Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Big Fish Count - full transcript

When the local pet store has a tropical fish counting contest with a collie pup as the grand prize, Beaver and his friend Gilbert agree to enter together and share the puppy if they win. But slick Eddie Haskell starts working at the pet store and claims to know the winning number...will Beaver want to win badly enough to cheat?

Starring...

and...

Oh, hi, Mom.

Well, Wally, is it time for
you to be home already?

It must be, Mom,
'cause here I am.

Hey, Mom, how did
they used to clean rugs

before they had, uh,
vacuum cleaners?

Oh, they used to
have carpet beaters,

and they used to hang
them out on the line

and beat the dust out of them.

Hey, that's pretty funny, Mom.



But, no, really, how
did they used to do it?

They really did
have carpet beaters,

and they beat the
dust out of them.

Boy, that must have
been pretty funny

to watch on television,

an announcer standing
there hitting the rug.

Wally, they didn't
have television, either.

Oh, yeah.

Gee, they, I guess
they practically

didn't have anything
when you were a kid, huh?

No, just people.

Wally, you going out again?

No, uh, I've gotta go upstairs
and start my homework.

Mm. Kick that on, would ya?



Hey, Mom. I guess
that's two things

they'll always
have in this world:

dirt and homework.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver.

Oh, hello, Eddie.

I wonder if Wally's
home from school yet.

Yes, I think you'll find
him up in his room.

Thank you.

Uh, Mrs. Cleaver.

Mrs. Cleaver!

Yes, Eddie?

Yes?

Uh, this is the last afternoon

you'll be seeing me
around, Mrs. Cleaver.

Really, Eddie?

Yes, I'm getting
a job after school,

and on weekends.

I convinced my father
that it's the best thing to do,

if I'm going to look forward
to a business career.

Yes. Well, um,
Wally might like a job,

but, of course, he has track
practice every afternoon.

Well, yes, but
perhaps I'm making

the right decision,
Mrs. Cleaver.

After all, I've heard
of very few men

who've become
millionaires running the 220.

Hi ya, Sam.

Oh, hi, Eddie. How ya doin'?

Crummy. My old man's
making me take a job.

A job? What for?

Aw, I busted his electric razor

by dropping it on
the garage floor.

He's making me earn
the money to pay for it.

Well, what were you
doing with it in the garage?

I was shaving a brand
on my suede jacket.

What kind of a job you gettin'?

I don't know yet. I
went to the record store,

and Mr. Paley
told me to get lost.

Yeah, I guess
he's still sore at you

for sneaking your tape
recorder into the booth

and recording all those albums.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to go someplace

where they don't know
what a wise guy I am.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, that's
not gonna be so easy.

Wally!

Wally!

Yeah, Mom?

Did you see the Beaver
on your way home?

Well, I saw him and Gilbert
over on Grant Avenue.

They were watching this guy

change the dummies
in Gorman's window.

What were they doing that for?

Well, I don't know.

I guess they were
hoping he'd come out

and tell them to beat it.

20.

21.

22.

21.

17, 18.

22, 23 19, 20.

24, 25.

21, 22.

26, 27.

23, 24.

28, 29.

25, 26.

30.

Oh, golly! I got
all mixed up again.

Yeah, and I counted
the same fish three times.

It sure is easy to get mixed up.

Yeah. Hey, I know.

What if you count the
ones with stripes on them,

and I'll count the plain ones.

Okay.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

4, 5, 6. Hey, Beav!

4, 5.

Beav, what about that one?

6. What about it?

Well, it's half
striped and half plain.

Which guy's
supposed to count it?

I don't care.

We could each count it half.

Okay.

7, 7h, 8, 8h, 9, 9h.

Gee, Gilbert, this half
stuff, it's gonna take too long.

Yeah.

Boy, I never knew it was
gonna be so hard to count fish.

Horses are better for counting.

Yeah, but where are
you gonna find a contest

to count horses?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, we'd better start
counting them over again.

