Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 3, Episode 18 - Beaver's Library Book - full transcript

Eddie Haskell convinces Beaver that the "library police" will soon come to arrest Ward after Beaver ignores the late notices for a lost library book he checked out with his father's library card.

Starring...

and...

- Well, the head of
the house is home.
- Yeah, Mom. Here I am.

I, uh, picked him
up on the way home.

Yeah. I was walking
home by myself,

and there were no guys around

who would see me
riding with my father,

so I let him ride me home.

Well, uh, you
know how it is, Dad.

Oh, sure.

- But thanks anyway.
- It's all right.



Why wouldn't a boy want to ride
home with his own father, dear?

Oh, I don't think he has anything
against fathers in general, dear.

It's just his status as a
teenager he's worried about.

Ward, whatever happened to
those boys who used to boast

that their father could
lick anybody on the block?

Oh, the psychologists
did away with them

a long time ago, honey.

Any kid today who has a good
word to say about his father

is a non-conformist.

Well, Beaver's in the den
waiting for your fatherly advice.

Bad report card?

No. He just wants you
to help him find a book.

- To read?
- To read.

Well, it'd be a pleasure.



What are we having?

- Old-fashioned pot roast.
- Mmm!

That's what it said on
the frozen food package...

Old-fashioned pot roast.

Ibbity-bibbity-sibbidy-sab.

Ibbity-bibbity-canal boat.

My teacher told me
to read this book.

Well, Beaver, I see you
already found yourself a book.

Yeah, Dad. Our teacher said
we could read any book we liked.

Oh.

The Conquest of Mexico,
by William H. Prescott.

You like this book?

Yeah, Dad, on account of
it's got a neat green cover.

Well, I'm afraid this is hardly
fourth-grade reading material.

I'll tell you a good book
for you... Treasure Island.

Okay. Give me it.

Well, I used to have a copy,

but I haven't seen
it since we moved.

Tell you what. On your way
home from school tomorrow,

you can stop by the public
library and pick up a copy.

- Okay, Dad.
- Here, you can use my card.

- And don't lose it.
- Oh, no, sir.

Well, in the past two months,

you've lost a jacket
and a baseball glove.

Just remember that.

Yes, sir. I'll remember that.

Is this like a credit card, Dad?

Yeah, you could call it
kind of a literary credit card.

Hey, Dad, could I
borrow the dictionary?

- I want to look up
how to spell a word.
- What's the word?

Archipelago.

Well, that's A-R-C-H...

Better look it up yourself.

You'll remember
it better that way.

Sure, Dad.

Well, I'm going to the
public library tomorrow

and get a book to
read... Treasure Island.

Oh, yeah.

I read that book once.

It's, uh... It's about a kid

who sails away on a pirate
ship and finds a buried treasure.

Boy. A kid did all that?

Why couldn't I do neat
stuff like that today?

Well, it wouldn't do
you any good, Beaver.

When you got back, they'd
make you repeat the fourth grade.

"Ward Cleaver Junior."

Gee, Dad, does
anybody call you Junior?

No. Not for years.

That's good

'cause I wouldn't want a
father with a name like a kid.

Boy, Beaver!

What a big mess of books!

Yeah, Larry. Do you think
anybody ever read them all?

Well, sure.

They got guys who do
nothing but read books.

How come?

To see if they'll make
good movies or not.

What about monster movies?

Well, I think they make them up.

My father says
when he was a kid,

he used to read
four books a week.

Yeah. My father's
always telling me

about the good
junk he used to do,

like getting 90s in
school and all that junk.

Didn't fathers ever do anything
bad when they were kids?

If they did, they keep it quiet.

Hey, Larry.

Here's Treasure Island.

Hey, look, Beav. They
got colored pictures in it.

Hey, and look at that guy.

He's got one leg, and
he's carrying a sword

and a parrot on his shoulder.

Ooh! I'd hate to meet
him on a dark night.

Yeah,

but it wouldn't be too
scary just reading about him.

And you can read the
scary parts in the daytime.

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna take it out.

Are you taking out
any books, Larry?

Well, I'm reading one
we've got at home...

The Call of the Wild.

Is that about pirates?

No. It's about this dog

telling about his
adventures up in Alaska.

How could a dog write a book?

Maybe the dog
told it to some guy,

and the guy wrote it down.

Yeah, I guess so.

This is a one-week book, so
be sure you have it back on time.

The fine is 5 cents a day.

Is that for kids, too?

Yes, for everybody.

- Then I'll read it quick.
- I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, I'm not reading
it for fun, lady.

I'm reading it
for a book report.

Young man...

Thank you.

Ward, talk to me.

Mm-hmm.

Well, there's a start.
Now say something else.

Uh, what do you want
me to talk about, dear?

Tell me what happened
at the office today.

Uh, nothing.

Something must've happened.

Uh... Well, one
of the office jokers

put pencil shavings in Fred
Rutherford's instant coffee jar.

Ward, that's terrible.
What did Fred do?

Nothing. He never noticed.

Oh.

Say, the boys are very
quiet tonight, aren't they?

Well, Wally's doing
his homework,

and the Beaver's doing that
book report on Treasure Island.

Ward, do you know he read
that book in about four days?

Hmm.

When I was his age, I read
three and four books a week.

Sure.

You and Abe Lincoln.

Hey, Wally, will you
listen to my book report?

Well, okay.

But don't ask me
how to spell anything.

"Treasure Island, by
Robert Louis Stevenson.

"by Theodore Cleaver.

"It is about a boy. He
lives with his mother,

"and he finds a map.

"Then he goes to an island.

"But before, he sits
in a barrel of apples.

And then he comes home and
is nice to his mother. The end."

Boy, that's a pretty
crummy book report.

You didn't tell half the
stuff that happened.

Well, after I read 30
pages, I lost the book.

You lost a library book?

Where?

I think I lost it
someplace at school.

Larry and I are looking for it.

Boy, you'd better find it.

They'll throw a big fine on you.

Don't worry. I'll
get it back in time.

You'd better.

Hey, Beav, if you lost it
after you read 30 pages,

how did you know that the kid came
home and was nice to his mother?

Well, I figured he did

'cause kids in the
old-fashioned books

were always nice
to their mothers.

Hey, Wally, did you ever
have a book overdue?

Yeah, once. It cost me 20 cents,

and Dad yelled at me, too.

How come they can charge you
for keeping the book overdue?

Well, because the
library's owned by the city.

The city can do
anything they want to.

How come?

Well, because the city's
got to maintain law and order.

They can't do that without
kicking people around.

"Please return this book,
as your accumulated fine

amounts to 25 cents."

Ten days, 50 cents.

15 days, 75 cents.

20 days, one buck.

Hey, Wally.

You find that sweater?

Hey, that's my brother's drawer.

I know, I know. Hey,
look what I found.

That little squirt's
in big trouble.

He owes a whole
buck on a library book.

Gee, I guess this must
be the book he lost.

How do you like that
kid? Ducking these cards.

If I hadn't been going
through his drawer,

I'd have never found
out what a sneak he is.

Boy, if Dad ever
found out about this,

he'd really bawl out the Beaver.

Yeah. You might be
lucky enough to be around

when he gave it to him.

Cut it out, Eddie.

I don't want to see
him getting in trouble.

The trouble, with you, Wally,

is you've got no sense of humor.

♪ C'est si bon ♪

Hey, Beav,

you sure your mom
will let me stay for lunch?

Yeah, if I ask
her in front of you.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, Wally.
- Hi, Wally.

- Hi, Eddie.
- Where you been, Larry?

Out frightening babies?

Hey, Beav, you'd better do
something about those library notices.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna.

You'd better hurry up and gonna.

Come on, Wally. We've
got to meet the guys.

Okay, I'll be with
you in a minute.

I'm gonna go tell
my mom we're going.

Hey, squirt.

You're really in a
mess this time, huh, kid?

Well, I'm not in a mess
as soon as I find the book.

Sure, you are. You owe
the library a buck, don't you?

- You know what'll
happen next?
- What?

They'll send a guy around,
a library cop in a uniform.

And you know what he's gonna do

if you don't have that book?

Throw you right in jail.

Well, they can't
do that to Beaver.

It wasn't even his library card.

That's right, Eddie.
It was my father's.

Oh. Then you got
nothing to worry about.

They'll just toss your
old man in the clink.

Hey, what have you been
telling the Beaver, Eddie?

Nothing. I was just telling him

what a good-looking
kid he's getting to be.

♪ C'est si bon ♪

Boy, Larry.

I'm in an awful mess, aren't I?

Yeah.

But you know something, Beaver?

