Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 2 - Beaver's House Guest - full transcript

[Announcer] Starring...

and...

Beaver, Beaver,
don't eat so fast.

Gee, Dad, I got to eat
fast to keep up with Wally.

His mouth is bigger than mine.

Breakfast is not a race, Beaver.

Hey, Dad, instead of sending
him to camp this summer,

you should have spent the money

on giving him eating lessons.

Well, thank you, Wally,

but I don't think you should
give advice on etiquette



when your mouth is full.

[gulp] Yes, sir.

You know, Beaver,

I think that summer camp
did you a world of good.

You must have put
on 5 or 6 pounds.

That's on account
of my friend Chopper.

Every week, his folks would
send him pies and cakes and junk,

and Chopper went halves with me.

I thought there were rules
against sending food to camp.

I know. That's why Chopper's
parents sent him books.

Books?

Yeah. Underneath the books,

that's where the pies and
cakes and junk was hid.

Hey, that's neat.



That kid's parents
must be pretty sharp.

Wally, I don't
think it's very sharp

to break the rules.

Dear, you want more coffee?

Yeah, please.

After they sounded
the lights out,

me and Chopper, we'd go
through the pies and cakes and junk.

Did either of you go
through the books?

Gee, Dad, we were on vacation.
We didn't want to read books.

Well, sure, Dad. He's more
interested in his stomach

than he is in his brain.

Hey, Mom, could
Chopper come over

and stay with us some weekend?

He's a real neat kid,

and he's one of my best friends.

I don't know why
not. Do you, Ward?

Have him here by all means.

What about this weekend?

This weekend?

Well, I guess we
could stretch a point.

Boy, it's lucky you
can stretch it, Dad.

He already invited him.

I did not.

I just kind of did.

I bet you all will like Chopper.

He's a real neat guy.

I bet he'll bring
a lot of presents.

His dad's always
giving him stuff.

What does Mr. Chopper do?

Oh, that's not their
last name, Mom.

It's Cooper.

He manufactures baseball mitts,

tennis racquets, and
good junk like that.

I'll go call Chopper.

I'll speak to his mother.

Hey, Beav, while
you're talking to him,

kind of hint around

that I need a new pair
of football shoes, huh?

Wally, I don't think

you should sponge off
your brother's friends.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess
you're right, Dad.

I got friends of my own.

I'm going to take this
junk in the guest room

so it'll be out of the way
when your friend gets here.

Okay.

Hey, Wally, when
Chopper comes tomorrow,

don't be mean to him.

Why should I be mean to him?

I don't even know him.

Hey, how come they
call him Chopper anyway?

Because his first name's Dryden.

Oh. No wonder they
call him Chopper.

But how come you're so afraid
I'm going to be mean to him?

Well, at camp, I told him
what a neat family we had

and how we're all
happy and everything.

What did you go and
make up all that junk for?

We're happy, aren't we?

Well, yeah. I guess we're happy.

That's good. Because
sometimes I can't tell.

Hey, Wally.

If Eddie Haskell comes over,

would you make him
be nice to Chopper?

Eddie won't be over. He
got the mumps yesterday.

He really won't be here?

Huh-uh.

Well...

Well, hi, Chopper.
I'm Beaver's father,

and we've certainly
heard a lot about you.

Thank you. Mom
couldn't bring me,

but she'll be here
Sunday to pick me up.

Well, we're happy to
have you with us, Chopper.

- Come on in.
- Yeah, thanks.

Say, where's the
old Beav anyways?

Chopper! Chopper!

- Hi, Beav.
- Hi, Chopper.

Look, I got on my
camp sweater, too.

- Neat, huh?
- Yeah, neat.

Just like at camp.

Hey, Beav, how's
about we give them

the old camp cheer?

Sure.

We are from Camp König.
From Camp König are we.

K-O-umlaut-N-I-G!

Yay!

Well, that's very good, boys.

Oh, how do you
do? Let me take that.

- Thank you.
- Won't you come in,
Mr. Cooper?

I'm not Mr. Cooper.

[Chopper] He's my Uncle Dave.

Oh, well, I'm sorry,
Mr... Uncle Dave.

Now you behave
yourself, understand?

Yes, Uncle Dave.

I just dropped him off.

His mother will be here
Sunday to pick him up.

- Oh.
- Well, so long, little fella.

Bye, Uncle Dave.

Mrs. Cleaver and Mr. Cleaver.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Well, uh, shall we go inside?

You know, Chopper,

your uncle doesn't
look much like an uncle.

Well, he's not my real uncle.

He takes my mom out
to dinner sometimes.

I think he'd like to
be my new daddy.

Did, uh, did something
happen to your old daddy?

Oh, no. He's at his
home with his new wife.

This box of candy
is a present for you,

from my mom.

That's very kind of her.

I phoned Pop and told him
Mom was giving the candy,

so he sent this over.
It's for you, Mr. Cleaver.

Oh. Well, uh,
thank you, Chopper.

It certainly wasn't necessary.

Well, Pop always
sends something special

when I tell him Mom's
giving a present.

Well... shaving lotion.

Uh-huh. Pop gets it in London.

Oh.

And this here one's
for you, Beaver.

- For me?
- Uh-huh.

- Gee.
- And this one's for me.

Wow!

Look, Wally! Look what I
got from Chopper's father!

And he sent Dad a
bottle of shaving lotion.

It's from London.

Mom got a box of
candy from Mrs. Cooper.

Oh, uh, Chopper,

this is Beaver's
older brother Wally.

Oh, uh, how do you do?

I'd like to welcome
you to our family.

Are you a real brother?

Well, heck.

Yeah. Sure.

I'm not fake or anything.

Chopper, do you
have any brothers?

No, not real ones.

But I do have three
half-brothers and one half-sister,

and I used to have
two stepbrothers

before Pop's second divorce.

- Oh.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, uh, well, uh, Wally,

why don't you take
Chopper's bag upstairs?

I'll take it, Dad.
Come on, Chopper.

I want to show you my
room. I got it fixed up real neat.

I got two new model kits,

and they're the neatest
things you ever saw.

Ward, don't you think th...

Uh, dear, uh, could I, uh,
give you a hand with lunch?

Gee, you guys don't have
to go in the kitchen to talk.

Well, heck, I know all
about divorces and stuff.

I go to the movies.

Uh, well, uh, sure, sure, Wally.

Uh, but why don't you take
Chopper's bag upstairs?

Hmm, okay. Okay, I'll get lost.

I hope that Chopper isn't
too sophisticated for Beaver.

Well, he's never known anyone

with two sets of parents before.

Well, that's true, but he
seems like a nice boy,

even if he does talk a lot.

You think we ought to
say something to Beaver?

No, You know how kids are.

They're going to start talking
about football or baseball,

and probably the subject
will never come up again.

It was a little embarrassing

when I called Uncle
Dave Mr. Cooper.

You should have known

he wasn't the
boy's father, dear.

- He was too nice to him.
- Oh, Ward.

And every Christmas
and every birthday,

I get two parties.

See, my mom gives me one,

and then my pop, he
calls and gives me one.

Boy, you must
get lots of presents.

Lot of presents?

Man, I get loads of presents.

I got stuff... You know what?
They're still in the boxes.

Boy.

My best present
is a printing set

my dad gave me
for my last birthday.

Electric trains are
my best present,

with miles and miles of
track and all kinds of cars...

Passenger cars and freight cars

and a steam engine with
real smoke coming out

and switches to
steer the train and...

Hey, Beav, tell you what.

You come to my
house, I'll let you work it.

You mean it, Chopper?

Sure. And you can
wear my engineer's outfit

with a hat and all.

What about next weekend?

I'll ask my mom
about next weekend.

Swell. And I'll show
you all the other stuff

Pop and his new wife got me.

Man, they always
come through real neato.

What about your mom?
What does she give you?

Oh, mostly clothes and sweaters.

Well, I guess you
can't get all good stuff.

What about your Uncle Dave?

Does he ever give you anything?

Oh, sure. He gave
me an airplane set.

I got an airplane set.

With an engine that
makes it fly in the air and all?

No. My plane you're
supposed to glue together.

Oh, I know that kind.

Mrs. In-between
gave me one like that.

Who's Mrs. In-between?

Well, you see,

that's what Mom
called the wife Pop had

before he married my stepmother.

Boy, Chopper,

it must be hard to
remember the names

of all your mothers
and relatives and stuff.

You know something?

Even Pop can't
remember all of them.

- He can't?
- Nope.

Sometimes he asks
me about my stepbrother,

and he calls him
What's-his-name.

Hey, you guys, it's 10:15.

We know it's 10:15.
We got a clock in here.

Well, it's 10:15, and
I'm trying to get to sleep,

so pipe down, will you?

Well, all right.

Hey, Wally, make a
muscle for Chopper, will you?

Ah, cut it out.

Chopper doesn't
want to see my muscle.

Sure, I do.

Well, okay.

Boy, you got more muscle

than my three
half-brothers put together.

Okay, now pipe down
and go to sleep, will you?

Oh, uh, hey, and another thing.

You guys didn't wash
or brush your teeth

like you were supposed to.

How do you know?

Because I felt
your toothbrushes.

They're both dry.

Well, we were going
to wet them later.

Look, you just go in

and wash and brush
your teeth, see?

Okay, come on, Chop.

Hey, Beav.

Is that guy your real brother?

Sure he's my real brother. Why?

Well, if you ask me,

he sounds more
like a stepbrother.

Beaver, what are you doing?

Looking at myself.

Well, what's so neat about that?

It might not be neat to
you, but it's neat to me.

Ah, you're goofy.

Hey, Wally, if you're
going to take a shower,

don't wake Chopper
up. He's still sleeping.

Hey, how come
you're not still sleeping?

Well, I woke up
to think about stuff.

You know, Chopper's got all
kinds of fathers and mothers

who are always
sending him presents.

Ah, well, heck, Beav,

maybe he's just giving
you the old business.

No, he's not. He's
got an ex-mother

and a stepmother and a
whole lot of half-brothers.

You know, Wally?
It might be neat

having a whole lot
of families like that.

Are you goofy, Beaver?

Do you want Mom and
Dad to get a divorce?

Well, just supposing they did.

It sure would be neat getting
a whole lot of extra presents

at Christmas and
birthdays and stuff.

Well, look, Mom and
Dad are not going to go out

and get a divorce just
to make you happy,

so forget about it, huh?

It must be easy.

Chopper's pop gets
divorces all the time.

Okay, so if you like
Chopper's pop so much,

why don't you go
and move in with him?

I can't.

Not unless Mom marries him.

Look, you little goof,
Mom's happy with Dad.

You shouldn't listen to that kid

and all the junk
he's been telling you.

Will you get out of here?
I'm going to take my shower.

Okay, but don't wake
Chopper up, huh?

Oh, sure.

Sure. If I fall down in the tub

and I break my leg,
I won't even scream.

Get out of here.

- Hi, Mom.
- Good morning, Beaver.

Where's your friend?

Chopper's still upstairs asleep.

Mom.

Yes, dear?

Wally says you're
happy with Dad.

- Is that right.
- Of course I am.

What makes you think I'm not?

Because you don't go around

laughing ha-ha-ha all the time.

Well, honey, people
can be very happy

without going around
laughing ha-ha-ha all the time.

Your dad's a fine father
and a wonderful person,

and I love him very much.

And stop playing
with that batter.

Hey, Mom, if you ever
did get married again,

would you marry a husband
who was a good present giver?

Well, I hate to
disappoint you, Beaver,

But I'm staying
with your father.

Oh.

Dear, look at this.

There's starch in my shirts.

All six of them,
they're stiff as a board.

Dear, I forgot to tell
Laura when she came.

Well, it seems the
least you can do

is to tell her no starch.

We've been through
all this before.

[June] My, you are
in a mood, aren't you?

What did you do
with my briefcase?

It's right in the hall, dear,
where you left it last night.

Oh.

Oh, uh, hello, Beaver.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah, what is it, Beaver?

Are you happy with Mom?

Right now I'm a little upset.

Are you thinking
of getting a divorce?

Well, of course not, Beaver.

You don't divorce
someone you really love.

Then when do you get a divorce?

Well, usually when
a husband and wife

are hopelessly incompatible.

What does that
mean? Incompatible?

Oh, it's when two people
just can't get along together,

when they're always shouting
and screaming at each other.

Like you just did.

I was not screaming
at your mother.

Yeah. But you were shouting.

I merely raised my voice.

Well, that's the same
thing as shouting.

Beaver, what's all this
talk about a divorce?

I thought you loved your mother.

Oh, I do.

And if anything ever happened,

I'd always love her more
than any of my stepmothers.

Beaver,

I think you should
wake Chopper up.

Breakfast will be
ready in a few minutes.

Sure, Mom.

Your, uh, son was just
hinting that I need a new wife.

He was just hinting that
I need a new husband.

Dear, I don't think

that Chopper's a good
influence on Beaver.

I know, dear.

But he'll be going
home tomorrow,

and Beaver will forget
all about this kind of talk.

- Ward.
- Yeah.

You wouldn't really think

about getting a
new wife, would you?

Well, not right now.

I think there's still a few
good years left in you.

Yeah, and it's a
real neat place,

and they call it Yellowstone,

and it's got boiling springs

and steam coming out
of the ground all over

and a big lake, and
they even got a geyser

that goes off every
hour on the hour.

I think I saw a picture of that

in my geography book.

How do they get it to do that?

See, they don't get it
to do it. Nature does it.

How does nature
know it's an hour?

Same way it knows when it's
spring and summer, I guess.

Yeah.

Boy, if nature ever goofed off,

the world would sure
be in a mess, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it sure would.

Does your dad take
you to Yellowstone?

No. A college guy.

Mom pays him to take
care of me all summer.

She was too busy
getting divorced.

Well, I guess that was
pretty neat, all right.

- A college guy.
- Yeah.

And he didn't care what I did.

And at night, when he went out,

I got to eat in the hotel
dining room all by myself.

Could you order
anything you wanted?

Sure. And... And once,
when I was eating alone,

the guy who played
piano in the lobby

came and ate with me.

I guess that was
sure neat, all right.

Yeah. Sure was.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, Wally.
- Hi, Wally.

Hey, Wally, where you been?

I was over talking
to Eddie Haskell.

I thought he had the mumps.

Well, he does, but
he was up in his room,

so we hollered back and forth

until his pop came out
and chased me away.

Yeah. I guess the mump germs
can't jump down from upstairs.

Yeah, I guess not.

Hey, Wally, after supper,

will you hit us some fly balls?

Yeah, sure, if I
don't go anywhere.

Sometimes on Saturday
night, Wally goes out with girls.

Yeah?

If you're in high school,
you got to do that.

Oh. I was just seeing if
there was anything for me.

Oh. Did you go over to Eddie's?

Yeah, I just got back.

How were his mumps?

Neatest-looking
mumps I ever saw.

[phone rings]

I'll get it, dear.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah. This is Mr. Cleaver.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Cooper.

Y... What's that?
I can't hear you.

Oh, sure, sure.

Chopper's having a fine time.

Yeah.

It's Chopper's mother.

I think she's been crying.

Oh, the poor thing.

Honey, you tell him not
to worry about Chopper.

We'll keep him here.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry

you don't feel well,
Mrs. Cooper. I...

Well, yes, yes, I understand.

Then this guy hit a home run,
and that's what won the game.

Wow. We'll win the
Series for sure this year.

Hey, Dad, do you
want to play catch?

Oh, excuse me.

Yeah.

Well, Mrs. Cooper, I'll be
glad to drive him home myself.

I... Oh... No. Nah,
don't upset yourself.

It's no trouble at
all, I assure you.

No, really, it's not.

Yeah.

I guess I better start packing.

Gee, Chop, where are you going?

Home.

Pop must have called,
and they had a fight.

It happens all the time.

Now, Mrs. Cooper,
it can't be that bad.

Yeah, Mom must have
got the weepies again.

She needs me.

Well... Well...
Well, Mrs. Cooper,

I'll have him there,
oh, in an hour or so.

Y... Not at all.

Not at all. Good-bye.

Uh, well, Chopper, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm going to
have to take you home.

Yeah, it figured.

I was having too good a time.

I'm afraid Chopper's going
to be in for a very rough time.

Oh, honey, I feel
so sorry for him.

Hey, Mom.

Yes, dear.

Chopper said his
mom had the weepies.

What are the weepies anyways?

What do you think that means?

- His mom was crying?
- I'm afraid so.

Why?

Why do people generally cry?

Because they're sad.

Dad, do men ever
get the weepies?

Sometimes.

You think Mr. Cooper
gets them, too?

I don't know, Beaver.

I wouldn't be
surprised if he did.

Boy, Chop, I sure
hate to see you go.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, when am I coming over

and running your electric train?

Oh, you wouldn't have
much fun at my house.

You goofy or what?

I don't have much
fun. Why should you?

Gee, you got all those families.

So what?

So my mom keeps telling
me how mean my pop is,

and then, when I visit Pop,
he tells me how mean Mom is.

Your folks ever do that?

Never.

Yeah.

It's better the way it is
with your mom and dad.

I saw them together downstairs,

standing close like
you see in the movies.

I guess they like
each other, huh?

Yeah, I guess they like
each other pretty good.

If you ask me, you're lucky.

Gosh, Chop, you're lucky,

getting all those presents
and things and stuff.

Boy, if I had all that,
I'd sure be happy.

No, you wouldn't.

You'd do what I do
at night when I'm sad.

Gee, Chop, don't tell me
you get the weepies, too.

Boy, oh, boy.

I guess it must
run in the family.

Hey, if you guys want, I
can toss the ball around now.

Well, uh, hey, Chop,
where are you going?

Home.

Oh, here. I got
a present for you.

Go on, take it.

Well, but... but gee,
Chopper, it's yours.

Aren't you going to need it?

What for?

My ma doesn't play baseball.

Well, I'm glad you went in
when you took Chopper home.

His mother was so upset,
she wanted someone to talk to.

I... I tried to be noncommittal,

but I think she realizes

that by trying to hurt each
other through Chopper,

she and her husband are
really only hurting the boy.

Well, I hope they do
something about it.

For Chopper's sake, so do I.

Hey, Wally, you only slept
in the guest room two nights.

Think Mom changed
the sheets in there?

Ah, sure.

You know how Mom is.

She'd change the sheets

if I only slept in
there one night.

Yeah.

She already changed
the sheets in your bed,

and Chopper didn't
even take his socks off

- when he went to bed.
- Yeah.

You know, Wally,
I've been thinking.

I guess it's better

to have two good
parents like Mom and Dad

than a whole lot of them
that are just pretty good,

even if you do get
a lot of presents.

[knocking on door]

Well, it's good to see you
two back together again.

I changed the sheets
on your bed, Wally.

Gee, Mom, you
didn't have to do that.

Beaver said Chopper
slept with his socks on.

Uh, Beaver, I'm sorry

your friend had
to go home early.

That's all right, Mom.

I like Chopper, but gee,

he's sort of an
awful grown-up kid.

Well, don't stay
up too late, hmm?

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night, Wally.

Good night, fellas.

Well, thanks, Beaver.

I'm really too
big for that, Dad,

but I did it because I don't
want you ever to get the weepies.

- Good night, boys.
- Good night.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA