Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 3, Episode 37 - Wally's Play - full transcript
Wally has been honored as only one of ten sophomores who have been invited to join the Crusaders, a school sponsored boys only club for letter-men. The Crusaders are a popular and well rounded group, who, among other things, puts on performances, with the annual Crusaders Follies upcoming. When Wally finds out his part in the follies, he is reluctant to talk about it. Ward and June want to respect his privacy, but both are dying to know which part he got. When Beaver finds Wally's costume, he and his parents know why Wally didn't want to talk about it: he is playing the role of the dance hall girl. Despite his parents believing Wally should show some school and club spirit by performing the role with gusto, Wally would rather quit the club than wear a dress. But with a little advice from Ward, Wally may be able to remain a member of the club, still perform in the follies but not have to wear a dress.
Starring...
and...
Oh, are you home?
Yeah, I think so.
What are you doing?
Oh, I gotta get a
new bulb in here.
No, you don't, dear.
Sorry. I was
vacuuming in here today.
Now what's wrong with it?
Well, I must have
broken the bulb
when I was shaking it.
What did you shake it for?
Well, I... Never mind, dear.
What else is new in
the Cleaver household?
Oh, would you make a little
fuss over Wally at supper?
What's up?
Well, he's been elected
to a club called The
Crusaders at high school.
And they only took
in 10 sophomores,
so it's quite an honor.
What kind of a club's this?
Letterman's club.
School sponsors it, and
they put on plays and things.
Well, fine.
I'll make the same
kind of fuss I made
when he brought his
grade up in Spanish.
A sort of a B+ type fuss.
I married a genius.
Yeah, I know.
Beaver, don't do
that at the table.
Well, gee, Dad,
where can I do it
'cause I sure got to do it?
Beaver, take a drink of water.
Well, Wally, I understand you
made The Crusaders at school.
That's quite an honor.
Well, yeah, Dad,
Crusaders is a real neat club.
I don't know why they took me.
They usually just
take the swingers.
Who else in your class
was invited to join?
Well, from my homeroom,
Eddie Haskell was
the only other guy.
I didn't know Eddie
had made his letter.
Well, he was assistant
manager to the basketball team,
and they had to
give him a letter
'cause in the
middle of the season
the real manager got the mumps.
Now, I don't know why,
but somehow that
sounds like Eddie.
Well, what activities do
The Crusaders plan, Wally?
Well, in a couple of weeks,
we're going to put on
"The Crusader Follies."
It's kind of a satire. The
guys do it every year.
Isn't that wonderful, Ward?
We're going to have
an actor in the family.
What kind of junk are
you going to put on, Wally?
It's going to be a
take-off on a western play.
With cowboys and shooting?
Well, I guess with
cowboys and shooting.
Well, what part do you
think you'll have, Wally?
Well, I don't know. I just
got into The Crusaders,
so they'll probably just give
me a standing around part.
A standing around part?
Yeah, you know, a guy
that just stands around
while the other guys say stuff.
Now, Wally, I don't think
a fellow should always
be running himself down.
- Do you, Beav?
- Gee, no, Dad.
There's enough grown-ups
around to do that for you.
I suppose there are, Beav.
Wally, I'll bet you'll just
have a wonderful part.
Well, I don't know if I'll
have a wonderful part or not
'cause Duke Hathaway...
He's the head of the thing.
I asked him today,
and he said we get our
parts and costumes tomorrow
and I was a sophomore
so I should shut up.
Haven't I heard of
Duke Hathaway before?
Well, sure, the Duke
made all-state guard
in basketball again this year.
He's the kind of guy you got
to let him push you around.
Beaver, we told
you to stop that.
I know, Dad, but if I drink
any more water, I'll get sick.
All right.
You know, Mom,
I'd hate to be a cow and
get grounded up like this.
Now, Beaver.
Even if I was dead,
it would still hurt.
Please, Beaver,
this is our supper.
Yes, Mom.
- Hi, Wally.
- Hi, Wally.
Hi, Mom.
We're grinding up
a cow for supper.
Yeah, sure.
Well, Wally, what
do you have there?
Oh, it's nothing.
Wally, you have a big
box under your arm.
What is it?
It's nothing, Mom.
Well, I never heard of a
boy bringing home a box
full of nothing.
Did you, Beaver?
Not unless he was a creep.
Wally, that must be your
costume for the play, isn't it?
Well, sort of.
Don't you want to show it to us?
No, thank you, Mom.
Well, now, why would
Wally be acting like that?
I don't know, Mom.
I guess because he's a teenager.
Hey, Wally, what are you
doing? Thinking about girls again?
No, I'm not
thinking about girls.
Hey, how about letting me see
the costume you
brought home for the play?
Look, I'm not
letting you see it.
Where is it?
Never mind.
I don't want you getting
your grubby hands on it.
My hands aren't grubby.
I just washed them.
I don't care if you
washed them 100 times.
They'd still be grubby.
Ward?
Yeah, I'm in here, dear.
Ward, why are
you hiding in here?
I'm not hiding.
I'm just trying to get a
few business letters written.
Dear, I know you have
problems of your own,
but do you realize
you have two children?
Yeah, I'd heard
rumors to that effect.
Wally's acting strange.
Well, sure, he's a teenager.
I got that much
out of the Beaver.
Well, what do you mean
he's acting strange?
Well, I know he got
his part in the play,
but he won't talk about it.
And I'm just sure that
something's bothering him.
Well, June, what do
you want me to do?
Well, your his father.
Can't you go up
and get it out of him
in a roundabout way?
All right.
But why do I always
have to be the sneaky one?
Dear, you're not being sneaky.
You're just being a father.
Oh.
Well, fellows, how
are we feeling?
Well, I'm okay, but
Wally's being a creep.
I am not.
Oh.
Well, Wally, I understand
you got your part
in The Crusaders play today.
Yes, sir.
Well, is it a good role?
I don't know. I've never
been in a play before.
Oh.
Well, of course, if you
don't want to talk about it,
I'll just drop the subject.
That'll be okay with me, Dad.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, supper will be
ready in a little while, fellows.
Hey, Wally, if
something's bothering you,
why don't you tell me about
it? Maybe I could help you.
Why does everybody
have to pick on me?
Did you find out what
was bothering Wally?
No, I must be losing my touch.
Are you sure you left your
baseball in here, Beaver?
Sure, Gilbert.
Wally and I were playing
catch with it last night.
Take a look under the bed.
Hey, Beaver,
what's this big box?
Hey, that's my brother's
costume for a play.
He's been hiding it on me.
Let's open it and
see what it is.
No, I don't think we should.
Aw, come on.
It must be something
good if he's hiding it.
It's just an old cowboy
suit or something.
That's the funniest-looking
cowboy suit I ever saw.
Look, Gilbert, it's a dress
with a skirt and everything.
Hey, look at these shoes.
Oh, I've seen these kind
of dresses on television.
Old ladies that dance
in saloons wear them.
You don't think your brother's
going to dance in a saloon.
I don't know.
Hey, Gilbert, look
at these crazy shoes.
Boy, Gilbert, isn't this goofy?
Look, Gilbert,
I'm a saloon lady.
Put that down,
you little sneaks.
Hello, Wally.
Hi, Wally.
Why, what a little sneak.
I thought I told you to keep
your grubby hands off my stuff.
Well, gee, Wally, I
didn't mean to find it.
It was just an accident.
Boy, what a
couple of little rats.
I ought to clop you one.
Beaver, I think I better
go home for dinner now.
Look, Beaver, I'm telling
you if you say anything
to anybody about this,
I'm going to fix you good.
Well, don't worry, Wally.
I'd be too ashamed
to tell anybody
I had a brother who
was going to be a girl.
Well, hi there, Gilbert.
Hello, Mr. Cleaver.
Hey, you been upstairs
playing with Beaver?
Yeah, but I got to go home now
on account of he
and Wally are fighting.
Good-bye, Mr. Cleaver.
Oh, where are you going?
Yeah, Beaver and
Wally are fighting.
Leave it in the
box, you little creep.
Let me have that.
Stop pushing me around.
Look...
Now look what you did.
Well, I don't care.
Girl! Girl! Girl!
Here, here, wait a minute.
Boys, what's the matter?
I'm going to clop him,
Dad. He ripped my dress.
- Now, wait a minute.
- What's going on here?
Beaver ripped Wally's dress.
Well, it's just his crummy
costume for the play.
Wally.
Why is your costume a dress?
'Cause he's going to be a girl.
Ahh.
A girl?
Yeah, The Crusaders are all guys
and they got to
play all the parts,
and well, somebody's got
to play the dancehall girl
and they gave it to me
and I'm not going to do it.
Now, wait. Wait a minute, Wally.
Look, didn't you
tell me that last year
some of the fellows
played girls' parts?
Well, yeah, they had a
whole chorus line of them.
Well, there you are then.
The whole thing's just a satire.
You're just supposed to
get up there, horse around,
and have some fun.
I don't know.
Well, of course you will.
Look, we used to
do this sort of thing
at my fraternity in college.
What are the other
fellows going to think of you
if you don't get into
the spirit of the thing?
It's all part of being a
member of The Crusaders.
I don't care. I
don't want to do it.
Oh, come on, Wally.
You slip it on after supper,
and I'll see if I
can't sew it up.
Well, maybe.
That's a boy.
Now then, you two,
no more fighting.
Yes, sir.
Here you are, Wally.
You two get ready for dinner.
Now what are you doing?
I just want to see what kind
of underwear they gave you.
Just cut it out, will you?
Hey, Dad, can't I come in now?
No, Beaver, you
stay out of here.
Yeah, you keep out of here.
Heck, I always got to
miss all the good stuff.
Well, that's not so bad.
Come on, Wally.
Take a few steps.
I want to see how
it hangs in the back.
No, sir. Nothing doing.
Now, Wally.
Huh-uh, I'm quitting
The Crusaders.
I'll quit the school.
I'll quit the whole
town if I have to.
Oh, Wally, why don't you...
Wally, you have to unhook it.
You know, I'd sure
hate to see Wally pull out
of The Crusaders before
he even gets started.
So would I,
but I think I understand
the way he feels
about playing
the dancehall girl.
Well, it's all in
the spirit of fun.
Gee, when I was in college,
I did a sketch where
I put on a grass skirt
and played a hula girl.
Well, Ward, some
people can do that.
Wally just happens to be
a little more like my
side of the family...
More sensitive.
Dear, what do you
think the Cleavers are?
Hard-headed Neanderthals?
No, but...
Well, something like this
can be very embarrassing.
When I was in school,
I had to play the part
of George Washington.
I felt so self-conscious
in those trousers and
silk stockings and wig.
You know, somehow I just
can't picture you at Valley Forge.
Well, it wasn't funny to me.
They even sent for my
mother, and I still wouldn't do it.
Well, Wally just can't
go through his whole life
being sensitive.
Why not?
You want him to be
somebody he isn't?
Oh, of course not, but I... I...
I guess it does all
boil down to the fact
that some fellows can go
along with a joke like this
and others can't.
But I just don't want to
see Wally be a quitter.
I think I'll go up and
talk to him after a little.
Maybe he could switch
parts with someone else.
This is the way it is, Duke...
The Crusaders are
a neat bunch of guys,
but my studies come first
and I shall not be
able to accept the part.
Nah, that's no good.
Look, Duke, let
me level with you.
This playing a
girl is for the birds.
Hey, what are you snooping at?
I'm just watching
you be a quitter.
Aw, don't rub it in, huh, Beav?
I'm not.
If I had to play a girl, I'd
get sick to my stomach.
Yeah.
If I have to get
up on that stage,
that just might be what I'll do.
Well, if you make
him do it, Dad,
he's going to get sick
right up on the stage.
Well, I'm not going to
make you do it, Wally.
But I think there's a way
you can still stay in the club.
But, Gee, Dad, if I
turn down the part,
the Duke will throw me
out of The Crusaders.
Not if you switch parts
with someone else.
But I don't know
anybody goofy enough
that would play a girl.
Well, maybe you don't
have to ask someone directly.
Maybe you can make
the part sound so attractive
that someone will
be begging you for it.
How could you make
playing a girl look good?
Wally, did you
ever hear the story
about the fox and the
bear and the quicksand?
Is that like a cartoon
on television, Dad?
No, it's an old fable, Beaver.
Oh, I think I'll go downstairs
and have Mom help
me with my spelling.
You better stick around.
This is a pretty good story.
What is it, Dad?
Well, one day this fox
fell into a pit of quicksand,
and no matter how
hard he tried to get out,
he just kept sinking
deeper and deeper.
Well, finally a bear came along,
and the big old bear said,
"What are you doing down there?"
And the smart fox said,
"I'm taking a little swim."
Gee, Dad, that's neat.
You talk just like
a bear and a fox.
Thank you, Beaver.
Anyway, the fox kept
telling the bear, you know,
how fine the water was and what
a wonderful swim he was having
till the bear finally
got so excited
he dove right into
the pit of quicksand...
and the fox jumped on
his shoulders and got out.
Gee, Dad, that's
just like a kid's story.
Look, Wally, don't you see?
Right now you're the
fox in the quicksand.
What you have to do
is find yourself a bear.
Yeah, sure, Dad.
It just might work, son.
Hey, Wally, what
happened to the bear?
Did he wait around for
an elephant to come along
and talked him into
going swimming?
Nah, I don't think elephants
mess around much with bears.
Did you talk to Wally
about switching parts?
Yeah, I think he's agreeable.
I told him the story
about the fox and the bear.
Dear, why don't you
tell me stories anymore?
When we were first married,
you always told me stories.
Well, dear, somewhere
along the line
I got the feeling you
weren't listening anymore.
This is the Captain.
Blow both tanks.
Take her down to
200 feet and level off.
Zoom... Hey, Beaver,
what are you doing?
Oh, hi, Wally.
I'm just pretending I'm the
captain of a powered submarine,
and it's going to
the North Pole.
Boy, what a dumb
thing to be doing.
Well, it's better than
going in the house
and getting yelled at.
Why would you get yelled at?
You know how it is.
Hey, did you get out of
being a girl in that play?
Nah.
I kinda hinted around
to Lumpy and Tooey,
but they wouldn't go for it.
Yeah, I guess you gotta
be a pretty smart fox
to make that stuff work.
Yeah.
You gotta find yourself
a pretty dumb bear, too.
Hey, maybe The Crusaders
could take in a real girl
to play the part
of the saloon lady.
Heck, Beaver, you can't
take girls in a club with boys.
They got a rule against
having that much fun.
♪ Please come home ♪
♪ Your lovin'
daddy's all alone ♪
Hi, Eddie.
Well, if it isn't the queen
of that dancehall girls.
What are you laughing at, Eddie?
I was just thinking about you
clumping around the
stage in that dress.
Well, gee, Duke
Hathaway tells me
that that's just about the
biggest part in the whole play.
You mean you got a lot of lines?
Oh, I don't know,
eight or nine pages.
Mary Ellen Rogers said she
might come over and coach me.
She said she might come
over a couple nights a week.
Mary Ellen Rogers, huh?
Yeah.
How many lines do you
have in the play, Eddie?
Well, I say, "Here
comes the sheriff."
Later on I say,
"Somebody stole our horses."
Gee, you know your
part already, Eddie.
You're not gonna need any
coaching from girls or anything.
Well, I guess I like your two lines
as much as if you had a real part.
Um, hey, Beaver,
you wanna throw the
football around after supper?
Yeah, I'd like to throw the
football around after supper.
Okay, then we'll throw the
football around after supper.
- Uh, hey, Wally?
- Yeah?
Do you not really mind
being a girl in the play?
Gee, a guy's gotta
get in the spirit
and horse around with
the other fellas, doesn't he?
Wally, all the guys from
my class are coming.
Will you give them
your autograph?
Sure. Why should I be stuck up?
Wally, tell me something.
How come the Duke
gave you such a good part?
Well, I guess the Duke
wanted to give it to a swinger.
The Duke thinks
you're a swinger?
He gave me the part, didn't he?
Hey, Beav, you wanna
throw the football around now?
Yeah, I'd like to throw
the football around now.
Okay.
Um, will you excuse us, Eddie?
We're gonna throw
the football around now.
Yeah, sure.
Well, I'll see you later, Eddie.
Yeah, see you guys.
Hey, Beav, you
think he fell for it?
I don't know.
Eddie always looks so sneaky.
You can't really tell
what he's thinking about.
Hey, you wanna throw
the football around now?
Heck, no.
Yea... Yes, well,
I don't think so,
but thank you very
much for calling. Bye.
Who was that on the phone?
That was a Mr. O'Rourke.
He says for 7.50 a month,
he'll guarantee us
a bug-free home.
That doesn't sound
very flattering,
implying we have bugs.
You have to look
at it this way, dear.
Our bugs are his
bread and butter.
Wally seemed a little
happier this evening.
Maybe he's finally getting used
the idea of playing a dancehall girl.
You got used to playing
a hula girl, didn't you?
Dear, I wish you'd
forget about that.
I will if you'll forget about my
playing George Washington.
That's a deal.
Here, I'll get it.
Good evening, Mr. Cleaver.
I'm Harold Hathaway.
I wonder if I could see Wally.
Oh, well, I think he's
doing his homework.
Yeah, well, just tell
him the Duke is here.
Oh.
Wally? Wally!
Yeah, Dad.
The uh... The Duke is here.
Be right there, Dad.
Well, Duke,
is Mayfield going to have another
good basketball team next year?
Oh, I don't think
so, Mr. Cleaver.
- I'm graduating.
- Oh.
- Hello, Cleaver.
- Oh, hi, Duke.
I wonder if I might
speak to you alone?
Oh, why don't you
fellas use the den?
Why, thank you, Mr. Cleaver.
- Was that Duke Hathaway?
- Uh-huh.
Wish I'd gone to the door.
I never met a swinger.
Maybe you can catch
him on the way out.
Why did they close the door?
Because they didn't
want us to hear.
Why didn't they want us to hear?
Because we're parents.
Well, that's big of you to
see it that way, Cleaver.
The Crusaders won't
forget what you've done.
Good evening,
Mr. Cleaver, Mrs. Cleaver.
Good evening.
Nice of you to let
me intrude like this.
Oh, it's all right.
Well, good night, Duke.
Good night, ol' boy.
My, he is a swinger, isn't he?
Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Hey, come back here.
- What happened?
- Yes, what did you
and the Duke talk about?
Oh, well, Eddie Haskell went
over to see the Duke this afternoon,
and he whined around,
so Duke came over to ask me
if I'd do The
Crusaders a big favor
by letting Eddie play
the dancehall girl.
You mean you're not
going to be in the play?
Oh, no, I got another part.
That's fine.
Say, If you like, we'll
help you with the lines.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I already know them.
I only have two lines.
All I say is "Here
comes the sheriff."
Then later on I say
"Somebody stole our horses."
Wally, I thought that was
a very enjoyable evening.
Yes, it was just fine.
You Crusaders should be
very proud of yourselves.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Mom.
Wally, that was real
funny when you said
"Somebody stole our horses"
when you were supposed to
say "Here comes the sheriff."
Yeah. Nobody knew it was
supposed to be the other way around.
How about a snack?
Yeah, all that laughing
made my stomach empty.
Come on.
Oh, I thought Eddie
Haskell was just wonderful
as that dancehall girl.
He certainly got a lot
out of the part, didn't he?
That was real funny when he
kept getting up after they shot him.
Yeah.
What's the matter, Wally?
I was just thinking.
Eddie doing that
dancehall girl so well
and everybody applauding
and the girls making
a big fuss over him,
maybe I should've
kept that part.
Well, Wally, I wouldn't want
to see you go overboard on it,
but I don't think it would hurt
if you were a
little bit like Eddie.
Yes, and it certainly
wouldn't hurt Eddie
if he was a little
bit like Wally.
Very true.
Come on, Beaver. What
are you going to have?
I have some ground-up cow.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
and...
Oh, are you home?
Yeah, I think so.
What are you doing?
Oh, I gotta get a
new bulb in here.
No, you don't, dear.
Sorry. I was
vacuuming in here today.
Now what's wrong with it?
Well, I must have
broken the bulb
when I was shaking it.
What did you shake it for?
Well, I... Never mind, dear.
What else is new in
the Cleaver household?
Oh, would you make a little
fuss over Wally at supper?
What's up?
Well, he's been elected
to a club called The
Crusaders at high school.
And they only took
in 10 sophomores,
so it's quite an honor.
What kind of a club's this?
Letterman's club.
School sponsors it, and
they put on plays and things.
Well, fine.
I'll make the same
kind of fuss I made
when he brought his
grade up in Spanish.
A sort of a B+ type fuss.
I married a genius.
Yeah, I know.
Beaver, don't do
that at the table.
Well, gee, Dad,
where can I do it
'cause I sure got to do it?
Beaver, take a drink of water.
Well, Wally, I understand you
made The Crusaders at school.
That's quite an honor.
Well, yeah, Dad,
Crusaders is a real neat club.
I don't know why they took me.
They usually just
take the swingers.
Who else in your class
was invited to join?
Well, from my homeroom,
Eddie Haskell was
the only other guy.
I didn't know Eddie
had made his letter.
Well, he was assistant
manager to the basketball team,
and they had to
give him a letter
'cause in the
middle of the season
the real manager got the mumps.
Now, I don't know why,
but somehow that
sounds like Eddie.
Well, what activities do
The Crusaders plan, Wally?
Well, in a couple of weeks,
we're going to put on
"The Crusader Follies."
It's kind of a satire. The
guys do it every year.
Isn't that wonderful, Ward?
We're going to have
an actor in the family.
What kind of junk are
you going to put on, Wally?
It's going to be a
take-off on a western play.
With cowboys and shooting?
Well, I guess with
cowboys and shooting.
Well, what part do you
think you'll have, Wally?
Well, I don't know. I just
got into The Crusaders,
so they'll probably just give
me a standing around part.
A standing around part?
Yeah, you know, a guy
that just stands around
while the other guys say stuff.
Now, Wally, I don't think
a fellow should always
be running himself down.
- Do you, Beav?
- Gee, no, Dad.
There's enough grown-ups
around to do that for you.
I suppose there are, Beav.
Wally, I'll bet you'll just
have a wonderful part.
Well, I don't know if I'll
have a wonderful part or not
'cause Duke Hathaway...
He's the head of the thing.
I asked him today,
and he said we get our
parts and costumes tomorrow
and I was a sophomore
so I should shut up.
Haven't I heard of
Duke Hathaway before?
Well, sure, the Duke
made all-state guard
in basketball again this year.
He's the kind of guy you got
to let him push you around.
Beaver, we told
you to stop that.
I know, Dad, but if I drink
any more water, I'll get sick.
All right.
You know, Mom,
I'd hate to be a cow and
get grounded up like this.
Now, Beaver.
Even if I was dead,
it would still hurt.
Please, Beaver,
this is our supper.
Yes, Mom.
- Hi, Wally.
- Hi, Wally.
Hi, Mom.
We're grinding up
a cow for supper.
Yeah, sure.
Well, Wally, what
do you have there?
Oh, it's nothing.
Wally, you have a big
box under your arm.
What is it?
It's nothing, Mom.
Well, I never heard of a
boy bringing home a box
full of nothing.
Did you, Beaver?
Not unless he was a creep.
Wally, that must be your
costume for the play, isn't it?
Well, sort of.
Don't you want to show it to us?
No, thank you, Mom.
Well, now, why would
Wally be acting like that?
I don't know, Mom.
I guess because he's a teenager.
Hey, Wally, what are you
doing? Thinking about girls again?
No, I'm not
thinking about girls.
Hey, how about letting me see
the costume you
brought home for the play?
Look, I'm not
letting you see it.
Where is it?
Never mind.
I don't want you getting
your grubby hands on it.
My hands aren't grubby.
I just washed them.
I don't care if you
washed them 100 times.
They'd still be grubby.
Ward?
Yeah, I'm in here, dear.
Ward, why are
you hiding in here?
I'm not hiding.
I'm just trying to get a
few business letters written.
Dear, I know you have
problems of your own,
but do you realize
you have two children?
Yeah, I'd heard
rumors to that effect.
Wally's acting strange.
Well, sure, he's a teenager.
I got that much
out of the Beaver.
Well, what do you mean
he's acting strange?
Well, I know he got
his part in the play,
but he won't talk about it.
And I'm just sure that
something's bothering him.
Well, June, what do
you want me to do?
Well, your his father.
Can't you go up
and get it out of him
in a roundabout way?
All right.
But why do I always
have to be the sneaky one?
Dear, you're not being sneaky.
You're just being a father.
Oh.
Well, fellows, how
are we feeling?
Well, I'm okay, but
Wally's being a creep.
I am not.
Oh.
Well, Wally, I understand
you got your part
in The Crusaders play today.
Yes, sir.
Well, is it a good role?
I don't know. I've never
been in a play before.
Oh.
Well, of course, if you
don't want to talk about it,
I'll just drop the subject.
That'll be okay with me, Dad.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, supper will be
ready in a little while, fellows.
Hey, Wally, if
something's bothering you,
why don't you tell me about
it? Maybe I could help you.
Why does everybody
have to pick on me?
Did you find out what
was bothering Wally?
No, I must be losing my touch.
Are you sure you left your
baseball in here, Beaver?
Sure, Gilbert.
Wally and I were playing
catch with it last night.
Take a look under the bed.
Hey, Beaver,
what's this big box?
Hey, that's my brother's
costume for a play.
He's been hiding it on me.
Let's open it and
see what it is.
No, I don't think we should.
Aw, come on.
It must be something
good if he's hiding it.
It's just an old cowboy
suit or something.
That's the funniest-looking
cowboy suit I ever saw.
Look, Gilbert, it's a dress
with a skirt and everything.
Hey, look at these shoes.
Oh, I've seen these kind
of dresses on television.
Old ladies that dance
in saloons wear them.
You don't think your brother's
going to dance in a saloon.
I don't know.
Hey, Gilbert, look
at these crazy shoes.
Boy, Gilbert, isn't this goofy?
Look, Gilbert,
I'm a saloon lady.
Put that down,
you little sneaks.
Hello, Wally.
Hi, Wally.
Why, what a little sneak.
I thought I told you to keep
your grubby hands off my stuff.
Well, gee, Wally, I
didn't mean to find it.
It was just an accident.
Boy, what a
couple of little rats.
I ought to clop you one.
Beaver, I think I better
go home for dinner now.
Look, Beaver, I'm telling
you if you say anything
to anybody about this,
I'm going to fix you good.
Well, don't worry, Wally.
I'd be too ashamed
to tell anybody
I had a brother who
was going to be a girl.
Well, hi there, Gilbert.
Hello, Mr. Cleaver.
Hey, you been upstairs
playing with Beaver?
Yeah, but I got to go home now
on account of he
and Wally are fighting.
Good-bye, Mr. Cleaver.
Oh, where are you going?
Yeah, Beaver and
Wally are fighting.
Leave it in the
box, you little creep.
Let me have that.
Stop pushing me around.
Look...
Now look what you did.
Well, I don't care.
Girl! Girl! Girl!
Here, here, wait a minute.
Boys, what's the matter?
I'm going to clop him,
Dad. He ripped my dress.
- Now, wait a minute.
- What's going on here?
Beaver ripped Wally's dress.
Well, it's just his crummy
costume for the play.
Wally.
Why is your costume a dress?
'Cause he's going to be a girl.
Ahh.
A girl?
Yeah, The Crusaders are all guys
and they got to
play all the parts,
and well, somebody's got
to play the dancehall girl
and they gave it to me
and I'm not going to do it.
Now, wait. Wait a minute, Wally.
Look, didn't you
tell me that last year
some of the fellows
played girls' parts?
Well, yeah, they had a
whole chorus line of them.
Well, there you are then.
The whole thing's just a satire.
You're just supposed to
get up there, horse around,
and have some fun.
I don't know.
Well, of course you will.
Look, we used to
do this sort of thing
at my fraternity in college.
What are the other
fellows going to think of you
if you don't get into
the spirit of the thing?
It's all part of being a
member of The Crusaders.
I don't care. I
don't want to do it.
Oh, come on, Wally.
You slip it on after supper,
and I'll see if I
can't sew it up.
Well, maybe.
That's a boy.
Now then, you two,
no more fighting.
Yes, sir.
Here you are, Wally.
You two get ready for dinner.
Now what are you doing?
I just want to see what kind
of underwear they gave you.
Just cut it out, will you?
Hey, Dad, can't I come in now?
No, Beaver, you
stay out of here.
Yeah, you keep out of here.
Heck, I always got to
miss all the good stuff.
Well, that's not so bad.
Come on, Wally.
Take a few steps.
I want to see how
it hangs in the back.
No, sir. Nothing doing.
Now, Wally.
Huh-uh, I'm quitting
The Crusaders.
I'll quit the school.
I'll quit the whole
town if I have to.
Oh, Wally, why don't you...
Wally, you have to unhook it.
You know, I'd sure
hate to see Wally pull out
of The Crusaders before
he even gets started.
So would I,
but I think I understand
the way he feels
about playing
the dancehall girl.
Well, it's all in
the spirit of fun.
Gee, when I was in college,
I did a sketch where
I put on a grass skirt
and played a hula girl.
Well, Ward, some
people can do that.
Wally just happens to be
a little more like my
side of the family...
More sensitive.
Dear, what do you
think the Cleavers are?
Hard-headed Neanderthals?
No, but...
Well, something like this
can be very embarrassing.
When I was in school,
I had to play the part
of George Washington.
I felt so self-conscious
in those trousers and
silk stockings and wig.
You know, somehow I just
can't picture you at Valley Forge.
Well, it wasn't funny to me.
They even sent for my
mother, and I still wouldn't do it.
Well, Wally just can't
go through his whole life
being sensitive.
Why not?
You want him to be
somebody he isn't?
Oh, of course not, but I... I...
I guess it does all
boil down to the fact
that some fellows can go
along with a joke like this
and others can't.
But I just don't want to
see Wally be a quitter.
I think I'll go up and
talk to him after a little.
Maybe he could switch
parts with someone else.
This is the way it is, Duke...
The Crusaders are
a neat bunch of guys,
but my studies come first
and I shall not be
able to accept the part.
Nah, that's no good.
Look, Duke, let
me level with you.
This playing a
girl is for the birds.
Hey, what are you snooping at?
I'm just watching
you be a quitter.
Aw, don't rub it in, huh, Beav?
I'm not.
If I had to play a girl, I'd
get sick to my stomach.
Yeah.
If I have to get
up on that stage,
that just might be what I'll do.
Well, if you make
him do it, Dad,
he's going to get sick
right up on the stage.
Well, I'm not going to
make you do it, Wally.
But I think there's a way
you can still stay in the club.
But, Gee, Dad, if I
turn down the part,
the Duke will throw me
out of The Crusaders.
Not if you switch parts
with someone else.
But I don't know
anybody goofy enough
that would play a girl.
Well, maybe you don't
have to ask someone directly.
Maybe you can make
the part sound so attractive
that someone will
be begging you for it.
How could you make
playing a girl look good?
Wally, did you
ever hear the story
about the fox and the
bear and the quicksand?
Is that like a cartoon
on television, Dad?
No, it's an old fable, Beaver.
Oh, I think I'll go downstairs
and have Mom help
me with my spelling.
You better stick around.
This is a pretty good story.
What is it, Dad?
Well, one day this fox
fell into a pit of quicksand,
and no matter how
hard he tried to get out,
he just kept sinking
deeper and deeper.
Well, finally a bear came along,
and the big old bear said,
"What are you doing down there?"
And the smart fox said,
"I'm taking a little swim."
Gee, Dad, that's neat.
You talk just like
a bear and a fox.
Thank you, Beaver.
Anyway, the fox kept
telling the bear, you know,
how fine the water was and what
a wonderful swim he was having
till the bear finally
got so excited
he dove right into
the pit of quicksand...
and the fox jumped on
his shoulders and got out.
Gee, Dad, that's
just like a kid's story.
Look, Wally, don't you see?
Right now you're the
fox in the quicksand.
What you have to do
is find yourself a bear.
Yeah, sure, Dad.
It just might work, son.
Hey, Wally, what
happened to the bear?
Did he wait around for
an elephant to come along
and talked him into
going swimming?
Nah, I don't think elephants
mess around much with bears.
Did you talk to Wally
about switching parts?
Yeah, I think he's agreeable.
I told him the story
about the fox and the bear.
Dear, why don't you
tell me stories anymore?
When we were first married,
you always told me stories.
Well, dear, somewhere
along the line
I got the feeling you
weren't listening anymore.
This is the Captain.
Blow both tanks.
Take her down to
200 feet and level off.
Zoom... Hey, Beaver,
what are you doing?
Oh, hi, Wally.
I'm just pretending I'm the
captain of a powered submarine,
and it's going to
the North Pole.
Boy, what a dumb
thing to be doing.
Well, it's better than
going in the house
and getting yelled at.
Why would you get yelled at?
You know how it is.
Hey, did you get out of
being a girl in that play?
Nah.
I kinda hinted around
to Lumpy and Tooey,
but they wouldn't go for it.
Yeah, I guess you gotta
be a pretty smart fox
to make that stuff work.
Yeah.
You gotta find yourself
a pretty dumb bear, too.
Hey, maybe The Crusaders
could take in a real girl
to play the part
of the saloon lady.
Heck, Beaver, you can't
take girls in a club with boys.
They got a rule against
having that much fun.
♪ Please come home ♪
♪ Your lovin'
daddy's all alone ♪
Hi, Eddie.
Well, if it isn't the queen
of that dancehall girls.
What are you laughing at, Eddie?
I was just thinking about you
clumping around the
stage in that dress.
Well, gee, Duke
Hathaway tells me
that that's just about the
biggest part in the whole play.
You mean you got a lot of lines?
Oh, I don't know,
eight or nine pages.
Mary Ellen Rogers said she
might come over and coach me.
She said she might come
over a couple nights a week.
Mary Ellen Rogers, huh?
Yeah.
How many lines do you
have in the play, Eddie?
Well, I say, "Here
comes the sheriff."
Later on I say,
"Somebody stole our horses."
Gee, you know your
part already, Eddie.
You're not gonna need any
coaching from girls or anything.
Well, I guess I like your two lines
as much as if you had a real part.
Um, hey, Beaver,
you wanna throw the
football around after supper?
Yeah, I'd like to throw the
football around after supper.
Okay, then we'll throw the
football around after supper.
- Uh, hey, Wally?
- Yeah?
Do you not really mind
being a girl in the play?
Gee, a guy's gotta
get in the spirit
and horse around with
the other fellas, doesn't he?
Wally, all the guys from
my class are coming.
Will you give them
your autograph?
Sure. Why should I be stuck up?
Wally, tell me something.
How come the Duke
gave you such a good part?
Well, I guess the Duke
wanted to give it to a swinger.
The Duke thinks
you're a swinger?
He gave me the part, didn't he?
Hey, Beav, you wanna
throw the football around now?
Yeah, I'd like to throw
the football around now.
Okay.
Um, will you excuse us, Eddie?
We're gonna throw
the football around now.
Yeah, sure.
Well, I'll see you later, Eddie.
Yeah, see you guys.
Hey, Beav, you
think he fell for it?
I don't know.
Eddie always looks so sneaky.
You can't really tell
what he's thinking about.
Hey, you wanna throw
the football around now?
Heck, no.
Yea... Yes, well,
I don't think so,
but thank you very
much for calling. Bye.
Who was that on the phone?
That was a Mr. O'Rourke.
He says for 7.50 a month,
he'll guarantee us
a bug-free home.
That doesn't sound
very flattering,
implying we have bugs.
You have to look
at it this way, dear.
Our bugs are his
bread and butter.
Wally seemed a little
happier this evening.
Maybe he's finally getting used
the idea of playing a dancehall girl.
You got used to playing
a hula girl, didn't you?
Dear, I wish you'd
forget about that.
I will if you'll forget about my
playing George Washington.
That's a deal.
Here, I'll get it.
Good evening, Mr. Cleaver.
I'm Harold Hathaway.
I wonder if I could see Wally.
Oh, well, I think he's
doing his homework.
Yeah, well, just tell
him the Duke is here.
Oh.
Wally? Wally!
Yeah, Dad.
The uh... The Duke is here.
Be right there, Dad.
Well, Duke,
is Mayfield going to have another
good basketball team next year?
Oh, I don't think
so, Mr. Cleaver.
- I'm graduating.
- Oh.
- Hello, Cleaver.
- Oh, hi, Duke.
I wonder if I might
speak to you alone?
Oh, why don't you
fellas use the den?
Why, thank you, Mr. Cleaver.
- Was that Duke Hathaway?
- Uh-huh.
Wish I'd gone to the door.
I never met a swinger.
Maybe you can catch
him on the way out.
Why did they close the door?
Because they didn't
want us to hear.
Why didn't they want us to hear?
Because we're parents.
Well, that's big of you to
see it that way, Cleaver.
The Crusaders won't
forget what you've done.
Good evening,
Mr. Cleaver, Mrs. Cleaver.
Good evening.
Nice of you to let
me intrude like this.
Oh, it's all right.
Well, good night, Duke.
Good night, ol' boy.
My, he is a swinger, isn't he?
Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Hey, come back here.
- What happened?
- Yes, what did you
and the Duke talk about?
Oh, well, Eddie Haskell went
over to see the Duke this afternoon,
and he whined around,
so Duke came over to ask me
if I'd do The
Crusaders a big favor
by letting Eddie play
the dancehall girl.
You mean you're not
going to be in the play?
Oh, no, I got another part.
That's fine.
Say, If you like, we'll
help you with the lines.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I already know them.
I only have two lines.
All I say is "Here
comes the sheriff."
Then later on I say
"Somebody stole our horses."
Wally, I thought that was
a very enjoyable evening.
Yes, it was just fine.
You Crusaders should be
very proud of yourselves.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Mom.
Wally, that was real
funny when you said
"Somebody stole our horses"
when you were supposed to
say "Here comes the sheriff."
Yeah. Nobody knew it was
supposed to be the other way around.
How about a snack?
Yeah, all that laughing
made my stomach empty.
Come on.
Oh, I thought Eddie
Haskell was just wonderful
as that dancehall girl.
He certainly got a lot
out of the part, didn't he?
That was real funny when he
kept getting up after they shot him.
Yeah.
What's the matter, Wally?
I was just thinking.
Eddie doing that
dancehall girl so well
and everybody applauding
and the girls making
a big fuss over him,
maybe I should've
kept that part.
Well, Wally, I wouldn't want
to see you go overboard on it,
but I don't think it would hurt
if you were a
little bit like Eddie.
Yes, and it certainly
wouldn't hurt Eddie
if he was a little
bit like Wally.
Very true.
Come on, Beaver. What
are you going to have?
I have some ground-up cow.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA