Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 3, Episode 31 - Mother's Day Composition - full transcript
While Miss Landers is off on an extended sick leave, Mrs. Rayburn is teaching Beaver's class. She assigns what she considers a different type of homework: to write a composition on a subject from suggestions by the students. After discarding many suggestions, Mrs. Rayburn chooses a modified version of Larry's suggestion. As it is nearing Mother's Day, each student is to write a 50 word composition not of their mother now, but what she did before she got married. Most students seem to know about their mother's pre-married life, but Beaver doesn't. Beaver does ask June, who tells stories of working as a sales clerk (a job from which she got fired), volunteering for the USO in Mayfield and winning a blue bathing cap in a swim meet, which seems to satisfy Beaver for his composition needs. After some of the other students read their compositions which tell stories of their mothers in roles of authority or in what Beaver considers exciting positions, Beaver secretly crumples up his composition, telling Mrs. Rayburn that he couldn't finish it. She gives him a one day extension. Beaver can't help himself but write some lies - he writes about a woman he sees being interviewed on a television talk show, she being a Broadway actress. What Beaver doesn't realize is actually how scandalous the story is for a suburban housewife like his mother. What will June think if she hears about what Beaver told about her life?
Starring...
and...
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Wally.
- Morning, Wally.
Well, how's track
practice going these days?
Okay, Dad. They cut Eddie
Haskell from the squad yesterday.
Oh? What was the matter?
Well, we were having time trials
and he loosened PeeWee
Logan's starting block.
When the gun went off,
PeeWee fell flat on his face.
I don't think that
was very funny.
Neither did the coach.
He chased Eddie
right off the field.
Seems to me Eddie's always
doing something like that.
Yeah. He says that's the
way Jerry Lewis got started.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Hi, Wally.
- Hi there, Beaver.
- Morning, Beaver.
Uh, Beav.
Dad, can I have 20 cents
for flowers for Miss Landers?
What's the occasion?
She's sick.
Oh, that's too bad. Is
she gonna be out long?
Well, I guess so.
We're spending $4.00.
When she was sick with
the flu, we only spent $2.50.
Here you are, Beaver.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey, Beav, you know who
your substitute's gonna be?
We're not having a substitute.
Mrs. Rayburn the principal's taking
over till Miss Landers gets back.
Boy, you better watch your step
with Mrs. Rayburn teaching you.
Sure. When she just comes
in and says "Good morning,"
you know you can't mess around.
Well, children, I think we've all
had time to finish our maps of Africa.
Mr. Whitney, would
you care to collect them?
Yes, Mrs. Rayburn.
Yes, Judy?
When Miss Landers is here,
I always collect the papers.
Well, why don't you collect
them on this side of the room,
and, Whitey, you collect
them on the other side.
Put mine on the bottom.
You know, children,
I was thinking
instead of our regular
homework assignment,
we might try something
different for tomorrow.
Thank you, Judy.
Thank you, Whitey.
You know, I thought
instead of our usual
assignment of homework,
we could write an
original composition.
I'm gonna leave the
subject up to the class.
Do we have any suggestions?
Yes, Whitey?
How about submarines?
No. I don't think
that's fair to the girls.
Yes, Judy?
Charles Fredericks
is chewing gum.
Thank you, Judy. I was
going to speak to Charles
about that after class.
Yes, Richard?
Can we write about movie stars?
My cousin was in the
Army with Sal Mineo.
Well, I think we better have
some more suggestions.
Yes, Theodore?
Tigers?
No, Theodore. I don't think so.
Yes, Larry?
Well, Mother's Day is soon.
And we could write
about our mothers.
How we love them
and pray for them.
How they fix our lunch and they
wash our dirty clothes and everything.
Well, Larry, that's
a very good idea.
But instead of our writing about
our mothers as they are now,
suppose we write
about our mothers
as they were before
they were married?
I'm sure that you have mothers
with very interesting
backgrounds and careers.
Yes, Judy?
My mother was head buyer
for a big department store.
See there?
She bought for
ladies' ready-to-wear.
Yes, Richard?
My mother was a WAC in the Army.
Well then, children,
it's all settled.
We'll write a
50-word composition
on what our mothers
did before they married.
Yes, Theodore?
Fifty words?
That's right.
Class dismissed.
Larry, will you place
this world globe
back on the shelf, please?
Yes, Mrs. Rayburn.
Hey, Larry,
what did your mother do
before she was married?
She was a dental nurse.
That's how she met my father.
He had cavities.
Oh.
My mother says if my father
didn't have cavities,
I never would have been born.
Maybe she would've married
somebody else who had cavities.
I don't know. She didn't say.
What did your mother do, Beaver?
She never told me.
Maybe she just hung
around and did nothing.
