Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 9 - Beaver's I.Q. - full transcript

[Announcer] Starring...

and...

Hi, Mom.

Hi there, Beaver.

Where's Wally?

Wally! Hey, Wally!

Beaver. Wally isn't home yet.

Oh. I've got something
I want to show him.

- [croaking]
- Oh, Beaver!

Beaver, that's a frog!

Come on, get that
off my breadboard.



Well, I got it from
Whitey Whitney.

He thought it was dead,

and he was only gonna
charge me two sticks of gum.

But while we
were talking it over,

it started wiggling,
so he raised it to four.

Where's Wally? I
want to show it to him.

He likes frogs and stuff.

Well, Beaver, I don't know.

You know, Wally's growing up.

He's got other
things on his mind.

Mom, would you get
me a glass of milk?

My hands are all froggy.

All right.

What other things does
Wally have on his mind, Mom?



Well, the future.

Oh, you mean like what
he's gonna do tomorrow.

That's not quite... It's
thinking about, well,

what he's gonna do
when he's really grown up

and when he's a man.

Gee, Mom.

It's hard to think of a
man walking around,

and he'd be me.

You know something, Beaver?

One of these days, you're
gonna be all grown up,

and you're going to have a
wife and a family all your own.

I will?

Of course you will.

Boy, it sure is creepy the
way it works, isn't it, Mom?

Where's Wally anyways, Mom?

Down at school
talking to Mr. Heller.

Principal?

Mm-hm.

How do you know?

Because Mr. Heller called up

and wanted your
father to go down, too.

The principal sent for Dad?

Oh, boy. Wally must
have really done it this time.

Why do you say that?

Well, when you're a little bad,

they just send you to
the principal's office.

And then when you're
a little bit badder,

they give you a
note for your father.

But when the principal
sends for your father,

man, you know you've had it.

You mean, you just
talked about Wally's future?

Mm-hmm.

That's right, but it's a
pretty important topic.

Didn't Mr. Heller bawl you out

or give you extra
study hall or something?

No, we just had a nice talk.

Boy, I never
heard of a principal

wasting a half hour
just having a nice talk.

Beaver, I thought you liked
your principal, Mrs. Rayburn.

Yeah, but I think she's been

in the principal
business so long,

she doesn't get a kick out of
being mean to kids anymore.

Beaver, no teacher gets a
kick out of being mean to kids.

Yeah, Dad.

I guess it just seems
that way when you're a kid.

Wally, what did you decide
in your talk with Mr. Heller?

Well, nothing definite.
We talked about colleges.

You know, Mom, it's
no cinch to get into one.

Butch, a boy in my class,
is going into the Army.

How come?

'Cause you don't have
to take any exams.

All's you gotta
do is be healthy.

Beaver, you're interrupting.

Uh, we talked some
about career, too.

Now, Wally's very good
in math and physics,

so maybe he'll
go in for science.

I think I'll be a sheriff.

Aw, all dumb kids say that.

They do not. I'm the only one.

Beaver, can't you be quiet
for just a couple of minutes?

We're having a
serious discussion.

Yes, sir. Mom, may I be excused?

Why? Are you through?

No, but I think I'll
go someplace else,

where I don't have
to be so serious.

Uh, but you eat
your dessert first.

Yes, sir.

Beaver, would you cut it out?

Look, Beaver, I'm trying
to do my homework.

Why don't you go
somewhere and do something?

I am doing something.

I'm blowing up balloons
and unblowing 'em.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

How's the history coming?

Oh, pretty good, Dad.

Uh, there's just one thing
that I don't understand, though.

Was Napoleon a
liberator or a dictator?

Well, he was both.

First he'd liberate people,
and then he'd dictate to them.

Boy, he sure had it made.

[balloon deflates]

Would you tell
him to cut it out?

Beaver, I want you to stop that.

Yes, sir.

Why aren't you doing your
homework like your brother?

I did my homework
for tomorrow, Dad.

Well then, why don't you
study for the next day's work?

Gee, what if I did that,
and I died before tomorrow?

Look at all the time
I'd have wasted.

You know, Beaver, I'm afraid
you have the wrong attitude.

And if you don't
start buckling down

and applying yourself,
one of these days,

you're going to come up
against a test or something

and find out you're way
behind the rest of the class,

and you're going to be
a very sorry young man.

Yes, sir. [balloon deflates]

I'm sorry, Dad. It just
got away from me.

You know, June,
I'm a little worried

about the Beaver's attitude
toward his school work.

He has absolutely no sense
of responsibility about it.

Well, Ward, he's
just a little boy.

Well, he may be
a little boy now,

but it won't be very many years

before he's face-to-face
with a college entrance exam.

Well, I just can't
picture our Beaver

going off to Princeton in
a pair of faded blue jeans

with a frog in his pocket.

I'm serious about this, dear.

He's at least old enough

to begin to develop
some good study habits

and to give some thought
as to what he's going to be

when he's grown up.

Oh, Ward. When you were
Beaver's age, my goodness,

did you tell your father
what you were going to be?

No, my father told me
what I was going to be.

Well, you're not going
to do that to the Beaver.

Well, of course not.

But in my day, it was enough
if you amounted to something

by the time you were 21.

Today, with child psychology
and Little League baseball,

a kid has to start
amounting to something

by the time he's 11.

My mother always wanted me
to marry a nice successful man

who would be good and
kind and look after me.

Funny, the way mothers dream
about their children, isn't it?

Why do they call
it a nozzle, Gus?

Well, I guess 'cause the
first fella who ever saw one

thought it looked more like
a nozzle than anything else.

Gus, when you
were little like me,

did you have a big brother?

Mm-hm. Still got him.

Was he smart?

Yeah. I was the
slow one in the family.

My pa used to say to
folks, "He's the smart one,"

meaning my brother,

and "He's the good-natured
one," meaning me.

What happened? Did he go to
college and become a doctor?

No, but he did
real well for himself.

He made himself a pile of money.

How?

Well, he went on a
fishing trip down Maine,

and he saw a lot of empty land,

nothing on it but
what nature put on it.

So, like I say, he was smart.

He bought 5,000 acres.

What did he do with it, Gus?

He didn't do nothing with it.

When you've got 5,000
acres, you don't do nothing.

You let the land do the doing.

Well, whenever he
needed some cash,

he sold off a couple of acres.

The rest of the time,
he'd just loaf around.

Gee, Gus. Maybe that's
what I'll do when I grow up.

I'll buy a hunk of land,
and then when I need a car,

or a house, or a
chocolate sundae,

I'll sell a piece of it.

I wouldn't count on it, Beaver.

Things is different now.

You've gotta work
for your money.

You've gotta do the doin'.

You've gotta study
hard, get a good job,

work at it, and stick to it.

Those easy-going days is over.

Yeah.

Boy, Gus, you sure were lucky
being born in the easy days.

I don't know that I was.

Back then, I didn't
have sense enough

to know that they was easy.

Well, now, before
the bell rings,

I have an announcement to make.

Your regular
teacher, Miss Landers,

will be back in a day or two.

And in the meantime,
I'm not going to give you

any arithmetic homework.

Tomorrow, we're
going to have a test.

We're going to have what
is called an intelligence test.

Does anyone know what that is?

Penny.

I do.

It's a test to see
how smart you are.

Oh, Mr. Whitney.

Or how dumb you are.

Like in a spelling test,

you see how smart
you are in spelling,

but in an intelligence test,

you see how smart
you are in everything.

Or how dumb you
are in everything.

Well, not exactly.

Let's say that an
intelligence test

measures your capacity to learn.

It shows us what
your interests are.

[bell ringing]

Well, we'll talk more
about it tomorrow.

Class dismissed.

I bet you I get 100 in
the intelligence test.

Is that the kind of test where
they stick needles in ya?

Heck, no. They measure
the size of your brain.

How do they do that?

What's the matter, Beaver?

Didn't you take one last year?

No, I think I was
home with scarlet tia.

What's that?

It's a rash.

I took a test once where you
put funny-looking blocks together,

and you have to make them fit.

That's to see if you
can be an engineer.

I've seen a lot of trains,

and I never saw an
engineer playing with blocks.

I don't like taking a
test from a principal.

What happens if
you flunk it tomorrow?

They send you to dumb school.

That's what they do.

They've got a whole big
building full of dumb kids.

They give you
chocolate milk at recess

and don't let you go to college.

Gee.

I wouldn't want to
go to dumb school

and drink chocolate milk.

Me, neither.

You're already in the
dumb reading group.

I am not!

I'm just in the
second reading group.

Well, that's dumber than
the smart reading group.

Yeah, but it's not as dumb
as the dumb reading group.

Boy, wait'll they measure
your brain tomorrow.

They won't even
be able to find it.

Ahh!

You're not worried about
the test, are you, Beaver?

Of course not. You
gonna pass it, Whitey?

Sure I'm gonna pass it.

Miss Landers says I'm the
smartest boy in the class.

Yeah, that's right.

Whitey, how'd you get that way?

I don't know.

I've been smart ever
since I can remember.

Hey, Wally.

Hey, Wally, did you ever take
one of those intelligence tests?

Well, sure, lots of them.

Well, what kind of
junk will they ask me?

Well, um, they might
show you a picture

of a whole bunch of houses,

and then you've
got to pick the one

that doesn't have
a chimney on it.

Why would they do that?

Beaver, if you can't tell a
house that has a chimney,

you shouldn't even
be walking around.

What else will they ask me?

Well, they, um,
they might ask you,

if you saw a little girl
on the street crying,

what would you do?

I don't know. I never
mess with little girls.

Beaver, you're supposed to say

that you'd ask
her if she was lost

and then take
her to a policeman.

Yeah?

I guess I could say that,

well, even if I wouldn't do it.

Beaver, you'd
better snap out of it,

or you're gonna goof
up that intelligence test.

Boy, if I ended
up in dumb school

and couldn't go to college,

I guess Dad would be
pretty mad at me, huh?

Well, sure, he would.

He took out a whole
insurance policy

just to send you to college.

And, heck, if you
double-crossed him,

he's liable to kill ya.

Girls have got it
lucky, don't they, Mom?

Why do you say that?

Well, they don't
have to be smart.

They don't have to
get jobs or anything.

All's they've gotta
do is get married.

Well, Beaver, being smart isn't
exactly a drawback to marriage.

Well, if they don't get married,

well, they can
become dressmakers,

or cut people's
nails in a barbershop,

or take care of kids and
a lot of other dumb stuff.

Well, Beaver, today,
girls can be doctors

and lawyers, too, you know.

They're just as
ambitious as boys are.

You mean, there's no dumb
people left in the world, Mom?

Beaver, is there
something bothering you?

Well, kind of, Mom.

We're having an intelligence
test tomorrow in school,

and I don't know
if I'm gonna pass it.

Oh, Beaver. Beaver,
of course you will.

Your father did
very well in school,

and I got good grades.

You had a grandfather
that was a professor.

Why, he was considered
practically a genius!

Yeah, it's nice having all that
smart stuff in the family, Mom.

I just hope it didn't
all get worn out

before it came to me.

Author of the Declaration
of Independence

and apostle of the
Agrarian democracy.

Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809,

President of the
Declaration of Independence

and apostle of the...
Angorian democracy.

The Nile, great river of Africa.

Flows 4,150 miles from its...

ultimatum headstream.

The Kagera.

The Nile, 4,150 miles long,

and its head is
in the stream of...

Beaver!

What in the world are
you doing down here, son?

It's after 11:00.

Studying.

Studying?

Yes, sir. I'm having an
intelligence test tomorrow,

and I'm trying to
fatten up my brain

by reading the
whole encyclopedia.

Well, Beaver, you can't
study for an intelligence test.

It's a, well, it's a test to
measure your natural ability.

You mean, I went and
read all this junk for nothing?

Well, it's never a
waste to learn things,

but... look, son.

You're a bright,
intelligent boy.

Now, I'm sure you've got
absolutely nothing to worry about.

Yeah, I guess so, Dad,

but I wish I was
as sure as you are

that I'm a bright,
intelligent boy.

Come on. Let's go on up to bed.

Hey, Mom, has the bus
already picked up the Beaver?

Oh, no. He wanted to
get to school early today,

so your father drove him down.

Yeah. I guess he
wanted to get there early,

so he'd have more time to
worry about his intelligence test.

Wally, it is all so silly.

Why, he should
be glad to take it.

The modern intelligence
tests they give today

can determine a great
deal about a person.

Gee, Mom. Are those
tests kind of new?

Well, comparatively new.

Boy, you were lucky, Mom.

Now, why do you say I was lucky?

Well, 'cause, on account of

I guess when you
went to high school,

they hadn't invented
intelligence yet.

Bye, Wally.

Bye, Mom.

[bell ringing] All right, class.

Pass your papers forward.

Class dismissed.

I was the first one to
finish, Mrs. Rayburn.

I noticed that, Penny.

I had two falses left over.

Will that count against me?

Well, we'll see, Whitey.

The Nile River is
4,150 miles long.

Wow, that wasn't in the test.

Yeah, but I just wanted
to let you know I knew it.

Oh, fine, Theodore, fine.

Hey, did you say the
triangle could fit in the circle

or the triangle
couldn't fit in the circle?

Heck no. I said the circle
could fit in the triangle.

Boy, Harry, you'll get
killed for that answer.

I wish they would've
asked me what I did

if I found a little
girl who was lost.

I was ready for that one.

It was easy.

I did the whole test
with just half my brain.

I hope it wasn't the dumb half.

Boy, Beaver, having too
many answers left over,

I hope I don't get sent
to that dumb school.

Yeah, me, too. I hope
she can read my paper.

Towards the end, I
kind of ran out of spit.

Hi, dear.

Hi. Well, how was the day?

Ward, why do you always ask
me that when you come home?

Well, I don't know. I thought
you were supposed to.

Well, Beaver's
principal, Mrs. Rayburn,

called a little while ago.

Is something wrong?

No. She had the
results of the IQ test,

and she wanted to let me
know that Beaver did very well.

He's in the top
ten of his class.

Oh, well, good for him.

She said she wasn't surprised,

but nevertheless
she was very pleased.

Yes. Well, of course,
I'm not surprised either.

I always knew he was smart.

I wonder where
the boys get it from.

Well, I had an uncle
who was a judge,

and a grandfather who
was almost a genius.

Have you told him yet?

No. He's upstairs.

I thought I'd save
that pleasure for you.

Thanks, dear.

Hi, Beaver.

Oh, hi, Dad.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just thinking
about the future.

The future?

Yeah. I was wishing

I was an old man
around 80 years old,

and then, if I didn't
amount to anything,

there'd be no one
around to yell at me.

Well, I think you're going to
amount to something, Beaver.

Mrs. Rayburn just called.

She did?

Yeah. You made a very
good mark on that test.

Oh, boy!

You're in the top
ten in your class.

You mean I've got
a high IQ like Wally?

That's right.

Wow. Now I won't have
to go to dumb school,

and I can go to college
and have a career.

Boy, I'm sure glad I said

the circle could
fit in the triangle.

It could have gone the
other way just as easy.

So long, Dad.

Where are you going?

Outside to play.

Oh, now wait a minute.
What about your homework?

Gee, Dad. A guy in the top
ten can do homework any time.

Well, you may be in the top ten

as far as your
intelligence is concerned,

but you're not in the top
ten as far as your grades go.

Well...

Well, I'm kind of in the middle.

That's exactly what
bothers me, Beaver.

Look, son, all I
want is for you to just

live up to your potential,
but you've got a high IQ,

so we're going to expect much
better grades from you in the future.

Gee, Dad.

You mean, now that you
know I've got a high IQ,

you're gonna yell at me more?

I'm not gonna yell at you,

but now I know
you have the ability,

and if you don't
make the most of it,

I'm certainly going to be
very much disappointed.

Look, you've got almost
an hour before dinner.

Why don't you get
started on that homework?

Boy, Dad. It sure
is funny, isn't it?

What's funny?

Yesterday, I was worried
because I wouldn't pass a test,

and now I've got
worries 'cause I passed it.

What's the trouble?

Nothing.

It sure is a nice day out, Dad.

Yes, it is.

Bet all the kids
are over at Whitey's

playing before supper.

Why don't you go
over and join them?

Well, I can't.

I've got to finish

The Last of the
Mohicans for school.

- Oh.
- You know, Dad,

watching Indians on
television is all right,

but reading about
them is rotten.

They do a lot more
talking than they do fighting.

Dad, would you be real mad at me

if I got a B on the Mohicans?

Not if you did the
best you could.

I'll try and do better.

Well, that's fine, Beaver.

You see, Beav, in
school, if you're satisfied to,

you know, just get by, you
develop a lot of lazy habits

that you'll really
regret later on.

Yeah, I guess so, Dad.

What college am I going to?

I don't know.

I guess we'll have to decide
that when the time comes.

Well, I hope it's one
of those neat colleges

like I see in the movies,

where everybody's always
singing and having a good time.

Well, Beaver, let me tell you

one of the hard facts of life.

There just aren't
any colleges like that

anywhere in the world.

Yeah, I didn't think any
teacher would get up

and sing lessons to his class,

even if it was Bing Crosby.