Yeah.

1, 2, 3.

Oh, hi, Mr. Parker.

Hi, boys. How ya doing?

Fine.

Is that the puppy you're
gonna give away, Mr. Parker?

Yep, that's him, boys.

Hi, boy.

Hi ya, fella.

Gee, he must like my flavor.

Wouldn't it be neat
to hold him, Gilbert?

I'll say!

Well, Mr. Parker, what does it
mean on that sign, pedigreed?

Well, that means his
ancestors are prize winners,

and he's registered
in a kennel club.

Does he know he's
got famous ancestors?

No, I don't think so.

That's good, 'cause I wouldn't
want to have a stuck-up dog.

That's right.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

What's this I hear

about Eddie Haskell
getting a job, Wally?

Oh, yeah.

He broke his
father's electric razor,

so he's gonna have to
earn the money to pay for it.

Why, Eddie told me
he was getting a job

to prepare for a
business career.

Oh, well, heck.

He told Mary Ellen
Rogers he was doing it

on account of his mom
needs an operation.

Well, that's our Eddie.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Beav. Hi, Beaver.

Where were you this afternoon?

You were late getting
home from school.

Well, I was busy winning a dog.

Winning a dog?

Yeah, by counting fish
in Parker's Pet Store.

Counting fish?

Did you wash your hands
before you came down to supper?

Oh, it's okay, Mom.
They were in a tank.

Yeah, I saw that.

Mr. Parker's
having this contest.

If you guess the closest
to the right number of fish,

you win a puppy.

Oh, I don't
suppose it's too easy

counting a tank full of fish.

Oh, gee. No, Dad.

Me and Gilbert
counted them 23 times.

Well, that's one
way of being sure.

No, it's not. We got
23 different answers.

You know, Beaver, I
entered a contest once

when I was just about your age.

You had to guess how
many jellybeans there were

in a big glass jar,

and the prize was a
bright, shiny, red sled.

Did you win it, Dad?

Oh, I should have.

I went out and got a jar

exactly like the
one in the window

and filled it with jellybeans.

I still remember how
many it took: 876.

And the jar in the store
window had 876 jellybeans?

No, 547,

and one baseball hidden
right in the middle of it.

Gee, Dad. You can't hide
a baseball in a fish tank.

Nah. And anyway,

Mr. Parker wouldn't
do anything like that.

He's a pretty neat guy.

What, uh, kind of a
puppy is it, Beaver?

Oh, it's a collie puppy,
but it's still pretty little.

It's not big enough to rescue
people on television yet.

Hey, lady, could
you spare a handout

for a couple of tramps?

Oh, I'm sorry.

My husband doesn't
allow me to feed strangers.

Hey, that one
almost laid an egg.

Huh, Dad?

It sure did.

Hi, dear.

What brings you
two home together?

Oh, I'm early.

I'm late.

Beaver isn't home yet at all.

Oh, I think he made
some sort of a pact

with his friend, Gilbert,

to count fish every
day this week.

Then, if they win the contest,

they're gonna share the puppy.

Now, how can you share a puppy?

Well, I don't know. They've
got some sort of a deal.

I think he eats at our house

and sleeps at Gilbert's house.

Hey, you know, I think
Eddie Haskell got a job.

Did he tell you he did?

Well, no, but he was wearing
a necktie at school today.

That means he must
be up to something.

19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.

Hi, Penny.

20... Beaver Cleaver!

You just made me lose count!

Gee, all I said was "Hi."

Now I have to
start all over again!

Well, we can't help it if
you're a couple of creepy girls.

It's better than being a
couple of creepy boys!

No, it's not.
Being a creepy girl

is the creepiest kind
of creep you can be.

1, 2, 3.

9.

4.

5, 6.

Can't you count to yourself?

You count to yourself!

Let's all count to ourselves.

Come on, Emma. Let's go!

Girls, ick!

1, 2.

Well, look who's counting fish.

Hi, Eddie.

Are you working with Mr. Parker?

Sure, I'm helping him
run the place after school.

Is that how come you
gotta wear an apron?

Yeah, Eddie.

How come Mr. Parker
makes you wear an apron?

Listen, Gilbert.

Do I ask you why you're
wearing a big mouth?

Okay, okay!

Hey, Eddie, do you know how
many fish there are in the tank?

I'd be pretty stupid
if I didn't know.

After all, I happen to
be a member of the firm.

Edward.

Yes, Mr. Parker?

Are you all through for the day?

Uh, well, no, sir.

I just happened to see
a friend of mine out here,

young Theodore Cleaver.
See you again, little fellow.

- And, Edward.
- Yes, Mr. Parker?

Would you mind
sweeping out the back room

like I told you?

Yes, sir. Right
away, Mr. Parker.

Goodbye, youngsters.

Well, let's finish
counting the fish.

What for, Beaver?
We've got it made!

What do you mean,
we've got it made?

Isn't Eddie Haskell your
brother's best friend?

Yeah. At least that's what
he's always telling my brother.

Heck, if he's such a good
friend of your brother's,

I bet Wally could
get him to tell him

how many fish
there are in the tank.

Gee, I don't know if we
could do that, Gilbert.

That'd be like cheating.

Only Eddie and Wally
would be cheating, Beav.

All we'd be doing is listening.

No, we'd better finish
counting the fish.

You count the fish.

I'm gonna sit down over there

and think of a good
name for our puppy.

1, 2.

You know, Mom, I bet you
wish you had a girl, don't you?

What do you mean, Wally?

Well, if you did,

you could make her do the dishes

every night for free.

Wally, I'm not making
you do the dishes.

When Beaver said he
wanted to talk to your father,

you volunteered.

Oh, yeah, but it was
kind of one of those things

your parents make
you volunteer for.

You know, like
changing your socks,

or taking a bath,
and junk like that.

Want some of this?

Well, what for?

Good for your hands.
Smells nice, too.

Gee, Mom, I'm not a girl.

I wouldn't be caught
dead smelling nice.

You know why Beaver wanted
to talk to your father in the den?

Aw, I don't know.

He probably wants
to whine around

until Dad promises
him something.

Hey, do you want me
to go listen at the door?

You stay right here, Wally.

Yeah, well, I kind of knew

getting the answer from
Eddie would be wrong,

but I just wanted
to check with you.

Well, Beaver, as long
as your conscience

told you what to do,

you didn't really need to
come to me at all, did you?

No, I guess not,
but I kind of figured

your conscience might
come up with a better idea.

Beaver, I know you wouldn't
want to win a puppy by cheating.

No, sir.

I guess I wouldn't even want
to win an automobile that way.

Of course not. You
just keep on counting.

See if you can't come up
with the right answer yourself.

Yeah, but it sure does
take a lot of the fun

out of the counting,

knowing that a big creep like
Eddie has the right answer.

Well, Beav, you know, you
don't always have to win.

Just the fun of
being in a contest

is what really counts.

Yeah, I know, Dad.

That's what the
coach at school tells us

every time we strike out.

Well, anyway, Beaver,
you may win that puppy yet.

You don't have to say that, Dad.

You cheered me
up enough already.

Good evening, Mr. Cleaver.

Oh, hello, Eddie.

I wonder if I might see Wally.

Well, it is a school night.

Well, yes, but I only want to
get a homework assignment.

You know, Eddie, uh,
you could have phoned.

Yes, but I wouldn't want to
disturb you and Mrs. Cleaver.

He's upstairs, Eddie.

Thank you.

Uh, I couldn't come earlier,

because I had to help my
employer close up the shop.

Oh, yeah! How's the job coming?

Very well. Thank you.

Mr. Parker says he doesn't know

how he ever got
along without me.

Oh, he does now?

Well, he didn't exactly say it,

but he complimented me
on my sweeping yesterday.

Well, that's fine, Eddie.

Uh, don't you be
too long up there.

Yes, sir.

Well, did you hear that
modest little conversation?

Yes, I did.

I wonder what that
Eddie's like at home?

Let's just be thankful
we'll never find out.

Dear, you know, Eddie's
working for Parker's Pet Store,

and that's where
Beaver's counting the fish.

Mm-hm.

Well, you don't think
Beaver would try

to get the answer
out of Eddie, do you?

Oh, no. That's what
we were talking about.

Anyway, I don't think Mr. Parker
would trust Eddie with the answer.

Maybe Mr. Parker doesn't
know Eddie as well as we do.

Hey, Eddie, how come
you're over on a school night?

Oh, now don't
you start with that.

Your old man just finished
giving me the third degree.

Hey, squirt. What
are you reading there?

Nursery rhymes? Heh heh.

Sure, Eddie. And
there's a snake in here

that looks just like you.

Hey, watch it, kid.

You'd better be nice
to your old Uncle Eddie,

or he won't tell you how
many fish are in that tank.

I don't want you to tell me.

What do you mean?

You're eating your
heart out to know.

Isn't he, Wally?

Come on, Eddie.
Leave him alone, will ya?

Yeah, cut it out, Eddie.

Ah.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

What's the magic
number of them all?

Could it be 106?

Or 95?

82-311.

Make him stop it, Wally!

68!

Okay, Eddie.

105.

Come on! On your way!

360.

Cut it out, will ya?

211.

Look, will ya beat it? 512.

Wow, what a creep.

68!

Out!

Think any of those were
the right number, Wally?

Yeah, that's the trouble.

Could be, and now
you can't use any of 'em.

Yeah.

You know, with a guy
like Eddie running around,

it sure is hard to be honest.

Yeah.

Hi, Eddie.

You working here
at the pet shop?

What do you think I'm
doing with this broom,

playing Halloween?

Ha, ha, ha.

Excuse me, please.

What'd you come
around here for, Lumpy?

I thought I'd put my
guess in for the contest.

Yeah? How many
fish you think there are?

75.

Ah, you're not even close.

Well, what do you know about it?

Plenty. I'm running this
place for Mr. Parker, aren't I?

Yeah, but that
still doesn't mean

you know how many
fish are in the tank.

That's what you think.

Okay, wise guy.
How many are there?

You won't blab it around?

Who would I blab it to?

Half the guys in school
won't even talk to me.

Okay.

111.

111?

You're sure that's right?

Right on the nose.

Gee, thanks, Eddie.

Ah, I told you I was running
this place for Mr. Parker.

Edward!

Yes, Mr. Parker.

Would you please come in here

and clean out
these parrot cages?

Right away, sir. So long, Lumpy.

Yeah. So long, pal.

Hello, Kathy.

Hello, Lumpy.

How many would
you say, Sally Ann?

I'd say 85.

Aw, your little sister's
not even near it.

How do you know so much, Lumpy?

Oh, I just happen to
know the winning number.

You really do, Lumpy?

That's what I said, kid.

Don't listen to him, Sally Ann.

Lumpy doesn't even
know what day it is.

You want to make
a bet I don't know?

What day it is?

No, how many
fish are in the tank!

You saw me talking to my
friend, Eddie, didn't you?

Uh-huh.

He works here, doesn't he?

All right, Lumpy, tell us.

Why should I tell you?

Just because I'm
in your homeroom

doesn't mean you own me.

See, Kathy. He doesn't know.

I do know!

The only reason
I'm not gonna tell you

is because you'll
blab it all over town.

You know I wouldn't
blab it around.

Don't you, Clarence?

Okay, just for
that, I'll tell you.

There's 111 fish in there.

Really? Oh, thank
you so much, Lumpy!

You're a lamb.

Okay, but next
time there's a prom,

and I ask you to dance,
don't go telling me

you have a sprained ankle.

Come on, Sally Ann.

Hello, fishies!

I know something you don't know.

I know something you don't know.

I know something you don't know.

I bet you don't.

I bet you I do.

I know how many fish there are

in the tank at
Mr. Parker's store.

Really, Sally Ann? How many?

111.

No foolin'?

No foolin'.

♪ I know something
you don't know! ♪

♪ I know something
you don't know! ♪

♪ I know something
you don't know! ♪

♪ I know something
you don't know! ♪

Uh, dear, where are the boys?

I want them to help
me clean out the garage.

Oh, they're all
down at Mr. Parker's.

This is the day of
the big fish count.

Oh.

They're going to announce
the winner of the puppy.

Beaver think he has a chance?

Well, they only allow
one guess to a person,

so Beaver and
Gilbert compromised.

Beaver entered 86,
and Gilbert entered 190.

Well, that should
span the field.

Don't tell me
Wally's entered, too.

No, he says it's too childish,

but he went along
anyway, just in case

Beaver needs help
carrying home the puppy.

Now just be patient, children.

I'll be right with you.

- Edward.
- Yes, sir.

Keep your fingers
crossed for 86, Wally.

And 190.

Aw, will you kids
quit acting like kids?

And now, children, so I won't
keep you in suspense any longer,

I'll announce the
winning number.

All right, now, if
anyone is lucky enough

to have submitted that number,
I want them to speak right up,

and then I'll check his
stub in the fish bowl here.

Now, how does that sound to you?

Great, fine.

Fine!

All right, now. Here we go.

The winning number is 111.

I got it! I got it!

Just a moment, children, please.

I said the winning
number is 111.

Now, if you
submitted that number,

will you please raise your hand?

Edward Haskell!

Yes, sir?

You're fired!

Yes, sir.

This is a very good salad.

What all have you got in it?

Mm, a little leftovers.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Well, who won?

Search me.

Well, didn't you go
down to the pet store?

Yeah. Boy, what a mess!

There must have been 20 kids

that had the right
number of fish.

Well, how did that happen?

Well, I don't know,

but the first thing
Mr. Parker did was fire Eddie.

You mean, Eddie told
the number to everybody?

Nah, I think he
just told it to Lumpy,

but then Lumpy let
it get away from him.

Where's the Beaver?

Oh, I don't know. I guess
he's still down there.

Mr. Parker was trying
to work something out.

There was so many
kids yelling and screaming

and everything,
I got out of there.

Sally Ann Maddox was
kicking Lumpy in the shins.

Well, I'll get your lunch.

Okay, Mom.

Mom! Dad! I won, I won!

Hey, don't tell me
you got the puppy

in that little box.

No, I got a constellation prize.

There was so many
kids with the right answer

that Mr. Parker gave
everybody who entered two fish.

Come on, Wally.

Help me put 'em in the bowl.

Okay.

Hurry up! Your lunch is ready!

Honey?

Hm?

Beaver doesn't
seem too disappointed

at only winning two fish.

Well, of course not.

When you're his age,
and you win anything,

that's enough to
give you confidence

to go on being a kid.

Hey, Beaver, you've
been looking at those fish

for over half an hour now.

What's the matter? They sick?

No. I just like to
watch them, that's all.

Hey, Wally, how
come fish don't drown?

Well, because fish have gills,

and the gills take the
oxygen out of the water.

Oh.

Boy, it sure is neat
the way it works.

Of course, a whale could drown.

How come?

Well, because a
whale's not a fish.

A whale's a mammal.

Well, what's a mammal?

Well, uh, that's an animal

that's supposed to live
on dry land and breathe air.

Then why does it
live in the water?

Well, uh, it all started a
couple of million years ago.

Now they've been
living in water so long

that their hands and
feet disappeared on them.

Boy, no fooling?

Gee, I'm gonna use that on Mom

next time she tells
me to take a bath.