Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Clubhouse - full transcript

It's a rainy weekend day, when all in the Cleaver household are stuck inside figuring how to spend their time. When Eddie and Tooey come over, the boys' minds wander. Although it was really Beaver's idea, Eddie takes credit for the idea that he, Wally and Tooey build a clubhouse on the vacant lot across the street. They will charge other eighth graders $1 to join, but Eddie decides to charge Beaver $3 instead, just because. As Eddie, Wally and Tooey start building the clubhouse, Beaver starts trying to get the $3. When Ward refuses to give him the money knowing that Beaver will not really appreciate it, Beaver, after speaking to June, decides he will try and raise the money the way adults do it. Beaver starts his own business based on what he sees Pete the hobo doing, but Beaver puts his own spin on it. As the older boys' focus on the clubhouse begins to fade, Beaver shows his mettle by sticking to his plan. But a further chat with Pete makes Beaver reconsider his end goal.

[Ward Narrating]
When you were young,
you had all kinds of fiends.

Some were helpful

[No Audible Dialogue]

Some were your playmates.

And there were some very special friends
that your parents never even knew about.

And that’s our story tonight
on Leave It To Beaver.

[Announcer]
Leave It To Beaver.

Starring Barbara Billingsley
Hugh Beaumont, Tony Dow...

and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

[Rainfall]

Ward.
You know, someday the paper's gonna say
fair and warmer and it'll be fair and warmer.



Ward, there's water
in the basement.

Yeah, I noticed that
earlier this morning.

Well, didn't we just pay $280
so this would never happen again?

Yeah, well, I talked to Mahoney about it.
He said it wasn't anything to worry about,

just condensation.

Well, there's an inch and a half
Of condensation on the floor.

Now you better call Mahoney
and get him over here.

June, I hate to call anyone out
in weather like this.

Why don't you send a cab for him?

All right. Okay, I'll call him.
Later, huh?

What are the boys doing,
out sailing boats in the gutter?

When we have a basement?

I said I'd call him.

Oh, the boys are upstairs
in their room.



Yeah, I guess kids don't sail
boats in gutters anymore.

One of the lost arts of childhood.

Wally, wanna get my soldiers out
and have a battle?

Nah.

[Dings]

Wanna pretend like we're
shipwrecked on a desert island,
and we had to watch out for cannibals?

I don't feel like
watching out for cannibals.

|wish it would quit raining
so we could find something to do.

[Dings]

You wanna trade marbles?
[Dings]

Nah, only a goof would trade
marbles this time of year.
[Dings]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Dings]

Hey, Wally. Look who's
cutting across the lawn.

It's Tooey and Eddie.

Boy, are they wet.

Look at that crazy Tooey.
He's wearing rubbers.

At least now there will be
something to do.

[Knocking]

Well, come in.

Hi, Mrs. Cleaver. My mother told us
to come over here and play.

Well, wasn't that thoughtful of her?
The boys are upst—

Hey!

Hi, men.
Yeah, hi, men.

Gee, Mrs. Cleaver,
your hair looks nice.

Thank you, Eddie.

— Where are your rubbers?
— I got out without them.

Oh.
Hey, Wally.

I thought we could trade marbles.
Hey, Tooey, that's a great idea.
Come on, let's go upstairs.

But, Wally, you said only goofs—

Oh.

Why do they always
have to come to our house?

Because we're so charming
and understanding, and we don't have
enough character to send them away.

Hey, Tooey, you crook.
This realie's got a crack in it.

That's no crack.
It's a vein.

That means it's real marble.

What are you talking about?

They don't make marbles out of marble.

Well, what do they make 'em out of?

Glass.

— Do they make steelies out of glass too?
— Oh, why don't you dry up?

What are you trying to do?

Hey, you guys, quit it.

[All Grunting, Shouting]

Boys, boys.
Can't you be quiet up here?

Beaver started it, Mrs. Cleaver.

Yes, I can see that.
Now, come on. Up, up!

Now, look. You're just
gonna have to be quiet.

Your father's trying
to do some work.

We'll be quiet, Mom.
Well,just see that you are.

I wish there was someplace
we could mess around in peace.

We could play in my house.
But my mom always has a headache.

— Too bad we don't have a clubhouse.
— We could play in my garage.

But my father won't let me
near his power tools.

We could build a clubhouse
in the vacant lot across the street.

Hey, I got a great idea.

— What's that, Eddie?
— We could build ourselves a clubhouse.

[Tooey]
Hey, that’s a good idea.

— That's a very good idea.
— I thought I told you to dry up.

We could have a secret club
with a password and everything.

We could just have it
for us guys in the eighth grade.

We could have initiation fees
and dues and everything.

You know, a buck to get in
and 10 cents a week.

We could have an initiation.
We'd get to hit a lot of big guys
that way, and they can't hit you back.

— Some guys would.
— Eddie, could I join your club?

What are you talking about?

This is just for the eighth grade.

Yeah, you'd be hanging around,
messing things up anyway.

Couldn't we let him in? He's gonna be
in the eighth grade someday.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, Beaver.

We're charging us eighth—grade guys
a dollar to get in.

But seeing as you're in the second grade,
we're gonna give you a special rate.

We'll let you in the club
if you come up with three dollars.

Gee, thanks, Eddie.

It's a lot of money,
But I think I can get it.

Boys.
Yes, Mrs. Cleaver?

Boys, I'm gonna have some
sandwiches for you in a little while.

— Thanks, Mom.
— Don't put any mayonnaise
on mine, Mrs. Cleaver.

My mom says I'm allergic to it.
Well, I'll try to remember that, Eddie.

Gee, Mrs. Cleaver,
your hair really does look—
You said that, Eddie.

Look, boys, I think you're going to be
able to play outside after lunch.
The rain seems to be letting up.

Mom, where's Dad?
I wanna ask him something.

Boy, we can get started
on the clubhouse right after lunch.

Uh, say, maybe we oughta
let the Beaver in for a buck.
He's actually not so bad.

Look, it was my idea
to have the clubhouse...

so I'm gonna say who gets in
and who doesn't.

Why do you want three dollars?
Sol can join the club that Wally
and Eddie and Tooey are building.

Oh, now, look, Beaver.
They're big fellas.
They're in the eighth grade.

You're just a little guy.
You couldn't join their club.

I could if I had three dollars.

Beaver, yesterday, you wanted
two dollars for a model airplane.

Tomorrow, it'll be something else.

You see, you haven't learned
to stick to one thing yet.

I collected gum wrappers
for a whole week once.

Yes, I know, but that's not quite
the same thing, Beaver.

For example, did you know that
psychologists say children your age...

simply can't concentrate
on any one thing...

for longer than, uh,
oh, about 40 minutes at most?

Does this mean
I don't get the three dollars?

It means, why don't you go and play
and the first thing you know...

you'll forget all about the clubhouse,
the three dollars and everything.

Okay, Dad.

Oh, looks pretty good, boys.
Yeah, Mr. Cleaver.

It's an interesting
roofline you have there.

Yeah, well, we're gonna
saw it off later, Dad.
Oh.

Eddie, give me the big hammer.

Uh, Tooey.

If you choke up on the hammer like that,
you can't get much leverage.

If I stand back any further,
Mr. Cleaver, I can't see the nail.

Well, doing a great job, boys.

Really on the ball with this clubhouse.
Thanks, Mr. Cleaver.

Oh, Wally, I wouldn't leave these tools
lying on the wet grass like that.
They'll get all rusted.

Oh, it's okay, Dad.
They belong to Tooey's father.
Oh.

Keep up the good work.

Hey, your dad's all right, Wally.
He doesn't stick around.

If my dad knew we were
building a clubhouse,

he'd wanna measure everything
and cut 'em off with his power tools.

It took him two days once
to make a breadboard.

Mom.
I thought you were
helping with the clubhouse.

I ain't a member.
Beaver, you're not a member.

That's right,
I ain't not a member.

Mom. Mom,
how do people make money?

Well, mostly, they earn it.

Who's got the most money
in the whole town?

Well, I really don't know.

What about Mr. Thompson?
He owns that big house by the park.

Yes, Mr. Thompson
has a great deal of money
Where did he get it?

Well, I think his father
left it to him when he died.

Oh.

How about Mr. Cartwright?
He has that big fence around his grass.

Yes, Mr. Cartwright is rather wealthy.

Where did he get his money?
Did somebody “leaved” it to him too?

No, Mr. Cartwright made his
as an advertising executive.

Now, honey, why don't you
run along and play.

What's advertising?

Well, it's when people pay you to
tell other people what you have to sell.

Like a billboard,
or ads in the newspaper.

He gets paid for that?
Uh-huh.

Run along.

Okay.

Where's the Beaver going?
I don't know.

He came in and asked me
who the richest man in town was,
and then he left.

Well, maybe he plans
to marry his daughter.

Hmm?
Oh,just dreaming.

This will make a good window.

We'll cut a hole for it later.

Yeah, wipers and everything.

Hey, Wally, where's your kid brother?

How come he's not
hanging around bothering us?

I don't know.
|haven't seen him since this morning.

I kind of wish he'd come around.

Then we could have the fun
Of chasing him off.

You probably scared him off
with that stuff about the three dollars.

Excuse me, mister.
Huh, what?

Oh, hi, sonny.

Are you in the advertising business?

We||,you might say I am.

Do you make a lot of money?

Never needed much,
so I never made much.
Make enough to get along.

Could a fella make three dollars
carrying that sign?
Yeah, / guess you could

Of course ambition was never
one of them bad habits I ever picked up.

I walk a little,
then I set a little.

Come the end of the day,
I start adding it up.
[Chuckles]

More setting than there is walking.

But a fella could make
three dollars, couldn't he?

Yes, but he'd have to have
that ambition habit real bad.

No golf this afternoon?

Well, I thought for one Saturday
I'd spend the day here with you.

Oh, the greens haven't dried out yet.

No, not quite.

Honey.
Yeah.

Don't you think you might've given
the Beaver the money to join Wally's club?
Oh, sure, I could have.

But it would've just been
another one of those things
he'd have forgotten about in half an hour.

Remember when he had to have
that football helmet?

I paid six dollars for it. He wore it
every place he went for two days,
including to bed.

Then he gave it to the milkman
in case he had a head—on collision.

Well, I don't know, Ward. The Beaver
seemed pretty determined this morning.

June, at their age, their minds
bounce from one thing to another
like a pinball machine.

Anyway, if we gave them
everything they wanted,
they'd be bored and we'd be broke.

|don't think the greens
have dried out yet.

Say, mister,
do you wanna advertise?

Advertise?
Uh-huh.

You can have my front for 50 cents,
and my back for 75.

I'm sorry, sonny. Our advertising
department's in New York.

Well, I guess I'll have
an ice-cream bar anyways.

[Jazz Music]

[Jazz Music Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Clears Throat]
What?

Hi, Charlie.
Oh, hello, Beaver.

— Were you asleep, Charlie?
— Me?

No, no, I was just running over
the alarm signals in my mind.
What can I do for you?

Charlie, would you like to take
old Number7 out with the siren going?

Now, look You know, Beaver, that this
is nothing but an auxiliary firehouse.

I doubt if half the people in the town
know that we're still here.

— They would if you advertised.
— Advertise a fire engine?

Sure. Tell them you're available
in case they got a fire.

I'm selling advertising space
to join my brother Wally's club.

Well, how much are you charging?

50 cents for my front.
75 cents for my back.

Well, the city council didn't give us
no budget for advertising.

But I think I could take it
out of the polish money.

We're coming along
pretty good, aren't we?

Yeah. When we get the roof on,
it'll begin to look like something.

We better get back to work, huh?

Yeah, I suppose so.

You know, building a clubhouse isn't
as much fun as I thought it would be.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, Wally, where's that
goofy brother of yours?

You don't suppose he's out
trying to raise that three dollars.

You can't tell. He believes
everything we tell him.

Yeah.

I should've made it five dollars.

Hey, Wally,
here comes your father.

Hi, mister.
Hi.

Nice bridge you got here.
Thanks.

I come and spit off it all the time.
It's the best spitting bridge in town.

Do you own the bridge, mister?
No.
It belongs to the city, kid.

Who owns the city?
People, all the people.

I guess I'm a people, huh?
Sure.

Then I guess I own a little of the bridge.

Just as much as anybody.

Say, mister, can I borrow
some of your paint?

Sure, go ahead, kid.

[No Audible Dialogue]

How was the game?
The course never did dry out.
I three—putted eight greens.

Why aren't the boys
working on their clubhouse?

Well, after the wall collapsed
for the third time, they gave it up.

They went over to Tooey's
to watch television.

Gave up on their project, huh?

Leaving us with a vacant lot
full of old lumber, and a closet
full of wet jackets and raincoats.

Well, it's just like I said, they can't
keep their minds on anything.

Oh, you didn't say that about Wally.
You said that about the Beaver.

He's still out.

I hope he isn't still trying
to raise money for that club.

Oh, don't be silly.
He's forgotten about that long ago.

I just hope he remembers
to come home.

Eight greens.

Well, looks like you done all right.

Huh? Oh, hi.

Yeah, I've got $1.75.

One lady gave me 50 cents
just for doing nothing.

How'd you do, mister?

Well, I didn't do so good.

I guess the setting
kind of got the best of me.

You mean you didn't make anything?

Practically nothing.

Now I'm just gonna have to
go home again empty—handed.

Gee, that's too bad.
What's empty—handed?

Broke, son,
cold, stone broke.

I don't mind for myself, but...

I keep thinking about my little girl.

You got a little girl?

A darling little girl,
with blue eyes.

Her name is Jasmine,
just about your age.

Same kind of hair too.

She must be
a funny—looking little girl.

No, to her daddy,
she's a darling little girl.

Looks just like her mother...

before she went away.

I'm awful sorry.
Oh, don't be sorry on my account.

I met her when I was shipping out
on the old Mariposa...

one of them dancing girls
in Damascus.

Wore little bells around her ankles.

When she walked,
she made music.

Stole her right out from under
the nose of one of them sultans.

Gee, was there any shootin'?

No, but one of them curved swords
cut the heel off one shoe.

She's gone now, and...

all I got left is my little Jasmine.

I hate to see her cry herself to sleep
on an empty stomach.

You mean she ain't
got nothing to eat?

Nope.

She's gonna look at me
with them big, brown eyes...

break her daddy's heart.

I“thunk“ she had blue eyes.

What? Yes, uh,
blue in the morning.

But, uh, when it comes
around evening...

they get to look
like a sunset in Damascus.

Brown.
Here.

Oh, no. No, I couldn't
take your money, son.

No.
Here. I don't need it anymore.

Well, thank you, son.

Now I won't have to hock
her mother's little ankle bell.

I found it in the garage.

Well, I guess I was wrong
about old Beave, huh?

He must've been disappointed
when he came home and found
there was no more club.

You know, this reminds me
of when I was a kid.

I made 80 cents once charging other kids
to look at my grandfather asleep in bed.

Why in the world would anyone want
to look at your grandfather sleeping?

He had a beard.
Oh.

Oh?

Yeah, you see—
Never mind.

What did you do with the money?
Same thing Beaver
probably did with his.

Blew it all on candy
and ice cream.

What? You gave all the money
you made to that old guy, Pete?

He told me he needed it
for his daughter,Jasmine.

Daughter?

Oh, brother.

Beave, everybody knows that guy.
He's a faker.

He just told you that
to get a handout.

How could you believe that?
Dancing girls and sultans.

I “knowed” it wasn't true.

Well, then why did you
give him your money?

Nobody ever told me
a story like that afore.