Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 5, Episode 31 - Brother vs. Brother - full transcript

Beaver feels betrayed when the first girl he ever wanted to bring home after school falls for big brother Wally as soon as they get there.

[Announcer] Starring...

and...

Well, class, we're gonna have
a new student this morning.

A transfer from Hamilton.

I hope it's a guy.

Yeah, one who
plays center field.

Fat chance.

Just our luck it'll
be some dopey girl.

Oh, come in, Miss Tyler.

Class, this is Mary Tyler.

[Class] Hi, Mary.



Hello.

See? It's a dopey girl.

Mary, you can take
that seat right over there.

You'll find the books
underneath the desk.

We'll start with our grammar.

Lesson 14.

All right now.

Mr. Cleaver, would you
read the first sentence?

Mr. Cleaver?

Present.

[class laughs]

I doubt that very much.

Theodore, we're trying to
start our grammar lesson.

Oh, sure.



Well now, I realize
that we all want to make

our new student feel at home.

But let's not overdo it.

Wally?

Yeah?

If I ask you something,

will you promise
not to laugh at me?

Yeah, well, I'll try.

When did you first
start liking girls?

I mean, not 'cause
Mom and Dad made you,

'cause you wanted to.

Gee, I don't know.

I guess when I
was about your age.

It kinda sneaks up on you.

When you first started to
like one, were you nervous?

What's all this
talk about girls for?

Did you meet one
you like or something?

Yeah, Mary Tyler.

I don't know if I like her.

I keep looking
at her all the time.

Yeah, well, that's one
of the symptoms, all right.

Well, yeah, Wally.

But what does a guy do
about it besides looking at her?

Well, you could walk
her home from school.

I was thinking about that.

But what do you do
when you're walking?

Can't walk in the gutter or
kick rocks, like she was a guy.

What are you
asking me for, Beav?

I've seen you and Gilbert and
Richard walking home with girls.

Sure, but that's different.

We try to trip them
up and stuff like that.

Well, you just talk.

Well, what do you talk about?

Well, anything.

It doesn't have to be
like Huntley and Brinkley.

You just talk, and she
talks, and the two of you talk.

Hey look, Beav, I gotta
finish my homework.

You know, there's
one thing, though.

If you want this
girl to like you,

you gotta quit going
around like such a little slob.

Yeah. Boy, when you
get mixed up with girls,

you sure have to give
up a lot, don't you?

Wally, will you please go up and
see what's keeping your brother?

Sure, Mom.

You know, I never
can figure it out.

The way he looks after he's dressed, it
shouldn't take him more than 15 seconds.

Hey, Beav, I've already
had my breakfast.

Mom wants to know
when you're coming down.

- Well, in a minute.
- You've been up here
for 15 minutes.

No guy could wash that long.

Hey, you're using
my after-shave lotion.

Sorta.

For that girl, huh?

Well, you told me
not to be a slob.

Well yeah, but I didn't
tell you to use that.

Everybody might laugh at you.

A little kid your age isn't
supposed to smell that good.

Anyway, hurry up before
they get mad at you.

He'll be right down, Mom.

Thanks, Wally.

You got a game today, Wally?

Yeah. We're playing Riverside.

You know, we might
beat them this year.

Oh?

Yeah. Their first-string
pitcher's got a virus.

That can be very contagious.

I don't want you getting
too close to that other team.

Well gee, Mom, if you get a
hit, you gotta run the bases.

Well, you just keep
a safe distance.

Yeah, sure, Mom.

I'm sorry I was late.

I was getting cleaned up.

[sniffing]

If you smell something funny, it's
'cause I spilled some stuff on me.

After-shave lotion, huh?

Uh, yes, sir.

[sniffing]

Beaver, you haven't been
trying to shave, have you?

Oh gee, no, Mom.

Well, Beaver, you can't go
to school smelling like that.

You go on upstairs now
and get that washed off.

You go ahead, Beaver.

I'll keep your breakfast hot.

Okay.

And hurry up, Beaver.

Ward, he couldn't have
spilled that much on him.

I think love has come
to Beaver Cleaver.

Well, I think it's
absolutely ridiculous.

Smells like a barber shop.

June, it's his first love.

You can expect anything
from him. We all had them.

Oh?

How interesting.

Sure. I remember my first love.

Her face was a mass of freckles.

She had burnt-orange hair

and one tooth that was
slow in coming down.

She sounds enchanting.

I loved her, though.

Until my second love came along.

I'll never forget her.

Her hair was dark. She...

Just where did I come in?

Oh, you were along
about 14th or 15th, I'd say.

Give or take one love.

And may I ask why
you stopped there?

June, dear, you know very
well why I stopped there.

Your father had a Hupmobile.

"I" is the subject,
"went" is the verb,

"home" is the object,
"for" is a preposition,

and "dinner" is the object
of the preposition "for."

Very good.

Mr. Harrison, will you
read the next sentence?

[bell rings]

We'll pick up our prepositions
at this point tomorrow.

Come on, Beav. We're gonna
go over to Richard's house

and try to teach his
pet rat to roll over.

Well, I don't think I can go.

I think I gotta
go to the dentist.

You guys go ahead.

You got holes in your teeth?

No. I think they're just
gonna take pictures of them.

What are your teeth doing,

going in the movies
or something?

Search me.

[door closes]

Hi, Mary.

Hi.

I was just wondering...

That is, you don't
have to or anything.

Just if you feel like it.

Feel like what?

Well, I thought I could
walk you home or something.

Oh, that would be very nice.

And I'll carry your books too.

They're kind of heavy, and you
might get a charley horse or something.

Hey, Gil, look.

Hey, he said he
had to see his dentist.

Yeah.

Hey, Beav, is she your dentist?

Hey, Mary, my tooth
hurts. Fix it, huh?

Yeah, me too. I've
got about 50 cavities.

Can I make an appointment?

Why don't you guys dry up?

Beaver, what are
they talking about?

Oh, don't listen to them.

Come on, Mary.

Hey, Beav, you're lucky.

My dentist has a mustache.

- Hello, Beaver.
- Hi, Mom.

This is Mary.

Well, how do you do, Mary?

Hello, Mrs. Cleaver.

We were gonna go
over to her house,

but her mother's
having a bridge party.

Oh. Well, I'm glad
you came over here.

Well, we're gonna go up to
my room and play Monopoly.

Fine. Want some
cookies and milk?

Well, I might like a...

She doesn't want anything.

We had a couple of day-old
eclairs on the way home.

Come on, Mary.

Two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Hey.

Yeah? Well, you got
all the office buildings

and I'm all out of fake money.

So I guess you win again.

I don't feel like
playing anymore.

Me neither.

- Beaver.
- Yes, Mary?

How did you happen
to ask to walk me home?

Gee, I don't know.

Did you ever walk any girl
home from school before?

No. This is the first time.

I guess that's why
I'm not so good at it.

Well, I never even had
a girl in my house before.

Your mother's a girl.

No, she's not.

Nobody's mother is a girl.

Which girl in class
do you like best?

Well, being that I
walked you home,

maybe you, I guess.

I think maybe I like
you the best, too.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, that's nice.

- Beaver?
- Yeah?

I won't walk home
with any other boy

if you don't walk home
with any other girl.

Well, I don't think any
other girls in my class

would walk home with me.

They've all known me too long

and they think I'm too creepy.

Then you won't walk
home with any other girls?

No, I guess not.

Will you shake on it?

Well, okay.

Well gee, I never shook
hands with a girl before.

Well, except once after a fight,
and then the teacher made me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This is Mary. This
is my brother Wally.

Hi.

Hello.

Well, if he's gonna take a bath,

you'll have to get out of here.

Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm just gonna wash up.

Well, you don't have to get out.

You know something, Wally?

What?

Me and Mary made this deal.

Neither one of us is gonna
walk home with anybody else.

You know something, Beav?

I gotta stop looking
at you like a little kid.

You're an operator.

Do you go to
Mayfield High, Wally?

Well, yeah.

I'll walk you home now,
Mary, if you want me to.

There's no rush.

Are you on the baseball team?

Oh. Well, yeah.
Yeah, how'd you know?

I went to see you play
once with my father.

You were wonderful.

Oh. Well, heck,
I'm not that good.

Yes, you are.

And you're so strong. I
never saw such big muscles.

Did you ever see mine, Mary?

Is this your baseball
glove, Wally?

Well, sure.

What does it look like?

Hey, Mary, you wanna
listen to my transistor radio?

Not now. Wally...

Look, Mary, I gotta beat it.

My mom wants me
to go to the store.

Oh. Then you don't have
to walk me home, Beaver.

Wally can walk me home.

Oh. Well gee, Mary.

I probably won't
go by your house.

You see, I cut through
vacant lots and stuff.

I don't care.

Well, besides, I've got a
lot of things on my mind, too.

I won't bother you.

Well, look, when I
walk, I walk real fast.

You see, I'm in a hurry.

I like to walk fast.

Goodbye, Beaver.

Well, I'll see you, Beav.

Boy. My own brother.

Ward, we should do something.

He didn't open his mouth
during the whole meal.

And no dessert.

I know.

I think it's me he's mad at.

Well, I don't suppose you should
have walked his little friend home.

But I didn't have any
choice. She insisted.

I know how he feels.

His first love, and he
loses her to his own brother.

But I... But I didn't hardly
talk to her all the way home.

I guess that's the way
some little girls are.

They become infatuated
with an older boy.

I never did.

I always went out with
the boys in my own class.

Gee, Mom, can you
remember that far back?

Honey, I'm gonna go up
and see if I can talk to him.

Yeah. Tell him he can
get mad at me again

after he finishes his dessert.

[knocking]

Look, Beaver.

This was just one of
those unfortunate things.

It just so happened that the
little girl you were attracted to...

Well, I wasn't attracted to her.

I hated her.

Oh.

I just brought her home

so you could see
what creepy girls

we have in our school.

I see.

But that's no reason Wally's
gotta be such a show-off.

Making muscles and telling her

he was on the baseball
team and everything.

Well, he is, isn't he?

Yeah, but he didn't
have to say so.

He's such a swelled head, he
thinks every girl's crazy about him.

Beaver, Wally
wouldn't do that to you.

Besides, that little girl is too young
for Wally to be interested in her.

Look, Beav, I didn't mean to...

I don't want to
talk to you ever.

Now, Beaver, it
wasn't Wally's fault.

Sure it was, Mom.

He didn't have to
walk her home, did he?

Beav, I didn't know what to do.

Now, why would I want

to walk a little girl like
that home anyway?

Because you think
you're such a big shot.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

[door slams]

Boy, Mom. Imagine him
getting that flaky over a girl.

Well, Wally, I remember
when you were his age.

You used to hang by your
feet from the tree out front,

waiting for Mary Ellen
Rogers to come by.

Oh, yeah. Hmm,
forgot about that.

Dear, I'm afraid
he's inconsolable.

Yeah. He really chopped me.

I think it's just terrible.

Brother against brother.

Well, that's what can
happen to a fellow's life

when a woman comes into it.

Oh, hi, Gilbert. Hi, Rich.

Hey, Beav, we were waiting
for you over at the playground.

I didn't feel like
going over there.

What are you hanging
around here for?

I don't know. I just feel like
hanging around, that's all.

I saw your brother over at the
store yesterday with your dentist.

You want a poke in the nose?

No. I was just kidding.

Boy, Beav, what'd he do?
Steal her away from you?

Who cares? I didn't
want her anyway.

She's a crumb.

Boy, it's really something when
you can't even trust your own brother.

I once saw this movie where
these two brothers were pirates

and then they captured
this Maureen O'Hara lady.

And then even though they'd
been brothers all their life,

they started fighting over her.

Yeah, somebody's always fighting
over Maureen O'Hara in the movies.

Yeah, she's real good
at getting fought over.

I'm never gonna go
near girls anymore.

Well, they only cause trouble.

They're no fun anyway.

They're always going around
worrying about getting their dresses dirty.

Yeah, and they won't even
go on the roller coaster.

Yeah, so why don't you
come over to the park

and horse around with us, Beav?

No. I don't feel
like horsing around.

I just feel like staying here.

See you, then.

Hey, listen. If we see Mary, you
want us to tell her you hate her?

No. I don't even like her
enough to tell her that.

Hello, Wally.

Mary. What are you doing here?

I just thought we could
walk to school together.

They're both in
the same direction.

Well, I like to walk alone.

I won't bother you.

Look, Mary, I happen to
be a junior in high school,

and you're only
in grammar school.

Why don't you hang around
with kids your own age?

I like you better.

Well, you're not
supposed to like me.

I can't help it. I like
you the same way

my big sister likes Tony Curtis.

Well, what's wrong with Beaver?

Oh, nothing.

He's just sort of childish.

Yeah, well, that's what
you're being right now.

So why don't you
wise up and run along?

- Huh?
- You're mean.

I am not.

I'm just trying to
straighten you out

so you won't end
up looking goofy.

Now you're calling me goofy.

That's the meanest
thing I ever heard of.

I don't like you anymore.

Well, I'm sorry, Mary,

but I'm just trying to keep you
from acting like a dopey little girl.

Little girl? Wally Cleaver, do you
know what I'm gonna do to you?

I'm never gonna speak to
you again as long as I live.

You keep on studying
until the bell rings.

I have to attend
a faculty meeting.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[door closes]

Psst.

Psst. Psst.

Psst.

[bell rings]

Hi, Mom.

Well, hello, Beaver.

What's for dinner?
I'm gonna be starved.

Well, I'm glad you
recovered your appetite.

It's roast beef.

Good.

Hey, Mom, is Wally home?

Mm-hmm. He's upstairs.

Oh. Well, I've got
something to tell him.

And I don't know how to do it.

Oh?

Yeah. You see, Mom,
Mary likes me again,

and she asked me
to walk her home.

But I told her to drop dead.

Oh, Beaver, couldn't you have
thought of another way of saying it?

Yeah. I thought
of a lot of ways.

But "drop dead" was the nicest.

Well, what are you
worried about Wally for?

Gee, Mom, he's liable to
get sore, a girl dumping him.

I know how it is.

I went through the
same thing myself.

Well, Beaver, I think
Wally will understand.

It's not my fault she
decided to like me again.

Of course not.

Mom, how come
girls are so nutty,

always changing
their mind like that?

Oh, that's just the way they are
when they become aware of boys.

Did you go through
the same thing, Mom?

Well, I don't exactly remember.

I guess I was no different
from the rest of them.

Sure you were, Mom.

I bet you weren't half
as goofy as Mary is.

[door opens]

Hi, Wally.

Hi, Beav.

I'm not sore at you anymore.

It's okay with me.

But you're allowed to
be sore at me, though.

Why?

Today, Mary wanted me to
walk home from school with her.

But I didn't do it.

You don't like her anymore, huh?

Well, I don't think so.

At least, I didn't have any
trouble telling her to drop dead.

Well, that's a good sign
you don't like her, all right.

But what do you think
made her like me again?

You didn't say anything
to her, did you, Wally?

Well, uh, well gee, no, Beav.

I've hardly seen that
Mary since the first day.

I guess she just decided that
she liked you better than me.

Yeah. I guess that's
how it goes, huh?

Well, I'm not gonna mess
around with girls anymore.

They're too confusing.

Sure, Beav. Look at me.

I'm practically grown up, and
I can't even figure them out.

Here, Wally.

Hey, Mom. When's
Dad gonna be home?

Oh, he had to work
a little late, honey.

What's up?

Nothing. I just had

a trigonometry problem
for him to help me with.

Oh. Well, I'll help you.

Oh. Well, that's okay, Mom.

You're pretty busy with the
paper there and everything.

I think I'll just wait
till he gets home.

[phone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah, he's here. Just a minute.

Hey, Beaver, telephone.

Who is it?

I think it's that Mary Tyler.

She didn't even sound mad.

Oh, dear.

I hope that little
romance isn't on again.

Here you are.

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Hello, Mary.

Yeah, I do.

Well, sure I do.

Yeah, it's tomorrow.

No, I wouldn't tell
you if it wasn't true.

Okay, goodbye.

Beaver?

What was that all about?

That sounded important.

It was.

Yeah, what was all
that mushy talk about?

What do you mean, mushy talk?

Mary asked me if the school
nurse was gonna look in our ears

either tomorrow or Wednesday.

So I told her tomorrow.

How about that, Mom?

The whole thing was nothing.

Yes. I don't know whether
to feel sad or happy.

You know, Mom, sometimes
you act just like a girl.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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