Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 3, Episode 36 - Beaver and Ivanhoe - full transcript

Beaver is happy that Miss Landers is returning to teach class following a two-week illness. The first assignment she issues is for everyone to read another book, she who provides a list of suggestions. Instead of the child-like fare that Miss Landers suggests (such as "Hoppy the Kangaroo"), Ward would rather Beaver read something that Ward himself was interested in reading as a child, and suggests "Ivanhoe". Beaver does become enthralled with the tale of knights and chivalry so much that when he sees a young boy beating up a young girl, he goes to defend her honor. Unfortunately, the young girl, who ends up being the young boy's sister, doesn't defend Beaver when asked why Beaver was beating up her brother, she stating that she and her brother were minding their own business when Beaver started beating him up. Later, learning truly what happened, Miss Landers, despite the fight, praises Beaver in front of the class for his actions. Feeling the hero, Beaver decides to start his own club of knights to defend the honor of those who can't protect themselves. But Beaver faces a problem when some of those against who he must fight are bigger and tougher than him, and when the fight seems to be all in the name of fighting instead of coming to a reasonable outcome.

Starring...

and...

Dear, this is a
lovely breakfast.

Isn't it, Wally?

Oh, yeah, Dad, it's real lovely.

Well, thank you both.

Hey, Dad, could I buy Eddie's
father's rowing machine?

Oh, is his father thinking of
selling his rowing machine?

No, he doesn't know
anything about it,

but Eddie wants to sell it.

Eddie better get his
father's permission.



No, he doesn't mess around
with the rowing machine anymore.

Eddie said he used it once

and had to go to bed for a week.

Well, Wally, it sounds to
me like this is the sort of thing

we should think over.

Oh, sure, Dad.

I'll tell Eddie it's no deal.

Fine.

Hey, isn't Beaver coming
down for breakfast?

Oh, he ate early.

He wanted to be sure
and get to school on time.

Boy, isn't that just
like a kid, Dad?

Yeah, isn't it, Wally?

Beaver's excited



because Miss Landers is
coming back today for the first time.

You know, she's been
out ill for two weeks.

Yeah, and he's really
been worried about her.

Every night in his prayers,

after he says God
bless his goldfish,

he sticks her in there.

Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.

I'm going to meet the
school bus at the corner.

I guess you're pretty excited

about your teacher
coming back today, huh?

Yeah, our whole class
is going to surprise her

and read her a poem.

What's the poem about?

We don't know.

We all gave Judy
Hensler the words,

and she was going to put them
together in a poem last night.

Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.

- Good-bye.
- Have a nice day.

Okay.

Hey, Dad, if Eddie's
pop gives him permission

to sell the rowing
machine, could I buy it?

What in the world would
you do with a rowing machine?

Well, I could
develop my muscles,

and then if I went to a
college that had a crew,

I could go out for it.

What if you went to a college
that didn't have a crew?

I don't know.

I guess I'd be stuck
with all those muscles.

What's this, Judy? Do you
have something to read?

Yes, Miss Landers.

The whole class
gave me the words,

and I put them
together in a poem.

Well, that's fine.

"Welcome back, Miss Landers.

"We're glad to have you here.

"While you were
sick at home in bed,

we all shed many a tear."

"We hoped you would get better

"and we'd see you by and by.

"And we're all
so very, very glad

that you did not die."

That's a very sweet poem,

and thank you all very much.

You're welcome, Miss Landers.

Now, don't you think we
should get down to work?

I do, Miss Landers.

I've been thinking, children,

and I believe we should
all read another book

before the end of the term.

Yes, Whitey?

Do we have to read a
thin book or a fat buck?

You can read whatever
book you want, Whitey,

but I have a list of
suggestions here.

Would you pass the
rest of these out, please?

Yes, Miss Landers.

- Miss Landers?
- Yes, Theodore.

Can we read the book for fun,

or are you going to
ask us questions on it?

I think I'll ask a few questions

just to make sure
you've read it for fun.

Yes, Miss Landers.

"Here Comes Connie,
"Hoppy The Kangaroo,

"Little Claude, and
Penny Bobbins."

Yes, dear, he wants to pick
one of those books to read.

He wondered if you
had any of them in here.

I hardly think so.

Hoppy The Kangaroo

is just not the kind of
book I like to curl up with.

Little Claude, Penny Bobbins.

They sound so cute.

Cute?

What ever happened
to all the real boys' books

I used to read,

you know, Two Years
Before The Mast,

The Last Of The Mohicans,

or Call Of The Wild?

Didn't you used to
read books like that?

I'm afraid not, dear.

Strongest thing
they ever let me read

was Dorothy Vernon
of Haddon Hall.

Well, I think I'll see if I
can't find him something

a little more manly than
Here Comes Connie.

Here we are. There.

The very book... Sir
Walter Scott's Ivanhoe.

Yeah, it's a
neat-looking book, Dad,

but what's an Ivanhoe?

Well, Ivanhoe was a knight...

Like Prince Valiant
in the funnies?

There's a lot of excitement
in the book, Beaver.

You see, these knights fought
to defend their code of honor.

They rode all over
the countryside

avenging wrongs and
protecting the weak.

Yeah, my history teacher says

that in between times
they ate like pigs.

Wally.

Sure they did.

They ate on these
big wooden tables,

and they had their
dogs running around

underneath the tables

so they could wipe
their hands on them.

Boy, can we get a dog to
do something like that, Dad?

Well, people lived
differently then, Beaver,

but it was a time of great
adventure and excitement.

I know you're going
to like Ivanhoe.

I guess so, Dad,

but it sure is a lot fatter
than Hoppy The Kangaroo.

Hey, Wally,

does this guy really
kill a lot of guys?

Sure. Then he gets
in this big tournament

with eight or nine guys

and he goes around
spearing them off their horses

like marshmallows.

And everybody eats like a pig?

Sure. They throw
food all over the place.

Boy, Wally, this sounds like
the neatest book I ever read.

Dear, I wish you'd speak to
Beaver before he goes to school.

He was up again late last night

reading that Ivanhoe.

Well, I don't want
him missing his sleep,

but I'm glad he's
interested in the book.

He certainly is.

You know, yesterday afternoon

he and Whitey were
out in the back yard

dueling with sticks
and garbage pail lids.

That's just what I used to do.

A garbage pail lid
makes a wonderful shield.

Well, when Whitey got home,

his mother called up and wanted
to know what he'd been playing in.

Cut it out, will you, Beaver?

Who do you think you are,
Cornel Wilde or something?

I'm just being Ivanhoe,

and I'm slewing a
whole bunch of bad guys.

Come on, hurry up, fellows.
You don't want to be late.

Sure, Dad.

I was just watching
the Beaver slew guys.

I got lots of time, Dad.

I'm meeting the bus
over on Grant Avenue.

Say, Beaver,

I'm very glad you like Ivanhoe,

but I don't want you staying up
beyond your bedtime reading it.

Oh, sure, Dad.

Thanks for making me read it.

I don't care if I ever read
Hoppy The Kangaroo now.

When you finish with this one,

I can find you another
book about knights.

You know, Dad, this
neat guy, Ivanhoe,

was all the time, well, saving
girls and rescuing ladies.

Of course, Beaver.

That was part of the
code of knighthood,

defending women.

Cowboys do that, too,

the ones with the white hats.

Yes, they do.

You see, Beaver,
protecting womanhood

has always been sort of the...

Well, the manly thing to do.

Yeah, I guess so, Dad.

Well, up until I read Ivanhoe,

I never cared much
what happened to girls.

Hi, dog.

Whose dog are you, dog?

I know whose dog you
are. You're Mr. Miller's dog.

You stop that right
away. Do you hear?

You keep quiet, or
I'm liable to sock you.

Hey, you cut that out, you.

Who asked you?

Don't you got any
respect for women?

What women?

Like that woman you just
pushed down on the ground.

You better not do that again.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Help.

Help! Help! Fight! Fight!

Help! Fight! Fight!

Somebody, help!

Help!

Okay. Okay, fellas, come on.

All right, come on.

Get up here. Now, come on.

All right, break
it up. Break it up.

Now, what's going on here?

This kid... This kid
came along and hit me.

That's right.

We were just standing
here, and this kid came along

and started in on my
brother for no reason at all.

I hit him because he
was beating her up.

He was not.

You're just a dirty old bully.

That's what you are.

All right, that's enough.

Cleaver, you go to
the back of the bus

and sit down and ride there.

Son, you and your sister
ride in front of the bus.

Okay. Let's go, sis.

What's gotten into you, Cleaver?

I don't know, Mr. Crawford,

but I sure wish I had
read Hoppy The Kangaroo.

That's right, Ward.

I sent Beaver up to his room

as soon as he got
home from school.

Miss Landers called,

and it seems he got
in a fight at the bus stop

the first thing this morning.

A fight?

Did he win?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, nothing, I guess.

Just curious.

Miss Landers was very upset.

It seems he just walked up and
started punching this other boy.

Oh, I don't think he'd
do anything like that.

Must've been something that
was building up for a long time.

That other kid's
probably a bully.

No. Beaver never
even saw the boy before.

He's from that new family

that just moved in
over on Grant Avenue,

and it was his first
morning on the bus.

Well, did Beaver
have any explanation?

The only thing I
could get out of him

was something about
defending womanhood.

Oh.

Ward, do you know
something about this?

Well, I... I hope
I'm wrong, dear,

but I'm afraid Sir
Walter Scott and I

gave our son a bum steer.

Hey, Wally,

Dad's been home
for ten whole minutes.

How come he hasn't come up
and started yelling at me yet?

Heck, Beaver, getting
in a fight's a big thing.

First Mom and Dad
are going to talk it over

and decide how they're
going to be mean to you.

Wish they'd hurry up.

Hey, Beaver,

before the bus driver
broke up the fight,

were you winning?

I don't know.

Can never tell till
the fight's over with.

Well, hello, Beaver.

H-Hi, Dad.

Uh, would you like me to go downstairs
and find something to do, Dad?

No. No, Wally, you
can stick around.

Well, Beaver, I understand

you got yourself into a
little scrape this morning.

Yes, sir, but I was just
trying to be an Ivanhoe.

Well, Beaver,

suppose you tell me
just what did happen.

Well, I saw this
kid hitting this girl,

and you said about
defending women,

so I started socking him,

and all of a sudden I'm in
big trouble with Miss Landers.

Yeah, Dad, he thought
the kid was being mean.

He didn't know he was
only hitting his sister.

Well, Beaver, it seems your
heart was in the right place

and your intentions
were certainly correct.

Gee, Dad, if I did
all that good stuff,

how come everybody's mad at me?

Well, Beaver, I guess maybe
they just didn't understand.

I'll tell you what.

I'll call Miss Landers and see if I
can't explain the circumstances to her.

Just a minute, class.

Before I dismiss you for recess,

there's something I want to say

about the incident that
happened on the bus yesterday.

Now you're going to get it.

It seems that Theodore

and the new boy
in the fifth grade

had a disagreement.

I was there, Miss Landers,

and I saw the whole thing.

Beaver had him
down on the ground

and was hitting him

because he's a big bully.

Judy.

I was just trying to help

on account of you been sick.

I think I can handle
this matter myself, Judy.

Now, Beaver saw this
boy hitting his sister,

and when Beaver came along,

well, all he tried to
do was protect her.

It was the other boy
who provoked the fight.

Now, I don't approve of fighting
to solve all of our problems,

but, well, in this case

I think Beaver's actions
were gallant and chivalrous,

and I'm sure that
Ivanhoe and Sir Galahad

would have been
proud of his motives.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Wally.

The deal's off.

What deal?

The deal to buy Eddie's
father's rowing machine.

Oh.

What happened?

Well, Eddie's father told him

that if he caught him selling
one more thing out of that attic,

he's going to kill him dead.

Isn't that nice.

Hey, Mom, did Dad straighten
out the mess with Beaver at school?

Yes, he called Miss Landers.

It seems your brother was
defending a young lady.

Yeah, he told me.

Defending women.

You know something, Mom?

We're going to have to
start watching that kid.

Hi, Beav.

Hi, Wally.

Hey, how come you're doing your
homework in the middle of the day?

Oh, this isn't my homework.

I'm making up a knighthood oath.

Yeah? What for?

Well, because Miss Landers
says I was like Ivanhoe,

so I'm going to make an oath

and have guys
join up as knights.

I might even charge them 10
cents apiece to make them knights.

Hey, what's that
thing up there on top?

Oh, that's my coat of arms.

Boy, what a
crummy-looking coat of arms.

It is not.

I copied it off a
bottle of ginger ale.

You want to hear my oath?

I'm not paying
a dime to hear it.

Oh, that's all right.

"I hereby swear to be
a true and noble night."

Hey, you forgot the K on knight.

Oh, yeah. I get mixed up
with the other kind of knight.

"and to defend
all kinds of women

"and slew dragons

and right wrongs
and help the poor."

Hey, Beav,

if you're going to be
doing all this good stuff,

when are you going to
have time to go to school?

Oh, cut it out, Wally.
This is real serious.

"and be a loyal subject

of my 'soveridge' lord."

Hey, what's that
soveridge stuff in there?

Oh, that's like if
you were a king,

you're a soveridge.

Oh, I think I know
what you mean.

You mean sovereign.

No, I mean soveridge.

There's no such
word as sovereign.

Well, that's not bad.

Hey, where'd you get this oath?

I got some of it out of my head,

and I got some of
it out of Ivanhoe.

You know, that's pretty good,

a kid your age
thinking of going out

and doing all that good stuff.

Yeah, and you know something?

If I get 10 knights in my club,

I'll have a whole dollar.

- Bye, dear.
- Oh, bye.

Oh, by the way, the deal's off.

What deal?

Wally's not going to buy
Eddie's father's rowing machine.

Oh.

If Eddie sells it,

he says his father's
going to kill him dead.

Honey, do you really think
Eddie's father says those things?

Knowing Eddie, yes.

Dear?

Wasn't Beaver's
knighthood oath cute?

Yeah, he's going to organize

his own little round table

and right all the
wrongs in Mayfield.

Wouldn't get a spirit like
that out of Penny Bobbins.

- "And help the poor."
- And help the poor.

"And be a loyal subject
of my soveridge lord."

And be a loyal subject
of my soveridge lord.

All right, Whitey,
you're a knight.

Yeah. Here's my dime.

Boy, that's pretty neat.

Are you guys really
going to do all that stuff?

Sure we are, and we're
going to take care of bad guys

and have tournaments
and everything.

I'll bring my money tomorrow.

It's worth a dime to
be in a real tournament.

You're goofy, Beaver.

That's just a whole
lot of made-up junk.

It is not.

We're going to
do all that stuff,

and I already
defended a womanhood.

Sure you did, Beaver.

Hey, if you guys are knights,

how about taking
care of Clyde Appleby?

Who's he?

He's from the Metzger's
Avenue school.

Yeah. Whenever
we're playing marbles,

he comes along and
steps on the marbles.

Well, I don't even
know Clyde Appleby.

I don't know if I should
do anything like that.

It's just like I thought.

You're nothing but
a chicken knight.

- I am not.
- You are, too.

Well, I am not, and after school
I'll show you who's a chicken knight.

Won't I, Whitey?

You sure will, Beaver.

There's Clyde
Appleby, over there.

He's the one in the middle.

Yeah, I guess we can take
care of him, huh, Whitey?

I don't know. I just joined up.

This time you show
me how it works.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I could.

Hey, are you Clyde Appleby?

Yeah, I'm Clyde Appleby.

Well, I want to talk to you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I want to tell you to
stop stepping on guys' marbles.

I don't know what you mean.

Stepping on guys' marbles.

Oh, you got a marble?

Yeah, right here.

You mean like that?

Yeah.

I don't want you
doing that anymore.

Yeah, you better not

'cause he's a knight
and he'll fix you good.

Yeah.

Oh, go on.

Give it to him!

Come on, Beav.

Sock him, Beav.

- Ha ha.
- Right in the stomach.

Come on!

Anybody home?

Yeah, Dad. We're up here.

Mom's patching up the Beaver.

What happened? Did he fall down?

He did not. He
had another fight.

Yeah, Dad. He was running
around making like Ivanhoe,

and some guy clobbered him.

Another fight?

Beaver, this is
getting ridiculous.

It sure is, Dad.

And Wally says the other
boy was twice as big as Beaver.

Yeah, and he's a real tough guy.

Beaver, what in the
world did you fight him for?

Gee, Dad, I talked so
much about being a knight,

I would've had to fight him
even if he was 8 feet tall.

Ward, I have my dinner cooking.

Don't you think it's about
time you put a stop to this?

Uh, yes, dear.

Aw, you poor little dear.

Beaver, I feel quite a
bit to blame for all this.

It's okay, Dad.

I guess this Ivanhoe stuff
just doesn't work anymore.

Well, Beav, the
virtues are still good,

but the violence isn't.

Y...

Wally, don't you have
something else to do?

No, sir.

Anyway, Beaver,

you see, in those days,
people weren't quite so civilized,

and lots of times they...

Well, they had to
fight to get justice.

Sure, Beav,

the only way to prove
you were a good guy

was to kill people.

Gee, Dad,

you mean now guys shouldn't
go around helping people

and making bad guys be good?

Oh, yes, Beaver,

but they should do it
through the proper authorities,

not by taking the law
into their own hands.

Yeah, Dad, I guess you're right.

And, son, in the future,

just sort of try to remember

that discretion is the
better part of valor.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Wally,

what did Dad mean
by that last thing?

Well, that's just a
fancy way of saying

not to fight with big guys.

What are you doing, dear?

I'm putting Ivanhoe
up here on the top shelf

where he won't cause
any more trouble.

Well, I guess kids have
always tried to put into practice

what they read in books.

Yes, but they don't always have
a father that encourages them.

Well, we were both
pretty proud of him

when he was defending womanhood.

It's just when he tangled
with Clyde Appleby

that the theory collapsed.

I know, dear.

I remember when I
was in boarding school,

I used to sit in
my room for hours

pretending I was some
heroine of a book I read.

Once it was Lorna
Doone, then Little Women,

Becky Sharp.

Did your teachers understand?

No, I don't think so.

All they ever did was
give me cod liver oil.

Hey, Wally?

- What?
- Are you asleep?

If I was asleep, I
wouldn't be talking to you.

I was just thinking.

Outside of getting beat up,

it would have been neat
to live in the olden days

in a great big castle
with a moat around it

and get to wear armor

and get to throw
your food around.

Heck, Beaver,

it wasn't all fun
in the olden days.

They didn't have any
heat in those castles

or running water or anything,

and guys were always getting
conked off by the Black Plague

or getting their
heads chopped off

because they
stole a loaf of bread,

and how would you like it

if you were walking to school

and you met up with
a fire-breathing dragon

face to face?

Yeah, I guess the only way
to have fun in the olden days

is to read about it.

Yeah.

Good night, Wally.

Good night, Ivanhoe.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA