Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 39 - Substitute Father - full transcript

Starring...

and...

Your taxi's here, lady.

Oh, already?

Ward, your taxi's here.

Just a minute, please.

I just started breakfast.
Is it this late already?

You said 7:15, mister.

Yeah, all right, fine.
I'll be right with you.

Hey, fellows,
where's my suitcase?

Coming, Dad.



Here, dear. Let me help you.

You sure you have
plenty of money, dear?

Oh, yes, honey, and if I don't,

the breadman will
cash a check for me.

All right, fine.

Oh, where's Wally?

He's upstairs putting a
crease in your hat, Dad.

Oh, all right, fine.

- Here, Dad.
- Yeah, oh, thanks.

Sorry, Dad, but I
just don't dig hats.

You're going to miss that plane.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Well, now, let me see.
Have I got everything?

Tickets, yeah, wallet...



Here's a cup of coffee, dear.

Well, dear, I can't
take that with me.

Well, honey, have a sip.

Oh, right.

Now, you be sure and call
me as soon as you get there.

Yeah, and you call me
if you need anything.

Now, Beaver, you
behave yourself,

especially at school.
Oh, sure, Dad.

- And, Wally.
- Yes, sir?

Um, can I see you outside?

Sure, Dad.

- Bye, dear.
- Bye, honey.

Take care of yourself
now. Have a good trip.

- Bye-bye, son.
- Bye, Dad.

Now, Wally, I'd like...

Oh, if you'll take the
bag out to the cab,

I'll be right with you.

Yeah, sure, I got
kids of my own.

If you don't lean on
them, they get out of line.

Thank you.

Now, Wally, while I'm away

I want you to be the
man of the house.

I want you to take
care of your mother

and look out for Beaver.

Give him all the help
and guidance you can.

Well, sure, Dad, I know kids.

If you don't lean on
them, they get out of line.

I think you know what I mean,

that you'll have the good-sense
and judgement and maturity

to handle any situation
that comes up like an adult.

Gee, Dad, I'm kind
of scared you're going.

I think I can count
on you, Wally.

Well, thanks, Dad.

- Bye.
- See you.

Mom, do you have my phone
number at the high school?

Well, I think so. Why?

Well, in case you
fall down the stairs

and break your leg or
something, you can call me.

Oh.

What's the matter with you?

Get upstairs and clean
out your ears, you little pig.

No fooling, your
pop really going

all the way to St.
Louis, Beaver?

Yeah, and he's wearing
a hat and everything.

Aw, that's nothing.

Last year when my
dad went to Canada,

he even wore underwear.

Everybody wears underwear.

I mean long underwear.

So what?

If my father went to St.
Louis, he'd wear a hat.

Well, if my father went to
St. Louis, he'd wear a hat.

Let's go, fellows.

There's no use
hanging around school

when you don't have to.

What did you do
that for, Arthur?

Why don't you watch where
you're walking, you clumsy creep?

You know what you are,
Arthur? You're a big, dumb...

Theodore.

Miss Landers.

Theodore Cleaver, did I hear
you say what I think you did?

Yes, Miss Landers,

I'm afraid you heard
what you think you heard.

Theodore, you come into
my classroom this minute.

Yes, Miss Landers.

I'll see you, Beav.

Yeah, it's been
nice knowing you.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Well, hello there, Wally.

You're home early.

Well, I just wanted to get home

and make sure
everything was okay

and that no burglars had
tried to break in or anything.

No, everything's just been fine.

Oh.

Well, don't look
so disappointed.

Oh, is Beaver up in his room?

No, he isn't home
from school yet.

Well, I'll wait
about ten minutes,

and then I'll go out
and look for him.

There's no use calling
the police right off the bat.

Wally, look, I just
think it's wonderful

that you're being
this consciencious,

but I'm sure everything
will be all right

until your father gets home.

Yeah, I guess so, Mom,

but he did tell me
to watch everything

and act like an adult.

I've only been doing
it since this morning,

and it feels kind of creepy.

- It does?
- Yeah.

I don't know how you guys
can do it without laughing.

Beaver.

I'm still here, Miss Landers.

Beaver, of all the
boys in my class,

I'm surprised that you would use

the language you
did out in the hall.

Well, yea, Miss Landers.

Do you make a practice
of using words like that?

Oh, no, ma'am,
I don't practice it.

It just slipped out
when Arthur tripped me.

Now, Beaver, this is
a very serious matter.

It goes beyond my just being

shocked and
disappointed with you.

We can't tolerate things
like this in our school.

You mean you're going to
kick me out of the school?

No, Beaver, but I am sending
this note home to your parents.

Do you have to, Miss Landers?

Honest, I don't ever
talk like that. Really.

Just once is bad enough, Beaver.

Now, you give this note
to your parents tonight.

Yes, Miss Landers.

Is this the kind of note I
got to bring back an answer?

Or is the kind of note I got
to bring back my parents?

You'll have to bring
back your parents.

Either your mother
or you father.

I figured it was
that kind of a note.

Well, you go home now, Beaver,
but don't you lose this note.

Yes, Miss Landers.

Miss Landers, I'm
sorry I said what I said.

Well, I'm glad of that, Beaver.

But I'm even sorrier you
heard me say what I said.

All right.

Hey, Mom, why don't
you go in the living room

and sit down and take it easy.

I'll do the dishes.

Oh, thank you, Wally.

I think I can
handle it by myself.

Well, gee, you
don't have to worry.

These aren't our company
dishes or anything.

Well, Wally, I'll tell you
what. I'll get these started,

and why don't you go up
and see how the Beaver is?

You know, he acted like he was

coming down with
something at supper.

Yeah, I noticed that myself.

He wasn't stuffing his
face like he usually does.

You go take a
look at him for me.

Okay, Mom, I'll feel his
head and look at his tongue.

Then if he looks
green or anything,

I'll open the bathroom door.

Thank you, Wally.

Boy, you and your big mouth.

- Hi, Wally.
- Hi.

Hey, what are you hiding?

Nothing, I'm right out here
in the middle of the room.

Hey, what are you doing?

Shut up and stick
your tongue out.

Okay, now say ah.

Ah.

Don't breathe all
over me. Just say ah.

Ah.

Okay, put it back in. There's
nothing wrong with you.

Yes, there is.

That's what's wrong with me.

Boy.

Boy.

Wow.

It's a mess, isn't it?

Boy, I'll say.

Hey, what did you call
this Arthur guy anyway?

Well, I promised I'd
never say it again.

Can't you just
give me a little hint?

Well, do you
remember last summer

when I used to get
yelled at for calling a guy

a dirty, smelly rat?

Yeah.

Well, this makes that
sound like nothing.

Boy, it says here

that one of your parents has
got to come down to the school.

You better go down and
show this to Mom right away.

I can't do that. She'd
ask me what I said.

Well, what did you say?

Well...

Wow, you sure
can't say that to Mom.

I don't even know if
you can say that to Dad.

Yeah, Mom has to
go down to school.

Miss Landers has
to tell her what I said.

I'd be so embarrassed, I
couldn't go to school again

for the rest of my life.

You're in a mess all right.

What do you think
you're going to do?

Well, I thought maybe
you could write a note

and sign it Dad,

and I could take it to school.

Are you kidding?

I sort of scribbled some stuff
down here that you might say.

"Dear Miss Landers,

"We are all shocked
by what the Beaver said,

"especially my
wife, who is a lady.

"I have washed his
mouth out with soap

"and have beat
him up three times.

"I hope, because I
have done this so good,

"I won't have to come
down to the school.

Yours truly, Ward
Cleaver, Theodore's father."

Beaver all right, Wally?

Oh, yeah, Mom. I
looked at his tongue

and felt his head
and everything,

and he's okay.

Yeah, sure, Mom.

I never felt better
in my whole life.

Oh, well, that's fine.

You know, I'm awfully
proud of you boys,

the way you've been behaving
since your father's away.

Oh, well, gee,
thanks a lot, Mom.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Mom.

Keep it up.

See, Wally? I can't tell her

and let her think I'm
the kind of kid I am.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, when Dad left,

he said you should be him
while he's gone, didn't he?

Well, yeah, what about it?

How about you being him

and going down to
school with me tomorrow?

Nah, I don't think they're
going to count me as a parent.

I think you could
get away with it.

If you tried real hard, you
could look mean enough.

Hi, guys.

What are you doing here, Beaver?

Yeah, we were betting on it
that you wouldn't show up today.

I showed up, didn't I?

Did your father kill you?

Huh-uh.

Didn't he even hit you?

Huh-uh.

Boy, how come?

On account of
he's still in St. Louis.

You had to tell your
mom what you said?

No, I didn't tell my
mother anything.

Boy, Miss Landers
isn't going to let you

get away with it, is she?

She sure isn't.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Ward.

How's the trip going?

Oh, that's fine.

The boys said if you called,
to be sure and ask you

if you were wearing your hat.

Oh. Well, they'll be
happy to hear that.

Oh, honey,
everything is just fine.

Uh-huh. We're getting
along wonderfully.

Wally's been a marvelous help.

You know, he's so conscientious.

Do you know that
he even volunteered

to go and pick Beaver
up at school today?

Yes, we're just fine.

There was a funny noise
in the washing machine

but it turned out
to be a golf ball.

Uh-huh.

Oh, honey, honey,
we all miss you.

Be sure and call tomorrow.

All right, honey.

Bye.

Bye.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver.

Well, hello, Eddie.

My goodness, you
look quite nice today.

Yes, ma'am.

I had an interview
for a position,

and I wanted to look my best.

Oh. Are you getting
a summer job?

Yes.

I was thinking of going
into the entertainment field.

Oh, well, that
would be wonderful.

Uh, yes.

I'll be assisting Mr. Kowalski,

who runs the Penny Arcade.

Is Wally home yet?

Um, no. No.

He said he was gonna stop
by and pick Beaver up at school.

Is little Theodore ill?

No. No. I think Wally just
wanted to walk him home.

Oh, perhaps it's nothing to
worry about, Mrs. Cleaver.

Probably some older boy is
waiting to beat Theodore up

and he needs protection.

Eddie, would you like to
wait up in Wally's room?

Or will you come back later?

I believe I'll go home
and change, Mrs. Cleaver.

A person has to be very careful

when he's wearing
a $42 sport coat.

Yes, Eddie.

Good-bye, Mrs. Cleaver.

Good-bye, Eddie.

Miss Lander's room is
right down the hall, Wally.

Nobody is gonna see you.

Most of the kids have gone home.

Well, I just feel creepy
in a grammar school.

That's all.

Somebody might see me
and think I'm a stupid kid

that got left back four or
five years or something.

No, they won't.

Boy, I don't like this.

Here's the room.

Now, you wait here while I go in

and get Miss Landers ready.

What do you mean, get her ready?

Well, I got to let her know

before she sees you
that you're not my father.

I don't know about this, Beav.

How come you
just couldn't have hit

that Arthur guy in the mouth?

It will be all right.

Now you just wait here.

I came to see you
now, Miss Landers.

Well, that's fine, Beaver.

But I thought I made it plain

that you were to bring
someone with you.

Oh, I did.

And this someone
is waiting outside.

Oh, is it your mother
or your father?

Well, no.

You see, my father
is away in St. Louis.

That's a place.

And my mother,
well, she's sort of busy

scrubbing floors and
taking care of sick neighbors

and a lot of stuff like that.

Well, so I brought some
other member of my family.

Oh.

An aunt, or an uncle?

Well, he's not quite as
good as an aunt or an uncle.

He's my brother.

Your brother?

Yes, ma'am.

Theodore, I distinctly told you

to bring one of your
parents, not your brother.

Well, gee, he's okay.

He got washed to come
down here and everything.

Please let me get him.

What do you guys
keep staring at me for?

'Cause we never
saw such a big kid

in grammar school before.

Come on, Wally.

Is it okay?

Yeah.

Well, it'd be better

if you were an aunt or an uncle.

But she'll talk to you anyways.

There he is, Miss Landers.

Now, Wally, I asked
for one of your parents.

You know I can't let
you get away with this.

Gee, Miss Landers, we're not
trying to get away with anything.

My father is away.

And Beaver couldn't tell
what he said to my mom.

I sure couldn't, Miss Landers.

A guy can usually tell
his mom almost anything.

But I'd rather croak
than tell her what I said.

Well, I can understand
that, Beaver.

But, really, Wally, I think
this is too serious a problem

for you to handle.

But my father told me to
be him while he was gone.

And well, I've been around
the Beaver a long time

and I know the way
my dad talks to him.

I think I can yell at him just
about as good as he can.

It's not just a matter
of yelling at him.

It's a matter of impressing
him with how wrong it is

to go around using
language like that.

Well, gee, Miss Landers,

I think I can impress
the heck out of him.

Well, what I mean is, you
know, being a man myself,

I think it would be
easier for me to tell him

than it would be
for a lady like you.

Well... Well, sure,
Miss Landers.

Last year, when
I was a little kid,

Wally caught me horsing
around at Sunday School.

And he told me how
it was God's house,

and people would think
I came from a home

where nobody had
any respect for anything.

He told me so good
I never did it again.

Yeah, Miss Landers,

and I told him on
the way over here

about using bad words,
and how guys are only judged

by what they say
and what they do,

and he could
really understand it.

What I mean is, he's got
that little kid expression

on his face all the time.

But he's really not
as goofy as he looks.

Well, Wally, when you
and Beaver came in here,

I thought you were trying
to get away with something.

But after talking to you,

I'm going to accept you as
his substitute father this time.

Oh, golly, Miss Landers,
that's real neat of you.

Well, what I mean is, I
certainly appreciate that

because Beaver's really
sorry about what he did.

Well, sure, Miss Landers.

And next time somebody trips me,

even if I fall down and
break one of my legs,

I won't even say "Ouch."

All right, Beaver.

Good bye, Wally.

Good bye, Miss Landers.

Wally, Beaver, supper is ready.

Well, thank you, Wally.

You're welcome, Mom.

Hey Mom, Wally's
sitting in Dad's place.

Well, I'm very happy to
have Wally sitting there

while your father is away.

Aren't you?

Come to think of it, Mom,

I'm happier than
I thought I was.

I'd say Wally was
doing a very good job

of taking his father's place.

Well, thank you, Mom.

And when you're ready
for another piece of meat,

I'd be very pleased
to carve you a hunk.

Thank you, Wally.

Beaver, do you have anything
interesting to say tonight?

Ah, no, Mom.

I think I've said enough
in the last couple of days.

Oh?

Eddie Haskell came by to
see you this afternoon, Wally.

Oh, yeah?

Was he wearing his
new $32 sport coat?

Yes, he was.

Only he told me it
was a $42 sport coat.

That's Eddie for you, Mom.

That coat's gone up 10
bucks just since lunchtime.

When I told him that you
were picking your brother up,

he thought there might
have been some trouble

down at Beaver's school.

Well, gee, Mom, I
just might have wanted

to walk Beaver home.

I mean, even if
he is my brother,

I got a right to
like him a little bit.

Was there any trouble
down at your school?

Well, gee, Mom, there's
always trouble at my school.

Like the other day, Whitey
Whitley was in the cafeteria...

Beaver.

Yes, Wally?

It's not polite for a person
to talk while he's eating.

Yes, Wally.

And put your napkin in your lap.

Yes, Wally.

Well, thank you, Wally.

You're welcome.

Would you like another
hunk of meat now?

I'll go carve it for you.

Well, that's fine, Wally.

But, why don't you go and get
the roast, and bring it in here?

Okay, Mom.

Hey, Mom?

Yes, Beaver.

There was some trouble
at my school today.

I just thought there might
have been some trouble.

Yeah.

I was thinking you thought that.

Beaver, what kind of
trouble did you get into?

Well, it was pretty bad, Mom.

It was sending for
Dad kind of trouble.

Beaver, what did you do?

I said a bad word,

but you'll do me the
biggest favor of my whole life

if you don't ask me what it was.

Well, you certainly
act as though

you're ashamed of what you did.

I certainly am, Mom,

and Wally made
me even ashameder.

Boy, Mom, this
roast is kind of big.

I don't know if I can carve it.

Oh, I think you're man
enough to handle it, Wally.

Don't you, Beaver?

He sure is, Mom.

All right, Ward.

I'll tell him in the
morning that you called.

Hmm-mmm.

Oh, honey, honey,
one other thing,

would you bring Wally some
kind of an extra special present

when you come home?

Well, I'm not really sure
of the reason myself,

but, if you need one, let's say

that Wally did such a beautiful
job of carving the roast beef.

Well, I'm all ready
for bed, Wally.

Okay, let me see your hands.

Not bad.

Could have washed
a little higher up.

Just keep your
hands under the cover

when Mom comes
up to say goodnight.

Let's see your teeth.

Ah, I guess they're okay.

You don't look any
grubbier than usual.

Thanks, Wally.

Well, what for?

Looking at your hands and teeth?

No.

For coming down
to my school today.

What else could I do?

If Dad would have come home
and found you were in trouble,

I'd have been the
one he'd blame.

Is that the only reason
you did it, Wally?

Well, I might have
felt a little sorry for you.

You were getting
clobbered from all directions.

Anyway, a guy's
supposed to like his brother.

Do you like me, Wally?

Yeah, I guess so.

Do you like me a whole lot?

Look, don't get sloppy on me.

I might slug you one.

Hey, Wally, is your pop still
away on that business trip?

Yeah.

He'll be back here tomorrow.

Hey, that's neat.

Ask your mom if I
can stay over tonight.

Now, what's my father being away

got to do with you staying over?

Don't you remember last time?

You went upstairs to ask him,

and you could hear him screaming

all over the neighborhood.

He just doesn't like me to
have company on school nights.

Well, you could ask your mother.

She thinks I'm a doll.

I guess I could.

Hey, Mom!

Yes, Wally.

Could Eddie spend
the night here?

Not while your father is away.

Boy, everybody around
here is wise to me.

I might just have to
move to a new town

and start all over.