Hi, Wally.
Oh, hi, Beav.
How come you wore your
sweatshirt home from school?
Well, there's a
track meet tomorrow.
I want to get it dirty so
they'll think I'm a star.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Hey, Wally, what was
Mom before she got married?
Well, she was a girl.
Yeah, but what did she do?
Well, I guess she
just waited around
for Dad to come and marry her.
Gee. It's hard to
think of your mother
waiting around for
someone to marry her.
Yeah.
Do you think she ever
did anything exciting
or had any adventures?
I don't know.
If she did, she never
said anything about them.
Yeah. Well, I guess mothers
don't like to talk about
all the great things they did
like fathers do.
Yeah. I'll bet Madame Curie
never went around
telling her kids
what a blast she was.
Dear, Beaver's in the den,
and he'd like to talk to
you about something.
Oh. Well, honey,
I'm doing the dishes.
Couldn't you
find out what it is?
Nope. He insists
on talking to you.
Well, all right. Come on. Here.
You finish these.
Watch out. That water's hot.
June, I've done hundreds of
dishes since we were married.
All right, dear.
Ow!
Did you want to see me, Beaver?
Yeah, Mom. When you were a girl,
what'd you do besides wait around
for Dad to come and marry you?
You been talking to your father?
No. I've been talking to Wally.
I gotta write a composition about
what you did when you were a girl.
Oh. Well, I went
to boarding school
and I spent my summers
with Aunt Martha.
Did you ever have
an exciting job?
Well, one Christmas vacation,
I worked in a department store.
Were you a head buyer?
Hm?
Judy Hensler's mother
was a head buyer
for ready-to-wear.
Oh, no, honey.
I worked in the book department.
I sold red books and green
books and yellow books.
And I'll bet you
sold so many books
that they made you boss
of the whole bookstore.
Well, no, Beaver.
After about five days,
I had my sales slip so
mixed up, they let me go.
Oh.
Did you ever have any
other kind of exciting job?
Well, during the war,
I worked for the USO.
Is that the same as the WACs?
Did you go overseas?
Well no, Beaver. That
was right here in Mayfield.
You see, every Thursday
night, I'd go down
and I'd help them serve
coffee and sandwiches
to the soldiers and the sailors.
Did you ever serve
coffee to a spy?
And you put poison in it and they
gave you a medal for catching him?
Nothing like that, dear.
Gee, Mom. Didn't you
ever do anything exciting
before you stopped being a girl?
Well, once at summer camp,
I won a blue bathing
cap at swimming meet.
That's pretty good, Mom.
Well, I better go
finish my dishes.
Who thought of
writing about mothers?
Larry Mondello.
Well, wasn't that
sweet of Larry?
He's sweet about
a lot of things.
He even gets mad
if you step on bugs.
Well, what'd Beaver want?
Oh, he's writing a
composition about me
before I was married.
I hope I was exciting
enough for him.
Well, dear, you were
exciting enough for me.
You're just saying that because
you want me to finish the dishes.
Yes, I do.
Hey. How'd you
make out with Mom?
Well, pretty good.
She won a blue
bathing cap for swimming
and served coffee to soldiers
and had a job in a
bookstore for five whole days.
Gee, I never knew all that.
She won a cap for swimming, huh?
Boy. Now when
we go to the beach,
you can hardly drag
her near the water.
Yeah. I guess that's
because when you're married,
you don't care about
having fun anymore.
Yeah.
"And then she was promoted
to buyer for the dresses
and got a salary
of $175 a week."
Wow.
"She was going to be made
general manager of the store
when she decided
to get married."
Well, that was very
interesting, Judy.
You have reason to be
very proud of your mother.
All right. Larry.
"'Mother', by Lawrence Mondello.
"My mother was a dental
nurse before she was married.
"She had to go to
school for three years
"to learn how to
be a dental nurse.
"When she passed the
test as a dental nurse,
she got a job as a dental
nurse with a dentist."
Good, Larry. Yes?
I'm proud of my mother, too.
Well, you have reason to be.
She was apparently very much
of a success in her chosen field.
Yes, Larry?
She was a dental nurse.
Yes, we know.
Um, all right, Richard.
"'My Mother'. My mother joined
the WACs during the last war.
"She started out as a Private,
"but after six months,
"she got promoted to a Corporal.
"Then she was sent overseas
"and was promoted to a Captain.
"And she got a medal for
doing more than her duty.
"When the war was
over, the town she lived in
"gave her a dinner
and free suitcases
for serving her country."
Well, Richard, your mother
had a very exciting career.
To be promoted from
a Private to a Captain
was quite an honor.
Very well. Theodore.
I haven't got mine.
Why not, Theodore?
Well, I don't know.
Well, did you forget to
write it, lose it, or what?
Well, something happened to it.
I see.
Well, we won't finish
reading all of them today.
Just make sure you have
it here tomorrow, Theodore.
Yes, ma'am.
Without fail.
Yes, ma'am.
Here you are, dear.
Let's go.
Oh? Let's go where?
We're due at the
Rutherfords' to play bridge.
When they called
up two weeks ago,
you told me to make
the date tonight.
Oh. Well, when I said that,
I was just trying to put
it off as long as possible.
You know, sort of
operating on the theory
that tomorrow never comes.
Well, tomorrow's here, dear,
so come on, put your coat on.
You think the boys'll
be all right here alone?
I think so. Beaver
said he has homework,
and Wally's studying
for a geometry test.
Oh. Maybe we ought to stay home
just in case he needs some help.
Wally doesn't need help.
And dear, tonight
at the Rutherfords',
please don't offer to
check Fred's addition
after he's added
the bridge score.
Why not? It's always the
highlight of the evening for me.
Well, it isn't for me, honey,
so please don't do it.
All right.
When he's adding
up the score tonight,
I'll just sort of
raise my eyebrows.
Come on, Wally.
Look, Beaver, I
got a geometry test.
I can't help you with
your composition.
But gee, Wally, some of the
guys even got heroes for moms.
I can't make my mom
sound like she's nothing.
Well look, then. Why don't
you write it up like a poem?
That always makes
junk sound better.
Heck. Even a poem
wouldn't make getting fired
from a bookstore sound good.
Well, I'm busy, Beaver,
but why don't you go ask Mom?
If she knows you're in trouble,
she'll help you out.
No.
I'd be too ashamed to tell her
I'm not getting
anyplace with her life.
Oh, hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- You guys going out tonight?
Um-hum. We're gonna play
bridge with the Rutherfords.
You fellows have a
lot of homework to do?
Yeah, Dad. Wally's
jamming geometry in his head
and I got to finish
my composition.
How's your composition coming?
Oh, pretty good, Mom.
I got an extra day,
so I'm fixing it up.
That's the way to do it, Beaver.
Well, you fellows
behave yourselves.
Good night, Wally.
'Night, Mom.
Beaver, before you go to
bed, I want you to take a bath.
- Yes, Mom.
- Okay. 'Night.
- 'Night.
- Good night.
Well, Beaver, don't just
sit there and look dumb.
If you're gonna look dumb,
go somewhere else and look dumb.
Okay. I'll go downstairs
and look dumb.
Before you start goofing off,
better take your bath.
Yeah. You'd think with
all my other problems,
at least I wouldn't
have to take a bath.
Laura, it's really a pleasure
to welcome you to my show.
It was nice of you
to ask me, Frank.
You know, Laura,
you've had a colorful
and exciting career.
And I'm sure that
my audience out there
would be very interested
in how you achieved
this tremendous success.
Well, I'll start off
by telling you that
to become a success on Broadway
is a long, hard struggle.
I can well imagine.
It doesn't happen overnight.
I'm sure it doesn't.
For my audience, why don't
you start from the beginning?
Well, I guess the beginning
was when I was 17 years old.
Mm-hmm.
And my parents wanted
me to be a schoolteacher.
A schoolteacher?
But I wanted to go on the stage.
So it ended up with me
running away from home.
Oh, I don't recommend that,
but it did get me started.
Mm-hmm. Understandably so, too.
Now, where did you go first?
Well, naturally, I
went to New York.
And I tried to get a job
as a chorus girl, but...
With all these obstacles,
what did you do?
Well, I was running
out of money.
So I just took dancing jobs
anyplace I could get them.
I don't know what
they call them now,
but they used to
call them dives.
Laura, just how did
you get your break?
I mean, how long was it
before somebody
recognized that you had talent
and your career
really started to go up?
Well...
Well, I think we can
close our arithmetic books.
And then we'll get back
to our compositions.
Let's see. Who was the last
one to read his yesterday?
Richard was the last one,
but Beaver didn't have any.
I have mine today, Mrs. Rayburn.
Very well, Theodore.
We'll start with you.
I had to use more than 50 words
'cause my mother's
such a big success.
Well, that's
perfectly all right.
"'My Famous Mother',
by Theodore Cleaver.
"My famous mother ran away from
home when she was 17 to be a dancer.
"She tried to get a job
dancing as a chorus girl.
"That's a lady who
dances in her bare feet.
"But she couldn't.
"So she got a job
dancing in dives.
Also beer parlor and joints."
Your mother?
Yeah.
Wow.
"One day, a big gangster put
my famous mother in a show,
and she was a big success."
Boy. Gangsters.
Yeah.
"Then the gangster got arrested,
"but my mother didn't.
"She was in five more shows,
"but quit when she
married my father,
who was a tap dancer."
Well, Theodore, that
was very interesting.
Thank you, Mrs. Rayburn.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Beav.
What you doing?
Cooking dinner.
Gee, I thought you
could only cook outside.
I didn't know you
could cook inside.
Sure I can.
I used to cook for my fraternity
brothers when I was in college.
Gee, Dad, that's neat.
If you ever got fired,
you could get a job
working in a diner.
You bet I could, Beaver.
Where's Mom?
Oh, she left a note.
She went over to school to talk
to Mrs. Rayburn about something.
Oh.
You know what it's all about?
No. I don't know
what it's all about.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hello, Wally.
Hey, how come the
kitchen's all messed up?
Wally, the kitchen
is not all messed up.
Your mother's out,
and I'm cooking dinner.
Oh.
Hey, Dad?
I think that's the brush
that Mom usually
cleans bottles with.
Oh.
Well, let's just not say
anything about it, shall we?
Sure. It's okay with me.
Hey, do you want me to put
some more water in the corn?
Wally, did you ever hear that
too many cooks spoil the broth?
Oh. Sure, Dad. I'll get lost.
Hey, Beaver?
Hey, Beaver?
Go away, Wally.
Hey, Beaver, what are
you doing sitting in there?
I'm sitting in here so
nobody can get at me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I wrote a
composition about Mom,
and it was a
whole bunch of lies.
And Mrs. Rayburn
called her down to school.
And as soon as she gets home,
everybody's gonna jump on me.
Well sure, but they'll
find you in there.
I know, but until they do, I
feel kind of safe sitting in here.
Yeah, I know.
When I was a kid, I used
to hide under the bed.
Well, then, did you pretend
you dissolved into nothing,
and when they came to get you,
all they could find was your clothes?
Of course not. What do you
think I was, a kook or something?
Go away, will you, Wally?
"One day, a big gangster put
my famous mother in a show
"and she was a big success.
"Then the gangster got
arrested, but my mother didn't.
"She was in five
more shows, but quit
"when she was
married to my father,
who was a tap dancer."
Don't you dare laugh.
Oh, I'm not laughing, dear.
What did Mrs. Rayburn say?
Well, of course she
knew it was all made up.
Well, that's something
to be thankful for.
Dear, can you imagine
what's going to happen
when the other children go home
and tell their parents
that I was a chorus girl
who danced in beer joints?
Yeah.
I'm afraid this kills your
chances for Mother of the Year.
But, Ward, why would Beaver
make up a thing like this?
Because he loves you.
Loves me?
Sure. And he wants you to be
the most glamorous, exciting
mother in the whole world.
Want some coffee?
No, thanks.
Well, I'm sorry I let him down.
Oh, it's not a question of that.
You know how kids are.
Didn't you once
tell all your friends
at boarding school that your
mother was a movie star?
Well, yes, I did.
But she made me get up
in front of the whole school
and tell them I made it up.
Well, you want to
do that to Beaver?
Well, no, dear.
But we can't let him
get away with making
up things like this.
Of course we can't.
What did Mrs. Rayburn suggest?
Well, she said that
she'd talk to him,
but she thought it
would be better if we did.
Yeah. Well, I guess she...
My gosh, my steaks.
Oh, honey.
Oh, honey, I'll
take care of this.
You go on up, talk to Beaver.
Dad, is Mom mad at me for
making her up a chorus girl?
No. She's not mad at you
because we both
understand why you did it.
Does Mrs. Rayburn understand?
I think she does.
Well, if everybody understands,
how come you're yelling at me?
Beaver, I'm not yelling at you.
Son, we'd all like to have
the most glamorous,
exciting parents in the world.
But we just have to accept things
the way God gives them to us.
I know, Dad.
That's what you told me when
I had that mole on my stomach.
He's not trying
to be funny, Dad.
That's what you told him.
Beaver, there's nothing
wrong with imagining things
and pretending to
yourself and daydreaming.
We all do that.
But it's quite a different thing
when you put them down on paper
and try to pass
them off as the truth.
Yeah, Dad.
I guess it is.
If you live your life
in a dream, Beaver,
someday you're gonna wake up
and find out you've
never had anything real.
You think that over, son.
I'm going down and help
your mother with supper.
Hey, Wally,
you think I oughta
go down and tell Mom
I'm sorry about making
her a chorus girl?
Ah, heck, Beaver. She's a mom.
They know when you're
sorry without even telling them.
Yeah, but I think
I'll tell her anyways.
Gee whiz, Beaver.
You don't have to be afraid
to go to school on Monday.
Guys won't make fun of you.
Gee, Larry, now they know
my composition was all made up.
They knew it on Friday.
We were sort of
talking after class,
and everybody knew your
mother wasn't a dancer.
They did?
Yeah.
But they liked your
composition anyway.
Well, it's like when
you go to the movies.
And you see King
Kong eating people.
Everybody knows
it's all made up,
but even so, it's exciting.
Bam! Bam!
Bam!
Yeah, I guess it
was exciting, all right.
Especially the gangsters.
Yeah, I guess it
was kind of good.
Boy, Beaver.
I wish I'd made up
stuff about my mom.
You do, Larry?
Yeah, 'cause what she
did before she got married
wasn't very exciting.
She was a dental nurse.
Gee, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
and...
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Wally.
- Morning, Wally.
Well, how's track
practice going these days?
Okay, Dad. They cut Eddie
Haskell from the squad yesterday.
Oh? What was the matter?
Well, we were having time trials
and he loosened PeeWee
Logan's starting block.
When the gun went off,
PeeWee fell flat on his face.
I don't think that
was very funny.
Neither did the coach.
He chased Eddie
right off the field.
Seems to me Eddie's always
doing something like that.
Yeah. He says that's the
way Jerry Lewis got started.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Hi, Wally.
- Hi there, Beaver.
- Morning, Beaver.
Uh, Beav.
Dad, can I have 20 cents
for flowers for Miss Landers?
What's the occasion?
She's sick.
Oh, that's too bad. Is
she gonna be out long?
Well, I guess so.
We're spending $4.00.
When she was sick with
the flu, we only spent $2.50.
Here you are, Beaver.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey, Beav, you know who
your substitute's gonna be?
We're not having a substitute.
Mrs. Rayburn the principal's taking
over till Miss Landers gets back.
Boy, you better watch your step
with Mrs. Rayburn teaching you.
Sure. When she just comes
in and says "Good morning,"
you know you can't mess around.
Well, children, I think we've all
had time to finish our maps of Africa.
Mr. Whitney, would
you care to collect them?
Yes, Mrs. Rayburn.
Yes, Judy?
When Miss Landers is here,
I always collect the papers.
Well, why don't you collect
them on this side of the room,
and, Whitey, you collect
them on the other side.
Put mine on the bottom.
You know, children,
I was thinking
instead of our regular
homework assignment,
we might try something
different for tomorrow.
Thank you, Judy.
Thank you, Whitey.
You know, I thought
instead of our usual
assignment of homework,
we could write an
original composition.
I'm gonna leave the
subject up to the class.
Do we have any suggestions?
Yes, Whitey?
How about submarines?
No. I don't think
that's fair to the girls.
Yes, Judy?
Charles Fredericks
is chewing gum.
Thank you, Judy. I was
going to speak to Charles
about that after class.
Yes, Richard?
Can we write about movie stars?
My cousin was in the
Army with Sal Mineo.
Well, I think we better have
some more suggestions.
Yes, Theodore?
Tigers?
No, Theodore. I don't think so.
Yes, Larry?
Well, Mother's Day is soon.
And we could write
about our mothers.
How we love them
and pray for them.
How they fix our lunch and they
wash our dirty clothes and everything.
Well, Larry, that's
a very good idea.
But instead of our writing about
our mothers as they are now,
suppose we write
about our mothers
as they were before
they were married?
I'm sure that you have mothers
with very interesting
backgrounds and careers.
Yes, Judy?
My mother was head buyer
for a big department store.
See there?
She bought for
ladies' ready-to-wear.
Yes, Richard?
My mother was a WAC in the Army.
Well then, children,
it's all settled.
We'll write a
50-word composition
on what our mothers
did before they married.
Yes, Theodore?
Fifty words?
That's right.
Class dismissed.
Larry, will you place
this world globe
back on the shelf, please?
Yes, Mrs. Rayburn.
Hey, Larry,
what did your mother do
before she was married?
She was a dental nurse.
That's how she met my father.
He had cavities.
Oh.
My mother says if my father
didn't have cavities,
I never would have been born.
Maybe she would've married
somebody else who had cavities.
I don't know. She didn't say.
What did your mother do, Beaver?
She never told me.
Maybe she just hung
around and did nothing.
Hi, Wally.
Oh, hi, Beav.
How come you wore your
sweatshirt home from school?
Well, there's a
track meet tomorrow.
I want to get it dirty so
they'll think I'm a star.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Hey, Wally, what was
Mom before she got married?
Well, she was a girl.
Yeah, but what did she do?
Well, I guess she
just waited around
for Dad to come and marry her.
Gee. It's hard to
think of your mother
waiting around for
someone to marry her.
Yeah.
Do you think she ever
did anything exciting
or had any adventures?
I don't know.
If she did, she never
said anything about them.
Yeah. Well, I guess mothers
don't like to talk about
all the great things they did
like fathers do.
Yeah. I'll bet Madame Curie
never went around
telling her kids
what a blast she was.
Dear, Beaver's in the den,
and he'd like to talk to
you about something.
Oh. Well, honey,
I'm doing the dishes.
Couldn't you
find out what it is?
Nope. He insists
on talking to you.
Well, all right. Come on. Here.
You finish these.
Watch out. That water's hot.
June, I've done hundreds of
dishes since we were married.
All right, dear.
Ow!
Did you want to see me, Beaver?
Yeah, Mom. When you were a girl,
what'd you do besides wait around
for Dad to come and marry you?
You been talking to your father?
No. I've been talking to Wally.
I gotta write a composition about
what you did when you were a girl.
Oh. Well, I went
to boarding school
and I spent my summers
with Aunt Martha.
Did you ever have
an exciting job?
Well, one Christmas vacation,
I worked in a department store.
Were you a head buyer?
Hm?
Judy Hensler's mother
was a head buyer
for ready-to-wear.
Oh, no, honey.
I worked in the book department.
I sold red books and green
books and yellow books.
And I'll bet you
sold so many books
that they made you boss
of the whole bookstore.
Well, no, Beaver.
After about five days,
I had my sales slip so
mixed up, they let me go.
Oh.
Did you ever have any
other kind of exciting job?
Well, during the war,
I worked for the USO.
Is that the same as the WACs?
Did you go overseas?
Well no, Beaver. That
was right here in Mayfield.
You see, every Thursday
night, I'd go down
and I'd help them serve
coffee and sandwiches
to the soldiers and the sailors.
Did you ever serve
coffee to a spy?
And you put poison in it and they
gave you a medal for catching him?
Nothing like that, dear.
Gee, Mom. Didn't you
ever do anything exciting
before you stopped being a girl?
Well, once at summer camp,
I won a blue bathing
cap at swimming meet.
That's pretty good, Mom.
Well, I better go
finish my dishes.
Who thought of
writing about mothers?
Larry Mondello.
Well, wasn't that
sweet of Larry?
He's sweet about
a lot of things.
He even gets mad
if you step on bugs.
Well, what'd Beaver want?
Oh, he's writing a
composition about me
before I was married.
I hope I was exciting
enough for him.
Well, dear, you were
exciting enough for me.
You're just saying that because
you want me to finish the dishes.
Yes, I do.
Hey. How'd you
make out with Mom?
Well, pretty good.
She won a blue
bathing cap for swimming
and served coffee to soldiers
and had a job in a
bookstore for five whole days.
Gee, I never knew all that.
She won a cap for swimming, huh?
Boy. Now when
we go to the beach,
you can hardly drag
her near the water.
Yeah. I guess that's
because when you're married,
you don't care about
having fun anymore.
Yeah.
"And then she was promoted
to buyer for the dresses
and got a salary
of $175 a week."
Wow.
"She was going to be made
general manager of the store
when she decided
to get married."
Well, that was very
interesting, Judy.
You have reason to be
very proud of your mother.
All right. Larry.
"'Mother', by Lawrence Mondello.
"My mother was a dental
nurse before she was married.
"She had to go to
school for three years
"to learn how to
be a dental nurse.
"When she passed the
test as a dental nurse,
she got a job as a dental
nurse with a dentist."
Good, Larry. Yes?
I'm proud of my mother, too.
Well, you have reason to be.
She was apparently very much
of a success in her chosen field.
Yes, Larry?
She was a dental nurse.
Yes, we know.
Um, all right, Richard.
"'My Mother'. My mother joined
the WACs during the last war.
"She started out as a Private,
"but after six months,
"she got promoted to a Corporal.
"Then she was sent overseas
"and was promoted to a Captain.
"And she got a medal for
doing more than her duty.
"When the war was
over, the town she lived in
"gave her a dinner
and free suitcases
for serving her country."
Well, Richard, your mother
had a very exciting career.
To be promoted from
a Private to a Captain
was quite an honor.
Very well. Theodore.
I haven't got mine.
Why not, Theodore?
Well, I don't know.
Well, did you forget to
write it, lose it, or what?
Well, something happened to it.
I see.
Well, we won't finish
reading all of them today.
Just make sure you have
it here tomorrow, Theodore.
Yes, ma'am.
Without fail.
Yes, ma'am.
Here you are, dear.
Let's go.
Oh? Let's go where?
We're due at the
Rutherfords' to play bridge.
When they called
up two weeks ago,
you told me to make
the date tonight.
Oh. Well, when I said that,
I was just trying to put
it off as long as possible.
You know, sort of
operating on the theory
that tomorrow never comes.
Well, tomorrow's here, dear,
so come on, put your coat on.
You think the boys'll
be all right here alone?
I think so. Beaver
said he has homework,
and Wally's studying
for a geometry test.
Oh. Maybe we ought to stay home
just in case he needs some help.
Wally doesn't need help.
And dear, tonight
at the Rutherfords',
please don't offer to
check Fred's addition
after he's added
the bridge score.
Why not? It's always the
highlight of the evening for me.
Well, it isn't for me, honey,
so please don't do it.
All right.
When he's adding
up the score tonight,
I'll just sort of
raise my eyebrows.
Come on, Wally.
Look, Beaver, I
got a geometry test.
I can't help you with
your composition.
But gee, Wally, some of the
guys even got heroes for moms.
I can't make my mom
sound like she's nothing.
Well look, then. Why don't
you write it up like a poem?
That always makes
junk sound better.
Heck. Even a poem
wouldn't make getting fired
from a bookstore sound good.
Well, I'm busy, Beaver,
but why don't you go ask Mom?
If she knows you're in trouble,
she'll help you out.
No.
I'd be too ashamed to tell her
I'm not getting
anyplace with her life.
Oh, hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- You guys going out tonight?
Um-hum. We're gonna play
bridge with the Rutherfords.
You fellows have a
lot of homework to do?
Yeah, Dad. Wally's
jamming geometry in his head
and I got to finish
my composition.
How's your composition coming?
Oh, pretty good, Mom.
I got an extra day,
so I'm fixing it up.
That's the way to do it, Beaver.
Well, you fellows
behave yourselves.
Good night, Wally.
'Night, Mom.
Beaver, before you go to
bed, I want you to take a bath.
- Yes, Mom.
- Okay. 'Night.
- 'Night.
- Good night.
Well, Beaver, don't just
sit there and look dumb.
If you're gonna look dumb,
go somewhere else and look dumb.
Okay. I'll go downstairs
and look dumb.
Before you start goofing off,
better take your bath.
Yeah. You'd think with
all my other problems,
at least I wouldn't
have to take a bath.
Laura, it's really a pleasure
to welcome you to my show.
It was nice of you
to ask me, Frank.
You know, Laura,
you've had a colorful
and exciting career.
And I'm sure that
my audience out there
would be very interested
in how you achieved
this tremendous success.
Well, I'll start off
by telling you that
to become a success on Broadway
is a long, hard struggle.
I can well imagine.
It doesn't happen overnight.
I'm sure it doesn't.
For my audience, why don't
you start from the beginning?
Well, I guess the beginning
was when I was 17 years old.
Mm-hmm.
And my parents wanted
me to be a schoolteacher.
A schoolteacher?
But I wanted to go on the stage.
So it ended up with me
running away from home.
Oh, I don't recommend that,
but it did get me started.
Mm-hmm. Understandably so, too.
Now, where did you go first?
Well, naturally, I
went to New York.
And I tried to get a job
as a chorus girl, but...
With all these obstacles,
what did you do?
Well, I was running
out of money.
So I just took dancing jobs
anyplace I could get them.
I don't know what
they call them now,
but they used to
call them dives.
Laura, just how did
you get your break?
I mean, how long was it
before somebody
recognized that you had talent
and your career
really started to go up?
Well...
Well, I think we can
close our arithmetic books.
And then we'll get back
to our compositions.
Let's see. Who was the last
one to read his yesterday?
Richard was the last one,
but Beaver didn't have any.
I have mine today, Mrs. Rayburn.
Very well, Theodore.
We'll start with you.
I had to use more than 50 words
'cause my mother's
such a big success.
Well, that's
perfectly all right.
"'My Famous Mother',
by Theodore Cleaver.
"My famous mother ran away from
home when she was 17 to be a dancer.
"She tried to get a job
dancing as a chorus girl.
"That's a lady who
dances in her bare feet.
"But she couldn't.
"So she got a job
dancing in dives.
Also beer parlor and joints."
Your mother?
Yeah.
Wow.
"One day, a big gangster put
my famous mother in a show,
and she was a big success."
Boy. Gangsters.
Yeah.
"Then the gangster got arrested,
"but my mother didn't.
"She was in five more shows,
"but quit when she
married my father,
who was a tap dancer."
Well, Theodore, that
was very interesting.
Thank you, Mrs. Rayburn.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Beav.
What you doing?
Cooking dinner.
Gee, I thought you
could only cook outside.
I didn't know you
could cook inside.
Sure I can.
I used to cook for my fraternity
brothers when I was in college.
Gee, Dad, that's neat.
If you ever got fired,
you could get a job
working in a diner.
You bet I could, Beaver.
Where's Mom?
Oh, she left a note.
She went over to school to talk
to Mrs. Rayburn about something.
Oh.
You know what it's all about?
No. I don't know
what it's all about.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hello, Wally.
Hey, how come the
kitchen's all messed up?
Wally, the kitchen
is not all messed up.
Your mother's out,
and I'm cooking dinner.
Oh.
Hey, Dad?
I think that's the brush
that Mom usually
cleans bottles with.
Oh.
Well, let's just not say
anything about it, shall we?
Sure. It's okay with me.
Hey, do you want me to put
some more water in the corn?
Wally, did you ever hear that
too many cooks spoil the broth?
Oh. Sure, Dad. I'll get lost.
Hey, Beaver?
Hey, Beaver?
Go away, Wally.
Hey, Beaver, what are
you doing sitting in there?
I'm sitting in here so
nobody can get at me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I wrote a
composition about Mom,
and it was a
whole bunch of lies.
And Mrs. Rayburn
called her down to school.
And as soon as she gets home,
everybody's gonna jump on me.
Well sure, but they'll
find you in there.
I know, but until they do, I
feel kind of safe sitting in here.
Yeah, I know.
When I was a kid, I used
to hide under the bed.
Well, then, did you pretend
you dissolved into nothing,
and when they came to get you,
all they could find was your clothes?
Of course not. What do you
think I was, a kook or something?
Go away, will you, Wally?
"One day, a big gangster put
my famous mother in a show
"and she was a big success.
"Then the gangster got
arrested, but my mother didn't.
"She was in five
more shows, but quit
"when she was
married to my father,
who was a tap dancer."
Don't you dare laugh.
Oh, I'm not laughing, dear.
What did Mrs. Rayburn say?
Well, of course she
knew it was all made up.
Well, that's something
to be thankful for.
Dear, can you imagine
what's going to happen
when the other children go home
and tell their parents
that I was a chorus girl
who danced in beer joints?
Yeah.
I'm afraid this kills your
chances for Mother of the Year.
But, Ward, why would Beaver
make up a thing like this?
Because he loves you.
Loves me?
Sure. And he wants you to be
the most glamorous, exciting
mother in the whole world.
Want some coffee?
No, thanks.
Well, I'm sorry I let him down.
Oh, it's not a question of that.
You know how kids are.
Didn't you once
tell all your friends
at boarding school that your
mother was a movie star?
Well, yes, I did.
But she made me get up
in front of the whole school
and tell them I made it up.
Well, you want to
do that to Beaver?
Well, no, dear.
But we can't let him
get away with making
up things like this.
Of course we can't.
What did Mrs. Rayburn suggest?
Well, she said that
she'd talk to him,
but she thought it
would be better if we did.
Yeah. Well, I guess she...
My gosh, my steaks.
Oh, honey.
Oh, honey, I'll
take care of this.
You go on up, talk to Beaver.
Dad, is Mom mad at me for
making her up a chorus girl?
No. She's not mad at you
because we both
understand why you did it.
Does Mrs. Rayburn understand?
I think she does.
Well, if everybody understands,
how come you're yelling at me?
Beaver, I'm not yelling at you.
Son, we'd all like to have
the most glamorous,
exciting parents in the world.
But we just have to accept things
the way God gives them to us.
I know, Dad.
That's what you told me when
I had that mole on my stomach.
He's not trying
to be funny, Dad.
That's what you told him.
Beaver, there's nothing
wrong with imagining things
and pretending to
yourself and daydreaming.
We all do that.
But it's quite a different thing
when you put them down on paper
and try to pass
them off as the truth.
Yeah, Dad.
I guess it is.
If you live your life
in a dream, Beaver,
someday you're gonna wake up
and find out you've
never had anything real.
You think that over, son.
I'm going down and help
your mother with supper.
Hey, Wally,
you think I oughta
go down and tell Mom
I'm sorry about making
her a chorus girl?
Ah, heck, Beaver. She's a mom.
They know when you're
sorry without even telling them.
Yeah, but I think
I'll tell her anyways.
Gee whiz, Beaver.
You don't have to be afraid
to go to school on Monday.
Guys won't make fun of you.
Gee, Larry, now they know
my composition was all made up.
They knew it on Friday.
We were sort of
talking after class,
and everybody knew your
mother wasn't a dancer.
They did?
Yeah.
But they liked your
composition anyway.
Well, it's like when
you go to the movies.
And you see King
Kong eating people.
Everybody knows
it's all made up,
but even so, it's exciting.
Bam! Bam!
Bam!
Yeah, I guess it
was exciting, all right.
Especially the gangsters.
Yeah, I guess it
was kind of good.
Boy, Beaver.
I wish I'd made up
stuff about my mom.
You do, Larry?
Yeah, 'cause what she
did before she got married
wasn't very exciting.
She was a dental nurse.
Gee, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA