Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 5, Episode 20 - Nobody Loves Me - full transcript

Starring...

and...

Look at all the books

telling what's wrong with kids.

Yeah.

Boy, I never knew we
were so creepy before.

Well, we're not really creepy.

We're only creepy
to our parents.

Gee, I don't think my
parents think I'm creepy.

Well, sure they do, Beav.

It's just that they
don't talk about it



when you're around.

Hey, look at that book.

The Awkward Age.

What's the awkward age?

Well, that's when a kid gets
clumsy and awkward and ugly

and nobody likes him.

Well, when does it happen?

Well, all of the sudden,
you start shooting up

and your clothes don't fit

and your ears get
too big for your face.

And nobody likes him?

Yeah.

Well, how do you know when
you're at that age, Richard?

That's when your
parents keep telling you



to get lost and go
watch television.

Oh.

Well, boy, I'm glad
we're not at that age.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, hi, dear.

Hi.

Well, June, isn't
this the time of day

you should be slaving
over a hot stove?

I am. Waiting for the
TV dinners to thaw out.

What are you doing with
the old picture album?

Oh, I was cleaning
and I ran across it.

Look, honey. That was
taken on our honeymoon.

Well, 18 years of your cooking
haven't taken too much toll,

have they?

I don't care what people say.

I think you're as
good-looking as you were then.

Oh, honey, look.

Here are some of the children.

Look. That's Wally's
third birthday party.

Isn't that Eddie Haskell
with his hand in the cake?

Uh-huh.

Remember? He threw himself
on the floor and screamed

because Wally wouldn't
open his present first.

Yeah, even in those days

Eddie's character
was developing.

Oh, look. There's one of Beaver

taken that summer
we spent at the beach.

Do you remember?

He used to call the fish fifis.

Uh-huh. He also
called birds fifis.

As a matter of fact,
when he got carsick,

he called that fifi, too.

What are you guys laughing at?

Well, Beaver, we're
laughing at you.

Gee, do I look that funny?

No, son, we were just looking

at some pictures of you
when you were younger.

Oh, Ward, look.

Beaver must have been
about 6 years old then.

Look at those curls.

Looks just like a little
angel, doesn't he?

You know, women used
to stop me on the street

and want to hug him.

He was so cute and
cuddly at that age.

Beaver, please don't
breathe down my neck.

Oh, sorry, Mom.

Hey, is that me?

Yeah, that's you, Beaver.

You're in a ski suit
standing in the snow.

You looked just like
a cute little teddy bear.

Beaver, your
hands are just filthy.

Gee, Dad, how can
you tell? I got mittens on.

No, I mean right now.

Beaver, have you
been playing in mud?

Oh, gee, no, Mom.

The guy down at
the service station

gave me and Gilbert a
whole can full of grease.

Yeah, well, you go upstairs

and see if you
can't make yourself

look a little more presentable.

Yes, Dad.

Ward, look. That's Beaver

the first day of dancing school.

Isn't he sweet all
scrubbed and polished?

Yeah, I don't think he's
been that clean since.

Boy, you creepy-looking kid.

Beaver, what are
you doing on my bed?

Hi, Wally.

I said, "What are you
doing on my bed?"

Thinking.

Why don't you think
on your own bed?

Too much junk on it.

Well, why don't you just put
all your junk where it belongs

and get your dirty
feet off my bed?

Wally, do you think I'm cute?

Cute? Oh, brother.

Then I guess you don't
think I'm cuddly, either.

Cuddly?

Boy, Beaver, you
should know better

than to ask me a
question like that.

Well, then, what am I?

Look, Beaver, I'm your brother.

I don't have the
heart to tell you.

Dad, do you think maybe I
could move into the guest room?

Well, Wally, if you did that,
we wouldn't have a guest room.

Oh, yeah.

How much would it cost to
add a room onto the house

like... like, say, over
the garage or something?

Beaver, your
dinner's getting cold.

Look, dear, if he
doesn't come down,

I think you should just
take the plate off the table.

It might teach him a lesson.

Wally, why would you
want a room of your own?

Well, it's just that

I'm sick and tired
of living in a pig pen.

A pig pen?

Yeah, Dad, you ought
to see that room of ours.

Why, Beaver lies all over my bed

with his dirty shoes on,

and he puts all his
junk on the closet floor.

And there's dirty socks
behind the dresser.

And he has shoe polish
all over the bathroom.

Well, Wally, it
wouldn't hurt you

to pick up that
room a little bit.

Well, gee, Mom, it's unsanitary.

Why, a guy would
have to have shots

before he could
clean up that room.

Well, Beaver, thank you
for deigning to join us.

What in the world were you
doing up there all this time?

Looking in the clothes hamper
trying to find a shirt to wear

that wasn't too dirty to
wear down to supper.

Well, why didn't you get a
clean one out of the dresser?

I didn't want
Wally to yell at me

for messing up the drawers.

I wouldn't yell at him.

It doesn't do any good.

You march right back
upstairs, young man,

and put on a clean shirt.

Ward, if he does that,
his dinner will get cold.

Well, all right,

but don't you come down to
dinner again looking a mess.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Beaver.

All over the tablecloth.

Beaver, try not to be so clumsy.

All right, throw me
in reform school

for spilling a glass of water.

Now, that will be enough
of that, young man.

Yes, sir.

Who's winning?

Who can tell? The
game's not over yet.

Oh, I get it. Mom's ahead.

You know, Dad, if I were
you, I'd lay my hand down.

Thanks, Beaver,
for the information.

Thought you'd gone to bed.

Oh, I did, Dad,
but then I figured

I better come back
down and say good night.

But I don't want
to interrupt you.

Good night, Beav.

Gin.

Well, you only got
9 points out of me.

9 points plus 25.

That makes 34.

Is it okay if I say
good night now?

Oh, good night, Beaver.

Sleep tight.

Beaver, do you
have to stand there

and look over my shoulder?

Is it any crime to look
over your shoulder

when you're doing trigonometry?

Well, what's the use
of looking at something

you don't even understand?

Well, that's what you're doing.

Well, yeah, but
they're making me.

Wally?

Yeah?

Well, you know Mom and Dad.

Well, of course I
know Mom and Dad.

Well, I don't think they
even like me anymore.

Well, now, what would make
you think a goofy thing like that?

I'll tell you what.

They didn't kiss me good night.

Listen, Beaver.

For a year now, you've
been making a big deal

about them kissing
you good night.

You told them that
you were too big

for sloppy stuff like that.

Yeah, I guess I did.

What are you beefing about?

I don't know, but it
seems like they should

at least try to kiss
me good night,

even if I don't like it.

Oh, you're goofy.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Wally.

The manufacturers certainly
don't give you much material

to let down cuffs
with these days.

Yeah, the Beaver sure
is shooting up these days,

isn't he?

Uh, Mom,

there's kind of something
I'd like to talk to you about.

That is if you've got time.

Yeah, I've got all
the time in the world.

Well, I just don't
want you to think

I'm criticizing or anything.

Well, Wally, we're a family.

We should all say what we think.

Well, I know the Beaver's
a clumsy, goofy little kid,

but gee, Mom,
after all, he is yours.

And he's Dad's, too.

And well, I guess most
kids do go through it.

Through what?

Being repulsive.

Repulsive?

Well, yeah.

Hey, you know,
like spilling stuff

and not changing his
shirt until he gets yelled at

and stuff like that.

And well, I was
just kind of thinking

that maybe you and Dad
could be a little nicer to him,

even if you had
to force yourself to.

Force myself to be
nice to my own little boy?

Wally, what a thing to say.

You're mad, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

I'm confused.

Does Beaver think that I
haven't been nice to him?

Oh, he's got some goofy idea

that you and Dad don't
love him like you used to.

Wally.

Oh, it's nothing, Mom,

but well, I just
thought I'd mention it

so that maybe next
time when you see him,

you can kind of go overboard.

Wally, we love Beaver just
the way we always have.

Oh, well, it's not
you and Dad, Mom.

It's him.

You see, Mom, Beaver's
never been this age before.

Hello, Miss Landers.
Do you need any help?

Why, it's Theodore, isn't it?

Yes, ma'am.

Theodore Cleaver.

Don't you remember him?

I mean me.

Well, of course I do,
Beaver. Forgive me.

It's just that you've shot up
so since you were in my class.

Just like a beanpole.

I look like a beanpole?

Oh, well, not literally, Beaver,

but well, when this happens,
I just can never get used to it.

I always think of my students

the way they were when
they first started in my class.

You know, cute little fellows
that came up to about here.

Well, I just thought I'd
come in and say hello.

Well, I'm glad to
see you, Beaver.

Um, what do you
think of our art exhibit?

Well, that one's pretty
good for a kid that age.

Now, isn't it interesting

that you should
single that one out?

Michael Barkley did that,

and he reminds me
very much of you.

I mean, the way you were then...

Fresh and naughty and
bright, just as cute as a button.

This Michael, is he your pet?

Oh, now, I don't
have pets, Theodore.

You ought to know that.

Yes, Miss Landers.

Mr. Blair tells me

you're doing just fine
in his class, Beaver.

Oh, yes, ma'am,

but he doesn't call me Beaver.

He calls me Mr. Cleaver.

Oh, well, I guess that's to let
you know you're growing up.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Well, I got to be going now.
Good-bye, Miss Landers.

Good-bye, Mr. Cleaver.

Hello, Gus.

Hmm?

Oh, hello there, young fellow.

I'm not a young
fellow, Gus. I'm Beaver.

Why, so it is.

Been a long time, Beaver.

Why, Chief, I'm
surprised at you.

This here's your old
friend Beaver Cleaver.

Hi, Chief. Don't
you remember me?

Yeah, Chief may forget a face,

especially when it's up
higher than it used to be,

but he never forgets
a smell. No, sir.

Hi, Chief. Hi, Chiefy.

Hi, Chief.

Where have you been
keeping yourself, young fellow?

Oh, school, I
guess. Stuff like that.

Gus, I guess you wouldn't
be needing anybody

to help you polish the
engines, would you?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Beaver,

right now I'm pretty
well fixed for polishers.

Oh, well, I'd be
glad to help you.

Oh, thanks just the same,

but Mousy and Wilbur
come by every day or two.

Mousy and Wilbur?

Yeah, that Mousy. Not
much bigger than a mouse.

Cutest little shaver
you ever did see.

And that Wilbur, oh.

Red-haired, freckled,
and two teeth missing.

Bright as a dollar, that Wilbur.

You know what he said
to me the other day?

What?

Well, he said, "Mr. Gus..."

You see, he lisps with
the two teeth out and all.

He said,

"Mr. Gus, you been to
any good fires 'waitly'?"

He's a case.

Them little fellows

just keep us all in
stitches around here.

Oh, well, I'm glad
you got so many guys

to keep you in stitches, Gus.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Good-bye, Gus.

Good-bye, Chief.

Uh, so long, Beaver.

And now, don't make
yourself so scarce, you hear?

Okay, Gus.

Well, what are you
doing here, Richard?

Waiting for a New
Jersey license plate.

You know somebody
from New Jersey?

Now, who would I
know from New Jersey?

Nope, I just can't go home

until I see a New
Jersey license plate.

Says who?

Me.

Oh, you make it up?

Well, sure.

That's a good idea.

It keeps you from
going home, huh?

Yeah.

Pennsylvania, that's close.

Hey, Richard, suppose you didn't
see a New Jersey license plate

until 8 or 9:00 tonight?

Wouldn't your folks be worried
if you didn't come home?

Let them.

Yeah, let them.

Do your parents ever
try to kiss you good night?

They better not.

Yeah, they'd better not.

Does she ever say don't
breathe down her neck?

- Who?
- Your mother.

Oh, sure, lots of
times. My dad, too.

Sometimes he yells at me
for just standing behind him.

Has your dad ever sent
you away from the table

to take a bath because
he said you smelled bad?

No, he never did that.

Well, just wait.

No, local license.

Well, why do they treat
us like that, Richard?

Because we're awkward and ugly.

Yeah, but we're their kids.

Well, that doesn't
mean a thing to them.

It's like birds.

What do you mean like birds?

Well, you know, when
the mothers and fathers

can't stand them anymore,
they push them out of the nest.

Gee, why do we have to
grow up and get repulsive?

Beav, you just got
to get used to it.

Have you?

Well, sure, but I'm three
months older than you are.

And I've been uglier
longer than you.

Uh-oh, New Jersey.

Looks like I'm going to
have to go home now.

Oh, hi, dear, what's cooking?

Hi, honey, I'm glad you're home.

We got a problem.

What's Beaver done now?

It isn't what he's
done. It's us.

We've let him down somehow.

He hasn't run
away again, has he?

No, but it's even
more serious than that.

He thinks we don't love him.

Did he tell you that?

No, Wally did. It
seems Beaver thinks

that he's awkward
and ugly and repulsive.

Poor kid.

Ward, what can we do about it?

Well, wait a minute.

I'm trying to think back to
how I felt when I was that age.

How did you feel?

Well, I felt awkward and ugly

and as though everyone was
making fun of me behind my back.

And you know something?
I still think they were.

Have we been making fun of him?

Yeah, I guess in a way, we have.

At least Beaver thinks we have.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hello, Wally.

Say, Dad, Beaver's
upstairs in the bathroom,

and he's been in
there a pretty long time.

It kind of sounds to
me like he's bawling.

Shouldn't we go up?

You bet we should.

Honey, what are we
going to say to him?

Oh, I think somehow
we'll know what to say

if we just remember
that a boy Beaver's age

needs more assurance
of love and understanding

than he ever has before.

Beaver.

Don't you feel well, son?

I don't know.

Beaver, you're catching a cold.

Yeah, that's it, Mom.
I'm catching a cold.

You know, he might
have a little temperature.

Well, what's a little
old nothing cold?

Oh, well, just the same,

we're not going to
take any chances.

Not where Beaver's concerned.

You're not?

Have I ever?

How do I look, Dad?

Well, you look all
right to me, Beaver,

but then, you always
look fine to me.

I do?

Here we are.

Open your mouth.

Say, June, do you remember
Harvey Stone down at the office?

Mm-hmm.

I had lunch with him today,

and he's having a real
problem with his boy.

- With Johnny?
- Mm-hmm.

How old is he now?

Oh, he's about Beaver's age.

What kind of a problem?

Well, it seems that
Johnny is at that age

where he's all elbows and knees

and he's getting
an Adam's apple.

Anyway, he's got the idea
that nobody loves him anymore,

that everyone's
making fun of him.

Oh, dear.

Harvey's terribly
upset about it.

He says that Johnny thinks

because they don't make
a fuss over him anymore

like they did when
he was little...

You know, telling
him how cute he is

and tuck him into
bed every night...

That they don't love him.

Oh, but as a boy grows,
there are other ways

to show your love
and concern for him.

That's exactly
what I told Harvey.

Well, everybody
loves a little boy,

particularly if he's yours.

They sure can be
troublesome though

when they're little.

But when they get older and,
you know, get to be people,

well, then you can like
them as well as love them.

And if they turned out the
way you hoped they would,

you respect them

the way you hope
they'll respect you.

I know. I know, but Harvey
seems to be having trouble

getting that point
over to Johnny.

I'm afraid that boy
is just not very bright.

Absolutely normal.

Normal in every way.

I am?

How do you feel now, Beaver?

Normal.

Beaver, would you mind
terribly if I kissed you?

Oh, no, Mom, go ahead.

If it will make you feel better.

The Road to Maturity.

Where's that, Richard?

Search me.

Facing Forty Without Fear.

Now, who would
be scared to be 40?

I don't know.

Maybe when you're that old
and your kids have left home,

when you got nothing to do,

I guess maybe you feel bad.

What do you mean?

I think my parents can hardly
wait for me to leave home.

Maybe they just don't
want to get sloppy over you.

You think so?

Well, sure.

Parenthood... The
Ultimate Insecurity.

Gee, Richard,

they've got as many books
about parents' problems

as they had about
kids' problems.

Yeah, I guess parents have

almost as tough
a time as kids do.

I guess so. Let's go home.

Well, I can't.

I haven't seen a New
Jersey license plate today.

Well, that's your problem.
I'm going to go home

and try to be nice to my
mom and dad for no reason.

I think they need it.

Hey, Richard, look. New Jersey.

Yeah.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA