Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 2, Episode 3 - Ward's Problem - full transcript

Leave It To Beaver.

Starring Barbara Billingsley,

Hugh Beaumont,

Tony Dow...

and Jerry Mathers...

as the Beaver.

Can I be excused? All right.

Me too? Yes, Beaver. Here!

Don't forget your lunches.

Hey, Dad. Yeah?

Now that I'm in high school, the next time
I have a haircut, could I get a flattop?



A flattop? Wally, where's
your sense of individualism?

Do you want to look like
every other kid in school?

Sure, Dad.

Here. I don't know what a flattop
is, but you'd better not get one.

Well, okay, Mom. I'll see ya.

Bye. Here, Beaver.

Beaver, you got a new teacher this
year. We haven't heard anything about her.

Well, she's kind of okay. She
doesn't get mad at the kids.

She likes everybody. Probably
just because she's new.

She's trying to get on
the good side of you.

No. You can tell
when they're doin' that.

Miss Landers is
nice... just to be nice.

Oh, well. Good-bye.
Good-bye, honey.

I pledge allegiance
to the flag...



of the United
States of America...

and to the Republic
for which it stands,

one nation under God,

indivisible with liberty
and justice for all.

All right, children.

Now, I have an
announcement to make.

As you read on the bulletin
board, this coming Saturday, the...

Yes, Judy?

Miss Landers, when we
were pledging allegiance

to the flag, Beaver was
looking out the window.

- Thank you, Judy.
- And I don't think
that's very patriotic.

Beaver, you're supposed to
look at the flag. You know that.

I was lookin' at the
flag outside, on the pole.

Well, from now on, we'll
all look at the flag inside.

As I started to say,
this— What is it, Larry?

If we're pledgin' allegiance outside,
do we have to look at the flag inside?

We'll have a discussion
about that some other time.

- Now, as you read on the bulletin
board— - Thank you, Miss Landers.

You're welcome, Larry.

As you read on the bulletin
board, this coming Saturday,

the third grade is having its
"Fathers and Students Picnic."

We'll all assemble here...

at 9:00 with our fathers...

and the buses will take
us to the picnic grounds.

You'll find a slip of
paper on your desk.

I want you to take
it home tonight...

and have your father indicate
whether he will be able to attend...

or will not be able to attend.

Is that clear?
Yes, Miss Landers.

Miss Landers. Yes, Larry?

Do you bring your own food?
Yes, each father and student...

- Thank you, Miss Landers.
- You're welcome, Larry.

Each father and student
should pack a boxed lunch.

- Miss Landers!
- Miss Landers!

Is all we're gonna do is eat?
Oh, no. There'll be lots of games...

and prizes for the egg
races and three-legged races.

I'm sure it will
be a lot of fun.

Boy! I bet me and my
pop win a lot of prizes.

My father's the fastest
runner on the whole block.

My father once got a medal for the
three-legged races in the Olympics.

They don't have three-legged
races in the Olympics.

They do too! That's enough!

Now, I want you all
to fold your papers and

be sure your fathers
get them this evening.

- Yes, Miss Landers.
- Miss Landers!

Yes, Whitey? What if you don't
have a father? Can your mother go?

Well, no, Whitey.
This is just for—

- But, Whitey, you do have a father.
- I know. But everybody doesn't.

- Then they'd be left out.
- I-In that case,

I'm sure an uncle or
a cousin would fill in.

I got an uncle they could borrow if
they don't have one of those either.

Fine, Whitey. Now,
suppose we let the picnic

go till Saturday and
get back to our lessons.

Miss Landers! Miss Landers!

Miss Landers, Charles has been
waving his hand for the last hour.

I realize that. Charles, I said there would
be no more questions about the picnic.

It's not that. I
don't feel good.

I just want to be excused
in time to get sick.

Hey, Wally, if you must
do that, take the click off.

Gee, Dad, it makes a neat sound.

Well, save the "neat sound"
for when we're fishing, huh?

We ought to get an
early start Saturday.

There are gonna be a lot
of people up at Crystal Falls.

Hey, Dad. Are we
really gonna go this time?

You've been promising
me for the last three weeks.

Well, of course we're going. Something
always came up, but it won't this time.

Hey, Dad! I just
thought of something.

How about asking Eddie
Haskell to come along?

I thought we kind of
planned on just the two of us.

Gee, Dad, when you're fishing, it's a lot
more fun to have another guy with ya...

And I kinda already asked him.

And he said you'd say “no"
'cause you don't like him.

Well, it's not that I
don't like him, Wally.

It's just that he, uh— He...

We're gonna be up
there all day, Wally.

You mean he can go?

Yeah, I suppose so.

But, Wally, will
you do me a favor?

Will you ask him on
the way up not to make

those noises at people
when we stop at a light?

Gee, Dad. Eddie's
in high school now.

He doesn't do that anymore.

Well, I won't ask
what he does now.

Mom!

Hi, Mom! Hello, Beaver.

Where's Dad? I gotta
get him to sign something.

He's out in the garage. Thanks.

What's up?

My class is having a
"Father and Kids" picnic...

and we're gonna get to bring food,
run on three legs and everything!

Well, that sounds exciting. Is
there anything I can do to help?

You can make the food, but no women are
allowed to come, unless they're fathers.

Well, that lets me out.

I've gotta go get Dad to
sign this note. 'Bout gone!

- Hi, Wally!
- Oh, hi, Beave.

Our whole class is goin'
out in the woods with lunches!

What's he so excited about?
His class is having a picnic.

Oh. Well, I guess I used to get excited
about things like that when I was a kid.

Oh, when you were a kid.

Incidentally, your
squirt gun's in the

bathroom. You left it
on your bedspread again.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Mom.

Yeah, Dad, all the kids are goin', even
the ones who have to borrow fathers.

Well, sounds like fun, Beave.

Yeah, they're gonna have boxed-up
lunches and races with eggs and everything.

- You wanna go, don't ya, Dad?
- I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Dad, they do too have three-legged
races in the Olympics, don't they?

- Three-legged races?
- Yeah. You once told me
you won an Olympics medal for it.

Oh, no, Beaver. I told
you when I was in junior

high I took second place
in the hop, step, and jump.

I guess that's almost as
good as winning the Olympics.

Well, at the time, it
certainly seemed so.

Beaver, you dropped your
books right in the middle of the hall.

Now you go on in there and
pick them up. Okay, Mom.

And don't go away. You and Wally
are having supper alone tonight.

Father and I are
going out. Yes, Mom.

Dad, would you sign this thing?
This is the thing that says you're goin'.

You gotta put
your signature on it.

That means no printin'. Oh.

Come on, Beaver. Pick
the books up. Yes, Mom.

He certainly is excited about
that picnic on Saturday, isn't he?

Certainly is excited about that picnic on
Saturday. Hey! This thing's next Saturday.

Is it? Yeah.

Well? Well, I promised Wally
I'd take him fishing this Saturday.

Well, the school is more important.
You can go fishing any weekend.

Yeah. I suppose so.

Only trouble is I've already
called it off three times.

Well, he's in high school now. He ought
to be man enough to take it. I guess so.

Hey, Dad. I just talked
to Eddie and it's all set.

Uh, Wally. He'll
even get up at 6:00.

Uh, Wally, I've been
thinking about that fishing trip.

You suppose Eddie's
father would like to take ya?

Gee, Dad, you're not gonna back
out again after you promised me?

Oh, no. I'm not gonna
back out. And, anyway,

Eddie's father doesn't
know anything about fishing.

The thing is, you see—
And I talked to Eddie

about making those
noises at people in the car.

He said he'd cut it
out and everything.

Well, I'm not going to
disappoint you, Wally.

Gee, thanks, Dad.
I knew you wouldn't.

That must be Eddie calling back.

Ward, I think you should
have told him right away.

I know I should have,
but I'm on a spot.

I gotta have time to
figure something out. I...

Hey, maybe you could
take Beaver to the picnic.

Uh-uh. Women aren't
allowed unless they're fathers.

Hey, Beaver. Mom and Dad don't
want ya eatin' with your face in the plate.

But there's nobody
here. Well, I'm here.

Well, I'm not gonna
waste any manners on you.

Boy, you wouldn't get away
with eatin' like that in high school.

How come? They
make you learn etiquette.

What's that? It's learnin' how to
eat right and have manners and stuff.

I didn't know they picked on ya that
much when you were in high school.

Oh, yeah. They're real
strict about that kind of stuff.

Hey, Wally, did I tell ya? Dad's
takin' me to the class picnic.

Yeah? When is it? This Saturday.

You're goofy, Beaver. Dad's takin'
me and Eddie fishing up at Crystal Falls.

Dad's takin' you this Saturday?

Yeah. We're gonna spend
the whole day up there.

No, you're not. Dad's gonna take
me to the "Fathers and Kids" picnic.

The heck he is. When
did he tell ya that?

This afternoon. That's when
he said he was takin' me fishin'.

You know, Beave, I think he
told us both the same thing.

Yeah. Why would
he do that, Wally?

I don't know. Sometimes
grown-ups tell ya stuff...

just to keep ya quiet.

Yeah.

Wally, wait a minute
for the Beaver.

Beaver, hurry up. You're
gonna be late for school.

Okay, Mom.

Wally, do you have
enough money for lunch?

Yeah. It sounds
like I got enough.

Mom, where's Dad?
Did he get awake yet?

Oh, he got awake hours ago.
He had an early appointment.

Hurry up. Run along.

Did he sign my picnic paper?

Well, no, Beaver, he didn't. What
did he say about my fishing trip?

Well, Wally, he said he'd
talk to you about it tonight.

Now, come on, boys. You're gonna
be late for school. Have a good day.

Bye. Bye.

You see, Beave? Dad didn't sign
your paper, so he's takin' me fishin'.

Yeah, I guess so, but I don't know
what I'm gonna tell Miss Landers.

And I told all the other
kids that Dad was takin' me

to the picnic and we were
gonna win all the prizes.

Gee, that's tough,
Beave, but, after all,

I was born first
and I'm the oldest.

Yeah. Well, don't
feel too bad, Beave.

Sometime we might
have a baby brother, and

then he'll be the one
that gets shoved around.

Yeah. Gee whiz.

Well, you'll probably be able to think
of something to tell the other guys.

Oh, now, children, before
you go home, I want you

to come up and give me
your slips for the picnic.

Did everyone remember
to have them signed?

Yes, Miss Landers.

All right. Then would you
bring them up here, please?

Beaver.

My father wants to know is
your father gonna wear sneakers.

I don't know. He didn't say.

What's the matter?
Doesn't he wanna go?

Sure he wants to go. He
wants to go a whole lots.

Thank you.

My father's taking me.
His uncle's taking me.

Yes. If anybody else
wants him, he's used up.

Thank you.

Thank you, dear. My father said
I could come if I don't get dirty.

Oh.

My father had a business trip, but he
canceled because he's always so good to me.

That's nice, Judy.

Thank you.

My mom and dad had a fight about
Saturday, but he's taking me anyway.

Fine, Larry.

Beaver! Do you have your slip?

- No, Miss Landers.
- Well, did you give it to your father?

Yes, but he didn't
give it back to me.

Well, Theodore, we have to know today
whether or not your father's taking you.

Is he?

Well, uh, I think he's
gotta go on a business trip.

That's too bad. Won't
he be back in time?

No, uh,

he's gotta go to Washington
to see the president.

The president of
the United States?

Uh, no. I think it's one of the
other presidents they got there.

Oh, the president
of some company.

Yes, the president
of some company.

Well, isn't there someone
else who could take you?

No, because I don't have
any uncles around here...

and Whitey's is all used up.

Well, it's a shame, Beaver.

You'll be the only one
in the class not going.

Well, maybe you could
come along in the bus anyway.

No. It wouldn't be any fun
having fun without my father.

Beaver!

Are you sure you
don't wanna go along?

No.

I got a lot of things to do
around the house anyway.

Hi, dear. Hi.

You're home early,
aren't you? Yeah.

I, uh, wanna get this thing straightened
out about Saturday. The boys home?

Wally is. Beaver isn't.
What did you decide?

Well, I've got to take
Beaver. After all, that's school.

I know I promised Wally, but I'll
just have to take him next weekend.

Wally's been on the
telephone all afternoon with

Eddie Haskell. He's sure
you're gonna take him.

He's up in his room. You'd better
let him down as easy as you can.

Yeah.

Say, Ward. I've got
a wonderful idea.

I couldn't take the Beaver to the picnic,
but I could take Wally and Eddie fishing.

Take—Oh, now, dear.

That's kind of a silly idea.
What do you mean by that?

Well, I mean, if I go to the
picnic, I have to have the car.

Wormed your way out
of that one, didn't you?

Yeah.

Beaver, is your father really
going to Washington Saturday?

Yeah. He's gonna fly
there— In an airplane.

Judy said you just made that up because
your father forgot to sign your paper.

He wouldn't forget to
sign a thing like that.

I hope so because I'd hate to see
your father show up at the picnic...

and have everybody
say you're a liar.

I am not. My father isn't
gonna show up at that picnic...

'cause he has to
go to Washington.

You and the other kids can just
wait and see! All right, Beaver.

Don't holler at me. I'm not
like Judy and those other kids.

I like you, even if you
do turn out to be a liar.

Well, how's high school
going? Oh, pretty good, Dad.

I'm just puttin' my
name on my books. Oh.

"Wally Cleaver— In
case of fire, throw this in."

That was an old gag
when I went to school.

Gee, Dad, no foolin'? Eddie told all
the guys he made it up all by himself.

Well, thus do our idols crumble.

Huh? Oh. Never mind.

Say, Wally, uh, about this
fishing trip next Saturday...

Oh, yeah. Eddie's comin' over tomorrow
night and we're gonna get some worms.

He talked his dad into
buying him a new reel too.

Yeah. Well, gosh, Wally, I
hate to let you down again, but...

I'm just going to have to take
Beaver to his school picnic.

Well, gee, Dad, what
am I gonna tell Eddie?

He's gonna say I made
the whole thing up...

and he's gonna think
I'm an awful creep.

Wally, you're old enough to
understand why I have to take the Beaver.

Sure, I understand.
'Cause he's a little squirt

and you like him
better than you like me.

- Now, Wally,
you know that isn't it at all.
- Well, gee, then, what is it?

Look, his whole class
is going. We couldn't

let him be the only
one not to go, could we?

Well, if you can't
take me and Eddie,

I guess we can hitchhike
up to Crystal Falls.

- It's only 60 miles.
- There'll be no hitchhiking, Wally.

Now, look. You're
in high school now.

You asked to be
treated like a man.

All right. Suppose you were in
my place, what would you do?

Well, okay. I'll call Eddie back
and tell him we'll go next week.

Atta boy, Wally, and
thank you. You know, Dad,

it always doesn't work out so
well, being treated like a man.

No, Wally, it doesn't.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

Well, you're getting
home late from school.

I know. I couldn't
get my locker open.

Did you lose the key? No.

I lost the combination. Mr. Bloomgarten got
it from the office and opened it for me.

Oh! Well, I hope you don't
forget the combination again.

Oh, no! I wrote it on
the front of the locker.

Oh. Beaver, your father's home.
He has something to tell you.

Oh.

You wanna see me, huh, Dad?

Oh, yeah, Beaver. Here's the
slip about the picnic. I signed it.

- Gee, Dad, it was due today.
- Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, you give it to your
teacher first thing in the morning...

and tell her I'll be able
to take you after all.

- You can't take me now, Dad.
- Well, why not?

Well... on account of something.

- What is the something?
- Uh,

the something is they
called the picnic off.

They called it off? At
the last minute? Why?

I don't know.

Oh, now, Beaver, they must
have given you some reason.

A lot of the kids
have got something.

You mean they're sick?
What have they got?

Uh, I think they
got an "epidemics."

Did they close the school?

No. They just closed the picnic.

I gotta go upstairs.

Supper's almost ready. Will
you tell your brother? Yes, Mom.

June, did you hear anything about
an epidemic at Beaver's school?

No, not a word. Why?

Well, he just said the
picnic was called off.

Well, that's funny. I was
talking to Whitey's mother

this afternoon. She didn't
mention anything about it.

Well, I didn't...

Hello? Oh, hello, Miss Landers.

It's Beaver's teacher. Well, they
finally got around to letting us know.

Hmm. Mr. Dennison
will take the Beaver?

Well, I—What? Washington?

Wow, Beaver. You really
told some big ones this time.

I know.

What do you think they'll
do to me if they find out?

Well, you'll be in
trouble at school...

and you'll be in
trouble at home too.

I kind of know what
Dad will do to me,

but what do you think
they'll do to me at school?

Well,

Mrs. Rayburn, the principal, might
decide to make an example out of you.

Gee, Wally, what's an example?

Well, they made one of Tooey
Brown when he was in the sixth grade.

He ran out on the new gym
floor with his regular shoes on.

The coach made him wear his sneakers
around his neck for the whole day.

Well, what do you think they'll
make me wear around my neck?

I don't know, but
they'll think of somethin'.

Oh, hi, Dad. Is supper
ready? In a few minutes.

Uh, Wally, if you'll excuse us,

the Beaver and I are gonna
have a little talk out in the hall.

Out in the hall?
Yeah, that's right.

See ya, Beave.

See ya, Wally.

Beaver, Miss Landers
just called from school. Oh.

Why'd ya make up all
those stories about me going

to Washington and the
picnic being called off?

- If I tell ya,
you'll be madder at me.
- Well, I'm not mad at ya, Beaver.

Then maybe I
oughtn't to tell ya at all.

Yes, Beaver, I think you should.

Well, I told all the kids you
were takin' me to the picnic,

and then you said you
were takin' Wally fishing,

and I didn't want the kids to
think I had the kind of father...

who wouldn't take a kid someplace
where a father should take a kid.

Well, but, Beaver, I told your mother
I was gonna take you to the picnic,

and I told Wally that I
couldn't take him fishing.

Gee, Dad, seems like
you told everybody but me.

Yeah.

Looks like I put you on a spot where you
just about had to make up those stories.

Yeah, but I wish
I hadn't though,

'cause now I can't go anyways.

Well, I'll tell ya what,

I think I can straighten
it out with Miss Landers,

and we'll go to that picnic.

I sure hope so,

'cause I wouldn't like to
be made an example of...

and have to wear
sneakers around my neck.

Hey, Mom, there sure is a lot of stuff on
the potato before they get to the potato.

There sure is.

Hey, is that Dad and Beaver
getting home from the picnic?

Yes, it is.

I wonder if they won anything.
Well, we'll soon find out.

Well, here we are, filled with the spirit
of conquest, soda pop and hard-boiled eggs.

Look, Wally, we won a cup!
Hey! Boy! That's neat, Beave.

It's solid gold plastic!

You wanna keep it
in your office, Dad?

No, you keep it in your room.
After all, a leg-and-a-half was yours.

I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Boy, Wally, you should've
seen Dad dunking for apples.

Ward, did you explain things
to Miss Landers's satisfaction?

Oh, sure, eventually.

Wally wasn't too
disappointed, was he?

Well, Eddie came over and Wally put up
a pretty good front of enjoying himself...

Fishing in the backyard. Aw.

I suppose I should've told him as
soon as I heard about Beaver's picnic.

You certainly should
have. Why'd you put it off?

Well, June, when a
father has two sons...

and they're both looking forward
to having a wonderful time with him,

you hang onto the
feeling as long as you can.

You do understand, don't you?

Well, as much as I can
without being a father.