Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Haircut - full transcript

[Ward Narrating]
When you’re young,
there are some things you have to learn.

How to catch a baseball

And good table manners
don’t come too easily.

But when you’re a boy,
losing things Is one of the few lessons
you don ’t have to learn.

And that’s our story tonight
on Leave It To Beaver.

[Announcer]
Leave It To Beaver.

Starring Barbara Billingsley,
Hugh Beaumont, Tony Dow...

and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

What are you looking for?

I lost one of my wings.
Oh.

One of your wings?



Well, one of the Beaver's wings.

Oh, that's even
more improbable.

I'm working on his costume
for the school play.

Miss Canfield has him
playing an angel.

I'm glad to hear he's been promoted.
Last year he played a dwarf.

Ah, here we are.
One wing.

Uh, by the way, how is—
how is Beaver reacting
to his role?

Does it offend
his masculine dignity?

I don't think so.
I think it's upset him a little bit.

Miss Canfield called this afternoon
and said that he hadn't eaten lunch
in school for three days.

Well, did he take
his lunch money with him?
Yes, his whole week's allowance.

Huh.

I don't like to have him
going without his lunch.

I talked to him about it,
but I didn't get anywhere.



—Ward, would you?
— Okay.

All right.
Sure, I'll talk to him.

Darling, thanks.
You're so good at it.

Yeah.

[June]
Beaver!

Hey, Beave, they're calling ya.

I don't think I hear 'em.

Beaver!

Now I think I gotta hear 'em.

Now look, Beave,
Whatever you did,
don't drag me into it.

Now look, Beave.
I know what you told
Miss Canfield,

but just between us men,
why didn't you go to
the cafeteria for lunch?

Just between us men?
Uh-huh.

I wasn't hungry.

Uh, Beaver, you know
you kind of hurt my feelings.

I, uh—I thought you liked
your old dad well enough...

to not have any secrets from him.

Now, come on,
why didn't you have your lunch?

If I tell you,
you'll be mad at me.

That's ridiculous.
Now come on, tell me.

I "losted” my money.

Again?
Oh, Beaver.

Your mother and I
have been very patient with you,

but this habit of losing money
has got to stop.

I told you you'd be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.
Okay, shake.

[Laughs]
Okay, Beaver.

But we've gotta do something
about this business
Of losing money.

Couldn't I have another chance?
I don't mean to losted anything.

Oh!
[Chuckles]

Well, what took you so long?
Oh, honey,

even with inflation,
it takes a while to spend $23.86.

Where are the boys?
Oh, Wally's out
playing ball somewhere.

I sent the Beaver down
to get a haircut.

You sent him to the barbershop?

You know a better place
to get a haircut?

[Chuckles]
No, I figured as long as he
was going to be in the school play,

I didn't want him
to be a shaggy angel.

What I mean is
did you give him the money
to get a haircut?

I gave him a dollar and a half
for the haircut, and a 25—cent tip
for the barber.

You gave him $1.75 after the way
he's been losing money?

Aw, June, I feel it's important
to give him another chance.

You know, like in the air force.
When a pilot crashes,
they send him right back up again...

so he won't lose his nerve.

Beaver won't lose his nerve,
just your money.

I don't know about that.
Don't forget, we had
a little talk last night, man—to—man.

I don't think it'll happen again.

Anyway,just to make sure,
I buttoned it in his shirt pocket
personally.

I told him, told him at least
a half a dozen times:

How can the Elks
beat the firemen?

They ain't got a man on the team
who can bowl over 200.

[Customer]
Yeah, but the firemen
have a new rule.

They can draw on guys
in the sanitation department

They’re loaded for the finals.

When he gets back,
be sure and tell Stanley
I was in.

You'll be next, son.

Okay, son.

That's $2.25 with the shine.

Put it on my tab—
Mr. Todd.

Okay. Okay, Mr. Todd.

What's the matter?
I'm looking for something.

I think I losted my money.

Looks like you "founded"
everything else in town.

Can you give me
a haircut anyways?

I've gotta be an angel in school.

Well, I'd like to,
but Stanley the boss
is on vacation,

and he won't let me give
a haircut without money.

Oh. Put it on my tab.

You have a tab?

I might have.

What is a tab?

Well, it's a charge account
like Mr. Todd has.

All right, put it on his tab.

Oh, I can't do that, son.

Will you give me a haircut
for a glass doorknob?

It's hardly scratched at all.

Well, that's
a nice—looking doorknob,

but, uh, I don't think the union
will go along with me.

Would the union go along
with a couple of lead soldiers?

I'm afraid not.
I tell you what we do, son.

Suppose I call up your parents
and tell 'em you lost the money,
and they'll okay the haircut.

How does that sound?
Yeah.

I think our phone's
been discontinued.

Well, then,just suppose you go home
and explain it to your parents.

They'll understand.
After all, anybody can lose money.

Yeah, but not as good as I can.

Well—

Thanks anyways.
I guess I have to think
of something else.

Sorry, son.

Next?

Stand still, Wally.

I'm trying to fit this.

Gee, Mom, why can't the Beaver
model his own wings?

He went to get a haircut,
and I haven't seen him since.

Well, what if some of the kids
walked in and saw me like this?

Oh, never mind.
Now hold still.

Wally, why aren't you
in the school play?

Oh, I'm in it.
What do you do?

I hold a sign saying "just a minute”
while the wise men
are putting on their beards.

Better get your blue suit pressed.
Yeah. Can I get out of
these things now?

Oh, all right.
You can get out of these things.
Come on.

Boy, it makes me look
Like a sissy.

Wally?

Have you seen my scissors?
No, Mom.

Oh, well, they'll turn up.

[Scissors Cutting]

Hey, Beaver, are you in there?

/’n in here, Wally.

Well, what are you doin'?
I’m not doin’ nothin’.
Nothin’ at all, Wally.

[Scissors Cutting]

[Scissors Cutting]
Beaver, you come on outta there.

If you don't,
I'm gonna tell Dad.

Alright

What's that?

A haircut, I think.

Wow.

You look like Wilson's Airedale
when he had the mange.

Why didn't you let Stanley
Cut your hair?

Stanley wasn't there.
And anyways I losted my money.

What a goof! How could you
lose the money again?
I don't know.

Wait till Dad gets a load
of that head.

Wally, couldn't you fix it up for me?
Don’t be crazy

I can't give anybody a haircut.

Did you ever give anybody one?

— No.
— Then how do you know?

It's a real small head.

Well, I guess I could make it
Look a little bit better
than it does now.

— Sure you could.
— Okay, hand 'em over.

You're a wonderful brother.

[Scissors Cutting]

Well, I think that's about it.

Are you finished?
I don't know,
but I think I'd better stop.

I've never seen one like it,
have you?

It's different.

Yeah.
Yeah.

How long do you think
before it grows back?
At least a week.

Well, I can't hide
for a whole week.

No.

[Sighs]
I'm sorry, Beave.

Oh, that's okay.
It's only your first haircut.

You'll get better
as you go along.

What are we gonna do?
They're gonna be awful mad at us
when they see it.

Maybe we could think of a way
so they won't see it.

Yeah, let me think.

Well, did you get the Beaver
converted to an angel yet?

He wasn't around today.
Had to use Wally
as a stand—in angel.

When is the big event?
Wednesday night.

You know, honey,
I may be a little prejudiced,

I think he's gonna be
the cutest angel there.

Well, I must admit,
I can see why they picked him.
He's so, uh—

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mom.

— What's for supper?
— [Sighs]

Pot roast, potato pancakes
and what's the big idea?

I just wanted to know.

Uh, your mother wants to know,
what's the big idea of the caps?

Oh, the caps. Um—

What is the idea
of the caps, Wally?

Um, well, you see, Dad,
the Beaver and I
joined this new club.

And for initiation, you gotta wear
these stocking caps for a whole week.

Yeah, if you take 'em off,
you're uninitiated.

Well, if you have to wear them.

Uh, what kind of a club is it?

Uh, well, it's kind of
a secret club, Dad. You know.

A secret society

What's the club called?

Um, well, that's
kind of a secret too.

Oh, you mean the name
of the club is a secret?

That's right.

Yeah, they won't even tell us.

Do you have to wear those awful caps
night and day for a whole week?

That oughta do it.

/, uh, think we’d better eat

We sure fooled 'em,
didn't we, Wally?

Yeah, I guess we fooled 'em.
What's the matter?

Well, I'm not so sure we fooled 'em.

Gee, they didn't say anything.

Well, that's the way
they are sometimes.

You know, they go along
nice and easy and smiling,

but all the while
they're getting ready to jump on you.

Gee, sometimes Mom and Dad
are pretty tricky, aren't they?

No, they're not being tricky.

They're just trying to be fair.

And that's what
usually messes us up.

What do you suppose they're up to
with those skating caps?

I don't know,
but this secret society business
sounds pretty fishy to me.

Mm. Funny hats,
initiation, secret names.

Yeah, you have to be an adult
to be silly enough
to join something like that.

Ward, do you suppose those hats
have anything to do with the haircut
the Beaver was supposed to get?

That's just exactly
what I suppose.

He probably lost the money,
didn't get the haircut,

then they cooked up
this secret society business
to cover up.

What are we gonna do about it?
Do?

Well, I'm gonna go right upstairs
and make him take that cap off.

Ward, you can't do that.
After all, if there is a secret club,

that would be
a terrible thing to do.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Can't just violate their privacy.

I tell you what we could do.

We could, uh—
We could wait till they're asleep,

and then sneak up
and peek under
the Beaver's stocking cap.

Then if we're wrong,
there's no harm done.

Ward, wouldn't that be
downright sneaky?
Sure it would.

It's the only way
we can survive as parents.

Ward, let me see.
Uh, I think it's better
if you don't look.

Ward, I want to see.

All right.

Aah!

It's all right.
Come on, don't worry about it.

It'll be all right.
There you go.

You feel better now?

Did you see my little baby?

My poor little
baldheaded angel.

No wonder
I couIdn't find my scissors.

Well, well, it'll grow back.

Oh, yes, but not in time
for the school play.

Ward, we're gonna be disgraced.
We'll just have to send him
away somewhere.

Well, it's bad enough
about the play,

But I don't like him
trying to get away
with something like this.

Boy, when I was a kid,
my father would have
whaled the tar out of me.

Now, Ward!

Well, don't worry.
I'm not going to resort
to physical violence.

I'm tempted though.
What are we going to do?

Well, I guess there's nothing
we can do,

except lay our cards on the table
and give them a chance
to tell the truth.

Mm.

Well, come on.
It's time to turn in.

Oh!
June, what's the matter?

I just thought of his head again.

Come on.

Morning, boys.

Boys, I wanna talk to you.

Now, Beaver, yesterday I gave you
$ 7.75 to get a haircut

Is that right?
Yes, sir.

— Did you get a haircut?
—I sure did.

— At the barbershop?
— I went to the barbershop.

Did you get a haircut there?

I got a haircut, all right.

[Clears Throat]
Beaver, did you get a haircut
at the barbershop?

I went to the barbershop,
and then I got a haircut.

Beaver, take ofi' that cap!

I can't.
It's 'itiation for the secret club.

—Tell 'em, Wally.
— There is no secret club.

Please remove that cap.

[Gasps]

All right, Beaver,

is this the haircut
the barber gave you
at the barbershop yesterday?

No, sir.
Did you give yourself
this haircut?

Excuse me.

[Clears Throat]
I said...

did you give yourself
this haircut?

Not 'xactly.

Wally, what do you know
about this haircut?

Um,well I, I think
it'll grow back in a week.

[Clears Throat]
I'm very sorry, boys,

but this time I'm really
going to have to punish you.

Beaver, it would have been
very easy for me to forgive you
If you had just stood up and said,

"Dad, I lost my money,
and Wally gave me the haircut."

Dad, I lost the money,
and Wally gave me the haircut.

[Clears Throat]
I'm sorry, but it's too late
for that now.

You better both go up to your room
and wait there, while your mother and I
decide what to do about this.

[Sighs]
I just cannot understand it.

I have tried so hard
to win their confidence,

to prove to them
that I'm on their side.

Why should they lie to me?
Certainly it isn't my fault.

It certainly is.
No man has ever tried harder
to be a buddy to— to—

What did you say?
It certainly is
your fault and mine.

Why, don't you realize
what a spot we put him on?
Oh, that's ridiculous.

Put yourself in his place.

He loses his lunch money
three days in a row.

And then after being warned
that this is his last chance,
he loses his haircut money.

Naturally he's afraid
to tell us.

What's so natural about it?
Are we monsters?
Do we hit him? Do we beat him?

Ward, the only guide
the little fellow has is the love
and approval of his parents.

Now, if he thinks he's lost that,
it's worse than a beating.

Well, I don't know.

Look. He was afraid to
tell us the truth, wasn't he?
Yeah.

Who's frightening him
If it isn't you and me?

I guess that's one of the troubles
with being a parent.

You love your kids so much,
you scare the pants off of 'em.

You know something, Wally?
What?

I think we would have got away
with that secret club
if we had a name for it.

Cut it out.

What do you think
they're gonna do to us?

I don't know.
You should have told them
in the first place you lost your money.

Yeah, then we wouldn't be
in this mess.

Yeah, we.

[Sighs]
Why did I have to go and help you?

I'm glad you did.
It's a lot better being in a mess
with somebody else.

[Footsteps Approaching]

Uh—oh, here they come.
Yeah, here they come.

I, uh, brought you the comics.
Thanks, Dad.

Your father and I, well,
we've been talking over
this haircut business.

And, uh, we decided
not to punish you.

You're not gonna punish us?

[Ward]
That’s right
H ow com e?

Well, for a lot of reasons, Beaver,

but mainly because
we want you to feel...

that you can come to me
or to your mother...

at any time with any problem,
and we'll understand.

Now, come on. Let's get dressed.
We're gonna go out for breakfast.

That's great, Dad.

Yeah, that's great, Dad.

And, uh, afterwards,
we might even take in a movie.

Mm—mm!

You think it's a trick, Wally?

No. You just can't ever
figure 'em out, that's all.

You know something though, Wally?
What?

I Like 'em.

Me too.
Come on, let's get dressed.

[Choir]
# joyful all ye nations rise,#

# join the triumph of the skies,#

# With angelic host proclaim #

# 'Christ is born in Bethlehem #

# Hark! The herald angels sing #

# Glory to the newborn king #