Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 16 - Ward's Millions - full transcript
From Beaver's perspective, it seems like his father spends a lot of money paying bills. Ward makes a statement that all adults worry about money unless they're millionaires, which he will never become working at his job. So when Beaver heads down to the bookstore to buy a book for himself, he instead buys his father a book he sees in the store window, that book titled "How I Became a Millionaire in 12 Months". Beaver believes this book will solve all Ward's money worries. After Ward makes a fuss about the book and mentions that he will both read it cover to cover and put it in a place of honor in his library, Beaver is certain that their family will become rich. So a disappointed Beaver doesn't understand why he finds the book in the kitchen's cookie drawer (where June hastily put it when she needed to answer the phone).
Starring...
and...
Did you balance out
the checkbook yet?
Yeah, almost.
Uh, oh, uh, dear,
what's this entry here?
The stub says 8.69, but no
check came back from the bank.
Well, I couldn't get the
checkbook to balance,
so I wrote a check for
8.69 and then tore it up.
You know, dear, they
could use you in Washington.
Thank you.
Do we have any books
with worms in them?
Books with worms?
Yeah. We've gotta
bring pictures of animals
to school for science.
Some guys got butterflies,
other guys got lizards,
and our row got worms.
While you and your
father look for worms,
I'm going to go read the paper.
Try the encyclopedia, Beaver.
Okay, Dad.
What are you doing, Dad?
Oh, I'm just going
over the checkbook
and paying some
of last month's bills.
Here's the gas bill,
and the light bill,
and last month's gasoline bill.
Gee, Dad, that's not fair.
What's not fair?
Well, that stuff's all used up,
and now you've gotta pay for it.
Well, it's too bad, but
that's the way it works.
They always send out their bills
on the first of the
following month.
Wouldn't it be a lot
easier to pay real money
when you bought the stuff?
Well, no, it wouldn't, Beaver,
because that way, you
wouldn't have any record.
I mean, you wouldn't
have any reminder
of what you spent for this,
and what you spent for that.
Boy, if I had to spend all
the money you had to spend,
I wouldn't want anyone
reminding me of it.
You, uh, you have a
point there, Beaver.
But anyway, checks
are just like real money.
You mean, you can
just keep writing them
until you run out of checks?
No, you can just
keep writing them
until you run out of money.
Yeah, I thought it was too
good to work the other way.
Big people worry a lot
about money, don't they?
Yeah, I guess everyone
does, unless they're millionaires.
You're not a millionaire,
are you, Dad?
Uh, no, Beaver. I'm not.
If you keep working,
will you be a millionaire?
No, I'm afraid not, son.
Why not?
Well, I guess I just haven't
found the secret, Beaver.
Oh.
Well, I found my worms.
What?
The book.
Oh.
Well, Dad, how'd you...
I thought you might
like a cup of coffee.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Beaver, come on now.
You run upstairs and
stop bothering your father.
Okay, Mom.
Hmph.
He, uh, wanted to know when I
was going to become a millionaire.
Well, I'd like to
know that, too.
Now, why don't you run on
upstairs and not bother me?
You know, Wally, I
wouldn't want to be a worm.
How come?
If I was a worm, I'd
have to live in the ground,
and wiggle to get
anyplace, well, and eat dirt,
and I'd probably
end up on a fishhook.
Don't tell me your troubles.
I've got homework to do.
Well, I can't help it.
I just feel sorry for
worms, that's all.
I feel sorry for Dad, too.
How come, all of a sudden,
you're feeling sorry for Dad?
Well, 'cause he's
downstairs paying bills
and worrying about money.
Well, sure. That's
what a father's for.
He's gotta go to work,
and make the money,
and pay the rent,
and buy the food,
and raise the
children, all that.
Yeah. That's tougher
than being a worm.
Yeah, I guess so.
You know what I wish, Wally?
Yeah, you wish you
were a worm again.
No, I wish I was out in
the backyard digging,
and all of a sudden,
oil would shoot up,
and then there'd be an
oil well out in the backyard,
and Dad'd be a millionaire!
Aw, cut it out, Beaver.
They don't have
any oil around here.
They all got it down in Texas.
How come they
got it all down there?
I don't know.
I guess so it'll be
near the millionaires.
Look, how come you're always
making up this crazy good stuff
that could never happen?
Well, gee, well, if I'm
gonna make up good stuff,
I might as well make
up the best kind of stuff.
Hey, Wally, are there any
princes left in the world?
Yeah, I guess they've still
got a couple of them around.
They don't do too much anymore.
They don't go around having fun
and starting wars
like they used to.
Oh, yeah?
I once saw a real neat
movie with a real neat prince.
And then one day, he went to
this big built-in safe in his palace,
and he took out a whole big
bunch of jewels and crowns,
and he gave them to the people,
so that they could
start a democracy.
Yeah, when they don't
know how to end a picture,
they usually do that.
Boy, if I was a prince,
I'd take all the
jewels and the crowns
and give them to Dad,
so he'd be a millionaire
and wouldn't have to
worry about money anymore.
Boy, Beaver, you started
out talking about worms,
and now you're
ending up with jewels!
Boy, you're really
flying tonight.
Worms.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi, there, Wally. How
was track practice?
Okay, I guess. Lumpy
Rutherford fainted.
What are we having for supper?
Lumpy fainted?
Yeah.
He was warming up
to throw the discus,
and he spun around
three times and fell over.
Wally, that's terrible.
Nah, he does it all the time.
He gets dizzy.
Hey, is Beaver home yet?
Well, he came home,
then he went downtown
with Whitey Whitney.
Beaver wants to buy a book.
Oh, yeah?
Another one of those
worm books for school?
No.
He mentioned some
book about Red River.
Oh, yeah. He must be gonna get
another one of those
Red River Sam books.
Red River Sam?
Yeah, that's a kid
who travels around
with a bunch of real
cowboys and has adventures.
They've got a Red
River Sam in Wyoming
and a Red River Sam in Arizona.
The Beaver told me
they just came out
with a Red River Sam in Hawaii.
Sounds like a Waikiki Western.
Huh?
A Waikiki Western.
Oh, yeah. I guess so, Mom.
The book store's right
down here, Whitey.
Yeah. How many Red River
Sam books do you have, Beaver?
I've got nine.
I had 11, but I loaned a couple
to a guy who had the measles,
and my mom won't
let me get 'em back.
There's a real neat book!
Did you read it, Whitey?
Sure. The monster's 5
miles tall, he's immortal,
and when he comes down to
earth, even the President hides.
Nah.
I'm sticking to Red River Sam.
You ought to read
those books, Whitey.
The neatest one I ever had
was Red River Sam in Mexico.
He went down there, and he
discovered this whole lost city.
Well, and it was
all made out of gold,
and they were walking on it,
and it was built by the Aztecs.
Aztecs?
Are they those jungle ants
that eat the meat off guys?
No. Aztecs are people.
They built a whole place.
Gee, that's the neatest
book I ever heard of!
Will you give me the lend of it?
I can't.
That's the one I loaned to
the guy with the measles.
Hey, Beaver! Look at that book!
How I Made a Million
Dollars in My Spare Time.
Yeah, that sure is neat.
Yeah. Think how
much he could've made
if he'd have worked
at it all the time.
Yeah. Hey, there's another one.
"How I Became a
Millionaire in 12 Months."
"How I Turned Five
Thousand into Five Million."
Boy, I never knew it was this
easy to become a millionaire.
I'm gonna buy
one of these books!
I don't think they let
kids be millionaires.
No, I'm gonna
buy it for my father.
But what about Red River Sam?
Gee, when my father
becomes a millionaire,
I can go to Mexico and
find my own city of gold.
Come on, Whitey.
Evening, dear.
Hi.
How are things at the office?
Same as usual.
That's a shame.
Beaver's waiting to
see you in the den.
Aw, June, I just got home.
I had a hard day at the office.
Now, do I have
to go right in there
and start scolding
him about something?
No. He did something very nice.
He went downtown, and he
came home with a present for you.
A present? What is it?
Well, I don't know, but
you make a big fuss over it,
'cause he used the money
he was gonna spend on
one of his adventure books.
He did, huh?
Yeah, this is a
big day in your life.
You've finally become a
bigger man than Red River Sam.
Well, that's a big
day in any father's life.
Oh, hi, Beav.
Oh, hi, Dad.
I have a present for you,
that I hope it'll stop
you from worrying.
Well, thank you, Beaver.
Well, let's see here.
It was very nice of you.
Oh, it's a book.
Yes, sir.
"How I Became a
Millionaire in 12 Months."
It cost 2.98.
That's a whole dollar more
than the Red River Sam book.
Yes, well, that's very
nice of you, Beaver.
That's a lot of money
to spend on your father.
Well, if you want to,
you can pay me back after
you become a millionaire.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, let's have
a look at it here.
Uh, "How to Plan an
Investment Program."
"How to Buy on Margin."
"My First 100,000."
Well, it certainly
sounds simple.
You do like the
book, don't you, Dad?
Oh, sure I do, Beav.
The only thing is,
uh, I'm not at all sure
that just reading this book is
going to make me a millionaire.
Well, sure. Just look at the guy
on the back of the
book who wrote it.
You look a whole
lot smarter than him.
Yes, well, thank you, Beaver.
You certainly have a
lot of faith in your father.
Sure, Dad.
The man in the bookstore said
this guy really did
make a million dollars.
And when he started out,
he just drove a taxicab.
Yes.
Well, I'll tell you
what, Beaver.
Um, I'll read it, and
I'll do the best I can.
How's that?
That's be neat, Dad.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
I'm going to give this book
an honored place in my library.
Oh, uh, say, Beav, I think
you'd better get washed up.
It's almost time for supper.
Okay, Dad.
Yeah. And, uh, thanks again.
Oh, that's okay, Dad.
What was the present?
This.
Does he really
think you can do it?
I guess so.
After all, I look a lot smarter
than the guy who
wrote it, don't I?
Yes.
But, honey, let's face it.
He's the one with the million.
You aren't reading that
whole book, are you?
No, I'm just, uh,
skimming through it.
I read the last chapter
first to see how it came out.
You know, this cab
driver really did make
a million dollars in 12 months.
How do we start?
Well, let's see. You take $500,
and you buy an option on
a $10,000 lot for 30 days.
Why do we do that?
Well, because you know a
big manufacturing company
needs it for an
employees' parking area.
Well, doesn't the man that
owned the lot know that?
Huh-uh. He's in Europe,
and he doesn't
know what's going on.
And, uh, then, you take
your profits from that deal,
and you buy 1,000
acres of farmland,
200 miles from the nearest city.
The next day, the Army
buys it for an airfield.
Suppose you buy the 1,000 acres,
and then the Army doesn't
want it for an airfield?
Well, I guess you're
back to driving a cab.
Well, it looks like
Beaver really wants you
to be a millionaire.
Oh, he does today, but you
know how boys his age are.
They want their father to be
something different every week.
I remember when I
was about his age,
I, uh, once had hopes that
my father would be a test pilot.
Did you ever mention it to him?
No. One cold morning,
I watched him spend half an hour
trying to start our
old Hupmobile.
I realized he'd never be
another Jimmy Doolittle.
Well, see you later, dear.
Oh, uh, put this
somewhere for me, will ya?
All right.
Bye, honey.
Hello.
Yeah, Whitey.
My dad said he's
gonna read the book,
and then he said he was gonna
put it in an honored position
in his library.
Gee, I wish I had 2.98,
so I could make my
father a millionaire.
Well, maybe after my
father gets to be a millionaire,
he'll loan your father the book.
Yeah, but he'd have
to wait a whole year.
Your father will
be a millionaire
12 whole months
before my father.
Listen, Whitey.
If he's gonna be rich,
it won't hurt him to
wait a few months.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, Beaver, when
your father's a millionaire,
do you think you'll go
to the same school?
Nah, I'll probably have to go
to one of them rich schools.
What are they like?
Well, they're the same
as regular schools,
except they don't
have any girls.
Yeah, I guess that's one
good thing about having money.
Mom!
Hey, Mom!
What is it, Wally?
I picked up your shoes
at the shoemakers for ya.
Thank you, Wally.
I was afraid you
might forget them.
Hey, Mom.
Don't your feet get
cold with the heels
and the toes out of the shoes?
Well, sometimes,
but it's the latest style.
Yeah. I guess it being the style
is more important than
being comfortable, huh?
Yeah, I guess it is.
Hey, Mom's making you
clean out the closet, huh?
No, I'm doing it myself.
How come?
I'm picking out clothes
to give to the poor kids,
when Dad becomes a millionaire.
What do you mean
when Dad's a millionaire?
Sure.
I gave him a book
on how to be one,
and in 12 months,
we're all gonna be rich.
Look, Beaver, why don't you
stop dreaming for once, huh?
Dad can't be a millionaire
just 'cause you gave
him some dumb book.
It cost 2.98.
It's not a dumb book!
Well, sure it is!
If you could be a millionaire
just by reading a book,
the whole world would be
crawling with millionaires.
So?
So, who would the
millionaires shove around?
I don't know that,
but if the guy in
the book could do it,
Dad could do it!
Look, Beaver, just 'cause
the guy in the book can do it,
that doesn't mean Dad can do it.
Now you're saying Dad's dumb!
I am not!
Sure you are! You're saying
that he's dumber than the
guy who wrote the book,
and the guy who wrote the
book made a million dollars!
Well, how do you know he did?
'Cause it says so on the cover.
Beaver, if you had
a million dollars,
would you sit around wasting
your time writing books?
Well, well, well maybe the
guy wants to help poor people.
If he wants to help
the poor people,
how come he's charging
them 3 bucks a copy?
Ah, you just don't want
Dad to be a millionaire,
well, on account
of it was my idea!
You know what you are, Beaver?
You're a dumb little kid.
That's better than being
a dumb big kid like you!
Rat, rat!
Rat!
Beaver, what was all
that yelling about upstairs?
Search me, Mom.
Uh, I didn't hear anything.
Beaver, is there
something wrong?
Well, gee, no, Mom.
Uh, could I have
something to eat?
Well, I think you'll
find some cookies
in the cookie drawer.
Thanks, Mom.
Boy, some honored
place in Dad's library.
Oh, Ward, I'm glad you're home.
Did you see Beaver
down the street anywhere?
No, why?
Well, he was here, and
then about two hours ago,
he disappeared, and
I'm worried about him.
Gee, Mom, he's not in the attic,
and he's not in the cellar.
I don't think he'd run away
this close to his birthday, though.
Well, do you have any
idea where he might be?
Well, uh, we had
kind of a fight.
Maybe he just went outside
to cool off or something.
Yeah, well, uh, why don't
you two look out front,
and I'll check out in back.
Okay, Dad.
What did you and
Beaver fight about?
Well, uh, I just called
him a dumb little kid,
and he called me a rat.
Wally, aren't you
both too big for that?
Well, I guess not,
Mom, 'cause we did it.
Beaver!
Beaver!
Beaver!
Here I am, Dad.
What, where?
Beaver? Up here, Dad.
Well, for heaven's sake, Beaver.
What are you doing?
You come down from
up there right now!
I don't want to come
right down from up here.
Ward, did you find him?
Hey, Dad.
The little goof's up the tree.
Yes, Wally. I know
he's up the tree.
Beaver, you come
down from there.
Do you want to catch cold?
I don't care what I catch,
just as long as I die from it.
He's very upset about something.
Beaver, will you tell
me what's the trouble?
Not until everybody goes away.
Hey, Dad, you want me to go
up there and yank him down?
If you do, I'll climb higher.
Ward, do something!
Yeah, uh, well, well, dear,
I think it might be better
if you both did go back inside.
Well, Ward, he...
No, please, dear.
All right, Beaver. They've gone.
Now come on down and
tell me what's the matter.
Well, you were worried
about paying bills,
so I gave you the
book to make you rich,
and you said you'd put it in
an honored place in your library,
didn't you?
Well, yes, I did.
Then I was going
to give it to Whitey,
so that his father
could be a millionaire.
And then Wally said
it was a dumb book,
and you'd never
be a millionaire.
Then I found it in the
cookie drawer all crumbed up.
Oh.
I guess you put quite a lot of
faith in that book, huh, Beaver?
Well, sure, Dad.
Well, I gave up a whole Red
River Sam in Hawaii to buy it.
Well, I'll tell you what, son.
You come on down now,
and let's see if I can't
straighten this out for you.
Well, yes, sir.
Hey, Mom! He's coming down.
That's fine, Wally.
Now come away from the window.
Aw, gee, Mom.
Can't I wait until he gets down?
Dad might start hitting
him or something.
Wally.
Okay, okay.
There we go!
Now then, let's go sit
down and talk this over.
Beaver, I think I ought to tell
you something about books.
What is it, Dad?
Well, a lot of books have
been written telling people
how to lead better lives,
and how to rear their children,
and how to get along
better with other people,
and now, how to make money.
Yes, sir.
But just because we
read those books, Beaver,
doesn't mean that we actually
raise our children any better,
or that we're better
human beings,
or that we make a lot of money.
It just isn't that simple.
But you said you liked my book,
and you said you'd give it an
honored place in your library.
Well, Beaver, I just didn't
want to hurt your feelings.
Tell me something.
Did you really believe
that if I read that book,
I could become a millionaire?
Well, I guess I knew it
wouldn't really happen,
but I didn't think it'd
get messed up so soon.
You just wanted to dream
about it a little longer, huh?
Yes, sir.
When you pay 2.98 for a dream,
you want it to last
at least a week.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess
you do at that, son.
You have violated
a sacred taboo, said,
and you die.
In the volcano, he screeched.
Red River Sam was silent.
Hey, what are you reading?
Red River Sam in Hawaii.
Dad bought it for
me this afternoon.
Is it any good?
Sure, it's really neat.
Hey, Beaver, will you
tell me something?
In the last Red
River Sam you read,
he was in Wyoming.
How did a cowboy get
all the way to Hawaii?
Well, he was shanghaied
on a clipper ship.
Well, I'm up to the part now
where these Hawaiian guys
have got him on this little ledge,
and they're gonna throw
him in a volcano for a sacrifice!
Yeah, I'll bet I
know what happens.
At the last minute, the
chief's daughter comes up.
She throws her arms around
him, and she saves his life.
What are you talking about?
Red River Sam would rather croak
before he'd let a girl save him.
Time for supper, boys!
Okay, Mom!
Hey, Wally. Dad said
you couldn't get rich
by reading them
millionaire books,
but the lady in the store
said they were bestsellers.
How come?
Well, when, uh,
when you read one of
those Red River Sam books,
you make believe that you're
the big shot hero, don't ya?
Sure, I do.
Well, when grownups
read those millionaire books,
they believe that
they're the guy
that's making
the million dollars.
Gee, I never knew that grownups
were as goofy as kids before.
Yeah.
Better not say anything
about it at supper, though.
You're liable to start trouble.
Yeah.
and...
Did you balance out
the checkbook yet?
Yeah, almost.
Uh, oh, uh, dear,
what's this entry here?
The stub says 8.69, but no
check came back from the bank.
Well, I couldn't get the
checkbook to balance,
so I wrote a check for
8.69 and then tore it up.
You know, dear, they
could use you in Washington.
Thank you.
Do we have any books
with worms in them?
Books with worms?
Yeah. We've gotta
bring pictures of animals
to school for science.
Some guys got butterflies,
other guys got lizards,
and our row got worms.
While you and your
father look for worms,
I'm going to go read the paper.
Try the encyclopedia, Beaver.
Okay, Dad.
What are you doing, Dad?
Oh, I'm just going
over the checkbook
and paying some
of last month's bills.
Here's the gas bill,
and the light bill,
and last month's gasoline bill.
Gee, Dad, that's not fair.
What's not fair?
Well, that stuff's all used up,
and now you've gotta pay for it.
Well, it's too bad, but
that's the way it works.
They always send out their bills
on the first of the
following month.
Wouldn't it be a lot
easier to pay real money
when you bought the stuff?
Well, no, it wouldn't, Beaver,
because that way, you
wouldn't have any record.
I mean, you wouldn't
have any reminder
of what you spent for this,
and what you spent for that.
Boy, if I had to spend all
the money you had to spend,
I wouldn't want anyone
reminding me of it.
You, uh, you have a
point there, Beaver.
But anyway, checks
are just like real money.
You mean, you can
just keep writing them
until you run out of checks?
No, you can just
keep writing them
until you run out of money.
Yeah, I thought it was too
good to work the other way.
Big people worry a lot
about money, don't they?
Yeah, I guess everyone
does, unless they're millionaires.
You're not a millionaire,
are you, Dad?
Uh, no, Beaver. I'm not.
If you keep working,
will you be a millionaire?
No, I'm afraid not, son.
Why not?
Well, I guess I just haven't
found the secret, Beaver.
Oh.
Well, I found my worms.
What?
The book.
Oh.
Well, Dad, how'd you...
I thought you might
like a cup of coffee.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Beaver, come on now.
You run upstairs and
stop bothering your father.
Okay, Mom.
Hmph.
He, uh, wanted to know when I
was going to become a millionaire.
Well, I'd like to
know that, too.
Now, why don't you run on
upstairs and not bother me?
You know, Wally, I
wouldn't want to be a worm.
How come?
If I was a worm, I'd
have to live in the ground,
and wiggle to get
anyplace, well, and eat dirt,
and I'd probably
end up on a fishhook.
Don't tell me your troubles.
I've got homework to do.
Well, I can't help it.
I just feel sorry for
worms, that's all.
I feel sorry for Dad, too.
How come, all of a sudden,
you're feeling sorry for Dad?
Well, 'cause he's
downstairs paying bills
and worrying about money.
Well, sure. That's
what a father's for.
He's gotta go to work,
and make the money,
and pay the rent,
and buy the food,
and raise the
children, all that.
Yeah. That's tougher
than being a worm.
Yeah, I guess so.
You know what I wish, Wally?
Yeah, you wish you
were a worm again.
No, I wish I was out in
the backyard digging,
and all of a sudden,
oil would shoot up,
and then there'd be an
oil well out in the backyard,
and Dad'd be a millionaire!
Aw, cut it out, Beaver.
They don't have
any oil around here.
They all got it down in Texas.
How come they
got it all down there?
I don't know.
I guess so it'll be
near the millionaires.
Look, how come you're always
making up this crazy good stuff
that could never happen?
Well, gee, well, if I'm
gonna make up good stuff,
I might as well make
up the best kind of stuff.
Hey, Wally, are there any
princes left in the world?
Yeah, I guess they've still
got a couple of them around.
They don't do too much anymore.
They don't go around having fun
and starting wars
like they used to.
Oh, yeah?
I once saw a real neat
movie with a real neat prince.
And then one day, he went to
this big built-in safe in his palace,
and he took out a whole big
bunch of jewels and crowns,
and he gave them to the people,
so that they could
start a democracy.
Yeah, when they don't
know how to end a picture,
they usually do that.
Boy, if I was a prince,
I'd take all the
jewels and the crowns
and give them to Dad,
so he'd be a millionaire
and wouldn't have to
worry about money anymore.
Boy, Beaver, you started
out talking about worms,
and now you're
ending up with jewels!
Boy, you're really
flying tonight.
Worms.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi, there, Wally. How
was track practice?
Okay, I guess. Lumpy
Rutherford fainted.
What are we having for supper?
Lumpy fainted?
Yeah.
He was warming up
to throw the discus,
and he spun around
three times and fell over.
Wally, that's terrible.
Nah, he does it all the time.
He gets dizzy.
Hey, is Beaver home yet?
Well, he came home,
then he went downtown
with Whitey Whitney.
Beaver wants to buy a book.
Oh, yeah?
Another one of those
worm books for school?
No.
He mentioned some
book about Red River.
Oh, yeah. He must be gonna get
another one of those
Red River Sam books.
Red River Sam?
Yeah, that's a kid
who travels around
with a bunch of real
cowboys and has adventures.
They've got a Red
River Sam in Wyoming
and a Red River Sam in Arizona.
The Beaver told me
they just came out
with a Red River Sam in Hawaii.
Sounds like a Waikiki Western.
Huh?
A Waikiki Western.
Oh, yeah. I guess so, Mom.
The book store's right
down here, Whitey.
Yeah. How many Red River
Sam books do you have, Beaver?
I've got nine.
I had 11, but I loaned a couple
to a guy who had the measles,
and my mom won't
let me get 'em back.
There's a real neat book!
Did you read it, Whitey?
Sure. The monster's 5
miles tall, he's immortal,
and when he comes down to
earth, even the President hides.
Nah.
I'm sticking to Red River Sam.
You ought to read
those books, Whitey.
The neatest one I ever had
was Red River Sam in Mexico.
He went down there, and he
discovered this whole lost city.
Well, and it was
all made out of gold,
and they were walking on it,
and it was built by the Aztecs.
Aztecs?
Are they those jungle ants
that eat the meat off guys?
No. Aztecs are people.
They built a whole place.
Gee, that's the neatest
book I ever heard of!
Will you give me the lend of it?
I can't.
That's the one I loaned to
the guy with the measles.
Hey, Beaver! Look at that book!
How I Made a Million
Dollars in My Spare Time.
Yeah, that sure is neat.
Yeah. Think how
much he could've made
if he'd have worked
at it all the time.
Yeah. Hey, there's another one.
"How I Became a
Millionaire in 12 Months."
"How I Turned Five
Thousand into Five Million."
Boy, I never knew it was this
easy to become a millionaire.
I'm gonna buy
one of these books!
I don't think they let
kids be millionaires.
No, I'm gonna
buy it for my father.
But what about Red River Sam?
Gee, when my father
becomes a millionaire,
I can go to Mexico and
find my own city of gold.
Come on, Whitey.
Evening, dear.
Hi.
How are things at the office?
Same as usual.
That's a shame.
Beaver's waiting to
see you in the den.
Aw, June, I just got home.
I had a hard day at the office.
Now, do I have
to go right in there
and start scolding
him about something?
No. He did something very nice.
He went downtown, and he
came home with a present for you.
A present? What is it?
Well, I don't know, but
you make a big fuss over it,
'cause he used the money
he was gonna spend on
one of his adventure books.
He did, huh?
Yeah, this is a
big day in your life.
You've finally become a
bigger man than Red River Sam.
Well, that's a big
day in any father's life.
Oh, hi, Beav.
Oh, hi, Dad.
I have a present for you,
that I hope it'll stop
you from worrying.
Well, thank you, Beaver.
Well, let's see here.
It was very nice of you.
Oh, it's a book.
Yes, sir.
"How I Became a
Millionaire in 12 Months."
It cost 2.98.
That's a whole dollar more
than the Red River Sam book.
Yes, well, that's very
nice of you, Beaver.
That's a lot of money
to spend on your father.
Well, if you want to,
you can pay me back after
you become a millionaire.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, let's have
a look at it here.
Uh, "How to Plan an
Investment Program."
"How to Buy on Margin."
"My First 100,000."
Well, it certainly
sounds simple.
You do like the
book, don't you, Dad?
Oh, sure I do, Beav.
The only thing is,
uh, I'm not at all sure
that just reading this book is
going to make me a millionaire.
Well, sure. Just look at the guy
on the back of the
book who wrote it.
You look a whole
lot smarter than him.
Yes, well, thank you, Beaver.
You certainly have a
lot of faith in your father.
Sure, Dad.
The man in the bookstore said
this guy really did
make a million dollars.
And when he started out,
he just drove a taxicab.
Yes.
Well, I'll tell you
what, Beaver.
Um, I'll read it, and
I'll do the best I can.
How's that?
That's be neat, Dad.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
I'm going to give this book
an honored place in my library.
Oh, uh, say, Beav, I think
you'd better get washed up.
It's almost time for supper.
Okay, Dad.
Yeah. And, uh, thanks again.
Oh, that's okay, Dad.
What was the present?
This.
Does he really
think you can do it?
I guess so.
After all, I look a lot smarter
than the guy who
wrote it, don't I?
Yes.
But, honey, let's face it.
He's the one with the million.
You aren't reading that
whole book, are you?
No, I'm just, uh,
skimming through it.
I read the last chapter
first to see how it came out.
You know, this cab
driver really did make
a million dollars in 12 months.
How do we start?
Well, let's see. You take $500,
and you buy an option on
a $10,000 lot for 30 days.
Why do we do that?
Well, because you know a
big manufacturing company
needs it for an
employees' parking area.
Well, doesn't the man that
owned the lot know that?
Huh-uh. He's in Europe,
and he doesn't
know what's going on.
And, uh, then, you take
your profits from that deal,
and you buy 1,000
acres of farmland,
200 miles from the nearest city.
The next day, the Army
buys it for an airfield.
Suppose you buy the 1,000 acres,
and then the Army doesn't
want it for an airfield?
Well, I guess you're
back to driving a cab.
Well, it looks like
Beaver really wants you
to be a millionaire.
Oh, he does today, but you
know how boys his age are.
They want their father to be
something different every week.
I remember when I
was about his age,
I, uh, once had hopes that
my father would be a test pilot.
Did you ever mention it to him?
No. One cold morning,
I watched him spend half an hour
trying to start our
old Hupmobile.
I realized he'd never be
another Jimmy Doolittle.
Well, see you later, dear.
Oh, uh, put this
somewhere for me, will ya?
All right.
Bye, honey.
Hello.
Yeah, Whitey.
My dad said he's
gonna read the book,
and then he said he was gonna
put it in an honored position
in his library.
Gee, I wish I had 2.98,
so I could make my
father a millionaire.
Well, maybe after my
father gets to be a millionaire,
he'll loan your father the book.
Yeah, but he'd have
to wait a whole year.
Your father will
be a millionaire
12 whole months
before my father.
Listen, Whitey.
If he's gonna be rich,
it won't hurt him to
wait a few months.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, Beaver, when
your father's a millionaire,
do you think you'll go
to the same school?
Nah, I'll probably have to go
to one of them rich schools.
What are they like?
Well, they're the same
as regular schools,
except they don't
have any girls.
Yeah, I guess that's one
good thing about having money.
Mom!
Hey, Mom!
What is it, Wally?
I picked up your shoes
at the shoemakers for ya.
Thank you, Wally.
I was afraid you
might forget them.
Hey, Mom.
Don't your feet get
cold with the heels
and the toes out of the shoes?
Well, sometimes,
but it's the latest style.
Yeah. I guess it being the style
is more important than
being comfortable, huh?
Yeah, I guess it is.
Hey, Mom's making you
clean out the closet, huh?
No, I'm doing it myself.
How come?
I'm picking out clothes
to give to the poor kids,
when Dad becomes a millionaire.
What do you mean
when Dad's a millionaire?
Sure.
I gave him a book
on how to be one,
and in 12 months,
we're all gonna be rich.
Look, Beaver, why don't you
stop dreaming for once, huh?
Dad can't be a millionaire
just 'cause you gave
him some dumb book.
It cost 2.98.
It's not a dumb book!
Well, sure it is!
If you could be a millionaire
just by reading a book,
the whole world would be
crawling with millionaires.
So?
So, who would the
millionaires shove around?
I don't know that,
but if the guy in
the book could do it,
Dad could do it!
Look, Beaver, just 'cause
the guy in the book can do it,
that doesn't mean Dad can do it.
Now you're saying Dad's dumb!
I am not!
Sure you are! You're saying
that he's dumber than the
guy who wrote the book,
and the guy who wrote the
book made a million dollars!
Well, how do you know he did?
'Cause it says so on the cover.
Beaver, if you had
a million dollars,
would you sit around wasting
your time writing books?
Well, well, well maybe the
guy wants to help poor people.
If he wants to help
the poor people,
how come he's charging
them 3 bucks a copy?
Ah, you just don't want
Dad to be a millionaire,
well, on account
of it was my idea!
You know what you are, Beaver?
You're a dumb little kid.
That's better than being
a dumb big kid like you!
Rat, rat!
Rat!
Beaver, what was all
that yelling about upstairs?
Search me, Mom.
Uh, I didn't hear anything.
Beaver, is there
something wrong?
Well, gee, no, Mom.
Uh, could I have
something to eat?
Well, I think you'll
find some cookies
in the cookie drawer.
Thanks, Mom.
Boy, some honored
place in Dad's library.
Oh, Ward, I'm glad you're home.
Did you see Beaver
down the street anywhere?
No, why?
Well, he was here, and
then about two hours ago,
he disappeared, and
I'm worried about him.
Gee, Mom, he's not in the attic,
and he's not in the cellar.
I don't think he'd run away
this close to his birthday, though.
Well, do you have any
idea where he might be?
Well, uh, we had
kind of a fight.
Maybe he just went outside
to cool off or something.
Yeah, well, uh, why don't
you two look out front,
and I'll check out in back.
Okay, Dad.
What did you and
Beaver fight about?
Well, uh, I just called
him a dumb little kid,
and he called me a rat.
Wally, aren't you
both too big for that?
Well, I guess not,
Mom, 'cause we did it.
Beaver!
Beaver!
Beaver!
Here I am, Dad.
What, where?
Beaver? Up here, Dad.
Well, for heaven's sake, Beaver.
What are you doing?
You come down from
up there right now!
I don't want to come
right down from up here.
Ward, did you find him?
Hey, Dad.
The little goof's up the tree.
Yes, Wally. I know
he's up the tree.
Beaver, you come
down from there.
Do you want to catch cold?
I don't care what I catch,
just as long as I die from it.
He's very upset about something.
Beaver, will you tell
me what's the trouble?
Not until everybody goes away.
Hey, Dad, you want me to go
up there and yank him down?
If you do, I'll climb higher.
Ward, do something!
Yeah, uh, well, well, dear,
I think it might be better
if you both did go back inside.
Well, Ward, he...
No, please, dear.
All right, Beaver. They've gone.
Now come on down and
tell me what's the matter.
Well, you were worried
about paying bills,
so I gave you the
book to make you rich,
and you said you'd put it in
an honored place in your library,
didn't you?
Well, yes, I did.
Then I was going
to give it to Whitey,
so that his father
could be a millionaire.
And then Wally said
it was a dumb book,
and you'd never
be a millionaire.
Then I found it in the
cookie drawer all crumbed up.
Oh.
I guess you put quite a lot of
faith in that book, huh, Beaver?
Well, sure, Dad.
Well, I gave up a whole Red
River Sam in Hawaii to buy it.
Well, I'll tell you what, son.
You come on down now,
and let's see if I can't
straighten this out for you.
Well, yes, sir.
Hey, Mom! He's coming down.
That's fine, Wally.
Now come away from the window.
Aw, gee, Mom.
Can't I wait until he gets down?
Dad might start hitting
him or something.
Wally.
Okay, okay.
There we go!
Now then, let's go sit
down and talk this over.
Beaver, I think I ought to tell
you something about books.
What is it, Dad?
Well, a lot of books have
been written telling people
how to lead better lives,
and how to rear their children,
and how to get along
better with other people,
and now, how to make money.
Yes, sir.
But just because we
read those books, Beaver,
doesn't mean that we actually
raise our children any better,
or that we're better
human beings,
or that we make a lot of money.
It just isn't that simple.
But you said you liked my book,
and you said you'd give it an
honored place in your library.
Well, Beaver, I just didn't
want to hurt your feelings.
Tell me something.
Did you really believe
that if I read that book,
I could become a millionaire?
Well, I guess I knew it
wouldn't really happen,
but I didn't think it'd
get messed up so soon.
You just wanted to dream
about it a little longer, huh?
Yes, sir.
When you pay 2.98 for a dream,
you want it to last
at least a week.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess
you do at that, son.
You have violated
a sacred taboo, said,
and you die.
In the volcano, he screeched.
Red River Sam was silent.
Hey, what are you reading?
Red River Sam in Hawaii.
Dad bought it for
me this afternoon.
Is it any good?
Sure, it's really neat.
Hey, Beaver, will you
tell me something?
In the last Red
River Sam you read,
he was in Wyoming.
How did a cowboy get
all the way to Hawaii?
Well, he was shanghaied
on a clipper ship.
Well, I'm up to the part now
where these Hawaiian guys
have got him on this little ledge,
and they're gonna throw
him in a volcano for a sacrifice!
Yeah, I'll bet I
know what happens.
At the last minute, the
chief's daughter comes up.
She throws her arms around
him, and she saves his life.
What are you talking about?
Red River Sam would rather croak
before he'd let a girl save him.
Time for supper, boys!
Okay, Mom!
Hey, Wally. Dad said
you couldn't get rich
by reading them
millionaire books,
but the lady in the store
said they were bestsellers.
How come?
Well, when, uh,
when you read one of
those Red River Sam books,
you make believe that you're
the big shot hero, don't ya?
Sure, I do.
Well, when grownups
read those millionaire books,
they believe that
they're the guy
that's making
the million dollars.
Gee, I never knew that grownups
were as goofy as kids before.
Yeah.
Better not say anything
about it at supper, though.
You're liable to start trouble.
Yeah.