Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 3, Episode 39 - Beaver's Team - full transcript

Starring...

and...

- Are you in a good mood?
- Huh?

Well, Beaver wants me
to show you something,

but only if you're
in a good mood,

not if you're in a bad mood.

Well, I had a miserable
day at the office

and a charming dinner, so
I guess I can go either way.

"A football hat,

a sweatshirt with
numbers on it,"

and "football pants."



Oh, he said he only
wanted the pants

if the other fellas get them.

Beaver and his friends
have formed a football team

called the Lightning
11, and he's the captain.

Oh, the captain, huh?

Well, I think the captain
ought to have pants,

even if the other fellas don't.

I'll go up in a little bit

and have a talk
with the old pro.

And me for quarterback,

and Gilbert for fullback
'cause he's the biggest guy,

and he won't play unless
we put him in the backfield.

Hey, Beaver,
that's only six guys.

How can you call six guys
called the Lightning 11?



Whoever heard of a football team

called the Lightning 6?

Anyway, the Lightning 11

is the kind of name
that scares guys.

Who you guys gonna play?

Well, the Grand Avenue Tigers,

as soon as they
get two more guys.

Hey, where'd they
get that name... Tigers?

Rick Rickover's the captain.

He's got a shirt
with a tiger on it

on account of his
father went to Princeton.

That's a school.

Hey, Beav, you want
that Eddie Haskell and I

should coach your team for you?

It'd be neat if you did, Wally.

But that Eddie...
He's a mean guy.

Well, I'll do most
of the coaching.

Eddie'll just kind
of hang around.

But he's the kind of guy that
even hangs around mean.

Nah. I won't let him
hang around mean.

Then I guess it'd be okay.

Well, Beaver, I see you
want a little football equipment.

Yeah, Dad. You
think I could please

get some shoulder pads
and a helmet with rubber in it

so I can bang my
head all I want?

Well, I think we can get
you a helmet, Beaver,

but isn't there something of
Wally's around here you can use?

Well, sure. He can use
my old football pants,

the ones I used to
have when I was a kid.

Are they clean or dirty?

I think they're kind of dirty.

Well, if they're
dirty, I'll wear them,

'cause I don't want to
look brand-new all over.

You know, Beaver,
when I was a boy,

we didn't have a lot
of fancy equipment.

Matter of fact, to
make a helmet,

my brother and I used to take an
old cap and stuff it with newspaper.

Boy, I'd sure hate
to run into a goalpost

with a hat full of newspaper.

Yeah. And then
we'd take cardboard

and put it in our
knickers for knee pads.

And on the way home, did
rich ladies give you free soup?

Why do you ask that?

Well, I saw a movie once

where this poor kid was
walking down the street,

and rich ladies
gave him free soup.

Boy, you sure must've had
a funny-looking team, Dad.

Well, maybe we were, Wally,

but we managed to enjoy ourselves
without a lot of fancy equipment.

Does this mean you're not
gonna buy me the stuff, Dad?

No, Beaver.

I think I can get you a
helmet and a sweatshirt.

I guess today a kid can't even
play marbles without a uniform.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Say, Beaver, about
this football team.

This is the baseball
season, isn't it?

Well, sure, Dad,
but he's just a kid.

What does he care
what season it is?

Oh, are you in here?

Yeah, I'm in here.

Well, I thought you took the
boys over to Metzger's Field.

Oh, I did, but I've been
back about 15 minutes.

How's the football team coming?

Well, I didn't stick
around very long.

All the kids gave me that look.

What look?

You know, like I was a father.

Oh.

Ah, there's nothing
like a Saturday at home.

No running down to the office.

No phone calls. No teletypes.

No people running
in to bother you.

That's nice, dear,

but there are a few things
I'd like you to do for me.

Oh?

The window in
the kitchen sticks,

the bulb's out in the
basement, there's some kind

of funny-looking
bugs all over the roses,

and the vacuum
cleaner doesn't work.

And, dear, would you run down to
the market and get me some wax?

I want to do the kitchen floor.

You know, I just
can't wait till Monday

to get back to that
office and take it easy.

Okay, guys, let's go.

Hey, Whitey, don't
just stand over the ball,

crouch down over it.

I'm crouched down up here,

but the rest of me won't crouch.

Come on. Let's go. Let's
get this show on the road.

Okay, you guys, line up.

Come on. Snap
into it, you clods.

Hey, cut it out,
will you, Eddie?

Is it my fault the kid can't
get out of his own way?

Come on. Let's go, Beav.

Uh, we're gonna go out
for a few passes now.

Okay, Gilbert. You go
out and cut to the right.

1, 2, 3, hike.

Gilbert, I said cut to the
right. How come you went left?

I didn't know whether you
meant my right or your right.

They're both the same.

Let me show these
owls how to do it.

Is that the way we
should do it, Coach?

Well, everything
up until he fell down.

Okay, you guys, let's
get under these punts.

1, 2, 3, hike.

I got it! It's mine! All mine!

Hey, Coach, I think
you got him over-trained.

Okay, you guys, come on back!

Hey, Coach, can I be excused?

I gotta go home and
take my cod liver oil.

Well, I was just gonna
give you some plays.

Are you gonna let the team down?

My father says if I don't
take my cod liver oil,

my teeth will fall out.

Look, kid, what
do you want to be,

all-American or have teeth?

Well, okay. I'll stay.

Okay, everybody over here.

Okay, now, Beaver, you
take the ball from Whitey,

and then you pretend
to give it to Gilbert

when he comes through
the center of the line.

Now watch.

1, 2, 3, hike.

And then you pretend
to watch the whole play.

And then, after
everybody's sucked in,

you take the ball, and
you run around the end,

and you make a
touchdown all by yourself.

Hey, Wally, that's neat.

Hey, when am I gonna get to
make a touchdown all by myself.

Later, Gilbert. Later.

Now, look, you guys try it.
Don't goof up anything, Beav.

Signal set.

1, 2, 3, hike.

Hey, kid, what are you doing,

playing football or
looking for Indians?

- Come on.
- Run, Beav.

Okay, okay. Come on back.

That's gonna be our secret play.

We'll call it Old 98.

Come on. Hurry up.

Boy, Wally, these pants of yours

are the slowest
pants I ever ran in.

Where you been?

The basement,
putting in a new bulb.

Oh. Did you look at those
funny-looking bugs on the roses?

- Uh-huh.
- What do you think?

I think they're the
funniest-looking bugs I ever saw.

Where's the vacuum
cleaner you wanted fixed?

It's in the hall closet.

- Hello, Wally.
- Hi, Mom.

- Is lunch ready yet?
- Will be in a few minutes.

Oh. Well, would it be okay
if I asked Eddie Haskell

to stay over for lunch today?

Well, I don't know.

Do you want to go to all
the trouble of calling him?

Oh, it's no trouble, Mom.

Hey, Eddie!

It's okay, Eddie.

There. You see, Sam?
I told you it'd work.

Hello, Eddie.

Oh. Hello, Mrs. Cleaver.

Wally and I were just
discussing our football practice.

One of the plays
works very well.

Yes. Doesn't it?

I'm gonna need a screwdriver.

- Oh, hello, fellas.
- Hi, Dad.

How do you do, Mr. Cleaver?

I've been invited
to stay for lunch.

Oh, fine. How's the
team coming along?

Oh, I believe the
squad is shaping up.

Yeah. Some of those
guys are kind of okay.

Well, that's fine.

Maybe after a little bit, I could come
over and give them a few pointers.

I played a little
football myself.

Yes. Beaver was telling
all the fellas on the field

how you used to stuff
newspapers in your cap.

I, uh, meant later on, Eddie.

Oh. Of course, Mr. Cleaver.

Where is the Beaver?

Oh, he and some of the guys stopped off
at the soda fountain to kind of show off.

He'll be along.

Thank you very much for
having me to lunch, Mrs. Cleaver.

- I hope it's no trouble.
- Oh, no, Eddie.

We're just having
chopped-egg sandwiches.

That'll be delicious.

Boy, Wally,
chopped-egg sandwiches.

Can't you talk your mother into
something with a little meat in it?

Pipe down, will you, Eddie?

Okay, okay.

- Hi, Penny.
- I saw you playing football.

I saw you seeing me.

- These aren't my pants.
- You got a good team, Beaver.

Oh, it's okay. We're gonna
play the Grand Avenue Tigers.

Are you gonna beat them?

Sure. But your brother's on our
team. Why don't you ask him?

When I ask him
stuff, he hits me.

That's because
you're his sister.

Yeah.

Most of the Tigers are
bigger than you fellas.

Yeah. But we got a secret play.

What's a secret play?

That's a play that nobody knows
about that always wins the game.

Is it a good secret play?

Sure. My brother made it up.

It's called the Old 98.

Here. Hold this.

I get the ball from Whitey,

then I pretend to
hand it to Gilbert,

then I sneak back,

and when nobody's looking, I run
around the end and make a touchdown.

Gee, your brother
must be pretty smart.

Yeah. He's the
one that made it up.

But I'm the one
who has to do it.

Well, I gotta go home now.

It's okay, Penny. You
can have the rest of it.

I'll see you.

Hey, look who's here. Penny.

Hiya, Penny. Where's
your dumb brother?

He's not a dumb brother.

He plays on the Lightning 11.

He's gonna beat
you dopey Tigers.

Ah, go on. We'll slaughter them.

- No, you won't.
- Sure we will.

No, you won't, because
they've got a secret play,

and Beaver's gonna make a
touchdown when nobody's looking.

What do you mean, a secret play?

Well, Beaver pretends
he hands the ball to Gilbert,

but instead, after
everyone's fooled,

he makes a touchdown.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

And it's called Old 98.

You just wait and
see what happens.

How do you like that, Richard?

She told us the
whole secret play.

Yeah. She's even dumber
than her dumb brother.

Dear, do you think this
Saturday you could do something

about those funny-looking
bugs on the roses?

Oh, sure.

I think I'll call someone over
at the nursery this afternoon,

have them come
over and look at them.

What's wrong with this morning?

Well, dear, the Lightning 11 is playing
the Grand Avenue Tigers this morning.

That's right. You
know, I almost forgot.

Oh, I wouldn't miss
that for anything.

You think Beaver's
team will win?

Well, the Lightning 11
has recruited another man.

They're now seven strong,

and Wally's given
them a secret play.

So, to quote Beaver,
they'll clobber the creeps.

Well, if we're going
to the football game,

I better get my dishes finished.

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

Hi, Mom.

Beaver, what happened?
You have two black eyes.

Heck, Mom. That's just stuff
to keep the sun out of my eyes.

Why, sure, June. That's just a
little coal black under the eyes,

like the old pros use.

We couldn't find any coal black,

so we used some
of Mom's mascara.

Only thing is it kind
of smells perfumey.

Don't worry, Beav.
After you get overheated,

nobody will ever notice it.

I'll tell you, fellas, if
you wait a little bit,

we'll drive you
over to the field.

Gee, Dad, you don't mean

you're gonna come over
and watch me, do you?

Why, of course.
We wouldn't miss it.

- Don't you want us to?
- Heck, Dad.

A guy doesn't want his
parents watching him play.

- It'd make me feel funny.
- Why, Beaver,
we're just proud of you.

Yeah. But what if I fell
down and got all bloody?

Think of the fuss you'd make.

Yeah, Mom. A guy
doesn't want his mom

crying and carrying on in front
of people even if he was dying.

Well, of course, if
you don't want us to,

why, we'll just stay here
and wait for the final score.

Well, sure, Dad. You don't
have to worry about anything.

I'll be there to call an ambulance
or a doctor or something.

So long, Mom. So long, Dad.

So long.

Dear, how could you let them
talk us out of going to the game?

Oh, I kind of
remembered how it is.

Once, when I was a kid, I was in a
swimming meet, and my parents attended.

We were doing the
breaststroke under water,

and during the first lap,

my mother jumped up and
screamed "He's drowning!"

When I finally came up,
I was so embarrassed,

I wished I had.

Come on. Let's go.

All right. Now listen, you
guys. I want a nice, clean game.

I don't want any clipping or
punching or biting or like that.

We're gonna wipe you, Beaver.

Yeah, we're gonna clobber you.

Okay, let's go.
Beaver's team receives.

Hey, aren't you
gonna flip for it?

Who's running this show?

Just do what
you're told, wise guy.

Hey, a couple of those
Tigers look kind of big.

You want I should
kind of chisel a little?

Aw, cut it out, will you, Eddie?

Get off!

Get your foot out of my face!

Come on. Break it
up in here. Come on.

Let's use the Old 98, Beav.

Not yet, Gilbert.
We're saving that.

Okay, fellas, now
we're gonna use...

Well, look, Mr. Hanson,
can you wait just a minute?

I'll ask my wife. Thanks.

June!

- June?
- Yes, dear?

I've got Mr. Hanson from
the nursery on the phone.

How would you describe
those bugs on the roses?

Oh, well, they're little green
wiggly things, and they have wings,

and there's funny little doodads

sticking out of the
top of their heads.

Mr. Hanson, well, they're
little green wiggly things,

and they've got funny little...

Uh, Mr. Hanson, you better come
over and look at them yourself.

Yeah. Thank you.

He'll be over later.

I wonder how the
Lightning 11 are doing.

You don't think Beaver
can get hurt, do you?

No, I don't think so.
But I thought I might just

sort of wander over
there accidentally.

I suppose if I just
sort of wandered over,

it would be too obvious, huh?

Yeah, I think it would.

Hey, Coach, how are we doing?

Well, you guys
have goofed it up,

but the score's still
nothing to nothing.

So I guess they must've
goofed it up pretty good, too.

Okay, you guys. Third quarter.

Hey, Wally, should
we use Old 98 now?

Nah. I think we'd better
save it until we really need it.

Boy, Wally, if we save it
any longer, they'll murder us.

Well, okay. Go ahead. Use it.

Signal's on.

98, 22, 98.

1, 2, 3, 4, hike.

Come on. Break it up. Come on.

Second down. 20 to go.

Let's go, team.

What happened?

I don't know. Something
must've gone wrong.

I told you we should've
had a baseball team.

All righty. Okay.

Come on. Let's go. Break it up.

Come on. Break it up. Let's go.

It's Lightning 11's ball
and one minute to play.

Hi, Wally.

Oh. Hi, Dad.

I, uh, just happened
to be going by.

Oh, yeah. Sure, Dad.

How's it going?

Well, it's still
nothing to nothing.

Well, I, uh... I think I'll
just hang around a little

if it's okay, Coach.

Sure, Dad.

Okay, fellas, let's go.

98, 16, 27, 21, 18, 98.

1, 2, 3, hike!

What happened, Wally?

I don't know. That
was our secret play.

That's it. Game's over.

Well, there you are, Coach.

You had to make
your brother the star.

Oh, hello, Dad. Did you see it?

Yeah, I saw it, Beaver. But don't
worry about it. You can't win all of them.

Gee, Dad, we can't
win any of them.

Well, I have a nice lunch
ready for the winners.

Yeah, Mom. But you got
anything for the losers?

That's right, dear. The
Tigers took a 7-nothing.

Well, I'm sure Beaver
played very well.

Oh, sure, Mom,
for the other team.

What?

Yeah. He did sort
of fumble it away.

Well, he's just a baby.

Uh, sure, Mom.

You know, I just
can't figure out

what happened on that play.

Well, in competitive sports,
Wally, accidents like that do happen.

Ward, tell Wally how you
swam the breaststroke,

and your mother jumped in
and saved you from drowning.

Now, that's not the way it
happened, June, and you know it.

How did it happen, Dad?

Some other time, son.

Say, where's the Beaver?
Didn't he come home with you?

No. He sort of wanted
to walk home by himself.

Poor little dear.

Uh, gee, Mom, I wouldn't call
him that when he gets home.

He's pretty mad already.

Hello, Beaver.

Hi, Penny.

Did you play football
with my brother today?

Yeah, I played football
with your brother today.

- Did you win?
- No, we didn't win.

Then you must've lost.

How'd you figure that one out?

I told the Tigers you'd win,

and I told that rat Harry and
that rat Richard that you'd win.

I guess you didn't
tell them good enough.

Sure I did.

I told them you were
gonna beat them,

and I told them that
you had a secret play,

and you were gonna
fool them and everything.

- You told them all that?
- Sure.

And they said you
didn't have a secret play.

And I said "Yes, you did,
and it was number 98."

Why'd you do that?

'Cause I like you,
Beaver. You're a nice boy.

You know, Penny,
you're a real dumb girl.

Beaver Cleaver,

you're a horrible mean
boy to say a thing like that!

I hate you, and I'll never speak
to you again as long as I live!

That's what I get
for playing football

in baseball season.

- Hi.
- Hi, Mom.

Hey, Mom, you think
this tie looks okay?

Yes, it looks all right.
You going out tonight?

Well, kind of.

Well, do you have a date.

Well, sort of.

What's the girl's name?

I don't know. Eddie
hasn't told me yet.

You mean Eddie's
arranging the evening?

Well, he said he was
gonna get me a blind date.

I don't know, but I figured I'd
put on a tie and go along with him.

Well, I know you'll always
act like a perfect gentleman.

Won't you, Wally?

Well, sure, Mom.
I'll be with Eddie.

Oh, yes. I forgot.

Where's the Beaver?

I think he's down
talking to Dad.

- About what?
- Well, I don't know, Mom.

You know how it is.

I have enough trouble
minding my own business.

Yeah, Dad. And then she said

she told Richard and
Harry and all the Tigers

about our secret play.

How could a girl be so dumb
as to do something like that?

Well, Beaver, you told
it to her in the first place.

That wasn't such a
smart thing, either.

But, gee, Dad, I didn't
think it was being dumb.

Well, son, I think you've
learned something here.

Never tell anyone anything
you don't want repeated.

But, gee, Dad, I
like to talk to people.

How can I talk to them
if I don't tell them stuff?

Well, it's all right
to talk to people,

but if you're trying to keep a
secret, you must be on your guard.

I guess you gotta be more
on your guard with girls

than you do with
fellas, huh, Dad?

Well, yes, but there's no need

to tell your mother I said that.

Oh, don't worry, Dad.

We're a couple of guys
that can tell each other stuff.

There you are.

Well, Beaver, what have you
been discussing with your father?

Nothing, Mom.
We were just talking

like the two of us were men.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA