Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 3, Episode 17 - Wally's Test - full transcript

Starring...

and...

Hey, Beaver, what are you doing?

I'm death-raying guys from Mars.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Look, will you
stop killing people

and clean the rug before they
come up here and start yelling at us?

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna put on the thing for
going around the corners anyway.

Hey, Wally, what are
you gonna do today?

Me and Eddie and
Lumpy are going over



to Mary Ellen Rogers' house
and play records and eat junk.

Well, did Mary Ellen invite you?

Of course not.

We wouldn't go over
there if she invited us.

Well, how you fellas
coming up here?

We got the room
all neated up, Dad.

And it looks very nice.

Did you clean under
the bed, Beaver?

Nuh-uh, Mom.

I didn't want to get the
vacuum cleaner all full of dirt.

Well, I'll go over
the room again later.

Hey, you left this
on the floor, Wally.

Yeah, Dad. I know.
I'm wearing it later.

You, uh... You're planning
on going out this morning?



Yeah, Dad. He and the guys are
going over to Mary Ellen Rogers' house

on account of
they weren't invited.

That's fine, but, uh,

don't you have a midterm
history test on Monday?

- Yeah?
- And, uh, isn't history
your weakest subject?

- Yeah.
- And which is more important...

Seeing Mary Ellen Rogers
or passing that history test?

Well, you know how it is, Dad.

Yeah, I certainly do. I
know how it's gonna be, too.

You're gonna stay home
today and study for that test.

Your father's right, Wally.

You don't want one weak
subject pulling down your average.

Aw, but, gee, who wants to spend

a whole Saturday
in a messy old room?

I thought you just cleaned it.

Well, we didn't
clean it very good.

Well, I tell you, if you'll
feel more comfortable,

you can go downstairs
and study in my den.

Well, okay.

Do you and Larry
have any plans, Beaver?

Uh-uh, Mom.

Larry's gotta go to a wedding.

Oh. Is his sister
getting married?

No. But she's going, too,

'cause Larry's mother thinks

it might be catching
or something.

The Big Four at the
Versailles Peace Treaty

were, uh, Wilson,

Clemenceau, Lloyd
George, and Orlando.

That's right, Wally.

Hey, how come if they
had a big peace treaty

for World War I, they
had World War II?

Because they had to
have some more heroes.

They can't just sit
around and goof off.

- Oh, hello, Eddie.
- Good morning, Mrs. Cleaver.

- You know Clarence Rutherford.
- Oh, yes, of course.

He was left back into
our class this year.

How are your mother
and father, Clarence?

Mother's fine, but Daddy
went to the doctor this morning.

He got bit by a squirrel.

Well, that's too bad.

Mother says it
was his own fault.

We came over to pick
up Wally, Mrs. Cleaver.

We're calling on some
friends this morning.

Well, I'm afraid he
can't go with you boys.

His father wants him to stay
and study for his history test.

But you can go in the
den and say hello to him.

Thank you, Mrs. Cleaver.
Studying is important.

If you don't keep
up with your lessons,

you get left back like Clarence.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Wally.

Hi, Wally. Hiya, squirt.

Hi, Eddie. Hi, Lumpy.

Hey, Wally, tell your kid
brother to stop calling me Lumpy.

Hey, Beav, stop
calling Lumpy Lumpy.

Okay.

Your old man's making
you hit the books, huh?

So? You got 45 on the last test.

You're the one that
should be studying.

Studying? Who needs it?

Yeah. Who needs it?

Wally, me and the
Lump have got it made.

- You got what made?
- The test, man. The test.

What are you guys talking about?

Dry up. Don't you have
any respect for your elders?

Yeah. Pipe down, squirt.

Well, I thought you
were studying, Wally.

- Good morning, Mr. Cleaver.
- Good morning, Eddie.

- Good morning, Mr. Cleaver.
- How's your father, Clarence?

- He got bit by a squirrel.
- Sorry to disturb Wally,
Mr. Cleaver.

We were just going.

Oh, yeah.

Well, aren't you boys
studying for your test?

Mr. Cleaver,

if a student keeps up
with his daily assignments,

he doesn't have to
cram at the last minute.

Yeah, Dad. Eddie's got it made.

Well, I'm sure you have, Eddie.

Yes. Well, we must be
going. Good-bye, Mr. Cleaver.

- So long, Eddie.
- Bye, Mr. Cleaver.

Uh... a squirrel, huh?

We'll let ourselves
out, Mr. Cleaver.

Yeah.

Well, Beav, helping your
brother with his studies, huh?

Learn anything
new about history?

Yes, sir.

History is mostly
killing people.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Eddie, are you
sure we really got it made?

Sure, Lump.

The history test is
gonna be on World War I,

so all we gotta do is
write down all the dates

and the battles and the names
of the big shots on a paper towel.

Then we stick the towel
in the towel machine

in the school washroom.

What good is that?
We'll be in the classroom.

Sure.

But during the test, we get
excused to wash our hands.

Then we just pull
down the towel.

Suppose other guys wash
their hands ahead of us?

We don't put it on the
first towel, you dope.

We make it the sixth
or seventh towel.

Gee, Eddie, I don't know
if it's gonna work or not.

Lumpy, do you want
to get left back again?

Gee, no.

All right, then. Stop
being a wise guy.

Hey, Wally, look.

Here's a picture of a bunch
of soldiers kicking each other.

Nah. That's just the way
the Germans used to march.

Where's Wally? I want
to run over the division

of the Balkan states
with him again.

Well, you'll have to run over
the Balkan states with me.

Wally's left for school.

Oh.

Gee, I sure hope he
does well on that test.

He studied all weekend.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Beaver, I thought you
were out waiting for the bus.

Uh-uh, Mom.

I was talking to
Larry on the phone.

He was telling me all about the
wedding his parents took him to.

Oh, was it a nice wedding?

Yeah, it was real neat.

All the way home in the car,

his mother was
yelling at his sister.

What in the world for?

For eating when she should've
been introducing herself.

Now, you all have a
copy of the questions

on your desks,

and you may turn them
over when I tell you to.

You have 45 minutes

in which to complete the test.

And, uh, let's not
have any eyestrain

trying to read off
someone else's paper.

All right. Go ahead.

Psst.

Having trouble, Cleaver?

Well, uh, I got ink on
my hands, Mr. Gannon.

Can I please go wash them?

Are you sure it's
absolutely necessary?

Well, all right. Go
ahead. But hurry back.

Yes, sir.

Haskell.

Something you want
me to do, Mr. Gannon?

You have 45 minutes.

Yes, sir, Mr. Gannon.

I was just organizing
the answers in my mind.

Signed...

Psst.

Yes?

Could I please be excused to
wash my hands, Mr. Gannon?

Uh, you, too, Haskell?

All right.

Thank you, Mr. Gannon.

Having trouble with your
questions, Rutherford?

Oh, no, sir. This is the same
test you gave me last year.

Oh, that's right. We fought through
World War I before, didn't we?

Yes, sir.

Hey, Eddie, Mr. Gannon
sent me in to get you.

What are you doing?

I went through all the
towels, and it's gone.

- Gone?
- Gone.

I knew this would happen when
Cleaver came in here. I knew it.

Aw, cut it out.

He's too square to
get wise to anything.

You're wasting time, fellas.

Yes, Mr. Gannon.

Psst.

Something the
matter, Rutherford?

Oh, no, Mr. Gannon.

I just had a cramp in
my hand from writing.

Wally, I got home
a little late last night.

I didn't get a chance to
ask how you did on the test.

Well, I think I did okay.

Hey, you know that
Battle of Jutland, Dad?

Yeah.

How did that thing come out?

The British won it.

Oh, that's good, 'cause if
they lost it, I'd be in trouble.

In our school,

Mrs. Rayburn made a big
speech yesterday in assembly

about how nobody
should go steady.

She did?

Yeah.

Imagine anybody dumb
enough to go steady with a girl.

Well, what else would
you go steady with?

I don't know, but it
sure wouldn't be a girl.

When are you gonna hear
the results of the test, Wally?

Mr. Gannon's gonna
stick up the goon list today.

I'm gonna stop by and
look at it before I go to gym.

They don't put the
marks up in our school.

Too many kids cry or get sick.

I got an 89! An 89!

I got an 89!

Break it up. What do you
think this is, Mother's Day?

Oh, Annie, I never
got an 89 in my life.

Hey, I can't find my name.

Look further down, Lumpy.

52?

Heck, I got a 55 last year.

Did you see what you got, Eddie?

Yeah. 61.

Boy, think what we
could've got, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, look up here.

Wallace Cleaver, 92.

Oh, that rat. That dirty rat.

Yeah.

Hi, guys. You see
my name anywhere?

Yeah. Here it is.
W. Rat Cleaver.

92... Rat Cleaver?

What's the matter with you guys?

What's the matter?

Please, Mr. Gannon,

can I wash the ink off
my lily-white hands?

Yeah. Can I be excused

to steal the answers
off my friend?

What are you guys talking about?

Cut out the innocent
act, baby face.

Hey, listen, Lumpy, you
watch what you're saying.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Why didn't you slug him, Lumpy?

I was gonna, but I'm
taking clarinet lessons,

and I gotta protect my hands.

Boy, how do you like
a cheater like that?

Stealing the answers
that we planted.

You know what, Eddie? We
ought tell all the guys what he did,

and they'll give him
the silent treatment.

Oh, sure.

Advertise to the whole
school we're a couple of crooks.

Yeah.

They wouldn't believe
it about Wally anyway.

Guess there's nothing we can do.

Well, I'm gonna do
something, that's for sure.

Yeah. You can hit him, Eddie.

You're not taking clarinet.

Aw, dry up.

Hey, Wally, what are
you rubbing on your face?

Aftershave lotion.

How come?

To smell good.

What's the good of
smelling good for me?

I'm not smelling good for you.

I'm just practicing
smelling good.

Oh.

Hey, Wally, how come you
didn't walk home with Eddie today?

Aw, he's sore at me.

What for?

I don't know.

I guess 'cause maybe I got a
good mark on the history test.

That's a dumb reason
to get mad at somebody.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Eddie's
kind of a dumb guy.

Then how come
he's your best friend?

I don't know.

I guess 'cause maybe once in
the third grade, I beat him up.

Oh.

Wally, telephone!

Okay, Dad!

Is it Eddie, Dad?

No. It's Mr. Gannon,
one of your teachers.

Gee. A teacher
calling me at night.

I wonder what he wants.

I don't know, Wally,

but he's waiting to talk to you.

Oh.

Hello, Mr. Gannon?

Yeah, this is Cleaver.

Oh?

Well, yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll be there.

So long. I mean,
good-bye, Mr. Gannon.

What did your
teacher want, Wally?

I don't know.

He says he wants
to see me in his class

before school starts tomorrow.

Isn't he your history teacher?

Yeah.

Well, you got 92 on your test.

Maybe he wants to give
you a prize or something.

They don't give prizes,
Mom. This is high school.

Well, what do you
suppose he wants?

I don't know.

Gee, maybe the 92 was a mistake.

Oh, Wally, I don't
think you have anything

to worry about.

Gee, Mom, any time a
teacher calls you up at night,

you've got something
to worry about.

Cleaver, I asked you
to come in this morning

because I want to
read a note to you.

A note I found on
my desk yesterday.

- A note, Mr. Gannon?
- This note.

"Dear Mr. Gannon,
"you are being taken.

"History II contains
a dirty cheat.

"He hid the answers
in the towel machine

"and then spilled
ink on his hands

"to get excused.

"A word to the
wise is sufficient.

"Signed, A Honor Student.

He is not a girl, and got 92."

Well, um, gee, Mr. Gannon,
that kind of sounds like me.

Well, it's obviously
meant to sound like you.

But I really did spill
ink on my hands.

I didn't get the
answers off any towel.

I know you didn't

because I found
it before the exam.

As a matter of fact,

I left a little humorous
note for the culprit,

and signed it "Polonius."

Oh. Yeah, I found that.

I didn't know it was supposed
to be humorous, though.

Uh, Wally, you weren't
going through those towels

looking for the
answers, were you?

- No, sir.
- I didn't think so,

because I don't think
you're that type of fellow.

Well, thank you, Mr. Gannon.

And 2, the fact that
you got a 92 on the test

proves you didn't have to cheat.

But who do you
think wrote the note?

The same fellow who wrote
the answers on the towel...

Our good friend Eddie Haskell.

Aw, gee, Eddie wouldn't
do a thing like that to me.

No, sir, Mr. Gannon.

That's his handwriting.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah. Why, that no-good skunk.

Excuse me, Mr. Gannon.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.

I completely understand
your sentiments.

Well, that's all,
Wally. You can go.

Thank you.

- Mr. Gannon.
- Yes?

- Could I ask you something?
- Why, certainly.

How did you find
those answers in there?

When I started teaching,

I once had an epidemic of
hand washing during a test,

and ever since then,

I check those towel
racks pretty thoroughly.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Mom, how come tonight,

there's just you and
me doing the dishes?

Well, Wally wanted to
have a talk with your father.

I knew the way Wally slammed
the door when he came home,

he was gonna have
to talk with somebody.

Yes, and he hardly ate anything.

Do you know what's
bothering him?

Uh-uh. I asked him,
and he told me to get lost,

so it might be
something real important.

Well, Beaver, I'm glad you don't
have lots of problems at school.

Oh, I have plenty
of problems, Mom,

but by the time I get
home, I forget what they are.

Look, Wally,

you've known Eddie
since grade school.

Do you really think beating
him up's gonna change him?

Well, maybe not.

But what is gonna change him?

Well,

you take a fellow like Eddie,

with the kind of
attitude he has,

and it seems like nothing's
ever gonna change him.

But then, just when you're
about ready to give up on him,

all of a sudden, he
wakes up one morning

and he just can't stand
himself any longer.

That's when they
start to change.

Yeah?

Does that always happen, Dad?

No, it doesn't always
happen, Wally.

That's the tragedy of it.

But for Eddie's sake, I
think we have to hope it does.

Okay?

Yeah. Okay, Dad.

Let's go give your mother
a hand with those dishes.

Oh, hello, Eddie.

Good evening, Mr. Cleaver.

I wonder if I could
speak to Wally, please.

Uh, oh, sure. Sure.

Why don't you fellas
go on in the den here?

You eat yet?

Yeah. We ate.

I talked to Mr. Gannon.

So?

So I know you didn't
steal my answers now.

You know something, Eddie,

that was the dirtiest trick
you ever did, writing that note.

Okay, okay. So it was.

But, heck, I thought
you got my answers,

and then you acted so crummy
noble with your big, fat 92.

What made you so sure
that I took your answers?

Heck, I never thought

any guy could get a
92 without cheating.

Lots of guys have.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I've come over
to tell you I'm sorry,

so I better tell
you... I'm sorry.

Did Mr. Gannon
make you come over?

No. I kind of felt
bad all by myself.

My father said you
would someday,

but knowing you, I didn't
think it would be this soon.

Well, that's why I came over.

Okay?

Okay.

You wanna mess around?

Nah, I can't. I got a
lot of homework to do.

You know, I might take a crack

at that studying bit and
see how it works out.

Yeah.

So long, Wally.

See you, Eddie.

Hey, Wally, wasn't
that Eddie Haskell?

Yeah.

You know, he's not
really such a bad guy.

Maybe not.

Once, when some big
guys from the eighth grade

were throwing rotten
apples at me and Larry,

Eddie came along and helped us.

Yeah? What did he do?

He made Clyde Bonnefield
eat a whole rotten apple.

So I guess he's a
pretty good guy inside.

Yeah.

Now, uh, before we plunge

headlong into the
formation of the World Court,

I'd like to say something
about our recent test.

I'm sorry to say

there was a little
attempt at cheating.

Now, I'm not going
to mention any names

because the honor
student in question

knows who he is.

Sometimes, in school,

pressures build up, and, well,

cheating seems to
be the easy way out.

But, you see, here
we have a system.

Now, maybe it isn't
a very good one,

and maybe someday,
an expert will come along

and devise a better one.

But right now, it's
all we have to go by

and, basically, it's
very much the same

as you'll find when
you get out of school,

so you might just as well
learn to live with it now.

If you don't,

you're going to grow up to be
very unhappy men and women.

Well, so much for the lecture.

Now, can anyone tell me

which were the first six nations

to ratify the League
of Nations charter?

Haskell?

Argentina, Australia, Belgium,
Bolivia, Brazil and Canada.

Oh, that's fine.

Uh, when you first got up,

I thought you might be going to ask
for permission to wash your hands.

Oh. No, sir.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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