You'll be the only kid in our
class whose father ever went to jail.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Beaver.

- What are you doing?
- I have a chicken in the oven,

and I'm waiting for the
buzzer to ring so I can baste it.

You got to sit here and wait?

If I was upstairs
and the bell rang,

I'd have to run all the
way down here again.

Boy, if I was a mother,

I wouldn't let a dead
chicken push me around.

Do you want something?
Glass of milk or something?

No thank you, Mom.

There.

Mom?

Did a man come around
looking for Dad today?

Why, no.

Usually if people are
looking for your father,

they'd go to his office.

Oh.

Mom, what would you do someday

if Dad didn't come home
when he was supposed to?

Oh, I'd just keep
his supper warm.

Supposing he didn't come home

for a couple weeks or something?

Well, that would
be very upsetting.

We love your father,

and he's very
important to us all.

Well, I guess we couldn't
do without him, huh, Mom?

Not for very long.

You sure there wasn't a
man looking for Dad today?

Of course not.

Beaver, why are you
asking all these questions?

Well, I don't know.

You were all alone,

except for waiting for
the chicken to buzz,

so I thought I'd talk to you.

I'm gonna go
over to Larry's now.

Well, close the
door, will you, Eddie?

Okay.

Wally Cleaver, how
many times have I told you

not to slam that front door?

I don't think he did it
intentionally, Mrs. Cleaver.

Come on, Wally. We'd better
go upstairs and start our studying

if we want to get
it done properly.

We've got a lot to do, Mom.

Could you tell the
Beaver not to bother us?

The Beaver isn't home.
He went over to Larry's.

What are you boys studying?

Geometry. I'm
buckling down this year.

I'd like to bring myself up from a
B-minus to a straight B-plus student.

Oh.

Excuse me. My chicken.

Hey, Eddie, what
are you handing out?

Your best geometry mark was a D.

All right, all right.

You want your mother to think

you've got a creep
for a best friend?

♪ C'est si bon ♪

- May I help you?
- Yes, ma'am.

I'd like to see Mr. Haydn.

Well, this is the Haydn
Memorial Library,

but Mr. Haydn passed
on a good many years ago.

Oh.

Well, then, could
I see Mrs. Haydn?

I'm afraid the whole
family's deceased.

Well, gee, you got anybody
around here that's not dead?

We need somebody
that's in charge.

Well, Mr. Davenport is our
head librarian. Is it important?

Yes, ma'am. It's very important.

Well, that's his office.

Hey, Beaver, you want
I should go in with you?

No, I'll go in alone, Larry.
Will you wait for me?

Sure. I'll wait for you forever.

Except till a quarter to 6,
and then I got to get home,

or I'll get hollered at.

Okay, Larry.

Come in.

Hello.

I'm Theodore Cleaver. The
lady said I could come in here.

I see. Is there some school
project I can help you with?

- Uh-uh.
- Then what can I do for you?

I'd like to ask you not
to put my father in jail.

Not put your father in jail?

Yes, sir. He's got
to make the money,

my mother's got to
stay home and cook,

and my brother Wally's on a
basketball team, and they need him.

So I'm the only one
left that can go to jail.

Well, I think
you'd better tell me

what this is all about.

Well, I took out a
book, Treasure Island,

on my father's library
card, and I lost it.

And you're gonna send a
man around to put him in jail.

- When did you take
this book out?
- Over a dollar's worth ago.

Well, we must have
sent out notices.

- Did you disregard them?
- No, sir. I stuck 'em
in my dresser drawer.

Well, losing a book is serious,

and if you'd have kept
on ignoring our notices,

naturally we would have
sent our investigator around.

But do you really think that
we would put your father in jail?

Well, a guy told me you would.

Well, I guess guys tell us
a lot of things, don't they?

Yes, sir.

Especially this guy.

You sure you're not
gonna put my father in jail?

No.

When you lost this book,

why didn't you go to
your father right away?

I was scared to
'cause it was his card

and he told me to be careful.

Well, that book
has to be replaced,

and I think the best thing

is to tell your father
exactly what happened.

Yes, sir.

I think it is, too.

Now you're convinced that I'm not going
to send your father to jail, aren't you?

Yes, sir. But...

But how come I
believed it before?

Because, Theodore, when
we do something wrong

our conscience bothers us
and we become frightened

and are apt to believe
all sorts of rumors.

Thank you, Mister.

This place isn't as scary on the
inside as it looks from the outside.

Well, I'd better go now,

because I don't want my friend

to get home late
and get hollered at.

All right. You run along.

Hey, Beaver, what
did he do to you?

Nothing, Larry. I've
got to get the book back,

and he said to talk the whole
thing over with my father.

Boy! You know something, Beaver?

I'd rather go to jail than
talk stuff over with my father.

What are you doing in here?

I'm waiting for Beaver to come
down and tell me he lost a library book

and owes a dollar fine on it.

How do you know all that?

Mr. Davenport from the library
called me at the office today.

It's that book he took out a
few weeks ago on my card.

Well, why didn't you ask
him for your card back

and see that he
returned the book?

I guess I just forgot
I loaned it to him.

Mm-hmm.

Hope you remember that
when you're scolding him.

I'll try.

I am truly sorry, Dad.

I lost a library book on
your card and made a fine.

You can take it out of
my generous allowance.

Do anything you want to me,

and I won't make a
fuss and upset Mom.

How's that sound, Wally?

Well, the words are okay,

but it doesn't
sound spontaneous.

What's spontaneous?

Well, um... Well, um,

it's like when a bunch
of rags catch on fire

in a closet by themselves.

What's that got to do with
me losing a library book?

Look, Beaver, you
go down and tell them

before you chicken out.

Well, okay,

but I think I'll put
my pajamas on first.

What do you want to do that for?

I don't know.

A guy feels safer
with his pajamas on.

Now, don't be dumb. Go
down and get it over with.

You know, Wally?
That Eddie Haskell...

You've got a no-good friend.

What are you telling
me? Something new?

Hi, Mom.

Where's Dad?

In the den.

You think I could talk to him?

Certainly you can, Beaver.

You can talk to
your father anytime.

Oh.

Well, then, I guess I'll
talk to him tomorrow.

Beaver, you go in there
now and talk to him.

Yes, Mom.

Come on in, Beaver.

- Hello, Dad.
- Hi.

I am truly sorry, Dad.

I lost a library book on
your card and made a fine.

You can take it out of
my generous allowance.

Well, uh,

I know a little about
this already, Beaver.

- Oh?
- Mr. Davenport called me today.

Oh.

But, Beaver, why didn't you tell
me when you first lost the book?

Well, 'cause kept hoping
I was gonna find it again.

Beaver, you can't go
through life doing things wrong

and just hoping they're
gonna turn out right.

But, gee, Dad, losing
the book was accidental.

Was hiding those
overdue notices accidental?

No, sir.

But, well, I
couldn't pay the fine

until I found the book.

So I hid the notices,

hoping I was
gonna find the book,

and then I'd pay the fine
and nobody'd know nothing.

Nobody would know anything.

Nobody'd know anything.

It doesn't matter, 'cause
it didn't work out anyway.

Of course it didn't. Things
like that never work, Beaver.

Look, son. In the first place,

it's always wrong to tell a lie.

And in the second place,

you just build up more trouble
for yourself by not facing the truth.

I wouldn't mind facing the truth

if so much hollering
didn't go with it.

Well, Beaver,

I guess I felt pretty much the
same way when I was your age.

But after a while I
learned that it really is

a lot better to tell the truth.

How come, Dad?

Well, that way,

you don't always have
to cover up for yourself.

You see, Beav, you tell one lie,

and you always have to
tell another to cover it up.

And then that leads to another

and then another, and
first thing you know,

you've told so many lies
you can't keep track of them.

Yeah.

I don't think I'm smart enough
to do all that stuff anyway.

Well, that's fine, Beaver.

I just hope you never
think you are smart enough,

because nobody is.

Hey, Wally, what are you doing?

Well, the coach said they're
taking pictures of the team

for the school
newspaper tomorrow.

I'm practicing looking
like Bob Cousy.

Who's he?

It doesn't matter. I don't
look like him anyway.

Where have you been all day?

On the way home from school,

I stopped off at the library
and returned Treasure Island.

- I thought you lost that book.
- So did I.

But they made a
new rule at school...

No food in the lockers.

And when Larry
cleaned out his junk,

there was Treasure Island.

It smelled kind of like
a bologna sandwich,

but the lady took
it back anyway.

Gee, Beav, you must've
owed over a dollar fine on it.

What did you pay it with?

I used those two silver
dollars Uncle Billy gave me

for looking like his
side of the family.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA