're getting
prettier every day.

Right now, you look like
the middle of next week.

Thank you, Billy.
You're looking well.

Not doing bad, for a senior
delinquent. Hi, fellows.

- Hi, Uncle Billy.
- Hi.

Oh, here you go, June.

Didn't have time for
any fancy wrappings.

Oh, Bill. Oh, Billy, it's
just beautiful. Thank you.

It's a little thing I picked
up in Paris last summer.

Well, look at those two.

Hey, the Green Bay
Packers heard about this pair?

Where do you play,
line or back field?

Line. I'm an end.

Where do you play, Wally?

Back field.

I get it. You toss
them, he catches them.

That's the combination, huh?

Billy, I hope we
aren't imposing on you,

asking you to stay
with the boys like this.

Imposing? Nonsense. I'm going
to look forward to this weekend.

We're going to have the time
of our lives, ain't we, fellows?

Yeah, you bet.

Ward, I know you and
June want to get started.

Why don't you just take
off? Don't worry about a thing.

I think we'd better
do that, Billy.

I'm sure you and the boys
will get along fine together.

We'd better, or we'll
go a round or two.

Come on, dear. Let's go.

Say, I almost forgot
the most important thing.

Here you are, boys.

Gee, thanks a lot, Uncle Billy.

Thanks, Uncle Billy.

Billy, here are a
few instructions.

You know, in case you want to
reach us or call the neighbors,

- something like that.
- Sure, sure.

Now you two just run along and don't
give the boys and me a second thought.

Come on, dear.

Bye, boys.

Hey, Mom, look what
Uncle Billy gave us.

Yeah, Mom, look.

Boy, Uncle Billy, you sure
know how to barbeque.

I'm glad you boys enjoyed it.

Junk never tastes this good
when it's cooked in the house.

You cook out in the
woods as long as I have,

you can broil the
sole off an old boot

and make it taste
like a filet mignon.

Well, boys, what are your plans?

Anything you say, Uncle Billy.

I was thinking I might go over
and see this friend of mine.

Hey Beaver, I'll
bet this friend of his

has got big blue eyes and long
blonde hair, huh? How about it?

No, she's a girl, all right.

It wasn't much of a
surprise to me, Wally.

After I saw that big,
glamorous hunk of iron

parked in the driveway
with the top down,

I didn't think you'd be driving
around by yourself like a lone ranger.

Yeah, well, what time
do you want me to be in?

Well, I'll tell you...
The way I look at it,

when a fellow's
preparing for college,

his parents let him
have his own car,

he should have brains enough to know
when to get his tired old carcass into bed.

Gee, thanks a lot,
but I'll be in early.

Well, that's up to you.

Say, can I give you
a hand cleaning up?

No, Beaver and me
will take care of it.

Should I take the dishes and
junk into the kitchen, Uncle Billy?

Say, tell you what let's do...

Let's do like we do when
we're camping in the woods.

Spread all the
dishes on the lawn,

take the garden hose,
and wash them off.

Hey, that's the neatest way of
washing dishes I ever heard of.

Hey, Uncle Billy, if you're
camping in the woods,

where do you get
the garden hose?

That's a good question, Wally.

Wish I had a good answer.

Well, I'll see you later.

Kid's sure growing up.

Well, Beaver, after
we get the dishes done,

what do you want to do? See
a movie or watch television?

Maybe we'd better
watch television,

because I'm going to
the movies tomorrow.

That's okay by me.
What's on tonight?

Monger the Terrible
comes on at 8:00.

Monger? What in
the world is that?

Monger's half-monster
and half-gorilla,

and it goes around tearing
up trees and eating people.

Beaver, don't tell me
it's one of them pictures

with phony animals
and fake scenery

that has all that silly
screeching and hollering.

That's right.

Okay, Beaver. That's for me.

Boy, Wally, we must
have slept till 10:00,

and nobody woke us up
to yell at us or anything.

Sure is neat having
Uncle Billy here, isn't it?

Yeah.

Last night, I must have
listened to my transistor radio

till 3:00 in the morning.
He never said one word.

What are you talking about? I
came home at 11:30 and turned it off.

You were snoring like a pig.

Yeah. Well, anyway,
it seemed like 3:00.

How come you came home so early?

You could have stayed out
half the night, if you wanted to.

Julie had to be home by 11:00.

What would be the
use of me riding around

and freezing for an
hour, just to be a big shot?

Hey, boys, breakfast's ready.

Come and get it
or I'll throw it out.

Coming, Uncle Billy.

Hey Beav, you
haven't washed up yet.

Uncle Billy won't care.

Hey, don't be so
sure about that.

Just because he's a nice
guy, that's no excuse for you

to go running around
looking like a slob.

Aw, but Wally...

Just get in there before you're
condemned by the board of health.

Boy, that sure was a
swell breakfast, Uncle Billy.

Yeah. I must have eaten
twelve and a half pancakes.

Yeah, I noticed that, Beaver.

You must not be feeling
very well this morning.

Say, what are you fellows up to?

I thought we'd give you
a hand with the dishes.

This is kind of a
vacation for you.

I'll do the dishes.
You just run along.

Well, I do have to
be at track practice.

And I was going to go
to the movies with Allen.

Yeah? Say, how about a little of
Uncle Sam's best green pocket liner?

- There you are.
- Gee, thanks, Uncle Billy.
- Here, Wally.

Thanks a lot, Uncle
Billy, but I couldn't.

I've got my own money, and...

I'm boss around here. Now
you take it. That's an order.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much.

We'll be going as soon as
we finish making our beds.

Say, I'll make
you a deal on that.

I'll make the beds this week,
you make them next week.

But Uncle Billy, you
won't be here next week.

Say, that's right.

I guess I come out on
the short end of that deal.

We'll see you later.

Oh, boys?

That money I gave you... Now
don't go spending it foolishly.

Spend it on a good time.

- Are you kidding?
- Uh-uh.

On top of that, he gave me
the money to go to the show.

Boy, your uncle sounds
too good to be a relative.

Yeah.

Hey, there's Gilbert.

Hi, Gilbert. You're
going to the movies?

I was, but I don't
have any money left.

I spent $3.00 on a pogo stick.

A pogo stick? But you're
too big for a pogo stick.

Yeah, I know, but I didn't
find that out till I bought it.

That's tough.

My Uncle Billy gave me
enough money for me and Allen,

but he didn't give me
enough for you, Gilbert.

I sure wish I could see it.

This movie is about
real, authentic history.

- How do you know?
- Because it's got Tony Curtis
playing a Roman General.

It must be good.

Even the ads got blood in them.

- I know how I can get in.
- Yeah?

You two guys go in and sit
near the exit door on the side.

Then when you hear
me scratch on the door,

you open it, and I'll sneak in.

You mean you
sneak in for nothing?

Uh-uh, Gilbert. I'm not
taking a chance like that.

Look, Beaver, you're not
the one sneaking in. It's me.

I don't know. If they caught us,

they'd never let
us in here again.

Come on, Beaver. All you
got to do is open the door.

Guy's got a right to open a door
a little for fresh air, hasn't he?

Sure. They can't
arrest you for breathing.

I don't know.
That's kid's stuff.

It's not going to hurt you.

Then I'll see you guys in there.

You're a neat guy,
doing this for me.

But Gilbert...

There's the exit door, Beav.

I know, I know.

I think I hear
Gilbert out there.

Shh.

There it goes again.

Open it, Beaver.

Why don't you?

I can't see too
good in the dark.

My mom said it had something to
do with my diet when I was a baby.

Gilbert's scratching like crazy.

You promised him, Beaver.

I don't think I did.

Sure you did.

Shh.

Well, it is getting
kind of warm in here.

Thanks, Beav.

- Okay, you two.
- But Mister, I was only...

I know what you were doing.

Come along with me, both of you.

What do you think
they'll do to us, Gilbert?

They can't hit you or anything.

That's against the
law until you're 21.

Yeah, but I think they're
allowed to shake us.

I know what they'll do.

They'll call our parents.

What makes you so sure?

'Cause that's what they did
when they caught me before.

You mean they caught
you sneaking in here before?

Then how come
you tried it again?

I guess I wanted to
see Tony Curtis real bad.

I got a break, though.
My dad's not home.

He's out golfing.

Yeah? Well, my parents
aren't home, either.

Only my Uncle Billy.

Hey, Beav, that's
a break for you.

Isn't Uncle Billy the one

who gave you the
money for the show

and is always doing
neat stuff for you?

Yeah. He's a swell guy.

You're lucky, because
if your dad was home,

he'd take the side
of the manager.

Hey, Uncle Billy
wouldn't do that.

He likes me and Wally real well.

He lets us do
anything we want to.

Boy, you just wait and see.

He won't let any
manager push us around.

That's the one that opened
the door, Mr. Gaines.

Then the other one sneaked in.

Mm-hm. They're both
old enough to know better.

What's your name?

Nobody's home at my house.

What is your name?

Gilbert Bates.

- Bates?
- Yes, sir?

Didn't we catch you sneaking
in here about two months ago?

It could have been
my twin brother, sir.

He looks a lot like me.

Your name?

Beaver... Uh, Theodore Cleaver.

Phone number?

KL5-4763.

All right, young man.

We'll just get your
father down here,

and let him know
what you've done.

We'll get back to you later.

Sir, my father's
not home, either.

His uncle is.

Sorry, Beav.

He'll do.

Hello?

Hello?

Who?

My nephew?

Yeah. What's he
doing in your office?

With a friend of his?

Uh-huh. Yes, well,
I'll be right down.

Hey, Beaver?

Uncle Billy?

Hey, is anybody home?

Hello? Oh, hi, Dad.

We just thought we'd call and
see how you were getting along.

What's that?

What's happened? Who's sick?

Oh, we're doing fine.
Like Uncle Billy says,

things are going along as
smooth as grease on a griddle.

To quote Uncle Billy,

things are going along as
smooth as grease on a griddle.

Wally, is Uncle Billy
there? I'd like to talk to him.

No. Beaver went to the movies,

and Uncle Billy's
car's not out there.

He might have gone
down to the market,

'cause we've really been
eating up the food around here

like it's going out of style.

Uncle Billy said that, too.

Well, we just wanted
to know how you were.

Yeah, well, tell Mom she doesn't
have a thing to worry about.

Uncle Billy fed us a
great big breakfast,

and then he cleaned
up the kitchen.

And boy, you
ought to see it, Dad.

Tell Mom it's even cleaner
than when she does it.

Well, that part we'd
better not mention.

What part had you
better not mention?

All right, Wally. We'll
see you tomorrow. Bye.

Ward, you're keeping
something from me.

Just that your
kitchen is immaculate.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad Billy and the
boys are getting along so well.

Your usher claims
he saw my nephew

let this friend of
his in the exit door.

Yes, sir.

I see.

Now Beaver, I know you
have your side of this story.

Yes, Uncle Billy.

See, I was sitting
in the theater,

and it got kind of warm,

and I was sitting right
next to the exit door.

So I thought I'd walk out
and get a little air, and I...

Theodore, did you open that door

so your friend could sneak in?

Well, yes, sir, but I...

Mr. Gaines, I want to thank
you for calling me down here.

I want to apologize
for my nephew's action.

I've always been
very fond of this boy,

but right now, I'm
almost ashamed

to have him for a nephew.

What do you think would be

the right punishment
for these two?

Well, usually in these cases,

we bar the offenders from
the theater for two weeks.

Two weeks? I wouldn't do that.

I'd make it two months.

Theodore, I'm not
finished with you yet.

Oh. I thought you were,

on account of you didn't
say anything to me in the car.

Gee, Uncle Billy, I didn't
do anything so terrible.

All I did was help a
guy get in the movies.

I'm not saying it's the
first time it ever happened.

When I was a kid, I crawled
under my share of circus tents.

But it's the setup for the thing

that gets me hot
under the collar.

- The setup?
- Yeah.

Your mother and your father
went away on a weekend.

They left me here in charge.

I tried to make it
fun for you boys.

I let you do as you want,

come and go as you
want, and I trusted you.

But you took me for
some kind of a push-over.

Thought you could
get away with anything.

But gee, Uncle Billy, I...

Don't Uncle Billy me.

Don't give me any more
of your lame excuses.

Young man, you
go up to your room.

I'm very disappointed in you.

Yeah, Wally, I'm very
disappointed in Uncle Billy.

What are you talking about?

Well, he bawled
me out at the theater,

then we got home and he
bawled me out some more.

What did you expect him to do?

Go down to the theater and
punch the manager in the nose?

I didn't expect
anything that good,

but I figured he could
have yelled at him a little.

Boy, Beaver, you're
really a mixed-up kid.

Wally, all my life, Uncle
Billy's been such a swell guy.

In the past couple days,
he's been making our beds

and letting us wash
dishes with the hose

and talking to us like a pal,

and then, all of a sudden,
he starts acting mean.

Look, Beaver, Uncle
Billy isn't being mean.

You double-crossed him.
That's the way anybody would act.

How come you know
so much about it?

Look, Beaver, just
'cause I'm your brother,

that doesn't make me
automatically stupid.

Okay. If you know so much,

what are Mom and
Dad going to say

when Uncle Billy
tells them what I did?

I don't know, exactly.

But take it from me... That's when
the yelling's really going to start.

I guess so.

Boy, to think I got into all this
trouble on account of Tony Curtis.

Well, the house
never looked better.

Well, I had a couple
of pretty good helpers.

How'd things go, Billy?

Oh, they...

Well, I'll give you a
blow-by-blow description.

On that first night,
we had a barbeque,

and Beaver and I
watched television.

Yesterday, I let
the boys sleep late,

then we had breakfast.

Wally went out to practice.

Beaver went to a show.

That sounds fine. Anything else?

Oh, yes. I almost forgot.

We had lunch.

Ward, tell us about
your weekend.

Well, made sure you
two behaved yourselves.

Well, I got in a little golf.

Caught a couple of fish,
then June and Gladys

decided we ought to come
inside, so we played a little bridge.

Good-bye, Billy. Thanks a lot.

Well, boys, long
way to California.

I have some business
out there in Los Angeles.

Any movie actors you
want me to say hello to?

I guess if you saw
Tuesday Wells,

you could say hello
to her for Wally.

Oh, sure thing.

Well, take care
of yourself, Wally.

Be seeing you again
in a couple of months.

Good. Thanks a lot,
Uncle Billy. I'll see you.

Good-bye, Uncle Billy.

And really, thanks a lot.

What for, making the beds?

Remember, you do it next week.

No, I mean for not
telling Mom and Dad

about that mess at the movies.

Well, Beav, the
way I look at it,

you did it, you got
caught, you were punished,

and you said you were sorry.

Yeah, but that's
the kind of thing

a guy could get yelled at
for a whole week for doing.

I figure if folks
keep telling a kid

over and over
again that he's bad,

the first thing you know, he's
going to start believing it himself,

and try to live up to it.

I don't want that to happen
to my favorite nephew.

So long, Beav.

Good-bye, Uncle Billy.

Bye, Ward. So long, June.

- Good-bye, Billy. Take it easy.
- See you later.

Well, Beaver, that was quite
a chat you had with Uncle Billy.

Was he telling you another
one of those stories of his?

Yeah, Dad. It's one of the
best ones he ever told me.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA